[Fiction] Trouble in Dinosaur Park

There was a period about ten years ago when I was toying with the idea of writing a knock-off version of Jurassic Park just for funsies, but where the dinosaurs looked and behaved like actual animals rather than bloodthirsty monsters. I still like some of the ideas I had for it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever actually pick it up again.


They’d been sitting here for about fifteen minutes now, and Kevin was bored. There wasn’t much to do in the car, and he couldn’t get out and stretch his legs because of the rain. They were supposed to be back at the visitor center by now for dinner, but the tour cars had stopped when the power had gone out. Since they couldn’t move on their own, they were now stuck here for the time being.

Andrea, the tour guide, was in what would normally be the driver’s seat playing some sort of game on her phone, while Kevin’s little sister Lindsey leaned over her shoulder dispensing unsolicited advice. Gambini, the lawyer, was sitting in the front passenger seat staring out the window at the fence that ran along the edge of the road. Behind them sat the other car, with the paleontologists, Dr. Jones and Dr. Meyers. He wished he’d been allowed to ride back there with them. The tour guide was pretty, but he thought the cheerful act she put on was kind of annoying and she didn’t seem to actually know all that much about dinosaurs. Not only that, but Lindsey has getting on his nerves with her constant whining. He’d much rather be back there with the paleontologists, talking about dinosaurs. He wondered what they were talking about right now. Probably something interesting, he guessed.


“’Spared no expense’ my ass,” Rick Jones said into the mouth of his water bottle. After taking a swig, he continued grousing: “I’ll bet you anything the old man got these stupid things because he didn’t wanna shell out to have more gas shipped out here.”

“Well, at least they’re good for the environment,” said Preston Meyers.

“Preston, there’s no cameras here,” Jones said. “You can cut the bullshit.”

“What, I’m serious,” Meyers said.

Jones wanted to scream. He didn’t like Meyers. It wasn’t that the kid was a jerk or anything, he just rubbed him the wrong way. While they were both fairly well-known in the paleontological community, Meyers had managed to make a name for himself among the general public as well, hosting a variety of television documentaries on dinosaurs, regularly appearing on the children’s series Dinosaur Bus, and acting as a scientific consultant for the series The Lost World, which was a modernized, scientifically up-to-date take on the classic novel by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Jones had to admit that he’d done quite a lot in getting people interested in scientifically accurate dinosaurs, but something about the guy’s squeaky-clean, oh-so-perfect personality just got on his nerves. And now he was lecturing him on the environment? Ugh. What next, a warning to always practice safe sex and look both ways before crossing the street?

Heh. Speaking of which, he sure wouldn’t mind practicing a little safe sex with that tour guide up in the first car. Or some unsafe sex. Any kind of sex, really. He glanced sideways at Meyers and considered mentioning that, try to engage a little Guy Talk. Probably better not, he decided. He’d probably get all indignant, say something like “Dude, she’s a person.” God people like him were boring. If this car didn’t get moving again soon, Jones was going to strangle himself with his seatbelt.


Yep, Kevin thought. They must be discussing all sort of interesting dinosaur things. Maybe they were debating what this park meant for the future of paleontology. He knew it wouldn’t put them out of a job, but it would change the way everyone would look at dinosaurs forever. Even Kevin, who had grown up in the wake of the so-called Dinosaur Renaissance, had been blown away by just how strange the dinosaurs his grandfather had cloned were. He’d been expecting feathers on some species, but he’d never imagined how widespread they would be. Even the baby sauropods were fuzzy! Lindsey had complained, said fuzzy dinosaurs were lame, but Kevin thought it was amazing.

“There, get that! Get it! You’re gonna-…come on, get it!” Lindsey was practically jumping up and down, pointing at Andrea’s phone.

“I know what I’m doing!” Andrea said, moving her phone so Lindsey didn’t hit the touchscreen. “Quit backseat playing.”

“Well you suck at this,” Lindsey said.

“I’m on level thirty!”

“I bet I could do better.”

“Yeah, the last kid I let play on my phone tried to flush it down a toilet,” Andrea said. “Not gonna happen.”

“Awww,” Lindsey moaned. She was seven, and still getting used to the realization that the world didn’t exist to bend to her every whim.

Suddenly the lawyer spoke up. “Um, Miss Reed?” he said, pointing out the window. “What’s that?”

They all looked up where he was pointing. “Oh,” Andrea said. “The big guy finally decided to show up.”

Kevin had been disappointed to hear his grandfather’s park didn’t have a T. rex, but from where he sat the animal that had appeared on the other side of the fence looked just as impressive. It wasn’t quite as famous as Tyrannosaurus, but its large, pointed head and the thick, hump-like sail running down along the length of its back made it no less recognizable to him. “Acrocanthosaurus,” he said.

“That’s right” Andrea said with a smile, and Kevin tried not to blush. As the others watched, she reached over for the walkie-talkie on the dashboard. “Excuse me gentlemen,” she said to the other car, “but if you’ll look to your right, you should be able to see our Acrocanthosaurus.

“We’re not in any danger, are we?” Gambini asked. “I mean, with the power out…”

“Oh no, we should be fine,” Andrea said. “The dinosaurs all learn pretty fast not to touch the fences, and even if they do get out we’re way too small to interest something that big.”

“Whoa,” Lindsey said quietly.

The dinosaur looked almost like a wall with legs. In the intermittent flashes of lightning Kevin could see it was covered with a short coat of hair-like feathers, almost like a lion. In the dark it was hard to tell what color it was, but he thought he saw a reticulated pattern decorating its sides. Probably to break up its outline when hunting in forests, he thought. As he watched the animal emerged from the trees and looked past the fence at them. It came closer and, just as Andrea had said, stopped short of the fence.

“It’s a monster,” Gambini said. “If something like that got loose…”

Andrea shrugged. “I don’t imagine it’d be any harder to bring down than a big elephant,” she said.

“It’s getting awful close,” Gambini said. The dinosaur was sniffing at the fence now, its snout almost touching the thick wire.

“Huh,” Andrea said.

The Acrocanthosaurus touched the fence tentatively with its snout, pulling its head back as if expecting a shock. When none came, it grew bolder and bit down on the wire, softly at first. Testing it.

“Well that can’t be good,” Andrea said, before they all turned towards the sound of a car door opening.

“Screw this, I’m outta here!” Gambini said, as he jumped out of the car and ran. Andrea shouted something at him that she probably shouldn’t have said in front of children, but he ignored her.

“Where’s he going?!” Lindsey demanded to know. “He left us!”

“That dickless little…!” Andrea muttered under her breath as she crawled over the passenger seat to pull the door shut. Kevin wasn’t paying attention to any of that, though. His attention was fixed on the dinosaur. It was gnawing on the wire now, tugging at it with its thick, powerful neck. As he watched, the entire fence shook. Then the Acrocanthosaurus stepped back and butted the fence with its head, bending it out. It was trying to get free!

“Ah, shit,” Andrea said, and then, with a guilty glance at Lindsey and Kevin, “Er, crap. Okay, let’s all get in the middle of the car now, come on…” They were already in the back seat, so she was just joining them there, really. As she directed them to lie down on the floor between the front and back seats, she got on the radio to the other car again. “Um, Dr. Meyers, Dr. Jones, if you haven’t noticed by now the Acrocanthosaurus seems to be trying to escape. It’s never tried to attack anyone before, but just in case I suggest you both stay low and try not to draw any attention to yourselves.” Both kids’ heads popped up to watch the dinosaur, and she pushed them back down. And then, with the twanging sound of breaking wires and the screech of bending metal, the Acrocanthosaurus was free and stepping out onto the road between the two cars.

Kevin wanted desperately to look, but he couldn’t see anything from his spot on the floor of the car. Andrea was crouched on the seat above him, apparently preparing to shield him and his sister with her body should the dinosaur attack. He heard her make a hissing sound, and turned to see her pushing Lindsey’s head back down as she tried to crawl up to see. Then Lindsey’s eyes grew wide and she ducked back down, just before the whole car shook as something heavy bumped against it. Kevin risked a look out the window, and saw the slab-sided body of the Acrocanthosaurus right outside.

“Don’t move,” Andrea said, her voice starting to tremble. The car shook again, harder this time, and then they heard a shout outside, coming from the other car. Andrea’s eyes grew wide, and the dinosaur disappeared from the window. Andrea got up to look over the back of the seat towards the other car, and without thinking Kevin and Lindsey did too. Standing outside in the rain, shouting and waving a flare, was Preston Meyers. And heading right for him was the Acrocanthosaurus.


“Amazing,” Meyers had said as the Acrocanthosaurus stepped out onto the road.

“Yeah,” Jones said, his face pale. “It’s a real beauty.” He sounded sarcastic. They were both slouched down into their seats, peering over the dash at the animal. It stood there a moment, sniffing at the road and turning its giant head in the rain, before going to investigate the first tour car.

“We should do something,” Meyers said as the dinosaur circled the car and prodded it with its snout.

“Do what,” Jones asked. “She said it’s never attacked anyone before, remember?”

Meyers shook his head doubtfully. “Something that big could hurt someone pretty bad just by accident.”

Jones shook his head. “Don’t you think these cars would have been designed to survive this sort of thing?” But Meyers wasn’t paying attention. He’d gotten out of his seat to dig around in the back, and came up with two signal flares.

“Here,” he said, and handed one to Jones. He started to ask what he was supposed to do with it, but Meyers was already stepping out onto the road. Jones watched in disbelief as Meyers lit the flare, shouted, and waved it in the air. The Acrocanthosaurus turned, watched him curiously, and started to approach.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Jones shouted at him.

“Come on” Meyers said, “We gotta draw it away from the kids!” And then he was running. Jones watched him go, then turned to watch the dinosaur follow him. There was no way in hell he was going out there. After the dinosaur had passed, Jones reached over and shut the car door.


Kevin, Lindsey, and Andrea all watched in horror as the Acrocanthosaurus caught up with Meyers and knocked him to the ground. It seemed to sniff at him for a moment before tossing him up in the air, but as a flash of lightning illuminated what was spinning in midair they saw it was only his upper half. Kevin felt his stomach heave as Andrea tried to cover his eyes. By the time he got her hand off his face the Acrocanthosaurus had lost interest, and was moving off down the road.

Fiction: Screw You Guys, I’m an AI Author Now

Writing is hard, so I’ve decided to start using AI to create everything from now on, because it’s totally real art. Take for example this story, which I wrote by typing “The” into an AI and then hitting the Create button over and over again. I think you’ll find that it’s just as good as, if not better, than anything written by a human being.


The young man sat on the deck of his small sailing ship, a bone in his teeth. His eyes were closed and his brow furrowed in concentration. He was attempting to ignore the fact that the bone was from a human finger, and had been forcibly removed from its former owner less than an hour ago.

He heard the familiar snap as the sail luffed in the breeze and the ship slowed.

“Trim that forrard leach,” he ordered, without opening his eyes. He sucked harder on the bone and felt the blood squirt along its interior.

“It is trimmed out, Captain,” a young girl’s voice answered. The voice was calm, despite the circumstances. “We’re ghosting along and making good speed, but you might as well be trying to drink the sea for all the good it’s doing us. You might as well come up for air and deal with me.”

The man opened his eyes and stared at the young woman who had spoken. She was pretty, but not in the soft, fragile way of the women on shore. She was strong and tanned, with the hardened muscles of someone used to physical work.

Her black hair was cropped short, and her clothing was as close-fitting as a second skin, and colored green to help her hide in the trees and vegetation of the swamps and jungle she loved.

The young man spat out the bone and ran his tongue over his teeth. His gums were still bleeding a little and it made his mouth taste coppery and strange.

“How long has it been, Raveka?”

“Two years, three months, and seventeen days. Almost to the hour.”

“So long? And yet it seems like yesterday. I remember that last night, when we were alone. It was warm and the stars were out. I’d never noticed how many stars there were, and how they shone so bright. I remember, we had a bottle of wine, and I had only taken a single sip when you pushed me down in the grass and drank my breath from my mouth. I was afraid of what I was feeling, and you held me tight and told me not to be. Then the sun rose, and you were gone. I was afraid then too. But I had more reason. Do you know, Raveka, that the Mathematicians call love an equation with no solution? Why is that, I wonder?”

“Because mathematics is a science without a God, and so is love.”

“Then we are damned, you and I.”

Raveka smiled, revealing a set of teeth that were pointed and sharp, like those of a shark.

“Perhaps, Captain, but I find our damnation much more interesting than a salvation devoid of sin. Now, will you give me what I came for or must I take it?”

The young man shook his head and laughed.

“My dear, if you wanted it, I’d give it to you. I have no need to keep what is freely offered, but the ship and the men on it belong to another, and the prize we took tonight is already on its way to be sold.”

“Captain, I would expect no less of your honor. Your crew is well known as honest pirates. I am here for information. The man who was killed tonight, did he have any family or friends?”

The captain nodded and sighed. “He had a wife, but I do not know her name. I believe she lives on a farm somewhere near the swamps.”

“That is all I need to know.”

“I suppose it is.”

“One other thing, Captain. May I borrow one of your men?”

“Certainly. As you say, what is freely given cannot be taken.”

Raveka bowed deeply and left the cabin.

As soon as she was gone, the captain reached under the bench and pulled out the bloody bone. He licked it clean, and then began to suck on it again.

His eyes closed, his brow furrowed in concentration, and he imagined that the blood in the bone was the sap of the stars, and that the young woman was still holding him tight.

“It was her.”

“The Vulture, the leader of the Iron Guard, has returned, and this is all you can tell us? She was there, she did it, and that’s it?”

The old man was tired, and the trip to the castle had taken a great deal out of him.

“That’s it. That’s all I can tell you. There was no more time, and the rest of them, they just stood and watched. They didn’t fight, and they didn’t try to stop her. I don’t know why. I didn’t get the chance to ask them. You’d have had better luck finding someone who could have told you where she’d been.”

The old man fell silent and stared at the young king, as though expecting an answer. When none came, he leaned forward and asked a question of his own.

“You know, Your Majesty, the world is a funny place. We live in a palace, and have servants to do everything for us, but the food still tastes the same as the food you eat when you live in a hut and scratch a living out of the ground. I remember my father saying that kings live on crumbs and scraps, no better than the poorest man. He didn’t know any more than I do about the secrets of the high and mighty, but sometimes I wonder if he was right. The rich, they have secrets that the poor can’t even dream of. I know this for a fact, because once, a very long time ago, when I was younger than you are now, I lived in a palace. Not one this big, of course, and I had a title, not a job. And then, one day, I found out a secret that changed my life. And I think the same thing is happening to you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” said the king. “I really don’t.”

The old man got to his feet and started toward the door.

“Don’t worry, Sire. Things will look brighter in the morning. I’m an old man and I know these things. Good night, Sire.”

“Good night, Mr. Screed.”

“Good night, Sire.”

Mr. Screed left the king alone with his thoughts.

And his worries.

And his dreams.

And his fears.

The king’s room was large, and the bed was larger. In the center of the room, the king knelt, and around him, the walls were closing in.

He tried to get to his feet, but the bedposts swung and slammed against him, knocking him back onto his knees. He struggled to his feet again, only to find the wall sliding ever closer.

Then the wall stopped. It had reached the end of its journey.

And so had the king.

A small crack had formed at the base of the wall. He peered into the crack, and found himself staring down a tunnel. A cold wind blew into his face. He hesitated, and then stepped through the wall and into the tunnel.

The tunnel led down, ever down. At first he followed it because he had no choice, but then it became clear that he was not following the tunnel. The tunnel was following him.

It followed him past his parents’ graves. It followed him past the grave of the old queen.

It followed him to his own grave.

He stopped, and looked, and shuddered, and the tunnel grew smaller and tighter.

He was trapped. There was nowhere to go, no way to escape. He was going to die in the tunnel.

“Sire! Wake up, Sire! It’s just a bad dream!”

He was awake, and in his own bed, and Mr. Screed was kneeling beside him, holding him by the shoulders.

“Just a dream,” repeated the king. “No need to worry. You’re safe. Just a dream.”

The king nodded, and lay back in his bed.

“Thank you, Mr. Screed,” he said. “Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, Sire,” said the old man. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

And the old man turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.

The king lay in his bed and wondered if the old man had really saved him.

Or was he simply dreaming now?

“There it is, Sire.”

“You’re right. There it is. What should we do, Mr. Screed?”

“Well, we could go inside, Sire, and find out who’s there, or we could wait until someone comes out and ask them. Either way, we’ll know.”

“Yes, I suppose we will. All right, let’s go inside.”

“Very good, Sire.”

The two men were in the woods just beyond the edge of the kingdom.

They had come to see who lived in a small cottage in a clearing among the trees.

It was late in the evening, and the light was fading fast.

“All right, Mr. Screed. Let’s go.”

“After you, Sire.”

The king approached the front door, which was cracked open. He was about to push the door open when he heard a soft sound behind him. He turned and saw Mr. Screed, his back against the side of the house, his face pale and his eyes wide open.

“What’s wrong, Mr. Screed?”

“Oh, nothing, Sire. It’s just that, well, it’s been a long time since I’ve been inside a house. That’s all.”

“Well, don’t worry. We won’t stay long.”

“Thank you, Sire. You’re a good man.”

“Not really, Mr. Screed, but I try to be.”

The king pushed the door open and entered the cottage.

It was dark and the smell of woodsmoke was heavy in the air.

“Hello?” he called out. “Anyone here?”

“Come in, Sire,” a voice replied. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

“We?” the king asked, peering into the darkness.

“Yes, Sire,” the voice answered. “We.”

The king’s eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.

And he saw them.

All of them.

Standing there.

In the shadows.

Waiting.

For him.

“Welcome home, Your Majesty,” they said.

And then, he was gone.

The old man stood there, staring at the empty place where the king had been.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” he said. “It’s just the way it had to be.”

The old man left the cottage and went back into the woods.

He walked for hours, trying to understand what had happened.

But he couldn’t.

“No matter,” he said aloud. “It will all become clear in time. It will all become clear.”

And he kept walking.

The kingdom was in mourning.

The king was dead, and the country was without a ruler.

People were worried.

They were worried that they would have to pay taxes.

They were worried that they would have to buy new shoes and clothes.

They were worried that they would have to feed and clothe themselves.

They were worried that they would have to work and pay their bills.

They were worried that they would have to learn how to take care of themselves.

And they were worried that they would have to grow up.

But most of all, they were worried about the future.

And so was the old man.

He was worried that the country would fall into ruin and chaos.

He was worried that people would starve and die.

He was worried that the people would lose their faith in the gods.

And he was worried that the gods would lose their faith in the people.

“We can’t let this happen,” the old man said. “We have to do something.”

And so he did.

He went to the palace, and he found the crown.

And he put it on his head.

“I am the king now,” he said.

And he was.

“There’s a new king,” people said.

“What’s his name?”

“The Old King,” they said.

“But what’s his real name?”

“His name is the Old King,” they said.

The old king wore the crown and the cape and the robes and the jewels.

And he ruled the country.

“What’s he like?” people asked.

“He’s the best king we’ve ever had,” they said.

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s the only one who ever did anything,” they said.

And he did.

He built roads.

He built bridges.

He built canals.

He built dams.

He built houses.

He built schools.

He built hospitals.

He built temples.

He built churches.

He built farms.

He built factories.

He built mills.

He built foundries.

He built canneries.

He built bakeries.

He built shipyards.

He built railways.

He built mines.

He built warehouses.

He built markets.

He built aqueducts.

He built waterwheels.

He built windmills.

He built power stations.

He built dams.

He built dams.

He built dams.

The old man ruled the country.

The old king was the best king they had ever had.

He was the only one who had ever done anything.

“What’s he like?” people asked.

“He’s a good king,” they said.

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s the only one who ever did anything.”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s the best king we’ve ever had.”

The old man wore the crown and the cape and the robes and the jewels.

And he ruled the country.

He built the country.

“What’s the matter, Mr. Screed?”

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I have a terrible headache. Would you mind if I took a walk?”

“Of course not. Take as long as you like.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

Mr. Screed bowed and left the room.

The old man was alone in the room.

He sat in his chair and stared at the wall.

He was alone.

“It’s a beautiful day,” the old man said. “The sun is shining. The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming. And I’m here.”

The old man closed his eyes.

He could hear the birds.

He could hear the wind.

He could feel the sunlight.

He could smell the flowers.

He could taste the air.

“It’s a beautiful day,” the old man said.

And he was there.

He was alive.

“There’s a new king,” people said.

“His name is the Old King.”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s the best king we’ve ever had.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s the only one who’s ever done anything.”

The old man ruled the country.

He built the country.

“What’s the matter, Mr. Screed?”

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I think my back is bothering me.”

“Take a seat, Mr. Screed. You look tired.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

Mr. Screed sat in the chair.

The old man stood and walked to the window.

“It’s a beautiful day,” the old man said.

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“I love the country, Mr. Screed.”

“Me too, Your Majesty.”

“Do you know why I love it so much, Mr. Screed?”

“No, Your Majesty.”

“It’s because I built it.”

“You did, Your Majesty.”

“And you helped, Mr. Screed.”

“I did, Your Majesty.”

“We all did, Mr. Screed. We all helped build it.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“But I did more than anyone else, didn’t I, Mr. Screed?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“And you helped me, didn’t you, Mr. Screed?”

“I did, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you, Mr. Screed.”

“You’re welcome, Your Majesty.”

The old man turned away from the window.

“Would you like some tea, Mr. Screed?”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“And something to eat, Mr. Screed?”

“That would be nice, Your Majesty.”

The old man picked up the phone.

“Yes, this is the king. I’d like to order a cup of tea and some biscuits for my secretary.

“And please make sure they’re nice and fresh.

“Thank you.”

The old man put down the phone.

“There, Mr. Screed. All taken care of.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“You know, Mr. Screed. It’s a funny thing. People ask me what’s it like to be a king. And I tell them that it’s a wonderful life. But sometimes I wonder.”

“What do you wonder, Your Majesty?”

“Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I hadn’t done anything at all.”

“Why would you say that, Your Majesty?”

“Because then, at least, no one would have noticed.”

“No one would have noticed what, Your Majesty?”

“My mistakes.”

“What mistakes, Your Majesty?”

“Oh, you know, Mr. Screed. Little things. Big things. Sometimes even important things. Things that, once they’re done, can never be undone. But most of all, the mistakes that no one will ever notice. That’s the worst kind. Because no one will know what you did, or how you did it. They’ll never know. And you’ll never be able to tell them. You’ll have to live with it forever. Do you know what I’m talking about, Mr. Screed?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. I do.”

“Good. I thought you might. You’ve always been a smart one. Always understood what I was saying. Even when no one else did.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“Here, take this. You need it more than I do.”

The old man held out a small package.

“What is it, Your Majesty?”

“Something special. Just for you. Open it.”

Mr. Screed opened the package.

Inside was a key.

“It’s a special key, Mr. Screed. You see, Mr. Screed, in the past few months, I’ve become quite concerned about security. So I’ve been making some changes. Some small changes. Some big changes. And I think you’ll find that this is one of the small changes. Now, if you’ll just follow me, I’ll show you.”

The old man walked toward the door.

“Come on, Mr. Screed. It’s time.”

The old man walked through the door.

Mr. Screed followed him.

The two men walked through the hallway, and then down the stairs, and then through the kitchen, and then into the cellar.

“Now, Mr. Screed, what do you think of my new security system?”

Mr. Screed looked around.

The cellar was filled with boxes and barrels and bottles and crates and jars and sacks and bags.

“It’s very impressive, Your Majesty.”

“Good. Now, what do you think of the other change?”

“What other change, Your Majesty?”

“Why, the one we’re standing in, of course. This new cellar.”

“This isn’t a new cellar, Your Majesty.”

“Really? Then what is it?”

“It’s an old cellar, Your Majesty.”

“I don’t understand, Mr. Screed.”

“It’s a cellar that’s been here for years, Your Majesty. It’s been here for so long, no one even remembers where it is.”

“Are you sure, Mr. Screed?”

“Absolutely, Your Majesty.”

“Then where’s the new cellar, Mr. Screed?”

“There isn’t one, Your Majesty. There never was.”

“That’s impossible.”

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. It’s true. This cellar is the only one that’s ever been here.”

“Then why did you tell me it was new?”

“Because I knew that would make you happy, Your Majesty. Because I knew that it would be a small thing that would make a big difference. Because I wanted to do something nice for you, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you, Mr. Screed.”

“You’re welcome, Your Majesty.”

“Now, I think it’s time we got back upstairs.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

The two men left the cellar.

“That was a nice thing you did for me, Mr. Screed.”

“It was nothing, Your Majesty.”

“Don’t be so modest, Mr. Screed. It doesn’t become you.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

The old man stopped.

“What is it, Your Majesty?”

“Nothing, Mr. Screed. I just remembered something. A mistake I made. An important mistake.”

“What was it, Your Majesty?”

“I gave the wrong orders.”

“Orders to whom, Your Majesty?”

“To the guards, Mr. Screed.”

“What guards, Your Majesty?”

“The guards at the gate.”

“What about the guards at the gate, Your Majesty?”

“The ones I ordered to keep you in the cellar.”

“But they did, Your Majesty. I’m still here.”

“Yes, Mr. Screed, but now they’re in the cellar. With you.”

The old man reached for the key.

“But that’s impossible, Your Majesty.”

“That’s the way I wanted it, Mr. Screed. That’s why I gave the wrong orders.”

The old man smiled.

“You know, Mr. Screed, this key opens the door to the new cellar. The one that’s been here all along.”

“But what if I don’t want to go in the new cellar, Your Majesty?”

“Then you won’t have to, Mr. Screed.”

“But if I go into the new cellar, Your Majesty, what will happen to me?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Screed. It depends on what’s inside.”

“Your Majesty, are you trying to tell me something?”

“Yes, Mr. Screed. I’m trying to tell you that the world is a funny place. Sometimes, the people who try to do the right thing make the biggest mistakes. And sometimes, the people who try to do the wrong thing end up doing the right thing. But mostly, Mr. Screed, the world is just a bunch of stupid people. Trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

“Now, are you ready, Mr. Screed? Ready to open the new door?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Then let’s go.”

The two men went to the door.

“It’s been nice knowing you, Mr. Screed.”

“Likewise, Your Majesty.”

The old man unlocked the door and the two men went through it.

The cellar was dark and cold.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a cellar, Your Majesty.”

“Not as long as you’d think, Mr. Screed.”

“No, I suppose not.”

“So, what do you think, Mr. Screed? Do you like the cellar?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. I like it very much.”

“Good. I’m glad. Because it’s your new home. And mine.”

“I thought as much, Your Majesty.”

“So, would you like a drink, Mr. Screed?”

“Very much, Your Majesty.”

“Of course, Mr. Screed.”

“And one for yourself, Your Majesty.”

“No, thank you, Mr. Screed. But you go right ahead. Have a glass of wine.”

“I’d love to, Your Majesty. Thank you.”

“Not at all, Mr. Screed. In fact, you’re very welcome.”

The old man smiled.

“Now, Mr. Screed. Shall we get to work?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. Let’s get to work.”

The two men laughed and drank their wine and went to work.

“So, what do you think, Mr. Screed?”

“Very good, Your Majesty.”

“How’s the meat, Mr. Screed?”

“Very juicy, Your Majesty.


HA HA APRIL FOOLS YOU IDIOTS