- This time of year I love watching the states change color.
- The human body was not made to expend this much energy thinking about Pennsylvania.
- One thing I know for sure: no one on the right side of history has ever had to nitpick what the definition of “cage” is.
- Thank god it's Kamala! I was worried Biden was going to pick someone else who would have made me absolutely still vote for him no matter what.
- For those who insist Trump is a religious man, I'll grant you he pays taxes like a church.
- Trump says he might not accept the 2020 election results. If he needs a recommendation, I have a great therapist who helped me accept the results of the 2016 election.
- No garbage collection today—because it’s MLK Day and because, this week, America’s taking out the trash on Wednesday.
- After these FBI arrests, just think of all the basements that moms will be able to redecorate.
- It’ll be a shame if history allows one horrific event on this president’s watch to overshadow all the other horrific events on this president’s watch.
- Just tried on an old pair of pants, and I refuse to accept the results. Widespread fraud.
- The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
- There's so much I admire about the French: their sophistication, their cinema, their willingness to prosecute former presidents.
- Welcome home, @RealDonaldTrump! While you were gone we started actually punishing people for sexual harassment so, you know, heads up.