PSA: Please don’t write in “Hawk Tuah” on your ballot. I know it seems like a funny joke, but her legal name is Haliey Welch and putting down anything else could seriously jeopardize her chance at the presidency
- Straight girl: Omg ur so pretty! Love the shoes 🥰 Gay guy: Not you slaying us in the Triangle Cuntwaist Factory fire mama! Lesbian: Omg ur so pretty 🥺 D-do you… listen to Mitski? 🥺 Straight guy: Wide jaw. Long philtrum. Overdeveloped gums, asymmetrical lower third. 3.4/10
- Oh, you love Mom? She’s kind of entry level imo. I’ve been getting into the more esoteric family members like Cousin Once-Removed and Grandnephew
- Bo burnham is chained up in my yard licking oat milk from a rusty spigot
- Millennial husband: Sweet summer child, I was today years old when I realized you were my favorite hooman 😍 Zoomer wife: When youre in a real yearner competition and your opponent is me>>> 🥰 Gen Alpha ring bearer: Erm what the sigma 🤢
- Me before eating lunch: Im worthless and my dumb life is crap 😞 Me after a medium sized sandwich: I’m going to email Kate Bush and invite her to perform at my birthday party
- Twitter for ducks pond_guy: If u eat stale bread for every meal youre lazy af lol RuffledFeathers: Okay, wow. Really cool how you think I should fucking die just because I’m too depressed to hunt for water bugs 🙄 DAISY 💛 : ░M░Y░ ░C░L░O░A░C░A░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
- “Me no care about wheel. Me think fire big nothingburger” -The Contrarian Caveman
- Indie song for girls: Why the fuck did you think it was okay/To gaslight me on National Bisexuality Day/ My therapist’s astrologer said I should never date another guy/ Who identifies as a Gemini Indie song for guys: oooh Smokeing weed In the computer
- Replying to @burialfetishmore vampire exclusionary rhetoric on the TL today 🤦♀️
- My barrel with suspenders on itThis Post is from an account that no longer exists. Learn more
- If i was a midwife i would say “Excuse me is this guy bothering you??” as i pull the baby out. And it would continue to be funny every time
- My pronouns are There/There. And if that makes you uncomfortable? Don’t worry… you’re gonna be okay 😎
