Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) / X

Robert Schultz

4,828 posts

Robert Schultz

@_RobertSchultz

🌴 comedian | writer | etc. 🌴

Los Angeles, CA

instagram.com/_robertschultz

Joined January 2010

Pinned
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Jul 9, 2020
My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!” Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Apr 27, 2022
A guy my age was telling me how happy he was that his wife just gave birth to their fourth child then was like “sorry, don’t mean to brag” and it’s like, oh no worries, your life literally sounds terrible to me
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Feb 14, 2022
I asked my dad what he’s doing for Valentine’s Day and he said “your mom and I have been married 40 years so we don’t care about stuff like that” then I asked my mom what she’s doing for Valentine’s Day and she said “idk but I hope your dad has something fun planned!”
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Jun 4, 2022
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Apr 16, 2022
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like "wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years" and it's like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn't know
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Jul 6, 2021
job description: must be willing to work in a fast-paced unpredictable high-energy environment the environment:
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Aug 9, 2021
a friend of mine was like “being 27 is weird because it means you’re not a kid but you’re also not quite an adult” and it’s like, actually dude, being 27 means you’re FOR SURE an adult
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Mar 20, 2022
my girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall which is kinda like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Jul 26, 2021
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” yeah, that was when i felt joy for the only time in my adult life
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Dec 28, 2020
my girlfriend just asked me why I still pay rent for my apartment when I spend every night at her place so now I have to come up with an answer that somehow doesn’t include the phrase “breakup insurance”
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Jun 25, 2021
I’m 5’10 and my girlfriend’s little sister just introduced me to her “6’3 boyfriend” and, wouldn’t ya know it, we’re the same height
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Mar 24, 2022
my girlfriend was like “i’m proud of myself because i didn’t spend any money today” and i don’t know how to point out that’s only because i bought all her food
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Oct 6, 2020
no one: claudia conway: so this what the inside of Area 51 looks like
Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
Nov 22, 2022
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”