I’ve never planned a better party than the one I planned when I was 8
- Sometimes my daughter says “let’s marvelize the cat!” and then we lie down with the cat and pet him and tell him he is marvelous, the end
- I think “Here’s 20 bucks to spend at a thrift store, no cheating” would be a very fun Met Gala theme and I simply do not know why I am not in charge of these things
- My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
- If you add a comma, “Call me, Ishmael” turns Moby-Dick into the world’s longest voicemail
- Sure the jacket’s a distraction but it’s like if they were panning across a Nazi death camp, and then cut to an actual Nazi *giggling* - obviously the camp is the bigger problem but the giggle makes it clear just how fucking sick these people are.
- Replying to @emilygmonsterThat’s only half the time allotted for lying around talking about how things are so mean, which tbh is still my favorite activity
- My daughter just told me I’m a thousand buttholes made into the shape of a woman. My work here is done.
- I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast But that's just the kind of plum-eating bitch I am And you knew that when you married me (shrug emoji)
- Very funny to me when memoirs have “about the author” pages
- Replying to @EmilyFlakeMy daughter, a current 8-year-old, has thoughts
- Replying to @taylorgarronI honestly don’t think I devoted enough time to that discussion.
