Developing

and
Maintaining
Friendships
Friendship
Friendship means different things to
different people depending on age,
gender, and cultural background.
William Rawlins suggests that we develop our friendships through a series of
six steps. While we may not follow these six steps in exact order in all of our
relationships, these steps help us understand how we develop friendships.

 The first step in building friendships occurs through Role-Limited

Interaction.
- In this step, we interact with others based on our social roles.

For example, when you meet a new person in class, your interaction centers
around your role as “student.”

 The second step in developing friendships is called Friendly Relations.

- This stage is characterized by communication that moves beyond
initial roles as the participants begin to interact with one another to see if
there are common interests, as well as an interest to continue getting to know
one another.

For example, as the students spend more time together and have casual
conversations, they may realize a wealth of shared interests. They realize that
both were traveling from far distances to go to school and understood each
other’s struggle with missing their families. Each of them also loves athletics,
 The third step in developing friendships is called Moving toward
Friendship.
- In this stage, participants make moves to foster a more
personalized friendship.

They may begin meeting outside of the setting in which the

relationship started, and begin increasing the levels of self-disclosure.
Self-disclosure enables the new friends to form bonds of trust.

 The fourth step in developing friendships is called Nascent

Friendship.
- In this stage individuals commit to spending more time
together.
- They also may start using the term “friend” to refer to each
other as opposed to “a person in my history class” or “this guy I work
with.” The interactions extend beyond the initial roles as participants
work out their own private communication rules and norms.

For example, they may start calling or texting on a regular basis or

reserving certain times and activities for each other such as going on
evening run together.
 The fifth step in developing friendships is Stabilized Friendship.
- In this stage, friends take each other for granted as friends,
but not in a negative way.
- The communication in this stage is also characterized by a
sense of trust as levels of self-disclosure increase and each person
feels more comfortable revealing parts of him or herself to the other.

 The final step in friendship development is Waning Friendship.

- As you know, friendships do not always have a happy
ending. Many friendships come to an end. Friendships may not simply
come to an abrupt end.
- Many times there are stages that show a decline of a
friendship, but in Rawlins’s model, the ending of a friendship is
summed up by this step. Perhaps the relationship is too difficult to
sustain over large geographic distances.
 Challenges for
Friendships
Three of the more common challenges to
friendships:
 Gender
 Cultural diversity
 Sexual attraction
 Gender - Research suggests that both women and men
value trust and intimacy in their friendships and value their
time spent with friends.

- Quite common among female friends, is to get together

simply to talk and catch up with one another. When calling her
close friend, Antoinette might say, “Why don’t you come over to
my place so we can talk?” The need to connect through verbal
communication is explicitly stated and forms the basis for the
relationship.

- In contrast, among male friends a more common

approach to interaction is an invitation to engage in an activity as
a means of facilitating conversation. For example, John might say
to his friend, “Hey, Mike, let’s get out surfing this weekend.” The
explicit request is to engage in an activity (surfing), but John and
Mike understand that as they engage in the activity, they will
 Cultural diversity

- Cultural values shape how we

understand our friendships
- In most Western societies that
emphasize individualism (as opposed to
collectivism), friendships are seen as voluntary
in that we get to choose who we want in our
friendship circle. If we do not like someone we
do not have to be friends with him/her.
Sexual Attraction:
- The classic film, When Harry Met Sally, highlights how
sexual attraction can complicate friendships. In the movie, Harry
quotes the line, “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex
always gets in the way.”
- Levels of sexual attraction or sexual tension may
challenge friendships between heterosexual men and women, gay
men, and lesbian women. This may arise from an internal desire of
one of the friends to explore a sexual relationship, or if someone in
the relationship indicates that he/she wants to be “more than
friends.” These situations might place strain on the friendship and
require the individuals to address the situation if they want the
friendship to continue.
 Friendships Now
Take a moment to reflect on how many friends you
have in your everyday life. Is that number
equivalent or more than the number you have on
social media accounts like Facebook?

Chances are, those numbers are very different. To those of us who have
access to social media, it is changing the ways we develop and maintain
friendships. When you make a friend in physical life, the other person
has to be in close enough proximity to communicate with on a regular
basis to have a face-to-face interaction.
 Attraction, Love, and
Intimacy
What is Attraction?

People commonly think of "attraction" in a sexual context. However, humans experience attraction
in different ways—six of them, to be exact, plus combinations thereof.

Physical attraction
- involves a desire to touch or be touched. It often centers on the desire to be around
other people and to show love and affection through physical touch. Physical attraction is not the
same as sexual attraction, although they share some similarities.

Emotional attraction
- involves having an affinity for another person based on their personality or other
inner characteristics. When you are emotionally attracted to someone, you often feel a desire to
learn more about them because of who they are as a person and not because of their physical
appearance.
Romantic attraction
- is a type of attraction in which people desire a
romantic relationship with another person. It is not the same
thing as sexual attraction, although the two can often occur at
the same time. Romantic attraction can also occur without the
desire for physical or sexual contact.

For example, a person who is aromantic experiences little to no

romantic attraction to others. The term alloromantic is used to describe
people who do experience romantic attraction. Demiromantic is a term
that describes a person who only experiences romantic attraction under
certain circumstances.
Sexual attraction
- is an attraction based on the desire to engage in
sexual activity with another person. It can inspire feelings of
arousal and lust, and it isn't necessarily limited to real life. It can
also involve fantasies or a sexual attraction to people who you
find appealing and arousing but who you will never have intimate
contact with (like a crush on your favorite celebrity).

For example, people who are asexual don't feel a desire to have
a sexual relationship with other people, but they may still
experience romantic attraction and enjoy being involved in
romantic relationships.
Aesthetic attraction
- involves believing that something is beautiful and visually appealing
but not feeling the need to pursue any type of physical, romantic, platonic, or
sexual relationship.

Aesthetic attraction also applies to other visual objects, from the products you
choose to buy to the type of decor you select.

Intellectual attraction
- refers to finding someone's thoughts or intellect appealing. This type
of attraction might cause you to want to learn more about a person, get their
opinions, or learn new things from them.

Although intellectual attraction is non-physical and non-sexual, some people find

that it has to occur before any other form of attraction can. The mind is the initial
draw, often followed by other types of attraction.
 LOVE
Love
- is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy,
passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction,
affection, and trust.

Types of Love
Sternberg’s Triangle of Love: Three Components

Sternberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love: passion,
intimacy, and commitment. Love relationships vary depending on the presence or
absence of each of these components.

• Passion refers to the intense, physical attraction partners feel toward one another.
• Intimacy involves the ability the share feelings, personal thoughts and psychological closeness
with the other.
• Commitment is the conscious decision to stay together.
Liking: In this relationship, intimacy or knowledge of the other and a
sense of closeness is present. Passion and commitment, however, are
not. Partners feel free to be themselves and disclose personal
information. They may feel that the other person knows them well and
can be honest with them and let them know if they think the person is
wrong.

Infatuation: Perhaps, this is Sternberg’s version of “love at first sight”.

Infatuation consists of an immediate, intense physical attraction to
someone. A person who is infatuated finds it hard to think of anything
but the other person. Brief encounters are played over and over in one’s
head; it may be difficult to eat and there may be a rather constant state
of arousal.
Fatuous Love:
- Passion and commitment are aspects of fatuous love. There is no intimacy and
the commitment is premature.
- Partners rarely talk seriously or share their ideas. They focus on their intense
physical attraction and yet one, or both, is also talking of making a lasting commitment.
Sometimes this is out of a sense of insecurity and a desire to make sure the partner is
locked into the relationship.

Empty Love:
- This type of love may be found later in a relationship or in a relationship that
was formed to meet needs other than intimacy or passion (money, childrearing, status).
- Here the partners are committed to staying in the relationship (for the children,
because of a religious conviction, or because there are no alternatives perhaps), but do not
share ideas or feelings with each other and have no physical attraction for one another.
Romantic Love:
- Intimacy and passion are components of romantic love, but there is no
commitment.
- The partners spend much time with one another and enjoy their closeness
but have not made plans to continue ‘no matter what’. This may be true because they
are not in a position to make such commitments or because they are looking for
passion and closeness and are afraid it will die out if they commit to one another and
start to focus on other kinds of obligations.

Companionate Love:
- Intimacy and commitment are the hallmarks of companionate love. Partners
love and respect one another and they are committed to staying together. But their
physical attraction may have never been strong or may have just died out.

Consummate Love:
-Intimacy, passion, and commitment are present in consummate love. This is
often the ideal type of love. The couple shares passion; the spark has not died, and the
closeness is there. They feel like best friends as well as lovers and they are committed
to staying together.
 Types of Lovers
Pragma is a style of love that emphasizes the practical aspects of love. The
pragmatic lover considers compatibility and the sensibility of their choice of
partners. This lover will be concerned with goals in life, status, family reputation,
attitudes about parenting, career issues and other practical concerns.

Mania is a style of love characterized by volatility, insecurity, and possessiveness.

This lover gets highly upset during arguments or breakups, may have trouble
sleeping when in love, and feels emotions very intensely.

Agape is an altruistic, selfless love. These partners give of themselves without

expecting anything in return. Such a lover places the partner’s happiness above
their own and is self-sacrificing to benefit the partner.
 Types of Lovers
Eros is an erotic style of loving in which the person feels consumed. Physical
chemistry and emotional involvement are important to this type of lover.

Ludus refers to a style of loving that emphasizes the game of seduction and fun.
Such a lover stays away from commitment and often has several love interests at
the same time. This lover does not self-disclose and in fact may prefer to keep the
other guessing. This lover can end a relationship easily.

Storge is a style of love that develops slowly over time. It often begins as a
friendship and becomes sexual much later. These partners are likely to remain
friends even after the breakup.
 Frames of
Relationships
Another useful way to consider relationships is to consider the amount of dependency in the
relationship. Davidson (1991) suggests three models.

The A-frame relationship is one in which the partners lean on one another and are highly
dependent on the other for survival. If one partner changes, the other is at risk of ‘falling over’. This
type of relationship cannot easily accommodate change and the partners are vulnerable should
change occur. A breakup could be devastating.

The H-frame relationship is one in which the partners live parallel lives. They rarely spend time
with one another and tend to have separate lives. What time they do share is usually spent
meeting obligations rather than sharing intimacies. This independent type of relationship can end
without suffering emotionally.

The M-frame relationship is interdependent. Partners have a strong sense of connection but also
are able to stand alone without suffering devastation. If this relationship ends, partners will be hurt
and saddened, but will still be able to stand alone. This ability comes from a strong sense of self-
love. Partners can love each other without losing a sense of self. And each individual has self-
respect and confidence that enriches the relationship as well as strengthens the self.