Praise for Living Well with Adult ADHD

“This book is a total game-changer for anyone navigating life with

ADHD. Since diving in, I am already starting to build better habits and
feel more in control of my life. The strategies are broken into simple,
practical steps. Don’t miss out!”
—Liz B., San Francisco

“This book came into my life at just the right time. The strategies aren’t
rigid; they’re adaptable to real life, which makes them incredibly help-
ful. Most of all, the book is compassionate and encouraging—it helps
you work with your brain, not against it. It makes ADHD feel less
overwhelming and more manageable. I know I’ll keep coming back to
this book.”
—Milo W., Richmond, Virginia

“Bravo! Drs. Knouse and Barkley have written a superb, original book.
The authors have adroitly included their wealth of knowledge and expe-
rience. I love all the brief chapters in the ‘Menu of Moves for Living
Well’ section. From ‘Show Up on Time’ to ‘Drive Safely,’ I’ve never
seen all the major ADHD hot spots addressed so clearly, succinctly, and
authoritatively.”
—Edward Hallowell, MD,
coauthor of Driven to Distraction

“Unlike the many ADHD books that focus on neurobiology, this book
gives you excellent, immediate help for dealing with common challenges.
In an engaging, humorous style, Drs. Knouse and Barkley offer skillful
suggestions for addressing specific issues, as well as practical strategies to
improve life overall.”
—Peg Dawson, EdD,
coauthor of Smart but Scattered

“Drs. Knouse and Barkley provide doable, bite-sized ideas that help peo-
ple with ADHD figure out what they want to do and how to do it. They
incorporate the latest understanding of ADHD, including the emotional
impact, lifestyle factors, and how to boost self-motivation. This book is
packed with everyday tactics for today’s adult with ADHD.”
—Margaret H. Sibley, PhD,
Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences,
University of Washington School of Medicine

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 THE GUILFORD LIVING WELL SERIES

The Guilford Living Well Series is designed to help individuals with

common psychological conditions solve everyday problems and opti-
mize their quality of life. Readers get specific, empathic advice for
stress-­proofing daily routines; navigating work, family, and relationship
issues; managing symptoms effectively; and finding answers to treat-
ment questions. Written by leading experts on each disorder, books in
the series are concise, practical, and empowering.

Living Well with Bipolar Disorder

David J. Miklowitz

Living Well with OCD

Jonathan S. Abramowitz

Living Well with Psychosis

Aaron P. Brinen

Living Well with Adult ADHD

Laura E. Knouse and Russell A. Barkley

Living Well with Social Anxiety

Deborah Dobson

FORTHCOMING

Living Well with Depression

Christopher R. Martell

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 living well with adult ADHD

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 Also from Russell A. Barkley
FOR GENERAL READERS
12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD
Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide
for Parents, Fourth Edition
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work,
at Home, and in Relationships, Second Edition
Russell A. Barkley with Christine M. Benton
Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior, Second Edition
Russell A. Barkley and Christine M. Benton
Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict
and Rebuild Your Relationship, Second Edition
Russell A. Barkley and Arthur L. Robin with Christine M. Benton

FOR PROFESSIONALS
ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says
Russell A. Barkley, Kevin R. Murphy, and Mariellen Fischer
Attention-­Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder:
A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment, Fourth Edition
Edited by Russell A. Barkley
Barkley Adult ADHD Rating Scale–IV (BAARS-IV)
Barkley Deficits in Executive Functioning Scale (BDEFS for Adults)
Barkley Deficits in Executive Functioning Scale—
Children and Adolescents (BDEFS-CA)
Barkley Functional Impairment Scale (BFIS for Adults)
Barkley Functional Impairment Scale—Children and Adolescents
(BFIS-CA)
Barkley Sluggish Cognitive Tempo Scale—Children and Adolescents
(BSCTS-CA)
Defiant Children: A Clinician’s Manual for Assessment
and Parent Training, Third Edition
Defiant Teens: A Clinician’s Manual for Assessment
and Family Intervention, Second Edition
Executive Functions:
What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved
Treating ADHD in Children and Adolescents:
What Every Clinician Needs to Know

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 living well with

adult ADHD
PRACTICAL STRATEGIES
FOR IMPROVING YOUR DAILY LIFE

LAURA E. KNOUSE, PhD

RUSSELL A. BARKLEY, PhD

THE GUILFORD PRESS

NEW YORK   LONDON

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 For B.
—L. E. K.

Copyright © 2026 The Guilford Press

A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc.
[Link]

All rights reserved

The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with
healthcare professionals. Each individual’s health concerns should be evaluated by a
qualified professional.

Purchasers of this book have permission to copy select materials, where indicated
by footnotes, for personal use or use with clients. These materials may be copied
from the book or accessed directly from the publisher’s website, but may not be
stored on or distributed from intranet sites, internet sites, or file-­sharing sites,
or made available for resale. No other part of this book may be reproduced,
translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise,
without written permission from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

For product and safety concerns within the EU, please contact
GPSR@[Link], Taylor & Francis Verlag GmbH, Kaufingerstraße 24,
80331 München, Germany.

Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the publisher.

ISBN 978-1-4625-5512-3 (paperback) — ISBN 978-1-4625-5839-1 (hardcover)

Guilford Press is a registered trademark of Guilford Publications, Inc.

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 contents

Preface vii

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction 1

Choose how to use this book 7

PART ONE
Your ADHD Toolbox 11
1 Tools for organizing time and tasks 15

2 Tools for starting, stopping, and finishing 21

3 Tools for emotions and relationships 44

PART TWO
Menu of Moves for Living Well 55
4 Show up on time 57

5 Remember and remember to do things 64

6 Keep track of your stuff 71

7 Plan and prioritize 80

8 Complete tasks accurately 85

9 Get started and restarted 89

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 vi Contents

10 Stick with it and wrap up 96

11 Switch gears when you need to 103

12 Keep your commitments to others 110

13 Absorb information 116

14 Manage restlessness 124

15 Manage the urge to act out when you’re upset 130

16 Make thoughtful decisions 140

17 Reduce the impact of ADHD on your relationships 149

18 Organize stuff and space 158

19 Find your fit at work or school 167

20 Eat well 179

21 Sleep well 183

22 Watch your substance use 185

23 Move your body 187

24 Manage money 189

25 Drive safely 193

PART THREE
Principles for Living Well with ADHD 195
26 What are your whys? 197

27 The principles 201

Resources 209

Index 215

About the authors 226

Purchasers of this book can download and print enlarged versions

of select materials at [Link]/knouse-­materials for
personal use or use with clients (see copyright page for details).

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 preface

Approximately 5.4% of adults in the United States alone have ADHD.

This means that well over 14 million adults are affected by ADHD as
of this writing. If you’re among them, you know how impairing the
disorder can be, making it difficult to function the way you want to at
home and in your community, at work, and in school. This can be true
even if you have received a diagnosis (many people have not) and effec-
tive treatment. You may have discovered some effective tips designed
to help you get around the inattention and restlessness that are consid-
ered the hallmark symptoms of ADHD, and yet you’re still dissatisfied
with your quality of life.
Much advice about dealing with the challenges of ADHD is based
on the idea that ADHD is strictly a disorder of inattention and hyperac-
tivity. Having dedicated my professional life to the study of this disor-
der, I can say with confidence that this view is far too narrow. ADHD,
I’ve found from years of research, is a disorder of executive functioning
(EF) and the self-­regulation that flows from it. We need to be able to
self-­regulate in all domains of life, so it’s important to acquire skills and
strategies that will help us compensate for the EF deficits that come
with ADHD.
Enter this book. Based on her extensive knowledge and under-
standing of my theory of ADHD as a disorder of EF as well as of other
relevant fields of psychology, Dr. Laura Knouse has compiled a toolkit
overflowing with practical, effective, and even innovative methods for

vii

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 viii Preface

addressing the myriad challenges ADHD poses for responding to the

demands of adult life. In the following pages you will find help with
all the difficulties you encounter in your personal, occupational, and
educational lives.
The skills, strategies, and other tools in the following pages also
benefit from the clinical experience Dr. Knouse and I have had with
evaluating and counseling hundreds of adults with ADHD as they
address the many difficulties they experience. The illustrative quotes
offered in the book come from clients I’ve worked with (either dis-
guised to protect their privacy or composites of individuals). Before and
during her writing of this text, Dr. Knouse and I discussed and even
collaborated on the development and refinement of many of the tools
in this book. We also pulled from other literatures—occupational,
educational, and social functioning—that hold great promise for being
applied to the problems of adults with ADHD.
It has therefore been both a privilege and a pleasure for me to
collaborate with Dr. Knouse on this incredibly innovative and useful
book for adults with ADHD. While we’ve consulted on the content,
the writing is hers. (The I in the text refers to Dr. Knouse.) I have
known, mentored, and worked with Dr. Knouse for 24 years, since
she arrived at my clinical research lab for ADHD at the University of
Massachusetts Medical Center as a student majoring in psychology at
the University of Richmond. Throughout the ensuing years, she has
deeply studied my theory of ADHD (and others), often using her own
extensive knowledge of cognitive and behavioral psychology to derive
the most useful methods for helping adults with ADHD. It’s been a joy
to discuss the research on ADHD, especially in adults, design research
projects together, and coauthor scientific articles to share our studies of
the nature and problems posed for adults with ADHD. And now this
friendship and collaboration has resulted in a book that can help you
live well with adult ADHD. It is an honor to have been invited to join
Dr. Knouse as a coauthor of this incredibly beneficial book.
R. A. B.

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 acknowledgments

First and foremost, I would like to thank you, the reader, for placing
unearned trust in me to pick up this book and assume you might find
something valuable in its pages. Particularly if you are a person with
attention-­deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I thank you for your
willingness to see whether this book might have something useful to
offer. In that vein, I am grateful to all the clients, research partici-
pants, friends, and family members with ADHD who have allowed me
to learn from them and, in some cases, partner with them. Whatever
insights this book has to offer, they are the direct result of your gener-
osity of spirit.
I have been the beneficiary of a long list of committed mentors
who have shaped my career and given me the skills and confidence to
complete (nay, to even attempt!) this project. Thank you to Joan Frey
Boytim, Jennifer Cable, and Jeff Riehl: When you were teaching me
to sing, you were also teaching me how to write a book: how to take
ownership of an endeavor through meticulous preparation, and how to
trust that preparation enough to launch your work into the world, even
in the presence of your doubts. Deep thanks to Catherine Bagwell for
setting me on the clinical research pathway and mentoring me beyond
the frame of the academic year toward my first publication.
Russ, I literally (as the kids say) couldn’t have done it without you!
From my first timid days discussing readings and running participants
in your University of Massachusetts lab, you placed your confidence in

ix

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 x Acknowledgments

me and inspired me to think more deeply, to always strive to make my

work relevant to the people who need it, and to “pay it forward” by
generously mentoring those whose lives I might support.
Deepest gratitude to Steve Safren for your energetic mentoring
and for having enough faith in me to take me along on your ground-­
breaking cognitive-­ behavioral therapy (CBT) research adventure.
Every “Good job!” still means more than you know. Sincere thanks,
Susan Sprich, for your professional and personal mentoring. You are a
total badass. Jen Burbridge and Bob Knauz—I can’t thank you enough
for your skillful supervision as I honed my CBT skills and identity as a
therapist. Your confidence in me was crucial to eventually making this
book a reality. So many thanks to coauthor, friend, and mentor Gill
Hickman for showing me how to write a book by doing it alongside
me with unshakable confidence in my ability to partner with you, the
expert, in the endeavor.
It’s been a great privilege to work in the smallish and collegial
field of people studying psychological therapies for adults with ADHD.
Shout-out to John Mitchell, my long-time friend and brilliant col-
league. Although part of me thinks I’ll never really know how old
you are, I can’t imagine how different (and diminished) my profes-
sional journey would have been without your friendship at the begin-
ning. Much admiration and thanks to Russ Ramsay—your clinically
grounded insights truly formed the foundation of this field, and your
theoretically rich work continues to inspire. I am deeply grateful to
friends and collaborators Will Canu, Cynthia Hartung, and Kate
Flory—thank you for inviting me to be part of your college ADHD
CBT Dream Team! I have learned so much from each of you and val-
ued your mentoring and our deepening friendship.
The support of the University of Richmond and its passionate fac-
ulty, staff, and students have made this work possible. I am grateful
for financial support of my work from the School of Arts and Sci-
ences Faculty Research Committee as supported by the Dean’s office
and from the Office of the Provost. Most of all, I am thankful for the
unflagging support of my faculty colleagues in the Department of Psy-
chology for this work and the at times out-of-the-­ordinary research
endeavors I have pursued. Jane, Matt, Karen, Kristjen, Janelle, Arryn,
Cindy, Beth, Adam, Kelly, Camilla: Your confidence has allowed me

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 Acknowledgments xi

to exercise innovation in my teaching and scholarship in ways that can’t

be undervalued—including in my efforts to disseminate the results of
my work in books like this one. I am grateful too to staff members in
the University of Richmond Counseling and Psychological Services
(CAPS) unit—especially Pete Leviness, Sherry Ceperich, Kris Day, and
Mary Churchill, who have been willing to partner with me in creating
new clinical services for students with ADHD and in supporting my
research efforts. A shout-out is due to my writing accountability group
partners led by the steadfast H. Bondurant—thank you for your good
cheer as I plodded along toward manuscript completion. Above all, I
would like to thank the many University of Richmond students who
have partnered with me in learning and creating new knowledge—
whether it’s in the classroom, the lab (shout-out to dasLab/KNAB!), or
in skills groups. Your passion to make the world a better place, despite
the odds, inspires me to keep believing in that possibility and working
toward it too.
Sincere thanks to Chris Benton, Kitty Moore, and The Guilford
Press publishing team for putting their faith in me to create this book.
Your tolerance for my out-of-the-box ideas and your patience with
my excessive use of boldface and not-­always-met deadlines is much
appreciated, and I am so lucky that you were willing to truly partner
with me in this work. Thank you! A huge thank you to Phil Hilliker
for lending his design expertise in helping me figure out some of the
“choose your own adventure” elements of this book. (Thanks also for
running the best D&D game in town and letting me be a part of it.)
Finally, to my family—both received and chosen—thank you for
laying the foundation for me to (hopefully) help others through this
work. Dana, your steadfast loyalty and general bad-­assery inspire me
daily. Milo, your clinical insights and validation of this work helped me
to pursue it. Kristin, you have always inspired me to go for it despite
my overdeveloped concern about what other people think. Angie, you
are the best best friend a girl could ask for, and I feel eternally lucky
that someone so creative, brilliant, effective, and compassionate wants
to hang out with me. Mary, thanks for putting up with being my sister!
Seriously, I’m inspired by the passion you have for helping your cli-
ents, and I look forward to collaborating in the future. Mom and Dad:
Thank you for unfailingly supporting my education and for bringing

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 xii Acknowledgments

me up with a solid foundation of knowing I am loved and liked. Liam

and Craig: I’m lucky to be your mom. You guys are so different from
each other in ways that are delightful, but so similar in the joy you
bring to others, the kindness you show, and the creative gifts you have
for the world. I love you!
To Steve, my husband: You already know it all, even what I can’t
put into words. And these people don’t get to read about it.
—L. E. K.

Enormous gratitude goes to my coauthor, Laura Knouse, for including

me and my ideas in this work; to Kitty Moore of The Guilford Press
for her editorial advice; Christine Benton for her extraordinary advice
and editing; and the production staff at Guilford. I am also exception-
ally grateful to my partner, Gabriele Meerkamper, and my sons, Steve
and Ken, and their families, for their love and continued support of my
work.
—R. A. B.

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 introduction

This book is a collection of concise, evidence-based, action-­oriented

steps to help you address ADHD-related challenges that get in the way
of progress toward the goals that are most meaningful to you. In other
words, it’s a coaching manual for living well with ADHD.
Concise means that—­despite being a professor—I’ll try to com-
municate information efficiently and clearly. (Note that “I” throughout
the book refers to Laura, the first author.)
Evidence-based means that the information and recommendations
in this book are based on what we know from research about what’s
most helpful for adults with ADHD. The strategies in this book are also
consistent with basic principles of behavior change and the way think-
ing influences behavior—an approach generally known as cognitive-­
behavioral therapy (CBT). So, while not every specific strategy in this
book has been tested in a research study, everything recommended in
this book is consistent with the emerging science of what works best
for adults with ADHD.
Action-­oriented means that you’ll be able to make use of what you
read in this book right now, today. In fact, it’s the only way that any-
thing in this book is really going to make a difference in your life.
You’ll try things. And then tweak the approach and try again. Then
practice until that new strategy becomes the norm for you. The book
is designed to help you figure out which strategies might be best to try
first. I can guarantee, however, that not everything you try from this

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 2 Introduction

book will work for you or fit your life—but the only way to figure out
what to keep and what to discard is to experiment. Even if, out of this
whole book, you find only a handful of new strategies that improve
your daily life, that could make a huge difference.

What Is ADHD?

I could write a book 10 times as long as this one and still not fully
answer this question!* For the purpose of preparing you to use this
book, it’s most important for you to know the following:

• ADHD is about problems with executive functioning—

that is, how you regulate your behavior over time to meet goals.
The disorder’s core symptoms can make it difficult to pursue impor-
tant long-term goals over time in the face of distractions (inattention)
and without responding to less important but more enticing pursuits
(hyperactivity-­ impulsivity). The brain’s tools for self-­ regulating are
called executive functions, and they include self-­awareness, inhibition or
impulse control, working memory (remembering in order to do things),
emotional self-­regulation, self-­motivation, and planning/­problem solv-
ing. Perhaps knowing about these executive function categories can
help you understand why you may struggle with meeting goals you
value. They can also help you see the “why” behind many of the rec-
ommended strategies you will find throughout the book. The strategies
in this book are designed to help you boost your executive functioning
capacity, reduce demands on your self-­regulation, or both—all in the
service of pursuing what you decide is most meaningful.
• ADHD is associated with differences in brain function-
ing, mostly related to genetic variation. The executive func-
tioning challenges experienced by people with ADHD are related to
* If you’d like a more comprehensive answer to this question—and, if you’re new to an
ADHD diagnosis, I strongly recommend it—check out Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by
Dr. Barkley for a comprehensive and reader-­friendly summary of what we know about
ADHD based on the best-­quality scientific research.

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 Introduction 3

differences in brain functioning, and those differences are the result of

tiny variations in thousands of genes. This means that no two people with
ADHD have precisely the same disorder and symptoms, and impair-
ment can vary tremendously from person to person. That’s why it’s
important to recognize that not every strategy in this book will be
effective or useful to you—­another reason that being willing to test out
different approaches is so important.
• The impact of ADHD depends on the situation and the
environment. My guess is that you’ve observed this in your own
life—your ADHD-related traits cause more problems in some situ-
ations than in others. Classic parent-of-kid-with-ADHD comment:
“How can they have an attention disorder? They can pay attention to
[insert name of favorite video game or other activity here] for hours.”
Well, the truth is that some situations and tasks place more demands on
executive functioning than others. The you-do-­something-and-get-­
instant-­results nature of many video games doesn’t require the kind of
self-­regulation that, say, doing your taxes does.
The reason the situational variation of ADHD is important for
our purposes is that many suggested strategies in this book are ways to
“hack” the environment to reduce demands on your self-­regulation. In
addition, throughout the book I encourage you to reflect on ways that
you can put yourself in the environments that suit you best—a strategy
called niche picking.
• You can learn skills to better manage the impact of
ADHD on your life. This is the single most important thing you
need to know about ADHD for the purposes of this book. You
are not to blame for your ADHD—you didn’t choose it. But from
a growing number of research studies and my firsthand experience
with c­ lients, we know that people with ADHD—including you—are
capable of learning new skills and strategies that can help them get
closer to the goals that are most important to them. It’s probably going
to be difficult. It’s going to involve some false starts and some failed
attempts. But everything in my experience so far tells us that, when
it comes to human behavior, with the right strategies, change is always
possible.

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 4 Introduction

Is This Book for You?

It might sound egotistical, but I think this book can be for anyone who
chooses to pick it up and read it. As you will see, many of the strate-
gies provided might help anyone better manage the dizzying array of
goals a person could pursue in a day, all in a world that’s increasingly
crowded with distractions and technology that’s expertly designed to
suck up all our attention. In addition, if you are a family member or
friend of someone with ADHD, I hope this book can help you better
understand what might be useful to your loved one.*
But most of all this book is intended to help people who find that
ADHD symptoms are blocking them from doing what they want to do
and being who they want to be. I’ve attempted to address the areas that,
based on work with clients and ADHD research, seem to impact adults
with ADHD the most. High school and college students with ADHD
will find many of the strategies in this book useful; however, students
with ADHD may also need access to strategies for studying, note tak-
ing, and other academic tasks. If you are a college student and you find
the approach in this book helpful, you might benefit from my coau-
thored Thriving in College with ADHD therapist manual and student
skills workbook. For a comprehensive approach for high school stu-
dents, see Parent–Teen Therapy for Executive Function Deficits and ADHD:
Building Skills and Motivation by Margaret H. Sibley.

Who I Am

I’m a clinical psychologist who has been studying ADHD and working
with the adults who have it since the summer between my junior and
senior years of college, when I landed a research internship in Dr. Bar-
kley’s lab at UMass medical school, where I helped him conduct a study
that used a simulator to study driving in adults with ADHD. (Believe

* If you want to suggest any strategies from this book to a loved one with ADHD, please
do so with respect for their autonomy and from a place of compassion, not nagging. You
might also wish to read When an Adult You Love Has ADHD by Dr. Barkley.

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 Introduction 5

me, we have stories.) After my experience working in Dr. Barkley’s lab

and completing an undergraduate honor thesis in psychology, I pursued
graduate training that would allow me to continue research and clinical
work with adults with ADHD. This culminated in a clinical intern-
ship and postdoctoral fellowship where I trained in the then-­emerging
approach of CBT for adult ADHD. I’m now professor of psychology at
my alma mater, the University of Richmond, where I teach, conduct
research, mentor student researchers, and collaborate with colleagues
to develop and test CBT approaches for college students with ADHD.
I also work with students with ADHD in our counseling center. All
these experiences have shaped what I’ve written in this book. And I’m
grateful for Dr. Barkley’s collaboration on this work after many years
of benefiting from his generous mentoring.
I don’t have ADHD myself, so I don’t know what it’s like from my
own direct experience. But I hope this book is authentically informed
by the collaborative work I’ve done with people with ADHD, my for-
mer clients and students, and I hope you find it to be written in a way
that is respectful and empowering. I will also note that I’m a mom
of two kids, one of whom is on the autism spectrum, and that this
wonderful kiddo has been receiving treatment and support since being
diagnosed at age 3. While autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and ADHD
are certainly different, I do think my perspective in this book—in par-
ticular, my hope that you identify what actually matters to you in choos-
ing which goals to pursue—is influenced by my experience as a parent
of a neurodiverse person.
Finally, I’d like to share my intentions for how I want to be toward
you, the reader, as the author of this book. My aim is to be an effective
coach, which means I’ll strive to be:

• Encouraging—change is hard; cheerleading is necessary

• Realistic—change requires an honest assessment of where you
are and what steps are reasonable
• Strategic—change requires testing out some new strategies until
you find what’s effective

Thanks for reading this book! I’m excited to work with you.

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 6 Introduction

What This Book Is Not

• A replacement for a comprehensive ADHD assessment

by a qualified professional. Because concentration problems can be
symptoms of several mental health and medical disorders, ADHD can
be among the most challenging conditions to diagnose accurately. No
book or online quiz or primary care physician visit is a substitute for a
thorough clinical evaluation that can get to the bottom of what’s really
going on with you and direct you toward the best toolbox of interven-
tions. For information on finding a high-­quality assessment, see the
Resources at the back of the book.
• A resource for conditions other than ADHD. People with
ADHD are at higher risk of other mental health disorders, and you
may be experiencing other conditions that are affecting your function-
ing. While some of the strategies in this book might be useful for the
problems associated with other conditions, this book is not an adequate
resource for people with depression, anxiety disorders, or other condi-
tions. Its focus is on ADHD itself.
• A source of advice on medication for ADHD. Medica-
tions for ADHD are an undeniably important—and sometimes life-­
changing—tool for managing ADHD; however, this book will focus
on nonmedication strategies. (Although there will be some strategies
that could help you take your medication regularly.) See the Resources
at the back of the book for sources of information on medication.
• A substitute for CBT for ADHD (or any other kind of
work with a professional). While I hope you find this book helpful,
it’s not a substitute for the personalized professional approach that can
be provided by a well-­trained cognitive-­behavioral therapist. If you’ve
found some of the strategies or the principles of this book potentially
useful but need additional support to implement them in your life, seek
out a professional who can provide just that. See the Resources at the
back of the book for more information.

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 choose how to use
this book

Because no two adults with ADHD have the same needs, this book is
designed to be used flexibly. Read it straight through, cover to cover, if
you want, but I invite you to explore some of the alternative ways you
could engage. Think of this book in your hands (or on your screen) as a
Choose Your Own Adventure book* for learning more about yourself and
how to live well with ADHD.
There are three major sections in the rest of the book:

• Part One, the Toolbox: Provides coaching in a range of

tried-and-true skills that have helped many people live well with adult
ADHD.
• Part Two, the Menu: Breaks down specific challenges you
may experience as an adult with ADHD and directs you to possible
skills and solutions (including tools for the Toolbox). Most chapters in
the Menu begin with some questions you’ll answer to zero in on your
specific needs.
• Part Three, the Principles: Invites you to reflect on what
living well means to you and lays out the Principles underlying the
recommendations in this book. You can use the Principles to help you

* Yes, I grew up in the 1980s.

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 8 Choose How to Use This Book

adapt the tools or invent new ones, to help you remember to use strate-
gies at key moments, or to replenish your motivation when needed.

Important: You will notice that there is a lot of cross-­referencing

in the book—places where I refer you to other pages or sections.
This is because lots of the ideas and skills connect to one another,
and I didn’t want to repeat too much. To help you navigate, as
you read you may want to have nearby:

• Sticky notes, paper clips, or bookmarks

• A notebook where you will jot down your ideas as you
engage with the book (I’ve provided blanks for you to jot
down replies to prompts throughout the book; you can
either do that right in the book or use your notebook.)

Three Pathways
While you can jump into the book anywhere you like, here are three
pathways you could take based on your needs. Read the descriptions
and then mark off which pathway fits your needs best.

• The Nuts-and-Bolts Pathway: For readers who are eager to

build foundational skills or readers who have developed some coping
skills and are interested in new techniques they haven’t mastered yet.
You will start with picking up skills from the Toolbox, followed by
examples of ways to apply those tools in the Menu, and finally see how
these examples play out in terms of big-­picture principles for living.
• The Targeted Pathway: For readers who have a clear idea of
their biggest needs and want some possible solutions as soon as possible,
the targeted pathway is the way to go. Choose sections from the Menu
that meet your needs and you’ll be directed to specific skills from the
Toolbox that can help. Later you might benefit from going deeper with
the Principles section.
• The Big-­Picture Pathway: For readers who like to start with
the Big Ideas and then learn more about the specifics. Choose this

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 Choose How to Use This Book 9

pathway if you like to start by reflecting on your own goals and moti-
vations. You’ll start with the Principles, then learn about how they
show up in the skills in the Toolbox, followed by application to specific
problems in the Menu.

Mark the pathway in the diagram below that suits you best.
These are only suggestions—the best pathway through the book
is one that will keep you reading and, most importantly, trying out
these skills and ideas in your real life. So explore, engage, and see what
works!

The Nuts-and-Bolts Pathway

Toolbox Menu Principles

The Targeted Pathway

Menu Toolbox Principles

The Big-Picture Pathway

Principles Toolbox Menu

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Knouse_LivingWellwithAdultADHD.indd 10 7/22/2025 [Link] AM
 PART ONE
your ADHD
toolbox

If anyone tells you there’s a one-size-fits-all solution to the problems

that ADHD causes in life, be very skeptical. Each person, each situa-
tion, each moment is different. Managing ADHD (and life in general)
involves flexibly applying tools and strategies to figure out “what
works” in each situation you find yourself in.
Responding flexibly demands a variety of tools in your meta-
phorical ADHD Toolbox. You might visualize a traditional set of
home repair tools, but if that’s not interesting to you, choose a tool
set that’s more personally meaningful, such as:

• Your drawer of kitchen tools

• Your car detailing kit
• Your collection of art supplies
• Your package of editing programs, settings, and filters
• Your gardening tools
• Your knitting or sewing tools and supplies
• Your idea here:

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 12 Your ADHD Toolbox

Whatever you choose, recognize that you need enough tools to

do a variety of jobs and the ability to switch tools if needed. This is
exactly how you should think of your ADHD Toolbox.
It’s also important to recognize that putting a new tool in your
box is only the first step. Like learning to use any new tool, it will take
time and practice. And sometimes that will be hard, and you’ll feel
like you’re not making progress, and you might want to give up. And
when it gets hard, remember this:

No one thing always works.

If something isn’t working, it doesn’t mean that you’ll never fig-

ure it out or that the tool you chose is worthless. It means that life is
a moving target, and you may have to try again, choose a different
tool, show yourself kindness—and sometimes do all three. That’s just
how it goes.
But sometimes things will work. And sometimes you’ll get a little
bit better at recognizing what to try next time. And over time, bit
by bit, you will find you’re living better and better with your ADHD.

Tools for the Toolbox

In this book tools include any device, skill, or strategy you can use
to change your behavior, mood, thoughts, or environment in a way
that could help you live in the direction of your goals. Throughout
the Menu section of the book, I’ll refer back to these tools when one
applies to a particular problem. And I hope that you’ll find uses for
these tools that I haven’t thought of.

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 Your ADHD Toolbox 13

As you try out the tools in this section, add your favorites to your
Tools and Strategies Log (available to download and print at www.
[Link]/knouse-­materials). You can also use a notebook, elec-
tronic document, or notes app to record your progress and ideas.
But please keep in mind:

You don’t have to use all the tools!

Otherwise, this Toolbox could easily feel overwhelming. No one

expects you to add all these tools to your box. That’s not the goal.
The goal is to develop a collection of tools that works for you and
your needs—not to meet someone else’s expectations. Finding even
one new, effective tool that you use consistently could change your
life for the better. (Believe me; I’ve seen it happen.)

Yeah, Right—I’ve Tried a Bunch of These Before

That’s probably true. Nevertheless, as you look through the Toolbox,

please keep an open mind. You may have tried using some of these
tools, but they didn’t work as well as you’d hoped. Maybe you’re hav-
ing thoughts like “I’ve tried to use a planner a million times, and it just
doesn’t work for me” or “I’m just a disorganized person, and no tool is
going to change all that.”
There might be least some truth to thoughts like these. It’s your
brain’s way of using your past experience to help you predict the
future. But those predictions might also be wrong. They might block
you from discovering a way that a tool really could work for you. So
consider the possibility that what hasn’t worked just hasn’t worked yet.

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 14 Your ADHD Toolbox

To discover what works for you, for each new tool, you will need
to:

Commit to a warm-up phase.

It’s important to give yourself and the tool a chance to get used
to each other. Any new skill, new relationship, new anything may feel
clunky at first, so it’s important not to quit at the first sign of awk-
wardness. Give the tool time to feel comfortable in your hands. I rec-
ommend at least a week of tryout for each tool, adjusting as you go.
This won’t be easy, but it might be worth it—there’s only one way to
find out.

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 1
tools for organizing
time and tasks

Adulting requires managing appointments, tasks, and deadlines. Tools

that tell you what to do when are crucial. Maybe when you were
younger—when your brain was quicker and you had fewer things to
manage—you could hold everything you needed to do in your mind
without using any tools. But for most adults that’s an unreasonable
expectation—­especially if you’re an adult with ADHD.
Most of us need add-ons to our memory and planning capacity—
like mental wheelbarrows that let you carry five times as many heavy
objects as you could using just your arms. The tools in this chapter
are designed to enhance your brain power by allowing you to offload
information and visualize it in a way that will help you decide what
to do when. Lots of other tools and strategies in this book rely on the
tools in this chapter—so consider these foundational tools in your box.
You may have tried tools like this before and struggled. That’s
okay and not unexpected. It’s true that, for people with ADHD, it can
be harder to make these tools into habits. But from years of working
with adults with ADHD, I’ve seen time and again that people with
ADHD can learn to use these strategies and improve their lives. It
might just take a little more time, repetition, or tweaking. The idea is
to practice using the tool until it feels strange not to use it.

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 16 Your ADHD Toolbox

Calendar System

A Calendar System is an absolute essential in any adult ADHD Tool-

box. This tool tells you what’s coming up and how long you have to
prepare for it, reducing unpleasant surprises in your life.
Your Calendar System can be on paper, or it can be digital. There
are pros and cons to each. I will admit that I am a huge Google Calen-
dar fan because of its visual layout and the ability to link information to
each appointment, set reminders, and access the calendar on my phone
or computer. But some people are die-hard paper planner devotees.
What’s best is what works for you.
Importantly, you should choose the system that will allow you to
follow the calendar rules shown on the facing page. These rules are
designed to help you make the most of the calendar and fast-track your
way to making it a habit.

Will you use a paper calendar or a digital calendar? If digital,

which one?
I’ll try using:

Will your choice help you stick to the calendar rules? yes no

(If no, choose a different system.)

Great! Now that you’ve chosen the tool you want to build into a
habit, it’s time to commit to the calendar practice rule.
You have to test-drive your Calendar System, committing to the
calendar rules shown on the facing page for at least a week before decid-
ing to switch to a different system.
Why? Any new tool will feel clunky at first. People with ADHD
tend to really like novel things, so in the early stages of learning any-
thing new, it can be tempting to switch to a new, brighter, shinier tool.
The problem is that frequent switching means you won’t spend enough
time with a system to make it an automatic habit.

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 Tools for Organizing Time and Tasks 17

Calendar rules But why?

Use only one Calendar System for Using more than one system means
yourself. different information can end up in
different places. Confusing!
You need access to the calendar at You need to be able to add to your
all times. calendar and check it anytime,
anywhere.
Put all appointments and schedule The calendar is useful only if it’s an
items in the calendar right away. accurate reflection of your life.
Check your calendar several times The calendar is useful only if you’re
per day. . . . using it.

Task-­Tracking System

Some form of the classic “to-do” list is an utter necessity in any ADHD
Toolbox. This tool gives you a comprehensive view of everything that’s
on your plate so that you can distribute your time and effort strategi-
cally—that is, prioritize. (More about this in the next section.)
Your Task-Tracking System can be on paper—such as a section
in your planner or just a notepad—or it can be digital, and there are
pluses and minuses to each. Task-tracker apps can contain a huge range
of features, but really all you need is the ability to add items to a list,
label or sort them in some way, and check them off. (So satisfying!) My
personal favorite app for personal task tracking is Trello. I’ve had lots of
clients say they like Google Keep.
Whatever you choose, pick a system that will allow you to best
follow the task-tracker rules shown on the next page. Like the calendar
rules, these rules are designed to help you fast-track your way to a task
list habit.

Will you use a paper or a digital task tracker? If digital, which

one?
I’ll try using:

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 18 Your ADHD Toolbox

Task-tracker rules But why?

Use only one task tracker for Using more than one system means
yourself. (No notes on scraps of different information can end up in
paper or sticky notes everywhere!)* different places. Confusing!
You need access to the Task-­ You need to be able to add to your
Tracking System at all times. task tracker and check it anytime,
anywhere.
Put all to-do tasks into the tracker Tasks not in the tracker will get
right away. missed.
Check your task tracker several The tracker is useful only if you’re
times per day. . . . using it.
*Sticky notes are excellent tools for placing reminders in strategic locations—just don’t use
them as your method for overall task tracking.

Will your choice help you stick to the task-tracker rules?

yes no
(If no, choose a different system.)
Great! Now that you’ve chosen the tool you want to build into
a habit, it’s time to commit to that important practice rule: using the
system for at least a week before trying something else.

Priority Labeling (or Sorting)

Looking at a giant list of to-be-done tasks can be intimidating because

everything can feel urgent. To deploy your time and effort efficiently,
you’ll need to add a Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system to your Task-­
Tracking System. Then you’ll have a better idea of where to focus your
attention and effort.
Follow these steps:
1. Label each task in your tracker with a due date based on infor-
mation from your Calendar System.
2. For tasks without a definite due date, label these with the date
by which you’d like to complete the task—your due date.

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 Tools for Organizing Time and Tasks 19

3. Next, label each task based on how important you think it is. In
other words, how big a difference it will ultimately make in your life if
you do (or don’t) get it done. Try your best to give this rating without
paying attention to how urgent the task is (that is, the due date).
4. Finally, use the due dates and the importance rating to label or
sort each task into priority categories. Adapting work by Dr. Steven
Safren, I recommend the following categories:

A Tasks: Very urgent and important. They need to be done today

or tomorrow.
B Tasks: Not as urgent, but still important. Some part needs to
get done in the next few days. Break off part of a B task and make
that an A task.
C Tasks: Not really urgent or important but may be easy. Be care-
ful not to get stuck doing just these!

By label or sort I mean you can literally write A, B, or C next to the

task, color-code it, or create separate lists for each priority rating. For
example, using Trello, I can put each task on a little virtual card with
its own due date and then create columns or stacks of these cards. Using
Trello, you could create your “A Stack” on the far left followed by your
“B Stack” and “C Stack” to the right across the screen.* Then just drag
and drop the task items as they change in priority over time.
This seems really tedious. Am I going to have to do this for every task?
Forever?
Well, sort of. Like any of the tools, Priority Labeling (or Sorting)
is going to feel clunky at first, but with practice, applying these labels
will become second nature.
Now the hard part . . .

* In reality I have my stacks labeled according to when I need to work on and complete
the task: “Today’s Tasks” on the far left, followed by “This Week’s Tasks,” followed by
“Future Tasks.” But now I’m thinking I should try A, B, C instead! Also important:
Do I always stick to completing everything on my daily list or doing the tasks in the
“correct” priority order? Answer: Absolutely not, but using this priority system helps me
complete a larger number of important tasks than I would if I just did tasks willy-nilly.
The bottom line: Doing the system perfectly isn’t the point. The point is to make your use of
the system good enough to produce some benefit.

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 20 Your ADHD Toolbox

Now that you know your priorities, you need to devote your time
and effort to A tasks before B tasks before C tasks. It sounds simple, but
it’s actually pretty difficult because more important tasks usually have
a lot of steps, so they can’t give you the satisfaction of immediate com-
pletion. You might look at an A or B task and just feel gross or over-
whelmed—like you want to do anything else.
This is how we get stuck in C-task land, checking our email or
tidying our desk when we know we should be doing something more
urgent or important. Some people call this “productive procrastina-
tion” or “procrastivity,” but unfortunately it’s often quite unproductive
and can create stress in your life.
Fortunately, there are other tools that you can use to help you bring
your efforts in line with your priorities. The next chapter describes
these tools.

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 2
tools for starting,
stopping,
and finishing

Knowing what to do when is only the first half of the equation when
it comes to getting your actions to line up with your intentions and
goals. A lot of the time the hardest part is simply doing the thing. And
adults with ADHD often report having difficulties getting started on
important things, even when they know what’s important.
What’s sometimes less obvious is that problems getting started can
be the result of difficulty stopping doing other things. Although there’s
not much solid scientific research on it yet, many adults with ADHD
report difficulties controlling “hyperfocus” states—that is, getting so
wrapped up in a rewarding task or activity that they lose awareness of
time and of other tasks that might need their attention. Shifting your
attention—or task switching—might be difficult for you without some
extra tools in that Toolbox. In the Menu section, I specifically address
hyperfocus in Chapters 4 and 11. For now, let’s put the tools in the
Toolbox that can help you manage it.

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 22 Your ADHD Toolbox

Clocks, Watches, and Timers

Timekeeping devices can be powerful tools to help people—with and

without ADHD—shift tasks when they need to. Consider integrating
more of these devices into your environment and into your daily life
and using them in the following ways.

Clocks
Placing more clocks in your environment can improve your awareness
of time, which can be particularly important for adults with ADHD
who have less accurate “internal clocks” to perceive the passage of the
hours. Fortunately, there are lots of attractive options if you want to
add more clocks to your life. (Classic Kit-Cat Klock, anyone?) Loca-
tion is important here. For example, does it seem like you fall into a
time warp when doing your morning bathroom routine? Put a clock
there.

Watches
Watches have the added advantage of following you around every-
where you go. Sure your mobile phone has a clock you can check, but a
watch is attached to your body in a way that makes it maximally acces-
sible. In addition, watches can be programmed with alarms, and those
that sync with your phone can deliver vibrating alarms and reminders
synced with your Calendar System.

Timers
Timers have been an especially powerful and flexible tool for many
of the adults with ADHD that I’ve worked with. They come in many
forms from timer apps on your phone to the timers on your oven or
microwave to stand-alone models from an old-­school hourglass to plas-
tic cubes that time different durations depending on which side you put
them on (my personal favorite).

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 23

Timers are useful for both starting and stopping. For starting, if
there’s a task you can’t stand and you’re having trouble getting started,
it might be easier to commit to just 10 minutes of that task. You only
have to commit do doing the task until the timer rings. And you might
find that once you get started, it’s not so bad.
For stopping tasks that suck you in, you can set a timer before you
begin the task and use the alarm as a signal to stop. If you want to get
even fancier, there are integrated timers for apps and web browsers that
can shut off access to certain activities when a certain amount of use
time is up. For more information on these, see Switch Gears When You
Need To (Chapter 11), Section A (page 104).

Alarms, Reminders, and Prompts

Many of the tasks you do in a day must be done in a certain location or

at a certain time. You need to take your medication in the bathroom
each morning before you leave the house. You have to put the garbage
out by the road every other Thursday evening. You have to grab your
gym bag before going out the door in the morning on days that you
have after-work volleyball practice. It’s a lot to manage!
If you have ADHD, it may be difficult to remember when and
where to do things throughout your complex day. Alarms, Reminders,
and Prompts can help take the load off your brain and instead put the
work of remembering into the environment around you.
Check out the table on the next page for examples of these tools
and consider how you can use them in your daily life.
You can get really creative with these methods of “hacking the
environment.” Here’s one of my favorite suggestions from a former
student with ADHD.
This student would often buy lots of healthy fruits and vegetables
but then forget about them in the crisper drawer until they were spoiled
and had to be thrown away. She hacked the refrigerator environment
by swapping the produce in the crisper drawers with the condiments on
the door shelves. That way, the fruits and veggies were literally “in her

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 24 Your ADHD Toolbox

Alarms, Reminders, and Prompts

Alarm Reminder Prompt

What is A signal (usually a A statement of what An object in your

it? sound) that it’s time you need to do at a environment
to do something particular place or that nudges you
occasion toward an action

When is When you need to When you need to When you need
it useful? do something at a do something (or to do something
specific time or by not do something!) at a particular
a deadline at a particular location and use
location or at a time an object or item
that you’re typically to do it
in that location

Examples • Add an alarm to • Put a sticky • Hang your

an appointment note on your gym bag on the
in your online bathroom mirror: doorknob of the
calendar to go “Is it Thursday? front door
off at the time Did you put the • Duct-tape your
you need to leave trash out?” medication
the house (or • Record a voice bottle to your
before) memo of the toothbrush
• Set an alarm that items you need
also darkens your to get at the store
phone screen and link it to
when it’s time to that task in your
go to bed calendar
Note: The difference between these three tools is really subtle and not super important,
but I’ve separated them out to encourage you to think of new, creative ways to use tools
like this in your daily life.

face” every time she opened the fridge, while the condiments—which
keep for a long time and have specific uses—were tucked away but
ready when she needed to go looking for them. And now this is what
my fridge looks like too.
This is a great example of creating prompts for desired behavior,
but it’s just one example of how you can hack your environment. Be
creative, have fun—and let me know what you come up with!

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 25

Reduced-Distraction Environments

One of the most important ways you can hack your environment when
you have ADHD is to engineer a personalized setup for maximizing
your focus and minimizing distractions when you need to do deep
work. If you struggle with ADHD, your threshold for getting distracted
may be lower than other people’s—­especially when you’re working on
a task that’s boring or anxiety provoking. This section will help you
engineer a personalized environment that will reduce the temptation
to divert your attention elsewhere.

Step 1: Do a Distraction Inventory

The best way to do this is to actually sit down and try to work on a boring
task. When you get distracted (because you will), use the chart on page
26 to make a note of the causes of that distraction (another copy is avail-
able for downloading and printing at [Link]/knouse-­materials).

Step 2: Plan Your Reduced-Distraction Environments

Based on what you observed in Step 1, map out ways to prevent or
manage the distractions that get you off track. I’ve provided you with
some ideas that have worked for my clients to get started.

• Ideas for managing sound: Earplugs or earmuffs, noise-­

canceling headphones, focus-­friendly playlists on a streaming service
(there’s a whole Focus category on Spotify), recordings of ambient
sounds like rain, white noise, or coffee shop sounds; actually working
in a coffee shop.
• Ideas for managing visuals: Working in a private space,
switching up the lighting, adding pleasant visuals like plants, curtains,
or blinds to adjust lighting.
• Ideas for managing tech: Turning off text or email notifi-
cations on devices, turning your phone off before working, putting
your phone away in your bag or in a drawer, using apps like Freedom,

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 CAUSES OF DISTRACTION
Source of
distraction Examples Notes

Noises in the
room, silence,
Sounds
people talking in
the background

Fluorescent
Sights lights, pets or kids
moving around

Phone buzzing,
email notifications,
Tech pop-up ads,
checking certain
websites

Anxious thoughts,
thoughts about
Thoughts
other things you
and feelings
should be doing,
feeling restless

Other

From Living Well with Adult ADHD by Laura E. Knouse and Russell A. Barkley. Copyright © 2026
The Guilford Press. Permission to photocopy this material, or to download enlarged printable ver-
sions ([Link]/knouse-­materials), is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use; see
copyright page for details.

26

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 27

BlockSite, or StayFocusd to restrict your access to certain sites while

working.
• Ideas for managing thoughts and feelings: Writing down
your distracting thoughts on a notepad while working to deal with
them later; using the Pomodoro Technique (page 32) to build in struc-
tured breaks; using a fidget toy, standing desk, or other type of physical
movement to manage internal restlessness.

You can jot down your answers to the following questions in the
blanks or in your notebook.

Environment 1: Where will you work, and what strategies will

you have in place to reduce distractions?
Where?
What strategies?
1.
2.
3.

Environment 2: Where will you work, and what strategies will

you have in place to reduce distractions?
Where?
What strategies?
1.
2.
3.

Step 3: Set It Up + Reminders

Now use your plan to set up your Reduced-Distraction Environments
or get what you need to act on your strategies.

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 28 Your ADHD Toolbox

Important: How will you remember to actually use these strategies

when you need them?
I recommend that you create reminders of your Reduced-Distraction
Environments plan, so you can remember what you need to be most suc-
cessful. You could:

• Write your plan on a sticky note that goes inside your planner or
on your laptop cover
• Make a sign to post in your desk area
• Write your plan on a virtual sticky note that’s on your computer
desktop

Task Chunks

The most important and meaningful tasks in your life are often the
ones that are most complicated. Many important tasks are really a
long chain of individual tasks knitted together to make a series of
­hurdles you have to tackle one at a time. Take for example income
taxes. If you do them yourself, you need to assemble all your paper-
work and then follow a long series of tedious steps before you can hit
“submit.”
Imagine you’ve added “Do taxes” to your task tracker. How do
you think you’ll feel when you look at that task? Probably not “Yessss!
I can’t WAIT to do this task!” It’s probably the opposite, something
like “Ugh, I don’t have time to do that now” or “That feels too over-
whelming; I can do it later.” In an instance like this, you need to break
off Task Chunks that are very specific and more reasonable to tackle.
For “Do taxes,” the Task Chunks might be:

1. Make an account on [Link]*

2. Use the website to make a list of needed documents
3. Gather needed documents to a folder (electronic or paper)

* Not a real site, but just go with me on this.

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 29

4. Start your online return

5. Tackle one section of the tax return and hit “save”
6. Continue until you can submit

How do Task Chunks help you accomplish things? Let’s do an

experiment—look at these two list items and compare how you’d feel
if given a choice between them:

Choice 1: Do taxes.
Choice 2: Make an account on [Link].

Which one feels ickier? More vague? And which one are you more
likely to avoid?
If you’re like me, you’d probably be more likely to tackle Choice 2
because it tells you exactly what do to, it doesn’t seem like it would take
forever, and you’ll be able to check it off your list quickly. And once
you make that account on the tax site, it’s possible you’ll go ahead to
the next step anyway—an example of what psychologists call behavioral
momentum.
So, if you look at a task on your list and feel the urge to avoid it
(“Ugh!”), it’s time to break that task into chunks, add those chunks to
your task list, and tackle the first chunk.

Rewarding Consequences

When it comes to motivation problems, the absolute worst advice I can

think of is the classic Nike tagline: “Just do it.” Why? Because trying
to force yourself to do something rarely works in the absence of other
motivators. One of the most powerful motivators is the immediate conse-
quence of an action—that is, what comes directly after the behavior. If an
action has been followed by Rewarding Consequences in the past, it’s
more likely to happen again. And if you know you’ll be able to access a
reward right after an action, that reward can help to pull your behavior
along toward the goal.

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 30 Your ADHD Toolbox

You pick up your phone; you can check the latest news. You open
the refrigerator; you can see an array of rewarding foods. You turn on
the shower; warm water flows over you. Every tiny action you do in a
day is pulled along by its immediate consequences.
You can harness the power of Rewarding Consequences and use
them to help you get started on tasks and see them through to comple-
tion. Rewarding Consequences can include:

• Access to a rewarding item, like a cup of coffee

• Access to enjoyable activities, like watching a favorite video on
YouTube*
• Praise or positive attention from someone you respect
• Escape from a hard task by taking a short break

To use Rewarding Consequences most powerfully, consequences

must be:

• Clearly stated: Write down your reward plan by using “If I

do [specific task description], then I can [rewarding consequence]” as a
model. An example would be “If I spend 30 minutes doing the dishes,
then I can watch an episode of Parks and Recreation.”
• Immediate: Choose Rewarding Consequences you can access
right away.
• Meaningful: Be sure it’s something you actually value enough
to be motivated by.
• Right-sized: At the same time, make sure the Rewarding
Consequences aren’t too big or time-­consuming in proportion to the
task. When in doubt, break tasks into small pieces and follow them
with small rewards versus expecting yourself to do a massive task for an
equally massive reward.

* Oddly, rewarding activities don’t have to be enjoyable. Any activity that’s more preferred
than the activity you’re trying to reward can work as a motivator. You could reward your-
self with the opportunity to do an easier chore if you do a harder chore beforehand—in
other words, “do the worst first.”

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 31

Among the most important ideas behind these strategies is that

the rewards for doing a task must be greater than those positive con-
sequences for not doing it. Or its corollary, the reasons for not doing a
task must be far more aversive than those involved in getting it done.
Either way there must be a sizable imbalance in these incentives to
motivate you to start the task. So arranging the consequences of doing
and not doing a task is a critical part of getting work done.
Let’s try this out. Pick a task from your Task-Tracking System (page
17) that should take about 30 minutes and then think of a Rewarding
Consequence that seems right-sized for that task.

If I        then I will       

Now either test out this action-­consequence immediately or put it

in your Calendar System to try later today. Continue to look for ways
to work Rewarding Consequences into your daily life by following less
preferred activities with more preferred, rewarding activities.

Strategic Task Scheduling

Another way to help you get started on important but avoided tasks is
to make a specific and strategic appointment with yourself. Here you’ll
use your Calendar System and the power of Rewarding Consequences
to increase the likelihood that you’ll get started on something you’ve
been putting off.
To schedule strategically, follow these steps:

1. Choose a task that you have been avoiding.

2. Break off a chunk that will last no more than 30–60 minutes.
3. Choose a time on your calendar to schedule the task. Consider
an optimal time of day for you.
4. Schedule the task in the slot you chose.
5. Schedule a Rewarding Consequence right afterward. Literally
write the consequence in the calendar.

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 32 Your ADHD Toolbox

For the Rewarding Consequence, you might leverage rewarding

things that naturally happen throughout your day, such as an already-­
scheduled lunch with a friend, and schedule the avoided task right
beforehand.
Another version of Strategic Task Scheduling is temptation bundling.
You can use this strategy when an avoided task can be done simultaneously
with a rewarding task. For example:

• Watching your favorite show while running on the treadmill

• Listening to a beloved podcast while washing the dishes
• Listening to the new Taylor Swift album while folding the laun-
dry
• Turning on your essential oil diffuser while doing your taxes
• Drinking your favorite tea while grading papers

Importantly, temptation bundling works best if you only let your-

self do the rewarding thing when you’re doing the avoided task and at no
other times. This can sometimes be a problem for people when no one
else knows of this private contract you have made with yourself. The
opportunity to cheat the agreement with yourself is always present.
To undercut this temptation, it is often recommended that you dis-
close your contract with yourself to someone else with whom you are
friendly, when possible, as such public accountability for self-­change
can go a long way toward ensuring that the agreement is fulfilled.

The Pomodoro Technique

When you have a lengthy, unexciting task that you just can’t seem
to start or sustain, it’s time to break out the big guns: the Pomodoro
Technique. It was invented by Francesco Cirillo when, as a university
student, he needed to buckle down and get a lot of studying done.
Here it’s adapted to help you manage ADHD-related distractibility and
motivation challenges.
The classic Pomodoro method uses these steps (but read on to see
how to make them more user-­friendly for a person with ADHD):

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 33

1. Write down the Task Chunk you need to work on.

2. Set a timer for 25 minutes (25 minutes = 1 Pomodoro).
3. Work on the task until time is up.
4. Take a 5-minute break.
5. Every 4 Pomodoros, take a longer break (20–30 minutes).

Important: Many adults with ADHD find that they need to work
up to being able to focus for longer periods of time. So start with
a smaller work period, like 5 minutes, and follow that with a very
short break—like 2 minutes—then repeat. Your goal is to eventu-
ally increase the timer duration to 25 minutes but not make the
breaks so long that you get distracted by finding something more
interesting to do. And for some people, 25 minutes will always be
too long. Adults with ADHD typically say that their sweet spot
for Pomodoro work periods is somewhere between 8 and 20–25
minutes. Whatever the interval that leads to success at sustained
work, that is the Pomodoro interval for you.

I’d describe Pomodoro as a mega-tool because it combines three

of our Starting and Stopping tools into one: a timer,* Task Chunks,
and Rewarding Consequences (that is, the 5-minute break). And for-
tunately there are lots of apps based on Pomodoro that you can use to
structure your work time. Search for one in the app store, choose a task
from your task tracker, and give this tool a test drive.

Accountability Partners

For most humans, approval and support from others are powerful
rewards that can motivate our behavior when the task-­related going
gets tough. Accountability Partners are people who have committed to
helping you stay on track toward your goals.

* The technique is named for the tomato-­shaped kitchen timer Cirillo used (pomodoro is
Italian for tomato).

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 34 Your ADHD Toolbox

Accountability partnerships may:

• Be a one way street—like coaching—or based on partners offer-

ing mutual support
• Be pair or group based, such as an accountability group
• Be one shot or ongoing
• Range from minimal interaction and support—like simply
working in the same space as another person—to higher degrees
of feedback and support

Body doubling is a popular minimal interaction version of account-

ability partnership. Partners simply work alongside each other in a
physical or virtual space, and their mutual presence helps them stay
focused and on task. For those wishing to stick to an exercise routine,
scheduling runs or gym visits with a workout buddy can help you stick
to your intentions.*
For people trying to tackle long-term solitary projects, such as
writing a book, accountability groups offer a space for mutual motiva-
tion and empathy. For example, I wrote this book with the support of
a Summer Writing Accountability Group at the University of Rich-
mond.** We met for 1 hour per week to body double while writing
and used a shared Google Doc to set our weekly and daily goals, to
track our progress, and to use comments and emojis to provide encour-
agement and feedback to each other.
The most important step in a successful accountability partnership
(and most relationships!) is setting clear expectations. If you’re consid-
ering setting up a partnership, use the prompts that follow to plan your
ask.

What is the task you want to accomplish or the behavior you

want to sustain?

* I stumbled on the ultimate version of the workout accountability partnership—I’m the

instructor for my fitness classes ( Jazzercise!), so I really must show up.
** Shout out to H., Lauren, Abigail, and Jannette!

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 35

What type of support do you think you need? (Check all that
apply.)

‰ Presence of another person (body doubling; workout

buddy)
‰ Praise or positive affirmation
‰ Empathy with struggles
‰ Feedback or suggestions for improvement
‰ Administering Rewarding Consequences (other than
praise)

Would you prefer:

‰ A one-way partnership (coaching)

‰ A two-way partnership (mutual accountability)
‰ A group

Who in your life might be able to provide this type of support?*

(If you’re not sure, write down some ideas for how to identify
people who could be good partners—for example, online affinity
groups, others at your gym, and so on.)

Decide with your Accountability Partner(s):

How frequently will you meet or check in? (It should be at least
weekly.)

How long will this partnership last?

* Exercise caution if you’re considering your spouse or intimate partner as an Account-

ability Partner. Even the healthiest of these relationships have complicated dynamics that
might make an accountability partnership more messy than helpful.

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 36 Your ADHD Toolbox

Where will you meet (physical or virtual)?

What will you do during meetings or check-ins?

Choice Point Analysis

When it comes to starting and stopping tasks, it pays to attend to

what’s going on inside your body and mind. At hundreds of choice
points throughout the day, we experience feelings and thoughts that
mark or influence which actions we choose. Becoming aware of your
inner world can be an important tool toward making more intentional
choices about what to do in a given moment.
Here are some examples. As you read them, underline or highlight
anything that feels familiar to you.
You really want to commit to a regular exercise routine, so you can
feel better and lower the risk of heart disease, which runs in your fam-
ily. You set the goal of working out on 4 of the 7 days in the upcoming
week. But now it’s Day 5, and you haven’t even worked out once. You
feel ashamed and angry at yourself. You think, “Just another example
of how I’ve failed again. Why can’t I be a real adult and control myself?
It’s ruined now.” You start playing on your phone to distract yourself
from feeling bad and don’t go to the gym today or any other day the
rest of the week.
It’s 9:00 p.m., and you haven’t done the dishes yet, even though you
promised your partner you’d do that chore daily this week. (A clean
kitchen is really important to helping you and your partner feel less
stressed out.) You’re lying on the couch watching Netflix, and the next
episode of your show starts automatically. You think about getting up
to wash the dishes and feel a sense of exhaustion. You think to yourself,
“I can watch just one more episode and then do those dishes. I worked
hard today and deserve it.” You fall asleep on the couch and wake up
at 2:00 A.M.

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 37

You’ve got a big presentation for work due on Friday, and it’s late
on Tuesday. You have another hour left before you have to leave to pick
up your child at day care. You look at “work on presentation” on your
task tracker and feel a sense of disgust (“Ugh!”). You think to yourself,
“I don’t have enough time to really get started on this now anyway—I
have plenty of time tomorrow. I work better under pressure anyway.”
You spend the hour working on an easy task that’s not due for another
month.
What did you notice from the examples above? Did anything feel
familiar? If so, what?

Here are a few more things to notice about these examples:

1. Each scenario has a choice point where an important but more

difficult task takes a back seat to something less important. These situ-
ations are very common in the everyday lives of adults whether they
have ADHD or not, but adults with ADHD may experience them even
more often.
2. The effects of moments like these add up. It’s not a terrible or
wrong thing when a person decides to put off a task until later. There
can be really good reasons for doing so, and I’m not saying it’s good for
people to be working, working, working continuously. (To be clear,
that is not healthy.) But spending the majority of your time putting off
important tasks can lead to increased stress, relationship or employment
problems, and the sense that you’re not accomplishing important goals
in your life.
3. Each choice point is accompanied by feelings and thoughts that
mark or influence the decision to put off the important task. Although
not every choice has feelings and thoughts you can notice, when you
look back on your experiences, you might be able to identify signals
like these.

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 38 Your ADHD Toolbox

Becoming aware of your own patterns of feelings and thoughts

at task choice points can take some practice, so there’s a specific tool
you can use to get better at it: the Choice Point Analysis. Choice Point
Analysis forms are available to download and print at [Link]/
knouse-­materials.

1. Choose a recent time when you put off an important task and
it later caused problems for you. What was the task?
  
2. Why was this task important to you?
  
3. When you made the choice, where were you? What was
going on?
  
4. When you thought about the important task in that moment,
how did you feel?
  
5. What thoughts went through your head?
  
6. What did you do instead of the important task?
  
7. Do any of your answers seem old? Like maybe they’ve
happened a lot before? These are things to look out for in the
future.
  

Congrats! You’ve completed your first Choice Point Analysis.

Whenever you realize you’ve put off doing a task or made some other
choice that didn’t serve you in the long run, stop and ask yourself these
questions. Even if you realize it later, do the Choice Point Analysis for
practice.

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 39

As mentioned, you can find blank Choice Point Analysis forms—

one for choices in general and one for procrastination—to download
and print at [Link]/knouse-­materials. Over time you may begin
to notice that particular situations, thoughts, and feelings signal that
you’re about to avoid a task.
It may seem strange, but the goal of the Choice Point Analysis isn’t
to change anything—rather, the goal is to gather some clues about what
might be going on so that you can become more aware and have a
fighting chance of “catching yourself ” and making a different decision
in the future.
Awareness is the first step.
But it takes time and practice! One idea for improving your aware-
ness of choice points is to take note of the thoughts that come up for
you frequently in these moments. I sometimes refer to these frequent
but frequently problematic thoughts as personal red flag thoughts. When
you notice them coming up, you may be in a moment where alterna-
tive strategies are needed. For example, you might “know” you need
to leave for an appointment but have thoughts like “I just need to finish
this one thing first” or “Just 5 more minutes . . . ” and end up delaying
departure until you’ve made yourself late and stressed out. Reread the
scenarios on page 36 and see if you can identify the red flag thoughts
in them.
Can you identify any personal red flag thoughts from the Choice
Point Analysis you completed above? If so, write them here:

How can you become more aware of these thoughts? You could
create reminders (page 24). For example, one of my former clients
wrote his most tenacious red flag thought on a sticky note and put it in
his workspace—the spot where he experienced that thought most fre-
quently. Or you could add helpful coaching statements to the appoint-
ment reminder that pops up on your phone—maybe something like
“It’s almost time to leave! Be nice to the You of the Future and give her
enough time.” (It’s goofy, but it just might work.)

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 40 Your ADHD Toolbox

Once you’ve gotten some practice with the Choice Point Analysis,
check out the final mega-skill for starting and stopping . . .

Self-­Coaching

If you can start noticing when you’re at a choice point, you can start
to use Self-­Coaching: a key strategy for increasing the chances that
you’ll be able to make better choices—at least some of the time. And
remember—this isn’t about perfection. Even a few more times of mak-
ing a better choice can add up to a huge difference over time. And with
practice you’ll be able to successfully use Self-­Coaching more and more
often.
I’m using coaching as a metaphor here on purpose. I really want
you to think about how you can be your own most effective coach and
self-­motivator. This is your life, and the stakes are high! How do you
want to show up for yourself in these tough choice point moments?
How about:

“You’ve already messed up bad, so why should you even bother?”

“It’s never going to work anyway—this is how you are.”
“It’s no big deal. You don’t really need to use any of these tools. It’s
all gonna work out in the end.”
“You’ll definitely feel like tackling that hard thing tomorrow. Just
take a break!”

What do you think? Do these seem like the kinds of things an

effective coach would say to their players? Would you feel good about
a coach who said these things to your child or someone else you care
about?
Yet this is how we talk to ourselves in tough choice point moments!
There must be a better way . . .
In my experience, better coaching is a matter of being strategic
and supportive:

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 Tools for Starting, Stopping, and Finishing 41

• Strategic coaching actually tells you what you can do to

improve. It’s not just a generic “Do it!”
• Supportive coaching expresses a belief in your capability to
improve. It’s positive, but not overly so.

To fully use Self-­Coaching, follow these three steps:

1. Notice that you’re at a choice point. Nicely done—this is the

hardest part. It’s okay to think these thoughts and feel these feelings
right now.
2. Choose your goal and a tool. Decide what you really want for
yourself in the long term. Pick a tool that you can use right now to push
you in that valued direction. Write it down to make it more real.
If you’re about to avoid a task, you could:
{ Break off a chunk
{ Use a timer
{ Start a Pomodoro
{ Promise yourself a reward
{ Ask an Accountability Partner for moral support
3. Coach yourself. Say something to yourself that’s strategic and
supportive. Say it out loud if necessary!

Here’s an example that I experience a lot. The task that I avoid the
most is grading—­particularly grading lengthy writing assignments. I
have to pull out every tool in my Toolbox for this task, and even then
I end up procrastinating on it more than I’d like.
On page 42 is what successful Self-­Coaching for grading my first-
year students’ papers might look like.
Prepare for using Self-­Coaching by filling in the chart on page 43
using your own example of a choice point that comes up a lot for you.
It could be for a task you’re avoiding or any other moment of emotional
struggle.
You can find an additional blank version of the Self-­Coaching
steps worksheet at [Link]/knouse-­materials.

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 42 Your ADHD Toolbox

SELF-­C OACHING EXAMPLE

Self-­Coaching step
Every part of me wants to stop grading papers and
1. Notice that you’re
do something else. I’m tired. I have 10 more papers to
at a choice point
grade, and it’s taking forever. It’s not fair that I have
and accept your
to do this on a sunny day when everyone else is outside
thoughts and
having fun. The students probably won’t read my
feelings.
feedback anyway. :(
I really do want to make progress here. Okay, I’m going
to get myself a fresh cup of coffee and put on the
2. Choose a goal LoFi Beats playlist on Spotify (temptation bundling),
and tools. then set a timer and commit to 4 Pomodoros of
grading (Pomodoro Technique). After that, I’ll go work
in the yard (self-­reward).
You can commit to 2 more hours, and then you’ll be
able to enjoy working in the yard more. Even if you
3. Coach yourself. don’t finish all 10 papers, it’ll still be a lot less to do
tomorrow. You really do care about your students. You
can do this.

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 SELF- ­C OACHING
Self-­Coaching step

1. Notice that you’re

at a choice point
and accept your
thoughts and
feelings.

2. Choose a goal
and tools.

3. Coach yourself.

From Living Well with Adult ADHD by Laura E. Knouse and Russell A. Barkley. Copyright © 2026
The Guilford Press. Permission to photocopy this material, or to download enlarged printable ver-
sions ([Link]/knouse-­materials), is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use; see
copyright page for details.

43

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 3
tools for emotions
and relationships

Although it’s not part of the official diagnosis, most adults with
ADHD experience difficulties related to their experiences with strong
emotions—­especially negative emotions. Although this book is not
designed to help people who are experiencing full-blown emotional
disorders like anxiety disorders or depression, I wanted to include strat-
egies that can help loosen the hold emotions can have over your actions.
Many adults with ADHD also experience problems and strains in
their interpersonal relationships related to their symptoms, including
intimate relationships, family relationships, friendships, and parenting.
So I’ve also included some basic strategies for getting along with other
people—even though this book isn’t designed to cover everything
about that topic.

Moments of Mindfulness

You might associate the word mindfulness with meditation, silent

retreats, or Buddhist monks. None of those associations is necessarily
wrong, but they miss the core of what mindfulness is.

44

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 Tools for Emotions and Relationships 45

Mindfulness is paying attention to one thing,

on purpose, without judgment.

In our busy, tech-­fi lled world, there are very few moments when
we’re paying attention to any one thing and not evaluating whether
that thing is good or bad, interesting or uninteresting, useful or useless.
But research shows that finding islands of intentional focus can ben-
efit well-being and stress reduction. There are even a few studies that
used a structured mindfulness program with trained therapists to help
adults with ADHD reduce their symptoms in daily life—­however, we
don’t yet know if practicing mindfulness on your own impacts ADHD
symptoms directly. What we do know is that mindfulness has plenty of
other potential benefits that make it worth a try.
If you want to try out mindfulness meditation—a traditional form
of mindfulness practice—plenty of free resources can help. In partic-
ular, I recommend the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, the first person to
scientifically study the benefits of mindfulness as it relates to health.
Traditional mindfulness meditation exercises involve paying attention
to one thing, such as your breath, and repeatedly and gently directing
your attention back to it when you become distracted. The app store
is a good place to start if you’re interested in dipping your toe into the
mindfulness meditation waters.
But if the thought of sitting quietly and focusing on your breathing
sounds like torture—which it might, especially if you have ADHD—
there are many other ways to incorporate mindfulness into your daily
life. Here my advice is similar to my advice for exercise (page 187): The
best form of mindfulness practice is the practice that you will actually
do.
Let’s focus on that definition of mindfulness to generate some
ideas.
Mindfulness is:

• Paying attention to one thing

• On purpose
• Without judgment

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 46 Your ADHD Toolbox

Think about all the moments in your day when you are doing two
or more things at once, then consider subtracting until you’re down to
one thing and practicing mindfulness with that activity. For example,
you can:

• Go for a walk or run and spend 10 minutes of it focusing on your

breathing (no music!)
• Do a household chore and spend 10 minutes of it focusing on
your physical movements (no podcasts!)
• Eat your lunch while really focusing on the sensory experience
of eating (no TV!)
• Have a conversation with your partner while focusing on the
details of their face (no phone scrolling!)
• Sit outside for 5 minutes focusing on the sounds of the birds and
wind in the trees

These bite-sized Moments of Mindfulness just might help focus

your mind, help you detach from strong emotions, and pave the way
for a deeper mindfulness practice. Regardless, those moments will be
richer and maybe more enjoyable.

Emotional Antidotes

Strong emotions can push and pull your behavior around in ways that
you might later regret. But emotions are also flexible—they respond
to new experiences, moment to moment. So there are strategies you
can use to change strong emotions like anger, frustration, impatience,
fear, and sadness—or at least turn down the volume on these feelings so
that it’s easier to choose what you actually want to do. Important: The
idea here isn’t to push away, deny, or suppress your emotions or—even
worse—to pretend that you feel a particular way. Rather, Emotional
Antidotes are things you can do in the moment to change the intensity
of your emotions, so you’re freer to act in ways that are in line with
your values and goals.

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 Tools for Emotions and Relationships 47

Ideas for Emotional Antidotes include:

• Any of the mindfulness ideas listed in the previous section.

• A video clip that cues an emotion opposite to the strong emo-
tion—for example, a 1-minute clip of a routine from your favor-
ite stand-up comedian or a ridiculous yet hilarious short clip
from a favorite movie.*
• A song that cues a different emotion from the one you’re expe-
riencing. For example, if you’re feeling anxious and full of self-
doubt, maybe “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor is your jam. Or
if you’re frustrated and angry, a spin of “Surfin’ Bird” by the
Trashmen might make you crack a smile.
• When in doubt: Dance it out.

List out any Emotional Antidotes you can think of below, and then
maybe make a playlist:

Speed Bumps

By Speed Bumps, I mean purposefully placing barriers between you and

the ability to do things in an emotional state that you’ll later regret. I’m
not talking about just negative emotions here because positive emo-
tions can also be associated with acting impulsively and doing things
that aren’t in your longer-term best interest.
Speed Bumps are an example of the idea of hacking the envi-
ronment introduced in Chapter 2. With Speed Bumps, the idea is to
hack your environment in advance so that you put space, time, or steps

* My picks: The “I’m in a glass case of emotion!” scene from Anchorman. Or pretty much
anything from Anchorman.

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 48 Your ADHD Toolbox

between you and a certain action. For example, if you know you can-
not be trusted around Cheetos (me!), a very effective Speed Bump
would be to avoid keeping Cheetos around the house or to buy them
only in tiny bags instead of party size. The table below contains some
examples of actions and possible Speed Bumps for them. You can prob-
ably think of better ones!

Clear Requests

Being effective in relationships requires you to clearly communicate

your wants and needs to others. Asking effectively for what you want
will help others understand your reasoning and will increase the likeli-
hood that you will get what you need or want. Communicating effec-
tively can boost your confidence in relationships too.

Speed Bumps
Possibly regrettable action Speed bump idea

Buying stuff online you Delete your credit card information from
don’t need autofill; delete your Amazon account; keep
your credit card in a safe; change your
Amazon password to “doIreallyneedthis”;
get rid of credit cards and use debit cards or a
charge card like Fizz.
Sending angry emails to Create a dummy email account where
people you send angry emails first. If you think
something is even mildly questionable (you
may underestimate this when angry), send
it to yourself first and wait a couple of hours
before deciding to forward it on.
Drinking too much Alternate alcoholic beverages with
nonalcoholic ones and entrust a supportive
friend to dole out your drinks; put a sticky
note with the word No on your liquor, wine,
or beer cabinet/fridge.

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 Tools for Emotions and Relationships 49

You can use this simple request formula when asking people
for things in person or in writing, such as via email. This strategy is
adapted from the work of Dr. Marsha Linehan and is a part of her dia-
lectical behavior therapy program, which incorporates a broad range
of cognitive-­behavioral skills like the ones in this book. Just remember
the acronym DEAR:* Describe, Express, Ask, and Reward.

• Describe the current situation in a clear and objective manner

(no opinions; just the facts).
• Express your thoughts, feelings, or perspective on the situation.
• Ask for what you want specifically and clearly.
• Reward your listener. Thank them for considering your request
and, if applicable, state what’s in it for them.

Check out the two examples on the next page.

In my experience as the recipient of many requests from my uni-
versity students, the most important part of DEAR is the clear and spe-
cific Ask. If there is no Ask, as the recipient of the request, I can feel like
the requester is just sort of dumping a problem in my lap that I need
to solve for them. A clear Ask gives a person something to respond to.
Even if they don’t agree, it is a starting point for negotiation.
Your turn: Decide on something you would like to ask for from a
person in your life and write out your DEAR.

Describe:

Express:

Ask:

Reward:

* DEAR is a nice moniker for this strategy because it reminds me of the opening to a letter
or email: Dear So-and-So.

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 50 Your ADHD Toolbox

Examples of Using DEAR

Writing an email to your Asking your partner for
supervisor to request a more support with child
schedule change: “Dear Mr. care tasks: “Hey [term of
or Ms. Boss . . . ” endearment] . . . ”

D—Describe Currently the days that Things have gotten busier

I work until 6:00 P.M. for me at work this last
are Monday/Wednesday. quarter, and I haven’t had
Recently my partner has time to work out in the
needed to schedule regular evenings like I used to.
health care appointments at But I can’t work out in the
4:00 P.M. every other week, morning because I’ve got to
and I need to accompany get [kid] ready for the bus
them. by 8:00 A.M.
E—Express I’m concerned that these As you know, if I can’t work
changes might interfere out regularly, I get a little
with my scheduled work crazy!
hours, and I want to prevent
that.
A—Ask I would like to request to Could we choose three days
switch the days I work until during the week that you
6:00 P.M. from Monday/ will take over getting [kid]
Wednesday to Tuesday/ on the bus so that I can
Thursday. work out?
R—Reward I realize this change might I want to make sure you’re
not happen immediately due getting your workout time
to having to adjust others’ in too because I know it’s
schedules, and I appreciate important to you, so let’s
your considering my also discuss that. Love you!
request. Thank you!

Effective Apologies

When we have broken someone’s trust or when our actions have harmed
someone, apology can be an important step toward repair. Fortunately,
the field of psychology is beginning to identify what makes for an
Effective Apology. Psychologist Roy Lewicki and his colleagues looked
at prior research and identified six possibly important components of an
apology and tested them in a series of studies. These components were:

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 Tools for Emotions and Relationships 51

1. Express regret: Say how sorry you are for the offense
2. Explain reasons: Describe the reasons for the offense* nonde-
fensively
3. Acknowledge responsibility: Demonstrate that you under-
stand your part in the offense and its impact
4. Declare repentance: Express a commitment to not repeat the
offense
5. Offer repair: Describe how you will fix the problem and
rebuild trust
6. Request forgiveness: Ask the person you wronged to forgive
you

Lewicki and colleagues discovered in their research that apologies

containing more of these components were more effective than those
containing fewer components. However, three components (in bold-
face, above) were especially important: explanation of reasons for the
offense, acknowledgment of responsibility, and offer of repair. This
means that, in general:

Here’s how this happened, but I’m responsible and I know it hurt you.
Here’s what I’ll do to fix it.

. . . will be more effective than:

I’m so sorry I did that. I promise never to do it again. Please forgive me.

The first apology seems more tailored to the person and situation
in question, which may help it feel more sincere to the listener. And I
can’t help noticing that this “better” apology option shares some fea-
tures with the kind of Self-­Coaching recommended on page 40. Spe-
cifically, the offer of repair is focused on strategies designed to move
the situation forward.

* We don’t recommend that you use “my ADHD” as one of the reasons for your error. A
more specific explanation of what went wrong can lead to better offers of repair (solutions)
and possibly more understanding on the part of your listener. It also shows you have really
thought about what went wrong.

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 52 Your ADHD Toolbox

Use the chart on the facing page to practice constructing an apol-

ogy that contains the most important components for a current situa-
tion or one you’ve experienced in the past.
Of course the ultimate effective trust rebuilder is to actually carry
out the repair you have offered. You can use the other tools in this Toolbox
to help you with follow-­through.

Support Communities

Support from other people is one of the most powerful psychological

forces we know of. People who have gone through what you’re going
through can provide encouragement and empathy, but they can also
share practical tips for living well with ADHD from their own experi-
ences.
CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-­Deficit/Hyper­
activity Disorder) is a U.S. national advocacy organization for people
and families living with ADHD. CHADD organizes a network of
affiliate Support Communities across the United States. To see if there
is a community in your area, visit [Link] The
Attention Deficit Disorder Association, which focuses on adults, offers
virtual support groups and work groups for people with the disorder at
[Link]
Your Support Communities need not be ADHD-exclusive. Think
about all the groups and communities you’re a part of and whether they
can provide support for your efforts to cope with ADHD. If you’re not
sure how to ask for help, refer to the Clear Requests tool earlier in this
chapter.

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 CONSTRUCTING AN APOLOGY
Example:
Your example:
Missing a meeting

I’m so sorry that I missed our

Express regret
meeting yesterday.

My prior meeting ran

Explain what overtime, and I got in my car to
happened go home without even looking
at my calendar.

This was clearly my fault, and I

Acknowledge
know it wasn’t respectful of the
responsibility
time you had set aside for us
and harm
to meet.

If you’re willing, I’d like to

reschedule at a time that’s
Offer repair convenient for you, and this
time I will set three reminders
in my Google calendar!

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Knouse_LivingWellwithAdultADHD.indd 54 7/22/2025 [Link] AM
 PART TWO
menu of moves
for living well

This part of the book is a true choose your own adventure of living
better with ADHD. Each chapter addresses a specific challenge you
might be struggling with and directs you to possible skills and solu-
tions, including tools from the Toolbox. Most chapters in the Menu
begin with questions you’ll answer to zero in on your specific needs
and get information tailored to your situation. How do you decide
which chapter to start with? You might choose an area that causes
the most problems for you. Alternatively, you could choose an area
that’s less challenging for you but one that you think will be easier to
tackle. (An early “win” can be a good thing.) No matter what, take
things one step at a time and pace yourself. You’ll probably have to
try out different solutions and tweak them to fit your life. This is all
part of the process.

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Knouse_LivingWellwithAdultADHD.indd 56 7/22/2025 [Link] AM
 4
show up on time

“As a person with ADHD, I have an insanely different relationship

with time than others.”

Dr. Barkley coined the term time blindness for the struggles people with
ADHD experience perceiving and managing time. Those struggles
may have shown up for you in terms of getting yourself where you
need to be when you need to be there. For many adults with ADHD,
showing up late can be a chronic problem that becomes a source of
stress and conflict in relationships. Although people and cultures have
different ideas about what counts as “on time” and it’s not helpful to get
too judgmental about this issue, if you’ve decided to read this chapter,
it probably means that being late is something that’s causing problems
for you and that it’s something you’d like to improve.
Maybe you feel like you’re stressed out by consistently running
behind with no time to prepare, to breathe. Or maybe you feel like
you’re letting others down or being judged negatively for showing
up late. And perhaps you’ve even missed out on some opportunities
because of chronic lateness. Whatever the case, it can be really stress-
ful to feel like you’re always “the late person,” and it can also feel like
something that you can’t possibly change. But showing up somewhere
at a specific time is, like any behavior, something you can change with
the right strategies and by practicing those strategies until they become
a habit—even if you have ADHD. To identify which strategies might

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 58 Menu of Moves for Living Well

be the most helpful for you, begin by completing the self-­assessment

below.
At the same time, changing long-­standing behaviors can be hard,
and sometimes you need support. As always, if the ideas in this chapter
seem like they could be helpful but you just can’t seem to implement
them consistently on your own, you might benefit from working with
a cognitive-­behavioral therapist who can support your efforts.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement below and on the next page and choose the
best answer for you by putting a checkmark () in the box. Use your
answers to choose which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I realize only at the last
minute (if at all) that I’m A
supposed to be somewhere (page 59)
else.
I get really absorbed in
doing something and then B
end up leaving late for (page 59)
appointments.
I don’t allow enough time
C
to get ready to leave and/
(page 60)
or to get where I’m going.

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 Show Up On Time 59

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
The thought of showing
up too early for
D
something makes me feel
(page 61)
uncomfortable or like I’d
be wasting time.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, I’m E
going to be late from time (page 62)
to time.

L A: I realize only at the last minute (if at all) that I’m supposed to
be somewhere else.

Without knowing where you’re supposed to be, it’ll be impossible to be

on time throughout your day. If this describes you:

‰ Develop and consistently use a Calendar System (page 16).

You can use this to keep track of appointments and keep yourself
on track in the process. If you choose an electronic calendar, you can
add reminders and locations to each appointment. Honestly, now that
I’m in my 40s, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing an hour
from now without looking at my Google calendar.

L B: I get really absorbed in doing something and then end up

leaving late.

Like many adults with ADHD, you may experience that state of
“hyperfocus” where you’re so absorbed in a task that you don’t realize
time is flying by. Or perhaps you’re working on something and do real-
ize you need to leave soon but think to yourself, “I can just finish this
one thing before I leave . . . ,” and then you’ve given yourself 5 minutes
to make a 15-minute trip. If so, you can try these ideas:

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 60 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Wear a watch and put more clocks around your house in strate-
gic locations (page 22).
‰ Set a timer with an alarm before starting on a hyperfocus-prone
task (page 23).
‰ Add reminders to the appointments on your calendar that
“ping” 60 minutes before the appointment, 30 before, and so
on (page 23).
‰ Use a Choice Point Analysis (page 36) to notice the thoughts
you’re having that are giving you permission to keep doing
what you’re doing (and delay leaving), then use Self-­Coaching
(page 40).
‰ See Chapter 11 for additional ideas for managing hyperfocus
states.

L C: I don’t allow enough time to get ready to leave and/or to get

where I’m going.

ADHD can affect your perception of time—how quickly it passes and

how much you’ll need to accomplish tasks. You might be late some-
times because you don’t allow enough preparation, transition, or travel
time before an appointment or event. To address this problem, you
could certainly:

‰ Add reminders to the appointments on your calendar that

“ping” 60 minutes before the appointment, 30 before, and so
on (page 23).

But I’m also going to suggest that you go one better and actually:

‰ Block out what you think will be an overestimate of required

transition time by adding “Transition Time” as an event in
your calendar.

In other words, you’re going to make that transition time a place-­

holding reality in your Calendar System so that you give it the time

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 Show Up On Time 61

it deserves. And you’re going to purposefully overestimate that time

so you can correct for any difficulties with time perception. (Don’t
worry—over time, if you engage in this practice, you’ll probably get a
more accurate sense of how much time is actually needed.)
I started using this strategy after years of forcing myself to rush to
(and be sweaty at) my first appointment of the day on mornings when
I teach fitness classes ( Jazzercise, to be specific). Despite teaching the
same schedule week after week, I had the time block for my class ending
at the time the class ended, and then I had to rely on my own (limited)
memory and awareness to allow time to drive home, shower (when I
remembered to leave enough time for it), and travel to work before the
next scheduled event. Nowadays the event “Teach Jazzercise” is always
followed in my calendar by an event 1 hour and 15 minutes long labeled
“Travel/Shower/Travel.” A simple fix that has greatly improved my
quality of life—not to mention my personal hygiene.
Take a look at your calendar. Can you identify spots where a
“Transition Time” event is needed to set yourself up for success? If
so, add an event and make sure to overestimate how much time you’ll
need.

L D: The thought of showing up too early for something makes me

feel uncomfortable or like I’d be wasting time.

For some people with ADHD, the idea of having to wait for something
can feel excruciating and bring up anxiety or just generally icky feel-
ings. If this is true for you, it might be contributing to your problems
with lateness because your efforts to avoid having to wait and “waste
time” actually end up making you late. If you suspect this might apply
to you, you can try to:

‰ Identify things you can do with extra time while waiting (so
you won’t feel like you’re “wasting” it).

In her work, psychologist and ADHD expert Dr. Mary Solanto

refers to such chunks of open, unoccupied time as “time cracks” and
suggests that clients can think ahead and make a list of things that can

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 62 Menu of Moves for Living Well

be done in these small, sometimes unexpected little time-gifts. Also,

the ubiquity of smartphones can certainly make it easier to access time
crack activity options. Adapting this idea, you could use a time crack to:

• Check and answer emails

• Read a book or listen to a podcast or audiobook
• Do a mindfulness or relaxation exercise
• Curate your task list or preview what’s next on your calendar
• Call or text with a family member or friend you’ve been want-
ing to connect with

Try making a list of your own possible time crack activities below:

Once you’ve got some ideas for how you could spend any wait
time that occurs, you can:

‰ Use a Choice Point Analysis (page 36) to notice thoughts and

feelings that come up when you think about being early and
having to wait and then use Self-­Coaching (page 40).

For example, if you experience the thought “Ugh, I don’t want

to get there early—what a waste of time!” you could respond with a
thought like “You know what? I’m going to leave now, so I don’t have
to rush and get all stressed out. And if I do get there early, I can [fill in
time crack activity here] while I’m waiting.”

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going to

be late from time to time.

Sometimes you’ll be late. It’s a fact of life. Regardless of whether you

have ADHD, and even if you’ve planned ahead and used all of these

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 Show Up On Time 63

strategies meticulously (or at least given them a try), there are going to
be times when you’re running behind. ( Just ask my hairstylist. Or my
students.) What can you do? I recommend the following:

• Stop to take a deep breath. This is not the end of the world. You
are not a bad person.
• Communicate with any relevant people that you will be late and
when you think you’ll arrive.
As soon as you know you will likely be late, text or call the
person you will be meeting or the office and let them know
when you think you will arrive. (Note: Do not do this while
driving!) Be prepared to hear that you might need to resched-
ule. That’s okay! It’s better to know this now and for the person
who’s expecting you to know the situation.
• Express gratitude when you arrive.
Acknowledge the person who has waited or made accommo-
dations for you by saying something like “Thank you so much
for waiting” or “Thank you for your flexibility and grace!” It’s
also okay to apologize for being late; however, expressing grati-
tude as well can engender positive feelings.

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 5
remember
and remember
to do things

“My thoughts are like billiard balls. If a new one comes in, it knocks
the previous one out of the way. Writing things on the back of my
hand will bring it back to mind at least for a couple of hours. Also,
I find a pocket-sized diary is helpful to remind myself of what
tasks I need to prioritize for that week, so I keep a pen in my right
pants pocket and a pocket diary in my left. These are my constant
companions.”

Forgetting can show up for people with ADHD in a few different ways.
You may forget to do things when you need to do them—­something
psychologists call a prospective memory failure. You might forget that cer-
tain events are happening and so miss the opportunity to prepare for
them. Or you might have trouble holding in mind information that
you need to complete a task. (What did I walk into this room for?) If
keeping information in mind to guide your behavior is a struggle for
you, this chapter covers some strategies that might help.

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 Remember and Remember to Do Things 65

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement below and choose the best answer for you by put-
ting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose which
sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional

ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review

I forget to do daily tasks

A
like take my medicine or
(page 66)
pack my lunch.
It seems like I’m
constantly surprised by
B
events I forgot were
(page 67)
happening (for example,
appointments).
I have trouble
remembering key pieces
C
of information, like
(page 68)
dates, ID numbers, and
passwords.
I forget what I want
D
to say in important
(page 68)
conversations.
I’m a human being, which
E
means no matter what,
(page 69)
I’m going to forget things.

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 66 Menu of Moves for Living Well

L A: I forget to do daily tasks like take my medicine or pack

my lunch.

‰ Schedule the task daily in your calendar and set an alarm for it.

This is a version of the idea of Strategic Task Scheduling (page 31).

The scheduling will help to ensure you’ve slotted the task into your
day, and then the alarm will cue you to do it.

‰ Use reminders in your environment (page 23).

Use a sticky note or notecard to make a colorful, attractive reminder

sign for the task you need to accomplish and put it somewhere that
you’ll see it at the time you need to do the task. For example: “Take
your meds and have a great day!” on your bathroom mirror or “Did
you pack your lunch yet?” on your bedside lamp (if you want to pack
lunch the night before).

‰ Set up prompts in your environment (page 23).

In the Toolbox, we defined prompts as objects in the physical

environment that cue your behavior. The idea is to lay out your envi-
ronment in a way that nudges the action you want. For example, you
could try putting your medication bottle right next to the handle of
the faucet or—better yet—next to the toilet paper roll so that you’ll see
it when you engage with those parts of the environment. (Of course,
wash your hands before taking your meds. ) You could use an “S”
hook to hang your lunch bag to the handle of the refrigerator so that it’s
right there when it’s time to pack your lunch. Get creative!

‰ Pair the frequently forgotten behavior with a more consistent

one.

The technical term for this strategy is yoking. First think of some-
thing you almost always do at the time and in the place where you
want the oft-­forgotten behavior to occur. Next think of a way that
you can use that consistent behavior to prompt the inconsistent one.

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 Remember and Remember to Do Things 67

For example, if you’re great at consistently brushing your teeth each

morning but forgetful about your meds, you can try duct-­taping your
med bottle to the handle of your toothbrush or to your toothpaste tube.
If you’re great about remembering to feed your dog in the evening—­
because he will remind you—you can put a reminder note on the dog
food bag to cue your lunch making. Maybe something like “You’ve fed
Fido. But have you fed the You of Tomorrow?”

L B: It seems like I’m constantly surprised by events I forgot were

happening (for example, appointments).

‰ Commit or recommit to the Calendar System (page 16).

I sound like a broken record, but these tools are absolutely foun-
dational to being able to manage your ADHD. Without them, it will
be hard to layer on other strategies. People sometimes get tripped up
because they start to think things like “Well, I don’t need to put every-
thing in my calendar; I’ll probably remember this one,” which can lead to
backsliding on entering appointments, missing things, and then giving
up on the calendar altogether. If thoughts like this are getting in the way
of committing to the calendar habit, check out the Choice Point Analysis
(page 36) and effective Self-­Coaching (page 40) in Chapter 2.

‰ Add in-­advance alarms to unusual or especially important cal-

endar events.

Set up pings 24 hours in advance and a few hours in advance for

any appointments or other crucial calendar events.

‰ Post a Household Events Calendar to keep everyone on the

same page.

Hang up a weekly or monthly wipe-off calendar where you can

visually display upcoming events. I recommend one that’s also mag-
netic, so you can stick needed documents to it and use magnetic hooks
or clips to suspend needed objects from. At the start of each week or

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 68 Menu of Moves for Living Well

month, sit down with those in your household (or just yourself!) and
write out all the important events for that time period.

L C: I have trouble remembering key pieces of information, like

dates, ID numbers, and passwords.

‰ Designate a specific spot in your planner or on your task list

where you write down key pieces of oft-­forgotten information.

This is a no sticky note situation! You want to be able to find the

information later, so be strategic about where you’ll write it. For exam-
ple, I have a stack of cards on my Trello board (see page 19) labeled
“Useful Links and Notes” that contains information like passwords,
any instructions I’ve had to look up repeatedly, or other information
that I just can’t seem to hold in my brain.

‰ Use your phone to take pictures of information you need to

remember.

Make sure your photos back up to the cloud, then create a photo
album where you’ll keep all these info-­ pictures—things like your
license plate, a photo of a list of family birthdays or anniversaries, or
a password list. I have an album on my Google Photos called “Laura’s
Memory” where I keep photos of information like this. The photo
strategy could also work for learning people’s names. Last semester I
took a photo of each student holding up a card with their name on the
first day of class and then used the photos to quiz myself to learn their
names more quickly. Might be worth a shot if you are a person who
struggles to learn names!

L D: I forget what I want to say in important conversations.

It can be a painful experience to really want to express yourself and

then lose your train of thought. This happens to most people from time
to time, but it might be more difficult for you as a person with ADHD.
Here are some strategies for saying what you need to say.

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 Remember and Remember to Do Things 69

‰ Write or speak it out beforehand.

If you know that you will need to speak in class, at a meeting, or

in an important conversation with a friend or loved one, it’s a good idea
to sort out your thoughts in advance. You can jot down a few notes or
use a voice memo app on your phone to get your thoughts out into the
world ahead of time.

‰ Use your notes.

It’s totally okay to use notes to help prompt you during a conver-
sation. Just explain that you really want to make sure you can express
yourself, so you wrote down a few things you want to be sure to say.

‰ Rehearse it.

It might seem goofy to sit alone and talk to yourself, but if you
can practice what you want to say a few times, you’ll be more likely to
remember it when you need to.

‰ Take a moment.

If you lose your train of thought, that’s okay! Most people listen-
ing to you want you to do well and want to understand you, so don’t
assume anyone is judging you for needing a moment. Just say, “I’m
sorry, there’s something I wanted to say, and I can’t quite pull it up.
I’m going to take a moment and see if it comes to me.” If after taking a
moment you can’t recall what you wanted to say, simply thank them for
waiting and move on to the next point, letting them know that you’ll
check back with them when you remember your forgotten point.

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going to

forget things.

It’s true, and yet it can be hard not to be pessimistic or hard on your-
self when you forget something really important. When you discover

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 70 Menu of Moves for Living Well

you’ve forgotten something that has an impact on others, don’t avoid

communicating with them about it. Apologize sincerely (Effective
Apologies, page 50) and try to make things right. Embrace the idea
that you did the best that you could with what you had at the time,
then engage with Self-­Coaching (page 40) to identify solutions for the
future and to encourage yourself toward them.

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 6
keep track
of your stuff

“I used to be terrible at losing stuff. Now when I leave home, I

check my pocket for my phone, before I step out and again after
I step out the door. This has become second nature after so much
practice, and I very rarely forget it anymore.”

Keeping track of stuff and having the right stuff when you need it is
often a struggle for adults with ADHD. “Stuff” includes digital docu-
ments and pieces of information that you need to track and organize as
well. If you struggle with finding things when you need them or hav-
ing what you need when you need it, you’ve come to the right place.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the next page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

71

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 72 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review

I leave items somewhere

A
in the house and then can’t
(page 72)
find them.
I leave items somewhere
B
out in the world and can’t
(page 75)
find them.
I leave the house without C
necessary items. (page 76)
I lose important papers or D
pieces of mail. (page 77)
I have trouble finding
E
important files on my
(page 78)
computer.
I’m a human, which means
F
no matter what, I’m going
(page 79)
to lose things sometimes.

L A: I leave items somewhere in the house and then can’t find them.

If you spend way too much time wandering around the house look-
ing for your phone (guilty!), wallet, laptop, gym bag, or other crucial
items, here are some strategies to try.

‰ Use Home Bases.

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 Keep Track of Your Stuff 73

Put a basket, bin, or set of hooks just inside your front door and
dump your keys, wallet, or phone there as soon as you come through
the door. Put a dish or shot glass next to the sink and put your rings
there when you take them off to wash the dishes. Create similar spots
in your work office, if you have one, or designate a spot in your bag
or backpack where your keys, phone, or other object will “live.” Of
course, you’ll need to get in the habit of consistently putting that object
in that specific spot, but over time this will become an automatic
behavior, and you’ll know where to look—or at least look first—when
trying to locate important objects.

‰ Learn to use “find my device” features.

Apple’s Find My network and Google’s Find My Device networks

can be a godsend if you’re a chronic phone loser. (Not that you’re a loser
. . . you know what I mean!) You can use any device attached to your
account to locate other devices on that account.

‰ Attach electronic tags to important nonelectronic objects.

AirTag (for Apple users), MotoTag (for Android), and lots of other
brands of Bluetooth-­enabled tags offer a handy system to locate lost
nonelectronic objects like your gym bag, backpack, purse, keys, or
wallet—­including when you misplace things inside your house. My
husband—in a not-so-­subtle bid to get me to stop running frantically
around the house looking for my Jazzercise bag—gifted me a set of Tile
trackers and, as a Google person, I’m excited to try MotoTags, which
integrate with Google’s Find My Device network.

‰ Keep a list of the places you find your missing items.

Get a sticky note and write down the places you’ve found your
missing items in the past and put that on your bathroom mirror or
someplace similar. Remember that time your phone fell between the
mattress and the bed frame? It might happen again. Did you leave the
phone on a little shelf in the bathroom because you were listening to

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 74 Menu of Moves for Living Well

podcasts in the shower and then left it there? That’s probably going to
happen again. If you can give the You of the Future clues on where
to look next time, you might reduce the time and frustration of the
search.*

‰ Use what makes the missing object stand out from the environ-
ment to guide your search.

My colleague at the University of Richmond, Dr. Arryn Robbins,

is an expert in the psychology of searching the visual environment
and has shared some great ideas here (thanks, Dr. Robbins!). Based on
her advice, before you start searching for an object, think about what
makes it stand out from its environment in terms of size, color, texture,
or other features. For example, if you’re looking for a piece of jewelry
on a carpeted floor, the shininess of the jewelry is something you can
focus on as you scan the floor to make the object pop out of its envi-
ronment.

‰ Act out the movements that probably took place when you lost
the item.

What I mean here is to retrace your steps and retrace the actions
that you might have taken when the item was lost. For example, if
you can’t find your phone but you know you had it when you pulled
into your driveway, go back to the car, sit in it, and act out all the
motions you would have gone through from that point forward. Put-
ting yourself physically back in the environment and retracing your
actions might help you identify possible spots where the item could be.

‰ Do a grid search.

If you are really in a missing item pickle, Dr. Robbins recom-

mends mentally dividing the search space into a grid and systematically
searching from the top row, sweeping downward. That way you will
be sure you’ve looked everywhere, even in a messy environment. Be

* Also, check your car.

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 Keep Track of Your Stuff 75

sure to take a deep breath first so that anxiety doesn’t cause you to skip
over anything!

L B: I leave items somewhere out in the world and can’t find them.

Ugh! That time when your around-the-house search for an object

leaves you with the sinking feeling that your item may be somewhere
out in the world. Here are some strategies to prevent this from happen-
ing or help you locate items when it does.

‰ Use “find my device” features and electronic tags.

See the description in Section A (page 73). These electronic aids

can help you locate important objects where you left them.

‰ Develop a checking routine for important items.

This idea came from one of my former clients. He cultivated the

habit of running his hands over his front pants pockets every time
he stood up so that he could verify that his phone or wallet was “on
him.” The same could be done if you designate a Home Base (page 72)
for key items in your purse or backpack. If you practice this physical
motion that allows you to check for an item, it will eventually become
unconscious and automatic.

‰ Buy only inexpensive versions of items you might lose.

Try to follow this rule: Don’t take items out of the house that you can’t
afford to lose. Think $5 sunglasses and $10 umbrellas. And—for crying
out loud!—skip the AirPods and buy vastly cheaper versions that won’t
set you back hundreds of dollars if you lose them. (I don’t have ADHD,
and I’m 100% certain that I cannot be trusted with AirPods.) Consider
getting cubic zirconia versions of your precious gemstone jewelry for
everyday wear. You can keep the genuine articles in a safe place, and
you’ll have gained some additional peace of mind.

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 76 Menu of Moves for Living Well

L C: I leave the house without necessary items.

Here are some strategies if you keep forgetting to take what you need
along with you.

‰ Use a Home Base (page 72) in your home or at your office.

‰ Add the needed item to the title of the appointment in your
calendar.

For example: “Bring gift: Lunch with Angie” can help you remem-
ber to grab that random gift you bought for Angie before you leave the
house instead of just relying on yourself to remember. Better yet, add
an alarm to this calendar event for 10 minutes before you’re supposed
to leave the house, and it becomes a reminder message that will literally
pop up in front of your face.

‰ Use a Go Bag (or Box).

This is a riff on the idea of the Home Base. Get a cheap reus-
able grocery bag and hang it on the doorknob of the door you always
leave the house from, or, if it’s a box, place it directly in front of
the door so that you have to move the box to open the door. Put
anything in the Go Bag/Box that you need to take with you the next
time you leave the house. Important: Don’t actually take the bag/box with
you, just its contents so that the Go Bag/Box stays by the door to use
next time.

‰ Use a Go List.

Stick a cheap whiteboard at eye level on the inside of the door you
leave by. Write any items or reminders you need before leaving the
house there, right in your face.

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 Keep Track of Your Stuff 77

L D: I lose important papers or pieces of mail.

Where did you put that permission slip for your kid’s field trip? Or that
Bath & Body Works coupon you really wanted to use? While many
documents have moved to digital in the past several years, we’re still
far away from that paperless society I’ve been hearing about since the
1980s. Here are some tips to prevent the losing of papers.

‰ Take pictures of all important documents with your phone

immediately after acquiring them.

Then add the photos to a digital folder or album titled something

like “Important Papers,” so you have those images all in one place.
Even if you can’t fill out the forms electronically, you may be able to
print them out or write and sign a note—in the case of a permission
slip—­covering all the information. If they’re clear enough, photos of
barcodes from coupons will scan just like the real thing.

‰ Have one and only one “dump spot” for all mail and papers you
need to review.

Get a basket or document tray for mail and any documents you
haven’t yet taken a picture of or reviewed. On a regular basis—­schedule
it in your Calendar System (page 16) or use Rewarding Consequences
to motivate yourself (page 29)—go through the things in the tray and
either throw them out, take a picture of them, or do what you need to
do to respond to or process the item.

‰ Stick important papers to your Household Events Calendar

(page 152).

In Chapter 5 (page 67) we suggested using a large magnetic wipe-

off calendar to display important events for the week or month as a
reminder to everyone in the household about what’s coming up. If
you have one of these, you can stick important documents related to

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 78 Menu of Moves for Living Well

calendar events—for example, a permission slip—to the calendar, so

you’ll have them when you need them.

L E: I have trouble finding important files on my computer.

If you find yourself constantly on the hunt for an important PDF, email,
or .doc file you really need, here are some ideas for preventing docu-
ment misplacement or finding documents efficiently.

‰ Don’t dump—create a simple file structure.

Try to avoid just dumping everything on your desktop or down-

loading to your Downloads folder and leaving everything in there.
Create a simple file structure for the categories of documents you use
most frequently. You can add subfolders, but don’t make an overly com-
plicated structure that is too clunky and complicated to use. Instead, let
your needs guide the structure—that is, when you find you need a new
folder or subfolder for an actual document, create it then rather than
trying to make a structure you think will be useful.

‰ Name files so that they’re easily searchable.

The experts refer to this as having naming conventions, and the point
is to create file names that will help you identify and locate files later.
Instead of “receipt17.000236624,” name your files using more specif-
ics such as, “Knouse gas receipt 7.22.24.” In particular, the date can be
very helpful in retracing your digital steps.

‰ Learn the search features for your email, computer, or cloud

storage platform.

These days your computer, email program, and file storing and
sharing platforms like Google Docs or Dropbox probably all have robust
search features. Take time to teach yourself how to use them and you’ll
prevent future frustration. Thinking of likely words in the file title and
limiting the search by dates or file type can help you locate things faster.

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 Keep Track of Your Stuff 79

L F: I’m a human, which means no matter what, I’m going to lose

things sometimes.

If you have ADHD, there are just going to be times when you lose
things. And that can be pretty frustrating. As mentioned earlier, con-
sider reducing the potential impact of misplacing things by buying
inexpensive versions of items you might lose. In other words, don’t take
items out of your house that you can’t afford to lose. Some more ideas
for reducing the impact of losing electronic devices follow.

‰ Set up syncing of your phone contacts, calendar, and task list

information.

That way, if you misplace your phone, you won’t lose access to this
key information.

‰ Set up syncing of files on your device to a cloud storage plat-

form.

This is a best practice for preventing data loss in general, and it can
also save you headaches if you lose your phone or laptop. And finally:

‰ It’s ultimately just stuff. Take it easy on yourself.

Being an adult in the “modern world” involves managing so many

physical objects and pieces of information that it’s no surprise that folks
with (and without) ADHD struggle to manage it all. If you lose some-
thing important, try your best to approach yourself with compassion
and good Self-­Coaching (page 40).

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 7
plan and prioritize

“I prefer to just wing it. I am deciding on the spot what I need to

do next and not worrying about what I need to do three or five
steps out. This works for some things I need to do, but for others
it’s a disaster because events and deadlines are arriving sooner than
I expected, and I haven’t even gotten to step 1, 2, or 3 in trying
to prepare for them. The future slams into me like a rogue wave I
didn’t see coming.”

Getting to a meaningful goal takes multiple small actions spread out

and coordinated across time. If you have problems planning out the
necessary steps toward a big, complicated goal or problems coordinat-
ing your efforts across multiple goals, this is the section for you.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on page the facing page and choose the best answer
for you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to
choose which sections to review.

80

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 Plan and Prioritize 81

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I have trouble recognizing
A
when it’s necessary to plan
(page 81)
out something.
I have trouble making
B
step-by-step plans toward
(page 82)
a big goal.
I have trouble deciding
C
what’s most important and
(page 84)
how to spend my time.
I’m a human, which
means no matter what,
D
I’ll sometimes fail to plan
(page 84)
ahead or spend my time on
less important things.

L A: I have trouble recognizing when it’s necessary to plan out

something.

‰ Set up a Calendar System (page 16).

First, you’ll need to have a Calendar System in operation so that

you can realize when “big things” are coming up.

‰ Use a Task-­Tracking System (page 17).

Next, you’ll need to bring a Task-­Tracking System online so that

you can coordinate your efforts across all the necessary steps.

‰ Ask yourself: Could I get this done in an hour?

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 82 Menu of Moves for Living Well

If the answer is a big no, then it probably means the task will
require breaking down and planning out. Here are some examples of
tasks that will require planning:

• Social events such as parties or other get-­togethers

• Home improvement and gardening projects
• Trips and vacations
• Choosing and enrolling in an educational program
• Finding a job
• Doing your taxes
• Signing your child up for day care, school, or extracurricular
programs
• Work or school projects and papers

If you see any of these things on the horizon, you’ll want to star,
circle, highlight, and underline that task in your list! Then read the
next section.

L B: I have trouble making step-by-step plans toward a big goal.

Okay, you know you need a plan, but you can’t quite get there. Try
these suggestions to get unstuck.

‰ Use Task Chunks (page 28).

No matter what, planning is going to require breaking a big task

into smaller steps. If you haven’t read the section on Task Chunks in
Chapter 2, do that first and come back here.

‰ Read the instructions.

If your plan involves interacting with institutions—like workplaces,

schools, government agencies—first read up on any requirements these
agencies have and what the processes are for you to get what you want
from them. Then you can make sure your plan includes these steps.

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 Plan and Prioritize 83

‰ Make it physical and visual.

You’re probably not going to be able to hold all the information

contained in your grand plan in your head. Create a space to organize
your ideas in a way that you can put them outside your brain and move
them in space. For example, get a big magnetic whiteboard to map out
your ideas and move things around or use sticky notes on a wall so that
you can adjust as you think through your plan. Virtual bulletin boards
like Miro or Google’s Jamboard are also great tools for mapping out
ideas with many moving parts. Just make sure that once you’ve got the
steps of your plan, you put these steps into your Task-­Tracking System.

‰ Storyboard and simulate.

If you think about it, a good plan is sort of like a story that unfolds
toward its conclusion. If you find it hard to plan things in the abstract,
trying making things more real by telling yourself the story of how you
will get from point A to point B. You could even draw pictures, make
diagrams, or close your eyes and imagine events unfolding if that’s
helpful to you.
And just like a good story, executing your plan is going to involve
barriers and challenges for you, the hero. Ask yourself what obstacles
could arise and how you can plan to manage them. For example, imag-
ine a parent wants to achieve the daunting goal of enrolling a child in
day care. The parent could tell the following story to themselves or talk
it out with their partner:

First, I think about what kinds of things I’m looking for in a day care and
write down a list. Then I get curious about what the options are in my
area. Next, I go online and search for locations that are close to my house
or my work. Hmm, that’s going to get complicated fast. Okay, so I’ll make
an online doc where I can record the information about the different day
cares and maybe rate them based on what I’m looking for? Then after that
I should talk to my partner, and we can figure out which one to apply to.
Hmm . . . although my friend told me it’s hard to get a slot sometimes, so
I should probably pick more than one option. Maybe top 3? Okay, then I
see I’ll need to look up how to apply to them . . .

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 84 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Talk it out.

It can be easier to plan if you’re getting out of your head and

discussing it with another person. This might be a great time for an
Accountability Partner (page 33), a counselor, or a coach (see the
Resources). Or you can ask a friend or family member to be your
sounding board as you plan the important steps toward your goal. Then
offer to do the same for them.

L C: I have trouble deciding what’s most important and how to

spend my time.

With multiple competing priorities, it can be hard to decide what to

tackle first. It’s often the most important tasks that trigger the unpleas-
ant emotions, causing us to veer toward easier, safer, less important
tasks. Read or revisit these Toolbox items for help in prioritizing:

‰ Priority Labeling (or Sorting) (page 18)

‰ Choice Point Analysis (page 36) and Self-­Coaching (page 40)

L D: I’m a human, which means no matter what, I’ll sometimes fail to

plan ahead or spend my time on less important things.

You may have found yourself in a spot where, looking back, you
should have planned ahead better or spent your time in a different
way. Maybe someone is frustrated with you or you’re really frustrated
with yourself. Maybe it feels like this has happened so often that things
can never change. These thoughts and feelings are understandable, but
they’re just thoughts and feelings. They don’t determine your future,
and they don’t determine who you are. When you’re ready, take some
time to look back using a Choice Point Analysis (page 36) and see if
you can identify any skills or strategies you could use the next time
to make things better. Then engage with Self-­Coaching (page 40) to
lock it in.

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 8
complete tasks
accurately

“I waste time daydreaming, mind wandering, or just getting dis-

tracted by some ‘shiny thing.’ Then I realize that the project is due
very soon and I haven’t set aside enough time to do it right. So I
now have to rush through it to meet the deadline and much of
what I have done doesn’t really fulfill the task I was given.”

Let’s face it—being an adult involves navigating some very tedious and
bureaucratic processes that can be extra-­challenging when you have
ADHD. If you have difficulty following complex instructions accu-
rately or problems missing details in your work or other pursuits, this
chapter is for you.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the next page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

85

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 86 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I skip important parts of
A
my work or don’t follow
(page 86)
all the directions.
I lose focus in the middle
B
of the task and miss things
(page 87)
I should do.
I rush through tedious
C
tasks to get them over
(page 87)
with as soon as possible.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, I’m D
going to make mistakes in (page 88)
my work at times.

L A: I skip important parts of my work or don’t follow all

the directions.

I see this all the time as a college professor: A smart student with good
ideas misses big chunks of what’s required on an assignment. This
might not end up being a big deal on a college assignment, but in other
situations it could have serious consequences. Maybe you’ve experi-
enced the consequences of this problem in your life. If so, here are some
strategies to try:

‰ Engineer and use your Reduced-­

Distraction Environment
(page 25).
‰ Before you start, write out the directions in your own words,
step by step, checklist style.

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 Complete Tasks Accurately 87

Sometimes directions are very poorly written or confusing and

hard to follow. When you write them in your own words, they are
clearer to you and broken down into those manageable chunks I keep
emphasizing (page 28). If the directions are in electronic format, you
could copy/paste each step into a numbered list to help you focus on
each one. Then check them off as you complete them.

‰ When you think you’ve finished, read the directions again and
adjust as necessary.

Because I was born in the 1980s, I often describe this strategy

using the words of a popular rap icon from that era who warned that
checking oneself is a good way to avoid wrecking oneself.

‰ Get an Accountability Partner (page 33) who’s willing to give

your work the once-over.

Simply knowing that someone else will look at your work might
also motivate you to check over more than you would otherwise.

L B: I lose focus in the middle of the task and miss things I

should do.

‰ Engineer and use your Reduced-­

Distraction Environment
(page 25).
‰ Use the Pomodoro Technique to stay focused and motivated
(page 32).
‰ Use Strategic Task Scheduling (page 31) to optimize the time
that you work on the task and build in Rewarding Conse-
quences (page 29).

L C: I rush through tedious tasks to get them over with as soon

as possible.

Maybe doing detail-­oriented work feels icky, so you sacrifice accuracy

for getting it over with. If so, here are some ideas to try.

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 88 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Try temptation bundling (Rewarding Consequences, page 29).

If it’s not too distracting, choose your very favorite musical artist,
playlist, Broadway show, or genre and allow yourself to listen to that
music only when you’re doing a task that feels super icky.

‰ Estimate the time you think you will need to complete the
task, double that, and set a timer (page 22). Add a Rewarding
Consequence (page 29) at the end.

This strategy will force you to spend more time on the task than
you think you’ll need. If you get done before the timer goes off, use
that time to reread the directions and go back over your work.

L D: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going to

make mistakes in my work at times.

You might be in a spot right now where rushing through something or

missing important steps has caused you problems or upset people who
are important to you. It might feel like you should just give up because
there’s no way you’re ever going to be able to do better. These thoughts
and feelings are real, but they’re not true. They don’t determine your
future. When your mistakes impact other people, make a sincere apol-
ogy (Effective Apologies, page 50) and revisit the strategies in this sec-
tion to see how you could do better next time. And, as always, develop
the kind of Self-­Coaching (page 40) that can encourage you forward.

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 9
get started
and restarted

“A few years back, a good friend of mine said he was getting a bit
tired of constantly giving me roadmaps to help with my problems
that I never wanted to follow. I remember thinking, ‘I have a mil-
lion of those maps in my head. I know how to make them. What
I need to know is how, as the navigator, I get the driver to follow
my instructions instead of f***ing off to the river to throw rocks
at fish.’ ”

Procrastination is among the most common problems faced by adults

with ADHD—one that can block you from reaching your meaningful
goals and cause stress in your life. Being an adult involves daily com-
petition between short-term payoffs and longer-term accomplishments
(and requirements). It might feel like procrastination is just a part of
you—like something that’s so ingrained that you can’t change it. But
psychologists actually know a lot about why we procrastinate and what
strategies help people get unstuck.
One reason procrastination can be such a tough nut to crack is that
people procrastinate at different times for different reasons. So part of
getting unstuck is gaining a better understanding of what’s causing your
avoidance in specific situations.

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 90 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement below and choose the best answer for you by put-
ting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose which
sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I don’t have a good idea
of what really needs to be A
done, so I spend time on (page 91)
less important tasks.
I look at big tasks on my
task list or think about
B
them and instantly feel
(page 91)
overwhelmed and then
avoid.
I find myself doing
C
everything except the
(page 92)
thing I should be doing.
When I think about doing
something I’m avoiding,
I have a lot of negative D
thoughts, or I think things (page 94)
like “I’ll have more time
to do it later.”
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, E
sometimes I’m going to (page 94)
procrastinate.

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 Get Started and Restarted 91

L A: I don’t have a good idea of what really needs to be done, so I

spend time on less important tasks.

First, you need to set up a:

‰ Task-­Tracking System (page 17)

If you haven’t committed to this foundational tool for fighting

procrastination, now is the time. Be sure to also use:

‰ Priority Labeling (or Sorting) (page 18)

Practice applying the A/B/C priority labels to the items on your

list. Remember, those A tasks are ones you need to work on imme-
diately, but the runner-up B tasks probably involve small pieces that
could also be A tasks. And if those A tasks still just seem too over-
whelming, read on.

L B: I look at big tasks on my task list or think about them and

instantly feel overwhelmed and then avoid.

This makes emotional sense—we tend to avoid those things that trig-
ger negative emotions, and this avoidance can happen without much
thinking or even awareness. When this happens, use:

‰ Task Chunks (page 28)

Chunking up tasks will allow you to create less overwhelming

micro-tasks. These smaller Task Chunks can help you get unstuck by
reducing your sense of task dread and giving you a little hit of achieve-
ment for checking them off your list. Your big, scary A task becomes
a series of smaller, less scary and more specific A chunks. Here’s some-
thing to keep in mind: It’s okay to create a chunk that seems absurdly
small.
For example, despite being an extrovert, I despise making phone

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 92 Menu of Moves for Living Well

calls unless it’s for a fun, social purpose.* To get myself moving, I will
often tell myself, “Okay, you JUST have to look up so-and-so’s num-
ber.” Once I’ve looked up the number (pretty easy), the behavioral ball
is rolling, and I usually just go ahead and make the call. Psychologists
call this behavioral momentum. I can’t promise that this will always hap-
pen when you do a Task Chunk, but it can be a nice bonus.
You can also use:

‰ Timers (page 22)

To help you engage in a task, replace “I have to clean this WHOLE

kitchen!” with “I have to work on cleaning the kitchen for 10 min-
utes.” Then set the timer on your phone, oven, or microwave and get
going. If you finish 10 minutes, great! If you keep going, even better.
Another strategy that can make task size more manageable and
getting started less daunting is:

‰ The Pomodoro Technique (page 32)

This strategy involves breaking your task-­related goals into smaller

chunks of time, which can make things feel less overwhelming.

L C: I find myself doing everything except the thing I should

be doing.

This is an incredibly frustrating situation, but it actually contains a lot of

useful information. Specifically:

Whatever you’re doing instead of the avoided task has the potential to be a
reward for that task.**

* Truth be told, I’m enabled by my introverted but socially skilled husband who will, for
example, call in our Chinese food orders.
** I can’t resist sharing that, in psychology, this idea is called the Premack principle. It
means that rewards are not things, but rather activities. It can be helpful to think about
rewards this way because it expands the possible pool of things that might be rewarding.

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 Get Started and Restarted 93

“Instead” tasks are, surprisingly, not always super-­enjoyable, max-

imally rewarding activities. Instead, they tend to just not be as bad as
the avoided task. For example, when I was in college, at the end of
each semester when I was supposed to be studying for finals, I suddenly
had a deep and profound urge to clean and organize my dorm room.
My own research has shown that when people are avoiding work tasks,
they’re most likely to be doing . . . other work tasks! So a rewarding
activity need not be an all-out party—it just needs to be better than
the alternative.
Reflect for a moment—when you are in “avoidance mode” for a
hated task, what are you typically doing instead?

To leverage this new information about what is (relatively) reward-

ing, you’ll use these activities as rewards for completing some part of
the avoided task. For example: “If I study chemistry for 30 minutes, I
can organize my desktop.” “If I grade two papers, I can refill my cof-
fee.” “If I finish writing this chapter, I can check my email.”
To start using this strategy, review the section on:

‰ Rewarding Consequences (page 29)

Then you can combine the use of Rewarding Consequences with

your Calendar System and try out some:

‰ Strategic Task Scheduling (page 31)

You could also use:

‰ Accountability Partners (page 33)

Accountability partners can provide additional Rewarding Con-

sequences. A writing accountability group, for example, can provide

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 94 Menu of Moves for Living Well

cheerleading for getting started on a daunting task and provide empathic

coaching when you need it.

L D: When I think about doing something I’m avoiding, I have a lot

of negative thoughts, or I think things like “I’ll have more time to
do it later.”

We often avoid things because those things prompt thoughts and feel-
ings that we want to escape. You feel anxious or overwhelmed by a task
or just too tired, and so you think, “Actually, it’s not a big deal if I do
this later,” and divert your attention elsewhere. But sooner or later the
task looms again and the icky feelings are even worse.
It takes a lot of skill to recognize when this escape process is hap-
pening because it occurs so quickly and without awareness. Learning to
respond differently to avoidance feelings is going to take some practice.
Begin with:

‰ Choice Point Analysis (page 36)

Then practice new responses to these thoughts and feelings by

diving into:

‰ Self-­Coaching (page 40)

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, sometimes I’m

going to procrastinate.

I am feeling this very deeply as I write this sentence. I’m not where
I wanted to be in terms of progress on this book at the moment I’m
writing this. I feel ashamed that I haven’t made more progress at this
point and that the deadline is so close. I didn’t follow through on my
timeline the way I said I would. Sure, there were lots of other compet-
ing priorities that I had across the past few months and some stressful
things too, but . . . I’m supposed to be the expert on strategies to help
with executive functioning struggles. And yet here I am. And this little

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 Get Started and Restarted 95

voice whispers, “What right do YOU have to be giving yourself or

anyone else advice on how to reduce procrastination?”
And even as I type this, I realize I’m at a choice point. This is an
opportunity to practice what I preach and do some Self-­Coaching. I can
accept these negative thoughts and feelings as having some v­ alidity—I
didn’t meet the goals I wanted to hit, and it doesn’t feel good. If I didn’t
care and writing this book wasn’t meaningful or important to me, I
wouldn’t feel these feelings. My pain shows where my values are. And I
have choices that are under my control and strategies I can use to move
forward. First, I’m going to communicate with my editor and coauthor
and apologize for not making more timely progress and ask to come
up with a modified timeline. Next, I’ve been using strategies like the
Pomodoro Technique and Accountability Partners, but I will also do
more with Rewarding Consequences and Strategic Task Scheduling.
And as for the Self-Coaching part, I’m going to read this paragraph
again and then follow the steps I laid out. (And I guess if you’re reading
this, it all worked out!)

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 10
stick with it
and wrap up

“If I could only figure out how to make boring tasks interesting,
I could finally catch up on the paperwork sitting on my desk that
I’ve been putting off for weeks.”

Even if you’re able to get started, you might have problems sticking
with a task (after the novelty wears off ) or wrapping up the final steps
of a project, even when the goal is close at hand. The strategies in this
chapter are designed to help you better understand the wrapping-up
problems that might be getting in the way of your goals and to help
you get unstuck.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the facing page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

96

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 Stick with It and Wrap Up 97

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I’m very easily distracted
A
during boring tasks that
(page 97)
require focus.
I jump around from one
B
task to another without
(page 98)
finishing anything.
I feel like everything I do
C
has to be just right before
(page 100)
wrapping up.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what,
D
I may struggle to stick
(page 102)
with and finish things
sometimes.

L A: I’m very easily distracted during boring tasks that

require focus.

First, you’ll want to make sure you’re setting yourself up for success by
engineering a:

‰ Reduced-­Distraction Environment (page 25)

Next, I recommend you check out:

‰ The Pomodoro Technique (page 32)

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 98 Menu of Moves for Living Well

This technique can help you maximize your focus during bite-
sized chunks of time. In particular, if you’ve stalled on a particular
task and you’ve recognized that, committing to even just one Pomodoro
(25 minutes) might help you make enough progress to generate some
behavioral momentum and reduce your stuckness.

‰ Use an Accountability Partner (page 33).

This tool can also be very helpful to staying on task. For example,
you could use body doubling—­working in the presence of others in
the physical world or online together—to help with follow-­through.

L B: I jump around from one task to another without

finishing anything.

Jumping from one task to another isn’t necessarily a problem. Switching

gears to a different way of using your brain when you’re feeling burned
out on a task can re-­energize you and boost your motivation. But task
switching too often can also be costly—­especially if you have trouble
getting back around to re-­engage with the unfinished tasks. If you have
unfinished projects all over your house, yard, or computer, this section
is for you.
If you haven’t already:

‰ Review the strategies listed under Section A above to help pro-

mote focus and possibly prevent too-­frequent task switching.

Next, assess whether you’re engaged with your:

‰ Task-­Tracking System (page 17)

If not, your first step is going to be setting up this system, updating

it, or otherwise re-­engaging. Then ask yourself, “Are all my unfinished
tasks somewhere in my Task-­Tracking System?”
If not, it’s time to do an inventory of your unfinished tasks. Grab
a pen or pencil and first write down any tasks on the blanks below that

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 Stick with It and Wrap Up 99

you already know have been left hanging. Next, get ready to go on a
tour! Literally walk around your house, garage, yard, car, and add to
your inventory any unfinished tasks you discover.

Unfinished Task Inventory

             
             
             

How do you feel looking at your inventory? It might be over-

whelming to come face to face with all the tasks that have fallen by the
wayside. You’re probably now at a choice point (page 36) where you
could just keep ignoring these tasks (because focusing on them doesn’t
feel good) or choose to take a small step toward accomplishing these
goals. In other words, it’s time for some solid:

‰ Self-­Coaching (page 40)

Include both encouragement and strategies in how you talk to

yourself about this list—for example, “This list is long, and I feel tired
and ashamed when I look at it. But this is the first step to addressing this
problem, and I’m taking it right now, which is a thing to be proud of.”
This might also be a good time to get with an Accountability Partner
(page 33) who can support your efforts. Next, you’re going to get stra-
tegic about how to handle these unfinished tasks.

‰ For each item in the Unfinished Task Inventory, consider: Is

this task worth finishing?

Life is full of choices about how to spend your time, and the fact
that you’ve started a task doesn’t mean you must finish it. We can often
fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy, which leads us to irrationally continue
to invest time, money, and energy when doing so is unlikely to benefit
us. It can be emotionally hard to cut your losses and decide to give up
on a goal, but sometimes this is the best choice, both practically and
emotionally. Please don’t give up on a task that’s truly important to you or
potentially beneficial, but:

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 100 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Give yourself permission to let go of unfinished tasks that no

longer make sense for you.*

Remove these from your Unfinished Task Inventory. Now that

you’ve focused your list on what’s worthwhile to finish, use:

‰ Priority Labeling (or Sorting) (page 18)

This tool will help you decide where it will be most important
to spend your time. Then add each task to your Task-­Tracking System
(page 17). Choose the most important task and use the strategies in Get
Started and Restarted (Chapter 9, page 89) to move forward.

L C: I feel like everything I do has to be just right before

wrapping up.

Sometimes people have trouble finishing things because of perfection-

ism, or the belief that something terrible will happen or they’re a bad
person if everything isn’t the absolute best that it can be. People with
ADHD may develop tendencies toward perfectionism in an effort
to control their symptoms or prevent the kind of negative feedback
they’ve received from people in the past. But sadly perfectionism can
block you from actually achieving your goals—in other words, the
perfect can be the enemy of the good and—more importantly—the
complete.
If perfectionism is a serious problem for you, working through
it might require resources beyond this book. I recommend the CBT
Workbook for Perfectionism by Sharon Martin and Thoughts and Feelings:
Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life by McKay, Davis, and Fan-
ning. Or speak with a mental health professional about how to work
your way out of perfection paralysis.
In the meantime, here are a few strategies for beginning to loosen
its hold:

* And clean up any materials related to the task or put this cleanup on your task list.

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 Stick with It and Wrap Up 101

1. Perfectionism is a form of all-or-­nothing thinking, or the irratio-

nal belief that (a) things fall into only categories of good/bad and (b)
anything that isn’t 100% good is therefore bad. Try writing down the
thoughts you have when you feel stuck on a task and recognize when
you might be locked into this erroneous mindset.
2. Underneath perfectionism there is often fear and anxiety. We
avoid thinking deeply about our fears because doing so is scary, and so
we never really think through what it is we’re afraid of and consider
whether it actually makes sense for us. Try this: Choose a task that you
think you might be approaching with anxiety-­motivated perfection-
ism. What do you believe will happen if you don’t execute this task 100%
perfectly? What is your worst fear?

Reread what you wrote and answer the following questions:

How likely do you think it is that, if your work isn’t perfect, this
worst fear will actually happen?    %
If this worst fear actually happened, what is the likelihood that
you could not get through it?    %
Now imagine that your best friend or your child was having the
same anxious thoughts. What would you say to them, and how
would you coach them through it?

3. Next, reflect on what might count as good enough for the task
you’ve been having trouble completing. Do you really have a clear idea
about what’s required? Maybe you need to talk to someone—like a boss
or teacher—to find out what good enough is for this task or at least reread

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 102 Menu of Moves for Living Well

the instructions. (You may have been overestimating what is required.)

You could also seek feedback on your progress so far and ask questions
to resolve your uncertainty.
Below, write some notes about what might be good enough for this
task or some ideas about how you’ll get information on this.

Finally, go back and reread what you wrote for your worst fear in
Step 2, then rerate:

How likely do you think it is that, if your work isn’t perfect, this
worst fear will actually happen?    %
If this worst fear actually happened, what is the likelihood that
you could not get through it?    %

Did your ratings change? If not, that’s okay—you can still focus
on getting to good enough for your task. But changes in your rat-
ings might suggest that anxious thoughts and feelings are just that—­
thoughts and feelings and not facts or things that must control your
actions. Changing your perspective and focusing on actions can turn
down the volume of your anxiety.

L D: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I may struggle

to stick with and finish things sometimes.

Problems with finishing things can be emotionally hard. The longer

the task is unfinished, the heavier it feels and the more you might beat
yourself up for not being able to wrap it up. But you’ve taken the first
step by getting curious about the barriers to sealing the deal on impor-
tant tasks—­including taking stock of which tasks are still important.
Congrats on taking the first step to getting unstuck.

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 11
switch gears when
you need to

“I have episodes of hyperfocus symptoms related to my ADHD. Yet

unlike some, I don’t view it as a benefit. Yes, it’s helped me dive
deeply into some subjects I really wanted to specialize in—like
making music, doing some writing, or coding. But I found that
it can evolve into obsessions where I just can’t use my executive
function to stop what I’m doing until I’m completely exhausted.
And it also causes me to miss other time-based tasks I really need
to get done during the day. In that sense, it’s a two-edged sword
and needs to be managed.”
Do you ever get into a state of hyperfocus where you’re completely
absorbed in an activity with little awareness of the passage of time? If
so, you probably also know that it can be hard to deploy these hyperfo-
cus states toward the most meaningful and important activities.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the next page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

103

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 104 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
Screen time sucks up
hours of my day without A
leaving me much to show (page 104)
for it.
I spend hours absorbed in
a preferred activity and B
can’t tell where the time (page 107)
went.
I delay falling asleep until C
way later than I should. (page 108)
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, it D
can be hard to stop doing (page 108)
things I enjoy.

L A: Screen time sucks up hours of my day without leaving me much

to show for it.

Extracting yourself from absorption in screen time is probably one of

the most difficult self-­control tasks to tackle, primarily because the cor-
porations behind those screens have figured out exactly what to offer to
you to hold your attention and convert it into money. To circumvent
getting hooked on screens, you may have to learn to hack your digital
environment to promote focus. First:

‰ Take stock of your current level of digital health by visiting

[Link]/score.

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 Switch Gears When You Need To 105

This free quiz can give you a sense of where you stand in terms
of the need to change your digital habits and possibly kick-start your
motivation to make change. (I know it did for me.)

‰ Evaluate exactly where your digital time is going.

Which activities are your danger zones? Jot down the apps, sites,
or activities that you think are taking up the most time and
attention:

Next, check the digital well-being section of your device settings

for stats on your most frequent mobile phone activities. Write
down any other apps or activities that are sucking up your time:

Now you have a sense of which activities you’ll need to address

most.

‰ Explore digital well-being settings on your phone.

Both Android and Apple phones offer specific settings to help you
limit and control screen time. I have an Android phone, which offers
a section on digital well-being under Settings. Open the digital well-
being settings on your phone and take a look. I was surprised by the
number of options available, including:

• View stats for your screen time usage

• Set hourly or daily limits for each app on total screen time, noti-
fications, and times opened
• Add a timer to the screen when using specific websites that
“suck you in”
• Set up Bedtime or Focus mode: times during the night or day
that the phone will go into grayscale, screen dark, and do not
disturb modes

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 106 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• Change notification settings for each app

• Add a widget to your home screen that displays your total screen
time for the day; just click your home screen and hold, scroll
down to digital well-being, and choose a spot to paste it

‰ Look at the list of time-­sucking apps you made above and do

one or more of the following:
• Adjust the digital well-being settings to add a timer and
add limits to problem apps.
• Turn off notifications for problem apps, or at least turn off
notifications for some events.
• Move the icons for problem apps off your home screen,
so they’re harder to get to (an example of a Speed Bump,
page 47).
• Consider deleting problem apps from your phone alto-
gether, and access those sites only through your phone’s
web browser.

‰ For problem use on your laptop or desktop, try the following:

• Turn off or limit notifications from apps that steal your
attention (in Settings).
• Use web browser plug-ins like StayFocusd for Google
Chrome to set limits on certain problem sites.
• Use an app like Freedom, which allows you to set limits on
all your devices using one program.

‰ Make and use a phone jail.

This is a specific place you’ll put your phone before starting to focus
(or sleep!). Designate a pocket in your work bag or backpack or create
(and decorate if you want!) a small container where you will place your
phone before you sit down to focus. You could even set up a reminder
on the phone to pop up at scheduled work times: “Put me in jail!”*

* I envision a meme of Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly peeking out from behind
bars, like from a Get Out of Jail Free card.

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 Switch Gears When You Need To 107

L B: I spend hours absorbed in a preferred activity and can’t tell

where the time went.

These strategies are intended to help you either prevent unwanted

hyperfocus or help you realize that it’s happening so that you can direct
your resources elsewhere.

‰ Investigate the strategies in Section A above on screen time,

which might help you limit hyperfocus on digital activities.
‰ Use timers (page 22) to limit hyperfocus.

Before beginning an activity that usually “sucks you in,” set a

timer for the maximum amount of time you want to spend on that
activity. The alarm going off will give you a moment to redirect your-
self.

‰ Set a series of alarms (page 23) to sound while you focus on a

difficult task.

When each alarm rings, mentally check whether you’ve fallen into
misdirected hyperfocus. For example, you could set your phone and
computer to deliver notifications each hour during the workday or
while writing or studying that read something like “Are you focused
on what matters?” When you see the notification, do a mental check as
to whether it’s time to refocus.
If these strategies don’t seem to help you disengage from hyperfo-
cus activities, it’s time to do a:

‰ Choice Point Analysis (page 36) and Self-­

Coaching (page
40)

Direct your analysis and self-­ coaching toward those moments

where you realize you should do something else but have thoughts like
“I can just do this for a few more minutes” or “I’ll just do this one thing
before I stop.”

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 108 Menu of Moves for Living Well

L C: I delay falling asleep until way later than I should.

Because sleep is so important to brain health and because getting too

little sleep can make ADHD symptoms even worse, I thought it was
important to address this problem in the book. I’m not talking about
times when you can’t fall asleep even though you’re sincerely trying
to—I’m talking about times when you’re doing something else but
part of you knows you should be letting your body get some rest. My
guess is that a lot of these times involve using screens in bed. You keep
scrolling, scrolling, scrolling—even though your eyelids are heavy and
you’re not enjoying yourself anyway. If this is your problem, you can
try the following:

‰ Set up bedtime settings (see Section A of this chapter) in your

phone’s digital wellness section.
‰ Remove the TV from your bedroom or make it a tablet-free
zone.
‰ Make a phone jail (page 106) that’s out of reach from your bed.

Choose a spot in the room that you can’t reach from your bed and
put your phone charger there (and only there). Make sure you get your-
self an alarm clock, so you don’t fall back into using your phone as your
alarm clock and having it drift back to your bedside table.

‰ Use a Choice Point Analysis (page 36) to understand those

moments when part of you knows you should go to bed—­
particularly if you notice thoughts like “I haven’t done anything
fun today, so I deserve to watch these videos.” Then develop
a Self-­Coaching (page 40) response that emphasizes how good
you’ll feel after a good night’s rest.

L D: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, it can be hard

to stop doing things I enjoy.

It can be frustrating to wake up from hyperfocus and realize that you’ve

lost far more time than you intended to a device or another activity

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 Switch Gears When You Need To 109

that wasn’t in line with your intentions. That lack of awareness is what
makes this problem so hard to manage, so it’s understandable that it
happens. As you work toward managing your focus and bringing it in
line with your intentions, do your best to remain patient with yourself
and practice self-­compassion. And, most importantly, celebrate even
the small gains that you can make—10 minutes you spend on some-
thing you value versus something you don’t might seem small, but
10-minute chunks add up over time, meaning that even small daily
gains matter.

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 12
keep your
commitments
to others

“While I know what to do, as a person with ADHD, I may not

always do what I know is best for me and the important people in
my life. However, I won’t give up.”

Living well with ADHD is a matter of finding ways to define and

live a personally meaningful life in the presence of the challenges that
ADHD presents. For most people, cultivating connected and fulfill-
ing relationships is a key part of living well. The challenges associated
with ADHD can sometimes make it difficult to be who you want to
be in relation to other people in your life—­including being able to
follow through on commitments you’ve made to others. This chapter
pulls together strategies from throughout the book to help you make
commitments thoughtfully and increase your chances of following
through. You’ll also get some ideas for what to do when—like every
human—you don’t live up to your aspirations.

110

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 Keep Your Commitments to Others 111

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement below and choose the best answer for you by put-
ting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose which
sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I don’t keep track of what
A
I’m supposed to do and
(page 111)
when.
I take on too many
commitments, become B
overwhelmed, and then (page 112)
can’t follow through.
I put off getting started on C
tasks. (page 114)
I have trouble sticking D
with or wrapping up tasks. (page 115)
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, E
sometimes I’ll let others (page 115)
down.

L A: I don’t keep track of what I’m supposed to do and when.

Keeping your promises to others is going to require that you remember

what those promises are and when you need to deliver on them, so
commit or recommit to using a:

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 112 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Calendar System (page 16)

‰ Task-­Tracking System (page 17)

L B: I take on too many commitments, become overwhelmed,

and then can’t follow through.

When people ask you to do something, it can feel good to say yes and
bad to say no. You might overestimate your ability to accomplish all
the tasks that you put on your plate and underestimate the size of the
tasks you’re taking on. Before we talk about strategies, let’s get a more
visceral understanding of the problem of overcommitment.
Imagine you’re at a potluck—a dinner where each person brings
a dish to share.* All available space on the long table is covered with
luscious-­looking homemade dishes. You’re first in line. You grab a plate
and notice that your host has purchased the flimsiest, single-ply, non-
coated paper plates available—and you’ve got only one. Undaunted,
you take a big scoop from the first dish on the table, followed by a
spoonful of the second. As you go down the line, you notice that your
plate is getting very full fast. The savory sauces from the casseroles are
starting to soak into the plate. But you don’t want to say no to any of
these dishes! Besides, if someone sees that you don’t take any of their
dish, they’ll be super upset with you . . . right? And there are people
waiting behind you—you’ve got to keep moving. As you go down the
line, your plate gets heavier and more moist, and your anxiety grows.
You try to take smaller spoons of each dish, but it’s not really help-
ing—the plate feels like it’s going to slip out of your hand. Finally,
you’re nearing the end of the line and you spot your favorite food of all
time! “I can do it,” you think. “I’m sure I have just enough room. I can
do it all!” You attempt to gingerly place a portion of your favorite atop
the other foods on your plate as carefully as possible, but the plate slips
sideways out of your hand . . .

How does this story connect with the idea of overcommitment

and your experience of it?

* In Central Pennsylvania where I grew up, this is known as a “covered dish supper.”

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 Keep Your Commitments to Others 113

Here are a few things I think this story illustrates about over­
commitment:*

• It can be hard to notice when it’s happening because it happens

little by little and, before you’re aware of it, you can be over-
whelmed.
• If can feel really good to say yes! Especially if you’re a person
who’s generally concerned about pleasing others.
• Your plate doesn’t have unlimited capacity. Overloading it cre-
ates stress.
• Taking on too much can limit your later opportunities for more
meaningful things. Psychologists call this opportunity cost. In
other words, saying yes to something now may mean having to
say no to something else down the road.

Here are a few strategies to help you be more thoughtful in the

commitments you make to others.

‰ Choose a default response you will give to requests that will

buy time for you to consider them thoughtfully. This tip came
from one of my grad school advisors, who suggested respond-
ing to any request for a commitment with:

That’s really interesting. I’ll have to think about that some more and get
back to you.

This response gives you time to really weigh the pros and cons of
the request and to avoid responding with an impulsive, people-­pleasing

* I developed this story into a learning activity for some of my college students. They had
to pile a flimsy paper plate with scoops of loose, melty Jell-O and walk, then run, across
the lawn. The idea was to feel what it’s like when you “put too much on your plate” and
perhaps remember that feeling before taking on a new commitment. And when you have
ADHD, you might need to be even more strategic about how much your plate can hold.

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 114 Menu of Moves for Living Well

yes in the moment. An asker who is really motivated will follow up,
even if you forget to.

‰ Ask for an estimated time commitment.

In addition to buying you time to consider, this question will give

you information about the potential costs of a commitment. It may
also reveal otherwise “hidden” aspects of the request—for example, the
specific steps involved or how long the commitment will last.

‰ Ask yourself a series of key questions to help you reflect on

whether you want to take on a commitment. Helpful questions
to ask yourself include:
• Does taking on this commitment move me toward my
personal values (see Chapter 26, page 197)?
• Is it likely that saying no will severely hurt my career or
relationship?
• How will I feel when it comes time to actually do this
task? (Will the You of the Future resent the You of Now
for saying yes?)
• If I say yes to this, what other activities (or potential activi-
ties) will have to get less time and effort?
• What would I advise my best friend to do in this situation?

Best wishes in making these decisions! They are hard, but elimi-
nating even a few less meaningful commitments from your plate can
create space and reduce stress.

L C: I put off getting started on tasks.

Visit the strategies in:

‰ Get Started and Restarted (Chapter 9, page 89)

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 Keep Your Commitments to Others 115

L D: I have trouble sticking with or wrapping up tasks.

Visit the strategies in:

‰ Stick with It and Wrap Up (Chapter 10, page 96)

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, sometimes I’ll

let others down.

This is a tough one—­especially if you have struggled with ADHD

symptoms for a long time and they’ve impacted your ability to keep
your promises to others. You might worry about what other people
think of you and, even harder, might see yourself as a person who isn’t
worthy of others’ trust. You may deeply mistrust yourself. If you feel
like those two sentences really hit home, you’re not alone and you
might consider discussing these thoughts and feelings with a coun-
selor or, better yet, a cognitive-­behavioral therapist with experience
in the ways that living with ADHD affects your self-­beliefs (see the
Resources, page 210). Dr. J. Russell Ramsay’s book Rethinking Adult
ADHD might be particularly helpful to you or your therapist. ADHD
support groups (see Support Communities, page 52) can also give you
access to people who can empathize with your experiences.
Despite how you feel, letting others down is something you are
committing to working on just by reading this chapter. That’s a big
deal. And it’s okay for you to ask others for patience and even help as
you work toward getting better at fulfilling your commitments. It’s
okay to ask for reminders, for example—­especially if you’ve agreed
to do something for someone else. And if you do mess up, there are
skillful ways to work toward repair. Read my recommendations for
Effective Apologies (page 50) and engage with some constructive Self-­
Coaching (page 40) when you stumble in this (or any) area.

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 13
absorb information

“I can do things such as small tasks and not even realize it because
my mind was elsewhere. I lose things, I misplace things, I don’t
listen well to what others are saying, and I make a lot of mistakes
in my detail-­oriented job. I get stuck in my head and disconnected
from the world when I try to do anything I’m not interested in,
including listening to others.”

People with ADHD sometimes find they don’t process or absorb infor-
mation as quickly as other people. They may have to exert more will-
power to stay focused on what they read or hear. If this is a challenge
for you, read on.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the facing page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

116

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 Absorb Information 117

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I’m usually also on my
phone or laptop or doing
A
something else while
(page 117)
trying to listen to or read
something. (Be honest!)
I have to read things
B
over and over to get the
(page 118)
meaning.
I zone out when I’m
C
trying to listen to lectures,
(page 120)
meetings, or recordings.
I have difficulty listening D
in conversations. (page 121)
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, I’m
E
going to be slower at or
(page 123)
struggle with some things
more than others.

L A: I’m usually also on my phone or laptop or doing something else

while trying to listen to or read something. (Be honest!)

I’m not trying to tech-shame anyone, but attempts at mental multitask-

ing are a major potential source of chronic difficulties with focusing
on and absorbing information. Psychology research is clear: Humans
cannot mentally multitask in the true sense of actually being able to do
two attention-­demanding mental tasks at once.* Rather, what appears to be
multitasking is really switching of attention back and forth between two tasks.
This means that there will be loss of information for the task that’s not

* You might be thinking “But I can drive a car and think about something else at the same
time!” You may even be able to do other well-­learned manual tasks like knitting while
listening intently. Notice, however, that these “at the same time” tasks are physical tasks
that are what psychologists call overlearned—that is, you’ve practiced and practiced them
so that the work has been transferred to a different part of your brain, and those programs
can run without much active attention—that is, until something unexpected happens (a
car pulls out; you notice you missed a stitch). When it comes to, for example, listening to
and comprehending a lecture and shopping on Amazon, your brain can’t do both at once.

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 118 Menu of Moves for Living Well

currently in the spotlight of attention. For people with ADHD, task

switching may be even more costly than for others.
Because I’m a professor, I’m particularly familiar with the research
on use of distracting technology in the college classroom. The results
are consistent, and they’re not pretty. Students who are struggling the
most are also the ones hurt the most by the presence of distracting
tech in the classroom. Even students sitting near the person using their
laptop to multitask during lectures get lower grades due to second-
hand distraction. The research is so clear that I strongly encourage my
students not to use laptops in class unless we’re using them for a class
activity.
So if you’re trying to pay attention and truly comprehend the
information being communicated, first remove or regulate your use of
screens in those situations. To do so, visit Section A in:

‰ Switch Gears When You Need To (Chapter 11): Screen time

sucks up hours of my day without leaving me much to show for
it (page 104)

L B: I have to read things over and over to get the meaning.

Adults with ADHD that I’ve worked with over the years have often
struggled with trying to read complicated texts. They zone out halfway
down the page and then have to reread to get the information. This can
make completing reading assignments frustrating and inefficient, to say
the least. If that sounds like you, here are some strategies to try.
Sometimes reading difficulties arise when you’re trying to “cram”
or push your attention up against its limits. To provide adequate breaks
to replenish your reading resources, use:

‰ The Pomodoro Technique (page 32)

Pomodoro provides built-in breaks that can also serve as check-ins

as to whether you’re still focused. Although a Pomodoro is traditionally
25 minutes long, you can shorten that time period if you need to do
deep reading of dense texts.

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 Absorb Information 119

Some people find it easier to pay attention to spoken text—this is

certainly the case for me. You could also read and listen simultaneously
to boost focus. Fortunately, screen-­reading technology has gotten bet-
ter, cheaper, and more accessible than ever. So you could:

‰ Use screen reading on your phone or computer instead of (only)

reading with your eyes.

For example, on my PC under Settings  Ease of Access there is

a section called Narrator that allows me to turn on screen reading and
to customize how it works. This is a great example of how making
environments more accessible for people with certain disabilities (in
this case, people with vision problems) provides resources for others.
Thanks, inclusion!
Finally, you can use some tried-and-true strategies from the sci-
ence of reading to boost comprehension of information-­packed texts
like textbook chapters, articles, and professional documents. These
documents can be hard to read “straight through” and actually absorb.
One of the most well known is a set of five strategies called SQ3R,
which stands for:

‰ Survey, question, read, recite, review (SQ3R)

Virginia Tech has an excellent website describing the components

of SQ3R at [Link]
sq3r_reading-study_system.html if you want to learn more. Briefly, the
SQ3R steps are:

• First, survey the text by reading just the title, introduction,

headings, graphics, and any in-text summaries. This helps you
develop a framework for what you’ll read.
• Use your survey of the text, especially the headings, to develop
questions that you think the text will answer. Write down
these questions so you can remember them. As you read, you
will be searching for the answers to these questions. This can
help you zero in on the most important information and keep
you engaged in the hunt while reading.

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 120 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• Read the text a section a time and write down the answers you
find to the questions you wrote down.
• At the end of each section, recite—or test yourself—on the
answers to each question to boost your memory.
• After you complete the entire reading, review everything by
quizzing yourself again on the answers to all the questions.

This probably sounds like a lot, but even trying to incorporate the
survey/question/read steps of the process just might boost your engage-
ment with the text enough to reduce problems with zoning out. Give
it a shot!
If problems with reading speed, accuracy, and comprehension per-
sist, it may be a good idea to:

‰ Consider a clinical assessment, including testing for learning

differences (see the Resources, page 209).

People with ADHD are more likely than those without ADHD
to be diagnosed with learning disorders, including reading disorders.*
But these disorders sometimes go undiagnosed when people use other
strengths to compensate for reading problems. A professional assess-
ment can clarify the issue.

L C: I zone out when I’m trying to listen to lectures, meetings, or

recordings.

One way to reduce zoning out is to engage more actively with what
you’re listening to by:

‰ Taking notes as you listen—­preferably by hand

Most people think about taking notes just so they can look back
at them later. But lots of research shows that taking notes while

* Dyslexia is another word for a reading disorder. Although many people think dyslexia
only refers to “reversing letters,” there are many more varieties of dyslexia (reading disor-
der) that can be diagnosed by educational psychologists.

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 Absorb Information 121

listening—­especially by hand—­increases focus and memory, even if

you never look at the notes you create. So consider note taking a tool
that could focus you.
Can you, like some people with ADHD, focus better when your
hands are occupied or other parts of your body are moving? If so, you
could:

‰ Use fidget toys or other physical tasks that are “automatic” for
you while listening.

For example, I know people who can listen and focus better while
simultaneously knitting. Importantly, these are experienced knitters
whose hands knit relatively automatically without pulling away their
attention from listening.* So if you’re going to try this, choose some-
thing you really can do automatically without devoting much attention
to it. Don’t try to learn a new skill for this purpose. Also, it’s a good
idea to explain to the people you’re listening to how doing this other
task helps you listen. Otherwise it could be distracting (and maybe
demoralizing!) to a speaker who isn’t aware of why you’re doing some-
thing else while they’re talking.
If you are trying to pay attention to a recording:

‰ Turn on closed captioning for video or audio recordings.

For example, most YouTube videos have captions you can turn on.
My Android phone has a Live Caption feature that allows me to see
captions on, for example, my favorite podcasts. Taking in information
through more than one sense simultaneously could help improve focus.

L D: I have difficulty listening in conversations.

Conversations—­especially long ones—can be an attention challenge

for people with ADHD. You might find yourself zoning out or inter-
rupting because it’s difficult to wait to get your point across. There

* If you’re thinking: “Wait, I thought you said people can’t actually multitask!” please read
the footnote on page 117.

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 122 Menu of Moves for Living Well

are lots of tips out there on active listening, which is an idea originally
developed by psychotherapists to describe how to fully engage with cli-
ents and help them feel heard and validated. Active listening strategies
focus on the idea of listening to understand instead of listening to respond.
Specific recommendations include putting away any devices and periodi-
cally reflecting back or summarizing what the person has said to check your
understanding.
While active listening strategies can be helpful, I’m not sure they
are always the most applicable to a two-way conversation, which
involves functioning as both the listener and the speaker. In conduct-
ing research for this book, I happened upon a wonderful TED Talk by
professional interviewer Celeste Headlee that emphasizes an important
point. She said the key to good listening and, by extension, good con-
versation is to:

‰ Cultivate genuine curiosity about the people you talk to.

As Headlee describes it, “Everyone is an expert in something,” and

assuming that you have something to learn from every conversation can
help you stay focused on what’s being said. For people with ADHD,
interest drives attention, and so increasing your interest in others and
practicing a few strategies to get more interesting responses from peo-
ple—such as asking only open-ended questions—could improve your
conversations.
I recommend you check out Headlee’s talk at [Link]
R1vskiVDwl4 and jot down a couple of strategies you want to try. And
if you want to go deeper, check out The Lost Art of Listening by Michael
P. Nichols, PhD, and Martha B. Straus, PhD.
Finally, if your brain is more engaged by images than words, you
could try to:

‰ Build a visual image of what a person is saying to you as you

listen.

Consider a mental concept map or a visualization of the story

they’re telling you. This might help boost focus and help you follow
the story.

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 Absorb Information 123

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going to

be slower at or struggle with some things more than others.

Even if you find some strategies that help you, you might process infor-
mation more slowly than other people or struggle to maintain focus.
This can be difficult to accept—to feel like you’re falling behind or
always playing a game of catch-up compared to others. It’s true that
everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but knowing that fact doesn’t
necessarily make coping with your weaknesses any easier. It can be hard
not to compare yourself to other people. But some of the best advice
I’ve gotten on this is to stay in your lane. In other words, you’re running
your own race at your own pace toward your goals. You’ve striving to
live a little bit better with your ADHD than you did yesterday or last
week or last year. That might mean you take longer to reach certain
goals than others or do so having to navigate more struggles, making it
even more important to celebrate even small wins. You’ll be giving your-
self motivational fuel to move forward.

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 14
manage restlessness

“I figured out a long time ago that to do a desk job I needed to

work out really intensively almost daily. And luckily I’ve been able
to set up my office so that I can stand and pace around when I need
to. But sometimes it still feels uncomfortable to just have to SIT
and I dread it.”

People with ADHD sometimes struggle with feelings of internal rest-

lessness or discomfort—­especially in less stimulating situations. Impor-
tantly, this sense of restlessness is somewhat different than restlessness
that’s associated with anxiety, so it’s important to know that this chap-
ter doesn’t address anxiety-­related restlessness.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the facing page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

124

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 Manage Restlessness 125

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review

I can’t sit for long

periods of time without A
feeling distractingly (page 125)
uncomfortable.

I experience
overwhelming urges
B
to escape a tedious
(page 127)
or frustrating task or
situation.

I get so exhausted having

to monitor my behavior all
C
the time and use all these
(page 128)
tools to keep myself in
check.

L A: I can’t sit for long periods of time without feeling distractingly

uncomfortable.

If you have a job that involves a lot of physical movement, this might
not be too much of a problem for you. In an office setting, you might
try to avoid sitting for long periods of time as much as you can. For-
tunately, many workplaces are a little less formal than they used to be
in terms of demanding that people remain seated at their desks for 8
hours a day.

‰ Schedule movement breaks throughout the day.

Put these in your Calendar System (page 16). Take a lap around
the office or your house or, better yet, outside around the building or
the block. If you’re using the Pomodoro Technique (page 32), make
sure your 5-minute breaks involve movement. If long meetings are a
problem, request a pause every 30 minutes for the group to gather its
collective thoughts and move around if needed.
Another creative solution is to:

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 126 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Use a standing desk.

Standing desks are more popular than ever, and though there are
fancy and pricey versions out there, they don’t have to be expensive.
My husband made himself a standing desk out of old file cabinets and a
board. Standing desks are great because they allow you to engage more
easily in movement while trying to focus. If you need to both sit and
stand, there are adjustable desk options as well.
Sometimes people with ADHD report that they’re able to focus
better when their hands are occupied or other parts of their body are
moving. In the autism community this is known as stimming—a cop-
ing strategy people might use to help regulate emotions, sensations,
or focus. In my opinion, we shouldn’t overpathologize fidgeting and
stimming that doesn’t cause a person any substantial problems.* For-
tunately, more clinicians and members of the public are taking this
perspective, inspired by neurodiverse people themselves. So:

‰ If you have to sit for a long time, use fidget toys or engage in
physical tasks that are “automatic” for you.

The array of fidget toys and devices available these days is quite
diverse, so try out a few and see what works best for you. As mentioned
in Chapter 13 (page 121), some people can focus while simultaneously
knitting. Importantly, these are experienced knitters whose hands can
knit relatively automatically without pulling away their attention from
listening. If there’s a skill you have that fits this category, you could try
that. If you’re fidgeting or knitting or whatever is noticeable, it’s a good
idea to explain to the people around you how fidgeting helps you focus
so that they understand the purpose of it. You’ll also be helping reduce
stigma for other stimmers!
Finally, over the years I have met many people with ADHD who
say that regular, vigorous physical exercise is absolutely essential for
them to stay focused for the rest of the day. If this applies to you:

* In this case I’m definitely not talking about stimming that causes harm to autistic people,
such as head banging or other behaviors that result in self-­injury.

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 Manage Restlessness 127

‰ Schedule regular exercise times in your Calendar System (page

16) and fiercely protect them.

Show yourself as unavailable at that time in your work calendar.

Exercise is not a luxury—it’s a responsibility you have to others and to
yourself to be able to function at your best.

L B: I experience overwhelming urges to escape a tedious or

frustrating task or situation.

Many adults with ADHD describe moments when, emotionally, they

can’t tolerate staying still or continuing to engage with a task—­usually
one that’s boring, frustrating, or tedious. From what people describe to
me, this seems to go beyond run-of-the-mill boredom and seems more
like an emotional urge that is very hard to resist. Examples of situations
that can induce these urges include waiting in line, filling out forms, or
being trapped in tedious conversation.
Like any urge, there are ways to manage these feelings and to
reduce their negative consequences. For example, while waiting, you
can engage in:

‰ A time crack task (page 61) to occupy your mind or body.

‰ Fidgeting or stimming.

If you must:

‰ Take a break from the task or situation—­especially one that

involves movement.
‰ Make sure the unfinished task is in your Task-­Tracking System
(page 17) with a note about exactly where you left off.

To manage these urges and try to calm your emotions in the

moment and re-­engage, you can also use:

‰ Your personal Emotional Antidotes (page 46)

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 128 Menu of Moves for Living Well

L C: I get so exhausted having to monitor my behavior all the time

and use all these tools to keep myself in check.

This struggle is real, and there’s a good reason for it. Self-­regulation
requires energy, and, for people with ADHD, engaging willpower
might deplete energy reserves faster than for others. Even as you’re
working toward your goals, think of living well with ADHD as a
marathon, not a sprint. You will need to take self-­regulation and restoration
breaks, and that is more than okay.
What’s most restorative varies from person to person, so it’s a good
idea to get curious about what kinds of activities fill up your personal
self-­regulation bucket the most. Jot down some ideas below.
Write down three activities that you don’t have to force yourself to
do that leave you feeling the most restored.

I could be wrong, but my guess is that “scrolling mindlessly on

Reddit” or “binge watching crappy true crime shows” might be
unlikely to show up on your personal restoration list.* These activities
wouldn’t show up on mine either, and yet these are the sorts of things I
find myself doing in my “free time” rather than truly restorative activities
like listening to my Nina Simone record collection, playing Jackbox
Games with my family, or sitting outside under the stars at night. It just
doesn’t occur to me to do things when I’m feeling tired and depleted.
How about you?
If you’re like me, I’m going to encourage you to:

‰ Develop a Restorative Fun Menu.

This is simply a list of enjoyable and restorative activities. You can

start with the three things you wrote above and then brainstorm more.

* In a recent study my lab conducted, we found that when people were avoiding household
chores, they were often engaging in screen time instead.

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 Manage Restlessness 129

Ideas for good menu items include creative hobbies that provide a sense
of accomplishment and engagement with the sensory world such as
arts, crafts, dance, sports and games, cooking, or learning and playing
music. Then:

‰ Post your Restorative Fun Menu somewhere you’ll see it often.

Then, when you find yourself with some free time, it’ll be easier
to think of these ways to spend your time. Better yet:

‰ Schedule restorative fun in your Calendar System (page 16) and

protect it fiercely.

If you’re struggling to fill your menu with items, check out this
list of 365 potentially pleasurable activities, the Fun Activities Catalogue,
offered by the Centre for Clinical Interventions in Western Austra-
lia: [Link]
Depression/Depression---Information-Sheets/Depression-Information-Sheet-
--[Link].

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 15
manage the urge
to act out when
you’re upset

“I am VERY patient until I’m not. It’s like I have no middle ground
here. Over the years I have learned to be ‘kinder’ when my emo-
tions overflow, but it’s still a very surprising thing for people I am
with. I know I have this problem, so it’s not a lack of awareness but
difficulties with down-­regulating strong feelings can really impact
my relationships.”

Although it’s not part of the “official” diagnosis, most adults with
ADHD report difficulties related to strong emotions—­especially nega-
tive emotions—and the way they react to situations that provoke these
emotions. Maybe you find that you’re quicker than most people to
become irritable, impatient, or upset in response to the delays and has-
sles of daily life (traffic jams, long lines, and frozen computer screens).
Or perhaps what you’ve said and done in anger has damaged your rela-
tionships with other people and kept you from being the person you

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 Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset 131

want to be with those you love. Maybe once you are upset it’s very
hard for you to calm yourself and see the situation from any alternative
perspectives.
It doesn’t feel good to experience these strong negative reactions,
and you may have found that this emotional impulsivity seems difficult
to control and hard to change. If so, you are not alone and it’s not too
surprising. Emotions evolved to motivate us to act, and they are a full
body and mind response, influencing what we feel physically, how our
minds focus and filter our experiences, and the kinds of reactions we
have. But fortunately we also know that people can use strategies to
manage and modify their emotional experiences and to channel emo-
tions in more constructive ways.
To identify which strategies might be the most helpful for you,
complete the self-­assessment that follows. Because of the powerful
effect of emotions on actions and the impact of ADHD on this pro-
cess, emotional impulsivity can be among the most difficult patterns for
adults with ADHD to change on their own. As always, if the ideas in
this chapter seem potentially helpful but you just can’t seem to imple-
ment them consistently on your own, you might benefit from working
with a cognitive-­behavioral therapist (see the Resources) who can sup-
port your efforts.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the next page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

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 132 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
In specific “trigger”
A
situations, I get upset
(page 132)
quickly and act out.
Once I’m upset, it’s really
B
hard for me to calm my
(page 134)
body.
When I’m upset, I can’t
C
seem to focus my mind on
(page 135)
anything else.
When I’m upset, it’s hard
D
to see the situation in a
(page 136)
way that’s not upsetting.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, at E
times I’m going to say and (page 139)
do things I later regret.

L A: In specific “trigger” situations, I get upset quickly and act out.

Try making a list of your impulsive emotion danger zones and your
responses. Think about the times when your strong emotional responses
have caused the most problems for you or your relationships. Maybe
it’s a conversation with a particularly challenging family member or
having to call customer service again or passing that slow driver who
refuses to move over to the right lane.
Write down your top three danger zones and your less-than-ideal
responses:

1. When           , I .
2. When           , I .
3. When           , I .

You’re going to work with this situation in two ways:

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 Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset 133

1. Identify ways you can minimize contact with these situations

or prep yourself for them.
2. Identify ways you can put Speed Bumps (page 47) between you
and impulsive actions.

First, for each situation, think of a way you could:

‰ Reduce contact with the situation and/or

‰ Enter the situation when you’re better emotionally prepared

For example, if telephone conversations with a particular family

member usually result in a shouting match, you could choose to com-
municate via email instead. You could schedule your telephone conver-
sations with this family member in your calendar rather than answering
the phone “on the fly” when you might be stressed out or distracted.
For each danger zone you wrote down, write down a strategy
you could use to limit exposure to the situation or control the circum-
stances so that you’re more emotionally prepared.

1.
2.
3.

Next, we’re going to look at the space between the situation and
your response to it and try to put some distance in there.

‰ Insert Speed Bumps (page 47) to delay your response.

A Speed Bump could be as simple as the classic “count to 10” rule,

but I’d like to encourage you to get more creative. For example, if my
problem response is to dash off a snarky email to my family member, I
can set up a rule in my email system that will delay the sending of any
email I send to that person for the length of time I specify. Then I have
the chance to recall the email when I cool down a little.

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 134 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Below, write out some Speed Bump ideas for any of the situations
you identified above.

L B: Once I’m upset, it’s really hard for me to calm my body.

Emotions are not “all in your head.” Instead, your whole body responds
when you experience an emotion—­especially strong, negative emo-
tions. To give your body the best chance to calm down when you
experience a strong emotion like anger, do what you can to:

‰ Leave the situation if at all possible.

This can be particularly hard to do if you’re feeling angry because

anger is an “approach” emotion that motivates you to act. Sometimes
the wisest thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation—
not permanently, necessarily, but long enough for your body and mind
to regulate itself.
For example, if you experience “road rage,” your instinct in the
moment will be to engage with whatever person you think has wronged
you. Instead, acting the opposite—that is, pulling over and disengag-
ing—might prevent an accident or other consequence you might later
regret.
If for some reason you’re unable to exit the situation, you may
need to:

‰ Insert Speed Bumps (page 47) to delay your response.

For example, if you can feel yourself becoming angry and frus-
trated during a meeting, you can unobtrusively set a timer on your
phone for 3 minutes and delay responding to the discussion until that
time is up. Even take a bathroom break if you can. During that time,
you could use tried-and-true deep breathing or other:

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 Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset 135

‰ Moments of Mindfulness (page 44)

These will be especially helpful if they’re ones you’ve practiced

before the challenging situation.

L C: When I’m upset, I can’t seem to focus my mind on

anything else.

Emotions don’t just live in the body; they also change the way your
brain processes information. Strong emotions—­ especially negative
ones—can focus your attention and memory on things that reinforce
and intensify those emotions. That’s why an argument tends to prompt
you to think of all the other times the person has irritated you, which
can feed into your current frustrated state. How can you try to broaden
and refocus your attentional lens?
Again, it might be a good idea to:

‰ Leave the situation if possible.

Give your brain a chance to reset (see above in Section B). While
you’re taking a break, it might be a good time to:

‰ Use an Emotional Antidote (page 46).

Refocusing your attention on an experience that’s incompatible

with your strong negative emotion might help turn down the vol-
ume. Humor, in particular, has a way of turning our perspective on its
head—in a good way—when we’re taking ourselves or the situation
too seriously.
Speaking of attention and perspective, remember that mindfulness
is all about paying attention on purpose without judgment. So perhaps
redirecting your attention toward something other than the triggering
irritation could be useful. Try using a:

‰ Moment of Mindfulness (page 44)

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 136 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Remember, however, that if you’re trying any of these strategies,

you may need to wait, wait . . . and then wait some more until your
body and brain are ready to re-­engage. That can be very hard when
you’re revved up, so if chronic acting out is a problem for you, it might
be helpful to have an:

‰ Accountability Partner (page 33)

Someone who knows your struggles might help coach you through
it when you’re upset.

L D: When I’m upset, it’s hard to see the situation in a way that’s not
upsetting.

When you’re upset, it can feel like there is only one possible (upsetting)
explanation for the situation that has upset you. Strong emotions not
only affect what you pay attention to and what comes to mind; they
influence your interpretation of the meaning of people’s words and
actions. When getting angry at someone, you’re more likely to assume
that their actions were intentional and personally directed toward you. Then
this interpretation stokes your negative feelings.
For example, imagine you’re driving along minding your own
business and someone cuts you off so that you have to hit your brakes
to avoid a collision. Most people probably don’t instinctively think “Ah,
well, I bet that person is worried about something stressful in their life
and they just didn’t notice. I wish them well!” (Okay, maybe you do,
but if so you’re a better person than I am.) Instead, most people prob-
ably instantaneously think something like “What the ****! Why are
you being a jerk to me?” and might even think it’s time for getting
even. And yet, my guess is we’ve all been that person who has cut someone
off accidentally at some point. Our brains just aren’t good at consider-
ing that alternative possibility—­especially in stressful situations that
require high alert, like driving. So thinking more flexibly is probably
going to take some practice.
A helpful strategy is to:

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 Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset 137

Recognize the story you’re telling yourself

about the situation.

Rarely do any of us have 100% of the facts about any situation.

Our emotional brains are going to fill in the blanks. And we can feel so
sure that the story we’re telling ourselves is accurate! This reminds me
of one of my favorite things on the internet—a video of a commence-
ment speech by the late David Foster Wallace entitled “This Is Water”
([Link] ). In the speech Wallace talks about get-
ting unstuck from our default setting, which is to make uncharitable
assumptions about other’s people behavior and to interpret their actions
as intentional and personal. And then these default setting interpreta-
tions feed our annoyance and frustration instead of broadening our
sense of a shared humanity. But I’m not doing it justice—please check
it out!
Back to the task at hand. Labeling your thoughts about a situation
as a story, which may or may not be true, can help you step back and
take stock of where you might be jumping to conclusions versus where
you might be having genuine insights.
Let’s practice. Think of a recent situation where another person
did something that you got upset about. Write down what the person
did below. Note: Do not write any interpretations, evaluations, or labels. Just
the facts of their words or actions that people other than you could also
have observed.

On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the most), how upset do you feel
about the situation now?    
Now ask yourself: What is the story I’m telling myself about these
actions? Include your assumptions about why the person did this
and what their intentions were.

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 138 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Important before we proceed: I am not saying that this person’s

actions might not have been harmful, unjust, or immoral. I’m only
asking you to examine your thinking about them.

Reread what you wrote and answer the following questions:

Were you making any assumptions about the causes of this

person’s actions? If so, what are alternative or additional
explanations?

Were you making any assumptions about this person’s intent or

purpose in taking these actions? If so, what are alternative or
additional explanations?

On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the most), how upset do you feel
about the situation now?    

Did you notice anything interesting? Did your emotional inten-

sity change? Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully, either way, this was good
practice for being able to step back from the stories you may be tell-
ing yourself when you’re upset. This re-­evaluation can help you make
wiser choices about how to respond.

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 Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset 139

Finally, think about how you can skillfully respond in situations

like this. Is there anything you would like to do about this specific
situation to resolve any remaining issues or prevent difficulties in the
future? For example, you could use Clear Requests from the Toolbox
(page 48) to express your perspective and ask the person to respond dif-
ferently in the future. Any other ideas?

Remember, thoughts and feelings are just that—not facts or things

that must control your actions. Changing your perspective and focus-
ing on strategies to improve the situation can turn down the volume
on your anger and frustration. If you want to practice using the strategy
of recognizing the story you’re telling yourself, you can incorporate it into:

‰ Self-­Coaching (page 40)

Finally, if you want to go deeper with the skills in this chapter,

especially if anger remains a problem for you, check out The Anger
Management Workbook by W. Robert Nay, PhD.

L E: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, at times I’m

going to say and do things I later regret.

It can be painful to acknowledge the times that we’ve said or

done things that we regret—things that may have harmed others. Our
automatic response might be to dismiss, minimize, or otherwise avoid
thinking about it. But if we do that, we miss the opportunity to do bet-
ter in the future, to be the people we want to be, and to make repairs
where we can. If the time is right, review Effective Apologies (page 50)
and consider taking that step. It won’t be easy, but it will probably be
worth it.

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 16
make thoughtful
decisions

“I’m a social guy and I really like helping people and making them
happy, but it means that I’m often promising more than I can
deliver. I’m also an optimist, and it’ll all work out, but sometimes
that means I get myself into trouble when it comes to decisions.”

Acting on impulse is something that many—but not all—adults with

ADHD struggle with. It makes sense that managing impulsivity is dif-
ficult, given that preventing impulsive actions first requires you to stop,
but stopping is exactly the problem. For that reason, learning to make
decisions more thoughtfully instead of on impulse will involve spend-
ing some time figuring out when you’re most vulnerable to impulsive
decisions and then setting up and, most importantly, practicing strate-
gies for slowing down in those situations.
You’ll notice that the descriptions of impulsive decisions in this
chapter emphasize decisions made when you’re feeling positive emo-
tions. Of course, negative emotions can motivate impulsive behavior
too. For additional strategies specific to negative emotions, see Chap-
ter 15 (page 130).

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 Make Thoughtful Decisions 141

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

To focus your efforts in this section, check off the area of decision mak-
ing you most want to work on:

‰ Spending money
‰ Getting involved in business ventures
‰ Making commitments or promises you can’t keep
‰ Using substances
‰ Having risky sex
‰ Other risky behavior:
‰ Other:

Next, read each statement below and on the next page and choose
the best answer for you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use
your answers to choose which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I act based on what feels
good or right in the A
moment, and then it gets (page 142)
me in trouble.
I probably say yes more
B
than I should just to please
(page 145)
other people.

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 142 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I tend to be overly
optimistic about how C
things will turn out and (page 145)
overlook the downsides.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, I’m D
going to make the wrong (page 148)
decision sometimes.

L A: I act based on what feels good or right in the moment, and

then it gets me in trouble.

I’m not trying to be a downer here—often it’s an amazing thing to

act on good feelings in the moment! But if you’re reading this, you’re
acknowledging that these kinds of decisions can get you into trouble.
So for the problem area you checked off on the previous page, commit
to the following rule:

When it comes to         , I will act based on a plan, not

a feeling.

Repeat this to yourself a few times.

What should your plan look like? There are at least three steps to
formulating your plan:

1. What is your goal?

2. What are the barriers to hitting this goal?
3. What is the plan to address those barriers?

For example, if your problem area is spending money impulsively on

eating out and takeout, your plan might look like this:

Goal: I want to stick to spending no more than $100 per month on

eating out and takeout.

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 Make Thoughtful Decisions 143

Barriers: Keeping track of the $100. Feeling too tired to cook.

Friends inviting me out for dinner.

Plan for barriers:

• I’ll put $100 into my Venmo from checking at the start of the
month for eating out.
• I’ll cook meals for the week on Sunday afternoons (which
I enjoy) and also have some cheap, ready-to-heat meals on
hand.
• I’ll let my good friends know about my eating-out budget-
ing goal and suggest cheaper places to eat or other activities
like going to the park or having them over for a movie and
microwave popcorn.

Let’s practice developing one of these plans.

Goal: For your problem area, what is a specific and reasonable goal
to start with?

Now reread your goal. Is it specific enough so that you’ll know

when you’ve accomplished it? For example, “spend less money on going
out to eat” is too vague because how much less is enough to count? $10?
$1? For goals, specific is always better. Revise your goal if needed.

Barriers: What’s going to get in the way of meeting your goal?

Where do you think you’ll go off track?

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 144 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Important: You might not (yet) know what all the barriers are!
And that’s okay—you’re just getting started. The truth is that you
probably won’t know what all the barriers are until one of them
causes your plan to fail! This is to be expected, and it’s a chance
to make your plan even better—though it can be hard to look
at it that way when your plans go off track. Another good tool
to identify barriers is a Choice Point Analysis (page 36), which
will help you identify the situations, thoughts, and feelings that
might be important to address in your plan.

Plan 1.0: Based on your goal and your guesses about barriers, write
out the steps you’ll take and the tools you’ll use to enact your plan.
Toolbox tools that could be especially helpful parts of your plan
include:

• Alarms, Reminders, and Prompts (page 23)

• Rewarding Consequences (page 29)
• Strategic Task Scheduling (page 31)
• Accountability Partners (page 33)
• Self-­Coaching (page 40)
• Emotional Antidotes (page 46)
• Speed Bumps (page 47)

If this turned into more than a practice exercise and you feel ready,
take the steps to enact your plan. Expect that you’ll need to modify it
as you go. If modifications are needed, make your Plan 2.0.

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 Make Thoughtful Decisions 145

L B: I probably say yes more than I should just to please

other people.

Refer to the strategies in Section B of Keep Your Commitments to

Others (Chapter 12, page 112).

L C: I tend to be overly optimistic about how things will turn out

and overlook the downsides.

Even if you’ve developed a plan for specific problem areas, life is going
to present you with decisions that you don’t plan for. Sometimes people
with ADHD run into trouble because they may be overly optimistic
about these decisions—seeing the possible upsides and either missing
or downplaying the possible costs and consequences. It’s true that there
are lots of psychological benefits to a generally optimistic outlook on
life, and I’m not here to “yuck your yum” when it comes to having a
hopeful perspective. But because you’ve indicted some awareness that
you might tend to be overly optimistic, following are some strategies
for more balanced decision making.
To practice, choose a “yes/no” decision you made recently or one
that you’ll be making in the near future. If you can’t think of anything,
just make up an example.

Deciding whether or not to: .

‰ Next, fill in the chart on the next page with the pros and cons
of doing and not doing this thing.
‰ Finally, give each pro or con a rating, 1–10, based on how pro-y
or con-y each of them is.

Note: I don’t recommend just adding up your scores to figure out what
decision to make. The point of the number labeling is just to help you
reflect on how important each reason is to you.
On page 147 is an example of what I might have written when
deciding whether to write this book.

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 DECISION-­M AKING PROS AND CONS
Pros Cons

Doing
the thing

Not doing
the thing

From Living Well with Adult ADHD by Laura E. Knouse and Russell A. Barkley. Copyright © 2026
The Guilford Press. Permission to photocopy this material, or to download enlarged printable ver-
sions ([Link]/knouse-­materials), is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use; see
copyright page for details.

146

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 Make Thoughtful Decisions 147

Pros Cons

Helping more people with

ADHD—10 Time ­consuming—8
Doing the Looks good on résumé—3
thing More stress/anxiety/
Book royalties—2 pressure—8
(Writing
the book) Can be creative—8 Worry that it won’t be any
Satisfying to use my good—2
expertise—5

Not doing More time for other Miss opportunity to do

the thing projects—5 something in line with my
(Not values—4
More time with family—10
writing Might not have another
the book) Avoid stress/anxiety—1 opportunity like this again—4

How does this exercise help? First, it forces you to think about
both the pros and the cons of a particular course of action. Second, ask-
ing you to reflect on the consequences of not choosing to do a particu-
lar thing can reveal opportunity costs, or hidden consequences of saying
yes to something that will take up time you won’t be able to devote to
other pursuits. Finally, the importance ratings help you reflect on your
own values. You can use this technique anytime you want to slow your
roll and consider a decision in a more balanced way (the blank form
is available to download and print at [Link]/knouse-­materials).
Decision making is also a very wise time to employ:

‰ Accountability Partners (page 33) and Support Communities

(page 52)

People in your life can be a great sounding board for talking

through your decision and helping you see it from more angles. You
can even play devil’s advocate and practice arguing in favor of the
choice you’re leaning away from, which can also provide perspective.

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 148 Menu of Moves for Living Well

L D: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going

to make the wrong decision sometimes.

Even if you’re the wisest person in the world, you’re going to make
decisions that don’t turn out the way you planned. This can bring up
especially difficult feelings if in retrospect you recognize that your
decision-­making process was hasty or unbalanced. Again, sometimes
the only way you can learn what the barriers and roadblocks are is by
running up against them. The best you can do is to learn and move for-
ward. Apologize (Effective Apologies, page 50) if you need to (maybe
to yourself ), ask for help (Clear Requests, page 48), and make a plan to
improve the situation you’re in and make wiser decisions in the future.

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 17
reduce the impact
of ADHD on your
relationships

“ADHD has definitely made relationships harder, especially in my

20s. Learning to have the confidence to look for good people,
relationships, and friends helps, but it took me a long time to get
the courage to do that. Everyone has flaws, and knowing you’re a
good person is important. Get out there and find social groups that
fit. Strive to keep any commitments you make to others to build
trust. Disregard toxic people and work on keeping the good ones
in your life. They are everywhere. And definitely learn when to
keep your inner thoughts inner.”

For many people, a core component of living well is cultivating healthy,

sustaining relationships. For many people with ADHD, relationships
are an important source of support and strength. At the same time,
ADHD-related challenges can make it more difficult to be who you
want to be in your relationships. The purpose of this chapter is to help
you reflect on the ways that common ADHD-related challenges might
be impacting your relationships and to direct you to some strategies—
mostly in other chapters of this book.

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 150 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Importantly, the purpose of this chapter is not to address every pos-

sible challenge you could be facing in your relationships. If working through
this chapter leads you to the realization that you need to go deeper to
address problems in your relationships, you could consider couples or
family counseling (see the Resources, page 212). For marriages and
intimate partnerships, I also recommend the research-­backed work of
Dr. John Gottman, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work and, more recently, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Con-
flict into Connection, coauthored with his wife and fellow psychologist,
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. For ADHD-specific resources, check out
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? by Gina Pera or ADHD After Dark by
Ari Tuckman.

Important: People with ADHD are more likely to find themselves

in relationships that include intimate partner violence, as either
the recipient or perpetrator. So if you are feeling unsafe in any of
your relationships, reach out to the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. To
repeat, this chapter is about strategies for your actions in rela-
tionships—not comprehensive help for these complex dynamics.

Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement on the facing page and choose the best answer for
you by putting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose
which sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

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 Reduce the Impact of ADHD on Your Relationships 151

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I don’t follow through on
the things I say I’m going A
to do, and people think I (page 151)
don’t care.
People complain that I B
don’t listen to them. (page 153)
I get upset with people
C
and say or do things I later
(page 153)
regret.
I make impulsive decisions
D
that negatively impact
(page 153)
people I care about.
People I’m close to don’t
E
know about my ADHD or
(page 153)
don’t understand it.
Someone close to me does
a lot of work to help me
F
manage my life, and I
(page 155)
sometimes resent it or take
them for granted.
I’m a human being, which
means no matter what, I’m G
going to make mistakes in (page 156)
my relationships.

L A: I don’t follow through on the things I say I’m going to do,

and people think I don’t care.

The following chapters might be helpful in improving follow-­through

with your commitments, depending on where the follow-­through pro-
cess breaks down for you. Choose one of the following that seems most
relevant and start there.
If it seems right to you, tell your loved one what you’re working on
so that they can see and support the efforts you’re making.

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 152 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Show Up on Time (Chapter 4)

‰ Remember and Remember to Do Things (Chapter 5)
‰ Plan and Prioritize (Chapter 7)
‰ Get Started and Restarted (Chapter 9)
‰ Stick With It and Wrap Up (Chapter 10)
‰ Keep Your Commitments to Others (Chapter 12)

In addition to these chapters, here are two strategies that might be

helpful in coordinating your life with others in your family. These are
two tools that my family can’t function without. The first is:

‰ Shared Online Calendars

Many online calendar systems have the ability to share events. My

husband, our 15-year-old, and I all keep separate Google Calendars
with the ability to see the events on each other’s calendars. Most helpful
is the ability to invite other people to events that are relevant to them—
for example, inviting my husband when I add a social event with our
friends or adding my son to his scheduled dental appointments. This
system prevents a lot of miscommunication and allows us to remind
each other of what’s coming up.
Another family organization tool is a:

‰ Household Events Calendar (page 67)

In our house, this is a small weekly whiteboard calendar posted

in our kitchen. At the start of the week, we write key events from
our Google calendars on the weekly whiteboard calendar, so we can
all see what’s coming up and identify any conflicts or overlaps. Events
include social events, extracurricular activities, appointments, or any
other nonroutine occurrence throughout the week. Some families
use a monthly posted calendar, but we find that focusing on just the
upcoming week (along with our shared Google Calendars) works well.
If you personally are struggling with follow-­through, suggesting
these mutual solutions to your loved ones just might benefit everyone.

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 Reduce the Impact of ADHD on Your Relationships 153

L B: People complain that I don’t listen to them.

The following Menu chapters might be helpful in this area, depending

on where the process breaks down for you. Choose one that seems most
relevant and start there. If it seems right to you, tell your loved ones
what you’re working on so that they can see and support the efforts
you’re making.

‰ Switch Gears When You Need To (manage hyperfocus) (Chap-

ter 11)
‰ Absorb Information (Chapter 13)
‰ Make Thoughtful Decisions (Chapter 16)

L C: I get upset with people and say or do things I later regret.

Review the chapter below and, if it seems right to you, tell your loved
ones what you’re working on so that they can see and support the
efforts you’re making.

‰ Manage the Urge to Act Out When You’re Upset (Chapter 15)

L D: I make impulsive decisions that negatively impact people I

care about.

Review the chapter below and, if it seems right to you, tell your loved
ones what you’re working on so that they can see and support the
efforts you’re making.

‰ Make Thoughtful Decisions (Chapter 16)

L E: People I’m close to don’t know about my ADHD or don’t

understand it.

Deciding to disclose your ADHD struggles is a very personal decision.

It’s a good idea to consider whether the person you want to talk to is

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 154 Menu of Moves for Living Well

equipped to respond to you in an open, supportive way. I think of it

like this: Imagine you have just spent two days building a model of
Notre Dame cathedral out of popsicle sticks and wood glue. (I have
no idea why you would do this, but just go with me.) The glue has
dried, so it’s not too delicate, but you still have to exercise care when
holding it. Would you hand your delicate creation to your 3-year-old
nephew? Probably not. Likewise, you might want to be thoughtful
when ­considering who to disclose to about your ADHD. Is this person
equipped to support you? To “hold” this important information about
you?
If the people in your life don’t seem ready to hold your popsicle
stick cathedral, there are steps you can take to open things up. Chil-
dren and Adults with ADHD (CHADD) has accessible educational
resources about ADHD that you can share at [Link]
overview. The book When an Adult You Love Has ADHD by Dr. Barkley
might also be a resource for your family members. Skeptical folks may
be more receptive if you can emphasize how your ADHD diagnosis is
helping you zero in on strategies that work for you—such as the ones
in this book. For example, instead of:

You need to understand that I don’t mean to do these things—it’s my

ADHD.

try:

I know I’ve had trouble keeping my word to you in the past and that’s
been stressful for you. I’m working on some strategies to get better at follow-­
through that are designed for people with ADHD. Can I tell you about
what I’m working on?

If your loved one seems receptive, you can decide whether you’d
like to request some support. If you need help figuring out how to ask
for it, review:

‰ Clear Requests (page 48)

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 Reduce the Impact of ADHD on Your Relationships 155

Despite your best efforts, it’s possible that not everyone in your life
will “get” your ADHD and provide the kind of support you’d like. But
for empathy and emotional support for your efforts at ADHD-related
change, seek out:

‰ Support Communities (page 52)

L F: Someone close to me does a lot of work to help me manage

my life, and I sometimes resent it or take them for granted.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. People

bring different strengths to relationships. If your loved one’s strength
is executive functioning, then it’s not necessarily bad if the division of
labor is such that they take on more of the management tasks—so long
as this arrangement is satisfying to both people and no one is feeling
overtaxed or that the relationship is out of balance.
But if your answers to the questions at the beginning of this chap-
ter led you here, you’re either feeling some resentment about your loved
one’s level of involvement or you’re worried they may be feeling over-
burdened. Either way, you’re going to want to have a conversation with
your loved one to learn more about their perspective, to share yours,
and—if applicable—to renegotiate some aspects of your relationship.
For example, if you feel that your loved one is overly involved in your
life, you may want to ask them to check in less frequently or allow you
the opportunity to try managing certain aspects of your life. If you are
worried your loved one seems frustrated and overburdened, you may
want to find out what they’re taking on that’s most stressful for them
and work on some strategies to better share the load.
In planning out this conversation, it can be helpful to include the
elements on page 156—a variation on the Clear Requests (page 48).
Two elements to highlight here are expressing gratitude and really
listening. Expressing gratitude acknowledges the positive intent of your
loved one. Really listening (Chapter 13, Section D, page 121) validates
their perspective and allows you to gather information toward a solu-
tion.

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 156 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Elements to Consider Including in a Conversation about Support

Asking for less support Offering more support

Describe the Mom, I noticed that you Hon, I noticed that

situation ( just call to check in on me lately you seem more
the facts). about three times a day withdrawn and stressed
to make sure I’m doing out. I know you’re
what I’m supposed to. doing a lot to manage
everyone’s schedule,
including mine and the
kids’.
Express gratitude. I’m really thankful that I want you to know I
you care so much about see this and appreciate
me and how I’m doing. everything that you’re
doing.
Give your When you call so often, But I feel like things
perspective. it sometimes feels like are out of balance and I
you don’t trust me to may not be pulling my
handle things. Also, I weight here.
can’t always answer that
many calls without being
distracted by them.
Ask for their What do you think? What do you think?
perspective and really (Listen to understand, (Listen to understand,
listen (Chapter 13, not respond.) not respond.)
Section D, page 121).
Negotiate a solution. (You may decide to have (You may decide that
a daily check-in via text you will take the lead
at a certain time and a on setting up a family
weekly phone call on calendar or other
Sunday nights.) system to help manage
scheduling load.)

L G: I’m a human being, which means no matter what, I’m going

to make mistakes in my relationships.

This might just be the truest statement in this book. Even in the best
relationships, people let each other down. When you are struggling
with ADHD, it can be easy to feel like relationship problems are all

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 Reduce the Impact of ADHD on Your Relationships 157

your fault—­something that you can’t change. But you have the ability
to take control of your part in your relationships; to seek out new, sup-
portive people to help you be your best self; and to reduce investment
in the relationships in your life that aren’t serving you. And if you’ve
hurt someone, it is never too late to apologize (Effective Apologies,
page 50) and commit to positive change.

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 18
organize stuff
and space

“I have these DOOM piles all over the place: things that I Didn’t
Organize, Only Moved.”

People with ADHD often struggle to keep their homes, offices, desks,
cars, and other physical spaces organized and neat. Home organiza-
tion has become more difficult over time in the United States for most
people because the average American home contains a lot more stuff
than it used to. If you’re reading this chapter, your struggles in this area
have probably caused some problems in your life.
We’re going to start this chapter a little differently for reasons that
will become clear in the next section.

Examine Your Motivation

Check all the reasons below that you want to work on better organiz-
ing your spaces:

158

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 Organize Stuff and Space 159

‰ My space is truly unsanitary (rotting food; pet excrement).*

‰ The disorganization means I can’t find the things I need.
‰ The presence of the mess stresses me (or someone very impor-
tant to me) out.
‰ I feel better when my things are organized.
‰ I’m afraid people will think less of me if they know my space
is messy.
‰ A competent person’s home is neat and organized.

Why examine your reasons for wanting to be more organized?

Keeping things neat and organized will require an investment of your
time and energy, so it’s good to figure out what your return on invest-
ment for these efforts is likely to be. This will help you reflect on the
extent to which your desire for organization is about actually improving
your quality of life compared to meeting a perceived standard. Reasons at the
top and middle of the list are related to quality of life, while those near
the bottom are about meeting a standard.
I will admit that I have a strong bias on this issue. My house is
almost always in some state of disorganization. I’d say it’s mostly messy,
not dirty. We’ve got two kids, and they have a lot of stuff (although
it’s not all their fault, to be clear), and we, overall, just have too much
stuff. On a semi-daily basis we pick up the trash, dirty dishes, and dirty
clothes and put those where they need to go. We clean obvious messes
and, from time to time, do a massive clean-out/clean-up of a particular
area. When people are coming over, we tidy and clean the spaces that
they’ll see. But at this stage of our lives, that’s about it.
I used to feel guilty about this. I used to think that when I eventu-
ally “got it all together” in life I’d be able to maintain a neat and tidy
house—like the aspirational Better Homes and Gardens magazine on our
coffee table. Growing up, I remember my mom frequently expressing
her own guilt about this issue—even though our house was far less

* If this describes you and you have great difficulty throwing things away and your house
is overrun with clutter, we recommend you speak with a mental health professional. You
may benefit from strategies to help people who engage in hoarding, an anxiety-­related
disorder.

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 160 Menu of Moves for Living Well

cluttered than mine is now.* But is the guilt over a messy house and
the energy we use to avoid it a wise use of our resources?
My take: There is nothing morally superior about a neat and tidy
house. I have decided to (mostly) stop caring unless the mess is impact-
ing our quality of life. That’s just not where we are choosing to spend
our time right now, and that’s okay. Of course, it is totally valid if you
or others have different preferences about your own home. The “mess
is okay” position isn’t in any way superior either. Some people derive a
great sense of calm and pride from having a neat home. And if you’re
with a partner who feels this way, you’ll need to find a compromise
position and respect their preferences too. But it’s up to you to decide what
matters.

Set Your Priorities

Examining your motivations to get organized can help you set your
priorities. Which physical spaces will you spend your time and energy
on? You’re more likely to be successful if you focus on making specific
changes in one area. Maybe it’s your messy bedroom that stresses you
out or a disorganized desk that’s causing you to waste time looking for
things. To figure this out, gather some data by doing an:

‰ Organization Audit

Take a day or two and, as you move through the spaces in your life,
take note of where disorganized spaces cause problems for you. Then
answer the following questions:

Which disorganized spaces in your life cause you the most

problems? Consider the time you take searching for things and
any conflicts that the mess causes in your life.

* In most families, the burden of housework and the stigma of a messy house falls dispro-
portionately on women.

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 Organize Stuff and Space 161

Looking back at your list, which space do you want to focus on

first? You can choose based on what’s causing the most problems
or where you feel like change is the most possible.
I’ll focus on:

Next, based on your observations, identify three changes in this

space that would improve things the most. Here’s an example for my
bedroom:

• Keep clothes and shoes off the floor—in hamper, hung up/on
shoe rack, or on the “transition chair”*
• Keep dresser drawers closed (reason: open drawers specifically
annoy my usually chill husband)
• Keep jewelry items off dresser top

Below, write down your three changes for the space you
identified:

1.

2.

3.

* This is a chair where I put clothing items that could be worn again before washing. I used
to feel guilty about this chair until I heard an organization expert on a podcast praise it as
a practice that helps the environment!

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 162 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Engineer Your Environment

The way you set up your spaces will influence whether you will main-
tain your changes. A key idea here is to place objects in your physical
space at the point of performance. Put more simply, you’ll set up your
spaces so that you have what you need when and where you want an
action to happen. This is a variation on the idea of a prompt (page 23)
For example, if you always get undressed in your bathroom, put your
dirty clothes hamper . . . in the bathroom, not in a completely separate
room. If you need a spatula 90% of the time you cook on your stove,
put the spatulas in a crock by the stove, not in a drawer on the other
side of the kitchen. An example I shared earlier in the book from a
former student is putting your condiments in the refrigerator crisper
drawers and your fresh produce on the door shelves, so you’ll see it and
use it more easily. Little “nudges” like this can increase the efficiency of
your behavior and reduce the load on your self-­regulation.
I take inspiration from pioneering industrial psychologist Lillian
Gilbreth, who designed the modern kitchen by observing how real
users interacted with their environment. Gilbreth invented those refrig-
erator door shelves as well as the step trash can and the standard kitchen
counter height. I encourage you to be your own Lillian Gilbreth and
get excited about the ways you could set up your environment to make
your life more efficient.
In engineering your environment, another useful idea is the desire
path. In the field of design and engineering, a desire path is some indi-
cation in the environment of how people are naturally using the space.
For example, people may cut across a lawn from one sidewalk to the
other, literally wearing a path through the grass. Designers observe this
and then may modify the walkway to fit the desire path. You can be on
the lookout for desire paths in your home as well. Where do you drop
your clothes when they don’t make it to the hamper? Put the hamper
there. On what flat surface are you leaving stray items? Put a tray or bin
there. Observing desire paths won’t solve all your problems, but it will
make sticking with changes easier. Also, I find it pretty fun.
Here are a few ideas to consider as you engineer your environ-
ment:

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 Organize Stuff and Space 163

• Create Home Bases (see Chapter 6, page 72) for items you lose a
lot and put the Home Base in a location where it’s easy to use—
for example, a hook for your keys right inside the door.
• Put a bin or tray on flat surfaces where you often leave things.
• Put needed items where you can most easily grab them—for
example, empty hangers all together at the end of the rack.
• Put a car-sized trash can in the spot in your car where you find
empty food wrappers.

For your three target changes, consider the idea of point of perfor-
mance and desire paths and make any changes to your environment to
support the behavior you want to see. Write your engineering moves
here:

Get Rid of Stuff

The less stuff you have, the less stuff you have to manage. This topic
could be—and is!—the subject of entire books. Recently, some adults
with ADHD on TikTok have recommended taking each object and
asking themselves, if it were covered with poop, would you clean it and
keep it? If not, get rid of it. This tactic of associating disgust with an
item can force you to decide whether you really want to keep some-
thing.
If the thought of sorting through all your DOOM piles seems
overwhelming, don’t just toss out the entire pile of stuff (known as
“tossing”), as some people on Dr. Barkley’s YouTube channel said they
did with much regret. There are often important items in there (like a
passport, phone charger, cash or credit cards, and so on). So start with
the Rule of 10 or the Two-­M inute Rule: Set the goal of acting on 10
separate items—keep/donate/throw away—or set a timer for 2 minutes

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 164 Menu of Moves for Living Well

and do the same. Then move on to doing something else for a bit, com-
ing back to do another chunk later. (Timers will be very helpful here.)
Being an indiscriminate “tosser,” getting so fed up with your DOOM
piles that you throw all the stuff out, could lead to your inadvertently
tossing important things you need.
I also recommend this concise, humorous, and helpful article in The
New Yorker by Patricia Marx: [Link]/magazine/2022/02/28/
a-guide-to-­getting-rid-of-­almost-everything-­decluttering. Among Marx’s rec-
ommendations, I’d like to highlight the amazingness of gifting economies.
These are groups set up on online platforms like Facebook where peo-
ple freely gift unwanted items to others, request free items, and express
gratitude for the gifts they receive. You can always sell your stuff on
Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or take a load of stuff to your local
charity thrift store (and please do), but there can be something uniquely
rewarding and satisfying about knowing you are generously fulfilling
someone’s specific need by getting rid of your stuff. I am a member
of a hyperlocal Facebook group like this—a gifting group—and I have
been able to get rid of lots of unwanted items and pick up some things
I actually need.* (And if I don’t end up needing them, I pass them back
to the group.) Freecycle is another popular online platform for gifting.
No matter what method you choose, do some stuff purging and you
will have less to manage.

Build the Habit: Tidying Rituals

Returning to the three changes you identified on page 161, the last
step—and frankly the most difficult—is to start building the habit-
ual behavior that will maintain the change. What’s going to remind
you to keep up with your changes? It helps to think of establishing
tidying rituals to maintain organization. If you can tag your tidying to

* This group started out as a Buy Nothing group, but Buy Nothing has changed a lot and
is now an app instead of a local gifting movement. Try searching Facebook for “gifting
group” as that’s what many of these groups changed their names to.

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 Organize Stuff and Space 165

certain times of day or certain other events in your life, it will help you
remember to tidy and move this behavior from having to think about
it consciously to an automatic habit. In particular, you can use Alarms,
Reminders, and Prompts (page 23) to help cue the behavior.
For example, here are tidying rituals I could develop for my three
target changes, along with a reminder:

• Keep clothes and shoes off the floor—put these items in the
hamper, on the rack, or on the “transition chair” right away.
Just before bed, scan the floor and put stray on-the-floor items
where they go.
• Keep dresser drawers closed—do this whenever you walk away
from the dresser and during your before-bed check.
• Keep jewelry items off your dresser top—put items directly in
the tray during before-bed check.
• Post a reminder on your bedroom or bathroom mirror of the
three things that should happen during before-bed check.

Write out your tidying rituals for each of the three changes you identi-
fied. Be sure to consider how you could use Alarms, Reminders, and
Prompts to cue the behavior.

When You Just Need to Blitz Clean

Sometimes you just need to do what I call blitz cleaning and give a space
a full overhaul—like before a party or when you (or your partner) just
can’t stand the clutter another moment. But sometimes you just feel so
tired. You need some strategies to get moving. In these cases, any of the
strategies in Chapter 9 could be applied to cleaning and organizing:

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 166 Menu of Moves for Living Well

‰ Get Started and Restarted

For example, you could set a timer for 10 minutes and see how
much you and your other family members can tidy in that time. Another
thing our family does is employ one of those currently popular three-
level rolling craft carts. Someone is tasked with walking around the
house picking up stray items and putting them in the cart. When the
cart is full, the person goes through the items and either throws them
out or puts them back where they belong. And instead of one big “junk
drawer,” we have an old library card catalog, and we put small items
in each labeled drawer—such as pens, paper clips, batteries, rulers, and
so on. It’s kind of fun to sort the items, and we always know where we
can find these things without digging through a drawer. I share these
examples because they illustrate the creative solutions that are possible
to help manage your stuff. Get excited about what you might discover!

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 19
find your fit at work
or school

“After working in restaurant jobs for 20-plus years, I finally found

my career path—it was working with dogs. First, I was a dog
walker. Then I became a dog trainer and behavior consultant. This
has been such a great fit for me. I also found that I love giving
group lessons to dog owners, which was a huge surprise because I
don’t like public speaking. I find leading these groups so much fun:
It’s active, the people come and go, so I get to meet new people and
dogs and work with them—so there is continuing novelty. I also
get to (over)share what I know, and I am providing much needed
support to the owners and their dogs. Networking with lots of
other dog-­related professionals has led me to believe that many
people who have chosen this career are probably neurodivergent.”

Most people in industrialized nations spend the majority of their lives

learning in school and working at a formal job. ADHD can have a pro-
found impact on both of these areas of life, so this chapter is designed
to zero in on problems in these areas. However, keep in mind that the
entire rest of this book contains skills that could help with specific
problems at work or school. Here we will focus on some issues not
covered elsewhere.

167

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Self-­Assessment and Roadmap

Read each statement below and choose the best answer for you by put-
ting a checkmark (ü) in the box. Use your answers to choose which
sections to review.

• A lot like me!—Definitely review this section!

• Somewhat like me—­Review this section if you need additional
ideas.
• Not like me—This section doesn’t seem to apply to you, so skip
it if you want.

Not Somewhat A lot Sections

like me like me like me! to review
I think my job or what
I’m studying in school
might not be the best A
fit for my strengths and (page 168)
weaknesses—­including my
ADHD-related challenges.
I think some modifications
to my work or school B
environment could help (page 172)
me function better.
I’m afraid ADHD is going
to prevent me from having C
the degree or career I (page 175)
really want.

L A: I think my job or what I’m studying in school might not be

the best fit for my strengths and weaknesses—­including my
ADHD-related challenges.

Congratulations on having the wisdom to step back and reflect on

whether your current path is the right one! Seriously, this is hard to do

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 Find Your Fit at Work or School 169

because it seems like everyone (at least in the United States) is expected
to have a quick and confident answer to the question “What do you
do?” or “What are you studying in school?” When you’re young, you
can feel a lot of pressure to get on a well-­defined track and follow it—­
whether that’s the track you really want, the track that your parents
expect of you, or the track that’s simply most convenient to get on at
the moment. Switching gears can be difficult—but if done thoughtfully,
with self-­awareness and a good plan, it can offer benefits. Especially if you
get on a path that’s a better fit for your strengths and values.
Finding a good fit at work and school may be even more important
for people with ADHD. The self-­regulation challenges that accompany
the disorder make it difficult for some people to do well in “traditional”
work environments—like “desk jobs” that require intense focus or less
structured environments that require a lot of self-­direction. One adult
with ADHD pointed out something that I think is very valuable: that it’s
really important to find a job that aligns with your values and ethics. Pay-
ing attention and controlling your impulses is even harder when you’re
doing something that requires you to go against your moral compass.
In psychology, finding your fit is known as niche picking, which is
when people seek out environments that work best with their charac-
teristics. So you can think of the process of identifying better-­fitting
careers as finding your niche. Not everyone would be an equally good
fit for every job or program, so just because you’ve run into problems
in your current career doesn’t mean there might not be a better niche
out there for you. The challenge of course is to figure out what niches
might be a better fit and how to get into them.

‰ Begin to Reflect.

Start by reflecting on the following:

What are some things that you really care about? What gives you
a sense of accomplishment?

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 170 Menu of Moves for Living Well

What are some things that you could do for hours without
outside prompting?

What are you are good at? What are your strengths (so far)?

Have you had any work or volunteer experiences that you

really enjoyed or felt successful at? What was it about them that
appealed to you?

Where and when do you like to work? Do you prefer to be

outdoors or indoors? Physically moving or sitting? Interacting
with people or solitary? A 9-to-5 or a changing work schedule?
Traveling or staying put?

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Did you notice anything interesting or surprising about what you

wrote? Of course, not everything you find enjoyable that you’re good at is a
viable pathway to supporting yourself financially.* But identifying elements
of a career that might appeal to your strengths can point you in some
useful directions you might not have thought of otherwise.

‰ Take it to the pros.

Finding your niche may be a lifelong journey, but there are people
who are trained to help you along the way. Next, you might set up
an appointment with a professional career counselor. Take along your
answers to the questions above and begin the process. Why? Profes-
sionals are aware of more career fields than you can even imagine, and
they know which of these fields are in demand and what the training
requirements are.
If you’re in the United States, you can get free career counsel-
ing through American Job Centers. These government-­funded cen-
ters provide a range of job services under one roof, including career
counseling. Visit [Link]/LocalHelp/AmericanJobCenters/
find-­american-job-­[Link] to find a center near you. (I found four
centers within a 25-mile radius of my house.) Also, if you are an alum-
nus of a college or university, you may be able to receive career services
through your university’s career center. Something to check out! And
for ideas as well as inspiration, Google “ADHD success stories” to see
the myriad celebrities, athletes, musicians, entrepreneurs, and others
who have done very well despite having ADHD.
When you have identified some fields of interest, next talk to
people who actually do that work. Unless you’ve done a job, you
probably don’t see all the day-to-day details and, potentially, the not-
so-fun aspects of that career. (Ask me about being a professor and how
we supposedly “get the summers off.”) They can also give you the
best advice about how to pursue their line of work. How can you find
someone to talk to? The career center could help, but the easiest way

* At one point in college, I nearly followed the path to being a professional classical singer.
Because of the degree of “hustle” needed to be a professional musician and the uncertainty
of securing your next gig, I decided I wanted it to be my lifelong amateur passion, and that
was the right choice for me.

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might be to search for message boards related to that field on sites like
Reddit and post some questions about that career area.* You can also
“cold email” people in that field who have their contact information
posted online (email me about being a professor!) or ask around in your
social network.
Once you have identified the niche you’d like to pick, you’ll prob-
ably need to use the tools in other parts of this book to set goals, make
a plan, and take the next step. The following chapters may be particu-
larly helpful:

‰ Plan and Prioritize (Chapter 7)

‰ Get Started and Restarted (Chapter 9)
‰ Stick with It and Wrap Up (Chapter 10)
‰ Make Thoughtful Decisions (Chapter 16)

L B: I think some modifications to my work or school environment

could help me function better.

In the United States, adults with ADHD may qualify for reasonable
accommodations in higher education or the workplace under the Ameri-
cans with Disabilities Act (ADA). An accommodation is an adjustment
to the environment or to a task—for example, installing a wheelchair
ramp, providing reading materials in Braille, or allowing work to be
performed in a quiet office space. In higher education, a common
accommodation is allowing additional time to complete a test if a per-
son’s disability affects their mental processing speed. In educational
settings the purpose of an accommodation is to allow a person with a
disability to have equal access to and participation in a school’s pro-
grams. In the workplace, accommodations allow a person with a dis-
ability who is otherwise qualified for the job to perform its essential
functions.
Because the ADA is a federal law, there’s a lot of nitty-­g ritty when
it comes to the terminology and details about who qualifies and what

* Don’t just read posts from people in the field, because they may just be venting. Be sure
to ask a question that allows people to talk about both the pros and the cons.

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 Find Your Fit at Work or School 173

institutions are required to do. I recommend this web page by CHADD,

which does a nice job of parsing the legalese: [Link]
legal-­rights-in-­higher-education-and-the-­workplace. In addition, ADA infor-
mation specialists are ready to answer your questions via a confidential
national toll-free hotline at 1-800-949-4232 (Monday–­Friday, 9:00
A.M.–5:00 P.M., Eastern).
Before deciding to request accommodations:

• Think about what aspects of ADHD interfere most with your

ability to access your education or perform your job duties.
• Then think about what adjustments to your environment or
tasks could help. Some of the ideas you encounter in other parts
of this book might be great accommodations!
• If you do identify solutions, you may be able to ask to put these
in place without formally requesting accommodations. How-
ever, if you need adjustments that involve major changes to the
physical environment or exceptions to class or company policy,
you will likely need to make a formal request.

Accommodations in Higher Education

In higher education, accommodations are intended to allow a person
with disabilities to have equal access to their educational program.
Accommodations don’t involve changes to academic standards or pro-
gram requirements. For example, students might receive an accom-
modation of taking their test in a place with fewer distractions than the
classroom, but they would take exactly the same test. This web page
from the Department of Education describes the process for requesting
accommodations: [Link]/about/offices/list/ocr/[Link]. Here’s
a step-by-step outline:

1. Find out what your school requires to request accom-

modations. Most schools have a disability services office or coordi-
nator, and information about the process should be available on their
website. If not, a quick email should point you in the right direction.
For example, here is the web page for the University of Richmond’s

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 174 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Disability Services Office: [Link] Review the

available information about your school’s requirements to receive
accommodations and take notes.
2. Get your documentation. Schools vary in the documenta-
tion they will require to verify your need for accommodations. Many
schools will require you to provide a psychological evaluation report
or doctor’s letter that verifies that you have a disability and makes the
case for specific accommodations. This step can be lengthy and, if you
haven’t received a formal evaluation and your school requires it, costly
as well. Other schools may accept less formal documentation or, for
example, an Individualized Education Program (IEP) from high school.
3. Request your accommodations. The school will have a
process for submitting your documentation and making your request.
Some schools will have you meet with a counselor in their office to
discuss which accommodations might be most helpful; for others you’ll
need to do your homework to determine what might be best.
4. Discuss accommodations with professors. At most
schools, each semester you will be provided with documentation of
your accommodations that you can give to each of your professors. This
documentation will not say that you have ADHD; rather, it will outline
the accommodations you have been granted. Because each course has
its own structure and policies, it’s good to have a meeting with each
professor to discuss how best to arrange the accommodation in their
class. For example, if a class has 10-minute quizzes at the start of each
class period and you have been granted “time and a half ” testing time,
you may need to get to class 5 minutes early to start your quizzes.
5. Troubleshoot as needed. If you have any difficulty getting
your approved accommodations, circle back to your disability services
office or coordinator, who can help negotiate solutions.

Accommodations in the Workplace

Requesting and obtaining workplace accommodations for ADHD is an
area that I will admit I am much less familiar with. I also think the pro-
cess is less standardized than it is for higher education settings, which

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 Find Your Fit at Work or School 175

tend to have administrative offices devoted to managing such requests.

If your workplace has a human resources department, this is where you
would go to get the accommodations process started. If not, the pro-
cess is likely to be less formalized. As in higher education, requesting
accommodations in the workplace will likely require that you obtain
documentation of your disability and need for accommodations from a
health care provider, which may require a formal evaluation if you have
not already had one.
But beware: It is wise to “assess the room” by determining how
disability friendly and accommodating your workplace has been to
others before disclosing your own ADHD. There are numerous sto-
ries on Dr. Barkley’s YouTube channel on this topic (Should You Dis-
close Your ADHD to Your Employer?) of people disclosing ADHD to
their employers only to be targeted for various complaints and eventu-
ally fired or otherwise treated poorly by their supervisors. Moreover,
the adults sharing their stories remind others that the HR department
works for the employer and is not always your best friend or therapist.
While they may be there to provide some help to you, they also exist to
protect the employer from legal infringements or violations and from
accusations of workplace discrimination. So think before you leap into
disclosing and asking for work accommodations.
For further information and guidance, visit the wonderfully com-
prehensive website by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commis-
sion (EEOC)—the Job Accommodation Network at [Link]
The “For Individuals” section offers comprehensive information about
how to request accommodations. In addition, there’s a wealth of infor-
mation on possible accommodations for ADHD and other disabilities
in their searchable database: [Link] Accommoda-
tion ideas there include Reduced-­Distraction Environments, more fre-
quent check-ins, and assigning a mentor.

L C: I’m afraid ADHD is going to prevent me from having

the degree or career I really want.

This is a really, really hard feeling to carry. If you didn’t care deeply
about this direction in your life, it wouldn’t cause you pain to think

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about not reaching this goal. I don’t have answers here—just thoughts
to share.
Begin by recognizing that this fear is the story that you’re telling
yourself. (See also Section D in Chapter 15.) That story may be based
on solid evidence from your past experience, but your life is still being
lived, and so there is always the possibility of meeting your goals. You
don’t have to let your past become your future.* By reading this book,
you’re already making an investment in what you can control about that
future to move toward your goals.
Taking a closer look at the story you are writing for yourself, I
invite you consider what you’ve identified as the successful ending to this
story. Perhaps your successful ending is earning a PhD in history, becom-
ing a veterinarian, or owning your own successful restaurant. These are
goals that only a small percentage of people achieve in their lifetimes.
Let me be clear: There is nothing wrong with setting high goals for what
you want in your life. But even if your goals are modest compared to
other people’s, I would like to gently suggest that one way of living
well is to cultivate the idea of many successful endings throughout the
course of your life story.
I am about to get personal here. I never expected—in fact, I had
feared—­becoming the mom of a child with special needs on the autism
spectrum. Yet parenting my son has revealed to me the bullshit I had
believed about what counts as a successful ending for my story and, most
importantly, for his. I also realized how narrowly I had previously
defined what counted as success for a person.** Among many other
gifts, my kiddo has given me the gift of more flexible thinking about
what a person really needs to live a life of value.
Figuring out what values underlie your goals is the key to defining
many successful endings.

* I keep a sign on my desk at work that helps me when I get in this mode that reads, “Don’t
stumble over something behind you.”
** If you want, you can see a lecture I gave that includes some of these ideas ([Link]
be/Oky59qjjuys). It’s called a “Last Lecture,” where you’re asked to give the lecture you’d
give if you knew it was your last. Heavy stuff!

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 Find Your Fit at Work or School 177

What is the degree or career you really want—the one that led
you to this section? Write it here and be specific:

What specifically is it about this degree or career pathway that

makes you want to pursue it? What’s your why?

Look back at your answers and reflect: What does the fact that
you have this educational or career goal tell you about what you value?
Here are some examples to illustrate:

• Earning a PhD in history might represent a commitment to deep

learning, to helping people understand the relevance of the past
to the future, or to contributing new knowledge to the world.
• Becoming a veterinarian might represent a commitment to the
well-being of animals and the natural world, to being there for
other people in their times of need, or to challenging yourself to
continuously learn new skills.
• Owning your own successful restaurant might represent a com-
mitment to bringing joy to people through food, fostering culi-
nary creativity, or being an important part of your local com-
munity.

Your turn: What might your goal be telling you about what you
value?

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 178 Menu of Moves for Living Well

Finally, begin to imagine what other successful endings could be. In

other words, what other degrees or career directions could move you
toward the values you identified? For example, the aspiring history PhD
might also find value in work as an educator at a historical site. The
aspiring vet might also find value in work as an animal behavior spe-
cialist helping to rehome pets who have experienced abuse. The aspir-
ing restaurateur might also find value in working for a community-­
lending nonprofit that helps small restaurant owners secure capital.

What are your ideas for other successful endings?

What did you notice? You might notice that you identify some
things you could actually get involved in right now to move in the direc-
tion of your values! (Which is pretty cool. It’s not just about the end-
ing—if we think creatively, there’s a way to live in our values every
day, at every moment.) Exercises like this can also help you decide what
opportunities to say yes to and which ones to let pass.
What next? As you pursue the successful ending of your heart’s desire,
I encourage you to remain flexible and open to what other successful
endings might look like for you.
If you found the work in this chapter valuable (see what I did
there?), you might consider exploring Chapter 26 (What Are Your
Whys?) and Chapter 27 (The Principles) in Part Three.

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 20
eat well

“My biggest problems are in knowing what to do and not doing it,
but also it’s more in the timing and pacing of eating. It’s very easy
for me to go through an entire day going from one task to another,
saying ‘I’ll eat lunch after I do this one thing,’ and then bam—it’ll
be evening, and I haven’t had a glass of water or scrap of food all
day. I’m then ravenous in the evening, which is the worst time of
day to metabolize even good food.”

While there’s no evidence that certain diets are the cause of or cure for
ADHD, there is ample evidence that it’s considerably harder for adults
with ADHD to practice good nutrition due to problems with impul-
sivity and self-­regulation. When it comes to specific recommendations,
there is some evidence that omega-3 fatty acids found in foods such as
salmon might have some limited benefits for some people with ADHD.
And if taken in the recommended doses, they are unlikely to cause
harm, so these might be something to consider. While there are count-
less diets and eating styles that people swear by, some common themes
of a healthy diet include limiting processed foods high in fat and sugar
and making sure to consume foods with sufficient vitamins, minerals,
protein, and fiber. I recommend that you consult your physician or a
nutritionist regarding what’s best for your dietary needs.
Eating better is a tough topic for a lot of people for a lot of good
reasons. First, for a lot of people, there’s a lot of guilt and shame tied up

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with our decisions about what we eat. Second, eating healthy is very
hard because healthier food is expensive while less healthy food is often
cheaper, easy to get, requires little preparation, and is engineered by
corporations to taste good. So if you have any guilt about food choices,
it’s time to let it go because one reason you may struggle is that the
environment is set up to work against you.

But fortunately, you can also modify your environment in ways that will
set you up for eating well.

If you want to make some changes in your eating practices, it can

be a good idea to consult with a nutritionist to get more information
about good choices for you and to set some goals.
One strategy they might recommend for learning more about your
eating is to keep a food log. You can do this by writing down what you
eat using pencil and paper, but I recommend using one of the many
apps available for food tracking, such as Calorie King or My Fitness
Pal. When I track my food, it’s always eye-­opening and informative,
increasing my awareness of what I’m actually eating and then forget-
ting about.
Consider framing your eating goals positively, as in what you will
eat more of instead of just what you should eat less of. What nutritious
foods do you already like to eat or ones you’d like to try?
Once you set your eating goals in consultation with a professional,
the tools described in the prior chapters may be helpful toward reach-
ing your goals.
Ask yourself:

When I don’t eat in line with my health goals, where am I getting off
track?

Based on your answer, choose a chapter to review that might pro-

vide some useful tips and insights.

‰ Remember and Remember to Do Things (Chapter 5)

‰ Plan and Prioritize (Chapter 7)

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 Eat Well 181

‰ Get Started and Restarted (Chapter 9)

‰ Make Thoughtful Decisions (Chapter 16)

These Toolbox items might also be helpful for moments when

your eating doesn’t line up with your goals:

‰ Alarms, Reminders, and Prompts (page 23)

‰ Accountability Partners (page 33)
‰ Choice Point Analysis (page 36)
‰ Self-­Coaching (page 40)
‰ Moments of Mindfulness (page 44)
‰ Emotional Antidotes (page 46)
‰ Speed Bumps (page 47)

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 182 Menu of Moves for Living Well

A Note about Dietary Supplements

Is it just me, or are ads for dietary supplements everywhere lately? It seems as
though every celebrity or influencer is selling their own formulation of “natu-
ral” supplements to help with mood, focus, digestion, sleep, and so on. While
supplements often seem like a side-­effect-free option or a safer alternative
to prescription drugs, because they’re not studied and regulated like drugs,
there’s good reason to be cautious when deciding whether to use them.

Consider the following:

• Dietary supplement companies don’t have to show that their products

work. Unlike drugs, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) doesn’t
require supplement companies to submit any evidence of effectiveness.
• Dietary supplement companies don’t have to show that their products
are safe. Unlike drugs, the FDA doesn’t require supplement companies
to submit evidence of safety. Rather, safety concerns might get reported
only after the supplements hit the market.
• Dietary supplements, like any substance, can and do have side effects—­
especially when taken in higher doses than the body has evolved to han-
dle.
• Dietary supplements often don’t contain what’s advertised. Studies have
shown that supplements often don’t contain the doses of ingredients
advertised on the label and, in some cases, don’t include listed ingredi-
ents at all.
• Dietary supplements can have problematic interactions with each other
and with medications. It’s important to tell your doctor if you’re taking
any dietary supplements.

There are ways to be a savvy consumer of dietary supplements. Visit www.

quality-­[Link], a website by the nonprofit U.S. Pharmacopeial Con-
vention, an industry group that lists dietary supplements that have met stan-
dards higher than those required by the FDA. Most of all, ask yourself: Why
am I taking this supplement? What do I know about whether these ingredients
actually help the problem I’m taking them for? Then chat with your doctor.

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 21
sleep well

“When you’re interested in everything, sleep can feel like a punish-

ment!”

You probably know firsthand how groggy and foggy you get when
you haven’t had sufficient sleep—that hollow-eyed, brittle feeling after
pulling an all-­n ighter. But even milder forms of sleep deprivation, such
as chronically being short of the hours you need or ongoing poor-­
quality sleep, can reduce your ability to pay attention and regulate your
emotions.
Here are three evidence-based recommendations to consider:

1. Keep bedtimes and wake times as consistent as possible

regardless of day of the week. Sleep researchers have started to use the
term social jet lag to describe the negative effects of a sleep schedule that
bounces all around the clock.
2. Control your bedtime exposure to screens. I know first-
hand how using a phone or tablet in bed can lead to endless, mindless
scrolling that delays sleep and interferes with circadian rhythm. See
Switch Gears When You Need To (Chapter 11), Section C, for specific
ideas on how to manage this.
3. Talk to your doctor if your sleep problems persist. A
sleep study might be a good option for you. This type of assessment

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sometimes reveals underlying factors, such as sleep apnea, that may

severely reduce the positive effects of sleep and even cause symptoms
that mimic ADHD.

If you want even more evidence-based recommendations for

working on your sleep, the U.K. National Health Service has published
a free online self-help program based on cognitive-­ behavioral
therapy that can educate you about sleep and help you start making
changes: [Link]/illnesses-and-­conditions/mental-­health/mental-­
health-self-help-­guides/sleep-­problems-and-­insomnia-self-help-guide.

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 22
watch your
substance use

“In the past, I think my substance use was a coping mechanism for
my ADHD symptoms to some degree—but one that ended up
causing more problems in the long run. I didn’t necessarily realize
that at the time.”

Throughout most of history, humans have been using nonfood sub-

stances to alter their brain functioning. Modern prescription drugs for
focusing attention or boosting mood are a very recent extension of
these practices. If you’re like many adults with ADHD, you might use
alcohol, nicotine, or marijuana regularly—maybe even daily. I’m not
here to preach to you about substance use, but to encourage you to con-
sider whether your current use could be excessive, as it can be for many
adults with ADHD, and having any negative impacts on your ADHD
symptoms or your health in general. Despite claims to the contrary,
all these substances can have negative effects under certain conditions.
At the same time, most of these substances aren’t inherently good
or bad—it all depends on how often you’re using them, how much,
how you’re getting them into your body, and why you’re using. For
example, if you’re using alcohol every night to help you sleep, it might
be time to ask your doctor about a sleep study or other assessment to

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get to the bottom of your sleep issues. If you’re using marijuana daily
to manage stress and anxiety, it could be time to get a psychological
assessment to identify anxiety treatment options. If you’re vaping all
day to stay focused, maybe it’s time to talk to your doctor about your
ADHD medication dose.
The bottom line is that it’s never a bad thing to reflect honestly
on your substance use and get more information about what your use
might be telling you about your needs. When it comes to your ADHD
medication, you should always take it at the prescribed dose, at the
prescribed time, and put it into your body in the prescribed way—for
the most part, swallowing a pill. If you are experiencing problems mis-
using ADHD medication or any other substance, help is available. If
you or someone you know is concerned about your use of substances,
talk to your doctor or, if in the United States, you can call the Sub-
stance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations (SAMHSA)
National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). The service is a confi-
dential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year information service, in
English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental
and/or substance use disorders. You can also text your 5-digit ZIP code
to 435748 (HELP4U) to receive free referral information.

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 23
move your body

“Exercise without a doubt gives me a very noticeable reduction in

ADHD symptoms. I’ve seen similar results with both cardio, like
running or swimming, and weight lifting. The benefits seem to
last for one or two days after the exercise.”

Ah! Everyone’s favorite subject: exercise. If you already have a regular

exercise practice, it’s likely that you already know the ways it ben-
efits you, including positive effects on your ADHD symptoms. Some
people with ADHD report that regular, vigorous exercise is absolutely
essential to managing their ADHD. And regardless of the impacts of
exercise on ADHD, the general health benefits of moving your body
regularly are undeniable.
Sometimes people wonder what the best kind of exercise is for
ADHD. At this point, the answer is “we don’t really know.” There are
a few studies showing that high-­intensity interval training—­engaging
in very vigorous activity in short bursts—may be particularly helpful
for people with ADHD, but the evidence is still pretty slim. Of course,
you should consult your doctor before beginning any exercise program.
I strongly believe that the best exercise is the exercise that you don’t hate
to do. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you hate to run, you should
not try to “make yourself ” do it because somehow it feels more legiti-
mate than other kinds of exercise. Sure, there are people who learn to
love running, but my guess is that the number of those people who

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exist is vastly outstripped by the number of people who gave it up and

felt bad about it. There is no shame in disliking a particular form of
exercise. When it comes to exercise, you’ve got to set yourself up for
success.
Anything that gets your body moving for an extended period of
time is a good place to start. Expand your idea of what “working out”
could be. I basically didn’t exercise regularly until I stumbled into a
dance fitness program ( Jazzercise) and got hooked on the moves, the
music, and the community. I know of a woman who had never exer-
cised regularly but took up crew (rowing) in her 50s, joined a team,
and got hooked. One key element in both these examples is that the
exercise occurred alongside or in collaboration with other people, so
you might want to consider whether working out with others would
be something you would enjoy and might increase your accountability.
Regardless, get creative and open-­m inded about what you might try.
Even if you come to enjoy your workouts, it can be incredibly dif-
ficult to carve out the time to engage regularly. Use the prompts below
to get started:

What kind of exercise or workout do you want to try? If it

requires attending a class, program, or facility, look up some
information about where and when you can do it.

When will you do this exercise in the next week? Put it in your
calendar with a reminder and the location of the facility (if
applicable).

Finally, go through Get Started and Restarted (Chapter 9) with an

eye toward identifying tools that could help you stick to your exercise
goals. I believe in you!

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 24
manage money

“My financial life used to be a catastrophe—even though I have

a degree in finance! Before, I was always in debt, no matter how
much I earned. I had to face up to the reality that my issue wasn’t
not having enough money; it was my habits that needed chang-
ing.”

Managing money over the long haul is one big self-­regulation exercise,
which is why so many people struggle in this area of their lives. Buying
a latte today versus saving and investing that five bucks might not seem
like a big deal, but small daily choices add up. If you need help in this
area, here’s what I recommend.

1. Get Educated

An essential first step in managing your money better is to educate

yourself about personal finance—­something that, frustratingly, isn’t
taught well in schools. Start by choosing one of the two free online
courses described below.* Even if you don’t end up completing the

* Special thanks to my son Liam for his assistance in reviewing these courses.

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entire course, covering some of the basic modules will give you a foun-
dation to move forward.

• Financial Planning for Young Adults: [Link]/

learn/financial-­planning. This eight-­module highly rated online course
by the University of Illinois on the Coursera platform offers an intro-
duction to personal finance for beginners or a refresher for anyone. (Not
just useful for young adults!) Completing the entire course takes about
20 hours at your own pace, and it includes high-­quality and engag-
ing video lectures, interactive discussion boards, and other resources
related to each topic. You can get access to these materials for free by
auditing the course. However, if you want access to quizzes and assign-
ments and to receive a certificate of completion, the cost is about $50.
Auditing this course would be great for people who really enjoy learn-
ing through videos and who mostly want information about the topics
rather than practice exercises.

• Financial Literacy by Khan Academy: [Link].

org/college-­careers-more/financial-­literacy. This 14-unit course by the well-­
regarded Khan Academy program includes shorter videos interspersed
with articles, interactive activities, and short quizzes to check your
understanding. Each module ends with a unit test to confirm your
retention of the material. Completing this course will take a little
longer than the Coursera course, as it is a bit more comprehensive in
breadth of topics. However, the Coursera course tends to go a little
more in depth on each topic. This course would be best for learners
who like a lot of interaction with the platform to stay engaged and who
want to boost their memory for what they have learned.

2. Track Your Spending

To know where your financial problem areas are, you’re going to need
to figure out where exactly your money is going. Technology has made
money easier to spend, but it has also made that spending easier to track.
Here are some ideas for figuring out what you’re spending, where.

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 Manage Money 191

• Information online from your bank. Your bank might

already provide you with helpful online tools to track your spending;
however, if you spend from sources not linked to your bank, you might
be missing crucial information.
• Spending tracking and budgeting apps. Link your accounts
to these apps, which can track your spending and sort it into categories
as well as offer tools for budgeting, saving, and other tasks. Two apps
getting positive reviews are:
| PocketGuard, recently rated by the Wall Street Journal as the
best money tracking and budgeting app for beginners.* You
can get a free trial for a week, after which the cost is $75 per
year if you pay all at once or $156 if you pay month to month.
| Rocket Money recently topped CNET’s list of money man-
agement apps.** It offers a basic account for free (although
reviews say it’s pretty bare bones). The Premium version has
a free week trial and then costs $48 a year if paying all at once
and $144 a year if paying month to month. I signed up and
immediately found a $12.99 per month subscription I had
forgotten about and wasn’t using, so for me the app paid for
itself immediately!
• Spreadsheets! If you don’t want to spend money on . . . some-
thing to help you track your money, there are lots of free spreadsheet
templates online that can help you get started: [Link]/free-­
google-sheets-­budget-templates. You’ll need to go on the hunt for all your
statements to fill in the blanks.

3. Make a Budget

Use the resources available in the app you chose or the budgeting steps
you learned about in step 1 above (Get Educated) to set your budget
goals.

* [Link]/buyside/personal-­finance/financial-tips/best-­budgeting-apps
** [Link]/personal-­finance/banking/advice/best-­budgeting-apps

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 192 Menu of Moves for Living Well

4. Apply Skills to Problem-­Spending Areas

Now, using your budget, identify your biggest problem area of spend-
ing. Are you:

• Making big, impulsive purchases you can’t afford?

• Hanging on to a big, recurring expense—like high rent or an
expensive car payment?
• Making small, daily purchases—like a morning latte—that are
hard to resist and don’t seem like a big deal . . . until they add up?
• Spending on eating out and food delivery that’s draining your
bank account, and you need to learn how to cook at home more
often?

Look at your spending and ask this question:

When I’m not saving and spending in line with my goals, what’s
going wrong?

Based on what you’ve discovered about your problem areas, choose

a Toolbox tool or Menu chapter to apply to this area:

‰ Alarms, Reminders, and Prompts (page 23)

‰ Accountability Partners (page 33)
‰ Choice Point Analysis (page 36)
‰ Self-­Coaching (page 40)
‰ Speed Bumps (page 47)
‰ Support Communities (page 52)
‰ Switch Gears When You Need To (Chapter 11)
‰ Make Thoughtful Decisions (Chapter 16)

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 25
drive safely

“The past few years (I’m 35) I’ve had to be very deliberate in man-
aging distractions while I am driving. I have been fortunate not
to have been arrested, but I have had serious crashes. I have devel-
oped some self-­control by getting distractions out of my car and
by knowing my triggers for speeding and even road rage (emotions
and fatigue).”

Because people with ADHD struggle with distractibility and impulsiv-

ity, it’s not surprising that they have more problems driving safely than
the average adult. If safe driving has been a struggle for you, consider
the following strategies:

• Take your prescribed meds before driving (see the

Resources, page 212). Medications work “from the outside in” to
reduce your symptoms and, as a result, your risk of car accidents.
• Block access to cell phone use. Distracted driving is one of
the leading causes of accidents, regardless of whether you have ADHD.
Put your phone in the back seat while driving or use tech solutions that
limit phone functions while driving, such as AT&T’s DriveMode app
or [Link]

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 194 Menu of Moves for Living Well

• Learn to drive a manual transmission. Driving “stick” can

boost your attention while driving because you have to stay engaged
with what you’re doing to shift gears.
• Stick to a strict “No Substance, No Sleepiness” driving
policy. Driving while sleepy or while using substances may be even
riskier if you have ADHD. When in doubt, call an Uber or Lyft. It’ll
be worth avoiding a life-­endangering mistake.

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 PART THREE
principles
for living well
with ADHD

In this part of the book, we’ll widen our focus from coping with spe-
cific problems and using particular tools to reflecting on the ultimate
purpose of coping with ADHD and the broad, big ideas that under-
gird this book’s approach to living well.

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 26
what are your whys?

You can learn skills to better manage the impact of ADHD on your
life. It’s also true that learning these skills when you have ADHD
will involve struggle, false starts, and coping with self-doubt. At those
times, tapping into your big-­picture motivation—your whys—can help
you recommit to the process and keep moving forward.

Your whys are your answers to the question

“Why am I striving to learn skills to manage ADHD?”

Your whys also represent your vision for what living well with
ADHD looks like for you. They’re something you get to choose and
something no one else can choose for you. What do you want your
life to look like? Who do you want to be in the world? How do you
want to show up for yourself and others? Without whys guiding your
work, this book can read like a complex recipe for becoming the per-
fect worker or an overwhelming list of tasks that you’re never going
to complete. But with your whys leading the way, you will be able to
choose the skills that will move you most in a meaningful direction.
To start contemplating your whys, write a bit in response to each
prompt below.

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 198 Principles for Living Well with ADHD

What are the most important and meaningful areas of your life
for living well? Your answers might include career, learning,
family, friends, partner, health, leisure activities, volunteer
work, spiritual community, engagement with nature, or other
communities.

In which of these areas do you most wish to make positive

changes right now?

If you could make a positive change in one of these areas, what

would that look like?

Writing Your Whys

Remember, your whys are your answers to the question “Why am I

striving to learn skills to manage ADHD?” Looking back at what you
wrote and using the guidelines below, create the first draft of your whys.

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 What Are Your Whys? 199

• Phrase whys as what you want to move toward instead of what

you want to avoid. For example:
| Avoid getting fired To be a reliable and trustworthy team
member to my coworkers
| Get my partner to stop nagging me To be helpful to and
mutually supportive of my partner
| To be less stressed out on a daily basis To take good care of
my mind and body.
• Phrase whys as something you can continue to move toward
versus something you can check off a list.
| To get a high paying job To earn enough money to support
myself and ski as much as I can
| To get married To sustain a long-term relationship with
someone that’s good for them and me
| To earn a PhD To continue to challenge myself intellectually
and contribute to my field

Here are some more examples:

• To show my kids that you can overcome challenges and not be

perfect and still be a good dad
• To be a caring, supportive partner and a loving dog mom
• To be a trustworthy member of my church and a contributor to
their charitable efforts
• To learn as much as I can throughout my life and use that learn-
ing to help others
• To cope with what life throws at me and connect with others

Your turn! Remember, phrase whys as something you can keep

moving toward.

Why am I striving to learn skills to manage ADHD?

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 200 Principles for Living Well with ADHD

Nice work! Remember, you can revise your whys whenever you
want to. What is most meaningful can shift and change throughout
your life. It’s up to you.

What Next?

I recommend centering your whys when setting goals and deciding

which skills you want to work on from this book. I also recommend
you revisit your whys from time to time to refill your motivation and
remind yourself of your purpose. Maybe even post your whys as a
reminder in your home, workspace, or somewhere on your laptop or
phone. (Why not?)*

* I am very sorry. I couldn’t resist.

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 27
the principles

I initially wanted to write this chapter first and to put it at the begin-
ning of the book. As a professor by day, my inclination is to think
in terms of big, abstract concepts and then to think about how those
concepts apply in specific situations. But ultimately I’m glad I put this
chapter last in the book and wrote it after writing about all the specific
skills and examples that came before. Saving the Principles until the
end allowed me to identify what is truly at the core of my approach to
helping people with ADHD live better lives.*
Living well with ADHD is a matter of meeting each difficult moment
with increasing levels of skill and self-­acceptance. It would be impos-
sible for me to write a book that could address every situation and
challenge you will encounter as a person living with ADHD. And so
there’s value in naming and framing the core ideas that lie underneath
the changes in thinking, feeling, and acting that can help you live bet-
ter. Some of the Principles are about the way you think about or make
meaning out of your experience with ADHD, and others are about
how you respond through your actions. There are at least four ways you
can use these Principles:

* Also, my book proposal originally included a possible 30-plus principles instead of the 14
I have here. You’re welcome. 

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 202 Principles for Living Well with ADHD

1. To adapt the tools and strategies in this book to fit better with
your own life
2. To invent totally new tools and strategies for living with
ADHD
3. To help you remember to use the tools and strategies during
crucial moments
4. To replenish your spirit when living with ADHD has left you
feeling depleted

So even if you’ve decided to start your use of this book by read-

ing this chapter, I invite you to come back and revisit it as you work
through the specific recommendations in other sections.

You’re Doing a Hard Thing

To live with ADHD is to face daily challenges. You didn’t have a choice
about having ADHD, but you have a choice in how you’ll respond to
the challenges it presents. But it isn’t easy, and it’s okay—even neces-
sary—to acknowledge the moments when coping with ADHD is dif-
ficult. You’re not deficient; you’re experiencing challenges that some
people will never experience. Be patient with yourself.

You’re > ADHD

You could read this principle as “You’re [more than] ADHD” or

“You’re [greater than] ADHD.” I think they have slightly different
meanings, and I mean both.
You’re more than ADHD: Every person is more than a single
adjective, label, or single fact about them. Living well with ADHD is
just one aspect of you. You have important strengths, gifts, and talents.
Living well is as much about cultivating and celebrating those talents
as it is about managing ADHD. And you’re greater than ADHD: You

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 The Principles 203

can move toward your goals and display your strengths, even while you
cope with your symptoms.
This principle is also about deciding how you want to relate to
ADHD in terms of your identity. Some people identify ADHD as
the reason they have positive attributes like creativity or an outgoing
nature. This is a valid choice, but it’s not the only choice. It’s also valid
to see your positive attributes as something true of yourself, outside of
your ADHD. And it’s valid to be completely frustrated by ADHD and
see it as something outside of your identity. Any of these ways of relat-
ing to your ADHD can be valid if it helps you to live well.

Center Your Whys

Your whys are what living well means to you. They’re your North
Star—what you want your life to be about and what you’ll use when
you’re deciding what big goals to pursue. Your whys can become your
motivation for learning how to better live with your ADHD. Notice:
These are your whys, not the whys of your parents, your partner, your
boss, or your fifth-grade teacher. If you’re not sure what your whys are,
that’s a good place to start exploring. Use your whys to set your goals.
Then your work to manage your ADHD will be about something more.

Find Your Niche

In the field of ecology, a niche is the set of conditions in which a plant

or animal thrives best. People engage in niche picking (mentioned earlier)
when they seek out places, people, and activities that work best with
their abilities and interests. Finding your niche is about giving yourself
permission to actively choose the settings and activities in which you
can best thrive and live out your whys. It’s about realizing that you may
be unknowingly following rules that limit your choices and becoming
more flexible in choosing the life that best fits your strengths.

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 204 Principles for Living Well with ADHD

Stay in Your Lane

This principle can sound limiting, but that’s not how I mean it. By
“stay in your lane,”* I mean going at your own pace toward your cho-
sen goals without comparing yourself to other people. It means releas-
ing yourself from self-­judgment and comparison anxiety that doesn’t
serve you. Comparison is not only the thief of joy—it’s a distraction
that takes your eyes off what really matters.

Become a Tool Collector

The more tools you gather and skills you learn, the better you will be
able to manage ADHD’s many challenges toward a life well lived. This
will be a lifelong journey, but one that you can view in terms of mak-
ing progress and getting to know yourself better over time. Try to be
open to as wide a variety of tools as possible, including medications,
skills, professional assistance, and supportive relationships. The only
way to know what works is to test it out. At the same time . . .

No One Thing Always Works

I said this at the beginning of the book, and I’ll say it again: No tool
is going to meet all the needs you have in terms of managing your
ADHD. And it is damn hard to know in a given situation which tool
is going to work. Life moves fast, and it’s complicated. If something
doesn’t work in a particular moment, it doesn’t mean that tool is useless,
and it doesn’t mean that you screwed up. You might need more practice
to figure out exactly how to make a tool work for you. Or you may
need a different strategy in that situation. Or you may never know why

* I can’t remember where I first heard this idea, but it has been essential in raising an amaz-
ing child who is developing his skills at a different pace than his peers.

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 The Principles 205

something didn’t work that one time. It’s frustrating, but it’s just the
way life is sometimes. Living well is about rolling with those moments,
practicing self-­compassion, and still trying again.

Failures Tell You What to Try Next

The idea “learn from your mistakes” seems beyond cliché. But when
trying to build a toolbox and figure out what works, looking squarely
at failures—times when the tools you tried to use didn’t work—is
essential to growing in living well with your ADHD. When something
goes wrong, it can be painful to think through the process that led you
to where you are. But if you can cultivate a grain of curiosity in the
face of failure, you have the power to use what you learn to cope better
next time. It can be exhausting, but you might just hit on a new way of
making your life work.

Offload Self-­Regulation

ADHD makes it harder for you to bring your behavior in line with
your intentions and to guide your own behavior toward goals over
time. Reduce the impact of ADHD on your life by creating situa-
tions that help you regulate and reduce the need to self-­regulate. Create
environments that prompt the actions you need to take. Boost moti-
vation by setting up more frequent feedback and check-ins. Look for
creative ways to hack your environment to support self-­regulation.

Reflect on What’s Going on Inside

Living well with ADHD is about understanding how it relates to what

others can’t see—your thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings
don’t cause ADHD itself, but they play an important role in how you

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 206 Principles for Living Well with ADHD

cope with it. What do you feel inside that you might be trying to
escape from? What are you saying to yourself, and what stories are you
telling yourself? These can all influence how you cope with ADHD in
your life. And fortunately, these are also things you can change or learn
to respond to differently.

Get Curious about How You Avoid

A lot of our daily behaviors happen on autopilot. We move through

life automatically moving toward things that make us feel good, and—
even more often—we do things that let us escape from what feels scary,
uncomfortable, dull, or ugh. The symptoms of ADHD can make it
even easier to do these automatic avoidance moves, but these can pre-
vent you from really moving in the direction of your meaningful goals.
As you consider what’s going on inside, get extra-­curious about what
happens in the split seconds when you turn your mind away from what
feels a little icky. Catching yourself in these moments can give you the
chance to choose consciously.

Connect to Thrive

ADHD can make you feel separate from other people in ways that can
be deeply painful. Yet a key move toward living well is cultivating sup-
portive relationships with other people and tapping into the strength
that comes from being vulnerable with others. “Finding your people”
is a lifelong process, but it’s a life-­g iving one as well.

Celebrate (Sm)All Wins

By this I mean celebrate all wins, even (and maybe especially) the small
ones. People are distracted and wrapped up in their own lives and their

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 The Principles 207

own perspectives. They may not notice small but crucial moments of
success in your movement toward living better with your ADHD. And
you might not feel like small bits of progress are worthy of self-­praise.
But you must notice and praise yourself for each positive step if you want to
progress! It’s not a luxury—it’s how behavior works. What is rewarded
is repeated. Praise your own progress and that of others and the out-
comes will follow.

Change Is Always Possible

This is not a platitude or a wish. It’s a scientific fact based on every-

thing we know about human behavior. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It
doesn’t mean every outcome is possible. What it means is that, with the
right understanding of your situation and your capabilities, and with
the right support, you can always learn new skills and ways of living
with your ADHD. And your belief in your capacity to change is, itself,
an important step toward that change.

Your Principles for Living Well with ADHD

Please add the wisdom you’ve gained from your own experience about
how to live well with ADHD. If you have a moment, please share them
with me at lknouse@[Link].

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 resources

No matter how hard you work on your Toolbox, sometimes you need to call in an
expert. Following are sources of outside support that can support living well with
ADHD. This list refers frequently to Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (Russell A. Bark-
ley, 2nd ed., The Guilford Press, 2022), which provides more comprehensive recom-
mendations for several of these topics.

A Professional ADHD Evaluation

ADHD is among the most difficult mental health conditions to diagnose accurately
for the following reasons:

• Many other mental health conditions can cause problems with distractibility
and motivation, such as depression, anxiety disorders, and bipolar disorder.
• Many medical conditions or other lifestyle factors can cause ADHD-like
symptoms such as thyroid problems, sleep apnea, and insomnia.
• ADHD often co-­occurs with other mental health conditions, so clinicians
must carefully tease these apart.
• ADHD is a developmental disorder, which means it affects people across their
lifetime. A solid evaluation needs to collect information about your history
and experiences earlier in life.

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 210 Resources

• It’s recommended that evaluations include information not just from you, but
from other people who know you well.
• A good evaluation will result in specific treatment recommendations tailored
to your needs.

For all these reasons and more, you should seek out a thorough, professional
ADHD evaluation if you have not already received one. ADHD is not a condition
that can be diagnosed accurately in a 30- to 60-minute online assessment, and it’s
definitely not something you can diagnose with a questionnaire or online quiz. Even
if you have had an evaluation earlier in life, an updated evaluation can help to reveal
new potential ways of addressing your ADHD-related problems. You can find ADHD
specialists using the lists provided by region at [Link] [Link] and
[Link]. In Canada, try the [Link] website. In Europe, try the
website for the European Network Adult ADHD ([Link]).
For in-depth information on how to get a good evaluation, see Taking Charge of
Adult ADHD and read Step One: To Get Started, Get Evaluated.

Cognitive-­Behavioral Therapy for ADHD

If you’ve found the vibe of this book interesting or helpful but are having trouble
applying the tools in your daily life—which is understandable; changing your behav-
ior is hard—then you might enjoy and benefit from working with a therapist trained
in cognitive-­behavioral therapy (CBT) for adult ADHD.
You may have heard of CBT before. CBT is really a family of treatment
approaches, each one tailored for a particular problem like depression, obsessive-­
compulsive disorder, phobias, or bipolar disorder. Over the past 20 years or so, psy-
chologists have developed a flavor of CBT specifically tailored to the needs of people
with ADHD.
Most importantly, CBT approaches are frequently tested in research studies to see
if they actually work. You can visit this website to view a list of research-­supported
psychotherapies, and you’ll notice that many CBT approaches appear on the lists—­
including CBT for adult ADHD: [Link]
The different flavors of CBT share the following features:

• CBT helps you learn skills to target specific problems and meet your goals.
• CBT is mostly about the here-and-now. You might discuss your past history

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 Resources 211

and struggles to help you understand the present, but the focus will be on
what you can do about your difficulties today.

• CBT helps you understand how your thoughts, emotions, and actions all
influence each other and looks for ways to help you try out new ways of
thinking and acting to get to your goals. As this book recommends, you’ll be
invited to try out different strategies in your real life.

• CBT tends to be more targeted and time limited than some other therapies.
The aim is to help you reach your goals, so you can move forward with your
new skills without needing to be in therapy your whole life (although you
might drop back in from time to time for some support or skills coaching).

• In CBT your therapist will act as a partner and coach as you learn new things
about yourself and as you try out new skills. It’s not like going to the dentist.
It’s more like working with a personal trainer.

CBT for adult ADHD will specifically involve:

• Setting your personal goals for therapy related to the problems that you most
want to resolve

• Education about the nature of ADHD and the rationale for treatment
• Exercises to help you understand how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
related to ADHD all influence one another

• Structured sessions that involve identifying new skills like the ones in this
book and then planning how you will practice them in daily life between
sessions; when you return, you’ll discuss how practice went and troubleshoot
as you go

• Flexible support from your therapist to try new things and modify if things
don’t go as planned

How do you know if a therapist you might want to see practices CBT? It can be
very hard to tell because there are no regulations on who can claim that they practice
CBT, and unfortunately some studies have shown that therapists claiming to use CBT
aren’t really using the core elements that matter most.
First, check whether a therapist belongs to the Association for Behavioral and
Cognitive Therapies, which is the premier professional organization for CBT thera-
pists. You can search for a therapist in their online directory at [Link]. But just

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 212 Resources

because someone isn’t in that directory doesn’t mean they might not be a stellar CBT
therapist.
Second, you can use the list of CBT characteristics above to help you develop
questions for a prospective therapist about their approach. You can also ask:

• Do you have specific training in CBT for adult ADHD, such as training dur-
ing graduate school or attending workshops?
• Will you be using a therapist guide for CBT for adult ADHD that has been
tested in research, such as those by Drs. Steven Safren, Mary Solanto, or J.
Russell Ramsay?

Hopefully, if it seems right for you, this book has inspired you to be open to
your own CBT journey!

Medication Treatment

For most adults with ADHD, medication treatment will be a crucial part of living well. If
you’ve tried medications and decided they aren’t for you, that’s totally fine. But if you’ve
tried medications and aren’t satisfied with the effects or the side effects, if you’ve had dif-
ficulty communicating with your provider, or if you have the sense that you just aren’t
getting the maximum benefit from your medications, I encourage you to continue to
demand better from your treatment. There are several varieties of ADHD medications as
well as many different delivery systems, so trying just one drug type and delivery system
(like Concerta or Focalin XR, which uses methylphenidate) and finding it inadequate
does not mean that you will not do well on higher doses, on another drug type (amphet-
amines [Adderall XR, Vyvanse], anti-­hypertensives [guanfacine or clonidine XR], nor-
epinephrine reuptake inhibitors [Strattera, Qelbree], bupropion [Wellbutrin]) or using
a different delivery system (pills, time release pellets, osmotic pump, skin patch, liquid
time release, delayed onset taken the night before [ Jornay PM]).
This book doesn’t focus on medication, but I encourage you to check out Change
Your Brain: Medications for Mastering ADHD in Taking Charge of Adult ADHD for
comprehensive advice on understanding medication options and finding a provider.

Couples, Family, or Supportive Counseling

You might consider couples counseling or family therapy if there’s a lot of conflict
or instability in these relationships or if all members aren’t getting what they need.

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 Resources 213

Make sure when looking for a couples or family therapist that you inform them about
your ADHD and ask whether they have experience working with couples or families
where ADHD is in the mix.
Some readers may benefit from therapy that’s not specifically focused on skills
for adult ADHD, but instead provides a place to get general support.
What’s the difference between CBT for adult ADHD and supportive counsel-
ing? Imagine that you’re a basketball player. CBT for adult ADHD is sort of like
going to practice for basketball—where you focus on honing specific skills—while
supportive counseling is more like the workouts you do in the gym to keep up your
general fitness level. Both are potentially useful, but one is more focused on a specific
set of skills.
Still, it’s probably a good idea to ask whether your supportive counselor or thera-
pist has experience working with adults with ADHD before you decide to commit.

ADHD Coaching

Life coaching for people with ADHD seems to be on the rise, but it can be hard to
understand the difference between coaching and therapy. Coaching can be useful for
people with ADHD, and there are undoubtedly many caring and skilled coaches,
but it’s important to understand what coaching is and isn’t so that you can make an
informed decision.

• The purpose of coaching is to help people work through specific problems,

but not necessarily to help them develop skills that will last beyond the coach-
ing relationship.
• Coaches are not psychologists, social workers, or counselors and don’t claim
to be. They’re not required to have training in treating any mental health
condition, so coaching isn’t a substitute for ADHD treatment. It also isn’t
usually covered by health insurance.
• The practice of coaching isn’t regulated by the government. Unlike health
professionals, there is no state licensing process for coaches. Coaches may
earn certifications from national coaching organizations, and these can be
a mark of the quality of the coach, but basically anyone can claim to be an
ADHD coach.

If you’re considering working with an ADHD coach, consider asking the following:

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 214 Resources

• What training have you completed in coaching? Have you completed any
education or training specific to ADHD?
• Do you hold any certifications from national coaching organizations for
ADHD coaches?
• What will be the goals of our work together, and how will we know that
coaching is complete?
• How will our work fit in with my other ADHD treatments?

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 index

Note. n following a page number indicates a note.

Absorbing information, 116–123, 153. See Alarms

also Information building tidying rituals/habits and, 165
Academic paths, 85–88, 167–178 eating well and, 181
Acceptance, 63 making thoughtful decisions and, 144
Accommodations, 172–175 managing money and, 192
Accountability groups, 34. See also overview, 23–24
Accountability Partners showing up on time and, 60
Accountability Partners. See also switching gears when necessary, 107
Relationships; Support from others Alcohol use, 185–186
completing tasks accurately and, 87 All-or-nothing thinking, 100–102
eating well and, 181 Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA),
getting started and restarted and, 93–94, 172–173
95 Anger, 130–139. See also Emotions
making thoughtful decisions and, 144, 147 Anxiety, 6, 94, 101
managing money and, 192 Apologies. See also Effective Apologies
managing strong emotions and, 136 forgetting and, 70
overview, 33–36 getting started and restarted and, 95
planning and prioritizing and, 84 keeping commitments to others and, 115
sticking with and finishing a task and, making thoughtful decisions and, 148
98, 99 managing strong emotions and, 139
Action-oriented approach, 1–2 overview, 50–52, 53
Active listening, 122. See also Listening to reducing the impact of ADHD on
others relationships and, 157
ADHD coaching. See Coaching Appointments. See also Scheduling; Time
ADHD overview, vii–viii, 1–3 organization
ADHD Toolbox. See also Menu of moves; forgetting and, 67–68, 76
individual devices; individual skills; keeping commitments to others and,
individual strategies 110–115
collecting tools, skills, and strategies, 204 Appreciation, 63, 155–156
keeping an open mind about, 12–13 Apps. See Smartphone use; Technology
overview, vii–viii, 7, 8–9, 11–13, 55 Asking for what you want, 49–50
principles for living well and, 202 Assessment, 6, 209–210
tools in, 12–13 Assignments, 85–88

215

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 216 Index

Assumptions, 138 Rewarding Consequences and, 31

Attention. See also Distraction; Focus showing up on time and, 59, 60–61
absorbing information and, 116–123 Strategic Task Scheduling and, 31–32
inattention, vii, 2 Calming techniques, 134
mindfulness and, 45–46 Career counseling, 171–172
Attention Deficit Disorder Association, 52 Career path, 167–178
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD), 5 CBT for ADHD, vii–viii, 6, 210–212
Avoidance Celebrating wins, 206–207
escape and, 127, 206 CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-
getting started and restarted and, 90, 91–94 Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder), 52, 173
perfectionism and, 101 Change
principles for living well and, 206 finding your whys and, 197–200
sticking with and finishing a task and, 101 impact of ADHD and, 3
organizing stuff and space and, 161
B edtimes, 183. See also Sleep overview, 5
Behavior regulation. See also Self-regulation principles for living well and, 207
ADHD overview and, 2 Choice Point Analysis
building tidying rituals/habits and, eating well and, 181
164–165 forgetting and, 67
managing strong emotions and, 130–139 getting started and restarted and, 94, 95
Beliefs, 100–102 making thoughtful decisions and, 144
Big-Picture Pathway, 8–9 managing money and, 192
Blitz cleaning, 165–166. See also Cleaning; overview, 36–40
Environmental context; Organization planning and prioritizing and, 84
Blocking time, 60–61. See also Calendar Self-Coaching and, 40, 41–43
System showing up on time and, 60, 62
Body doubling, 34, 35. See also switching gears when necessary, 107, 108
Accountability Partners Choice points, 36–40, 41–43, 95. See also
Boring tasks. See also Task organization Choice Point Analysis
managing restlessness and, 124–129 Chores. See also Cleaning
sticking with and finishing a task, 96–102 building tidying rituals/habits and,
Brain functioning, 2–3 164–165
Breaks mindfulness and, 46
managing restlessness and, 125–127 organizing stuff and space and, 158–166
managing strong emotions and, 134 Chunking tasks, 28–29, 87. See also Task
reducing distraction and, 27 Chunks; Task organization
Budgeting. See also Financial management; Cleaning. See also Chores; Environmental
Money management context; Organization
identifying problem-spending areas and, blitz cleaning, 165–166
192 building rituals/habits and, 164–165
making a budget, 191 getting rid of stuff and, 163–164
making thoughtful decisions and, 142–143 organizing stuff and space and, 158–166
tracking spending and, 191 Clear Requests. See also Requests
making thoughtful decisions and, 148
Calendar System. See also Household managing strong emotions and, 139
overview, 48–50
Events Calendar; Scheduling; Time
organization reducing the impact of ADHD on
finding important papers or mail and, relationships and, 154–155
77–78 support communities/organizations and,
forgetting and, 67–68, 76 52
getting started and restarted and, 93 Clocks, 22, 60. See also Timers/timekeeping
keeping commitments to others and, 112 devices
managing restlessness and, 125, 129 Clutter, 158–166
overview, 16–17 Coaching. See also Self-Coaching
planning and prioritizing and, 81 Accountability Partners and, 35
reducing the impact of ADHD on ADHD coaching, 213–214
relationships and, 152 overview, 40–43

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 Index 217

Cognitive-behavioral therapy for ADHD, Decision making

vii–viii, 6, 210–212 eating well and, 179–180, 181
College, 3, 173–174. See also Academic paths; keeping commitments to others and,
School environment 113–114
Commitments to others. See also Requests making thoughtful decisions, 140–148
making thoughtful decisions and, 145 managing money and, 192
overview, 110–115 reducing the impact of ADHD on
reducing the impact of ADHD on relationships and, 153
relationships and, 151–152 Decision-Making Pros and Cons chart,
Communication. See also Conversations 145–147
absorbing information and, 116–123 Decluttering, 158–166. See also
Clear Requests and, 48–50 Environmental context; Organization
disclosing about ADHD struggles to others Depression, 6
and, 153–154 Description, 49–50
Effective Apologies and, 50–52, 53 Desire path, 162, 163
forgetting and, 68–69 Diagnosis, 209–210
getting started and restarted and, 95 Dietary supplements, 182
lateness and, 63 Digital calendar use, 16, 17–18, 152. See also
managing strong emotions and, 133–134 Calendar System; Task organization;
planning and prioritizing and, 84 Time organization
reducing the impact of ADHD on Digital environment, 104–106, 108, 118.
relationships and, 153–154 See also Environmental context;
Comparison, 204 Technology
Compassion, 79 Directions, following, 82, 85–88
Computer files, 78, 79. See also Technology Disclosing about ADHD struggles to others,
Concise approach, 1 153–154, 175
Connection, 206. See also Relationships Discomfort, 125–127
Consequences, 145–147. See also Rewarding Disorganization, 158–166
Consequences Distraction. See also Attention; Focus
Conversations. See also Communication absorbing information and, 117–118,
absorbing information and, 121–122 120–121
forgetting and, 68–69 completing tasks accurately and, 87–88
managing restlessness and, 127 driving safely and, 193
reducing the impact of ADHD on managing restlessness and, 124–129
relationships and, 155–156 reducing distraction and, 25–28
regarding support from others, 155–156 sticking with and finishing a task, 96–102
Costs of a decision, 145–147. See also Distraction Inventory, 25, 26
Decision making Doing the thing, 21. See also Finishing a task;
Counseling, 150 Starting a task; Stopping a task; Task
Couples counseling, 150, 212–213 organization
Curiosity Driving safely, 193–194
absorbing information and, 122 Drug use, 185–186
managing restlessness and, 128 Due dates, 18–19. See also Time organization
principles for living well and, 206 Dyslexia, 120n

Daily responsibilities. See also Cleaning; E arly, being, 61–62

Responsibility; Self-care Eating, 46, 179–182
building tidying rituals/habits and, Effective Apologies. See also Apologies
164–165 completing tasks accurately and, 88
mindfulness and, 46 forgetting and, 70
organizing stuff and space and, 158–166 keeping commitments to others and, 115
Dance, 47. See also Physical movement making thoughtful decisions and, 148
Danger zones, 132–134 managing strong emotions and, 139
Deadlines. See Time organization overview, 50–52, 53
DEAR (Describe, Express, Ask, and reducing the impact of ADHD on
Reward) skills, 49–50. See also Clear relationships and, 157
Requests Email, 78, 79

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 218 Index

Emotional Antidotes principles for living well and, 205–206

eating well and, 181 reducing distraction and, 26, 27
making thoughtful decisions and, 144 Fidget toys
managing restlessness and, 127 absorbing information and, 121
managing strong emotions and, 135 managing restlessness and, 126, 127
overview, 46–47 reducing distraction and, 27
Emotional impulsivity. See Emotions; Files on computers, 78, 79. See also
Impulsivity Technology
Emotions. See also Feelings Financial management. See also Budgeting;
eating well and, 179–180 Money management
Emotional Antidotes, 46–47 eating well and, 180
keeping commitments to others and, making thoughtful decisions and, 142–143
112–114 managing money and, 189–192
making thoughtful decisions and, 140 Find My Device and Find My networks,
managing strong emotions, 130–139 73, 75
mindfulness and, 44–46 Finding items
overview, 44 finding items in the house, 72–75
reducing the impact of ADHD on finding items out in the world, 75
relationships and, 153 important papers or mail, 77–78
Speed Bumps and, 47–48 keeping track of items and, 71–79
Empathy. See Support from others Finding your niche, 169–172. See also Niche
Encouragement, 99 picking
Environmental context Finishing a task. See also Stopping a task;
accommodations and, 172–175 Task organization
ADHD overview and, 3 Accountability Partners and, 33–36
alarms, reminders, and prompts and, 23–24 alarms, reminders, and prompts and,
eating well and, 180 23–24
engineering, 162–163 Choice Point Analysis and, 36–40
finding fit at work or school and, 169, 170, completing tasks accurately, 85–88
172–175 keeping commitments to others and,
finding items in the house and, 74 114–115
forgetting and, 66–67 overview, 21
organizing stuff and space, 158–166 Pomodoro Technique and, 32–33
reducing distraction and, 25–28 reducing distraction and, 25–28
screen time and, 104–106, 108, 118 Rewarding Consequences and, 29–31
Speed Bumps and, 47–48 Self-Coaching and, 40–43
timekeeping devices and, 22–23 sticking with and finishing a task, 96–102
Equal employment Opportunity Strategic Task Scheduling and, 31–32
Commission (EEOC), 175 Task Chunks and, 28–29
Escape, 127, 134, 206. See also Avoidance timekeeping devices and, 22–23
Evaluation for ADHD, 209–210 Flexibility, 11–12
Events, 67–68 Focus. See also Attention; Distraction;
Evidence-based strategies, 1 Hyperfocus
Executive functioning (EF), vii–viii, 2 absorbing information and, 116–123
Exercise, 126–127, 187–188. See also Physical completing tasks accurately and, 87–88
movement managing strong emotions and, 135–136
Expressing yourself, 49–50 switching gears when necessary, 103–109,
118
Failures, 204–205 Follow-through process, 151–152. See also
Family counseling, 150, 212–213 Commitments to others; Finishing a
Family relationships. See Relationships task
Fear, 101 Forgetting. See also Memory; Remembering;
Feedback from others. See Support from others Thoughts
Feelings. See also Emotions forgetting items when you leave the house,
keeping commitments to others and, 76
112–114, 115 losing stuff and, 71–79
managing strong emotions, 130–139 overview, 64–70

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 Index 219

Forgiveness, 51 reducing the impact of ADHD on

Friendships. See Relationships relationships and, 152
Frustration, 84, 130–139. See also Emotions Human resource departments, 175. See also
Fun times, 128–129 Work environment
Future you, 114. See also Goals Hyperactivity, vii, 2
Hyperfocus. See also Finishing a task; Focus;
Genetic factors, 2–3 Starting a task; Stopping a task
overview, 21
Getting rid of stuff, 163–164. See also
Environmental context; Organization reducing the impact of ADHD on
Getting started and restarted, 89–95, 100. See relationships and, 153
also Restarting a task; Starting a task showing up on time and, 59–60
Gifting economies, 164 switching gears when necessary, 103–109,
Go Bag (or Box), 76 118
Go List, 76 timekeeping devices and, 22–23
Goals
Accountability Partners and, 33–36
Choice Point Analysis and, 36–40
Images, 122. See also Visualization
Impact of ADHD, 3, 149–157
eating well and, 179–181 Impulsivity
Emotional Antidotes and, 46 ADHD overview and, 2
finding fit at work or school and, 167–178 eating well and, 179
finding your whys and, 197–200, 203 making thoughtful decisions, 140–148
getting started and restarted and, 95 managing money and, 192
making a budget, 191 managing strong emotions and, 130–139
making thoughtful decisions and, 143–144 reducing the impact of ADHD on
planning and prioritizing and, 80–84 relationships and, 153
principles for living well and, 202–203 Speed Bumps and, 47–48
reaching, 175–178 Inattention, vii, 2. See also Attention
Rewarding Consequences and, 29–31 Individualized Education Program (IEP), 174
Self-Coaching and, 41–43 Information
Google Calendar, 16, 17–18, 152. See also absorbing, 116–123, 153
Calendar System; Time organization finding important papers or mail and,
Gratitude, 63, 155–156 77–78
Grid search, 74–75 forgetting and, 68
Guilt, 179–180
“Instead” tasks, 92–93. See also Task

H abits, 164–165
organization
Instructions
Healthy eating, 179–182 completing tasks accurately, 85–88
High school students, 3 planning and prioritizing and, 82
Higher education, 173–174. See also Interpersonal relationships. See Relationships
Academic paths; School environment Interrupting, 121–122
Home Bases Intimate partner violence, 150
finding items in the house and, 72–73 Intimate relationships. See Relationships
finding items out in the world and, 75 Inventory of unfinished tasks, 98–100
forgetting items when you leave the house,
76
organizing stuff and space and, 163 Job Accommodation Network, 175
Home spaces, 158–166. See also Judgment
Environmental context forgetting and, 69
Household chores. See also Cleaning mindfulness and, 45–46
building tidying rituals/habits and, showing up on time and, 57–58
164–165 Jumping from task to task, 98–100. See also
mindfulness and, 46 Switching gears; Task organization;
organizing stuff and space and, 158–166 Task switching
Household Events Calendar. See also
Calendar System Keeping track of items, 71–79. See also
finding important papers or mail and, 77 Finding items; Organization
forgetting and, 67–68 Knitting, 126

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 220 Index

Labeling Money management. See also Budgeting;

managing strong emotions and, 137 Financial management
Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system and, 19 educating yourself about, 189–190
Lateness, 62–63. See also Showing up on time making a budget, 191
Learning, 122 making thoughtful decisions and, 142–143
Learning disorders, 120 overview, 189–192
Leaving a situation, 127, 134, 206. See also problem-spending areas and, 192
Avoidance tracking spending, 190–191
Life coaching. See Coaching Motivation
Limit setting, 112–114 finding your whys and, 197–200, 203
List making organizing stuff and space and, 158–160
to-do lists, 18–20 Moving your body. See Physical movement
finding items in the house and, 73–74 Multitasking, 117–118
forgetting items when you leave the house, Mutual accountability, 35. See also
76 Accountability Partners
Listening to others. See also Communication
absorbing information, 116–123 N aming conventions, 78
difficulty with, 121–122 Negative thoughts, 94. See also Thoughts
note taking and, 120–121 Niche picking
reducing the impact of ADHD on finding fit at work or school and, 169–172
relationships and, 153, 155–156 overview, 3
Losing stuff, 71–79. See also Finding items principles for living well and, 203
Noise
M ail, 77–78 Emotional Antidotes and, 47
mindfulness and, 46
Managing time. See Time organization
Media use, 104–106, 108. See also Screen reducing distraction and, 25, 26
time; Technology Note taking, 120–121
Medical conditions, 184 Notification settings, 106. See also
Medication Technology
driving safely and, 193 Nutrition, 179–182
forgetting and, 65–67 Nuts-and-Bolts Pathway, 8–9
overview, 6, 186, 212
Meditation. See Mindfulness Online calendar systems, 16, 17–18, 152.
Memory. See also Forgetting; Remembering; See also Calendar System; Technology
Thoughts Optimism, 145–147
absorbing information and, 120 Organization. See also Task organization;
reducing the impact of ADHD on Time organization
relationships and, 152 blitz cleaning and, 165–166
time and task organization and, 15 building rituals/habits and, 164–165
Mental health disorders, 6, 209–210 organizing stuff and space, 71–79, 158–166
Mental multitasking, 117–118 planning and prioritizing and, 83
Menu of moves, 7, 9, 12, 55, 57–63. See also Organization Audit, 160–161
ADHD Toolbox; individual challenges; Overcommitment problems, 112–114. See
individual skills; individual strategies also Commitments to others; Requests
Messiness, 158–166 Overwhelmed feelings, 112–114, 127. See also
Micro-tasks, 91–92. See also Task Chunks; Feelings
Task organization
Mindfulness P aperwork, 77–78
eating well and, 181 Parenting. See Relationships
Emotional Antidotes and, 46–47 Partners, accountability. See Accountability
managing strong emotions and, 134–135 Partners
overview, 44–46 Pathways, 8–9
Moments of Mindfulness. See also Perception of time, 57, 60–61. See also Time
Mindfulness organization
eating well and, 181 Perfectionism, 100–102
managing strong emotions and, 135 Perspectives, 156
overview, 44–46 Phone calls, 91–92

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 Index 221

Phone jail, 106, 108 planning and prioritizing and, 84

Phone use, 104–106, 108. See also Screen sticking with and finishing a task and, 100
time; Technology Processing information, 116–123. See also
Physical movement Information
Emotional Antidotes and, 47 Procrastination. See also Starting a task;
managing restlessness and, 126–127 Stopping a task
mindfulness and, 46 getting started and restarted and, 89–95
overview, 187–188 keeping commitments to others and,
reducing distraction and, 27 114–115
Planner use, 16, 17–18. See also Calendar Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system and,
System; Time organization 20
Planning Productive procrastination, 20. See also
eating well and, 180 Procrastination
making thoughtful decisions and, 142–144 Professional help
overview, 80–84 ADHD coaching, 213–214
reducing distraction and, 26, 27–28 cognitive-behavioral therapy for ADHD,
Rewarding Consequences and, 29–31 210–212
time and task organization and, 15 couples, family, or supportive counseling,
Point of performance, 162, 163 150, 212–213
Pomodoro Technique eating well and, 180
absorbing information and, 118–119 finding fit at work or school and, 171
completing tasks accurately and, 87 medication treatment, 212
getting started and restarted and, 92, 95 obtaining a professional ADHD
managing restlessness and, 125 evaluation, 209–210
overview, 32–33 reducing the impact of ADHD on
reducing distraction and, 27 relationships, 150
sticking with and finishing a task and, substance use and, 186
97–98 Promises to others, keeping, 110–115. See
Positive affirmation. See Support from others also Commitments to others; Requests
Praise. See Support from others Prompts
Principles for living well building tidying rituals/habits and, 165
celebrating wins, 206–207 eating well and, 181
center your whys, 203 finding fit at work or school and, 170
change and, 207 forgetting and, 66–67
collecting tools, skills, and strategies, 204 making thoughtful decisions and, 144
connection and, 206 managing money and, 192
failures and, 204–205 overview, 23–24
finding your niche, 203 Pros and cons technique, 145–147. See also
finding your whys and, 197–200 Decision making
getting curious about avoidance, 206 Prospective memory failure, 64. See also
nothing always works, 204–205 Forgetting; Memory
offloading self-regulation, 205 Purging of stuff, 163–164. See also
overview, 7–9, 195, 201–207 Environmental context; Organization
staying in your lane, 204
thoughts and feelings and, 205–206
you’re doing a hard thing, 202 Questions strategy, 119
you’re greater than your ADHD, 202–203
Prioritization Reading ability, 118–120
eating well and, 180 Reading disorders, 120
organizing stuff and space and, 160–161 Reading instructions, 82, 85–88
overview, 80–84 Reasons, 51, 53
Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system for, Recite strategy, 120
18–20, 84, 91, 100 Red flag thoughts, 39. See also Thoughts
Task-Tracking System and, 17–18 Reduced Distraction Environments plan. See
Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system also Distraction; Environmental context
getting started and restarted and, 91 completing tasks accurately and, 86–87
overview, 18–20 overview, 25, 27–28

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 222 Index

Reduced Distraction Environments plan Resources, 209–214

(continued) Responding to emotions and situations. See
reminders and, 27–28 also Emotions
sticking with and finishing a task and, 97–98 managing strong emotions and, 130–139
Regret principles for living well and, 202
Effective Apologies and, 51, 53 reducing the impact of ADHD on
making thoughtful decisions and, 148 relationships and, 153
managing strong emotions and, 139 Responsibility. See also Daily responsibilities
reducing the impact of ADHD on completing tasks accurately and, 88
relationships and, 153 Effective Apologies and, 51, 53
Regulation, self. See Behavior regulation; getting started and restarted and, 95
Self-regulation lateness and, 63
Rehearsal, 69 reducing the impact of ADHD on
Relationships. See also Accountability relationships and, 151–152, 156–157
Partners; Support from others Restarting a task. See also Starting a task;
Clear Requests and, 48–50 Task organization
Effective Apologies and, 50–52, 53 blitz cleaning and, 166
managing strong emotions and, 130–131, eating well and, 181
132 keeping commitments to others and, 114–115
mindfulness and, 46 overview, 89–95
overview, 44 sticking with and finishing a task and,
principles for living well and, 206 98–100
reducing the impact of ADHD on, Restlessness, 27, 124–129
149–157 Restoration breaks. See Breaks
Remembering. See also Forgetting; Memory Restorative Fun Menu, 128–129
daily tasks, 66–67 Retaining information, 116–123. See also
eating well and, 180 Information
events, 67–68 Retracing steps and actions, 74
key pieces of information, 68 Review strategy, 120
overview, 64–70 Rewarding Consequences
principles for living well and, 202 Accountability Partners and, 35
reducing the impact of ADHD on completing tasks accurately and, 87, 88
relationships and, 152 finding important papers or mail and, 77
Reminders getting started and restarted and, 93, 95
building tidying rituals/habits and, 165 making thoughtful decisions and, 144
Choice Point Analysis and, 39 overview, 29–31
eating well and, 181 Pomodoro Technique and, 33
forgetting and, 66–67 Strategic Task Scheduling and, 32
making thoughtful decisions and, 144 Rewards, 49–50. See also Rewarding
managing money and, 192 Consequences
overview, 23–24 Rituals, 164–165
red flag thoughts and, 39 Road rage, 134
reducing distraction and, 27–28 Routines, 75. See also Daily responsibilities;
showing up on time and, 60 Self-care
Removing self from a situation, 127, 134, Rushing through tasks, 87–88. See also Task
206. See also Avoidance organization
Repair, 51, 53
Repentance, 51, 53 Safety, 193–194. See also Impulsivity; Self-
Requests. See also Clear Requests; regulation
Commitments to others Scheduling. See also Appointments; Calendar
keeping commitments to others and, System; Strategic Task Scheduling;
112–114 Time organization
making thoughtful decisions and, 145, 148 finding fit at work or school and, 170
managing strong emotions and, 138–139 sleeping well and, 183
overview, 48–50 School environment
reducing the impact of ADHD on completing tasks accurately and, 85–88
relationships and, 154–156 finding fit and, 167–178

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 Index 223

Screen reading, 119. See also Reading ability Songs, 47. See also Sounds
Screen time. See also Technology Sounds
absorbing information and, 118 Emotional Antidotes and, 47
driving safely and, 193 mindfulness and, 46
managing restlessness and, 128 reducing distraction and, 25, 26
sleeping well and, 183 Specific goals, 143–144. See also Goals
switching gears when necessary, 104–106, Speed Bumps
108, 118 eating well and, 181
Search features, 78 making thoughtful decisions and, 144
Self-care managing money and, 192
eating well, 179–182 managing strong emotions and, 133–134
moving your body and, 27, 46, 47, overview, 47–48
126–127, 187–188 Spending, tracking, 190–191, 192. See also
sleeping well, 183–184 Money management
substance use and, 185–186 Standing desks, 27, 126
Self-Coaching. See also Coaching Starting a task. See also Task organization
completing tasks accurately and, 88 Accountability Partners and, 33–36
eating well and, 181 alarms, reminders, and prompts and,
forgetting and, 67, 70 23–24
getting started and restarted and, 94, 95 blitz cleaning and, 166
keeping commitments to others and, 115 Choice Point Analysis and, 36–40
keeping track of items and, 79 eating well and, 181
making thoughtful decisions and, 144 getting started and restarted and, 89–95
managing money and, 192 keeping commitments to others and, 114–115
managing strong emotions and, 139 overview, 21
overview, 40–43 Pomodoro Technique and, 32–33
planning and prioritizing and, 84 reducing distraction and, 25–28
showing up on time and, 60, 62 Rewarding Consequences and, 29–31
sticking with and finishing a task and, 99 Self-Coaching and, 40–43
switching gears when necessary, 107, 108 Strategic Task Scheduling and, 31–32
Self-Coaching steps worksheet, 41–43 Task Chunks and, 28–29
Self-regulation. See also Behavior regulation timekeeping devices and, 22–23
ADHD overview and, vii–viii Sticking with a task. See also Finishing a task;
eating well and, 179 Task organization
finding fit at work or school and, 169 keeping commitments to others and,
managing restlessness and, 128 114–115
managing strong emotions and, 130–139 reducing the impact of ADHD on
principles for living well and, 205 relationships and, 152
reducing the impact of ADHD on sticking with and finishing a task, 96–102
relationships and, 151–152, 153 Stimming, 126, 127
switching gears when necessary, 103–109, Stopping a task. See also Finishing a task;
118 Task organization
Self-talk, 40–43, 99. See also Self-Coaching; Accountability Partners and, 33–36
Thoughts alarms, reminders, and prompts and,
Shame, 179–180 23–24
Shared online calendars, 16, 17–18, 152. See Choice Point Analysis and, 36–40
also Calendar System; Technology overview, 21
Showing up on time, 57–63. See also Time Pomodoro Technique and, 32–33
organization reducing distraction and, 25–28
Sights, 25, 26 Rewarding Consequences and, 29–31
Simulations, 83 Self-Coaching and, 40–43
Sleep showing up on time and, 59–60
driving safely and, 194 Strategic Task Scheduling and, 31–32
sleeping well, 183–184 switching gears when necessary, 103–109,
switching gears when necessary, 108 118
Smartphone use, 104–106, 108, 180. See also Task Chunks and, 28–29
Screen time; Technology timekeeping devices and, 22–23

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 224 Index

Storyboards, 83 sleeping well and, 183

Strategic coaching, 41. See also Coaching sticking with and finishing a task and,
Strategic Task Scheduling. See also 98–100
Scheduling; Task organization; Time
organization
completing tasks accurately and, 87
Taking care of yourself. See Self-care
Talking to yourself, 40–43, 99. See also Self-
getting started and restarted and, 93, 95 Coaching; Thoughts
making thoughtful decisions and, 144 Targeted Pathway, 8–9
overview, 31–32 Task Chunks. See also Task organization
Strategies. See ADHD Toolbox completing tasks accurately and, 87
Strengths getting started and restarted and, 91–92
absorbing information and, 120, 123 overview, 28–29
finding fit at work or school and, 168–172 planning and prioritizing and, 82
finding your niche and, 203 Pomodoro Technique and, 33
principles for living well and, 202–203 Task Inventory, 98–100
reading challenges and, 120 Task organization. See also Finishing a task;
relationships and, 149, 155, 206 Organization; Pomodoro Technique;
Stress, 57–58, 112–114 Starting a task; Stopping a task; Strategic
Stuckness, 89–95 Task Scheduling; Task Chunks; Task-
Students with ADHD, 3. See also College Tracking System; Time organization
Substance use, 185–186, 194 absorbing information and, 117–118
Success, 175–178. See also Goals completing tasks accurately, 85–88
Supplements, 182 eating well and, 179–180
Support Communities. See also Support from forgetting and, 66–67
others getting started and restarted and, 89–95
keeping commitments to others and, 115 keeping commitments to others and,
making thoughtful decisions and, 147 110–115
managing money and, 192 overview, 15, 17–18, 28–29, 31–33
overview, 52 Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system and,
reducing the impact of ADHD on 18–20
relationships and, 154–155 reducing the impact of ADHD on
Support from others. See also Accountability relationships and, 151–152
Partners; Relationships; Support sticking with and finishing a task, 96–102
Communities switching gears when necessary, 103–109,
finding fit at work or school and, 171–172, 118
174, 175 Task switching. See also Switching gears;
keeping commitments to others and, 115 Task organization
making thoughtful decisions and, 147 absorbing information and, 117–118
moving your body and, 188 reducing the impact of ADHD on
overview, 33–36 relationships and, 153
planning and prioritizing and, 84 sticking with and finishing a task and,
principles for living well and, 206 98–100
reducing the impact of ADHD on Task-Tracking System. See also Task
relationships, 149–157 organization
resenting or taking for granted, 155–156 getting started and restarted and, 91
sticking with and finishing a task and, 99 keeping commitments to others and, 112
support communities/organizations, 52 overview, 17–18
Supportive coaching, 41. See also Coaching planning and prioritizing and, 81–82, 83
Supportive counseling, 212–213. See also Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system and,
Professional help 18–20
Survey, question, read, recite, review Rewarding Consequences and, 31
(SQ3R) strategy, 119–120 sticking with and finishing a task and,
Survey strategy, 119 98–99, 100
Switching gears. See also Task switching Technology
finding fit at work or school and, 169 absorbing information and, 118, 122
managing money and, 192 driving safely and, 193
overview, 103–109 eating well and, 180

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 Index 225

finding items in the house and, 73 Timers/timekeeping devices

forgetting and, 68 blitz cleaning and, 166
keeping track of items and, 79 completing tasks accurately and, 88
managing restlessness and, 128 getting started and restarted and, 92
online calendars and, 16, 17–18, 152 overview, 22–23
organizing electronic information and Pomodoro Technique and, 32–33
files, 78, 79 showing up on time and, 60
reducing distraction and, 25, 26, 27 switching gears when necessary, 105, 107
reducing the impact of ADHD on To-do lists, 18–20. See also List making; Task
relationships and, 152 organization; Task-Tracking System
switching gears when necessary, 104–106, Toolbox of skills. See ADHD Toolbox
108, 118 Tools and Strategies Log, 12
time cracks and, 62 Tracking spending, 190–191, 192. See also
tracking spending and, 190–191 Money management
Temptation Bundling, 32, 88. See also Transition times, 60–61
Rewarding Consequences; Strategic Trigger situations, 132–134
Task Scheduling Trying tools, 12–13. See also ADHD Toolbox
Text reading, 118–120. See also Reading
ability U nfinished Task Inventory, 98–100
Thoughtful decisions. See also Decision Unfinished tasks, 96–102. See also Finishing
making a task; Restarting a task; Task
eating well and, 181 organization
managing money and, 192
overview, 140–148
reducing the impact of ADHD on
Values
Emotional Antidotes and, 46
relationships and, 153 finding your whys and, 197–200
Thoughts. See also Forgetting; Memory; goals and, 175–178
Self-talk Violence, 150
absorbing information and, 117–118 Visual distractions, 25, 26. See also
Choice Point Analysis and, 39 Distraction
getting started and restarted and, 94 Visual organization systems, 68, 83. See also
managing strong emotions and, 137, 139 Calendar System; Organization; Task-
perfectionism and, 100–102 Tracking System
principles for living well and, 205–206 Visualization, 122
reducing distraction and, 26, 27 Volunteer experiences, 170
Tidying rituals, 164–165. See also Cleaning;
Organization
Time blindness, 57
Wait times, 61–62, 127
Warm-up phase, 13
Time cracks, 61–62, 127
Watches, 22, 60. See also Timers/timekeeping
Time organization. See also Calendar System;
devices
Organization; Task organization
Whys, 197–200, 203. See also Goals;
alarms, reminders, and prompts and,
Motivation; Values
23–24
Wins, celebrating, 206–207
completing tasks accurately and, 88
Work environment
eating well and, 180
accommodations and, 174–175
forgetting and, 66–68
completing tasks accurately and, 85–88
getting started and restarted and, 92 finding fit and, 167–178
keeping commitments to others and, Workout buddy, 35. See also Accountability
110–115 Partners; Physical movement
overview, 15, 16–17 Wrapping up problems, 96–102. See also
Priority Labeling (or Sorting) system and, Finishing a task
18–20
reducing the impact of ADHD on
relationships and, 152 Yoking, 65–67
showing up on time and, 57–63
timekeeping devices and, 22–23 Zoning out, 120–122. See also Distraction

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 about the authors

Laura E. Knouse, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the Univer-

sity of Richmond. She is an expert in studying and treating ADHD
in adults. Her research focuses on the skills people need to cope with
ADHD symptoms and achieve their goals—and the most effective
ways to teach them. Dr. Knouse lives in Richmond, Virginia, with her
husband and two children.

Russell A. Barkley, PhD, ABPP, ABCN, before retiring in 2021,

served on the faculties of the University of Massachusetts Medical Cen-
ter, the Medical University of South Carolina, and Virginia Common-
wealth University. Dr. Barkley is the author of numerous books, six
assessment scales, and more than 300 scientific articles and book chap-
ters on ADHD and related disorders. He is the recipient of awards from
the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological
Association, among other honors. His website is [Link].

226

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