Libretto Vocal Book

Book, Music and Lyrics by Meredith Willson

Based on a story by Meredith Willson and Franklin Lacey
C HARACTERS
TRAVELING SALESMEN
CHARLIE COWELL
CONDUCTOR
HAROLD HILL
NEWSPAPER READERS
MAYOR SHINN
THE QUARTET:
EWART DUNLOP
OLIVER HIX
JACEY SQUIRES
OLIN BRITT
MARCELLUS WASHBURN
TOMMY DJILAS
MARIAN PAROO
MRS. PAROO
AMARYLLIS
WINTHROP PAROO
EULALIE MACKECKNIE SHINN
ZANEETA SHINN
GRACIE SHINN
ALMA HIX
MAUD DUNLOP
ETHEL TOFFELMIER
MRS. SQUIRES
CONSTABLE LOCKE
RIVER CITY TOWNSPEOPLE
RIVER CITY KID
M U S I C A L N U M B E R S – ACT ONE
1. Overture (Orchestra)……………….……………….……………...………1

SCENE ONE

2. Train Opening (Orchestra)………………………………………….……………1

3. Rock Island (Salesmen, Charlie Cowell, Newspaper Readers)…………….…..2

SCENE TWO

4. Iowa Stubborn (Townspeople, Farmer/Wife)…………………………………….10

5. Ya Got Trouble (Harold, Townspeople)…………………….....…………………..15

6. Trouble Playoff & Walking Music ( Townspeople)……………………………………………………22

SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

7. Piano Lesson & If You Don’t Mind My Saying So (Mrs. Paroo, Marian)………………………………………………23

8. Goodnight My Someone (Marian, Amaryllis)………………………………………………..30

SCENE FIVE

9. Columbia Gem of the Ocean (Eulalie, Townspeople)……………………………………………..31

10. Ya Got Trouble {Reprise} (Harold)…………………………………………………………….35

11,12,13. 76 Trombones, Ballet & Playoff (Harold, Townspeople, Orchestra)……………………………...37-38

14. Ice Cream/Sincere (Harold, Quartet)………………………………………………….42

SCENE SIX

15. Walking Music {Reprise} (Orchestra)………………………………………………………...44

16. The Sadder But Wiser Girl (Harold, Marcellus)………………………………………………..47

17. Pick-A-Little & Goodnight Ladies (Harold, Alma, Ethel, Eulalie, The Ladies, Quartet)……………...50

SCENE SEVEN

18. Marian the Librarian (Harold)…………………………………………………………...53

19. Marian – Dance (Harold)…………………………………………………………...56

20. First Seventy Six Trombones Crossover (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….57

SCENE EIGHT

SCENE NINE

SCENE TEN

23. My White Knight (Marian)…………………………………………………………64

SCENE ELEVEN
25. Wells Fargo Wagon (Townspeople, Winthrop, Quartet)………………………………67

ACT TWO

26. Entr’ance (Orchestra)…………………………………………………….…73

SCENE ONE

27. Eulalie’s Ballet (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….73

28. Its You (Quartet)………………………………………………………….73

29. Shipoopi (Marcellus, Townspeople)………………………………………...75

30. Shipoopi Dance - Part 1 (Orchestra)………………………………………………………..77

31. Shipoopi Dance - Part 2 (Orchestra)………………………………………………………..77

32. Shipoopi Dance - Part 3 (Townspeople)…………………………………………………….77

33. Shipoopi Dance – Playoff (Orchestra)………………………………………………………..77

34. Pick –A–Little {Reprise} (Alma, Ethel, Eulalie, Maud, Mrs. Squires, The Ladies)…………82

SCENE TWO

35. Lida Rose & Will I Ever Tell You? (Harold, Quartet, Marian)………………………………………...85

SCENE THREE

36. Gary, Indiana (Winthrop, Mrs. Paroo, Marian)………………………………….89

37. Lida Rose {Reprise} (Quartet)

…………………………………………………………...93

38. It’s You – Ballet (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….100

SCENE FOUR

39. Till There Was You (Harold, Marian)…………………………………………………103

40. Goodnight My Someone & 76 Trombones

Double Reprise (Harold, Marian)…………………………………………………

106

SCENE FIVE

41. Ice Cream Socialable (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….108

SCENE SIX

42. Chase Music (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….109

43. Till There Was You {Reprise} (Harold)…………………………………………………………..112

SCENE SEVEN

44. Finale – Act 2 (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….115

45. Curtain Call Music (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….116

46. Exit Music (Orchestra)……………………………………………………….116

SONGS BY CHARACTER
ALMA HIX

#17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little, & Goodnight Ladies………………………………………………………………...50

#34 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise}………………………………………..…………………………………...82

AMARYLLIS

#8 – Goodnight My Someone……………………………………………………………………………………………30

CHARLIE COWELL

#3 – Rock
Island…………………………………………………………………………………………………………...2

ETHEL TOFFELMIER

#17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little, & Goodnight Ladies………………………………………………………………...50

#34 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise}………………………………………..…………………………………...82

EULALIE MACKECKNIE SHINN

#9 – Columbia Gem of the Ocean……………………………………………………………………………………..…31

#17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little, & Goodnight Ladies………………………………………………………………...50

#34 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise}………………………………………..…………………………………...82

FARMER & FARMER’S WIFE

#4 – Iowa Stubborn………………………………………………………………………………………………………
10

HAROLD HILL

#5 – Ya Got Trouble……………………………………………………………………………………………………...15

#10 – Ya Got Trouble {Reprise}………………………………………………………………………………………….35

#11 – 76 Trombones……………………………………………………………………………………………………...37

#14 – Ice Cream/Sincere…………………………………………………………………………………………………42

#16 – The Sadder But Wiser Girl………………………………………………………………………………………..47

#17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little & Goodnight Ladies………………………………………………………...………50

#18 – Marian the Librarian……………………………………………………………………………………………...53

#19 – Marian – Dance…………………………………………………………………………………………………...56

#35 – Lida Rose & Will I Ever Tell You? .........................................................................................................................85

#39 – Till There Was You………………………………………………………………………………………………103

 #40 - Goodnight My Someone & 76 Trombones

{Double Reprise}…………………………………………………………………………………………………...106

#43 – Till There Was You {Reprise}……………………………………………………………………………………112

THE LADIES

#17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little, & Goodnight Ladies………………………………………………………………...50

#34 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise} ………………………………………..…………………………...……...82

MARCELLUS WASHBURN

#16 – The Sadder But Wiser Girl………………………………………………………………………………………..47

#29 – Shipoopi…………………………………………………………………………………………………...………75

MARIAN PAROO

#7 – Piano Lesson & If You Don’t Mind My Saying So………………………………………………………………..23

#8 – Goodnight, My Someone…………………………………………………………………………………………...30

#23 – My White Knight…………………………………………………………………………………………………64

#35 – Lida Rose & Will I Ever Tell You? ………………………………………………………………………………85

#36 – Gary, Indiana……………………………………………………………………………………………………. 89

#39 – Till There Was You………………………………………………………………………………………………103

#40 - Goodnight My Someone & 76 Trombones

{Double Reprise}…………………………………………………………………………………………………...106

MAUD DUNLOP

#34 Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise} ……………………………………………………………………………...82

MRS, PAROO

#7 – Piano Lesson & If You Don’t Mind My Saying So………………………………………………………………..23

#36 – Gary, Indiana……………………………………………………………………………………………………...89

MRS. SQUIRES

#34 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little {Reprise}…………………………………………………………………………….82

NEWSPAPER READERS

#3 – Rock
Island…………………………………………………………………………………………………………...2

QUARTET

#14 – Ice Cream/Sincere…………………………………………………………………………………………………42

 #17 – Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little & Goodnight Ladies

#24 – The Wells Fargo Wagon…………………………………………………………………………………………...67

#28 – It’s You…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….73

#35 – Lida Rose & Will I Ever Tell You? ……………………………………………………………………………….85

#37 – Lida Rose {Reprise} ……………………………………………………………………………………………….93

TOWNSPEOPLE

#4 – Iowa Stubborn………………………………………………………………………………………………………
10

#5 – Ya Got Trouble……………………………………………………………………………………………………...15

#6 – Trouble – Playoff……………………………………………………………………………………………………22

#9 – Columbia, Gem of the Ocean……………………………………………………………………………………….31

#11 – 76 Trombones……………………………………………………………………………………………………...37

#24 – The Wells Fargo Wagon…………………………………………………………………………………………...67

#29 – Shipoopi……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
75

#32 – Shipoopi Dance – Part 3…………………………………………………………………………………………..77

TRAVELING SALESMEN

#3 – Rock Island…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..2

WINTHROP PAROO

#24 – The Wells Fargo Wagon…………………………………………………………………………………………...67

#36 – Gary, Indiana……………………………………………………………………………………………………...89

NOTE:

Dear Director,

The Music Man was intended to be a valentine and not a caricature. Please do not
let the actors – particularly Zaneeta, Mayor Shinn, and Mrs. Shinn, who takes
herself quite seriously – mug or reach for comedy effect. The Del Sarte ladies also
should be natural and sincere, never raucous, shrewish or comic per se. The
humor of this piece depends upon its technical faithfulness to the real small-town
Iowans of 1912 who certainly did not think they were funny at all.

Faithfully,

MEREDITH WILLSON
 THE MUSIC MAN
ACT 1

#1 Overture

SCENE ONE

#2 Train Opening
(TIME: The morning of July 4th, 1912.

AT RISE: Train effect scrim rises on a red-plushed, kerosene-lamped,

enamel-drinking-cupped railway coach in full cry. One seat has been
turned in the coach to accommodate a card game – the participants being
three TRAVELING SALESMEN and a STRANGER whose back is to the
AUDIENCE and who is concentrated throughout the scene on winning
every pot, which he drops by handfuls into an open suitcase on the floor
by his side. A FOURTH SALESMAN is kibitzing. A few seats forward in
the coach a FIFTH SALESMAN is reading a newspaper, until he finds
himself drawn into the conversation among the SALESMEN. Several
other PASSENGERS are behind newspapers. We hear “train-slowing-
down” MUSIC. The train slows and stops.)

CONDUCTOR

(Poking head into coach LEFT)

River City Junction – River City next stop!

(EXITS)

SALESMAN #1

You’re crazy with the heat. Credit is no good for a notion salesman.
 CONDUCTOR

(Poking head into coach again)

Boart! All abort!

(EXITS)

SALESMAN #2

Why not? What’s the matter with credit?

SALESMAN #1

It’s old-fashioned. Charlie, you’re an anvil salesman – your firm

give credit?
(Train makes starting noise in ORCHESTRA.)

CHARLIE COWELL

No sir!

SALESMAN #1

Nor anybody else.

(Train starting, dialogue in time to train acceleration.)

CONDUCTOR

River City. River city next.

#3 – Rock Island (Salesmen, Charlie Cowell, Newspaper

Readers)

SALESMAN #1

CASH FOR THE MERCHANDISE –

CASH FOR THE BUTTON-HOOKS –

SALESMAN #2

(Nodding)

CASH FOR THE COTTON GOODS –

CASH FOR THE HARD GOODS –

SALESMAN #1
CASH FOR THE SOFT GOODS –
CASH FOR THE FANCY GOODS –

SALESMAN #2

CASH FOR THE NOGGINS AND THE PIGGINS AND THE FIRKINS.
 SALESMAN #3

CASH FOR THE HOGSHEAD, CASK AND DEMIJOHN.

CASH FOR THE CRACKERS AND THE PICKLES
AND THE FLY-PAPER.

SALESMAN #4

(Train at running speed.)

LOOK WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK,

WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK.

SALESMAN #5

WHEREDAYAGITIT?

SALESMAN #4

WHADAYATALK?

SALESMAN #1

YA CAN TALK, YA CAN TALK,

YA CAN BICKER, YA CAN TALK,
YA CAN BICKER, BICKER, BICKER,
YA CAN TALK, YA CAN TALK,
YA CAN TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK,
BICKER, BICKER, BICKER,
YA CAN TALK ALL YA WANNA
BUT IT’S DIFFER’NT THAN IT WAS.

CHARLIE COWELL

(Ill-tempered)

NO IT AIN’T, NO IT AIN’T,
BUT YA GOTTA KNOW THE TERRITORY.

SALESMAN #3

CHI, CHI, CHI, CHI, CHI, CHI, CHI.

WHY IT’S THE MODEL T FORD
MADE THE TROUBLE,
MADE THE PEOPLE WANT TO GO
WANNA GIT WANNA GIT
WANNA GIT UP AND GO
7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, 22, 23
MILES TO THE COUNTY SEAT –

SALESMAN #1

YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
 SALESMAN #3

WHO’S GONNA PATRONIZE

A LITTLE BITTY TWO-BY-FOUR
KINDA STORE ANYMORE?

(As each NEWSPAPER READER speaks he lowers his paper long

enough to say his line, then it goes back up before his face.)

SALESMAN #4

WHATDAYATALK, WHATDAYATALK.

NEWSPAPER READER #1

WHEREDAYAGITIT?

CHARLIE COWELL

NOT THEMODEL T AT ALL,

TAKE A GANDER AT THE STORE,
AT THE MODREN STORE,
AT THE PRESENT DAY STORE
AT THE PRESENT DAY
MODREN DEPARTMENTALIZED GROC’RY STORE.

SALESMAN #4

WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK,

WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK.

NEWSPAPER READER #1

WHEREDAYAGITIT?

SALESMAN #4

WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK.

NEWSPAPER READER #1

WHEREDAYAGITIT?

SALESMAN #1

YA CAN TALK, YA CAN BICKER,

YA CAN TALK, YA CAN BICKER,
YA CAN TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK,
BICKER, BICKER, BICKER,
YA CAN TALK ALL YA WANNA
BUT IT’S DIFFER’NT THAN IT WAS.

CHARLIE COWELL

NO IT AIN’T, BUT YA GOTTA KNOW THE TERRITORY.

 SALESMAN #3

WHY, IT’S THE U-NEEDA BISCUIT

MADE THE TROUBLE.
U-NEEDA, U-NEEDA,
PUT THE CRAKERS IN A PACKAGE, IN A PACKAGE,
THE U-NEEDA BISCUIT
IN AN AIR-TIGHT SANITARY PACKAGE
MADE THE CRACKER BARREL OBSOLETE, OBSOLETE.

CHARLIE COWELL

OBSOLETE, OBSOLETE, OBSOLETE.

SALESMAN #4

CRACK BARREL WENT OUT THE WINDOW

WITH THE MAIL POUCH CUT PLUG CHAWIN’ BY THE STOVE…
CHANGED THE APPROACH OF A TRAVELIN’ SALESMAN,
MADE IT PRETTY HARD –

CHARLIE COWELL

NO IT DIDN’T, NO IT DIDN’T,
BUT YA GOTTA KNOW THE TERRITORY.

SALESMAN #3

GONE, GONE.

SALESMAN #1

GONE WITH THE HOGSHEAD, CASK AND DEMIJOHN,

GONE WITH THE SUGAR BARREL, PICKLE BARREL, MILK PAN,
GONE WITH THE TUB AND THE PAIL AND THE TIERCE.

SALESMAN #5

(Elder statesman)

EVER MEET A FELLA BY THE NAME A’ HILL?

SALESMAN #1

HILL?

CHARLIE COWELL
HILL!

SALESMAN #3

HILL?

SALESMAN #4

HILL?

NEWSPAPER READER #1

HILL?

NEWSPAPER READER #2

HILL?

NEWSPAPER READER #3

HILL?

SALESMAN #5

HILL!

ALL BUT CHARLIE COWELL

NO!

(ALL NEWSPAPERS go back up. There is a WHISTLE and

ORCHESTRA is heard.)

CHARLIE COWELL

JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE –

SALESMAN #4

NEVER HEARD A’ AN SALESMAN HILL –

SALESMAN #5

NOW, HE DOESN’T KNOW THE TERRITORY –

SALESMAN #1

DOESN’T KNOW THE TERRITORY?

 SALESMAN #3

WHAT’S THE FELLA’S LINE?

SALESMAN #5

NEVER WORRIES ‘BOUT HIS LINE.

SALESMAN #1

NEVER WORRIES ‘BOUT HIS LINE?

SALESMAN #5

OR THE CRACKER BARREL BEIN’ OBSOLETE,

OR THE UNEEDA BISCUIT
IN AN AIR-TIGHT SANITARY PACKAGE,
OR THE MODEL T FORD –

CHARLIE COWELL

JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE, JUST A MINUTE –

SALESMAN #5

NEVER WORRIES ‘BOUT HIS LINE –

SALESMAN #3

NEVER WORRIES ‘BOUT HIS LINE?

SALESMAN #5

OR A DOGGONE THING.
HE’S JUST A BANG BEAT, BELL-RINGIN’,
BIG HAUL, GREAT GO,
NECK-OR-NOTHIN’, RIP-ROARIN’,
EVER’TIME-A-BULL’S-EYE SALESMAN,
THAT’S PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL, HAROLD HILL.

NEWSPAPER READER #1

TELL US, WHAT’S HIS LINE?

WHAT’S HIS LINE?

CHARLIE COWELL

HE’S A FAKE, AND HE DOESN’T KNOW THE TERRITORY!

 SALESMAN #4

LOOK, WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK,

WHADAYATALK, WHADAYATALK.

SALESMAN #5

HE’S A MUSIC MAN.

SALESMAN #3

HE’S A WHAT? HE’S A WHAT?

SALESMAN #5

HE’S A MUSIC MAN,

AND HE SELLS CLARINETS TO THE KIDS IN THE TOWN,
WITH THE BIG TROMBONES AND THE RATATAT DRUMS,
AND THE BIG BRASS BASS, BIG BRASS BASS,
AND THE PICCOLO, THE PICCOLO, UNIFORMS TOO,
WITH THE SHINY GOLD BRAID ON THE COAT,
AND A BIG RED STRIPE RUNNING –

SALESMAN #1

WELL! –
I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT BANDS,
BUT I DO KNOW YOU CAN’T MAKE A LIVIN’
SELL’ BIG TROMBONES – NO SIR!
MANDOLIN PICKS, PERHAPS,
AND HERE AND THERE A JEWS-HARP –

SALESMAN #5

NO, THE FELLA SELLS BANDS,

BOYS’ BANDS.
I DON’T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT,
BUT HE LIVES LIKE A KING,
AND HE DALLIES AND HE GATHERS,
AND HE PLUCKS AND HE SHINES,
AND WHEN THE MAN DANCES,

(SALESMAN #5)

CERTAINLY, BOYS, WHAT ELSE:

THE PIPER PAYS HIM.
YESSS – SIR.
YES SIR, YES SIR, YES SIR,
WHEN THE MAN DANCES
CERTAINLY BOYS, WHAT ELSE:
THE PIPER PAYS HIM.

ALL

YES SIR. YES SIR.

CHARLIE COWELL

BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW THE TERRITORY!

(ORCHESTRA button. Train stops.)

CONDUCTOR

(OFFSTAGE)

River City! River City!

(ENTERS)

River City! We’re ‘cross the state line into Iowa. River City!
Population twenty two hundred and twelve. Seegarettes illegal in
this state. Booart!
(EXITS)

CHARLIE COWELL

All right, if you’re all through I’ll tell you about Harold Hill!

SALESMAN #5

You really know Harold Hill?

CHARLIE COWELL

Never saw him in my life but I know this much – he’s giving every
one of us a black eye! After he’s worked a town over, the next
salesman to arrive gets automatically tarred and feathered and
rode out to the city limits on a rail.
(THEY laugh)

You think that’s funny. Well, wait till it happens to you! Your hair
never grows back.

(COWELL pulls off hat.)

(THEY react)

SALESMAN #1
 But why should he get rode out’a town on a rail?

CHARLIE COWELL

Because in order to sell band instruments, and uniforms, and

instruction books, he has to guarantee to teach the kids to play.

SALESMAN #3

Well?

CHARLIE COWELL

And to form them kinds into a band! With himself as the leader!

SALESMAN #5

What’s wrong with that?

CHARLIE COWELL

He don’t know one note from another that’s what’s wrong with that!
And he can’t tell a bass drum from a pipe organ! I’ll catch up with
that swindlin’ two-bit thimble rigger, and when I do I’ll squeal on him
so loud –

SALESMAN #5

(Laughing)

Wow, you’re mad, Charlie!

Sure like to be around when you catch up with that fella.

CHARLIE COWELL

Well it won’t be on this trip. Not in Iowa. Even the great Professor
Harold Hill wouldn’t try to sell them neck-bowed Hawkeyes out
here.

CONDUCTOR

(OFFSTAGE)

Booaart!
(THE STRANGER makes a fast decision and grabs his suitcase.)

STRANGER

Gentlemen, you intrigue me. I think I’ll have to give Iowa a try.
 CHARLIE COWELL

(Coldly)

Don’t believe I caught your name.

#4 – Iowa Stubborn (Townspeople, Farmer, Farmer’s Wife)

(STRANGER turns and we see him for the first time. It is our hero. HE
flashes suitcase which bears the legend “PROF. HAROLD HILL” and he
EXITS from train as all heads go out the windows.

Coach splits in two to reveal a full stage view of River City’s Main Street
immediately following. The town is in 4th of July bunting and the stubborn
Iowans are out in force.)

SCENE TWO

(TIME: Immediately following.

AT RISE: River City, Iowa, center of town, exterior.

TOWNSPEOPLE are seen en tableau.

MAYOR SHINN ENTERS from the Billiard Parlor, leaving the door open
for TWO WORKMEN who ENTER carrying a large crate containing a
visible pool table which they take into the Billiard Parlor.)

TOWNSPEOPLE

OH, THERE’S NOTHIN’ HALFWAY

ABOUT THE IOWA WAY TO TREAT YOU,
WHEN WE TREAT YOU,
WHICH WE MAY NOT DO AT ALL.
THERE’S AN IOWA KINDA
SPECIAL CHIP-ON-THE-SHOULDER ATTITUDE
WE’VE NEVER BEEN WITHOUT THAT WE RECALL.

WE CAN BE COLD
AS OUR FALLING THERMOMETERS IN DECEMBER
IF YOU ASK ABOUT OUR WEATHER IN JULY.
AND WE’RE SO BY GOD STUBBORN,
WE CAN STAND TOUCHIN’ NOSES
FOR A WEEK AT A TIME AND NEVER SEE EYE-TO-EYE.

BUT WHAT THE HECK! YOU’RE WELCOME,

JOIN US AT THE PICNIC.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR FILL
OF ALL THE FOOD YOU BRING YOURSELF.
YOU REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE IOWA A TRY,
PROVIDED YOU ARE CONTRARY.

BOY

Good morning, Mayor Shinn.

MAN

Good morning, Mayor Shinn.

SHINN

It is, if you wanta go ‘round in your drawers all day.

(MUSIC phrase)

ALMA

And there I was in the Madison Hospital and nobody come to see
me. Cousin Will never come, Aunt Bertha never come –

ETHEL

Your Aunt Bertha’s dead.

ALMA

She wouldn’t a’ come anyway.

(MUSIC phrase)

TOWNSPEOPLE

WE CAN BE COLD
AS OUR FALLING THERMOMETERS IN DECEMBER
IF YOU ASK ABOUT OUR WEATHER IN JULY.
AND WE’RE SO BY GOD STUBBORN,
WE CAN STAND TOUCHIN’ NOSES
FOR A WEEK AT A TIME AND NEVER SEE EYE-TO-EYE.

(A cappella a la chorale)

BUT WE’LL GIVE YOU OUR SHIRT,

AND A BACK TO GO WITH IT
IF YOUR CROP SHOULD HAPPEN TO DIE.

(The TWO WORKMEN leave Billiard Parlor carrying a pool table packing
case frame to CENTER, as FARMER and WIFE who have ENTERED
meet down CENTER. THEY turn inside frame for short pose as GRANT
WOODS “AMERICAN GOTHIC”)

FARMER

(Breaking pose, in tempo)

SO WHAT THE HECK! YOU’RE WELCOME.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FARMER, WIFE

EVEN THOUGH WE MAY NOT EVER MENTION IT AGAIN.

TOWNSPEOPLE

YOU REALLY OUT TO GIVE IOWA –

HAWKEYE, IOWA, DUBUQUE, DES MOINES,
DAVENPORT, MASHALTOWN,
MASON CITY, KEOKUK, AMES, CLEAR LAKE –
OUGHT TO GIVE IOWA A TRY.

(HAROLD crosses to business from labeled “RIVER CITY LIVERY

STABLE, JACEY SQUIRES, Prop.” HAROLD addresses a short, wiry
man about 36, JACEY SQUIRES.)

HAROLD

Ah, Mr. Squires? Yes, I’m interested in a rig for Sunday, if you could
accommodate me.

JACEY

(In a high-pitched tenor)

Then I expect you’d out to see the man in charge a’ hirin’ rigs.
(EXITING into Livery Stable, HE turns.)

Who is late as usual.

(MARCELLUS WASHBURN, roundish, perspiring, ENTERS hurriedly from
the wings. At Livery Stable door HE takes out his key. As HE is about to
open the door HE looks up and see HAROLD, rubs his eyes in disbelief)

MARCELLUS

Hey, Gregory!

HAROLD
 Marcellus!

MARCELLUS

You old son of a gun! What in –

HAROLD

(Hastily pushing aside proffered hand)

Sh – sh – shhh.

MARCELLUS

But Greg –

HAROLD

Professor Hill’s the name – Harold Hill.

MARCELLUS

But Greg, what are you doing here? Whyn’t you let me know you
was comin’?

HAROLD

I didn’t know I was myself. Besides how could I know you’d end up
in a little tank town like this? You were a pretty big slicker when you
were in business with me.

MARCELLUS

Too many close shaves the way you work. Besides I got me a nice
comfortable girl – Ethel Toffelmier – boss’s niece.

HAROLD

Gone legitimate, huh? I knew you’d come to no good.

MARCELLUS

What’s the new pitch?

(HAROLD pantomimes conducting.)

You’re not back in the band business! I heard you was in steam
automobiles.

HAROLD
I was.

MARCELLUS

What happened?

HAROLD

Somebody actually invented one.

MARCELLUS

No!

HAROLD

Now give me the lowdown here, Marce.

MARCELLUS

You’ll never get anywhere in the band business with these stubborn
Iowans, Greg. Besides we got a stuck-up music teacher here
who’ll expose you before you get your grip unpacked.

HAROLD

Male or female?

MARCELLUS

The music teacher? She’s the librarian – female.

HAROLD

Perfect! That’s what I wanted to hear. If she passes by point her

out to me.

MARCELLUS

I will. How you gonna start the pitch?

HAROLD

Same old way. Keep that music teacher off balance – and then my
next step will be to get your town out of the serious trouble it’s in.

MARCELLUS
 River City isn’t in any trouble.

HAROLD

Then I’ll have to create some. I have to create a desperate need

for a Boys’ Band. You remember – Now what’s new around here.
What can I use?

MARCELLUS

Nothin’ – except the billiard parlor’s just put in a new pool table.

HAROLD

They never had a pool table here before?

MARCELLUS

No – only billiards.

HAROLD

That’ll do.

(Puts down his suitcase.)

See you later, Marce – and don’t forget – music teacher.

(Pantomimes piano playing.)

MARCELLUS

Pantomiming as HE EXITS)

Music teacher.
(HAROLD approaches EWART DUNLOP who has come out of his
grocery and is looking up at his sign.)

HAROLD

Ah – you’re Mr. Dunlop.

EWART

Yep.

HAROLD
 Either you’re closing your eyes to a situation you don’t wish to
acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster
indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.
(As HAROLD continues, TOWNSPEOPLE gather around him one by one.
N.B. The word “Slam” in the following merely denotes a rhythmic pulse.)

#5 – Ya Got Trouble (Harold, Townspeople)

(HAROLD)

(Slam)

WELL, YA GOT TROUBLE, MY FRIEND –

(Slam)

RIGHT HERE.
I SAY, TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY.
WHY SURE, I’M A BILLIARD PLAYER,
CERTAINLY MIGHT-Y PROUND,
I SAY, I’M ALWAYS MIGHTY PROUD TO SAY IT.

(Slam)

I CONSIDER THAT THE HOURS I SPEND

WITH A CUE IN MY HAND ARE GOLDEN.

(Slam)
(Slam)

HEL YPU CULTIVATE HORSE SENSE

AND A COOL HEAD AND A KEEN EYE.
‘JEVER TAKE AND TRY TO GIVE
AN IRON-CLAD LEAVE TO YOURSELF
FROM A THREE-RAIL BILLIARD SHOT?

(Slam)

BUT JUST AS I SAY IT TAKES JUDGMENT,

BRAINS AND MATURITY
TO SCORE IN A BALKLINE GAME,
I SAY THAT ANY BOOB KIN TAKE ‘N’ SHOVE
A BALL IN A POCKET,

(Slam)

AND I CALL THAT SLOTH!

THE FIRST BIG STEP ON THE ROAD
TO THE DEPTHS OF D-GRA-DA –
I SAY, FIRST IT’S A LITTLE – AH –
MEDICINAL WINE FROM A TEASPOON;

(HAROLD)

THEN BEER FROM A BOTTLE.

(Slam)

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOUR SON IS PLAYIN’ FER MONEY
IN A PINCH-BACK SUIT,

(Slam)

AND LIST’NIN’ TO SOME BIG, OUT-A-TOWN JASPER,

HEARIN’ HIM TELL ABOUT HORSE-RACE GAMBLIN’.

(Slam)

NOT A WHOLESOME TROTTIN’ RACE, NO!

BUT A RACE WHERE THEY SE’ DOWN
RIGHT ON A HORSE!

(Slam)

LIKE TO SEE SOME STUCK-UP JOCKEY BOY

SETTIN’ ON A DAN PATCH?
MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL?
WELL I SHOULD SAY.

(Slam)

NOW FRIENDS,
LEMME TELL YOU WHAT I MEAN.

(Slam)

YA GOT ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR,

FIVE, SIX POCKETS IN A TABLE!
POCKETS THAT MARK THE DIFF’RENCE
BETWEEN A GENTLEMAN AND A BUM,
WITH A CAPITAL “B”,
AND THAT RHYMES WITH “P”,
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL.

(Slam)
AND ALL WEEK LONG
YOUR RIVER CITY YOUTH’LL BE
FRITTERN AWAY
I SAY, YOUR YOUNG MEN’LL BE FRITTERN.

(HAROLD)

(Slam)

FRITTERN AWAY
THEIR NOON-TIME, SUPPER-TIME –
CHORE-TIME, TOO!

(Slam)

GET THE BALL IN THE POCKET!

NEVER MIND GETTING’ DANDELIONS PULLED
OR THE SCREEN DOOR PATCHED
OR THE BEEFSTEAK POUNDED.

(Slam)

NEVER MIND PUMPIN’ ANY WATER

‘TIL YOUR PARENTS ARE CAUGHT
WITH THE CISTERN EMPTY ON A SATURDAY NIGHT,

AND THAT’S TROUBLE,

OH YES, YA GOT LOTS ‘N’ LOTS A’ TROUBLE.
I’M THINKIN’ OF THE KIDS IN THE KNICKERBOCKERS,
SHIRT-TAIL YOUNG-ONES PEEKIN’ IN THE
POOL HALL WINDA AFTER SCHOOL –
YA GOT TROUBLE,

(Slam)

FOLKS

(Slam)

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY.

(Slam)

TROUBLE, WITH A CAPITAL “T,”

AND THAT RHYMES WITH “P,”
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!
NOW I KNOW ALL YOU FOLKS
ARE THE RIGHT KIND A’ PARENTS.
(Slam)

I’M GONNA BE PERFECTLY FRANK.

(Slam)

(HAROLD)

WOULD YA LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT KINDA CONVERSATION GOES ON
WHILE THEY’RE LOAFIN’ AROUND THE HALL?
THEY’LL BE TRYIN’ OUT BEVO;
TRYIN’ OUT CUBEBS;
TRYIN’ OUT TAILOR MADES,
LIKE CIGARETTE FIENDS!

(Slam)

AND BRAAAGGIN’
ALL ABOUT HOW THEY’RE GONNA
COVER UP A TELL-TALE BREATH
WITH SEN-SEN.
ONE FINE NIGHT

(Slam)

THEY LEAVE THE POOL HALL,

HEADIN’ FOR THE DANCE AT THE ARM’RY!
LIBERTINE MEN AND SCARLET WOMEN AND
RAG-TIE – SHAMELESS MUSIC
THAT’LL DRAG YOUR SON AND YOUR DAUTHER
WITH THE ARMS OF A JUNGLE ANIMAL INSTINCT
MASS-STERIA!

(Slam)

FRIENDS, THE IDLE BRAIN

IS THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND,
TROUBLE!

(The TOWNSPEOPLE join HAROLD.)

TOWNSPEOPLE

OH, WE GOT TROUBLE!

HAROLD

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

 TOWNSPEOPLE

RIGHT HEREIN RIVER CITY!

HAROLD

WITH A CAPITAL “T”,

AND THAT RHYMES WITH “P”,
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL

TOWNSPEOPLE

THAT STANDS FOR POOL.

HAROLD

WE’VE SURELY GOT TROUBLE!

TOWNSPEOPLE

WE SURELY GOT TROUBLE –

HAROLD

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

TOWNSPEOPLE

-RIGHT HERE.

HAROLD

GOTTA FIGGER OUT A WAY TO KEEP

THE YOUNG ONES MORAL AFTER SCHOOL.

HAROLD, TOWNSPEOPLE

OUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN GONNA HAVE TROUBLE,

TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE…

(Chant continues in background through HAROLD’S speech.)

HAROLD

Mothers of River City! Heed the warning before it’s too late! Watch
for the tell-tale signs of corruption! The moment your son leaves the
house does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? Is
there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in
the corn crib? Is he memorizing jokes out of captain Billy’s Whiz
 bang? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like
“swell” and “so’s your old man”? If so, my friends –
(Slam)
(Slam)

YA GOT TROUBLE!

TOWNSPEOPLE

OH, WE GOT TROUBLE!

HAROLD

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

TOWNSPEOPLE

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

HAROLD

WITH A CAPITAL “T”,

AND THAT RHYMES WITH “P”,
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

TOWNSPEOPLE

THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

HAROLD

WE’VE SURELY GOT TROUBLE!

TOWNSPEOPLE

WE SURELY GOT TROUBLE!

HAROLD

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

TOWNSPEOPLE

RIGHT HERE!

HAROLD

REMEMBER THE MAIN, PLYMOUTH ROCK,

 AND THE GOLDEN RULE!

HAROLD AND TOWNSPEOPLE

OUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN GONNA HAVE TROUBLE.

HAROLD TOWNSPEOPLE

OH, WE’VE GOT TROUBLE. TROUBLE, TROUBLE,

WE’RE IN TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE TROUBLE, TROUBLE,
TROUBLE. TROUBLE, TROUBLE,
THAT GAME WITH THE TROUBLE, TROUBLE,
FIFTEEN NUMBERED BALLS TROUBLE, TROUBLE,
IS THE DEVIL’S TOOL! TROUBLE, TROUBLE
DEVIL’S TOOL!

HAROLD

OH YES, WE’VE GOT TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE!

TOWNSPEOPLE

OH YES, WE GOT TROUBLE HERE,

WE GOT BIG, BIG TROUBLE!

HAROLD

WITH A “T” –

TOWNSPEOPLE

WITH A CAPITAL “T”!

HAROLD

GOTTA RHYME IT WITH “P” –

TOWNSPEOPLE

THAT RHYMES WITH “P”!

HAROLD

AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

TOWNSPEOPLE
THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

(PEOPLE hold for finish.

As THEY start a reprise, MARCELLUS runs ONSTAGE excitedly, waves

to HAROLD and starts pantomiming wild piano arpeggios which we hear
in the ORCHESTRA.)

#6 – Trouble Playoff & (Townspeople)

Walking Music

TOWNSPEOPLE

OH, WE GOT TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE,

RIGHT HEREINRIVER CITY
WITH A CAPITAL “T”,
AND THAT RHYMES WITH “P”,
AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!
STANDS FOR POOL!

WE’VE SURELY GOT TROUBLE, TROUBLE!

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!
RIGHT HERE!
GOTTA FIGGER OUT A WAY TO KEEP
THE YOUNG ONES MORAL AFTER SCHOOL.

(The VOICES collapse, the TOWNSPEOPLE freeze in a “dim,” the

WALKING MUSIC segues immediately as MARIAN, an attractive young
lady picked up in FOLLOW SPOT, hurries through in tempo. HAROLD
follows HER off. The TRAVELLER CLOSES behind HIM.)

SCENE THREE

(PLACE: A Street.

TIME: Immediately following)

HAROLD

(Offering his own handkerchief)

Did you drop your –

MARIAN
 No!

HAROLD

Didn’t I meet you in –

MARIAN

No!

HAROLD

I will only be in town a short while –

MARIAN

Good!
(The porch now appears LEFT. MARIAN ENTERS house, slamming door
in HAROLD’S face. LIGHTS FADE FORESTAGE and come up behind
SCRIM where we see

SCENE FOUR

(TIME: Immediately follow.

SCRIM RISES: The interior of a small house. AMARYLLIS, a small-fry

freckle-faced eight-year old girl, is playing the piano. MRS. PAROO, a
cheerful-looking forty, continues her household chores, as AMARYLLIS
plays, in halting tempo where she isn’t sure and too fast where she is.)

#7 – Piano Lesson & If (Mrs. Paroo & Marian)

You Don’t My Saying
So

MRS. PAROO

(Calling. Speaks in Irish brogue.)

That you, daughter?

MARIAN

(OFFSTAGE)

Yes, Mama. Keep on, Amaryllis. I’ll be there in a minute.

(On the down-beat of the fourth bar, AMARYLLIS plays the melody note a
half tone too high, and turns around to appeal wordlessly to MRS. PAROO
who, in the manner of one well accustomed to this occurrence, plays the
correct note as automatically as she does her other tasks. AMARYLLIS
happily starts over, apparently the usual step in this well-worn routine.
Again the wrong note – again the correction. As AMARYLLIS settles
herself for the third go-round, MARIAN ENTERS in a hurry.)

MARIAN

Hello, Mama.
(MARIAN starts to piano in time to correct AMARYLLIS’ clinker.)

Fine, dear. Now your exercises.

AMARYLLIS

(Replacing her piece in music roll.)

Yes, Mom.

MRS. PAROO

I don’t remember the liberry bein’ open last Fourth a’ July.

MARIAN

It was, Mama, all evening. Mama, a man with a suitcase has been
following me all over town.

MRS. PAROO

Oh – who?

MARIAN

I never saw him before.

MRS. PAROO

Did he say anything?

MARIAN

He tried.

MRS. PAROO

Did you say anything?

MARIAN
 Mama, of course not.
(AMARYLLIS begins her exercises.)

Now don’t dawdle, Amaryllis.

SOL, DO, LA, RE, TI, MI, A LITTLE SLOWER,

AND PLEASE KEEP THE FINGERS CURVED
AS NICE AND HIGH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

(MARIAN)

Don’t get faster, dear.

(MARIAN winds metronome.)

MRS. PAROO

If you don’t mind my saying so, it wouldn’t have hurt you to find out
what the gentleman wanted.

MARIAN

I know what the gentleman wanted.

MRS. PAROO

What, dear?

MARIAN

You’ll find it in Balzac.

MRS. PAROO

Excuse me fer livin’ but I’ve never read it.

(AMARYLLIS repeats in new key, as MARIAN beats out strict time along
with metronome.)

MARIAN

NEITHER HAS ANYONE ELSE IN THIS TOWN.

MRS. PAROO

THERE YOU GO AGAIN

WITH THAT SAME OLD COMMENT
ABOUT THE LOW MENTALITY
OF RIVER CITY PEOPLE
AND TAKIN’ IT ALL TOO MUCH TO HEART.
 MARIAN

Now, Mama, as long as the…

MADISON PUBLIC LIBRARY

WAS ENTRUSTED TO ME
FOR THE PURPOSE OF IMPROVING
RIVER CITY’S CULTURAL LEVEL,
I CAN’T HELP MY CONCERN
THAT THE LADIES OF RIVER CITY
KEEP IGNORING ALL MY COUNCIL AND ADVICE.

MRS. PAROO

BUT DARLING,
WHEN A WOMAN’S GOT A HUSBAND
AND YOU’VE GOT NONE,
WHY SHOULD SHE TAKE ADVICE FROM YOU?
EVEN IF YOU CAN QUOTE BALZAC AND SHAKESPEARE
AND ALL THEM OTHER HIGH FALUTIN’ GREEKS.

MARIAN

MAMA, IF YOU DON’T MIND MY SAYING SO,

YOU HAVE A BAD HABIT
OF CHANGING EV’RY SUBJECT –

MRS. PAROO

NOW I HAVEN’T CHANGED THE SUBJECT.

I WAS TALKIN’ ABOUT THAT STRANGER –

MARIAN

WHAT STRANGER?

MRS. PAROO

WITH THE SUITCASE,

WHO MAY BE YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE!

MARIAN

MAMA!
DO YOU THINK THAT I’D ALLOW A COMMON MASHER?
NOW REALLY, MAMA!
I HAVE MY STANDARDS WHERE MEN ARE CONCERNED,
AND I HAVE NO INTENTION –
 MRS. PAROO

I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR STANDARDS,

AND IF YOU DON’T MIND MY SAYIN’ SO,
THERE’S NOT A MAN ALIVE
WHO COULD HOPE TO MEASURE UP
TO THAT BLEND A’ PAUL BUNYAN,
SAINT PAT AND NOAH WEBSTER
YOU’VE CONCOCTED FOR YOURSELF
OUT A’ YOUR IRISH IMAGINATION,
YOUR IOWA STUBBORNNESS,
AND YOUR LIBERRY FULL A’ BOOKS!

(Fine chord from AMARYLLIS.)

MARIAN

(Hands on hips, gets slightly Irish in her exasperation.)

Well, if that isn’t the best I’ve ever heard!

AMARYLLIS

Thank you. Can I have a drink, please?

MARIAN

May I have a –

AMARYLLIS

May I have a drink, please?

MARIAN

Yes, dear.
(As AMARYLLIS starts to the sink, a nine-year old BOY with a set, sullen
face ENTERS without a word, heading for bedroom door UPSTAGE.)

MRS. PAROO

Winthrop. It’s after dark.

(WINTHROP halts in his tracks.)

Is that a way to walk into the house?

WINTHROP

Hello.
 (Tries to EXIT.)

MRS. PAROO

That won’t do at all. I’ll have a kiss from my boy.

(WINTHROP walks to his mother, stands stubbornly in her embrace for a
moment, then starts out again.)

The lady over there is your sister, young man.

(WINTHROP repeats the uncooperative performance with MARIAN.)

AMARYLLIS

Hello, Winthrop.
(WINTHROP stares at the floor.)

MRS. PAROO

Winthrop, where’s your manners.

AMARYLLIS

I’m having a party on Saturday. Will you please come?

(Silence)

I would especially like it very much if you’d come… Winthrop?

(Silence)

MRS. PAROO

Well, Winthrop, Amaryllis asked you to her party. Are you goin’ or
aren’t you?

WINTHROP

No.

MRS. PAROO

No what?

WINTHROP

No, thank you.

MRS. PAROO

You know the little girl’s name.

 AMARYLLIS

He won’t say Amaryllis because of the “s” because of his lisp. He’s
ashamed.

MRS. PAROO

We know all about his lisp, Amaryllis. Well, Winthrop.

AMARYLLIS

I’ll be he won’t say it.

(Tiptoeing closer to WINTHROP, SHE tries to peer into his face.)

WINTHROP

No thank you, Amaryllis.

(AMARYLLIS hops up and down giggling gleefully.)

AMARYLLIS

Amaryllith – Amaryllith.
(SHE moves closer to WINTHROP, stoops and looks up into his face as
HE continues to stare at his feet. SHE turns to MRS. PAROO with
surprise.)

He’s crying.
(WINTHROP bolts out of the room. MRS. PAROO follows him.)

Why does he get so mad at people – just because he lisps?

MARIAN

It’s not only because he lisps. That’s just part of it, Amaryllis.

AMARYLLIS

What’s the other part?

MARIAN

Never mind, dear. It’s just that he never talks very much.

AMARYLLIS

Not even to you and your mother?

MARIAN
No, dear. We all have to be a little patient.

AMARYLLIS

I’m patient. Even though he doesn’t ever talk to me – but I do him –

every night – I say goodbye to him on the evening star. You have
to do it the very second you see it, too, or it doesn’t count.
“Goodnight, my Winthrop, goodnight. Sleep tight.”

(Starts to cry.)

MARIAN

There, darling, don’t cry, you have lots of time.

If not Winthrop, there’ll be someone else.

AMARYLLIS

Never! I’ll end up an old maid like you.

(Catches herself.)

I’m sorry, Miss Marian. Can I play my cross-hand piece?

MARIAN

May I play my –

AMARYLLIS

May I play my cross-hand piece?

MARIAN

You may.

AMARYLLIS

See, without a sweetheart you have no one to say goodnight to on

the evening star.

MARIAN

I know, Amaryllis. For the time being just say goodnight my –

someone. You can put the name in when the right someone comes
along.

AMARYLLIS
 All right. It’s better than nothing.

MARIAN

Yes it is… now you can play your cross-hand piece.

AMARYLLIS

(Settling herself.)

Now I may play my cross-hand piece.

#8 – Goodnight My (Marian, Amaryllis)

Someone
(As AMARYLLIS plays, MARIAN goes to window. The TRAVELLER
closes in leaving her in the window, looking at evening star.)

MARIAN

GOODNIGHT, MY SOMEONE,
GOODNIGHT, MY LOVE.
SLEEP TIGHT, MY SOMEONE,
SLEEP TIGHT, MY LOVE.
OUR STAR IS SHINING
ITS BRIGHTEST LIGHT
FOR GOODNIGHT, MY LOVE,
FOR GOODNIGHT.

SWEET DREAMS BE YOURS, DEAR,

IF DREAMS THERE BE;
SWEET DREAMS TO CARRY YOU
CLOSE TO ME.
I WISH THEY MAY,
AND I WISH THEY MIGHT.
NOW GOODNIGHT, MY SOMEONE,
GOODNIGHT.
TRUE LOVE CAN BE WHISPERED
FROM HEART TO HEART,
WHEN LOVERS ARE PARTED, THEY SAY.
BUT I MUST DEPEND ON A WISH AND A STAR,
AS LONG AS MY HEART
DOESN’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

SWEET DREAMS BE YOURS, DEAR,

IF DREAMS THEEERE BE.
SWEET DREAMS TO CARRY YOU
CLOSE TO ME.
(AMARYLLIS has come to the window.)

MARIAN, AMARYLLIS

I WISH THEY MAY,

AND I WISH THEY MIGHT.
NOW GOODNIGHT, MY SOMEONE,
GOODNIGHT.
GOODNIGHT.
GOODNIGHT.

(BLACKOUT)

SCENE FIVE

(TIME: Thirty minutes later.

Interior of the Madison Gymnasium in River City High School which

appears to be well-filled. It is sparingly decorated with red, white and blue
bunting. EULALIE, fifty and gushy, costumed as Columbia with a torch in
her hand, leads the singing as ETHEL TOFFELMIER, a curvaceous 35,
sways at the player piano, as she pumps an “expressive” accompaniment
to “Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean.”)

(ALL TOWNSPEOPLE, led by EULALIE MACKECKNIE SHINN, SING in

BLACKOUT, and as LIGHTS come up.)

#9 – Columbia, Gem of the Ocean (Eulalie, Townspeople)

EULALIE, TOWNSPEOPLE

THY BANNERS MAKE TYRANNY TREMBLE,

WHEN BORNE BY THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
WHEN BORNE BY THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
WHEN BORNE BY THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
THY BANNERS MAKE TYRANNY TREMBLE,
WHEN BORNE BY THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE.

(At the conclusion of the number EULALIE steps down from the rostrum to
polite applause and MAYOR GEORGE SHINN steps forward. HE is self-
important.)

SHINN

I’m sure we’re all grateful to my wife, Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn, for
leading the singing and to Jacey Squires for his fine stereoptican
slides –
(JACEY wheels the stereoptican machine off.)

…and to Ethel Toffelmier, our fine player-piano player – piano.

(Applause.)

As Mayor of River City, I welcome you River Citizians to the Fourth

of July exercises set up for the indoors here in Madison
Gymnasium account the weather.
Four score –
(“Flap-flap-flap-flap” interrupts the MAYOR’S speech. It is the end of the
piano roll which MISS TOFFELMIER has been re-winding at the piano.
SHINN looks around indignantly, then resumes his speech.)

Four score –
(EWART DUNLOP rises from his seat in front of MAYOR and hands him a
note. SHINN, reading.)

Ah – the members of the School Board will now present a patriotic

tablow.
(the THREE MEMBERS of the School Board who are seated on the
rostrum indicate HE is wrong. He looks at note again.)

Oh – the members of the School Board will not present a patriotic

tablow. Some disagreement about costumes, I suppose. Instead
the Wa Tan Ye girls of the local wigwam of Heeawatha will present
a spectacle my wife –

(Catching himself. Looks at notes again.)

In which my wife –
(MARIAN, now seated at the piano, starts to play INDIAN RHYTHM. HE
indicates he has not finished. SHE stops.)

Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn, will take a leading part.

(HE nods to MARIAN and she plays as six lovely corn-fed seventeenish
GIRLS appear and mount the rostrum. Each wears a feather in a head-
band. THEY are doing an Indian war dance step. EULLIE precedes them
in full Indian head-dress, carrying a tom-tom which SHE beats to
MARIAN’S Indian rhythm. AMARYLLIS, dressed as a GUIDE, follows her,
struggling with a Springfield rifle.

EULALIE, bearing the tom-tom, adjusts the GUIDE’S sagging rifle.)

EULALIE

(Peering RIGHT.)

Wa Tan Ye!
 GIRLS

(Peering RIGHT.)

WA TAN YE!

EULALIE

(Again adjusting the rifle, then peering RIGHT)

Wa Tan Ye!

GIRLS

WA TAN YE!

EULALIE

I will now count to twenty in the Indian tongue! Een teen tuther,
feather fip!
(TOMMY DJILAS, seated on the floor in front of EULALIE, now sets off a
large FIRECRACKER. EULALIE swoons.)

I’m shot, George, who shot me?

(The MAYOR comforts her, aiding her OFFSTAGE. There is considerable
disturbance.)

CONSTABLE LOCKE

(Rising)

Who set off that cracker?

GRACIE SHINN

I know who did it. Tommy Djilas did it – Tommy Djilas did it.

ALMA

Yes, it was Tommy Djilas.

CONSTABLE LOCKE

(As TOMMY tries to escape.)

Tommy Djilas, I wouldn’t leave if I’se you.

(TOMMY sits. CONSTABLE LOCKE joins him ominously.)
 SHINN

(Returning to rostrum.)

Mrs. Shinn will recover, no thanks to a certain young ruffian who is

a disgrace to our city. Four score and seven –
(JACEY SQUIRES RE-ENTERS, crosses to rostrum, hands MAYOR a
note, and takes empty seat with the rest of the School Board.)

“The Paine’s Fireworks Spectacle, Las Days of Pompy-eye will take

place, providing the rain stops by nine-thirty. It’ll be out to Madison
Picnic Park in the far meadow, ‘cross the crick from the Pest
House.”

EWART DUNLOP

How can it be raining? Didn’t the Gazette predict fair?

(Rolling THUNDER is heard.)

JACEY SQUIRES

Sure did, Ewart, that’s why we all prepared for a storm.

OLIN BRITT

The Gazette is acc’r’t most a’ the time and you know it, Jacey.

OLIVER HIX

You wouldn’t last very long in the bankin’ business bein’ accur’t
most a’ the time.
(A verbal free-for-all is under way.)

SHINN

Now just a minute – let’s have order here! Order! Order!

(The quarrel subsides. The MEN sit. The TRAIN WHISTLE is heard. All
the MEN take out their watches.)

OLIVER

Hmm. Number eight’s late again tonight.

JACEY

I make her early.

EWART
 She’s late alright.

OLIN

She’s right on time, ‘smatter’th your watch?

(THEY’RE off again. SHINN struggles for order.)

SHINN

Will you members of the School Board stop bicker’n in public?

OLIN

All in the world that I said was –

SHINN

(Hastily)

Never mind! Four score –

HAROLD

(Half rising from where he has been an unobserved spectator)

We heard there’s a pool table in town.

MAN

Yeah – that’s what I heard.

SHINN

Now just a minute –

MAUD

Is it a pool table or isn’t it?

SHINN

Will you allow me to get on with the exercises?

MAN #2

We don’t want any more exercises till we get this pool table matter
settled!

HAROLD
 Let’s protect our children.
(CROWD reacts.)

Resist sin and corruption.

(CROWD reacts.)

Smite that devil and keep our young boys pure.

(CROWD reacts.)

#10 – Trouble Reprise (Harold)

HAROLD

(Appearing on the podium.)

Friends…

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

(Slam)

ATTENTION, PLEASE!

(Slam)
(Slam)

I CAN DEAL WITH THIS TROUBLE, FRIENDS,

WITH A WAVE OF MY HAND, THIS VERY HAND!
PLEASE OBSERVE ME IF YOU WILL.

I’M PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL,

AND I’M HERE TO ORGANLIZE
THE RIVER CITY BOYS’ BAND!

(HAROLD)

(DRUM ROLL)

PRRRRR!
OH, THINK, MY FRIENDS,
HOW COULD ANY POOL TABLE EVER HOPE TO
COMPETE WITH A GOLD TROMBONE?
RAAAA-RAAAAA
RA-DA-DA-DA-DA
RAAA-RA.
REMEMBER, MY FRIENDS,
WHAT A HANDFUL OF TRUMPET PLAYERS
DID TO THE FAMOUS, FABLED WALLS OF JERICHO!
(Slam)

OH, BILLIARD PARLOR WALLS

COME TUMBLING DOWN!

(Slam)
(Slam)
(Slam)

OH, A BAND’LL DO IT, MY FRIENDS,

OH, YES! I MEAN A BOYS’ BAND.
DO YOU HEAR ME?

(Slam)

I SAY, RIVER CITY’S GOTTA HAVE A BOYS’ BAND,

AND I MEAN SHE NEEDS IT TODAY.

(Slam)

WELL, PROFESSOR HAROLD HILL’S ON HAND

AND RIVER CITY’S GONNA HAVE HER BOYS’ BAND!
AS SURE AS THE LORD MADE LITTLE GREEN APPLES,
AND THAT BAND’S GONNA BE IN…

…uniform! Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred! And you’ll see the glitter of
crashing Cymbals, And you’ll hear the thunder of rolling Drums; the
shimmer of Trumpets – Tantara! And you’ll feel something akin to
the electric thrill I once enjoyed when Gilmore,
(Slam)

Liberatti,
(Slam)

Pat Conway,
(Slam)

The Great Creatore,

(Slam)

W.C. Handy,
(Slam)

And John Philip Sousa all came to town on the very same historic
day.

#11 – Seventy-Six Trombones (Harold, Townspeople)

SEVENTY SIX TROMBONES LED THE BIG PARADE,
WITH A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS CLOSE AT HAND.
THEY WERE FOLLOWED BY ROWS AND ROWS
OF THE FINEST VIRTUOSOS,
THE CREAM OF EV’RY FAMOUS BAND.

SEVENTY SIX TROMBONES CAUGHT THE MORNING SUN,

WITH A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS RIGHT BEHIND.
THERE WERE MORE THAN A THOUSAND REEDS
SPRINGING UP LIKE WEEDS.
THERE WERE HORNS OF EV’RY SHAPE AND KIND.

THERE WERE COPPER BOTTOM TIMPANI IN HORSE PLATOONS,

THUNDERING, THUNDERING, ALL ALONG THE WAY.
DOUBLE BELL EUPHONIUMS AND BIG BASSOONS,
EACH BASSOON HAVING HIS BIG FAT SAY.

THERE WERE FIFTY MOUNTED CANNON IN THE BATTERY,

THUNDERING, THUNDERING, LOUDER THAN BEFORE.
CLARINETS OF EV’RY SIZE
AND TRUMPETERS WHO’D IMPROVISE
A FULL OCTAVE HIGHER THAN THE SCORE.

(HAROLD parades with the KIDS.)

 TOWNSPEOPLE

SEVENTY SIX TROMBONES HIT THE COUNTERPOINT,

WHILE A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS BLAZED AWAY.
TO THE RHYTHM OF HARCH! HARCH! HARCH!
ALL THE KIDS BEGAN TO MARCH,
AND THEY’RE MARCHING STILL – RIGHT TODAY!

#12 – Seventy-Six Trombones – Ballet (Orchestra)

(There is a choreographic interpolation in which all the KIDS [DANCERS],

carried along by the spirit of the song, pantomime instruments. The
number winds up with the entire ENSEMBLE parading. As THEY
disperse, SHINN corners the SCHOOL BOARD.)

#13 – Seventy-Six Trombones - Playoff (Orchestra)

SHINN

Men, this calls for emergency action. That man is a spellbinder. I

haven’t seen Iowa people get so excited since the night Frank
Gotch and Strangular Lewis lay on the mat for three and a half
hours without moving a muscle! Never mind! I want his credentials.
(TOMMY DILAS, being escorted out by CONSTABLE LOCKE, suddenly
cuts and runs. Reversing his field, TOMMY runs into HAROLD, who holds
him.)

Grab that hoodlum! He almost blew up Mrs. Shinn!

CONSTABLE

Thank you, Professor. Have to make an example of him.

Ringleader, you know. What he does the gang does.

TOMMY

Jeely Kly, lemme go.

SHINN

Ya wild kid, ya. Hanging around my oldest girl. His father is one
a’them day laborers south a’town. Ya wild kid, ya.

(To HAROLD)
Taggin’ down Main Street after my oldest girl last Sunday.

TOMMY

I wasn’t either taggin’

SHINN

Don’t you counterdict me –

TOMMY

We’uz just walkin’ together, Jeely Kly –

SHINN

You watch your frazolagy! I know what you’uz doin’, my little Gracie
seen ya. Now you stay away from my oldest girl or you’ll hear from
me till who laid the rails! Hill, I’ll talk to you Monday morning about
this band thing. Over’t City Hall. Ten o’clock sharp.

(Aside as HE EXITS)

Men, I want that spellbinder’s credentials.

HAROLD

(As CONSTABLE starts off with TOMMY)

Constable. I’ll be responsible for the boy.

CONSTABLE

You don’t know this kid – he’s tough, and he’s got his gang waitin’
outside.

HAROLD

Oh, I’ll be careful. Tommy, like to talk to you about the band.

TOMMY

Aw gee, Professor, that’s for the little kids.

HAROLD

I’m not talking about you playing in the band. You’re mechanically
minded, aren’t you? Ever do anything with perpetual motion?
 TOMMY

(Sullenly)

Nearly had it a couple times.

HAROLD

You did? You’re my man! Do you realize nobody has ever invented
a music-holder for a marching piccolo player?

(Holds arms in piccolo playing position)

No place to hang the music.

TOMMY

(Impressed)

Jeely Kly! Wonder where I could get some wire from.

HAROLD

Look in your cellar, that’s where people keep wire.

(TOMMY starts tearing out. The CONSTABLE makes a move, HAROLD
restrains him.)

Oh, Tommy!

TOMMY

(Stopping in midflight)

Yessir?
(CONSTABLE LOCKE reacts in astonishment at the “sir”)

HAROLD

(Aside to CONSTABLE)

Now, Constable, I’ll show you how to break up a gang.

(Looks around)

Oh, young lady. Oh miss –

(HE beckons to a very pretty WA TAN YE GIRL, pink and sixteen)

What’s your name?

 YOUNG GIRL

(Approaching)

Zaneeta. I didn’t have any idea you was beckoning to me. Ye

Gods.

HAROLD

Do you know Tommy Djilas?

ZANEETA

Well, I –

HAROLD

Tommy, this is Zaneeta. Escort the young lady home.

ZANEETA

Only excepting I’m not going home. I have to go’t the Liberry. Ye
Gods.

HAROLD

Then escort the young lady home by way of the library –

(Takes out coins)

By way of the candy kitchen.

TOMMY

(Grinning)

Yes sir. Do I hafta?

HAROLD

You hafta.

TOMMY

Yes sir.

ZANEETA

(As SHE and TOMMY EXIT)

 Ye Gods.

CONSTABLE

Professor, you’re a pretty bright young fellow. You made a couple

mistakes, though.

HAROLD

Oh?

CONSTABLE

The Mayor happens to own the Billiard Parlor and that new pool
table.

HAROLD

Oh. What was my other mistake?

CONSTABLE

That Zaneeta. She’s the Mayor’s oldest girl.

(As HAROLD starts to cross to the LADIES who have ENTERED RIGHT,
the SCHOOL BOARD approaches him from LEFT)

EWART DUNLOP

(The second tenor)

Just a minute – Professor Hill. We’d like to have your credentials.

We’re the school board.

OLIN BRITT

(The bass – contradicting)

Academic certificates.

OLIVER

(The baritone, to OLIN, with irritation)

Nothing of the kind!

EWART

(To OLIVER, irascibly)

 We need letters and papers!

JACEY

(The high tenor, to the OTHERS, nastily)

Make him put up a bond!

HAROLD

What am I hearing?

#14 – Ice Cream/Sincere (Harold, Quartet)

(Whirling back to OLIN, blows pitch pipe)

Say –

(SIGS on low note)

(HAROLD)

ICE CREEEEM.

OLIN

Ice Cream, but I don’t sing young man, if that’s what you’re –

HAROLD

All right, talk then.

(Low)

Down here!

OLIN

Ice Cream.

HAROLD

Talk slow!

OLIN

(In a rich rolling bass)

ICE CREEEEM.

HAROLD

See? Singing is only sustained talking.

(Pointing to OLIVER – on a baritone note)

NOW YOUUUU.

OLIVER

(In a full baritone)

ICE CREEEEM.

HAROLD

(To EWART)

NOW YOUUUU. RIGHT HEEER.

EWART

ICE CREEEEM.

HAROLD

(Points skyward to JACEY)

Now, you, sir!

JACEY

(On the high note)

ICE CREEEEEEEMMMM.

HAROLD

(Crossing to the LADIES)

Ladies, from now on you’ll never see one of those men without the
other three.

EULALIE
 Oh, Professor, you’re wrong! Why they’ve hated each other for
fifteen years.

JACEY, EWART, OLIN, OLIVER

(Behind HAROLD’S back THEY hit a gorgeous chord)

ICE CREAM.
ICE CREAM.
ICE CREAM.

(HAROLD takes, joins the MEN as THEY are shaking hands all around
and congratulating each other.)

HAROLD

(Pointing at QUARTET)

HOW CAN THERE BE –

OLIVER

-ANY-

QUARTET

-SIN IN “SINCERE”?
WHERE IS THE GOOD IN “GOODBYE”?

EWART, OLIVER, OLIN

IN “GOODBYE”?

QUARTET

YOUR APPREHENSIONS CONFUSE ME, DEAR,

PUZZLE AND MYSTIFY.
MYSTIFY…

(MARIAN EXITS with HAROLD in pursuit, the LADIES move UPSTAGE

as the LIGHTS dim and the QUARTET moves down into 1 in a FOLLOW
SPOT)

TELL ME,
WHAT CAN BE FAIR IN “FAREWELL”, DEAR,
WHILE ONE SINGLE STAR SHINES ABOVE?
HOW CAN THERE BE ANY SIN IN “SINCERE?”
AREN’T WE SINCERELY IN LOVE?
 EWART, OLIVER, OLIN

OH, WE’RE IN LOVE.

(As QUARTET holds its last gorgeous note we BLACKOUT. The MUSIC
segues to Walking Music.)

SCENE SIX

#15 – Walking Music (Reprise) (Orchestra)

(TIME: Immediately following.

AT RISE: Lights come up on the street in front of the Library. Walking

Music accompanies MARIAN’S entrance. HAROLD is following.)

HAROLD

I don’t suppose you live alone, or anything?

MARIAN

No!

HAROLD

I’ve got some wonderful caramels over’t the hotel if you’d –

(MARIAN and MUSIC stop abruptly)

MARIAN

Mister hill.

HAROLD

Professor Hill.

MARIAN

Professor of what? At what college do they give a degree for

annoying women on the street like a Saturday night rowdy at a
public dance hall?

HAROLD

Oh I wouldn’t know about that. I’m a Conservatory man myself.

Gary, Indiana Gold Medal Class of ’05.
 MARIAN

Even should that happen to be true does that give you the right to
follow me around wherever I go? Another thing, Mister Hill, I’m not
as easily mesmerized or hood-winked as some people in this town
and I think it only fair to warn you that I have a shelf full of reference
books in there which may very well give me some interesting
information about you.
(MARIAN EXITS into the Library. As HAROLD starts after her,
MARCELLUS ENTERS.)

MARCELLUS

Hey, Gregory!

HAROLD

Oh hi, Marcellus. And don’t call me Greg.

MARCELLUS

How’d you make out with the music teacher?

HAROLD

Scrumptious. Ate out of my hand the minute I tipped my hat?

MARCELLUS

She did! Boy, did you cut a swath tonight. For a minute I thought
you knew somethin’ about leadin’ a band. Just like when you used
to imitate that band-concert fellow back in Joplin.

HAROLD

Yeah!

(Pantomimes conducting)

Aw – kid stuff. I’m in rare form these days, son. Just to keep your
eyes on me for the next four weeks.

MARCELLUS

Four weeks! It only used to take ten days for the instruments to
arrive.

HAROLD
It still does. But it takes four weeks for the uniforms.

MARCELLUS

Oh, no, Greg! You haven’t added uniforms!!???

HAROLD

Uniforms and instruction books.

MARCELLUS

Instruction books! But you can’t pass yourself off as a music

professor – I mean not for any four weeks.

HAROLD

(Ruefully)

Marce –

MARCELLUS

But you don’t know one note from another.

HAROLD

I have a revolutionary new method called the Think System where

you don’t bother with notes.

MARCELLUS

But in four weeks the people will want to hear the music! You’ll have
to lead a band.

HAROLD

But when the uniforms arrive they forget everything else – at least
long enough for me to collect and leave. Oh this is a refined
operation, son, and I’ve got it timed right down to the last wave of
the brakeman’s hand on the last train out’ a town. And now, Mr.
Washburn, if you’ll excuse me –

MARCELLUS

Gonna line yourself up a little canoodlin’ huh?

 HAROLD

Well –

MARCELLUS

Say, I could fix you up with Ethel’s sister – lovely girl – teaches
Sunday School.

HAROLD

No wide-eyed, eager wholesome innocent Sunday School teacher

for me. That kinda girl spins webs no…

#16 – The Sadder but Wiser Girl (Harold, Marcellus)

…SPIDER EVER – LISTEN BOY –

A GIRL WHO TRADES ON ALL THAT PURITY
MERELY WANTS TO TRADE MY INDEPENDENCE
FOR HER SECURITY.

THE ONLY AFFIRMATIVE SHE WILL FILE

REFERS TO MARCHING DOWN THE AISLE.

NO GOLDEN, GLORIOUS, GLEAMING PRISTINE GODDESS,

NO, SIR!
FOR NO DIANA DO I PLAY FAUN.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I SNARL, I HISS.
HOW CAN IGNORANCE BE COMPARED TO BLISS?
I SPAKR, I FIZZ,
FOR THE LADY WHO KNOWS WHAT TIME IT IS.
I CHEER, I RAVE,
FOR THE VIRTUE I’M TOO LATE TO SAVE.
THE SADDER BUT WISER GIRL FOR ME.

NO BRIGHT-EYED, BLUSHING,
BREATHLESS BABY-DOLL BABY,
NO, SIR!
THAT KINDA CHILD TIES KNOTS
NO SAILOR EVER KNEW.

(HAROLD)

I PREFER TO TAKEA CHANCE

ON A MORE ADULT ROMANCE.
NO DEWY YOUNG MISS WHO KEEPS RESISTING
ALL THE TIME SHE KEEPS INSISTING.

NO WIDE-EYED, WHOLESOME,
INNOCENT FEMALE.
NO, SIR!
WHY, SHE’S THE FISHERMAN,
I’M THE FISH, YOU SEE?
PLOP!

I FLINCH, I SHY,
WHEN THE LASS WITH THE DELICATE AIR GOES BY.
I SMILE, I GRIN,
WHEN THE GAL WITH A TOUCH OF SIN WALKS IN.
I HOPE, I PRAY,
FOR HESTER TO WIN JUST ONE MORE “A”.
THE SADDER BUT WISER GIRLS’ THE GIRL FOR ME.
THE SADDER BUT WISER GIRL FOR ME.

(HAROLD is starting towards the Library as the WOMEN come chattering

in. EULALIE hanging back, MARCELLUS escapes. HAROLD is
surrounded.)

ALMA

Oh, Professor Hill, we’re all agog – simply agog!

MAUD

On the que veev!

MRS. SQUIRES

Everyone’s so excited about the band.

ETHEL

(Loud voice)

I’m Ethel Toffelmier. The pianola girl?

MAUD

And this is Mrs. Squires, and Mrs. Hix. And of course you met
Eulalie MacKecknie Shinn? Our Mayor’s wife? Isn’t it exciting,
Eulalie?

EULALIE
 Oh, I couldn’t say. I could not say. Oh no. I could not say, at this
time. My husband will wish to investigate, I’m sure. And naturally
I’m reticent. Oh yes, I’m reticent.

HAROLD

Of course, Mrs. Shinn, I understand. But you see, part of my music

plans include a committee on the dance and – no wait – wait! Do
that again Mrs. Shinn!
(SHE looks behind her, mystified.)

Your foot! The way you raised it, just now!

EULALIE

(Lifting foot slightly)

Oh. Well I have a bunion there that bothers –

HAROLD

Ohhh what grace! What natural flow of rhythm! What expression of

line and movement!

EULALIE

Mr. Hill.

HAROLD

You must accept the chairmanship of the Ladies Auxiliary for the
Classic dance, mustn’t she, ladies?

THE WOMEN

Oh yes! Please! You must, Eulalie.

HAROLD

Every move you make, Mrs. Shinn, bespeaks Del Sarte. Will you –
will you? Say yes, Mrs. Shinn!

EULALIE

(Moving forward amid flutters, SHE murmurs.)

Eulalie MacKecknie Shinn – ah – well! I – ah – that is – Dancing!

Well!
 HAROLD

Then you accept?

EULALIE

Yes indeed! And I would like to say –

HAROLD

Thank you. Now the young lady who plays the piano – Marian
Paroo, I believe?
(The LADIES all gasp)

After all she is the librarian.

#17 – Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little & (Alma, Ethel, Eulalie, The Ladies,

Goodnight, Ladies Harold, Quartet)
(The LADIES, instantly huddling)

ALMA

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.

ALMA, ETHEL

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.

ALL LADIES

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP

(Continues as background under following dialogue.)

MAUD

Professor, her kind of woman doesn’t belong on any committee. Of

course I shouldn’t tell you this but she advocates dirty books.

HAROLD

Dirty books!
 ALMA

CHAUCER!

ETHEL

RABELAIS!

EULALIE

BAL-ZAC!

MAUD

And the worst thing – of course I shouldn’t tell you this but…

ALMA

I’ll tell.

ETHEL

The man lived on my street. Let me tell.

 EULALIE

(Grabs the ball determinedly.)

Stop!
(Everything stops)

I’ll tell. She made brazen overtures to a man who never had a
friend in this town till she came here – old Miser Madison.

HAROLD

(Puzzled)

Miser Madison. Madison Gymnasium, Madison Picnic Park,

Madison Hospital – that Miser Madison?

MAUD

Exactly. Who’d he think he was anyway?

HAROLD

Well I should say. Showoff. Gave the town the library too, didn’t
he?

ETHEL

That’s just it. When he died he left the liberry building to the city…

MAUD

But he left all the books to her!

EULALIE

She was seen going and coming from his place.

ALMA

Oh yes. Oh yes. That woman made…

ALMA LADIES

BRAZEN OVERTURES PICK-A-LITTLE,

(Slam) TALK-A-LITTLE…
(Continues)
WITH A GILT-EDGE GUARANTEE!
SHE HAD A GOLDEN GLINT IN HER EYE,
AND A SILVER VOICE
WITH A CONTERFEIT RING!
(Slam)

JUST MELT HER DOWN

AND YOU’LL REVEAL
A LUMP OF LEAD
AS COLD AS STEEL!

ALMA

HERE!

(Thump)

WHERE A WOMAN’S HEART SHOULD BE.

EULALIE, ALMA, MAUD, ETHEL, MRS. SQUIRES

HE LEFT RIVER CITY

THE LIBRARY BULIDNG,
BUT HE LEFT ALL THE BOOKS TO HER!

ALMA

CHAUCER!

ETHEL

RABELAIS!

EULALIE

BAL-ZAC!

THE LADIES

…PICK-A-LITTLE, TALK-A-LITTLE,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP!

(LADIES continue “Pick-A-Little” etc. Under dialogue as HAROLD tries to

escape. The QUARTET ENTERS.)

JACEY

Just a minute, here! We need your credentials.

 HAROLD

Yes, of course. I have just what you want over at the Hotel. Come
with me.
(As the QUARTET starts to follow him, HAROLD turns back to the
LADIES who are still singing softly)

Goodnight ladies.
(THEY “Cheep cheep cheep” at him. HE turns to QUARTET.)

(SINGS)

GOODNIGHT, LADIES.

QUARTET

GOODNIGHT, LADIES,
GOODNIGHT, LADIES.

(QUARTET)

WE’RE GOING TO LEAVE YOU NOW.

FAREWELL, LADIES,
FAREWELL, LADIES,
FAREWELL LADIES.
WE’RE GOING TO LEAVE YOU NOW.

LADIES

…CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP!
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, CHEEP!

(The LADIES and the QUARTET finish together. HAROLD has escaped
into the library.

BLACKOUT)

SCENE SEVEN

#18 – Marian the Librarian (Harold)

(TIME: Immediately follow.

HAROLD goes through the door to Library. The SCRIM becomes

transparent. We see the interior of the Library. The SCRIM flies.
MARIAN is seen at desk stamping books. HAROLD sneaks in and places
his hat under her stamper. SHE is startled.)

HAROLD

It’s all right – I know everything and it doesn’t make any difference.

MARIAN

What are you talking about?

HAROLD

You were probably very young – anyone can make a mistake –

MARIAN

What –

HAROLD

No apologies – no explanations, please. I’ll only be in town a short

time and –

(Chuckles)

-the sadder, but wiser girl for me.

MARIAN

Will you please make your selection and leave.

HAROLD

I have.

MARIAN

(Looking for book)

Well? What do you want to take out?

HAROLD

(Loudly)

The librarian.

MARIAN
 Quiet please.

(Turns her back.)

HAROLD

(Whispering)

The librarian. You’re not listening, Marian.

(Takes a paper bag out of pocket.)

Look!

(Sings)

MA-A-A-A-RIAN.

(Speaks)

Marbles. Six steelies, eight aggies, a dozen peewees and one big
glassie with an American flag in the middle. I think I’ll drop ‘em.

MARIAN

No!

HAROLD

Shh!

(Threatens her with bag)

MADAM LIBRARIAN.

WHAT CAN I DO, MY DEAR,

TO CATCH YOUR EAR?
I LOVE YOU MADLY, MADLY,
MADAM LIBRARIAN,
MARIAN.

HEAVEN HELP US,

IF THE LIBRARY CAUGHT ON FIRE,
AND THE VOLUNTEER HOSE BRIGADEMEN
HAD TO WHISPER THE NEWS
TO MARIAN,
MADAM LIBRARIAN.
 (HAROLD)

WHAT CAN I SAY, MY DEAR,

TO MAKE IT CLEAR?
I NEED YOU BADLY, BADLY,
MADAM LIBRARIAN,
MARIAN.

IF I STUMBLED,
AND I BUSTED MY WHAT-YOU-MA-CALL IT,
I COULD LIE ON YOUR FLOOR UNNOTICED,
‘TIL MY BODY HAD TURNED
TO CARRION.
MADAM LIBRARIAN.

NOW IN THE MOONLIGHT,

A MAN COULD SING IT
IN THE MOONLIGHT
AND A FELLOW WOULD KNOW THAT HIS DARLING
HAD HEARD EV’RY WORD OF HIS SONG,
WITH THE MOONLIGHT
HELPING ALONG.

BUT WHEN I TRY, IN HERE,

TO TELL YOU, DEAR,
I LOVE YOU MADLY, MADLY,
MADAM LIBRARIAN,
MARIAN,

IT’S A LONG LOST CAUSE

I CAN NEVER WIN
FOR THE CIVILIZED WORLD ACCEPTS
AS UNFORGIVABLE SIN
ANY TALKING OUT LOUD
WITH ANY LIBRARIAN.
SUCH AS MARIAN,
MADAM LIBRARIAN.

#19 – Marian - Dance (Harold)

(The ballet commences. HAROLD and MARIAN and the READERS in
the Library participate in a ballet. It is done terribly quietly, practically on
tip-toe in soft shoe tempo.)

HAROLD

BUT WHEN I TRY, IN HERE,

TO TELL YOU, DEAR,
I LOVE YOU MADLY, MADLY,
MADAM LIBRARIAN,
MARIAN.

(HAROLD)

IT’S A LONG LOST CAUSE

I CAN NEVER WIN
FOR THE CIVILIZED WORLD ACCEPTS
AS UNFORGIVABLE SIN

ANY TALKING OUT LOUD

WITH ANY LIBRARIAN,
SUCH AS MARIAN…

The Ladies’ Dance Committee meets Tuesday nights.

(Opening “marble” bag and offers it to her)

Marshmallow?

MADAM LIBRARIAN.

(HAROLD catches MARIAN off guard and kisses her on the cheek.
MARIAN is shocked into reality. HE stuffs a marshmallow in his mouth
and MARIAN has now had it, giving him a round-house slap which
HAROLD ducks. It catches TOMMY DJILAS full on the ear and we
BLACKOUT.)

#20 – First Seventy-Six Trombones Crossover (Orchestra)

SCENE EIGHT

(TIME: The following Saturday noon.

AT RISE: TOMMY and HAROLD are seen in front of the TRAVELLER,

STAGE LEFT)

HAROLD

Well Tommy we’ve had a pretty good morning. Eleven sales out of
twelve tries. Tell you what – It’s almost noon. You better go home
and get some dinner. I’ll try a couple by myself.

TOMMY

G’bye, Professor.
 HAROLD

Thanks, Tommy.

#21 – Second Seventy-Six Trombones Crossover (Orchestra)

(“Seventy-Six Trombones” is heard as HAROLD approaches door, STAGE
RIGHT)

SCENE NINE

(“Seventy-Six Trombones” is heard. An impressive doorway. HAROLD

rings DOORBELL at RISE. SHINN comes hurrying down the street, goes
to door, starts to unlock it – realizes HAROLD’S presence.)

SHINN

Just a minute here. Are you soliciting? You haven’t got a license.

HAROLD

Why no, Mayor Shinn, I collect doorbells. This particular specimen

has an unusual tone quality that –

SHINN

Flattery will not avail you. Soliciting is statutory in this county –

malfeasance without a permit. Why haven’t you been down’t City
Hall with your references?

HAROLD

(Stepping down to SHINN)

Just missed you I - . Mr. Mayor! Your hand – oh no!

SHINN

What, what –

HAROLD

(Spreads SHINN’S fingers)

That spread of the little finger! It’s hereditary!

SHINN

Oh it is – what does that mean?

 HAROLD

It means that your son’s little finger is perfectly situated to operate

the spit valve on a B-flat Flugel Horn!

SHINN

(Wide-eyed)

Is that good?

HAROLD

Good! It means that American has at last produced an artist who

can Flugel the Minute Waltz in 50 seconds.

SHINN

How could I get one of those horns?

HAROLD

(Quick with order blank)

Sign here, Mr. Mayor. That’ll be seventeen dollars import fee.

SHINN

(Signing)

Yes sir. Just think I could’a missed this whole –

(Stops suddenly)

I haven’t got any son! You unscrypulous flew-by-night, you

unflypulous – you be down’t City Hall with your By God papers at
three o’clock.

HAROLD

You mean this afternoon?

SHINN

I couldn’t make myself any plainer if I’se a Quaker on his day off.

#22 – Third Seventy-Six Trombones (Orchestra)

Crossover
(BLACKOUT)

SCENE TEN

(TIME: That evening.

AT RISE: The PAROO’S porch. MRS. PAROO is sitting on the porch

rocking. WINTHROP is hiding behind her chair. HAROLD has ENTERED
at RISE.)

HAROLD

Mrs. Paroo do you realize you have the facial characteristics of a

Cornet virtuoso?

MRS. PAROO

I don’t know if I understand you entirely, Professor.

HAROLD

If your boy has that same firm chin, and those splendid cheek
muscles – By George! Not that he could ever be really great, you
understand, but –

MRS. PAROO

Oh, is that so. And in the name of St. Bridget, why not?

HAROLD

Well – you see all the really great Cornet players were Irish –
O’Clark, O’Mendez, O’Klein –

MRS. PAROO

But Professor, we are Irish!

HAROLD

No! No! Really! That clinches it! Sign here, Mrs. Paroo. Your boy
was born to play the Cornet!
(SHE signs in a daze. WINTHROP has followed her and is still hiding
behind her.)

Fine, fine. That will be seven dollars earnest money. Nothing more
due until the first installment payable at opening of band practice.
(MRS. PAROO locates money from about her person.)
 Ah thank you. And of course, I’ll need the boy’s measurements for
his band uniform.

MRS. PAROO

His uniform!
(WINTHROP falls off the porch in excitement. HAROLD and MRS.
PAROO are somewhat surprised.)

HAROLD

Hello, son.
(WINTHROP picks himself up and starts to run. HAROLD stops him.)

Certainly, his uniform. And there won’t be a penny due till delivery,
which gives him four weeks to enjoy, to anticipate, to imagine, at no
cost whatever. Never allow the demands of tomorrow to interfere
with the pleasures and excitement of today.

WINTHROP

(Drawing an imaginary line down the outside of his leg)

Would it have…a…a…?

HAROLD

A stripe? Certainly, my boy, a wide red stripe on each side. What

do you think of that?
(WINTHROP drops his eyes suddenly and runs off.)
 MRS. PAROO

You’ll have to excuse Winthrop, Professor. We can’t get him to say

three words a day even to us. And if you get him to play in the
band you’ll have St. Michael’s own way with you. But if anybody
can do it I’ll be you can. Out of a crowd I’ll pick you for hod-
carrying, clay-pipe smokin’, shamrock-wearin’, harp-playin’,
Mavorneen-pinchin’, Tara’s hall minstrel-singin’ Irishman! Be-gob
and be-jabbers! Where are ye from, me bye?

HAROLD

Gary, Indiana.

MRS. PAROO

I knew it! Gar - . Where did you say?

HAROLD

Gary, Indiana. In fact Gary Conservatory was my Alma Mater.

MRS. PAROO

Was she now?

HAROLD

(Aware of MARIAN’S approach)

Why yes – Gold Medal Class of ’05. Hodado, Miss Paroo.

MARIAN

Hodado, Mr. Hill.

HAROLD

Of course! Paroo. I thought the name sounded familiar.

(Sotto)

I’ve tried to see you since the other night, but –

MRS. PAROO

He wants to put Winthrop in the band!

 MARIAN

We’re not interested, Mama.

MRS. PAROO

But Marian, the boy might have his father’s musical gift. He does
have my jaw, you know.

HAROLD

Oh – your husband musical? Well I’d like to have a talk with him.
I’m sure we –

MARIAN

Do you burst in on everyone’s home like this? Prying into personal

affairs? We’re not interested.

MRS. PAROO

Marian!

HAROLD

(Cheerfully)

Well, that’s one for and one against. Now why not let the boy’s
father decide?

MARIAN

The boy’s father is dead. Anything else?

HAROLD

Oh, I’m sorry. But that’s all the more reason why your brother
should have something like this –

MARIAN

My brother is a ten-year-old problem child who can’t understand

why his father was taken away. Would you care to explain it to
him? He’s been brooding about it for two years. As to your musical
tricks, why don’t you go into business with some nice carnival man
who sells gold-painted watches and glass diamond rings?

HAROLD
 Musical tricks? Well Miss Paroo, I hardly –
(Without response, MARIAN EXITS into house. MRS. PAROO stands
speechless. HAROLD stands approvingly, his finger alongside his nose.)

I get the feeling she likes the idea. Oh, a little cautious perhaps but
I admire that in a woman. Just keep me alive and I’ll be back later
in the week.

MRS. PAROO

One moment, Professor Hill. About the boy’s measurements. I

make all his clothes. Sleeve 21, Waist 18, Croutch 14 –

HAROLD

Fine, that’s all I need. Now I must get back to the Hotel.

MRS. PAROO

Professor, I do hope you’ll excuse Marian. She’s not really –

HAROLD

Please. Don’t worry about a thing. I’m sure that at heart she’s as
lovely as yourself. Good day to ya, Widda Paroo.

MARIAN

(Returning to porch with embroidery and slip of paper)

Has he gone?

MRS. PAROO

He has. And I hope not forever. Darlin’ don’t you ever think of your
future? Gary Indiana Conservation Class of ’05 – Now darlin’ –

MARIAN

Now Mama. Surely a girl’s future doesn’t depend on encouraging

every fast-talking, self-centered, woman-chasing traveling man who
comes to town. And the fact that he claims his commodity is music
does not, in this particular case, impress me.

MRS. PAROO

All right, darlin’, all right. Only it’s a well-known principle that if you
keep the flint in one drawer and the steel in another, you’ll never
strike much of a fire.
 MARIAN

Mama!

(Calling)

Winthrop! Winthrop, I know you’re there.

(WINTHROP comes slowly to porch.)

Please go to the library and ask Miss Grubb to give you the book I
set aside. It’s the Indiana State Educational Journal 1890-1910.
It’s a large brown volume with black corner.

WINTHROP

Do I hafta?

MARIAN

You won’t have to talk to anyone. I’ve written it all down.

(SHE gives him paper. HE goes.)

Thank you dear.

MRS. PAROO

Now what are you up to? Why do you need books at this hour of
the night?

MARIAN

I have a feeling the Indiana Journal may help me poke some large
holds in the Professor’s claims.

MRS. PAROO

Well, I give up. At your age if you don’t mind my askin’ what kinda
white knight do you expect to come ridin’ along?

MARIAN

Well I’m not waiting for Luther Greiner who backs me into the
Ancient History shelf every time he comes into the Library.

MRS. PAROO

He does?
#23 – My White Knight (Marian)

MARIAN

Or Ed Gammidge and that buggy of his with the removable back

seat. But I’m not waiting for a man in shining white armor either.

MY WHITE KNIGHT, NOT A LANCELOT,

NOR AN ANGEL WITH WINGS;
JUST SOMEONE TO LOVE ME,
WHO IS NOT ASHAMED OF A FEW NICE THINGS.

MY WHITE KNIGHT –
WHAT MY HEART WOULD SAY
IF IT ONLY KNEW HOW.
PLEASE, DEAR VENUS, SHOW ME NOW.

ALL I WANT IS A PLAIN MAN;

ALL I WANT IS A MODEST MAN;
A QUIET MAN, A GENTLE MAN,
A STRAIGHTFORWARD AND HONEST MAN
TO SIT WITH ME IN A COTTAGE
SOMEWHERE IN THE STATE OF IOWA.
AND I WOULD LIKE HIM TO BE
MORE INT’RESTED IN ME
THAN HE IS IN HIMSELF.
AND MORE INT’RESTED IN US
THAN IN ME.
AND IF OCCASION’LY HE’D PONDER
WHAT MAKES SHAKESPEARE AND BEETHOVEN GREAT,
HIM I COULD LOVE ‘TIL I DIE.
HIM I COULD LOVE ‘TIL I DIE.

MY WHITE KNIGHT, NOT A LANCELOT

NOR AN ANGEL WITH WINGS.
JUST SOMEONE TO LOVE ME,
WHO IS NOT ASHAMED OF A FEW NICE THINGS.
MY WHITE KNIGHT –
LET ME WALK WITH HIM WHERE THE OTHERS RIDE BY;
WALK, AND LOVE HIM
‘TIL I DIE.
‘TIL I DIE.

(DIMOUT)

SCENE ELEVEN

(TIME: Noon, the following Saturday.

AT RISE: Center of town, exterior. ZANEETA is crossing followed by
TOMMY wearing his invention.)

TOMMY

(Calling)

… Zaneeta… Hey, Zaneeta –

(ZANEETA stops and turns.)

ZANEETA

Tommy, Papa and Mama are sitting right there in the bank. Ye
Gods!

TOMMY

All right, then meet me after supper.

ZANEETA

I can’t. It’s Epworth League night. Meet you where?

TOMMY

The footbridge.

ZANEETA

You see? Isn’t that just what I said? Last time the lumber yard and
now the footbridge. And where will you meet me after that? In the
Black Hole of Calcutta? Ye Gods.

TOMMY

I only want to show you my invention.

ZANEETA

What invention?

TOMMY

My music holder for a marching Piccolo player. It still has a couple

of minor flaws; see, when you keep it tight enough to hold the
music steady you cut off the circulation and you can’t wiggle your
fingers. Meanwhile –
 (Demonstrates how close it would be in playing position)

You could go blind.

ZANEETA

(Gestures in alarm at OLIVER HIX’S office.)

Tommy! It’s Papa!

(TOMMY leaves in a hurry as SHINN and EULALIE ENTER.)

SHINN

Is that the first thing I said, or not?

EULALIE

Yes, George.

SHINN

Yes! The very first thing I said or I’ll eat hay with the horse! Get that
Spellbinder’s credentials, I said, morning of Jew-ly Fourth, Nineteen
and Twelve. And now look! My wife is off dancing at any and all
hours instead of in the home –

EULALIE

But George –

SHINN

-the School Board is singin’ up street and down alley instead of

tending to city matters, my oldest girl is boodling around with some
wild kid and my business has fallen off so far I can’t find the
balance sheet.

MARIAN

(ENTERING with brown book)

Mayor Shinn, I’ve found something very interesting in this book

about Professor Hill’s Alma Mater.

SHINN

His who?

MARIAN
 His university.

SHINN

I know all about that. In fact, that’s the only thing I can ever get out
of him – Gary Conservatory, class of aught-five.

MARIAN

If you’ll just take time to read a little bit about the Conservatory I
don’t think you’ll have to look further. It’s on page…

#22 – The Wells Fargo Wagon (Townspeople, Quartet, Winthrop)

(HORSE MUSIC. GRACIE SHINN rushes on.)

GRACIE

Papa! The Wells Fargo Wagon is just comin’ up from the depot!

ALL

(In hushed anticipation)

The Wells Fargo Wagon!

SHINN

A likely story! At this hour of the day? Nonsense!...The Wells Fargo

Wagon?

GRACIE

It could be the band instruments!

SHINN

The band instruments!

(The TOWNSPEOPLE now form, looking up the street listening for the
horse’s hooves which are now heard plainly in the MUSIC.)

TOWNSPEOPLE

O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON

IS A-COMIN’ DOWN THE STREET,
OH, PLEASE, LET IT BE FOR ME.
O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON
IS A-COMIN’ DOWN THE STREET,
I WISH, I WISH I KNEW WHAT IT COULD BE.
 1ST VOICE

I GOT A BOX OF MAPLE SUGAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.

2ND VOICE

IN MARCH, I GOT A GREY MACKINAW.

3RD VOICE

AND ONCE, I GOT SOME GRAPEFRUIT FROM TAMPA.

4TH VOICE

MONTGOM’RY WARD SENT ME A BATHTUB

AND A CROSS-CUT SAW.

TOWNSPEOPLE

O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-COMIN’ NOW.

IS IT A PREPAID SURPRISE OR C.O.D.?

5TH VOICE

IT COULD BE CURTAINS,

6TH VOICE

OR DISHES,

7TH VOICE

OR A DOUBLE BOILER,

8TH VOICE

OR IT COULD BE,

TOWNSPEOPLE

YES, IT COULD BE,

YES, YOU’RE RIGHT, IT SURELY COULD BE

8TH VOICE

SOMETHIN’ SPECIAL

TOWNSPEOPLE
SOMETHIN’ VERY, VERY SPECIAL NOW,

8TH VOICE

JUST FOR ME.

TOWNSPEOPLE

O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON

IS A-COMIN’ DOWN THE STREET,
OH, DON’T LET HIM PASS MY DOOR!
O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON
IS A-COMIN’ DOWN THE STREET,
IW ISH I KNEW WHAT HE WAS COMIN’ FOR.

9TH VOICE

I GOT SOME SALMON FROM SEATTLE LAST SEPTEMBER.

10TH VOICE

AND I EXPECT A NEW ROCKIN’ CHAIR.

11TH VOICE

I HOPE I GET MY RAISINS FROM FRESNO.

QUARTET

THE D.A.R. HAVE SENT A CANNON

FOR THE COURTHOUSE SQUARE.

(WINTHROP breaks through the CROWD, and as the TOWNSPEOPLE

slowly turn to look at him in amazement, HE SINGS.)

WINTHROP

O-HO, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON

IS A-COMIN’ NOW,
I DON’T KNOW HOW I CAN EVER WAIT THEE.
IT COULD BE SUMPIN’ FOR SOMEONE
WHO IS NO RELATION,
BUT IT COULD BE
SUMPIN’ SPECIAL
JUST FOR ME!
 TOWNSPEOPLE

(SOPRANO/ALTO)
(TENOR/BASS)

O-HO, YOU AH –
WELLS FARGO WAGON, KEEP A-COMIN’
O-HO, YOU WELLS FARGO WAGON, KEEP A-COMIN’
O-HO, YOU WELLS FARGO WAGON, DON’T YOU DARE TO MAKE A STOP,
DARE TO MAKE A STOP, UNTIL YOU STOP FOR ME.
UNTIL YOU STOP FOR ME.

(MARIAN pushes her way through the CROWD to crush WINTRHOP in

an embrace as the CROWD cheers Wagon’s arrival.)

TOWNSPEOPLE

Ray-yy!

DRIVER

Whoa!

WINTHROP

It’s the band instruments!

#25 – Finale Act I (Orchestra)

(HAROLD riding in wagon jumps down, carrying gold cornet which he
brings to WINTHROP.)

HAROLD

Here you are, Winthrop.

WINTHROP

My Cornet! Gee thanks, Professor!

HAROLD

(Returning to wagon)

Men! You will each receive individual instruction in due course. In

the meantime stay off the streets – get acquainted with your
 instruments and think about the Minuet in G. La de da de da de da
de da –

BOYS

(EXITING)

La de da, La de da.

WINTHROP

Sister! Sister! Isn’t this the most scrumptious sold gold thing you
ever saw. I never thought I’d ever see anything so scrumptious as
this scrumptious solid gold thing! O sister!

SHINN

Round one for you Mister Hill, but I better hear some by God tootin’
out’ a them horns in pretty short order or I’ll see you front a’the
grand jury over’t the County Seat.

(Approaching MARIAN)

Now Miss Marian, about that book –

(MARIAN tears a page out of the book as EULALIE calls SHINN.)

EULALIE

Come, George! Tempus fugits.

SHINN

(Turning to her)

You watch your frazolagy. Get a long if you want to. I’ve got to get
something from the librarian.

(Crosses to MARIAN)

About that book –

(MARIAN hands him the book. SHINN and EULALIE EXIT.

HAROLD catches MARIAN’S look which is changing from gratitude to

adoration.)

HAROLD
 (Coming over to her)

The Ladies’ Dance Committee meets Tuesday nights at the High

School.
(THE hold the look as the ORCHESTRA with “My White Knight” swells to
climax.

CURTAIN.)

ACT TWO

#26 – Entr’acte (Orchestra)

SCENE ONE

#27 – Eulalie’s Ballet (Orchestra)

(TIME: Evening. The following Thursday.

AT RISE: Madison Gymnasium. The Ladies’ Auxiliary Committee is

practicing for the Ice Cream Sociable. MAUD, ALMA, ETHEL, MRS.
SQUIRES and EULALIE are dressed in “girls” basketball bloomers, black
stockings and tennis shoes, Peter Thompson blouses and black hair
ribbons. AT RISE, MARIAN is pumping “Rustle of Spring” as the LADIES
parade with books balance on their heads. THE QUARTET are on one
side of the stage dressed in Indian regalia.

EULALIE

Lovely, ladies, lovely. Now turn. Take the body with you. Lovely.
Now let’s have a go at our Grecian Urns…
One Grecian Urn…
Two Grecian Urns…
And a Fountain…trickle, trickle, trickle.
Splendid, ladies. I predict that our Del Sarte display will be the
highlight of the Ice Cream Sociable. Now gentlemen, if you’re
ready –
(THE QUARTET comes over and takes positions.)

And ladies, remember – don’t make me tell you again. Always

keep your face to the audience. All right, Mr. Dunlop.

#28 – It’s You (Quartet)

(EWART blows pitch pipe. MAUD pops out from behind him, EULALIE
motions her back, the QUARTET SINGS as the LADIES pantomime
appropriately.)
 EWART

IT’S YOU IN THE SUNRISE.

IT’S YOU IN MY CUP.

JACEY

IT’S YOU ALL THE WAY INTO TOWN.

OLIVER

IT’S YOUR SWEET “HELLO”, DEAR,

THAT SETS ME UP,

EWART

AND IT’S –

QUARTET

YOUR “GOT TO GO,” DEAR,

THAT GETS ME DOWN.
IT’S YOU ON MY PILLOW,
IN ALL OF MY DREAMS,
TILL ONCE MORE THE MORNING BREAKS THROUGH.
WHAT WORDS COULD BE SANER,
OR TRUER, OR PLAINER
THAN “IT’S YOU,” IT’S YOU,”

EULALIE

Smile, girls, smile.

JACEY

YES, “IT’S YOU.”

EWART, OLIVER, OLIN

OH, YES, IT’S YOU.”

MARCELLUS

(Trying to hold KIDS back at the door.)

Please kids, Mrs. Shinn will have my head.

EULALIE
 Mr. Washburn, we are entitled to five more minutes.

MARCELLUS

If you think you can hold these kids back, go ahead.

(The KIDS burst in excitedly as EULALIE fights her way through them and
EXITS RIGHT. The QUARTET and the LADIES quickly get out of his way.)

TOMMY

Start her up, Mr. Washburn. Wait till you see the new steps
Professor Hill taught us.

MARCELLUS

All right! What’ll it be?

TOMMY

The Shipoopi!

KIDS

Shipoopi!

#29 – Shipoopi (Marcellus, Townspeople)

(THEY form Virginia Reel lines.)

MARCELLUS

NOW, A WOMAN WHO’LL KISS

ON THE VERY FIRST DATE
IS USU’LY A HUSSY,
AND A WOMAN WHO’LL KISS
ON THE SECOND TIME OUT
IS ANYTHING BUT FUSSY.
BUT A WOMAN WHO’LL WAIT
‘TIL THE THIRD TIME AROUND,
HEAD IN CLOUDS, FEET ON THE GROUND,
SHE’S THE GIRL HE’S GLAD HE’S FOUND.
SHE’S HIS SHIPOOPI!
SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI,

BOYS

THE GIRL WHO’S HARD TO GET!

MARCELLUS
SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI.

GIRLS

BUT YOU CAN WIN HER YET.

MARCELLUS

WALK HER ONCE

JUST TO RAISE THE CURTAIN,
THEN YOU WALK AROUND TWICE
AND YOU MAKE FOR CERTAIN.
ONCE MORE IN THE FLOWER GARDEN,
SHE WILL NEVER GET SORE
IF YOU BEG HER PARDON.

ALL

DO, RE, MI, FA, SOL, LA, SI, DO,

SI, LA, SOL, FA, MI, RE, DO.

MARCELLUS

SQUEEZE HER ONCE

WHEN SHE ISN’T LOOKIN’.
IF YOU GET A SQUEEZE BACK,
THAT’S FANCY COOKIN’.
ONCE MORE FOR A PEPPER-UPPER.
SHE WILL NEVER GET SORE
ON HER WAY TO SUPPER.

ALL

DO, RE, MI, FA, SOL, LA, SI,

DO, SI, DO.

MARCELLUS

NOW LITTLE OL’ SAL WAS A NO-GAL,

AS ANYONE COULD SEE.
LOOKIT HER NOW. SHE’S A GO-GAL,
WHO ONLY GOES FOR ME.

(HE resumes calling)

SQUEEZE HER ONCE

WHEN SHE ISN’T LOOKIN’.
IF YOU GET A SQUEEZE BACK,
THAT’S FANCY COOKIN’.
ONCE MORE FOR A PEPPER-UPPER.
SHE WILL NEVER GET SORE
ON THE WAY TO SUPPER.

ALL

DO, RE, MI, FA, SOL, LA, SI,

DO, SI, DO.

MARCELLUS

SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI,

MARCELLUS, BOYS

THE GIRL WHO’S HARD TO GET.

MARCELLUS

SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI.

MARCELLUS, GIRLS

BUT YOU CAN WIN HER YET.

#30 – Shipoopi Dance – Part 1 (Orchestra)

(SEVERAL COUPLES do specialties including MARCELLUS and ETHEL,
and TOMMY and ZANEETA. HAROLD ENTERS.)

#31 – Shipoopi Dance – Part 2 (Orchestra)

BOY

Come on, Professor, show us some new steps!

#32 – Shipoopi Dance – Part 3 (Orchestra)

(HAROLD makes a gallant invitation to wallflower MARIAN. SHE is
trapped into dancing with him in Vernon Castle one-step. SHE shines.
Several of the LADIES witness this and rush off with the news. The KIDS
all join again imitating the steps HAROLD and MARIAN have done.)

ALL

SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI,

THE GIRL WHO’S HARD TO GET.
SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI, SHIPOOPI,
BUT YOU CAN WIN HER YET.
YOU CAN WIN HER YET!

(Shouted)

SHIPOOPI!

#33 – Shipoopi Playoff (Orchestra)

(As reprise featuring TOMMY and ZANEETA starts, EULALIE and
MAYOR SHINN ENTER.)

SHINN

Take your hands off my daughter!

ZANEETA

Papa!

TOMMY

Mr. Shinn, your honor. Your daughter and I are goin’ steady behind
your back.

SHINN

Why you –

TOMMY

We’d rather do it in front a’ your back but –

SHINN

Do what? Never mind.

TOMMY

Zaneeta’s scared a’ya, but I’m not. I should think you’d hate to
have your own daughter scared a’ya, Jeely Kly.

SHINN

I’m going to warn you once more. If I ever catch you touching my
daughter I’ll by God horsewhip you till Hell won’t have it again.

EULALIE
 Now George!

SHINN

Not one poop out’a you madam!

EULALIE

I think he means peep.

SHINN

Yes! And now get out’a this public building!

TOMMY

I got as much right in a public building as anybody.

SHINN

Right? How do you get any right around here? Aiding and abetting
the swindling activities of this spellbinding cymbal salesman? You
know what I see written all over you? Reform School! Now get
out!... Get out, you wild kid.
(TOMMY rushes off.)

ZANEETA

Papa, please. It’s Capulets like you make blood in the market
place. Ye Gods.

SHINN

You watch your fazolagy, young woman. Go home.

(ZANEETA weeps and starts off. EULALIE starts after her.)

Eulalie!

EULALIE

Yes, George, I only –

SHINN

You tend to your dance.

EULALIE

(Coming back)
 My dance –
(SHINN points, EULALIE EXITS)

SHINN

I’ll handle Zaneeta. Takin’ up with wild kids from the wrong side
a’town –

MARIAN

Mr. Mayor, if I could just make you understand –

SHINN

Well ya can’t. And by the way thanks for nothin’. I’ve read that
book you gave me from cover to cover for a whole week now and
didn’t find a thing!

HAROLD

Mr. Mayor, if you please –

SHINN

I’ll settle your hash as soon as I get these premises offa’ my oldest
girl –

(Starts off, turns back)

Yes!

HAROLD

All right but in the meantime I want you to know I’m vouching for
Tommy Djilas. That boy’s got the confidence of every kid in town –
you’ll be standing in line waiting to shake his hand by time our Band
plays its first concert.

SHINN

By time your band plays its first concert the individual members’ll
have to foregather in wheel chairs on account of the broken legs
they’ll get from tripping over their beards. I’ll tell you something, my
fine young feathered – my feathered young – never mind! Oliver –
Jacey – Ewart – Olin!
(The MEN quickly attend.)
 I want this man’s references and I want ‘em tonight! Don’t let him
out’a your sight! He’s slipprier’n a Mississippi sturgeon!

OLIVER

Do you mean you want us to – get his credentials –

SHINN

Get his papers or get him in jail! Couldn’t make myself any clearer if
I’se a button hook in the well-water.
(EXITS, dragging ZANEETA. The MEN follow.)

MARIAN

(Hurrying to HAROLD)

Professor hill, I think Mayor Shinn has behaved abominably and I

think it was wonderful of you coming to Tommy’s defense.

HAROLD

Oh, that was nothing.

MARIAN

Yes it was.
 HAROLD

Oh, no. A man can’t dodge the issue every time a little personal
risk is involved –

(Watching her)

What does the Poet say?

The coward dies a thousand deaths – the brave man only 500 –

(Laughs gaily, suddenly turns serious)

Unfortunately, of course, the Mayor was already pretty mad on

account of his Billiard Parlor. Now –

(Shrugs ruefully)

Oh, I suppose a recommendation from a musical authority like

yourself would help but –

(Leaving)

I couldn’t think of asking you to do a thing like that.

MARIAN

(Stopping him)

Why, Professor Hill.

HAROLD

You would?

MARIAN

I’d be glad to. I just wish I was a little more informed – I’ve been
waiting to talk to you about Winthrop’s Cornet.

HAROLD

His Cornet? Mother-of-pearl keys.

MARIAN

I’m sure it’s fine. But you see he never touches it. Oh, the first
week or so, he made a few – ah – experimental – blats? I guess
you’d say?
 HAROLD

Yes – yes, blats.

MARIAN

And he sings the

(SINGING it)

“Minuet in G de da” almost constantly.

HAROLD

(Going to the groups of LADIES and leading them as they SING)

La de da de da de da de da. La de da. La de da –

MARIAN

But he never touches the Cornet.

HAROLD

Well, you say –

MARIAN

He says you told him it wasn’t necessary.

HAROLD

Well.

MARIAN

He tells me about some “Think System.” If he thinks the “Minuet in

G”, he won’t have to bother with the notes. Now Professor –

HAROLD

Miss Marian. The Think System is a revolutionary method, I’ll

admit. So was Galileo’s conception of the Heavens, Columbus’
conception of the egg – ah – globe, Bach’s conception of the Well-
Tempered Clavichord. Hmm? Now I cannot discuss those things
here in public. But if you’ll allow me to call –

(Spotting the LADIES who are ENTERING, hastily)

 When may I call?

MARIAN

Why any night this week –

#34 – Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little (Alma, Ethel, Eulalie, Maud,

(Reprise) Mrs. Squires, The Ladies)
(The LADIES ENTER as HAROLD EXITS.)

LADIES

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, TALK A LOT, PICK A LITTLE MORE.
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,
CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP!

ETHEL

(Simultaneously with above)

Miss Paroo, please join our Del Sarte Committee.

ALMA

You were so dear tonight dancing the Shipoopi with Professor Hill.
(The LADIES continue “Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little” under the following.)

ALMA

You Dance like a

FAIRY PRINCESS

(Slam)
(Slam)

WITH A MOONBEAM FOR YOUR FLOOR!

YOU HAD A GOLDEN SHIMMER IN YOUR HAIR
AND SILVER SHOES FOR ALL TO SEE!

(Slam)

WE KNOW THAT YOU WILL SOON UNFOLD

A FORGIVING HEART OF PUREST GOLD,
HERE,

(Thump)

WHERE A WOMAN’S HEART SHOULD BE.

ALMA, MAUD, ETHEL, MRS. SQUIRES

FAIRY PRINCESS!
MOONBEAM FLOOR!
GOLDEN SHIMMER!
SILVER SHOES!
NOW UNFOLD!
HEART OF GOLD!
HERE,

(Thump)

WHERE A WOMAN’S HEART SHOULD BE!

THE PROFESSOR TOLD US TO READ THOSE BOOKS
AND WE SIMPLY ADORED THEM ALL!

ALMA

CHAUCER!

ETHEL

RABELAIS!

EULALIE

(Crossing through from the Girls’ Locker)

BAL-ZAC!
 LADIES

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP,

CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP, CHEEP!
PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE,

(Whispered)

CHEEP!

(BLACKOUT)

SCENE TWO

(TIME: The following Wednesday evening. After supper,

AT RISE: The Hotel Porch. JACEY, OLIN, OLIVER, EWART, all wearing
silver stars, are on the alert as HAROLD is trying to escape them.)

EWART

Sorry, Professor, but we got our orders.

OLIVER

We all been deputized.

HAROLD

Yes – congratulations. Let’s see now – you know all week I’ve tried
to give you fellows my references and credentials but every time
you seem to get off the subject somehow. Now I have just want
you need up in my hotel room – take me a second.

EWART

Sorry. ‘Fraid I’ll have to go along with you.

HAROLD

Yes – well, let’s see if I have my key –

(Finds paper in pocket)

What’s this? – Oh – a testimonial from Madame Rini, the only

female Bassoon player to appear on the Redpath Circuit. Her
 stage name, of course. Actually she was from Moline. Lida Rose
Quackenbush.

EWART

(Reaching)

Could I see that for a minute?

HAROLD

(Hastily pocketing it)

Oh, you’ll never forget the name. Lida Rose. Same as the old
song.

#35 – Lida Rose & Will I Ever Tell You (Harold, Quartet, Marian)

(Gets out pitch pipe and blows it)

LIDA ROSE,
I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,

EWART

TO GET THE

QUARTET
(As the QUARTET starts,
(Instantly jumping in) HAROLD dusts off his
hands, leaves the porch and
SUN BACK IN THE SKY. joins MARCELLUS who has
LIDA ROSE, I’M HOME AGAIN ROSE, ENTERED LEFT and is
ABOUT A THOUSAND KISSES SHY. beckoning HAROLD. THEY
EXIT LEFT hastily.)
DING, DONG, DING,
I CAN HEAR THE CHAPEL BELL CHIME.
DING, DONG, DING,
AT THE LEAST SUGGESTION,
I’LL POP THE QUESTION.

QUARTET

LIDA ROSE, I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE

WITHOUT A SWEETHEART TO MY NAME.
LIDA ROSE, NOW EV’RYONE KNOWS
THAT I AM HOPING YOU’RE THE SAME.

SO HERE IS MY LOVE SONG;

NOT FANCY OR FINE.
LIDA ROSE, OH, WON’T YOU BE MINE?

JACEY, EWART, OLIVER

LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE.

(LIGHTS FADE OUT on QUARTET as PAROO porch swings into view

STAGE LEFT.

MARIAN is sitting on the porch steps, MRS. PAROO in rocker on porch.)

MARIAN

DREAM OF NOW.
DREAM OF THEN.
DREAM OF A LOVE SONG

(MARIAN)

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

DO I LOVE YOU?
OH YES, I LOVE YOU,
AND I’LL BRAVELY TELL YOU,
BUT ONLY WHEN
WE DREAM AGAIN.

SWEET AND LOW,

SWEET AND LOW,
HOW SWEET THAT MEM’RY;
HOW LONG AGO.
FOREVER, OH YES, FOREVER.
WILL I EVER TELL YOU?
AH, NO.

(LIGHTS come up on QUARTET.)

QUARTET

LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE,
 OH…

MARIAN QUARTET

DREAM OF NOW. …LIDA ROSE,

I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,
DREAM OF THEN. TO GET THE SUN BACK IN MY DKY.
DREAM OF A LOVE SONG LIDA ROSE,
I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. ABOUT A THOUSAND KISSES SHY.
DO I LOVE YOU? DING, DONG, DING,
OH YES, I LOVE YOU, I CAN HEAR THE CHAPEL BELL CHIME
AND I’LL BRAVELY TELL YOU, DING, DONG, DING,
BUT ONLY WHEN AT THE LEAST SUGGESTION,
WE DREAM AGAIN. I’LL POP THE QUESTION.
SWEET AND LOW, LIDA ROS,
I’M HOME AGAIN ROSE,
SWEET AND LOW, WITHOUT A SWEETHEART TO MY NAME.
HOW SWEETTHAT MEM’RY; LIDA ROSE,
NOW EV’RYONE KNOWS
HOW LONG AGO. THAT I AM HOPING YOU’RE THE SAME.
FOREVER,
OH YES, FOREVER. SO HERE IS MY LOVE SONG;
NOT FANCY OR FINE.
WILL I EVER TELL YOU?
LIDA ROSE,
AH, NO. OH, WON’T YOU BE MINE?

JACEY, EWART, OLIVER

LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE.

(LIGHTS FADE OUT on QUARTET.)

SCENE THREE

(TIME: Immediately following.

The PAROO’S Porch. MARIAN is sitting on the steps in the moonlight.

MRS. PAROO rocks and sews.)

MRS. PAROO

(Testily)
Will you ever stop arguin’ with yourself? Will you ever tell him –
won’t you ever tell him – ah yes – ah no – ah fiddlesticks. Just
open your mouth and let it come out.

MARIAN

Now Mama –

MRS. PAROO

Now nuthin’. If he ever comes to call again, you see him alone, and
if you haven’t the gumption to tell him how you feel –

MARIAN

Tell him?

MRS. PAROO

Well, there’s nothing wrong with a ladylike hint.

WINTHROP

(Bursting in with a jar of worms.)

Mama!

MRS. PAROO

Winthrop, where’ve you been?

WINTHROP

Fishin’.

MRS. PAROO

Fishing!

WINTHROP

With Harold.

MARIAN

You mean Professor Hill?

WINTHROP
 Mm hm. And look I still have some worms left.

MARIAN

Did you have a good time?

WINTHROP

Scrumptious. He told me all about his home town, Gary, Indiana.

And he said he’d take me there some day. And he taught me a
song that hardly has any esses in it.

#36 – Gary, Indiana (Winthrop, Mrs. Paroo,

Marian)
(Hands MARIAN the worms.)

GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
LET ME SAY IT ONCE AGAIN.
GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
THAT’S THE TOWN THAT KNEW ME WHEN.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE A LOGICAL EXPLANATION,

HOW I HAPPENED ON THIS ELEGANT SYNCOPATION,
I WILL SAY, WITHOUT A MOMENT OF HESITATION,
THERE IS JUST ONE PLACE
THAT CAN LIGHT MY FACE –

GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
NOT LOUISIANA,
PARIS, FRANCE, NEW YORK OR ROME, BUT –
GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
GARY, INDIANA,
MY HOME SWEET HOME.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE A LOGICAL EXPLANATION,

HOW I HAPPENED ON THIS ELEGANT SYNCOPATION,
I WILL SAY WITHOUT A MOMENT OF HESITATION,
THERE IS JUST ONE PLACE
THAT CAN LIGHT MY FACE.

MRS. PAROO
GARY, INDIANA –

MARIAN

GARY, INDIANA –

WINTHROP

NOT LOUSIANA,
PARIS, FRANCE, NEW YORK OR ROME, BUT –

MRS. PAROO

GARY, INDIANA –

MARIAN

GARY, INDIANA –

ALL THREE

GARY, INDIANA,
MY HOME SWEET HOME.

(WINTHROP does a quick dance step on the tag.)

WINTHROP

(Grabs his worms and runs off into house, reappears)

I’ll be back in a minute. I have to show Amaryllis my live frog.

(SINGS loudly as he EXITS)

La de da de da de da de da. La de da. La de da.

(MRS. PAROO starts into the house.)

MARIAN

Leave the dishes – I’ll do them, Mama.

MRS. PAROO

Don’t you have to change for the Sociable?

MARIAN

There’s time later.

(CHARLIE COWELL ENTERS LEFT, passes porch, turns back)
 CHARLIE COWELL

Shinns live around here somewhere?

MARIAN

The Shinn home is on East Elm. This is West Elm.

CHARLIE COWELL

Aw Criminee!

(Sees “PIANO GIVEN” sign on porch)

I see you’re the piano teacher in town? You must know about this
fellow Hill formin’ a Boys’ band here.

MARIAN

Yes…

CHARLIE COWELL

Well, don’t let it worry you no more, I got the goods on him in
spades. Swindlin’ two-bit thimble rigger. That’s why I got to see
Shinn.

(Pulls out watch)

I’m just passin’ through. Number eight only makes a fifteen-minute

water stop. Wish it was 20. Would sure like to concentrate five
minutes on you, girly-girl.

MARIAN

Who are you?

(Rises)

CHARLIE COWELL

Name’s Charlie Cowell – anvil salesman. But just now I’m out to
protect the good name of the travellin’ fraternity from this swindler.

MARIAN

Mr. Cowell, you’re making a big mistake.

 CHARLIE COWELL

Mistake my old lady’s corset-cover! That fella’s been the raspberry

seed in my wisdom tooth just long enough. He spoiled Illinois for
me and he’s not gonna spoil Iowa! Say, what kind of music teacher
are you, you didn’t see through him? He’s no more Professor –

MARIAN

I know about all that. Band leaders are always called Professor.
It’s a harmless deception. He’s a fine director and his scholastic –

CHARLIE COWELL

Now wait a minute. Fine director? Have you heard one note a’
music from any band?

MARIAN

No, but –

CHARLIE COWELL

But nothin’, girly-girl! He never formed a band in his life! And he

never will!

(Waves papers)

MARIAN

If you’ll just listen to me for a minute –

CHARLIE COWELL

I’d like to – I’d like to do more than that, if I had the time. I sure got
the inclination. But I got to get back on that train and I got to leave
this dynamite…

(Brandishing papers)

…with somebody on the way’t the deppo.

‘Bye, girly-girl. See you next time through.
(TRAIN WHISTLE is heard.)

MARIAN

You’ll never make that train at the depot. You’ll have to catch it at
the crossing.
 (Gestures LEFT)

CHARLIE COWELL

No sir. I’ve got to leave word. And I can see you ain’t the one to
leave it with.

MARIAN

Just a minute – Mr. Cowell – you – don’t know me yet.

CHARLIE COWELL

(Turning back)

Is that an invitation?

MARIAN

(Losing her nerve)

No – I meant I don’t know you, and –

CHARLIE COWELL

(Turning away again)

Yes – I’d need more time anyway –

MARIAN

I mean as well as I’d like to –

CHARLIE COWELL

(Turning back)

No trouble there, girly-girl.

(HE moves in)

MARIAN

(Drawing back)

I never met a man who sells anvils. That’s something – well – quite
different.

CHARLIE COWELL
 (Pawing a little)

Takes a real salesman, I can tell you that. Anvils have a limited
appeal you know.
(TRAIN WHISTLE)

What am I doin’? I miss that train I’ll get fired! And I got to leave
word about that fellow Hill!

MARIAN

Leave word with me.

CHARLIE COWELL

Not on your tintype. How do I know you’d deliver these letters?

MARIAN

Try me.

#37 – Lida Rose (Reprise) (Quartet)

(Grabbing his lapels SHE plants her lips on his. It is a long kiss. The
TRAIN WHISTLE and BELL grow louder. We hear the QUARTET
OFFSTAGE.

MARIAN struggles free, wipes her mouth in disgust, points LEFT.)

QUARTET

LIDA ROSE, I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,

TO GET THE SUN BACK IN THE SKY.
LIDA ROSE, I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,
ABOUT A THOUSAND KISSES SHY.
DING, DONG, DING,
I CAN HEAR THE CHAPEL BELL CHIME.
DING, DONG, DING,
AT THE LEAST SUGGESTION,
I’LL POP THE QUESTION.

LIDA ROSE, I’M HOME AGAIN, ROSE,

WITHOUT A SWEETHEART TO MY NAME.

MARIAN

(Simultaneous with above)

There’s your train! Now run for it!

 CHARLIE COWELL

(Furious)

Why you double-dealing little – Who do you think you’re protecting?

That guy’s got a girl in every county in Illinois, and he’s taken it
away from every one of ‘em! And that’s 102 counties! Not counting
the piana teachers like you he cozies up to, to keep their mouths
shut!

(As he runs off)

Neither one of you’s heard the last of me, girly-girl!

(MARIAN stands stunned. QUARTET ENTERS SINGING and stops long
enough for)

QUARTET

GOOD EVENING, MISS MARIAN.

MM - !

(MARIAN still stands dazed, not even acknowledging their presence.

THEY EXIT SINGING. MRS. PAROO is heard OFFSTAGE)

QUARTET

LIDA ROSE, NOW EV’RYONE KNOWS

THAT IA M HOPING YOU’RE THE SAME,
SO HERE IS MY LOVE SONG;
NOT FANCY OR FINE.
LIDA ROSE, OH, WONT’ YOU BE MINE?

JACEY, EWART, OLIVER

LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE,
OH, LIDA ROSE.

MRS. PAROO

(Simultaneous with above, OFFSTAGE)

Marian… Marian!

(Comes out on porch)

Marian dear! Who was your talkin’ to just –

(HAROLD ENTERS)
 Why Professor Hill!

HAROLD

Mrs. Paroo! The top a’ the evening! Miss Marian.

MRS. PAROO

You and Marian come up and set. I – I’ve – I’ve got some jelly on
the stove.

MARIAN

There’s no jelly on the stove, Mama.

MRS. PAROO

(Tartly – EXITING)

Well, I’ll put some on.

(MARIAN stands mute)

HAROLD

(After a pause)

Shall we “set” as your mother said?

MARIAN

Well, I…

HAROLD

You did ask me to call… ?

MARIAN

Did I? … I didn’t mean anything…

HAROLD

Now Miss Maria, I’m not suggesting your invitation inferred anything
but Academic enlightenment.
(MARIAN looks at him quizzically)

The Think System? I’ve been by your house to try to explain it to

you a time or two this week but there always seemed to be people
around – mostly ladies I thought.
 MARIAN

Yes, Mrs. Squires and several of the ladies.

HAROLD

I’m glad – you wouldn’t want anybody beating my time.

(Laughs)

You wouldn’t? no ma’am… Well, it’s evidently not the convenient

night. See you at the Sociable later.

(Starts to leave)

MARIAN

Professor Hill…
(HAROLD STOPS. MARIAN, blurting)

Is it true that you’ve –

(Starts to lose her nerve)

had a hundred… what I’m trying to say is…

HAROLD

(Advancing to her)

Yes?

MARIAN

(Completely losing her nerve)

Is it really true that you’ve developed a… a Think System?

HAROLD

A what? A Think System? Oh – Think System – yes. It’s really very

simple. As simple as whistling. Nobody has to show you how to
use your lips in whistling. You only have to think a tune to have it
come out clearly here.

(Pointing to HER lips)

Now just try this yourself, before you ask any questions.
 (Puckers up)

MARIAN

(Pulling back)

I take your word.

HAROLD

Could we sit down?

MARIAN

Are all music teachers as dense as I am?

HAROLD

All music teachers?

MARIAN

I daresay you meet dozens – even a hundred –

HAROLD

Well I –

MARIAN

(Cutting in)

Have they all been fascinated as I have with… the Think System?

HAROLD

Some more, some less. One young lady had thought up the same
system before I got to her town. She showed me a few
refinements…

MARIAN

(Turning away)

I see…

HAROLD

Have I said something wrong?

 MARIAN

(Turned away from him)

Please don’t let me keep you, Professor Hill. You must have many
more important things to do than to explain the Think System to
me.

HAROLD

Can’t think of one.

MARIAN

And I must be very dull company for a man of your experience.

HAROLD

Now saaaay… where’d you get an idea like that?

MARIAN

One hears rumors of traveling salesmen.

HAROLD

Now, Miss Marian – you mustn’t believe everything you hear. After
all, one even hears rumors about librarians.

MARIAN

(Turning on him)

I suppose you’re referring to Uncle Maddy.

HAROLD

Uncle Maddy?

MARIAN

Mr. Madison – my father’s best friend. No matter what they say he

left me an assured job so Mother and Winthrop and I would have
some security. Surely you don’t believe…

HAROLD

Of course not! That’s exactly what I’m saying. But why do you think
people start these rumors.
 MARIAN

Narrow-mindedness, jealousy – jealousy, mostly, I guess.

HAROLD

Exactly. And jealousy mostly starts rumors about traveling

salesmen.

(Catching her off-guard. Quietly)

What have you heard?

MARIAN

Oh – oh nothing about you personally – just generally –

HAROLD

What have you heard generally?

MARIAN

Just that –
(HAROLD is very close to HER)

but of course, it stands to reason that – that disappointment and

jealousy can lead to – I mean – take you for instance – your
attentions to – to – customers and – and well, teachers might easily
be misinterpreted mightn’t they…

(Frantically hoping for reassurance)

I mean, now honestly – mightn’t they?

HAROLD

Why?

MARIAN

(Racing on)

And, so you say – if another salesman – or somebody were jealous

– I mean – well, they could be downright lies – couldn’t they?

HAROLD
 (Confused)

What could?

MARIAN

Rumors and things.

HAROLD

Why, of course –

MARIAN

It just proves you should never believe everything you hear, doesn’t
it? I mean if you discuss things…

HAROLD

Miss Marian, I would be delighted to discuss anything in the world

with you. But couldn’t we do it sitting down?

(Trying to lighten her mood)

You do sit?... Your knees bend and all.

MARIAN

(Still nose to nose with HAROLD)

We could sit on the porch steps.

HAROLD

We could also sit on a large hollow log over’t the footbridge.

MARIAN

(Still not moving)

I couldn’t think of it. I’ve never been to the footbridge with a man in
my life.

HAROLD

Just to talk.

MARIAN
 I’ve got to dress for the Sociable.

HAROLD

Then meet me there in fifteen minutes.

MARIAN

I just can’t – please – some other time – maybe tomorrow.

HAROLD

My dear little librarian – Pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll find

you’ve collected nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don’t know
about you but I’d like to make today worth remembering.

MARIAN

(Breathlessly)

Oh – so would I.

HAROLD

The footbridge – fifteen minutes.

MARIAN

Fifteen minutes.
(HAROLD EXITS quickly. MARIAN’S voice is suddenly loud and
desperate.)

Mama!

MRS. PAROO

(Coming onto porch)

What?

MARIAN

I just told Professor Hill I’d meet him at the footbridge in fifteen
minutes.

MRS. PAROO

Glory be and the saints be praised – it works!

 MARIAN

What does?

MRS. PAROO

I been usin’ the Think System on you from the Parlor!

(BLACKOUT)

#38 – It’s you – Ballet (Orchestra)

SCENE FOUR

(TIME: Fifteen minutes later.

AT RISE: The footbridge. The stage is dark. As the TRAVELLER opens

we see TOWNSPEOPLE crossing the bridge on their way to the Sociable,
the QUARTET in Indian regalia, the LADIES in their Grecian draperies
and EVERYBODY dressed in their best carrying picnic baskets, freezers,
etc.

The LIGHTS iris up to reveal all the TEEN AGE COUPLES in a romantic
pose. THEY dance to a waltz tempo version of “It’s You”. The last
YOUNG LADY escapes her ESCORT and runs off RIGHT. HAROLD
appears, looks for MAIRAN, then raps on the Bridge with a large twig he
is carrying. The bridge moves forward, and HE conducts with the twig as
though he were leading a large orchestra. He catches himself, breaks the
twig and throws it away.)

MARCELLUS

(ENTERING in a rush)

Pssst! Hey Greg! The uniforms have arrived! The kids are in ‘em
already. The people are going to be screaming for music if those
kids show up at the Sociable.

HAROLD

Yeah –

MARCELLUS

(Handing HAROLD a roll)

 Here’s most a’ the dough. I got Tommy to collect it. He’s trying to
keep the kids together at least. Pretending to hold a practice over’t
the lumber yard.

HAROLD

All right, Marce. Get the rig.

MARCELLUS

I got it!

HAROLD

What time’s the freight go?

MARCELLUS

Nine-forty from the junction.

HAROLD

Well it’s not even eight-thirty yet –

MARCELLUS

Look, you wanta turtle-wurtle around here and get yourself caught
in a bunny-trap, you go ahead, but –

HAROLD

Don’t worry, Marce. I’ll meet you at the Hotel in plenty a’time.
(MARCELLUS EXITS as MARIAN ENTERS)

Miss Marian!
(THE rush toward each other and meet on the bridge)

You’re late.

MARIAN

But you said fifteen minutes –

HAROLD

I meant that you were about – Well I’d say – about twenty-six years
late – took you all this time to get to the footbridge with a fella.

MARIAN
 If you want to know the truth it was almost longer.

HAROLD

Oh?

MARIAN

Halfway here I nearly turned back. I suppose I’m not the first to find
it easier to think clearly when not under the spell of your
salesmanship.

HAROLD

(Protesting too much)

Now Miss Marian – surely you don’t think I’ve been selling you
anything.

MARIAN

No – you’ve given me something. That’s why I decided to come.

HAROLD

(Bewildered)

I don’t recall giving –

#39 – Till There Was You (Marian, Harold)

(MUSIC under following)

MARIAN

(With intensity)

Oh yes, you have! Something beautiful. That’s why I came – and I’

glad! Oh, please don’t be afraid that I expect too much more. One
can’t expect a traveling salesman to stay put. I know there have
been many ports of call – and there will be many more. But that’s
no reason for me not to be grateful for what you will have left
behind for me!

HAROLD

(Beginning to protest)

Marian – I –
 MARIAN

(Putting her hand over his mouth)

THERE WERE BELLS ON THE HILL,

BUT I NEVER HEARD THEM RINGING.
NO, I NEVER HEARD THEM AT ALL,
TILL THERE WAS YOU.

THERE WERE BIRDS IN THE SKY,

BUT I NEVER SAW THEM WINGING.
NO, I NEVER SAW THEM AT ALL,
TILL THERE WAS YOU.

AND THERE WAS MUSIC,

AND THERE WERE WONDERFUL ROSES,
THEY TELL ME,
IN SWEET FRAGRANT MEADOWS
OF DAWN AND DEW.

THERE WAS LOVE ALL AROUND,

BUT I NEVER HEARD IT SINGING.
NO, I NEVER HEARD IT AT ALL,
TILL THERE WAS YOU.

(ORCHESTRA boils up and over an eight bar extension as THEY kiss)

 HAROLD, MARIAN

THERE WAS LOVE ALL AROUND,

BUT I NEVER HEARD IT SINGING.
NO, I NEVER HEARD IT AT ALL,
TILL THERE WAS YOU.

(THEY kiss again as MARCELLUS rushes on)

HAROLD

Marian, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me –

MARCELLUS

(Whispering loudly)

Pssst! Hey Greg!

HAROLD

Excuse me. I’m expecting a cable from Hector Berlioz – this could
be it.

(Hurries to meet MARCELLUS)

Now what?

MARCELLUS

Who’s the salesman here? Sounds like she’s selling and you’re
buying.

HAROLD

You nuts? I didn’t know I’se goin’ to be able to leave tonight – I had
to keep her off balance, didn’t I? I told you –

MARCELLUS

Well, she’s so far off balance now you can’t tell her from a cat-boat
in a hurricane.

HAROLD

Listen, buster Brown, I’ve come up through the ranks on this

skirmish – I’m not resigning without my commission.
 MARCELLUS

But Greg, you can’t get anywhere right out here on the footbridge –

HAROLD

There’s a place over’t Madison Park near the Sociable makes this
footbridge look like the old ladies home. Now beat it. Go get the
rig.
(MARCELLUS EXITS as HAROLD returns to MARIAN)

Never a peaceful moment in the music business.

(Preparing for the kill)

Now then, where were we?

MARIAN

You were about to tell me what I don’t know about you.

HAROLD

(Trying to react)

Yeah – well we really don’t have to go into that just now – do we –

MARIAN

No, we don’t – or ever for that matter, Harold. The librarian hasn’t
felt much like doing research lately – but she did plenty when you
first came here.

HAROLD

(Slightly apprehensive)

Oh – about what?

MARIAN

About Professor Harold Hill, Gary Conservatory of Music – Gold

Medal Class of ’05. Harold, there wasn’t any Gary Conservatory in
’05.

HAROLD

Why there certainly –

 MARIAN

Because the town wasn’t even built till ’05.

(Kisses him)

I’ll see you at the Sociable.

HAROLD

(Calling after her)

You knew all the time?!

MARIAN

(Taking a paper from her bosom)

Since July 7th – three days after you came. I tore this page out of
the Indiana Journal.

(Handing him the paper)

It was originally intended to use against you but now I give it to you
with all my heart.

HAROLD

But if you knew – why didn’t you –

(MARIAN throws him another kiss as SHE EXITS.

Looking off after her)

Why you little –

#40 – Goodnight, my Someone & Seventy- (Marian, Harold)

Six Trombones (Double Reprise)
(HAROLD preens himself as he thinks all this over – enjoying his prowess
and his luck – HE starts off RIGHT as TRAVELLER CLOSES IN)

SCENE FIVE

(TIME: Immediately following.

AT RISE: HAROLD before TRAVELLER)

HAROLD
WHILE A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS
PLAYED THE AIR.
THEN I MODESTLY TOOK MY PLACE,
AS THE ONE AND ONLY BASS,
AND I OOM-PAHED UP AND DOWN THE SQUARE.

MARIAN

(OFFSTAGE)

GOODNIGHT, MY SOMEONE,
GOODNIGHT, MY LOVE.

HAROLD

WITH A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS

RIGHT BEHIND.

MARIAN

OUR STAR IS SHINING

ITS BRIGHTEST LIGHT.

HAROLD

(Taking paper re: Gary from his pocket)

THERE WERE HORNS OF EV’RY SHAPE AND…

(HAROLD recoils in a gigantic delayed take – struck by lightning – as the

realization hits him that he is in love)

SWEET DREAMS BE YOURS, DEAR,

IF DREAMS THERE BE.

MARIAN

WHILE A HUNDRED AND TEN CORNETS

PLAYED THE AIR.
 HAROLD

I WISH I MAY,
AND I WISH I MIGHT.
NOW GOODNIGHT,
MY SOMEONE, GOODNIGHT.

MARCELLUS

(ENTERING with HAROLD’S suitcase in one hand, desperately holding

off CHARLIE COWELL with the other)

Greg, this guy’s crazy. He’s goin’ all over town spillin’ everything.

CHARLIE COWELL

(Screaming mad)

I’ll say I’m crazy! Missed my train – prob’ly lost my job! But I got ya
now, Hill, and you’ll pay! You’d be in the clink right now had’na been
fer that piana teacher. I told her all about you and wha’d she do?
Lilligags me around till I couldn’t get to Shinn! Little dried up man-
hungry doxy, round heel fiz gig –
(HAROLD knocks CHARLIE COWELL down)

HAROLD

Get outa here or I’ll kill you, you dirty mouthed –

CHARLIE COWELL

(Scrambling off)

You bully! You big blow-off! I’ll stay in this town till you get yours up,
down, through and sideways. Why, you never even knew the
territory.

MARCELLUS

Here’s your stuff, Greg! The rig’s in the alley – Come on! Hurry up!

#41 – Ice Cream Sociable (Orchestra)

(MARCELLUS EXITS with suitcase, as HAROLD stands – not moving.

CURTAIN.

“Rustle of Spring” in ORCHESTRA takes us to next scene)

 SCENE SIX

(TIME: A few minutes later.

AT RISE: Madison Park. The Ice Cream Sociable. The last strains of
“Rustle of Spring” are heard as the LADIES are concluding their Grecian
Urn presentation)

EULALIE

Two Grecian Urns! And a fountain –

(There is mild applause. CHARLIE COWELL and MAYOR SHINN burst in
among the LADIES)

SHINN

Stop, stop. Listen to this man!

CHARLIE COWELL

You gullible green-grass goats! Can’t you get it through your heads
that you’re being swindled out’a your eye teeth right now – this
minute? There’s a burglar in the bedroom while you’re fiddling in
the parlor! I’m talking about Harold Hill – road agent – highwayman
– pickpocket.

MAN #1

Pickpocket?

CHARLIE COWELL

Same thing! He’s had his hand in your wallet, Mister, and yours,
Madam, and yours, little lady, ever since the first moment he came
to this town! There’s more documented evidence than you’ll ever
have time to read! There isn’t any band, there never has been any
band and there never will be any band! And if you don’t hunt this
man down right now like a mad dog, there won’t be any Harold Hill
either! He’ll be on the next train out of town.

SHINN

Now will you believe me?

MAN #2

Well what are you waiting for?

 WOMAN

I want my money back!

MAN #1

Money back – I want his hide!

SHINN

After him! And when you find him bring him to the schoolhouse.
After him!

#42 – Chase Music (Orchestra)

(Dispatches various GROUPS)

Try the low road! Look by the crick! Try the mill! Back a’ the privy!
(The PEOPLE all rush OFFSTAGE. The TRAVELLER CLOSES. We see
to LEFT. The GRECIAN LADIES cross from LEFT to RIGHT behind
TRAVELLER. WINTHROP breaks down and runs OFFSTAGE LEFT.
MARIAN rushes across from RIGHT to LEFT. Two GROUPS cross each
other behind TRAVELLER, one GROUP going LEFT, one GROUP going
RIGHT. HAROLD and MARCELLUS rush across from LEFT to RIGHT in
front of the TRAVELLER. Another GROUP including the QUARTET
rushes across after him, LEFT to RIGHT, in front of the TRAVELLER.
HAROLD and MARCELLUS reappear crossing from RIGHT to LEFT in
front of the TRAVELLER as MARIAN crosses from LEFT to RIGHT in
front of the TRAVELLER. THEY pass each other. HAROLD stops
abruptly, and calls to her.)

HAROLD

Marian! I’ve been looking all over for you! Where’ve you been?

MARIAN

(Rushing to him)

Harold! I’ve been looking for Winthrop – he’s run away! Please go!
Please Harold, they’re even talking about tar and feathers!

HAROLD

I had to see you, Marian –

MARIAN

It’s all right! Don’t you know that? You don’t owe me a word – not a
word – Please, hurry, please –
 MARCELLUS

(Rushing to HAROLD)

Greg –

(Attracted by OFFSTAGE activity, desperately calls in OFFSTAGE

direction)

He isn’t anywhere around here! Let’s try down by the crick!

(HE EXITS and WINTHROP rushes through looking over his shoulder)

MARIAN

Winthrop!
(Grabbing HIM.

WINTHROP breaks away but HAROLD grabs him)

HAROLD

Hey, wait a minute here, son.

WINTHROP

(Struggling)

I’m not your son! Leave go me!

HAROLD

Not till I talk to you for a minute.

WINTHROP

(Trying to fight loose)

I won’t listen! You wouldn’t tell the truth anyway.

HAROLD

I would too.

WINTHROP

Would not.

HAROLD
 Would too! Tell you anything you want to know.

WINTHROP

(Holding still for a minute)

Can you lead a band?

HAROLD

No.

WINTRHOP

Are you a big liar?

HAROLD

Yes.

WINTHROP

Are you a dirty rotten crook?

HAROLD

Yes.

WINTHROP

(Bursting into tears, kicking)

Leave me go, you big liar!

HAROLD

What’s the matter? You wanted the truth, didn’t you? Now I’m
bigger’n you and you’re going to stand here and get it all so you
might as well quit wiggling.
(WINTHROP finally stops exhausted, stands panting)

There’s two things you’re entitled to know. One, you’re a wonderful

kid. I thought so from the first. That’s why I wanted you in the
band, just so you’d quit mopin’ around feeling sorry for yourself.

WINTHROP

(Sarcastically)
 What band?

HAROLD

… I always think there’s a band, kid.

WINTHROP

What’s the other thing I’m entitled to know?

HAROLD

Well – actually the other thing isn’t any your business now that I
think of it.

WINTHROP

I wish you’d never come to River City!

MARIAN

No you don’t, Winthrop.

#43 – Till There Was you (Reprise) (Harold)

WINTHROP

Sister! You believe him?

MARIAN

I believe everything he ever said.

WINTHROP

But he promised us –

MARIAN

I know what he promised us and it all happened just like he said.

The lights. And the flags and the colors. And the cymbals.

WINTHROP

Where was all that?

MARIAN

(Hotly)
 In the way every kid in this town walked around here all summer,
and looked and acted. Especially you! And the parents, too. Does
Mama wish he’d never come to River City?

WINTHROP

Well you do, don’t you?

MARIAN

No, Winthrop. No go, Harold – please.

WINTHROP

(Bursting into tears)

Go on, Professor, hurry up.

HAROLD

I can’t go, Winthrop.

WINTHROP

Why not?

HAROLD

For the first time in my life I got my foot caught in the door.

(To MARIAN)

THERE WAS LOVE ALL AROUND,

BUT I NEVER HEARD IT SINGING.
NO I NEVER HEARD IT AT ALL,
TILL THERE WAS YOU.

(THE embrace)

MARCELLUS

(ENTERING)

Greg!

(Desperately)

Greg, they’re here! That way – that way.

(HAROLD stays where he is as the MEN surround him. CONSTABLE
LOCKE takes charge with handcuffs.

CURTAIN)

SCENE SEVEN

(TIME: Immediately following.

AT RISE: The River City High School Assembly Room. TOWNSPEOPLE

assembled. In evidence are the DEL SARTE LADIES and the other
program participants, their costumes bedraggled by the storm)
 SHINN

(On the podium)

-which is why I interrupted the program at this point. Rest assured

this snake in our bosom would have been misapprehended by this
time. Yes! And always remember –

(Gesturing with a packet of papers)

fellow River Citizens, I can only remind you that I did everything in
my power to prevent this dire happening from – ah – happening.
Four score –

MAN #1

What have you done to get our money back?

MAN #2

That Professor collected nearly three hundred dollars for uniforms,

just tonight!

WOMAN #1

And we haven’t even seen them uniforms yet!

SHINN

He’s slippery. I told you –

WOMAN #2

I haven’t seen any uniform or my boy either, since just after supper!

MAN #3

He’s a kidnapper!

WOMAN #3

Fine situation here!

SHINN

Four score –
(CONSTABLE LOCKE ENTERS and signals to SHINN. SHINN’S FACE
takes on a self-satisfied smile)
 Just a minute! Virtue has triumphed! The sword of retribution has
cut down Professor Harold Hill!
(HAROLD ENTERS in custody, MARIAN at his side. CROWD reaction.
Several of the Men rush for HAROLD. CONSTABLE pushes them back)

And if there are those, as I have heard, who are melting tar and
collecting feathers, I will not say them nay!
 MARIAN

(Rushing up to the rostrum)

Well I should think there out to be some of you who could forget our
everlasting Iowa stubborn chip-on-the-shoulder arrogance long
enough to remember River City before Harold Hill arrived. Do you
remember? Well, do you? Surely some of you ought to be grateful
to him for what he’s brought to River City and if so I should think
you’d want to admit it.

SHINN

You’re wasting a great deal of time here. If there’s a person in this

hall who doesn’t think this man Hill be tarred and feathered, let him
stand up.
(The SILENCE is ear-splitting. Then MRS. PAROO stands. Next
ZANEETA, then the SCHOOL BOARD QUARTET, the WA TAN YE
GIRLS, the LADIES OF DANCE COMMITTEE, finally CONSTABLE
LOCKE, and EULALIE)

Eulalie, set down.

(SHE sits, but at a gesture from MRS. PAROO rises again immediately)

And the rest a’you standin’ there like a cote a’ Shropshyre sheep.
(THEY all sit slowly)

Have you people forgotten how you bought expensive uniforms,

technical instruction books and high-priced band instruments?
Have you forgotten the clear understanding and warrantee that
your children would be taught to play in a band? Well, where’s the
band? Where’s the band?
(TOMMY ENTERs with KIDS in uniforms too big and too small. HE blows
WHISTLE. The KIDS hold up their instruments into playing position.
HAROLD stands aghast. MARIAN quickly takes pointer from the
blackboard, breaks off a “baton” and hands it to HAROLD)

HAROLD

(Looks around desperately, finds no place to hid. Fervently)

Think, men, think!

(HE gives the upbeat and leads the BAND in “Minuet in G” like it has been
played before – just barely recognizable. The RIVER CITIZENS think it’s
the greatest thing they ever heard. SHINN crosses to TOMMY in
amazement – shakes hands with him)
#44 – Finale – Act 2 (Orchestra)

ALMA

That’s my Barney! That Tuba’s my Barney!

MAN #1

Eddie! That’s Eddie’s Clarionette!

MAUD

Linus, play to me son, play to me!

MAN #2

Davey, my Davey.

SHINN

(At CORNET SOLO)

Mrs. Paroo, that’s Winthrop!

(MRS. PAROO registers thrills and pride.

HAROLD has been standing taller with each exclamation, and now
conducts with a flourish; the same inimitable HAROLD HILL of before.
SHINN crosses, shakes his hand. PEOPLE cheer. CHARLIE COWELL
EXITS. HAROLD embraces MARIAN.

CURTAIN)

#45 – Curtain Call Music (Orchestra)

#46 – Exit Music (Orchestra)

THE END