MATILDA JR.

When I Grow Up*

When I Grow Up*

When I grow up
I will be tall enough to reach the branches
That I need to reach to climb the trees
You get to climb when you're grown up

And when I grow up

I will be smart enough to answer all
The questions that you need to know
The answers to, before you're grown up

And when I grow up

I will eat sweets everyday on the way to work
And I will go to bed late every night

And I will wake up

When the sun comes up
And I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square

And I won't care 'cause I'll be all grown up

When I grow up

When I grow up
When I grow up
When I grow up
I will be strong enough to carry all
The heavy things you have to haul around with you
When you're a grown up

And when I grow up

When I grow up
When I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
That you have to fight beneath the bed
Each night to be a grown up
And when I grow up (When I grow up)
I will have treats everyday
And I'll play with things that mum pretends
That mums don't think are fun

And I will wake up (I will wake up)

When the sun comes up
And I will spend all day just lying in the sun
And I won't burn 'cause I'll be all grown up

When I grow up

[Miss Honey]
When I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
That you have to fight beneath the bed
Each night to be a grown up
When I grow up

[Matilda]
Just because you find that life's not fair
It doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
Nothing will change

[Miss Honey]
When I grow up
[Matilda]
Just because I find myself in this story
It doesn't mean that everything is written for me
If I think the ending is fixed already
I might as well be saying
I think that it's ok
And that's not right
Scene 1: Wormwords living room

(MR. WORMWOOD bursts in, pushing past MATILDA and speaking into
a telephone.)

MR. WORMWOOD: Yes, sir. That's right, sir. One hundred and fifty five
brand new luxury cars, sir.

MRS. WORMWOOD: (screams noticing MATILDA reading a book)

Ahhhh! Harry!

MR. WORMWOOD: Hang on—

MRS. WORMWOOD: Look at this, she's reading a book. That's not normal for a
five-year-old. I think she might be an idiot.

MATILDA: Listen to this, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of
times..."
(MRS. WORMWOOD covers her ears)

MR. WORMWOOD: Stop scaring your mother with that book, boy!

MATILDA: I’m a girl.

MRS. WORMWOOD: And she keeps trying to tell me stories, Harry. It's not
normal for a girl to be all thinking—

MR. WORMWOOD: (into the phone) I'm gonna call you straight back. (hangs up,
to MRS. WORMWOOD)

MR. WORMWOOD: Matilda! Put the book down.

MATILDA: But that's not fair!

MR. WORMWOOD: Fair? Listen to the boy!

MATILDA: I'm a girl.

MR. WORMWOOD: Fair does not get you anywhere, you thick-headed twit brain
With your stupid books and your stupid reading!

(MRS. WORMWOOD exits.)

INTRO TO NAUGHTY begins.

MR. WORMWOOD: (to MATILDA) This is your fault! With your stupid books
and your stupid reading!

MATILDA: But that's not right!

MR. WORMWOOD: You're off to school in a few days and I know your
headmistress Agatha Trunchbull. I've told her all about you. Scary woman she is,
used to compete in the Olympics, throwing the hammer. Imagine what she's going
to do to a horrible little goblin like you, boy.

MATILDA: I'm a girl.

MR. WORMWOOD
Now I am off to bed you little... bookworm!

(MR. WORMWOOD exits and MATILDA and picks up a book.)

Scene 2: Naughty

Naughty*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

So they say, their subsequent fall was inevitable

They never stood a chance, they were written that way

Innocent victims of their story

Like Romeo and Juliet

'Twas written in the stars before they even met

That love and fate and a touch of stupidity

Would rob them of their hope of living happily

The endings are often a little bit gory

I wonder why they didn't just change their story

We're told we have to do what we're told, but surely

Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty

Just because you find that life's not fair, it

Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it

If you always take it on the chin and wear it

Nothing will change

Even if you're little, you can do a lot, you

Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you

If you sit around and let them get on top, you

Might as well be saying you think that it's okay

And that's not right

And if it's not right

You have to put it right

In the slip of a bolt, there's a tiny revolt

The seed of a war in the creak of a floorboard

A storm can begin with the flap of a wing

The tiniest mite packs the mightiest sting

Every day starts with the tick of a clock

All escapes start with the click of a lock

If you're stuck in your story and want to get out

You don't have to cry, you don't have to shout

'Cause if you're little, you can do a lot, you

Mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you

If you sit around and let them get on top, you

Won't change a thing

Just because you find that life's not fair, it

Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it

If you always take it on the chin and wear it

You might as well be saying you think that it's OK

And that's not right

And if it's not right

You have to put it right

But nobody else is gonna put it right for me

Nobody but me is gonna change my story
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty

(Morning. MR. WORMWOOD enters the bathroom

wearing a towel on his hair, MICHAEL trailing.)

MR. WORMWOOD: In business, son, a man's hair is his greatest asset. Good hair
means a good brain.

(MR. WORMWOOD removes the towel, revealing his hair

is now bright green.)

(MRS. WORMWOOD and MATILDA enter.)

MRS. WORMWOOD: Your... hair! It's... It's... green!

(MRS. WORMWOOD holds up a mirror.)

MR. WORMWOOD: My hair's green!

MRS. WORMWOOD: Why on earth did you do that?

MATILDA: Maybe you used some of mummy's peroxide by mistake?

MRS. WORMWOOD: That's exactly what you've done, you stupid man!
MR. WORMWOOD: My hair! My lovely hair?
(sudden thought)
I've got my business deal today! What am I going to do?

MATILDA: I know what you can do.

MR. WORMWOOD: What?

MATILDA: You could pretend you're an elf.

MR. WORMWOOD: What are you talking about you fool? The boy's a loony.

Scene 3: Classroom Spelling

MISS HONEY: Alright class, to start off the year, who can read this (gestures to
board)

(NIGEL, MATILDA, and LAVENDER raise their hands.)

NIGEL: Me, me, me, oooh, oooh, me, pick me miss, I can, mememememe—

MISS HONEY: Very well, Nigel.

(NIGEL opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes
out.)
Yes, I think we'd better leave it there, Nigel, we don't want you
to burst a blood vessel on your first day.
(NIGEL droops on his desk.)
Lavender?

LAVENDER: Is the first word... tomato?

MISS HONEY: Um, no. But tomato is a very good word.

LAVENDER: Yessss!
MISS HONEY: Matilda?

MATILDA: I can now read words.

MISS HONEY: So Matilda, you can read words?

MATILDA: Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read

sentences because basically a sentence is just a big bunch of words. And if you
can't read sentences you've got no chance with books.

MISS HONEY
And... have you read a whole book yourself?

MATILDA: More than one. I love books. Last week I read quite a few.

MISS HONEY: A few? What books did you read?

MATILDA: Oliver Twist, Jane Eyre, The Lord of the Rings,

Crime and Punishment, and... and The Cat In The Hat.

(MISS HONEY stares, open mouthed. The bell sounds.

The KIDS exit.)

(TRUNCHBULL ENTERS)

TRUNCHBULL: You called for me?

(MISS HONEY doesn't move.)
Well don't just stand there like a wet tissue, get on with it.

MISS HONEY: Miss Trunchbull there's, in, in, in my class there is a little girl
called Matilda Wormwood—

TRUNCHBULL: Daughter of Mr. Harry Wormwood who owns Wormwood

Motors. Excellent man. Told me to watch out for the brat, though, says she's a real
wart.
MISS HONEY: Oh no, Headmistress, I don't think Matilda is that kind of child
at all.

TRUNCHBULL: What is the school motto, Miss Honey?

MISS HONEY: Bambinatum est maggitum. [bahm-bi-nah-tum ehst mahgi-tum]

TRUNCHBULL: Bambinatum est maggitum. [bahm-bi-nah-tum ehst mahgi-tum]

Children are maggots. In fact it must have been her who put that stink bomb under
my desk this morning. I'll have her for that. Thank you for suggesting it.

MISS HONEY: But I didn't... Miss Trunchbull; Matilda Wormwood is a genius.

TRUNCHBULL: Nonsense!

MISS HONEY: Headmistress, it is my opinion that this little girl should be placed
in highschool.

TRUNCHBULL: We cannot just "place her in highschool!" What kind of society

would that be? What about rules, Honey, rules?

Miss HONEY: I believe that Matilda Wormwood is an exception to the rules.

TRUNCHBULL: An exception?

The Hammer*
Look at these trophies, see how my trophies gleam in the sunlight, see how they shine

What do you think it took to become English Hammer-throwing champion 1969?

Do you think in that moment, when my big moment came

That I treated the rules with casual disdain? Well, like hell

As I stepped up to the circle, did I change my plan? Hmm? What?

As I chalked to my palms, did I wave my hands? I did not

As I started my spin, did I look at the view?

Did I drift off and dream for a minute or two?

Do you think I faltered or amended my rotation?

Do you think I altered my intended elevation?

As the hammer took off, did I change my grunt

From the grunt, I had practised for many a month?

Not a jot, not a dot, did I stray from the plot

Not a detail of my throw was adjusted or forgotten

Not even when the hammer left my hands

And sailed high up, up above the stands, did I let myself go

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

If you want to throw the hammer for your country

You have to stay inside the circle all the time

And if you want to make the team

You don't need happiness or self-esteem

You just need to keep your feet inside the line

Sing, children (two, three, four)

If you want to throw the hammer for your country

Habinot est magitem, you have to stay inside the circle all the time

(Circular, magitem, magitem)

And if you want to teach success (ahh, ahh)

You don't use sympathy or tenderness (tenderness)

You have to force the little squits to toe the line!

Sing, Jenny! (Two, three, four)

If you want to throw the hammer for your country

(Regotem, regotem varia magitem)

You have to stay inside the circle all the time (tempero es te iste is)

Apply just one simple rule, to hammer-throwing, life, and school

Life's a ball, so learn to throw it, find the bally line, and toe it

And always keep your feet inside the line

Now get out

Scene 4 - The Chokey Chant

NIGEL enters, panicked.)

NIGEL: Hide me! Someone poured a whole can of treacle onto

Trunchbull's chair! Someone told her I did it and now she's after me!

MATILDA: That's not fair!

LAVENDER^: Once Agatha Trunchbull decides you're guilty you are squished.

NIGEL: They're saying she's going to put me in chokey.

Chokey Chant*
Oh, Matilda! They're saying she's going to put me in Chokey!

What's Chokey?

They say it's a cupboard in her office that she throws children into

They say she's lined it with nails, and spikes, and bits of broken glass

There's a place you are sent if you haven't been good

 And it's made of spikes and wood

And it isn't wide enough to sit

And even if you could

There are nails on the bottom

So you wish you'd stood

When the hinges creak and the door is closed

You cannot see squat

Not the end of your nose

And when you scream, you don't know if the sound came out

Or if the scream in your head even reached your mouth

MATILDA: You'd better hide. Quick! Rain jackets!

NIGEL: Please don't tell her where I am Matilda, she'll—

MATILDA: Now!

(The KIDS throw their coats on NIGEL, hiding him from

TRUNCHBULL, then stand in an inspection line.)
(The TRUNCHBULL enters. The KIDS avoid eye contact,
except MATILDA.)

TRUNCHBULL: (pointing at MATILDA) Where is the maggot known as Nig-el?

MATILDA: He's over there under those coats.

(The KIDS look at MATILDA, horrified at her betrayal. Smiling, TRUNCHBULL
crosses to the coats.)

MATILDA: Where he's been for the last hour actually.

(TRUNCHBULL stops.)

TRUNCHBULL: What? An hour?

MATILDA: Oh yes. Nigel suffers from a rare but chronic sleeping disorder
called narcolepsy. The sufferer falls asleep, often without any warning. We put him
under the coats for safety. Didn't we?
(The KIDS stare open-mouthed.)
Didn't we?

LAVENDER: Definitely!

MATILDA: He'll probably think he's in bed when he wakes up.

(NIGEL emerges, stretching.)

NIGEL: Is everything okay?

TRUNCHBULL: Amanda Thripp!

AMANDA: Yes Miss Trunchbull!

TRUNCHBULL: What have I told you about wearing pigtails, I hate pigtails.

AMANDA: but…. my mummy says they make me look pretty!

TRUNCHBULL: Then your mother (grabs AMANDA by her pigtails) is a twit!

(TRUNCHBULL swings AMANDA by her pigtails and releases, AMANDA

crumples to the ground, MATILDA rushes to her aid)
TRUNCHBULL: You! What is your name?

MATILDA: Matilda. Matilda Wormwood.

TRUNCHBULL: well Wormwood, you have just made a big mistake.

(TRUNCHBULL storms out)

Scene 5 - This Little Girl

MISS HONEY: May I have a word, it will only take a moment.

MRS. WORMWOOD: Oh, well, come in if you must.

(inviting MISS HONEY inside)
This is Rudolpho, he's my dance partner. We're rehearsing.

RUDOLPHO: Ciao (chow).

Miss HONEY: Ah, parle Italiano? Bene.

RUDOLPHO: (beat)What?
(to MRS. WORMWOOD)
Who is this, babe? You know what interruptions do to my energy flow.

MRS. WORMWOOD: What do you want, Miss Chutney?

MISS HONEY: It's Miss Honey. Well, as you know Matilda is in the bottom
class and children in the bottom class aren't really expected to read—

MRS. WORMWOOD: Well stop her reading then. Lord knows we've tried.

RUDOLPHO: (dancing) I'm in the zone, doll. I can feel it in my hips. Don't waste
this.
MRS. WORMWOOD: I'm not in favor of girls getting all clever pants, Miss
Hussey.Looks are more important than books. Now, look at you, look at me. You
chose books, I chose looks. Good day.

(MRS. WORMWOOD takes RUDOLPHO’S hand and walks off)

This Little Girl*

Stop being pathetic, Jenny

Stop pretending, Jenny

That you are going to march in there and give them a piece of your mind!

Leave it alone, Jenny!

The more that you try

The more you just look like a fool!

This is not your problem

You've not got the spine

You are a teacher just go back to school!

But this little girl

This miracle

She seems not to know

That she's special at all

And what sort of teacher would I be

If I let this little girl fall through the cracks I can see?

This little girl needs somebody strong to fight by her side

Instead she's found me

Pathetic little me
And another door closes
And Jenny's outside
Scene 6 - Miss Honey’s Classroom

(As the KIDS enter MISS HONEY pulls MATILDA aside.)

MISS HONEY: Matilda, starting tomorrow I shall bring in a selection of very

clever books that will challenge your mind. You may sit and read them while I
teach the others and if you have any questions, well, I shall do my best to answer
them. How does that sound?

(A beat. MATILDA is overwhelmed and suddenly hugs

MISS HONEY.)

MISS HONEY: Matilda! Why... that is the biggest hug in the world! You're
going to hug all of the air out of me!

(MATILDA shows no sign of breaking the hug. A beat.

MISS HONEY hugs back.)

(TRUNCHBULL storms in.)

TRUNCHBULL: Matilda Wormwood! Where is—

MATILDA: (stepping forward) Yes, Miss Trunchbull.

TRUNCHBULL: Aha! So you admit it do you?

MATILDA: Admit what, Miss Trunchbull?

TRUNCHBULL: This morning this foul carbuncle sneaked like a serpent into the
kitchen and stole a slice of my private chocolate cake from my tea tray.

MATILDA: No I did not!

MISS HONEY: Miss Trunchbull, Matilda's been here all morning.

TRUNCHBULL: Standing up for the little spitball are you? Well this crime took
place before school started. Therefore she is guilty!

MATILDA: I didn't do anything!

TRUNCHBULL: You are a crook, and a thief and I shall crush you!

(BRUCE lets out a really, really enormous burp.)

TRUNCHBULL: Bruce Bogtrotter… (TRUNCHBULL advances on BRUCE.)

BRUCE: Yes, Miss?

TRUNCHBULL
You ate my cake, didn't you, Bruce?

BRUCE

Yes, Miss Trunchbull, and I'm very sorry, I stole the cake. And honestly I was
really, definitely, sort of almost thinking about owning up...maybe? But I was
having a lot of trouble with my belly. The cake was so good that I'd scoffed it down
too quick and now it is beginning to fight back.

TRUNCHBULL: Oh, as long as you enjoyed the cake, that's the main thing.

BRUCE: Is it?

TRUNCHBULL: Yes, Bogtrotter, it is.

BRUCE: Oh. Well... I did. (a beat) Thank you.

TRUNCHBULL: Wonderful. Marvellous. That makes me so happy, it gives me a
warm glow in my lower intestine. (calling offstage) Oh, Coo-ook!
(The COOK enters, carrying a massive chocolate cake with one slice missing.
The COOK plonks the cake in front of BRUCE. He stares at it.)

TRUNCHBULL: What's the matter, Bogtrotter? Lost your appetite?

BRUCE: Well, yes. I'm full.

TRUNCHBULL: I will tell you when you are full, and I say that
criminals like you are not full until you have eaten the entire cake!

BRUCE: But—

TRUNCHBULL: No buts. Eat!

MISS HONEY: Headmistress, he'll be sick—

TRUNCHBULL: He should have thought of that before he decided to steal my

cake!

(BRUCE eats and finishes the cake, he holds up an empty plate. MISS HONEY
jumps up and screams.)

MISS HONEY: Go on Brucie! Yes! Yes!

ALL: Gasp!

Miss HONEY: (to TRUNCHBULL) Sorry, Miss Trunchbull. I got carried away.

(TRUNCHBULL smiles, crossing to BRUCE.)

TRUNCHBULL: Oh, that's alright, Miss Honey. We all get carried away
sometimes. Even me. Well, done Bogtrotter. Good show.
(BRUCE has no idea what to say. So he nods a smile to her. She returns it and then
heads to the door. He has got away with it... But the TRUNCHBULL stops. Turns.
Looks at him.)

TRUNCHBULL: Well? (ALL looks confused.) Come along, Bogtrotter.

BRUCE: What? Where?

TRUNCHBULL: Oh, did I not mention? That was the first part of your
punishment. There's more. The second part. And the second part is... chokey!

BRUCE: What?

MISS HONEY: No, Miss Trunchbull please, you can't!

TRUNCHBULL: Do you think I would allow myself to be defeated by these

maggots? Did you? Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? A weakling? An idiot?
You?

( TRUNCHBULL storms back to BRUCE and grabs him

by the wrist.)

BRUCE: No, please! Not that! Don't take me to Chokey. Not that! Nooo!

(The TRUNCHBULL drags BRUCE out.)

MATILDA: That's not right!

(Door Slam sound)

Scene 7: Spelling Bee

(TRUNCHBULL ENTERS)
TRUNCHBULL: This class is going to have a very special spelling test. Any child
who gets one single answer wrong, shall join Bruce in the chokey.
(ALL gasp) (MISS HONEY glares at her)

TRUNCHBULL: What are you looking at?

MISS HONEY: You.

(Beat. TRUNCHBULL is momentarily taken aback, but

carries on.)

MISS HONEY: (to ERIC) You! Spell, Oh now, let me see... Spell Lakota.

ERIC: Lakota. L-A-K-O-T-A-. Lakota.

TRUNCHBULL: What?

ERIC: Miss Honey's taught us. She's very good at teaching.

TRUNCHBULL:Nonsense! (to KID) You! Stand up, turn around and spell the one
thing that you all are... revolting!

KID: Revolting. R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N-G. Revolting.

TRUNCHBULL: You're cheating!

MISS HONEY: I've taught them, that's all. With kindness and patience and respect.

TRUNCHBULL: How dare you bring those words into my classroom, madam?
You know nothing of teaching and I shall prove it.
(to LAVENDER)
You! Spell... Amchellakamanialseptricolistimosis.
[am-chell-ak-a-manial-sept-ri-colis-ti-mosis]

MISS HONEY: But that's not a word, you just made it up!
TRUNCHBULL: Spell. Or go to chokey. And I should warn you; it has silent
letters...

LAVENDER: A-M-CH-E... L LA

TRUNCHBULL: Wrong! (Shouts to wing) Bruce, make some room in the chokey!

MATILDA: That’s not fair!!

NIGEL: Run!

ALL: Run Run Run!!

Revolting Children*
Whoa!

Never again will she get the best of me

Never again will she take away my freedom

And we won't forget the day we fought

For the right to be a little bit naughty!

Never again will the chokey door slam

Never again will I be bullied and

Never again will I doubt it when

My mummy says I'm a miracle

Never again will we live behind bars

Never again now that we know that we are

Revolting children

Living in revolting times

We sing revolting songs

Using revolting rhymes

We'll be revolting children

Til our revolting's done

And we'll have the Trunchbull bolting

We're revolting!

We are revolting children

Living in revolting times

We sing revolting songs

Using revolting rhymes

We'll be revolting children

'Til our revolting's done

And we'll have the Trunchbull bolting

We're revolting!

We will become a screaming horde!

Take out your hockey stick and use it as a sword

Never again will we be ignored

We'll find out where the chalk is stored

And draw rude pictures on the board

It's not insulting

We're revolting!

We can S-P-el how we like!

If enough of us are wrong, wrong is right!

Everyone! N-O-R-T-Y?

'Cause we're a little bit naughty!

You say we oughta stay inside the line

But if we disobey at the same time

There is nothing that the Trunchbull can do

She can take her hammer and S-H-U(v)

You mighta thought we were weak but we're strong!

Mighta thought we would break but you're wrong!

Because you finally pushed us too far

Now there's no going back cos we...

R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N

Revolting times!

We'll S-I-N-G

Songs!

U-S-I-N-G

Rhymes!

We'll be R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N-G

It is 2-L-8-4-U-E-R-E-vol-ting!

We are revolting children

Living in revolting times

We sing revolting songs

Using revolting rhymes

We'll be revolting children

Til our revolting's done

It is 2-L-8-4-U, 4-U, 4-U, 4-U, 4-U!

We are revolting children

Never again will she get the best of me

Living in revolting times

We sing revolting songs

Whoa, yeah

Using revolting rhymes

We'll be revolting children

'Til our revolting's done

Down, down, down, down!

It is 2-L-8-4-U
We are revolting!

Scene 8 - Offstage

MISS HONEY: A few days later, I received a letter. It said that Trunchbull had
been fired,

MATILDA: and was never seen again. The chokeys were immediately destroyed
and a new headmistress took over.

KID: And her name was... Miss Honey! And it was often said that it was the best
school in all the land.

MISS HONEY: However, Matilda was still stuck with parents who were cruel and
called her names.

Scene 9 - Spain
(MISS HONEY and MATILDA ENTER) (WORMWOODS and RODOLPHO are
frantically packing)

MR. WORMWOOD: Don't stand there gawping, we're going to Spain, forever!

MATILDA: Spain? But... why?

MRS. WORMWOOD: Because we said so.

MISS HONEY: Let Matilda stay here with me!

MR. WORMWOOD: I beg your pardon?

MISS HONEY: Mr. Wormwood, I would love to take Matilda. I would look after
her with love and respect and I'd pay for everything.

MR. WORMWOOD: You mean leave our daughter? Here, with you?

MATILDA: Dad you... you called me your daughter.

MR. WORMWOOD: Do you want to stay? Here with Miss Honey?

MATILDA: Yes! Yes I do!

MR. WORMWOOD: And you want to look after her?

MISS HONEY: I do.

MR. WORMWOOD: Well... we are a bit short of room, so... Yes.

MATILDA: Thank you!

(MATILDA and MISS HONEY hug - blackout)

BOWS