Erotic Intelligence - Esther Perel

WHY EROTICISM IS KEY IN THE

MARRIAGE?
He has been working as a couples therapist in New York for more than twenty years and
he decided to use that experience to answer one of the great enigmas of our
times: why do so many established marriages complain about their sex life? In
"Erotic Intelligence," a global bestseller, debunks myths and invites a reconciliation of eroticism.
and domesticity. "It is always said that problems in sexuality come from
relational problems. But I have seen many couples who love each other, get along and
They communicate well, and they complain about the lack of eroticism. That shows that a good

intimacy no always guarantees a good sexuality

BY DANIELA MOHOR W.
Recommended by LEONCIO S.B
Esther Perel speaks eight languages and in recent months that has been very useful to her.
last October, published in the United States "Erotic Intelligence", a book that has already
has been translated into 21 languages and has taken its author to 14 countries, including Germany,
Mexico, France, Turkey, and Argentina. In all those places, the same has awakened.
interest, and it is no surprise. After all, this psychotherapist, expert in relationships
intercultural and in marriages between people of different religions or ethnicities, addresses
a universal theme that is at the center of the concerns of today's marriages:
How to maintain eroticism in a stable relationship?

Born and raised in Belgium, Esther Perel (49 years old) studied in Israel and trained as
family and couples psychotherapist in the United States. In addition to teaching classes in the
New York universities (NYU) and Columbia have had a consultation for 20 years.
private in the Big Apple. There he gathered the experience that allows him to reflect on the
paradox of today's adults: "The great surprise of this generation is the decrease
from desire. I tried to understand what happened with the generation of the 60s, the one from
heirs of the sexual revolution, who have access to contraception, have ideals
more democratic in their minds and the permission to have all the sex they want, but
they complain that over time desire fades,
airport to a hotel in Chicago, where she was invited to give a conference.

Little convinced of the correctness of the myths, which are very established in society, according to the

what sexual problems arise from relational problems, this woman (married)
25 years ago and mother of two children aged 11 and 14) decided to reflect on the notion
of eroticism in the couple, and more particularly of the stable couple. "I have seen many
marriages that love each other, get along, and communicate well, and that complain about lack of

desire and eroticism. This shows that good intimacy does not guarantee a good
sexuality, sentence.

Why is it always said that marriage or stable relationships kill passion?

and the eroticism?

First, it must be said that the idea of having passion within marriage
it is quite new. Before, that romantic ideal did not exist. Marriage was a
economic institution, to find a partner, to have respectability, to be able to have
children and family life, and financial support. Passion was a rather male privilege
that existed outside of marriage. And the reason why it is said that marriage kills
Passion is such that in marriage, as well as in a stable relationship or partnership.
committed, we seek security, stability, and continuity. We seek to feel ourselves
anchored. And the passion is fueled by quite different things. It is not fueled by
stability, but with the unknown, the novelty, the surprise, and I would even say that the
passion sometimes comes alongside insecurity. Love flourishes in an environment of
reciprocity, protection, and mutuality. And those same ingredients can inhibit
the desire.

Do you think that security in love kills desire?

It's not that I kill it. It's that they are fundamentally two different needs. The desire
It is fueled by the unknown and the unknown gives us a bit of anxiety. That
We don't want anxiety in the same place where we want peace and stability.
We are willing to have her outside of the couple or at the beginning of the relationship, but not in
the committed couple. Part of what nullifies desire is that we have never before
treaty to combine eroticism and domesticity in the same person. Reconciling those
the needs for security and adventure within the same relationship is something quite
paradoxical. If can achieve but no es easy.
The traps of the romantic ideal

That reconciliation is undoubtedly one of the greatest challenges of the new ideal of
marriage. A romantic ideal that, according to Esther Perel, can have harmful effects.
Today we place on the couple a number of expectations that had never before been
placed in a single person. We seek for the couple to provide us with what they previously provided.

just gave a whole town or the extended family. We want the couple to give meaning to
our life and give us a sense of belonging, of continuity in addition to all
the things we expect from marriage, such as economic support and building a family.
And at the same time we want him to be our best friend, our confidant and
our passionate lover. There are many things for one person. If we search
In the romantic relationship, all the sense of security that we used to find in the
community or the extended family, we will not have the ability to bridge the distance,
the space that desire needs in order to sustain itself. Fire needs air and
Many couples today do not give each other enough space. The romantic couple
she is always talking about being together and confuses intimacy with control and fusion
explain Esther Perel.

In that sense, he adds, the concept of freedom is paramount. "We should not interpret
immediately freedom like falling in love with another. That is a concept of freedom.
that has nothing to do with what is needed within a stable relationship, which is
maintain individuality.

The psychotherapist illustrates the concept with an image: that of a girl who is in the
in her mother's arms, decides to get down to walk on her own and while doing so,
turns around to look at her mother. "If the girl sees that her mother is enjoying her
freedom and he sends as a message go ahead, it's fine, I'm here, meet with him
world and enjoy your independence, then the girl will take that security and
the trust that the mother gives to go a little further and then, when he gets tired, come back
to her arms. However, if when the girl turns around she sees her anxious mother,
depressed, making her feel guilty because she is leaving without her, the message she receives is
that to maintain the connection, to not lose intimacy or maternal love, one has to
to return to his arms and compromise her freedom. That girl will be a person whom most
later it will be much more difficult for him to make love to the person he loves, because for
to maintain desire and make love with the person one loves, one needs to have the
the same time a psychological freedom and a connection. The dynamic of how to achieve the
the balance between those two needs begins from the moment we are born.

The reason why it is essential to achieve that balance and attain some freedom.
Psychological, the expert explains, is that enjoying sexuality not only involves
to give oneself to the partner, but also to enter within one's own body and one's own
mind. "If one cannot maintain the connection with oneself, one cannot enter within
himself, will never enjoy.

Esther found evidence of this need for freedom and respect of the
the individuality of the other is fundamental to maintaining desire in the responses given to them

dozens of people answered a very simple question: when do you feel the most
attracted to their partner? Each time, the specialist encountered descriptions like,
por ejemplo, "cuando lo veo jugar con los niños", "cuando lo veo tocar un instrumento",
when I see her passionate about something

Esther notes: "It is never when they look deeply into each other's eyes. It is always when
Come to the other with some distance, doing something for which they do not have to take responsibility.

It is when there is a space in which this person so familiar, that is the partner,
again seems a bit more unfamiliar. It is in that mysterious space where
There is attraction. That is the erotic space of desire." Eroticism and domesticity

For Esther Perel, passion and eroticism share a common characteristic: that of evoking
from everyday life and to enter a more transcendent and more mysterious universe.
It's a universe where you feel elevated and you feel alive,
while passion tends to disappear over time or at least come and go, the
eroticism, on the other hand, has a greater chance of lasting.
When you live in a state of passion, you live in a state where you are willing to
transgress the rules of the everyday, of practical life to enter another reality. I
I prefer to talk about eroticism because passion is something quite extreme and intense and no one
can live in a continuous state of passion. Committed couples do not live in
"that state of permanent infatuation," asserts the author of "Erotic Intelligence."

What those couples can achieve is reserving spaces to revive eroticism,

establishing a clear boundary between the scope of responsibilities and the
obligations and enjoyment. That is, according to Esther Perel, the best way to reconcile.
domesticity and eroticism. 'Domesticity is the life of the house, it is a life of
responsibility and eroticism is a life of pleasure. We need a boundary between
those two worlds, because desire is wanting and one cannot want something that one is
thank you. If you go out to eat with your partner, don't talk about the children. Create an erotic space

It's not just about creating a space to have sex. It's about creating a space to be together.
and enjoy like two adults in a playful world and not one of responsibility. Then to
Sometimes you have to close the bedroom door, lock it, and leave the house if necessary.
and enter a universe of fantasies together," he explains.

In that sense, the psychotherapist particularly insists on the necessity of maintaining

certain mystery within the couple. "For me, erotic elements do not only have to
see with that necessary distance, but also with maintaining the playful aspect, the
curiosity about the other person and introducing novelty, because desire dies with it
the repetition. Today people want to know each other completely and then complain that they do not.

There is mystery. But I believe that we never completely know the person who is
to the side ours. So the mystery is.

In the same way, it assures that many times couples believe they have lost it.
that she calls "erotic energy", when in reality it has simply been channeled
On the other hand. "Many times, when they have children, people say now that there are
Children, sex is not the same anymore, and I tell them let's not talk about sex but about energy.
erotic. And the erotic energy is there, but redirected towards the children. With them, one plays, one ...

try to do new things, they become affectionate and greet the partner with a kiss of
bird. Eroticism does not go away, people know very well what to do to feel with
vitality and exuberance. It is something they achieve at work, with the children, but not with the
couple. Today more than ever we need to recover a bit of that erotic energy within.
from marriage, because the family survives only if the couple is happy," he concludes.

Although it has not arrived in Chile, the book 'Erotic Intelligence' can be requested from the publisher.

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