Queer

Waters
A transformational guide on how to embody your queerness,
by deconstructing cis-hetero supremacy and internalized transphobia,
integrating the shame of liking what you like and the fear of being seen liking it,
and bridging the gap between ourselves and other queer people.

BY
PONK RUCK

YOUTUBE
TIKTOK
INSTAGRAM
@PONKRUCK
 END
SELF-
REJECTION
FOREVER
 SUBCONSCIOUSLY
DEVALUING THE DETERMINING SELF
WAITING TO BE
TRANS EXPERIENCE WORTH BASED ON
CHOSEN BY CIS
— DEVALUING YOUR ABILITY TO PERFORM
PEOPLE OR CIS
EXPERIENCE CISSEXUALITY
CULTURE

INTERNALIZED
TRANSPHOBIA

DESIRE TO BE WAITING FOR

PERFORMING UNDERSTOOD BY CIS ACCEPTANCE
GENDER INSTEAD OF PEOPLE OR CIS INSTEAD OF
EMBODYING GENDER CULTURE TO FEEL ACCEPTING
VALID YOURSELF
THE ONLY GENDER I CAN DO WELL IS MY GENDER. THE GENDER OF PONK RUCK. ITS CONFIDENT. ITS NOT.
ITS COHESIVE. ITS NOT. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY... ITS MINE.
IT’S LONG ACRYLICS ON MY RIGHT HAND AND I KEEP MY LEFT HAND SHORT. IT’S A TRUCKER HAT WITH
STUDS ON IT. IT’S PAINTING MY TOENAILS TO 2015 MILEY CYRUS. IT’S SUNGLASSES INDOORS BECAUSE
I’M MINDING MY BUSINESS.
MY GENDER IS UNREADABLE.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE TRULY BEING YOURSELF — YOU BECOME UNREADABLE.
ANY PROJECTION SENT YOUR WAY, QUICKLY REVEALS MORE ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON THAN IT DOES
ABOUT YOU.

NERVOUS SYSTEM REGULATION BREEDS A KIND OF CONFIDENCE THAT YOU DON’T JUST STICK ON LIKE A
STICKER.
THE KIND THAT DOESN’T RUB OFF AFTER A NIGHT OUT.
THE KIND THAT SITS DEEP WITHIN YOUR ROOT AND HOLDS A MIDDLE FINGER UP TO THE WORLD SAYING
FUCK. HOW. YOU. SEE. ME.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW I SEE MYSELF?

THERE’S NO PALATABLE WAY TO BE QUEER.

IT STANDS IN DARK CONTRAST TO WHAT MANY PEOPLE FIND COMFORTABLE
INCLUDING OTHER QUEER PEOPLE
CLOSETED
DL
OR HURT QUEER PEOPLE.

THE BIGGEST ISSUES IN THE QUEER COMMUNITY

INFIGHTING
COMPARISON
COMPETITION
ARE ALL DUE TO ONE THING

WE ARE TRAUMATIZED.

WE ARE NOT IN OUR BODIES

AND WE ARE TRYING TO FIX IT WITH MORE
STIMULATION
INFORMATION
AND RULES.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

I’LL FEEL SAFE ONCE I UNDERSTAND HOW TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF
I CAN CHILL AFTER I FIGURE IT ALL OUT
I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE TELLS ME MY EXPERIENCE IS VALID.

THIS BOOK IS FOR THE SOUL THAT IS READY TO STOP REFERENCING THE BEATEN PATH
AND START PAVING A NEW ONE
A SCARY AND A VERY

VERY EXCITING ONE

WELCOME TO QUEER WATERS

 NERVOUS
SYSTEM
REGULATION
When you are navigating a queer experience, you will many times be alone in your navigation. This does not
mean there won’t be friends, partners, community, or media that reflect back to you who you are. It simply
means that when you inhabit your unique presentation or experience of gender, the only person who can
speak most accurately to that experience is… you.

Which is pretty sweet.

But here is where things might be difficult.

The truth is many of us have not been taught to trust our own inner experience. We have no idea how to
prioritize and cherish what we feel, and what we think.

We look externally to feel secure, connected, safe, seen. And in a world where so many — perhaps even you
— are living in survival mode, it’s not always the most accommodating place for us to be vulnerable. And so,
when you see a person online speaking from a place of hurt, it can be easy to internalize that and claim that
story as your own too.

Politics.
Think pieces.
Strangers’ opinions.
All have the potential to distract us from our inherent worth as human beings.
Our inherent worth as trans and genderqueer people.

I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to feel so heavy all the time.

My story consists of highs and lows and a shit ton of experimentation. I transitioned to a boy when I was
13, went on puberty blockers and eventually started T. On top of the gender dysphoria and mental health
struggles, I chronically felt that I did not belong. Even though I was doing all the right things. I didn’t vibe
with other queer people because I was too preoccupied with being a straight cis boy. I BARELY kept up
with the cishet boys, but I managed to participate in boys’ sleepovers, fumble their confusing humour, talk
down on women and exist as a performance of a man. Long story short, existing sucked. That was high
school.

A few years into university, I discovered a trans community that loosened me up a little. I met trans girls,
non-binary people, and other trans guys who weren’t so binary like I was at the time. I finally saw the
potential to be more than just a cishet boy.

Over the past decade, queerness has radically evolved with more of us feeling less pressure to exist
within one binary or the other. Even trans people who do strongly resonate with the binary can gain solace
from a genderqueer and non-binary perspective. At the end of the day, we all exist in the margins, where
the lines are not clearly defined and outdated stories are always being rewritten… by us!

I thought I would always be a binary trans man, so it came as a shock to my system when I emerged
into genderfluidity. It threw me into a complete restructuring of how I perceive myself. Internally, I was
fighting a part of me that used masculinity as a measure of self-worth. My desire to present femininely
clashed completely with my idea of safety and security. This is the turning point where I realized I was
actually performing my gender.
 EMBODY
GENDER,
DON’T JUST
PERFORM IT
Yes.

I felt like a boy.

But I was also trying hard NOT to be feminine.

Because I believed masculinity is more worthy than femininity (hello Internalized Femme-phobia and
Misogyny — which is something every queer person should work towards releasing! but that’s a whole
‘nother book in and of itself).

I was saying NO to emotions, experiences, actions, and clothes that suggested femininity. I kept myself in a
cage and wondered why I never got what I wanted.

This is what internalized cis-hetero-normativity does to the trans* mind. It limits expression to a set of
clearly defined roles and expectations.

Cis-hetero-normativity is designed to uphold isolated nuclear families, gender-specific insecurities,

gender-based violence, capitalism, and so much more. What it does on the small scale is make us very
afraid, very ashamed, and very nervous about ourselves and about others. And how we measure up to
others. And what we are really worth… if anything at all.

Here’s the thing...

We often use the external to hold ourselves against ourselves.

When I say external, I am referring to other people, circumstances, dominant discourse, popular media, or
personal experiences (whether they are your experiences or another’s). Things you see or hear on the news,
online, or in conversation with friends. Anything outside of you.

Dominant external narratives boil down into statements that we may internalize, such as:

“People like me are never successful”

“People like me are never happy, just look at the statistics”
“I can’t be me. Others hate people like me”
“People like me... we just don’t deserve to get what we want”

This self-rejecting inner monologue is ingrained in us from the moment we are born, or from the moment
we are shamed by others for being ourselves. It creates a constant loop of bracing ourselves for impact
whenever we are simply BEING. It manifests as checking your reflection in the mirror before engaging with
others. Or rereading a text a million times to make sure you came across right. Or reliving the same
awkward conversation over and over in your mind, trying to decipher what it all meant.

When you do this, you are looking for stability and security in a landscape that is constantly shifting.

And in a world where things will only continue to change faster, we must build the habit of turning
inward for a sense of okayness.
COME HOME,
BABE
What does it mean to turn inward for a sense of okayness?

It means that when you don’t feel like yourself AT ALL . . .

You run a salt bath*

You brush your hair
You allow yourself to curl up in a ball and cry
You don’t default to self-punishment and self-rejection ON TOP of everything that your little heart is
going through.
You give yourself space to breathe
You take a beat
You dance
You think in your favour
You’re right there in your corner, fighting for YOU

This is critical. Fighting FOR yourself in your corner IS nervous system regulation.

I can’t wait to be moving through this with you in the Queer Waters Ritual.

When triggers come up,

The key is to coax yourself back home.

Slowly and gently like you’re talking to a wounded kitty on the side of the road.

It has to be slow and gentle because for years and decades, you have been running from yourself.
From your body
From your emotions
From your experience.

When you are rebuilding trust with a nervous system that you have spent your whole life ignoring,
It needs gentleness.

Some gentle ways to come back home include:

🖤 keeping small promises to yourself
🖤 following through
🖤 expressing yourself (to yourself or to a trusted person)
🖤 showing up for your needs, even shittily or through gritted teeth
🖤 engaging the senses
🖤 doing whatever works

*bathing with salt is energizing, very good for many bodily functions, and hot water is great as well
To clarify,

Turning inward does not mean self-isolating (although it can mean taking time to be in solitude).

Turning inward also means turning to people you trust.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others.
This is called co-regulation.

Because being with others, as we feel, as we experience, is critical to healing. Especially for trans and
genderqueer people.

When we are hurt in community, we must also heal in community.

Think back to the first community you were part of — your family. For many people, family was not — and
still is not— a place where we feel safe, seen, secure, or connected. For many of us, it is quite the opposite.
Family members may have been the first people to reject you for being trans*. Or maybe your family was
cool, but the world at large... was not. Or maybe the people who hurt you were other trans and genderqueer
people. And now you question if you even want to be in queer spaces at all...

Now as an adult you continue this pattern or self-rejecting.

So much so, that it’s practically a default reaction.

You immediately default to thinking you are

🖤 Unlikable
🖤 Unworthy (NOT CIS ENOUGH = NOT GOOD ENOUGH)
🖤 Ugly (NOT CIS = UGLY)
🖤 Wrong (Did you know that at 13 my therapist diagnosed me with gender identity disorder?! CRAZY)
🖤 Two-faced (this comes from the propaganda that trans people are “hiding” something if they pass well)

This manifests as:

🖤 Missing opportunities because you don’t think they’ll pick you
🖤 Not shooting your shot with a person because why would they want you
🖤 Opting out of hangouts with lots of cis people (I do this willingly when I need space, but it still sucks)
AND MORE

Either way,
Queer community is critical for queer healing.

Learning to be with, learn from, and witness other queer people is the bread and butter of life.
And yet, navigating queer community can be challenging.

Here’s why
Let’s start with the obvious...

As queer people we have to do a lot ourselves because mainstream systems do not have the intention or
capacity to support us.

As queer people we
Mentor each other.
Uplift each other.
Share resources with each other.
Are there for each other.
Because we want the best for one another.

And it’s hard to always be there for others when we have our own lives to deal with too.
Our own desires and very human emotions that come up in these interpersonal connections.

Many queer people have turbulent friendship and relationship histories because there is just so much
capacity that we are automatically expected to have... for ourselves and for each other and for the world.
Many on-and-off friendships.
Many friendships we keep out of security.
There are certainly more hurdles for queer people.
We are waltzing a more intricate dance.

However,

It can be made easier.

It becomes easier when you stop needing to brace for impact

Brace for judgement.
Brace for competition.
Brace for comparison.
Brace for explanation.
Brace for overcompensation.

You are clear about who you are and you don’t need to prove it.
You exude a quiet confidence that sits so naturally on you.

You get to this place when you value YOUR queer experience.
NOT somebody else’s queer experience and expression.
YOURS.

You stop pedestalizing queer people who seem “more together” or “more knowledgable”.
They are not knowledgable about your experience!

You stop needing other queer people to “approve” of your identity or expression.
Instead, you give yourself the permission slip in everything.

You don’t need to match anybody’s energy because you come with your own.
You come into this bolder version of yourself by reclaiming YOUR story.
YOUR expression.
YOUR way of being.

You might be reading this and you know what your full expression looks like — or could look like. Or you
might be reading this and have no idea. Due to trauma or past experiences, you may have been numbed
out of seeing it as an option.

We may have very real reasons to restrict our queer expression. But often times we restrict our
expression EVERYWHERE. Even at home, even in the shower, and especially in our minds and in our
imaginations.

When self-suppression is associated with safety, self-expression will feel threatening.

To get to the root of this association, reflecting on this question may help:

What (positive/negative/neutral) things do you receive in exchange for limiting and restricting your
trans/genderqueer expression?

Take a second to sit with this.

Not trying to heal anything here, just observing what comes up:

How are you limiting your trans/genderqueer expression?

How are you forcing and not flowing in your trans/genderqueer expression?

As you are writing your responses, notice how it is when you view yourself from a cis-het perspective
versus a trans/genderqueer perspective. One is nicer than the other isn’t it?

When we release the burden of perceiving ourselves through a cis-het lens, we free ourselves
tenfold.

If there were no cis-het people on earth, what would you want to express? How would you take
up space?

GO BIG HERE!

In allowing yourself to imagine, you are taking up space in a way that will only continue to grow.
The capacity to hold your ambiguity and fluidity as a genderqueer person will expand.

Holding — as in not defining. Not trying to change or to fix or to make it a way that it isn’t in this current
moment.

And with that I am so excited to invite you to experience the Queer Waters Ritual.

A ritual for genderqueer people to release self-rejection forever.

QUEER
WATERS
RITUAL
 REBUILD YOUR
NERVOUS SYSTEM
EMOTIONAL
REGULATION
TO END SELF- FOUNDATION FROM
THROUGH A TRANS-
REJECTION FOREVER THE GROUND UP
INFORMED
USING NERVOUS
APPROACH
SYSTEM REGULATION

WHAT IS THE
QUEER WATERS
RITUAL
DESIGNED FOR?

STRENGTHEN YOUR
RELATIONSHIP TO EXPERIENCE CO- EMBODY GENDER
YOUR OWN REGULATION EXPRESSION — NOT
DIVINITY THROUGH THROUGH GENDER
INNER CHILD AND COMMUNITY CALLS PERFORMANCE
ALTAR WORK
 REGULAR
3 MONTHS TO
COMMUNITY CALLS
45 VIDEO LESSONS COMPLETE IT IN
FOR HEALING AND
COMMUNITY
FEEDBACK

WHAT DOES THE

QUEER WATERS
RITUAL LOOK
LIKE?

DAILY REFLECTION
A DEEP IMMERSION
QUESTIONS AND RELEASE YOUR
INTO YOUR OWN
MEDITATIONS SELF-REJECTION
NERVOUS SYSTEM’S
DESIGNED FOR STORY
HIGHS AND LOWS
SOMATIC RELEASE
 QUEER WATERS COURSE SCHEDULE

45-day ritual for genderqueer people to

end self-rejection forever

PHASE 1: SEEDING
uncovering hidden queer desires
getting to the root of your self-rejection and shame story
expanding the nervous system’s capacity to hold more emotion

PHASE 2: NURTURING
introduction to the divine presence
altar work for inner child healing
sanctuary within the self

PHASE 3: GROUNDING
deconstructing internalized transphobia and cis-supremacy
quiet confidence
rewriting your genderqueer story

PHASE 4: SPROUTING
exploiting your unfair advantage
limitations become your style
from force to flow

PHASE 5: EXPANDING
resting in your new depth
This work of processing internalized transphobia and internalized cis supremacy is invaluable work.

It will set the foundation for the future of queer people who know that they are
Loved
Needed
Seen
Cherished
And deeply nourished in this world.

Just by reading this, you are planting seeds in your mind of queer liberation.
I know you are tired of looking to the future and only seeing something bleak for our people.

The better we are able to understand and deeply sit with the trauma we’ve had to endure,
The better we are able to understand our own triggers and our own sacred emotions,
The better we can navigate a diverse and ever-changing world.

If this work resonates with you, please keep in touch.

I will continue making videos on Youtube and TikTok and sharing posts on IG (@ponkruck)

I can’t wait to see you in class for the Queer Waters Ritual.

Lots of love

XOXO,
PONK RUCK