MUSICAL THEATRE GEEKS!

A Radio/Stage Play

By

Eric Coble
 MUSICAL THEATRE GEEKS!
By Eric Coble

RUDMAN
AND NOW AS PART OF OUR ANNIVERSARY SEASON, ANOTHER CLASSIC
MOMENT. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, WE INTRODUCED THE WORLD TO A
RADIO GAME SHOW WHICH WENT ON TO INSTANT NOTORIETY AND IS
STILL REQUESTED BY FANS TO THIS DAY. SO HERE, ONE MORE TIME,
IS THAT TOE-TAPPING, HEAD SCRATCHING BATTLE OF EPHEMERA --
YES, IT'S TIME TO PLAY "MUSICAL THEATRE GEEKS"! AND HERE'S
YOUR HOST, THE MASTER OF MINUTIAE, ALEX LUNT!

ALEX
THANK YOU, CLEVELAND. IT’S A DELIGHT TO BE BACK, AND LET'S
GET RIGHT TO IT. AS REGULAR LISTENERS ALREADY KNOW, OUR
CURRENT CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN A DEAD HEAT FOR 34
CONSECUTIVE PROGRAMS -- LET'S MEET THEM NOW AND SEE IF ONE
WILL FINALLY MUSICALLY MASTER THE OTHER! HAILING FROM EAST
LILYWHITE, RHODE ISLAND, THREE-TIME WORLD TRIVIAL PURSUIT
CHAMPION, WILOMENA DINK!

(WILOMENA ENTERS, APPLAUSE)

AND FROM CORNEAR, IOWA, FOUR TIME WINNER OF THE BERT LAHR
MEMORIAL RIB COOK-OFF, STUART PLOTZ!

(STUART ENTERS, APPLAUSE)

LET'S GET TO KNOW OUR CONTESTANTS A LITTLE BETTER BEFORE THE
BLOOD-LETTING BEGINS, SHALL WE? STUART, IT SAYS HERE YOUR
INTEREST IN MUSICAL THEATER BEGAN IN FIRST GRADE. HOW DID
THAT COME ABOUT?

STUART
WELL, LIKE MANY SIX-YEAR-OLDS, MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE
THEATER BEGAN WHEN I WAS CAST IN THE SCHOOL PLAY. MRS.
VANDEGRIFT WAS OUR DIRECTOR. BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT WOMAN. A
VISIONARY.

ALEX
WHAT PLAY WAS THAT?

STUART
"CABARET".

ALEX
"CABARET" WITH FIRST GRADERS? SHE REALLY WAS A VISIONARY.

STUART
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY M.C.. I STILL HAD THE LISP THEN,
WHICH MRS. VANDEGRIFT SAID ADDED INCREDIBLE POIGNANCY.

ALEX
I CAN IMAGINE. WILOMENA, YOU...
 2.

STUART
MIGHT I ADD THAT MRS. VANDEGRIFT'S PRODUCTION WAS MUCH, MUCH
DARKER THAN THE RECENT BROADWAY REVIVAL.

ALEX
REALLY? WHAT AN INTERESTING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL THAT MUST HAVE
BEEN.

STUART
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER PRODUCTION OF "EQUUS".

ALEX
WILOMENA, YOUR DEVOTION TO MUSICAL THEATER BEGAN...

WILOMENA
NOT TO BRAG, BUT I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FOOTLIGHTS AT A
MUCH, MUCH YOUNGER AGE THAN STUART HERE. BY FIRST GRADE I
WAS ALREADY WELL VERSED IN THE MYTHOS OF MUSICALS.

ALEX
AND IT BEGAN...

WILOMENA
THE ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING OF "ARMS AND THE GIRL" WITH
NANETTE FABRAY. I FOUND MY MOTHER'S LP AND... WELL, THE REST
IS HISTORY. I WORE OUT THE GROOVES LISTENING AGAIN AND AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND...

ALEX
I'M SURE YOUR FAMILY ENJOYED THAT AS WELL.

WILOMENA
I DON'T KNOW REALLY. THEY MOVED WHILE I WAS AT SUMMER CAMP
ONE YEAR. MUSICAL THEATER CAMP IN CONNECTICUT, WE PRODUCED
"PAL JOEY"...

ALEX
WAIT, YOUR FAMILY MOVED AWAY WITHOUT YOU?

WILOMENA
NO FORWARDING ADDRESS.

ALEX
HOW... SAD.

WILOMENA
NOT REALLY. THEY LEFT ME THE PHONOGRAPH AND THE STACK OF
SHOW TUNES.

(PAUSE)

ALEX
WELL. LET'S GET RIGHT TO OUR CONTEST. SHALL WE?
(MORE)
 3.

RUDMAN (cont'd)
AS I SAID EARLIER, YOU TWO HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN A DEAD TIE FOR
THE LAST 34 SHOWS. THE FIRST TO GET THREE RIGHT ANSWERS
TONIGHT WILL BE OUR GRAND CHAMPION. ARE YOU READY?

STUART
OH, YES.

WILOMENA
CERTAINLY.

ALEX
OUR FIRST QUESTION. IN THE 1941 PRODUCTION OF "BANJO EYES"
WITH EDDIE CANTOR... WHO WAS THE COSTUME DESIGNER?

(STUART BUZZES A SPLIT-SECOND BEFORE

WILOMENA)
STUART?

STUART
LYDIA McTINGLE.

ALEX
RIGHT YOU ARE. ONE POINT FOR STUART.

WILOMENA
I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE QUESTIONS WERE GOING TO BE HARD THIS
TIME.

ALEX
KEEP YOUR HAT ON, WILOMENA. NEXT QUESTION. 1951. "THE KING
AND I". WHAT WAS...

(WILOMENA BUZZES)
WILOMENA?

WILOMENA
"WHO WAS GERTRUDE LAWRENCE?"

ALEX
NO. PLEASE LET ME FINISH THE...

(BUZZ)
WHAT, STUART?

STUART (CONT’D) (cont’d)

"WHAT IS A WALTZ?"

ALEX
NO. NOW IF I MAY JUST...

(BUZZ)
 4.

WILOMENA
"WHERE IS SIAM?"

ALEX
NO!

STUART (cont’d)
"WHAT IS BALDNESS?"

ALEX
NO! THIS IS NOT "JEOPARDY", WILL YOU PLEASE...

WILOMENA
"WHAT IS COLONIALISM?"

STUART (cont’d)
"WHAT IS POLYGAMY?"

ALEX
NO! NO NO NO!! LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION!!

(PAUSE)
WHAT SONG WAS "GETTING TO KNOW YOU" WRITTEN TO REPLACE?

(STUART BUZZES A SPLIT SECOND BEFORE

WILOMENA)
STUART?

STUART
I BELIEVE... "GETTING TO KNOW YOU" WAS WRITTEN TO REPLACE
"MY, WHAT A LOAD OF CHILDREN."

WILOMENA
I KNEW THAT.

ALEX
I'M SURE YOU DO. HOWEVER, STUART TAKES THE LEAD. ONE MORE
RIGHT ANSWER AND HE'LL HAVE THE CHAMPIONSHIP. FINALLY. NOW
IT'S TIME FOR THE "NAME THAT TUNE" PORTION OF THE SHOW.
PLEASE BUZZ IN THE MOMENT YOU RECOGNIZE THIS TUNE FROM A
1940'S FILM.

(THE FIRST NOTE OF "IT MIGHT AS WELL BE

SPRING" FROM "STATE FAIR" PLAYS)

(BUZZ. IT'S WILOMENA.)

ALEX
WILOMENA?

WILOMENA
"IT MIGHT AS WELL BE SPRING". FROM "STATE FAIR". 1945.
 5.

ALEX
(STARING DUMBFOUNDED FOR A
MOMENT, THEN...)
...RIGHT YOU ARE. ONE POINT FOR WILOMENA. OKAY. IN 1975,
"CHORUS LINE" OPENED. THE SONG "DANCE TEN, LOOKS THREE" WAS
PERFORMED BY DONNA MCKECHNIE. WHO WAS ORIGINALLY SLATED TO
SING THE PART?

(STUART BUZZES ANXIOUSLY, WILOMENA

PANICKING)
STUART?

STUART (cont’d)
(NERVOUSLY)
UM... ETHEL MERMAN?

ALEX AND WILOMENA

ETHEL MERMAN??

WILOMENA (CONT)
ETHEL MERMAN WAS 63 WHEN THAT OPENED! YOU THINK SHE WOULD
HAVE BEEN HOOFING IT AROUND UP THERE IN TIGHTS AT 63?
BESIDES, SHE WAS IN HER 14TH TOUR OF "GYPSY" AT THAT POINT...

STUART
YOU HAVE A BETTER ANSWER?

WILOMENA
GWEN VERDON.

ALEX
GWEN VERDON! CORRECT!

STUART
OH, OF COURSE! BUT SHE COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE SHE WAS STILL-

WILOMENA AND STUART

-PERFORMING IN "CHICAGO".

ALEX
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

STUART
DOES THAT COUNT FOR EXTRA CREDIT?

ALEX
NO. WILOMENA TWO. STUART TWO. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY ANOTHER SHOW TUNE. WHOEVER NAMES IT
FIRST WILL BE OUR GRAND PRIZE WINNER. ARE YOU READY?

STUART (cont’d)
OH, YES.
 6.

WILOMENA
CERTAINLY.

ALEX
NAME THE TUNE AND SHOW TITLE OF THIS HIT FROM THE 1980'S...

("MEMORY" FROM "CATS" BEGINS PLAYING.

WILOMENA AND STUART LOOK STUMPED FOR
THE FIRST TIME -- THINKING HARD --
BETTY BUCKLEY SINGING AWAY -- WILOMENA
ALMOST BUZZES... THEN STOPS HERSELF --
STUART IS CONTORTING, ABOUT TO IMPLODE,
THINKING SO HARD -- ALEX LOOKS
IMPATIENTLY AT THEM -- THEY ARE BOTH SO
CLOSE TO ANSWERING, BUT NOT COMING UP
WITH IT...

AND THE SONG FADES OUT)

ALEX
WELL?

(PAUSE. THEN STUART TENTATIVELY BUZZES

IN)
STUART?

STUART (cont’d)
IS IT... "ASSASSINS"?

ALEX
NO. SORRY. WILOMENA? IT'S YOURS TO WIN...

(WILOMENA HANGS HER HEAD IN SHAME)

NOTHING?

(SHE SADLY SHAKES HER HEAD "NO")

"CATS". THAT WAS "MEMORY" FROM "CATS".

(BOTH HAVE HUGE REACTIONS TO THEIR

MISTAKE)

ALEX (CONT)
SO WE HAVE NO WINNER. GOD HELP US, THAT MEANS A 35TH ROUND.
WHICH MEANS WE ALL WILL SEE YOU ALL... AGAIN... WHEN NEXT WE
PLAY... "MUSICAL THEATRE GEEKS"!

(APPLAUSE)