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 Copyright

Copyright © 2017 by Erin MacPherson and Ellen Schuknecht

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 Contents

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication

INTRODUCTION: Discipline That Disciples (Ellen)

CHAPTER 1: Six Quick Tips to Get the Most Out of This Book
CHAPTER 2: The Hot Cheerleader Incident (Erin)
CHAPTER 3: The Fruit of the Spirit Is… Self-Control (Erin)
CHAPTER 4: Perfect Love Is Better Than Perfection (Ellen)
CHAPTER 5: Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart (Erin)
CHAPTER 6: Drifting Apart (Ellen)
CHAPTER 7: When Shame Takes Over (Erin)
CHAPTER 8: Slow to Anger (Ellen)
CHAPTER 9: Finding a Place to Belong (Erin)
CHAPTER 10: A Friend in Need (Ellen)
CHAPTER 11: A Kind Word Turns Away Conflict (Erin)
CHAPTER 12: Free to Be Modest (Ellen)
CHAPTER 13: Busting Up Bullying (Erin)
CHAPTER 14: Flee from Sexual Immorality (Ellen)
CHAPTER 15: Fear Not (Erin)
CHAPTER 16: A Lukewarm Faith (Ellen)

Letter to the Reader

Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Newsletters
 For my three kids:

Joey, Kate, and Will

—Erin

For my precious grandchildren:

Joey, Kate, Jude, Haddassah,

Greta, Will, Isaac, Asa,

Elsie, Alma, and Bethlehem

—Ellen
 INTRODUCTION

Discipline That Disciples

(ELLEN)

I HAVE ELEVEN GRANDCHILDREN, all under the age of ten.

Joey, the oldest, is passionate and curious. Kate is kind and
generous. Jude is analytical and pensive. Haddie is outgoing and
creative. Greta is witty and engaging. Will is exuberant and
courageous. Isaac is brave and hilarious. Asa is compassionate and
assertive. Elsie is meticulous and loving. Alma is determined and
friendly. And Beth Ellen is joyful and tender.
I could go on and on about each of them for pages… but it’s clear
in just one paragraph: Each of my grandkids was given a unique,
God-given personality. Each of them has incredible strengths—
character traits that I pray God will use to truly impact his kingdom.
And each of them has some weaknesses—attributes that they must
learn to control and overcome if they want to grow into healthy,
productive adults.
Yes, each one is different, from the top of their red-or brown-or
blond-haired heads to the tips of their sparkle-boot-or soccer-shoe-
clad toes. And I know that God created your kids uniquely
wonderful, too, each with a special purpose, special plan, and special
gifts to boot. Yet, while I think every one of us recognizes these
innate differences in our kids, when it comes to discipline, so many
of us try to fit our kids into a prescribed plan.
I’ll just come out and say it: That doesn’t make sense.
I’ve come to believe that many of the parenting experts got it
wrong. I’m not saying that their ideas and tools are wrong—I often
refer to my tall stack of parenting books when it comes to discipline
—but so many of the common parenting books and touted parenting
methods lack one thing: They forget about discipleship. They tell you
how to demand obedience and honesty and good behavior but don’t
cover how to teach our kids to truly desire right and how to show
them the love that God so readily (and mercifully) pours out on us.
Erin and I want to change that.
We’re not telling you to throw out all of your discipline books.
We’re asking you to consider the idea that maybe discipline is a bit
bigger than what you’ve thought it was. While it may take a bit more
work, by focusing on discipleship and heart connection, you can
create a lasting bond with your kids that runs deep—and helps your
kids to truly see Jesus’s love in a tangible way. Maybe when your
kids mess up, it is a chance for their hearts to be refined by God and
moved toward Him.
Before we get to the good stuff—we’re going to take you through
several real discipline scenarios from real parents—I thought it would
be a good idea to lay a foundation for this type of discipline. If I’m
being honest, this type of discipline (or shall I say nondiscipline) is
much harder than any discipline you have ever tried before. Why?
Because it requires you to carefully consider a variety of factors and
pillars instead of simply following a simple 1-2-3 process or doling
out a specific punishment to fit the crime. It’s hard, yes, but it will
also pay big dividends as your child grows. A little hard work now for
huge rewards later seems worth it, right?
Therefore, I want to spend a bit of time talking about what I
consider to be the four pillars to this book: discipleship, not
discipline; desire, not obedience; connection, not control; and
growth, not assistance.

1. DISCIPLESHIP, NOT DISCIPLINE

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and
patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint
against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven
 you, so you also must forgive.
COLOSSIANS 3:12–13 (ESV)

I had just done the unthinkable: I told a woman to stop disciplining

her son.
I was speaking at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group and a
young mom—we’ll call her Susanna—raised her hand and told the
story of her four-year-old son, James. James was really pushing his
limits. He was running through her house, throwing balls at
windows, smashing Lego towers built by his older brother, and then
screaming when anyone told him to stop.
She told me she was at a loss.
That the time-outs and spankings and lectures she’d tried—tricks
people had told her were sure to work—weren’t working with her
wild, strong-willed son.
That she didn’t know where to turn.
That she was worried there was something wrong with her
parenting and, worse, that there was something wrong with her son.
My heart broke for Susanna—and for the hundreds of other
moms who have sat in my office with similar stories—but I also felt a
glimmer of happiness as I heard her question. Because I know there
is hope for kids like James.
And it starts when their parents stop disciplining them.
It’s shocking, I know, but let me explain.
I am fully aware that if Susanna just stopped disciplining James,
their entire household would crumble into a big, sticky, Lego-strewn
mess. But I also know that the typical discipline strategies that all
parents talk about just don’t work for kids like James. Kids who
know what they want and know how to get it. Kids who need Jesus,
not a bunch of rules and boundaries.
Which is why our mind-set when it comes to discipline needs to
change: Instead of disciplining them to behave, we have to disciple
our kids’ hearts to want to behave! Our kids don’t need us to control
them, to break their will, to punish crimes, or to teach them to obey.
They need us to show their hearts what it means to follow Jesus
wholeheartedly.
And that comes from adding a whole lot of discipleship into our
discipline.
The truth is that our kids don’t need to be fixed—which is what
discipline often feels like. Instead, they need to be understood and
to be valued in the process of correction—which is what discipleship
is all about.
It means letting the Bible, rather than a surefire discipline
method, guide our conversations with our kids. It means being
nimble enough to give our kids justice, mercy, and grace when they
need it. And it means stopping to consider our kids’ hearts at every
turn before jumping in and inflicting another consequence.
Discipleship is the key to our kids’ hearts.
And it’s the key to stopping misbehavior as well.

2. DESIRE, NOT OBEDIENCE

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of
your heart.
PSALM 37:4 (ESV)

The most—let’s call them passionate—reactions that I’ve gotten to

our book Free to Parent have been around the concept of replacing
obedience with desire. And I get it. Parents have been conditioned
for years to look at obedience as the ultimate sign that our kids are
being raised right. Don’t get me wrong, obedience is important. In
the Bible, God calls each of us to obey his commandments in
multiple verses (e.g., Romans 1:5 and Hebrews 13:17), and in
Ephesians 6 children are instructed very clearly to obey their
parents. Plus, practically speaking, how are our kids going to learn to
obey teachers and bosses and even (gulp!) the law if they don’t
learn to obey their parents first?
I hear you, just as I’ve heard all of the other parents who have
brought this same argument to me. But I stand by my original
assertion: Obedience isn’t the answer to this problem. Instead, the
solution is to teach our kids to desire what’s right.
My husband has a ninety-pound Labradoodle named Rufus.
Please notice that I said my husband has a dog named Rufus. Rufus
is not mine and has never been mine, and in fact, if it were up to
me, Rufus would go live on a nice farm somewhere in Nova Scotia
where he could chase little Canadian prairie dogs to his heart’s
content and stop squirming his way under my table to nip at my
fingers while I eat. Suffice it to say, Rufus and I have a tempestuous
relationship. Partly because he’s big and drooly and can’t keep his
paws off my furniture, but mostly because he has an obedience
issue: He has absolutely no desire to follow our house rules unless it
results in a Milk-Bone.
Rufus has an excuse for this type of behavior: He is a dog.
You laugh, but in all honesty, I sometimes wonder if we are
raising our kids as if they were Labradoodles. “Come here, kid! I’ll
give you a cookie if you obey me the first time!” While this sort of
stick-and-carrot discipline can result in obedience—kids will do a lot
to avoid punishment or gain a reward—I believe it does little to
teach our kids to truly obey God in their hearts.
I think we need to rethink our definition of obedience. If our kids
only obey us in order to avoid a consequence or to gain a reward,
then are they really obeying? I don’t think so. Instead, our goal as
parents has to be to teach our kids to genuinely desire what is good,
true, and beautiful; what is right, honest, and virtuous; what is godly
and kind.
The truth is, obedience is simply not enough. When our end goal
is to help our kids truly desire God, concepts like “first-time
obedience” and even “consistent consequences” start to fall flat.
These concepts—while useful as parenting tools—can teach our kids
to have head knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. But
going far beyond that, our kids need to learn how to direct the
desires of their heart on a foundation of connected faith so they will
understand how to truly desire what is good and right and beautiful
and then reject what is evil.
There is a catch: Desire is much, much harder to teach our kids
than simple obedience. Even Rufus can learn to obey—when he
wants a treat. But teaching our kids to desire what is right is a
lifelong process, one that will certainly be fraught with ups and
downs, with failures and victories. But it is worth it: Because instead
of teaching your kids to follow rules, you’ll be giving them a glimpse
into what it means to seek God with their entire hearts.

3. CONNECTION, NOT CONTROL

But I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Be not like a horse or
a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit
and bridle, or it will not stay near you.
PSALM 32: 8–9 (ESV)

It’s so easy to try to control our kids.

Notice I didn’t say it’s so easy to control our kids—that’s
downright impossible—but it’s really easy to fall into the trap of
trying to control our kids’ thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so they
can turn out exactly how we want them to turn out.
I know I did that with my oldest daughter.
I grew up in a very difficult family—a place where control and
fear seemed to rule us and where a heart connection was hard to be
found. I remember when I won a spot at the district track meet in
the ninth grade. I desperately wanted my dad—who had never
attended a single one of my school events—to come see me run. I
brought home the flyer for the district meet and presented it to him
one night at dinner.
“Dad, would you like to come to my district track meet?” I held
up the flyer, staring at my dad’s eyes, hoping he would see my
desperation, my heart. “I’ll be running the 880.”
“Ellen.” His voice was gruff. “I just don’t have time. But maybe if
you are really helpful around the house and behave well I’ll be able
to find the time.”
 I smiled. I could be helpful. I could behave. And so I set about to
do the best I could. For two weeks, I volunteered to do dishes and
to watch over my brothers and sisters. I filed paperwork for my dad
at his office and did all of my homework without being asked. I was
polite and kind and behaved the best I could.
Yet on the day of the meet, my dad didn’t show up.
I was heartbroken.
Fast-forward twenty years to when I had my own kids who had
their own sports events and recitals and art shows. From day one, I
made it my vow to never let my kids feel the way I did at that track
meet. I was going to attend every single event they ever had. I was
going to cheer them on no matter what they did. I was going to be
involved in their every move. I was going to give them every
opportunity. I was never going to let fear of disappointment rule
them.
I was going to… control their every emotion.
I learned this when my own oldest daughter was in middle
school. She had a track meet on the same day as her sister’s swim
meet and I was desperately trying to figure out how I could drive
across town in seven minutes flat so I could watch Alisa’s hundred-
meter butterfly without missing Erin’s relay. And Erin stopped me.
“Mom, it’s fine. You can watch Alisa today and watch me next
time.”
“But then you’ll think I don’t care and that I don’t want to be part
of your track career and that I care more about Alisa than you…” I’m
sure I sounded desperate.
“We’ll talk about it later, Mom. I know you care. I can tell by what
you do every day.”
And there it was. I can’t control my kids’ schedules or outcomes.
I can’t control my kids’ behavior or thoughts. I can’t control whether
they finish their homework or chores or whether they love
gymnastics or music or football. But I can be there for them. And
connect with them on a deep level that shows that I care about
them in a way that goes beyond simply knowing what they do.
Because I can know their hearts.
4. GROWTH, NOT ASSISTANCE

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your

faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge
with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and
steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly
affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these
qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from
being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord
Jesus Christ.
2 PETER 1: 5–8 (ESV)

I probably don’t have to remind you, but you are an adult. You have
already navigated the lessons of childhood and you have moved on
to adulthood. You know how to manage your money. You have
learned about things like respect and friendship and compassion and
empathy. You have passed the fifth grade.
And that means that even if your kid is asking you for the tenth
time for twenty dollars for gas to fill up his car because he spent his
last dollar on chewing gum, or telling you how every girl in the entire
grade is being mean to her, you can’t solve these problems for your
kids. They have to figure it out for themselves.
Which is why as you read this book, you’ll find that we often
encourage parents to let their kids solve their own problems, to
come up with their own consequences, to work through their own
issues. This isn’t because we’re being mean or lazy or because we
don’t want to fork over twenty dollars, but simply because we know
that kids learn more when they are forced to grow.

PUTTING THE FOUR PILLARS INTO ACTION

I realize this chapter is very pie-in-the-sky—that I’ve just introduced

some major, heart-changing ideas and then given you very little
practical advice to help you understand how to implement them in
your life. And whether you’re saying, “Okay, I’m going to try this” or
“I’m not so sure yet,” I have a feeling that you are a bit confused on
what to do next. And how to make this work for your family.
Don’t worry.
We’re going to get there. For now, I wanted to give you a big
picture overview of what we’re going to be talking about as we
share real discipline stories with real parents in the coming chapters.
In the rest of this book, you’ll find real-life practical tips on how to
put these concepts into action as well as ideas on how these pillars
can help you to connect to your kids in a meaningful way.
So if you’re feeling confused, overwhelmed, unsure, or anything
else right now, hang with us.
 CHAPTER 1

Six Quick Tips to Get the Most Out of This

Book

WE’RE ALMOST TO THE GOOD PART. We promise!

But before we dive in, we wanted to give you a quick guide that
you can reference as you read to make sure you get the most out of
this book.
TIP #1: READ THE WHOLE BOOK THROUGH EVEN IF YOU THINK A
PARTICULAR SCENARIO DOESN’T APPLY TO YOU

If there is one thing I (Erin) have learned from those times when my
kids are embarrassingly, awkwardly, and mortifyingly misbehaving,
it’s this: You never know what parenting is going to throw at you. I
never expected my (usually) sweet nine-year-old girl to get into a
fists-out brawl with her little brother over a dog toy. I never
expected to get a call from the school that my child had stood on his
chair and danced during class. And I never expected my first grader
to come home from school using the F-word. I used to think that I
was exempt from these sorts of things because, well, I’m a good
Christian mom who takes my kids to church every Sunday and feeds
them organic carrots for lunch. I should be off the hook, right?
Wrong.
Big parenting issues happen in all of our kids’ lives, at different
times and in different places, but they happen to all of us. So we
chose scenarios for this book that we believe most parents will
stumble across at one point or another in their parenting years.
Whether you have toddlers or teenagers, we believe that many of
the concepts woven into these scenarios are universal. Kids of all
ages can be strong-willed, jealous, angry, impulsive, mean,
dishonest, and disrespectful. Kids of all ages can also understand big
concepts like redemption, love, kindness, honesty, loyalty, respect,
and forgiveness. And so while a particular scenario may not hit you
at your current parenting stage, we do believe that it could include a
few of the tools you need to truly connect with your kids.

TIP #2: TRY NOT TO JUDGE

It is very easy to judge other parents.

I think we all do it. I (Erin) remember attending a dance class
with my daughter and watching as another child consistently
interrupted the teacher. She was off doing her own pirouettes when
the other kids (my daughter included) were doing toe touches.
When the kids were doing pirouettes, this girl was doing
somersaults. I remember grumbling to myself that that girl’s parents
should probably keep better tabs on their daughter and that they
needed to show her some discipline.
Then, last week, I got a dose of my own medicine. I was at a
gymnastics class and another mom came up to me and said, “Your
son is disrupting the class for the other kids. Maybe you need to find
a way to get him under control.” I walked onto the gym floor and
sure enough, my son was being a total pain. I pulled him out of the
class and had him watch until he decided he could listen to the
teacher. That said, I felt a bit irritated at the other mom for
chastising me. How could she know what I have done to discipline
my son? Who is she to say I’m not “finding a way to keep him under
control”? Who is she to judge my parenting?
Then I remembered the dance class.
I had done the exact same thing. Okay, I hadn’t told the other
mom what to do, but I had thought about it. There’s a real
temptation to think, “That kid is really messing up” or “My kid would
never do that” or even “That kid is ruining this for all the other kids.”
That may or may not be true, but we have to remember something
else: We haven’t walked in another parent’s shoes. We don’t know
what’s going on in another kid’s life. And we certainly don’t know
how God is working in another kid’s heart.
So, as you read this, we encourage you to learn, to pray, and to
think but not to judge. Sure, your son may never look up hot
cheerleaders kissing football players on the iPad. (More on that in
the next chapter—it’s a doozy!) And your daughter may never run
crazy in dance class, ignoring what the teacher has to say. But every
kid has something—some place in their heart—where God has work
to do. Whether your kid’s rough spots are obvious or hidden, they
are there. And so I ask you to read with a heart that loves Jesus and
wants the best for each of his kids.

TIP #3: PAY ATTENTION TO THE MAJOR THEMES

If your kid looks up “hot girls” on the iPad, it’s about a whole lot
more than a simple iPad search. And if your kid lies about brushing
her teeth, it’s about a whole lot more than a hygiene issue. Every
little behavior your child exhibits has undercurrents that mean a
whole lot more. As you read these scenarios, we want you to pay
special attention to the bigger themes that come out of each
situation.
To make this easy, we’ve put the key words in boxes in each
section. As you have conversations with your kids, we encourage
you to look for undercurrents of these major themes in the words
your kids say and consider how they are affecting your kids’
behavior. This will help you to know where and how your kid is
struggling and how to springboard conversation.

TIP #4: USE THE THEMES AS FUTURE TALKING POINTS

I have had many, many great conversations with my son in the

weeks that followed the hot cheerleader incident. We’ve talked about
marriage and purity and kissing and relationships and even the
media’s influence on our culture. As you read these scenarios—
especially the ones that hit close to home with your own kids—I
encourage you to use those major themes as jumping-off points for
future conversations.
So, for example, if you face a situation where your child lies to
you, deal with that conversation in the moment. But in the weeks
following the incident, consider telling him a story about a time you
lied as a child. Or talk about a person in your life who has been
honest and how you can trust him. You can even talk about things
like politics and scandal and trust. As you have these conversations,
you don’t have to bring up the major issues from before; instead,
use them as tools to spark deeper understanding and connection
with your kids.
TIP #5: SHARE THIS BOOK WITH YOUR SPOUSE

We’re preaching to the choir when we tell you that effective

discipleship will come when you and your spouse approach your kids
as a united front. Share this with your husband or wife. Let them
know that this is what you are trying and allow them to share in the
joy of discipleship and connection.

TIP #6: PRAY OFTEN AND INTENTIONALLY

Again, we’re telling you things that you surely already know, but in
order for you to effectively and lovingly disciple your kids, you have
to allow yourself to be led by the One who knows your kids’ hearts
best.
I (Ellen) have kept a prayer journal for more than twenty years
now. In it, I record my daily prayers, as well as the many ways God
has answered those prayers. These journals have served as
encouragement for my kids (and for me!), as I can go back through
them and see the many powerful ways God moves through prayer.
As you start this discipleship process, we ask you to commit to
pray for your kids’ hearts on a daily basis. Pray specifically for the
areas that you hope to disciple in them and ask God for answers and
for true conversation that will lead them toward Him. If you can,
record these prayers so you can go back and see how God has
moved, and watch as miracles unfold.
 CHAPTER 2

The Hot Cheerleader Incident

(ERIN)

HOT CHEERLEADERS KISSING FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

The five words glaring up at me from my iPad search engine bar
felt like a punch in the gut.
I read them again.
A lump rose in my throat and my mind began to race. My ten-
year-old son and his friend Braden had been playing what I assumed
was Minecraft on the iPad in the living room while I made dinner.
And though I hadn’t been paying the best attention, I had assumed
that everything was fine. They were ten years old, for goodness’
sake. How much trouble could they get into on an iPad?
I had clearly assumed wrong.
I did what any mom would do at that moment: I started to cry.
Then my mind began to race. Obviously, my son was grounded from
technology, chocolate, and fun until he was twenty-six. And the iPad
would clearly need to go into the trash. And I would never be able to
trust my son around any screened device again for as long as he
lived in my house. And…
I stopped myself.
Because while my gut instinct as a mom was to get angry and
start doling out punishment, my heart screamed at me that there
had to be another way. A way of grace and truth and love and hope.
A way where my relationship with my son wouldn’t be sacrificed
even when his behavior needed to be dealt with in a serious way.
So I called my mom.
Now, before I go any further, I have to tell you a little bit about
my mom. She’s awesome. And not just your everyday awesome, but
she has worked with kids for more than forty years, as an educator,
a mom, and a grandma. Because of this, she seems to innately know
how our words can help our kids to truly grow closer to God. She
has said for years that discipline is so much more than obedience
and control and lectures and punishment. Instead, she tells parents
that only by replacing obedience with a desire for what is right,
control with a heartfelt connection, lectures with truth spoken in
love, and so-called discipline with discipleship can parents truly raise
kids who love God and others in a heartfelt way.
That’s a tall order and something that every parent struggles
with. But as I’ve implemented these principles, I have found that my
parenting has changed. And, more importantly, my kids’ hearts have
changed.
Anyway, back to hot cheerleaders kissing football players.
I told my mom what I had found on my iPad. Part of me expected
her to be ashamed or to lecture me about how I had to tighten up
my screen controls, but instead she said, “This is good, Erin.”
“Good? How can this be good? My ten-year-old and his friends
are searching for videos of hot cheerleaders on YouTube.”
“I know, Erin, and we’ll need to deal with this. But isn’t it good
that this happened now? Because now you have an opportunity to
truly speak to his heart, to walk through this with him when his mind
is still innocent and his heart is still willing. In our world, he’s going
to stumble across things like this, and whether he’s ten or twenty-
nine, it will affect him. Isn’t it good that it happened now when the
stakes are still low? When you can still guide him through it?”
She was right. I knew it. But how was I going to guide my son
through something like… that?
I stared at those five words on my screen, and a stream of big,
adult words with real-world consequences flooded through my mind.
Words like pornography, sex, purity, gender roles, addiction, respect,
and lust. How do you talk to a ten-year-old about big adult concepts
like these when they’ve hardly begun to scrape the surface of
knowing about the birds and the bees?
My mom gave me some ideas. Then she prayed with me.
 And I began the long trek up the stairs.
“Joey? Can I come in?” He was sitting at his desk working on
homework. He saw the iPad in my hands and his eyebrows rose. “I…
uh… found something on the iPad that really worries me.”
His eyes widened and he got up and plopped onto his bed. “I
know, Mom.”
“You do?”
He turned to me, wide-eyed, and his words gushed out. “Braden
and I were watching YouTube videos of football players and then
there was this video of cheerleaders and then we remembered some
of the older kids at school were saying that the cheerleaders were
hot and…” His voice trailed off and I bit my lip, resisting the urge to
lecture, to punish.
“And what?”
“And I don’t know, Mom. I mean, it can’t be bad to watch football
players play football because Daddy does it with me all the time.
And it can’t be bad to watch cheerleaders cheer because they always
cheer at football games. So when I saw that video, I figured it
couldn’t be bad to watch it because it’s just football players and
cheerleaders.…” His words drifted off again, and I could tell he
wasn’t sure what to say. So I waited.
“But, Mom…” he started again, his voice choked. “I felt a little sick
when I was watching it. I don’t know why but it didn’t feel right.”
And there it was: the perfect opportunity for me to disciple my
son.
I grabbed his hand and led him downstairs where I made cocoa.
We sat on the couch and talked for more than an hour about all of
those big words that felt so beyond his scope of understanding just
hours ago.
We talked about how watching videos of football players isn’t
necessarily bad and watching videos of cheerleaders isn’t necessarily
bad. But when the words hot and kissing entered the equation, a
whole lot of disrespect entered the equation. We talked about
honoring girls by not labeling them as hot. We talked about how
things like kissing are private and not something others should be
watching. We even talked about how videos like the one he saw—
which was fairly innocent as far as such videos go—often lead to
much more graphic videos. I even told him the basics of how
Internet pornography works—how a computer can record the videos
you see and then suggest others that can eventually lead you down
a path that you never wanted to go. We talked about lust and
marriage and God’s design for sex. The whole time I was silently
praying that God would speak through me, letting my words take
root in the heart of my precious son.
Joey just listened. He asked a few questions. We prayed. And he
went to bed.
But the next morning, he walked downstairs with an
announcement. “Mom, I’ve decided that I’m never using a computer
or iPad again. It’s just not worth the risk.” I had to chuckle—that had
been my initial thought when I saw that he had watched the video
too.
“That’s not logical, Joey. Computers and iPads are an important
part of our lives. I use mine to work. I write stories, check my e-
mail, test apps.”
He looked at me wide-eyed. “So how can I make sure that I
never see a video like that again? You told me that the iPad has
recorded that I watched it and it might… um, it might… show me
another one.”
“Great question, Joey. That’s why we have to put safeguards on
screens and the use of devices. To protect you from things like that.
What do you think we can do to protect you?”
He thought about it for a minute and then looked up at me. “I
know! We can require that when I’m using the iPad, someone else
has to be sitting with me—like an adult.”
“Would that make you feel more safe?”
“Yes, I think I’d like that.”
I had to walk out of the room at that point and do a little fist
pump. My son had inflicted a punishment on himself that was the
exact same punishment I would have doled out the night before: no
screen time unless an adult is with you. Only he did it to himself.
Willingly. Because he wanted to do it. Same end result, only now he
was feeling a true desire to do right, instead of a whole bunch of
anger at his mean old mom and dad.
This conversation and the many productive, heartfelt
conversations I had with my son in the weeks to follow have led me
to ask the question that I have wondered about for so long: What if
we are getting discipline wrong as parents?
What if a God-honoring, obedient heart doesn’t come from a
bunch of strict rules, clearly defined consequences, and stern
punishments? What if there’s more to parenting than following a
“good parent” formula, than saying the right things, than having the
right rules? What if in order for our kids to truly connect with God,
they must first truly connect with us, in a loving, honest, open, and
heartfelt way?
Those are the questions we are asking in this book.
We want to take you through those tough parenting moments—
those “hot cheerleaders kissing football players” incidents where you
feel your heart drop and you have no idea what to say. Because at
those moments, you have a choice to make: Are you going to
choose discipline, or are you going to choose discipleship?
We hope it’s the latter.
And we hope this book will help you get there.
 CHAPTER 3

The Fruit of the Spirit Is… Self-

Control
(ERIN)

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left

without walls.
PROVERBS 25:28 (ESV)

I PEEKED OUT THE DOOR while I was making dinner a few weeks ago
and saw five-year-old Will standing on top of the swing set. He stood
there proudly, holding a stick in one hand and a watering can in the
other, his chest puffed out, seemingly unaware that he was ten feet
above the ground and if he fell, well, I didn’t even want to think
about it.
My first instinct was to race out the door yelling at him to climb
down, but I realized that quick movements could make him fall—or
do something impulsive like jump. So I took a deep breath and
forced a smile. “Hey, buddy, looks like you are really high. I’m
worried that’s not safe. Can you please come down?”
“Hi, Mama! Don’t worry! I’m holding your watering can really
tight.”
Oh, perfect! As long as you don’t drop my three-year-old plastic
watering can, then we’re all good! Carry on! I mean, seriously, child?
I crept over to him and held up my hands. “Will, it’s very
important that you get down right now. I want you to drop the stick
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