Try Begging

(42)

Ellie, who had been playing on the sandy beach

all morning riding a pony and playing in the sand, dozed
off while eating lunch and soon fell asleep.

Listening to the harmony of the breathing of the

sleeping child and the sound of the waves in the cool
shade of the pavilion on the beach made my heart feel
incredibly calm. Grace leaned back on the sunbed and
looked at the sea in front of her.

It was calm here, but across the sea, there had been
turbulent waves for two months. There had been no
contact from the man in the meantime.

Grace, who was staring at the horizon as if

contemplating an invisible hell and the man, took out an
old diary from her bag and opened it. It was in a package
that had come under Campbell's name a week after the
news of his death.

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 It was sent as if it was something that came out
while organizing the man's belongings, but she had a
strong feeling that it wasn't sent for such a simple reason.

So when she opened the diaries one by one and

read them, she was so shocked.

[Jimmy is really kind. Bastard]

That man, he wrote Grace's diary without

permission.

There were parts where he wrote his impressions

as if he was meddling, and there were many parts of the
diary about Jimmy that he had erased or torn.

"This crazy guy is really....."

I felt ashamed that the man had looked into my

childish moments, but I laughed at the man's childish
behavior.

However, I couldn't laugh after reaching the end

of my diary. After the last diary I wrote before Winston's
infiltration, the man's diary continued for several years.

It was short, never exceeding three lines at a time.

As always, the writing was neat and tidy without any
unnecessary details.

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 Even his diary looked calm and perfect on the
outside, but between the lines, there was an anxious and
imperfect inside.

Grace read his diary again, which was full of

loneliness and suffering. Would she have felt a mean joy
a few years ago? Not anymore. It felt as if she had changed
just as much as the man.

She couldn't take her eyes off his last diary for a
long time.

You don't need Winston.

I thought it was just a resentment that she had

misunderstood and written to the man's mother.

That's why she refused to go with him. Was she

not coming back?

But the more she thought about it over the past two
months, the more uncomfortable it felt. There was no way
the man didn't understand what 'Winston' meant.

Grace's gaze lowered and rested on the diary that

followed.

When she was young, her father told her this.

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 Every human being is a chess piece to another
person. The only difference is whether they are a pawn
or a queen.

So you said you had to be at least a knight.

Then what were you to me?

After a brutal game of chess, I looked back and

realized. You were my queen.

I thought it meant the most powerful piece.

There was no place you couldn't go. How good

you were at running away.

Grace laughed every time she saw the reason that

followed.

But you're no longer a chess piece. You're

meaningless as a means to me, you're just an end.

I, who only judge people by their utility, wanted

you to have no value. You're the only one who doesn't
feel bad when you don't fit into the world I've
meticulously planned.

You're the exception to everything in my strict

life.

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 Then what was I to you?

Grace stared at his question and then looked up.

There was a long blank space between the two diaries the
man left behind. As if he was telling her to fill in her
answer.

You don't need Winston.

This wasn't a resentment. It was a question.

I know why you're doing this.

I have to run away. I have to survive. Grace, who

has been living under pressure and being chased, realized
this after quite some time had passed since she came here.

The past, the present, that man. Nothing chases me

anymore.

For the first time in my life, when I felt free, I

unconsciously immersed myself in thoughts that I
couldn’t before. I thought about myself and that man.

That’s how I realized it after being subjected to

that man’s trickery.

He wanted me to look into our relationship freely

without any pressure.

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 I didn’t want to let it go because I hated it, but it
was too late. Grace had already let it go and flowed to the
destination he wanted, and only then did she understand
his trickery.

She smiled and opened the cap of her fountain pen.

Grace briefly looked at the sleeping child next to her and
the calm sea, and calmly wrote down the answers she had
gained while thinking alone for the past two months in a
place where he was not present.

Life here without you is lacking in nothing. It

should be lacking in nothing, but it’s empty.

My body is comfortable, but my heart is not

comfortable. Because you’re not here. Funny enough,
you’re the only person I’m truly comfortable with.

In heaven, I yearn for a devil called you. It's

funny.

When I saw the words, "I am just an end to you,

meaningless as a means," I thought of the letter my mother
left me.

She told me to meet a man who would see me as

an end, not a means.

In fact, I laughed a little as soon as I thought of it.

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 I thought of you when my mother said that. If you
knew, you might faint.

You are far from the right answer that my mother

imagined, but you are not wrong.

I have unconsciously felt for quite some time that

you see me as an end, not a means. After the incident at
Blackburn, my role as your stepping stone for revenge and
advancement was over, so I have no use for you.

But even so, chasing me with all my might, if I

confess now, was actually good.

Looking back, I did something unbecoming of a

person who wants to get away from you. I read every
article about you without fail under the pretext of keeping
track of the enemy's movements, and I even had
conversations with you in my head all day long, thinking
of you even when you weren't there.

Do you remember? I was so busy running away

from Newport Harbor that I almost got caught while I was
busy trying to get you to do it.

Even when I felt relieved to see you willingly pick

up the hope or despair I threw out like bait and suffer, I
felt a sense of relief.

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 Funny? Should I tell you a funnier story?

I felt lonely when you didn't show any signs of

chasing me. To be honest, I would have been sad if you
had gotten tired of me and given up halfway.

I often called you crazy, but maybe I'm the one

who's really crazy. I'm confirming the value of my
existence from you, of all people.

Thinking back, I had that thought. From my family

to my comrades. Everything I've cherished my whole life
no longer wants me, but you, the one I've never cherished,
want me.

Why on earth? It was hard to understand.

I've lived a life where I have to prove my

usefulness to be loved. I've been suffering from anxiety
all my life that I might be abandoned when I become
useless. But it was shocking to me that you, who judge all
people by their usefulness, loved me, who was useless.

Actually, I was also afraid of Ellie's absolute love.

I was worried that Ellie might love me conditionally like
everyone else the day I betrayed her absolute trust.

It was only recently that I realized that while

thinking about that. The anxiety that had been tormenting

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me my whole life had disappeared without me even
realizing it.

Now that you're here.

No matter what happens, you will always love me

unconditionally.

You don't need Winston.

No, you don't. I don't need anything that has the

name Winston. I don't even need you.

But I want you.

You are no longer a means to me, but an end.

Then what was I to you?

You are a pawn.

The country only moves in one direction.

A pawn that reaches the end of the chessboard can

be anything. From now on, I will leave it up to you to
decide what you will be to me.

Waiting for the Devil in Heaven.

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 Grace.

P.S. Come back. Don’t make me say it twice. And

when you come, don’t forget my ring.

Grace sent the diary she had written the letter to

the man back across the sea.

On the same day, the monarchy collapsed across

the sea. The kingdom became a republic. The caste system
that had lasted for centuries was finally lost to the back
alleys of history.

A royalist noble achieved the revolution that the

so-called ‘revolutionary army’ led by commoners could
not achieve in a century even if they dreamed of it for a
century in two months.

Grace couldn’t help but laugh at the contradiction.

[I’m also preparing your gift. The one you’ve

been wishing for your whole life.]

A fool.

Did I ever really want a revolution? You know

everything, but you use my revenge as an excuse.

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 Come quickly. If you come right now, I'll spare
you one cheek.

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