How to Work With Shame Video 1

How to Work With the Inner Voice of Shame

Dr. Buczynski: How can we help clients escape the “burden of worthlessness”?

Some clients hold onto this deep sense of shame – a feeling that they’re just plain bad.

Dr. Richard Schwartz says that there’s often one part of themselves that’s keeping them in this negative space.

And it’s protecting them from something even worse.

Dr. Schwartz: Shame gets a bad name in psychotherapy.

“Shame gets a
bad name in For me, it’s a natural, human emotion. We’re born with the knowledge that
psychotherapy.” our lives depend on being accepted by our tribe. We’re mammals, and we’re
not going to survive without the help of a tribe or a family or community.

There’s a terror, then, that comes with being shamed – a survival terror, like if I am seen as a liability or I’ve
done something bad, the young parts of us fear for our survival.

To counter us from doing anything that might bring on that shame, we have what is commonly known as an
inner critic – who again, gets a bad name in our field. Generally, that inner critic is just desperately trying to
keep us from getting shamed by the outside world.

For people who have a lot of experience with shame, and with shame as a child in particular, that critic can
often take on the voice of the shaming parent. It’s desperate to get you to behave the way that a parent wanted
you to – all so that you don’t get more shame from that parent.

So, shame for me is that. It’s that critical voice that says, “You’re bad and if you do this other thing, you’re
going to be even worse.”

Then, there’s one of these exiled parts – a young, vulnerable part – that believes you’re bad, you’re worthless.
That message came from one of those parents and goes right to the heart of these young exiled parts, becoming
what I call the burden of worthlessness.

In that way, shame is a two-part phenomenon. There is a critic who says

you’re shit, and there’s this young part that believes it. Usually, there’s “In that way,
then yet another part whose job it is to get away from the shame, and shame is a two-
sometimes that will resort to extreme behaviors that can then actually part phenomenon.”
bring on more shame.

When they feel shame, a lot of clients will go get drunk, for example, or will act out sexually, or will do
something to get away from that initial feeling. – Or they will get enraged with somebody, because if I feel
rage, I’m powerful, and I’m not feeling so worthless and bad.

The part that does the rescue from the shame then brings on more shame from the outside world, which fuels
the critic. You get this viscous cycle going inside. That’s how I see shame.

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

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How to Work With Shame Video 1

Particularly, that critic is very maligned, but it’s just trying its best to keep you safe – either by shaming you
into behaving better, looking better, performing at a higher level; or by shaming you so you don’t take any
risks, so that you feel worthless to the point where you don’t go outside the house, or you don’t say anything
that might be risky with another person.

I recently did a consultation with a trauma survivor client, and we started out with the critic. That’s where I
often start, because if you don’t work with that part first, it’s going to sabotage everything – usually because
these critics can’t afford to let the client feel better. It’s very scary to them to have a client start to feel good
about themselves.

So, I would have her focus on the critic and have her find it in her body. Usually they’re in the head.

And I asked, “How do you feel toward it?”

And again, she was very intimidated by it, scared, and kind of believed it also.

“These critics are So we had to get the parts that were afraid of it and bought into what it said,
to just step out – which is again, how we do it. I would have her ask those
very prominent in
parts if they would give us some space so she could handle it. I’ll call her
people’s systems, Mary – so Mary could handle those critics with my help.
and they’re used
to having a lot of And that took a while, because there is so much. These critics are very
power.” prominent in people’s systems, and they’re used to having a lot of power,
and people are used to believing what they’re saying.

So, what we did – and I got her – “How do you feel now toward this critic?”

She’s curious about why it’s calling her names all the time.

In asking that question and then the follow up question – which is, “what’s it afraid would happen if it didn’t
do that inside?” – we learned about this very young part that was a little girl, who, when she was being sexually
abused, was trying to resist and was getting really angry.

This critic came in to keep her from showing any of that – because if she did, she would get more abuse.

As people witness that, they then have compassion for the critic and can
“When she was
extend that to it. It becomes a kind of hero, in a way. At least, when she
was that young, it needed to do that to save her life. Basically, in this case, that young, it
her life literally depended on that. needed to do that
to save her life.”
So, we can let that critic know all that.

Then, as we get permission to go to that little girl, there’s another part that comes in that’s really afraid to let
us do that. And as we ask questions about the fear, we learn that if we were to go to that girl, that would trigger
this self-harm that would come in and make her do things that she hadn’t done in a long time to her body.

And so, we had to go to there before we could go to the girl and get to know it and work with it and get its
permission.

Then, finally, we go to that girl and have her show the scenes of abuse, and then get her out of there. Then the
critic sees it doesn’t have to save her life anymore.

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

www.nicabm.com
How to Work With Shame Video 1

Another thing about these parts, especially these protective parts, is if you were to ask your critic — because
we’ve all got one — how old it thought you are, often the answer comes back in single digits.

These parts think we’re still five years old, and they still think we need their services in the way we did back
then.

Dr. Buczynski: That’s an interesting part of our critic’s design – how it often sees us as perpetual children.

These judgmental parts can fuel so much of our clients’ shame. For another take on how to approach this
critical part, here’s a thought from Dr. Joan Borysenko.

Dr. Borysneko: One very simple way is through humor – naming the
inner critic.
“When the inner
critic comes up, say, When the inner critic comes up, say, “Alright. Get thee behind me,
‘Alright. Get thee Zelda,” or whatever your name is. I think I’ve mentioned this once
behind me, Zelda.’ ” before. The musician Karen Drucker has a great song called taming
your inner critic. She brings in levity and sophistication about the inner
critic and what it does.1

Beyond that, I’ve used a meditation that I heard from Louise Hay back in the day. It must have stemmed from
the mid ‘80s when she was working with AIDS patients. That was a time when so much of the world was
shaming young men with AIDS, saying “God is punishing you for your sins because you’ve done this thing
that’s wrong.”

I think Louise’s success came a lot from working with AIDS patients and loving them instead of shaming them.
Being with her was a safe place. She used to have these events in California that she called Hay Rides. They
were attended by gay men, and she would give this meditation. “It’s time to turn the mirror around and say,
‘How can I be more compassionate and patient with myself?’ ”

It is a visualization exercise where you start by seeing yourself as a baby, and holding yourself in your arms
– and really trying to put yourself into that baby self, with all the love that you would give to this little being.
Then, tuck the baby into your heart.

Then, see yourself as a 5-year-old, and go through the same kind of loving compassionate process before also
tucking the little 5-year-old in your heart. Then, when you were 10, and
then 15, and then when you were a young adult or whatever age you “I find that the
are now.
inner child work is
I find that this gives people an amazing chance to have things come a very important
up about themselves at different ages and feel compassionate toward part of dealing
themselves. It helps with the inner critic, because I find that the inner with shame.”
child work is a very important part of dealing with shame.

Dr. Buczynski: We’ve seen how challenging it can be to work against the inner critic. In the next module, we’ll
look at one direct approach that can break the power of shame.

I’ll see you then.

1. Karen Drucker - Topic. (2015, July 2022). Taming My Inner Critic. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIxN8WtlqkA

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

www.nicabm.com