Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Building Strong Families
How to Discipline
by Mary Gosche
Adapted January 2000
Further adapted and simplified by Gail Rice, Literacy Specialist, December
2002
equal opportunity/ADA institution
Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Table of Contents
What is Discipline?..........................................................................................1
What is the Difference Between Discipline and Punishment?........................2
Parenting Methods – Worksheet......................................................................4
Identifying Your Parenting Style.....................................................................5
Description of Three Parenting Styles.............................................................7
Activity—Looking at My Parenting................................................................9
Discipline That Is Right for the Age of Your Child......................................10
How to Carry Out the Discipline Methods....................................................11
Activity—Discipline Methods for My Child ................................................14
References......................................................................................................15
Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
What is Discipline?
Let’s think about discipline. Remember that young children are not small
adults. You always need to think of your children’s needs.
What do you think the purpose of discipline is? (Write your answer below.)
Children can keep many things in mind when they decide what is best to do.
Teachers think that discipline helps children learn from experience. Then
they can make better decisions.
Discipline is a way to correct and teach a child. Discipline deals with a
child's actions. It should not make a child feel like a bad or worthless
person. Discipline tells a child:
• what you do not want the child to do
• why you do not want him to do it
• what you do want him to do
Discipline tells a child how you feel about what she has done. If you are
angry, you can tell your child, “I feel angry about
______________________________.”
But your child should know that you love her even when she does things that
make you angry. Always tell your child, “I love you--just the way you are.”
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
What is the Difference Between
Discipline and Punishment?
Discipline teaches a child how to act. Discipline should make sense to a
child. It should relate to how the child misbehaves. And discipline should
help a child feel good about himself.
Punishment only tells a child that she is bad. It does not tell a child what she
should do instead. Punishment often has nothing to do with what the child
did wrong. So, punishment may not make sense to the child.
Example 1:
A three-year-old throws his crayons on the floor.
Punishment
Yell "No!" and tell him he is a bad boy.
Discipline
Tell him not to throw crayons. Explain that they could get broken or
mark up the floor. Tell him to pick up the crayons. Then put them
out of his reach until the next day.
Example 2:
A ten-year-old spends all her time after school watching TV and forgets to
do homework.
Punishment
Yell, scream, and take away her allowance.
Discipline
Explain that the rule is only one TV show after school. Tell her that
she must do her homework. Then take away her TV watching for a
few days or a week.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Notice that the punishments did not relate to what the children did wrong,
and they did not teach them what to do. They may have made the children
feel that they were bad.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Parenting Methods – Worksheet
Parents often discipline their children the way they were disciplined as
children. If parents are unhappy about their own childhood, they may be
easier or harder on their children.
1. Who disciplined you as a child, and how did they usually do it?
2. As a child, how did you feel about the way you were disciplined?
3. Think about the way you discipline your children. Is it the same or
different from the way you were disciplined?
The statements on the next pages help you think about the way you parent
your children. You can find out about your discipline style and learn how
this style affects your children.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Identifying Your Parenting Style
Look over this list. Put a check mark (√) in front of each statement that you agree
with.
___1. It is better to have no rules than to worry about breaking them.
___2 Children should decide for themselves what they will do.
___3. My work and/or home jobs are so stressful that I can’t worry about what
my children are doing.
___4. The children won’t listen to me, so I have quit trying.
___5. I want my children to think of me mainly as their friend.
___6. I do not expect my children to fail or make mistakes.
___7. Children should do as I say until they are old enough to decide for
themselves.
___8. I was spanked when I was a child, and I turned out okay.
___9. When my children don’t behave, I yell at them and threaten them with
many different punishments.
___10. I expect my children to do what I tell them without talking about it first.
___11 Children should have choices about what they can do.
___12. Sometimes children have a point. I try to listen to them.
___13. Although it is hard work, parents and children should talk about family
rules. Then each person can share his or her feelings.
___14. Each child should be able to feel like an individual.
___15. I do not criticize my children or call them names, even when I cannot
understand why they act the way they do.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Now you can see how you score on the three parenting styles. Count the
check marks for the question groups below and write the numbers in the
blanks. Then you will see which parenting style is closest to yours.
Questions 1-5 _______Parenting Style # 1 (Permissive)
Questions 6-10 _______Parenting Style # 2 (Authoritarian)
Questions 11-15 _______Parenting Style # 3 (Democratic/Authoritative)
Which style did most of your check marks fall under?
Parents are usually some of each type. But this survey helps you find out
what type you “mostly” are.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Description of Three Parenting Styles
PARENTING STYLE #1—Permissive
Permissive parents do not usually make demands, set up rules, or punish.
They try not to be in control. Some parents do not get involved, spending
little time and effort with their children; they often say that stress and
work keep them from doing so. Other parents may try to do so much for
their children that they neglect themselves. Some permissive parents
hated the strict discipline they got, so they try to be easier on their
children.
CHILDREN FROM STYLE # 1
The children of these permissive parents may lack self-control and be
immature. They may be mean at home. These children often have low self-
esteem and get upset easily. They may try to get attention by skipping
school or using drugs.
PARENTING STYLE #2—Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents are strict and demanding. They may use lots of
physical punishment, yelling, and threats. They value obedience and
order, and they don’t like the children to question their demands. Parents
do not let their children make choices. They try to keep them from
becoming independent.
CHILDREN FROM STYLE # 2
The children of these authoritarian parents are often not very curious or
creative. They are not very independent, and they may find it hard to make
decisions. Often they will follow the rules only when adults are around.
They may have low self-esteem and be mean.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
PARENTING STYLE #3—Authoritative
Authoritative parents may not be perfect, but they are more balanced in
setting limits and giving children independence. They set high goals,
expect good behavior, enforce rules, and urge their children to become
independent. They respect their children’s rights and let them make
choices. They communicate well with their children, listening to them and
allowing more give-and-take.
CHILDREN FROM STYLE #3
The children of these authoritative parents often make good decisions. They
are more independent and confident, and they have higher self-esteem. They
can control themselves better so that they are not too aggressive.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Activity—Looking at My Parenting
A good parent does these things:
“Good” things I do as a parent are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Punishments, threats, lectures, bribes and rewards might give quick
results, but something is lost in the quick fix.
What could I do differently as a parent? How can I improve?
1.
2.
3.
4.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Discipline That Is Right for the Age of Your Child
Methods Age
1-2½ 2-5 5 - 12 12 – 18
Yrs. Yrs. Yrs. Yrs.
Change the child’s
focus
Remove tempting
things and change
situations
Remove child from
the activity
Encourage the child
Give the child a
“time out”
Use natural and
logical
consequences
A.C.T.
Allow some give
and take
Agree and shake
hands on it!
Look at the chart. Notice that there are different ways to discipline
children in different age groups.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
How to Carry Out the Discipline
Methods
CHANGE THE CHILD’S FOCUS. Help children go to another activity
or toy. This lets children get away from what they should not be playing
with and still gives them something to do.
REMOVE TEMPTING THINGS AND CHANGE SITUATIONS.
Move some things in your home so your child cannot reach them. This
helps to keep your child safe and prevents breaking things. Also, watch for
situations that might cause your child to misbehave. Try to change things or
step in before that happens.
REMOVE THE CHILD FROM THE ACTIVITY. When a child cannot
follow rules, fights, or is mean to others, it is best to take the child away
from the activity.
ENCOURAGE THE CHILD. Encouragement is helpful for children of all
ages! Encouragement works better than praise. Praise judges the person,
while encouragement talks about the actions.
Note the difference between praise and encouragement
PRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT
I’m so proud of you. I bet you feel good about finishing your work!
You must be proud of yourself.
Good work! It looks like you were working hard.
You must have enjoyed doing that.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
GIVE THE CHILD A “TIME OUT.” Use a “time out” when a child has
lost self-control. Have the child spend time alone in a place that has no
rewards. Then the child can think about the misbehavior. A “time out” can
last about one minute of time for each year of the child’s age. “Time outs”
can be very helpful if you don’t use them too often. But if children think of
“time outs” as punishment, they may become angry and try to misbehave
during the “time out.”
USE NATURAL OR LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. When a child
misbehaves, you let him or her experience the consequences of the
misbehavior. Sometimes these are the consequences that would happen
naturally because of the misbehavior (natural consequences). When you
can’t let natural consequences happen, you set up other consequences that fit
the misbehavior (logical consequences).
Natural and logical consequences make sense to the child. He or she is
likely to see them as the result of misbehavior and understand why the
behavior was wrong. The child is not likely to view them as a punishment.
Natural consequences – Children learn many good lessons from natural
consequences. For example, a child who refuses to eat supper during
mealtime will end up waiting until breakfast to eat again.
Logical consequences – If you are not able to set up natural consequences or
if it is too dangerous to do so, use logical consequences. Make sure to
choose consequences that the child can logically relate to the misbehavior.
Children can sometimes help in planning these consequences (and they may
be more strict on themselves than a parent would be!)
For example, if your child rides a bike into the street, you wouldn’t want to
let the natural consequence happen of him being hit by a car. So, you use
logical consequences and take away his bike for a few days or a week. Or if
the child won’t put her toys away, you may put them out of her reach for the
day.
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
A.C.T.
Acknowledge feelings. Let the child talk about his/her feelings. Tell the
child that you understand how he/she feels. “I can see that you are angry
about that.”
Communicate limits. State the rule that the child must follow. “The rule is
that we do not hurt animals or people.”
Target two choices. Tell the child two things that he or she can do, and let
the child choose. If you do this, both choices must be okay. For example, if
your child kicks the puppy, you can offer her two choices: “It hurts the
puppy when you kick him. Would you like to kick a ball or play with the
puppy?”
ALLOW SOME GIVE-AND-TAKE. Parents and children need to really
listen to each other. When you listen to your children, it helps them listen to
you even when they don’t want to. Listening helps both of you understand
each other. Then one or both of you might be willing to give in a little. You
will be more likely to agree on rules and consequences.
AGREE AND SHAKE HANDS ON IT!
When you talk and listen to each other, you and your child can find things to
agree on. Then you can make a contract. Write down what you can agree
on. Then both of you can sign it. Finally, you can shake hands on it! For
example:
Problem: Jimmy’s room is dirty.
Agreement: Jimmy will clean his room on Saturday.
Rewards/consequences: If Jimmy cleans the room, he can go to the movies on
Saturday. If he doesn’t clean the room, he can’t go to the movies.
(Jimmy and Mom sign the sheet and shake hands on it.)
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
Activity—Discipline Methods for My Child
Think about the discipline methods you’ve learned about. Then think
about one of your children. Write down your child’s name and age:
My child’s name: _________________________ Age: _____
On the left side, write down the main ways that your child misbehaves.
On the right side, list some discipline methods you can use for this
misbehavior.
My child’s misbehavior: Discipline methods I can use:
1. ________________________ A. _____________________________
________________________ B. _____________________________
2. ________________________ A. _____________________________
________________________ B. _____________________________
3. ________________________ A. _____________________________
________________________ B. _____________________________
4. ________________________ A. _____________________________
________________________ B. _____________________________
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Building Strong Families Positive Discipline Participant Workbook
References
Barakat, I. & Clark, J. (1998). Positive discipline and child guidance.
University of Missouri Extension Publication #GH 6119.
Baumrind, D. (1986). Effects of authoritative parental control on child
behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887-907.
Dinwiddie, S. (1994). The saga of Sally, Sammy, and the red pen:
Facilitating children’s social problem solving. Young Children. 49,
13-19.
Fields, M. & Boesser, C. (1994). Constructive guidance and discipline. New
York: Macmillan.
Katz, L. (1989). Family living: Suggestions for effective parenting. Urbana,
IL: ERIC Clearinghouse Document, ED313168.
Miller, S. (1995). Parents’ attributions for their children’s behavior. Child
Development. 66, 1557-1584.
Myers-Walls, J. Why won’t you behave? Discipline strategies with young
children. Published handout, Purdue University Cooperative
Extension Service, West Lafayette, Indiana.
Socha, T. & Stamp, G. (1995). Parents, Children and Communication.
Frontiers of Theory and Research. Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence
Erlbaum Associates, Publishers.
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