ONE

HE LIVES IN a one-room flat near

Mowbray tailway station, for
which he pays eleven guineas a month. On the last warking day
of each month he catches the train in to the city, to Loop Steet,
where A. & B. Levy, proprty agents, have their brass plate and
tiny office. To Mr B. Levy, younger of the Levy brothers, he
hands tthe envelope with the rent. Mr Levy pours the money
out onto his cluttered desk and counts it. Grunting and swveae
ing, he 'writes a reçeipt. Volà, young man! he says, and passes
it over with a fourish.
He, is at pains not to be late with the rent because he is in
the flat under false pretences. When he signed the lease and paid
A. & [Link] the deposit, he gave his occupation not as Student'
but [Link] Asistant with the university ibrary as lis work
address.
k is not a lie, not entirey. From Monday to Fiday it is his
job to man the reading room during evening hours. lt is a jol
that the regular librarians, women for the most part, prefer not
to do becanse the cámpus, up on the mountainside, is too bleak
and lonely at nipht. Even he feels a chill down his spine as he
unlocks the back door and gropes his way clown apitch-dark
corridor to the mains switçh. It would be al! too easy for some
evildoer to hide in the siacks when the staff go home at five
 kok, dhcn rifle æc empty officcs and wait in the dark to
waylay linn,the nigbt assistant, for his keys.
Few students make nsc of the cvening opening few ac even
awae of it. Thcre is littlc or bim to do,. The ten shillibg per
cvuing hc cars is easy money.
Somctiues he imagines a beautiful girl in a white dress
wanleiug into thc scading room and lingering distractedly after
fantey ckosing tinc; he iuagincs showing her over the mysterics of the
thet hilery and cataloguing room, then emerging with her into the
satry night. It never liappens.
Working in the ibrary is not his only cnployment. On
Wrdneslay afternoons be assists with irst-ycar sutorials in dhe
Matheuatirs Depart1ncnt (three pounds a week);pn Fridays he
conducts the diploua students in drama through selccted come
dics ofSlakespeare (twu pounds ten); and in he late afternoons
Ie is cnployed by á cram sclhool in Rondebosch to coach
umrnics for thcir Matriculation exans (three shilings arbour).
During vacations he woks for the Municipality (Divison of
]'yblicI ousing) cxtracting statistical data from household
s vrys. NI in all, when hc adds up he monis, he is Comfort
bly of - comotably cnough to pay his. rent and university
frcs aul keep hady and soul togeiher and even save a litde He
yny uly be nincteen but lhe is on his own feet, dépendent on

Thc nceds of the body he treats as amater of simple conmon

se Se, Eveiy Sunday he boik up marrowbones and beans and
rrlery t0make a big pot of soup, enough to lst the week. On
Tidays bc visits Sale River arket or a bax of apples ot guavas
A wlhatcver fruit is in scason. Every morning the milkman Jeaves
a pint of ilk on bis doorstep. When bè has a surplus of nilk
Jhr hangys it over thc sink in an old nylon stockig and turns it
t hecse. For thc iest he buys bread at the cormer shop. lt is
2
a diet Rousseau would approve of, or Plato. As for clothes, he
has a good jacket and trousers to wear to lectures. Oherwise
he makes old clothes Jast.
He is proving somcthing: that cach man is an isand; tlhat you
don't need parents.
Some evenings, trudging along the Main Road in raincoat
and shorts and sandas; his hair plastered lat by he rain, lit up
by the headlights of pasing cars, he has a sense of how odd he
Jooks. Not eccentric (there is some distinction in looking eccen
tric), just odd. He grinds his teeth in chagrin and walks faster.
He is slim and Jooselimbed, yet. at the sane time labby. He
would ike to bé attráctive but he knows he is not. There is
something essential be Jacks, some definiion of feature.
Something of the baby stil lingers in hin. How long before he
will cease to beà baby? What will cure bim of babyisod, make
him into a iian?
What will cure bim, if it were to arrive, will be love. He may
not believe in God but [Link] believe in love and the powers
of love. The beloved, the destined one, will sce at once througb
the odd amd evei dull exterior he presents to the fire that burns
within him. Mearwhile, being dull and oda-looking are part of
a purgatory he imust pass thróugh in order to energe, one day,
into the ight: the bebt of love, the light of art For he will be
an artist, that has long been setled. If for the time being be
must be obscure and riiculous, that is because it is the lot of
the atist to suffer obscurity and ridicule 'unil the day when be
is revcaled in his troe powers and the scoffers and nockers falI
silent.
His sandas cost two shillings and sixpence à pair. They are
of rubbet, and are made somewhere in Africa, Nyasaland perhaps.
Wheo thcy get wet they do not grip the sole of the foot. In
the Cape winter it rains for weeks on cud. Walking along the
Main Road in the rain, he sornctines has to stop to recapture
a 'sandal that has. slipped free, At such moments. he can see the
fat burghers of Cape Towi chuckling as they pas in the comfort
of their cars. Laugh! he thinks. Soon|will be gone!

He has a best friend, Paul, whg like him is studying mathe

matics, Paul is tall and dark,and in the micst of an affair wih
an older wornan, a woman named Elinor Laurier, small and
blonde and beautifi in a quck, birdlike way Panl complains
about Elinor's inpredictable imoods, about the demands she
makes on him: Nevertheless, he is envions of Paul. If he h£d a
beaiutifnl, worldly-wise mistress who snoked with a cigarette
holder dnd spoke French, he would soon be tran_formed, even
transfigred, he is siute
Elinor and her rwin sister were born in England; they wer
brought to SouthAfica at the age of fifteen, after the War. Their
mother, according to Piul, according to linor, used to phy the
girs off against eachother, giving love and approval first to the
one, then:o the other, confising them, keeping them depen
dent on hber. Eliior, he stronger of tht two, retained her sanity,
though she still crie in her sleep andkeeps a teddy-bear in a
drawer Her sister, howeser, wasifor awhie crasy enough to be
locked up. She isstill under therapy as she sruggles with he
ghostof he dead old woman.
Elinor teaches in a languàge school in tb city. Since taking
up with heg, Paulhas been absorbedinto her set, a set of artists
and intellecuas who hve in th Gardens, wear black _weatèrs
and jeans and rop sandals, drink rough red wine and smoke
Gauloises,quote, Cans and Gatcía Lorci, listen to progressive
jz One of hem plysthe Spanish guitat and can be persided
to do an imitañon of çante hondo) Not hâving piper jobs, they
stay up al night and sleep until [Link] hate the Nationalists
 but are not political. IE they had the money, hey say, thcy woul
leave benighred Souh Afica and move for good to. Montussr
or the Balearic Tslands.
Paul and Elinor ake hin along o onç of their get-togvtl1
ers, held in a bungalow on Clilton beac. Eliuors sister, the
unsable one he has been told about, is amoug tlie compauy.
Accordling tÍ Paul, she is having an aflair wid1. ehe owner of the
bungalow, a tlorid-faced man who writes. far the Cape Times.
The sister' name is Jacqueline. Slhe is tallee h¡n Eiaos, ikt
as [Link] beauiful nonethcléss. Slieis full of hervous
energy, chain-smokes, gesticuates whe she talks. IHe gets n
with her. She is less Caustic than Elinog for which he is relicel
Caustic people make him uneasy FHe suspects theó pa wii
icisns about him when his back is tiùrned.
Jacqueline. suggests a walk on he beach. Hand in aid (luow
did th¡t bappen?).in the moonlighe, they strall the leng1t of e
beach. In a secluded space among the ocks she türns to him,
pouts, ofers him her-lips.
. He responds, but nneasily Where will dis lead? He has uot
made love to arn older womah before. What if he
is Hot up io
standard?
lt leads, he discovers, all the wiy. Unresisting he
follows, loes
his best, goes through witrthe act, even pretends at
he kust l»
be carricd away.
In fact he is hot çarricd away. Not only
is therc le ater
of the sand, which gets into everything, there is also the
question of wBry this woman, whom he has never et
laggng
ltoe.
is giving herself to him. s it credible tlat in the coune ofa
sual conversarion she detected ahe secret lame
buruinpg nhim.
the lame that márks himas an artist? TSshe siunply a
nic and was chat what Iaul, in is delicate uyyho
way was waln
ioe him about when he said she was 'under henp?
 In scxhc is not nttcrly unsclhoolcd. If the man
bas not enjoyed
the loveinaking,then the wonan will not have
enjoyed it eithet
-that he knows, chat is onc of the rules of sex. But
what happens
alierwards, betwccn aman and a womain who have failed at the
gamc? Are they lbound to recall their failure whenever they meét
agan, and feel embarrasscd?
Jt is late, the niglit is getting cold. In silence they dress, and
makc tlhcir way back to thc bungalow, where the party has begun
to break p. Jacqueline gathers ber shocs and bag. Goodnight,
shc says to their host, giving him a peck on the cheek.
You're of?' he says.
Yes, I'n giving Joim a ride home, she replies.
Thcir hóst is not 2t ail disconccrted. "Have a gaed time then,
ie says. Both of yon
Jacseline is a Ise. He has not becn with a nurse before,
Iat icceivcd opinion is that, fiom working anong the sick and
dying and attchding to their [Link], nurses grow cynical
about morality Medical students look forward to he ime when
tley wil do night slhifis at the hospital. Nurses are starved for
sCx, ity ay They fuck anywhere, ainytime.
Jacequeline, however, is no ordinary nurae. She is a Guy's
UESe, shcis quick to inforn him, raincd in tidwifery at
Gays liosypital in [Link] he breast of her tunic, with its
red slsonlder-tabs, she wears a little bronze badge, a casque and
pamtlct with the motto PER ARDUA. She works not at Groote
Shenr. the prblic bospil, but at a private nursing home,
where the pay is bette
Tvn days aftcr the event on Chion,beach he calls at the
Rses' residencc. hcqucline is waiing for himi in the entrance
hall, deessei to go oyt,;and thcy leave at oncc. From an upstais
window faces crane down to stare; he is aware ol other nurses
plancing at hin1 inguisitively. Hcis too young, clearly. too young,
 without a cat
for a woman of thirty; and, in his drab clothes,
plainly ot much of acatch either.
Within a weck Jacqueline has quit thÇ nurses' residence and
imoved in with hini in [Link] back, h cannot renem
ber imviting her: he has merely failed to resist.
He hs ievet ived with anyone befoe, certainly bot with a
of his own
woman, a mistress. Even as a chid he had a room
with adoot that loked. The Mowbray flat consists of a single
and a
ong rogn, with an entryway olf which led a kitchen
. bathroom. Howis he going to survive?
He ries to be welcoming to his sudden new conparion,
tries to oke space for het But within days he has begun to
resent the dutter of boxes and suitcases, the clothes scattered
cverýwhere, thémess in the bathrooit. He dreacds the atle of
the motor-scoóter that signas Jacqueline's returu from the day
shift. Though they still make love, there is inore and more silence
betwcen them, he sitting a his desk petending to be absorbed
in his books, she mooning aroünd, ignorcd, sighing, stnoking
one cigarette after another.
She sighs a great [Link] is the way her neurosis expresses
itself, ifthat is what it is,neutoss:in sighing and feeling exhauated
and souuetines crying soundlessly. The eiergy and aughter and
boldness of their frst meeting have dwindled to nothiig. The
:gaiety of that night [Link] break in the cloud of gloom, it
would secm, neffect of alcoho> or perhaps even an act Jacqueline
was puting, on.
They sleep togeberina bed buitfor one. In bed Jacqueline
lks on and on about men who have used ber, about therapists
who have tried to ake over her tiind and turn her into their
Duppet. s he one of-those men, he wonders? Is he using her? And
is thee some other man to whorn she conplains about him? He
Alls asleep with het still talking, wakes üp in the mnorning haggard.
7
 Jacqueline is, by auy standards, an
attractive, more sophisticáted, more attractive woman, more
deserves, The frank truth worldly-wise than he
isithat were it
between the twin sisters, she would not bc not for the rivalry
is a pawn sharing his. bed. He
in a game the two ot them are
long anitedateshis appearance 0n the
playing, a game that
scene he. has no ill-:
sions about. that. Nevertheless, he is the one who has
favoured, he shonld sot. qiestion his fortunc. Here heis been
ing a flat with a shar
woman tenyears older than he, a womann of
expericncë who, during her stint at Guys Hospital, slept (she
says) vith EnglishHen, Frenchmen, Italians, cven a Persian, If be
cannot cdaim to be loved for himscf, at [Link] has been
given
change to broaden his cducation in thè, realm of the crotic.
Such are his hopes. But after atwelve-hour shift at the nurs
ing home followed by [Link]. of caulilower in, white sauce
followed by an, cvening of moodysilence, Jacqueline is not
incined to be generous with herself. If she. enbraces him at all
she does so -perfunctorily, since if it is not for the, sake of sex
that two strangers haye penned themselves up togethct in såch
a cramped and comfortless iving-space, then what cason have
they for being there at all?
It all cones to a hcad swhen, while he is out of thc fat,
Jacqueline searches out bis, diary anid reads what he bas writen
about their life together. He returns to find her packing het
belongings.
*What is going on?" he asks.
Tight-lipped, she points t the diary lying opçn on his desk.
He flares up, in [Link] arc not going to stop me from
writing he vows. It is anon sequitúr, and he knows it.
She is angry. too, but in colder, deeper wTf,
yDu hnd me such an unspeakable burden, she says, i£Iam
destroying your peace zndprivacy and your ability to write, let
 from my side that I have hated living with you,
me tell you
fre.
hated every miriute of it, and can't wait to be
ead other
What he should have said was that one should not
pcople's private papers. In fact, he should have hidde
lis diary
to0 Iate ikw,
aw, not left it where it could be found. Bt it is
the damage is done.
He watches while Jacqueline packs, helps her strap her bag oa
the pilion of her scooter. TII kéep the key, uith your penissim,
ünil Ihave fetched the rest of my stuff; she says. Slie siaqs o:
her helmet. Goodbye. I'm rèally disappointed in' you, Joli. Yu
may be very cever- I woukdnt know abont that -but you iave
a lot of giowing op to da' She kicks the starter pedal. The cgue
will not, catch. Again she kicks it, and agairn. Asmell of pctul
rises in the air. The carburettor is ffoodel; tlhere is notling t s
bat wait for it to dry [Link] inside, he suggests. Stony-fx ed,
she refuscs. Im sory: le says. "About everyting
He gocs indoors, Jeving her in he aley. ive ninnes atr
be hears the engine start and the scooer Ioar ofl.
Is hie sotry? Certainky he is sorzy Jacqueine ead wlat siec
read. But the teal question is, what was his iotie for WEkiny.
what he wIote? Did he pethaps write it in order tat sle shot
rad it? Was Jeavitihg his true thoughts lying áromd whce sc
wäs bound tó fnd them his way of telling her what Ju: was to0
owardly to say toher face? What are his true thoughts anyway?
Sorne days he fecls happy, even privileged, to be living witta
beantiflworan, or at least not tn be living akbie. Ouicr aus
he feels differently. Is the truth the happiness, tlié unhappincss,
pr the ajerage of the two?
The question of what stOutd be perniteu o go into is
faicy and. what kept forever shronded gocs to the heatt ef
his wiing. If he is to censor Inmselt tom
expressig ikuobe
enoions - resentment at having hs Hat ivaded, or siane
bis ow failurcs 23 a Jover how will those cmotions cver be
Asfigured and turncd into poctry? And if poctry is not to
be
noblc, wiry
ihe agency of his tránsiguration from ignoble to
botber with pociry at al? Bcsides, who is to say that
the fec
say
imps he wiites in his diary are his true feclings? Who is to
he is truly himself?
that at cach ionent wbile thc pen ovcs
arnother le might
At one moncnt he miglt truly be lhimself, at
simply be tuaking things up. Howy can he know
for surc? Why
slonld he cyen swant to know for sure?
should baye said
Iings are raiely as they scem: that is what he
would have under
to Jaolinc:Yet what chancc is there she
stood? How could she belicve that what she red in his diary
was mnt the trutlh, the ignoble trutlh, about what was going on
in the mnindof her conpaion during thosc lheavy evenings of
siknce ad sigings but on the contrary a fiction, one of mny
ossibeficiions, true only in the sense that a work
of att is truc
ai1swhen the igno
iuc to itsclf,tue to its own iminanert
her
ble reaingconfor med so closely to her own suspicion that
L a t i n dit o t love hcr,did n0t Even ike
her?
Jacyncline will uot bclicve bin, for he simple rcason
that he
what he believes.
does ot bclicve himsclf He does not know
Somcaines he thinks he oes 1ot beheve anything. But when
at living
all is snid and done, the fact remains dhat bis fst try
must return
with a womanhas cnded in failure, in ignominy. He
littie rehef in tlhat. Yet
to iving try hinsclf; and there will be no
istresses is part of an
Je cannot live alone for cver. Having
trap of marriage, as he
art int's ife: even if he stects cdcar of the
a way of living
will certainly do, he is going to bave to find
wonen. At canot be fed on deprivation alonc, on long
wilh
pastion, ove as wvell
ing, loncincss. There mRISt be intimacy,
thc grctest of all, is a
I'icasso, who is agrcat artist, pehaps
example. Picasso flls in love with women, one after
Frving
IO
another. One after another they move in with him, share his
ife, model for [Link] of the pssion that lares up anew with
each new mistres, the Doras and Pilars whom chante brings to
his doorstep are reborm înto everlasting art. That is how it is
done. Whát of him? Can hc promise that the women in his owir
life, not only Jacqueline but all the unimaginable women to
come, will have à similar destiny? He would like to bclieve so,
but he has his doubts. Whether he will turn
out to be a great
artist only time will tell, but one thing is sure, he is no
Picasso.
His whole sensibility is different from Picasso's. He
is quicter,
gloomiet, more northern. Nor does he have Picasso's
black eyes. If ever he tries to tansfigure a ypnotic
woman; he will not
ransfiguie her as cruelly as Picasso does, bending and twisting
ber body kke mctal ina fiery futnace. Writers are not like
painters anyway they are more dogged, more
Is that the fate of all women subtle.
who becomé mixecd up with
artists: to havetheir worst ot their best extracted
nto fiction? He hinks of Hlene in War and worked
Start off as one of Tolstoy's
and Peace. Did Halène
mistresses?
long after she was gone, men wiho Did she ever guess that,
had never laid eyes on her
would lust after ber beantiful bare shouldcrs?
Must it all be so cruc? Sutely there
n which man and is a form of cohabitation
wonman eat together, sleep
together, yet remain immersed in their together, ive
aions. Is that why the affair with respective invward exblo
Because, not being an artist hersclt,Jacquelin was dooned to fail:
she could not appreciate the
Atist's nced for inner solitude? If
Jácqueline had been a
rcss, for instance, if one corner of the lat
had bcen sculp-
sct aside for
her to chip away at her marble while in another
ted with wors and thymes, would love bave coIner he wres-
n Is that he morl of the story flourished bctween
of himself and lacaueline.
hat it is best for artists to have attairs only wich
artise?
II