Session Focus:
Improve emotional connection, communication patterns, and shared responsibility dynamics by
increasing emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement using Gottman and EFT
principles.
🕒 Session Length: 90 minutes
✅ Goals for This Session:
1. Identify each partner’s emotional needs and communication styles.
2. Explore underlying attachment dynamics.
3. Begin restructuring interaction patterns that lead to disconnection.
4. Introduce tools to support vulnerability, shared responsibility, and emotional engagement.
🔹 Session Structure
I. Check-in (10 minutes)
Therapist: Welcome the couple and review progress or concerns since the last session (if
ongoing), or get a sense of presenting tension if it’s an initial session.
Prompt: “What has felt better or worse in your connection since our last conversation?”
II. Psychoeducation (10 minutes)
Gottman Concepts:
Four Horsemen vs. Antidotes: Briefly introduce criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and
stonewalling, and their antidotes (gentle start-up, responsibility, appreciation, self-
soothing).
Emotional Bank Account: Emphasize importance of turning toward bids for connection.
EFT Concepts:
Attachment Lens: Normalize emotional needs (e.g., “When we feel disconnected, we
often protest in ways that may seem critical or withdrawn”).
Describe common pursuer-withdrawer dynamic (female may pursue emotionally; male
may withdraw due to upbringing).
III. Attachment History Briefing (10 minutes)
Let each partner share (briefly) how emotions were handled in their family of origin.
o Male partner: Explore how emotional restraint was modeled.
o Female partner: Explore how openness and connection were modeled and
expected.
Therapist Notes:
Highlight how these models now shape their expectations and conflicts. Validate both
experiences without blame.
IV. Emotionally Focused Interaction Restructuring (30 minutes)
Step 1: Identify the Negative Cycle (EFT Stage 1)
o Map the cycle (e.g., "You feel emotionally distant → she protests or demands →
you shut down or get defensive → she feels more disconnected").
Step 2: Slow Down Conflict Moments
o Choose a recent recurring argument (household duties, feeling unheard, etc.).
o Ask each partner to explore what they were feeling under the surface.
Therapist prompts:
“What did you feel in your body in that moment?”
“What did you need from your partner right then?”
V. Gottman-Based Communication Skill Building (20 minutes)
Introduce “Dreams Within Conflict” Tool:
o Helps partners express values or hopes behind their positions.
o E.g. Female partner: "Emotional connection around chores makes me feel we’re a
team."
Male partner: "Not being judged while doing things helps me feel safe."
Exercise: Gentle Start-Up Practice
o Teach and model soft-start techniques:
“I feel [emotion] about [issue], and I need [positive need].”
o Have partners role-play a current conflict using the soft-start formula.
VI. Shared Meaning & Responsibility Talk (10 minutes)
Facilitate a short discussion on household roles.
o Invite them to describe what they believe is fair and meaningful contribution.
o Emphasize teamwork: "How can we make this feel shared, not transactional?"
Tie this back to emotional bids and turning toward— chores as a form of love.
VII. Wrap-Up and Homework (5 minutes)
Summary:
Reiterate what the negative cycle looks like.
Affirm their commitment to each other.
Highlight at least one moment of emotional risk or connection they showed in session.
Homework:
1. Ritual of Connection: 10-minute daily check-in using “How are you feeling today?
What do you need from me?”
2. Dreams Within Conflict Worksheet (Gottman tool).
3. Soft Start-Up Practice: Use the gentle start-up format at least twice during the week
when discussing responsibilities or needs.
📘 Materials to Share:
Handout on the Four Horsemen and Antidotes (Gottman)
Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle visual (EFT)
"Dreams Within Conflict" worksheet
Emotional Check-In sentence starters
