1

SIX
written by Toby Marlow and Lucy Moss
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Greensleeves on the harpsichord as the lights fade to black.

Song: ​EX-WIVES

Aragon: Divorced

Boleyn: Beheaded

Seymour: Died

Cleves: Divorced

Howard: Beheaded

Parr: Survived

Aragon: And tonight, Chicago, we are…

All: LIVE!

Aragon: Listen up, let me tell you a story

Boleyn: A story that you think you’ve heard before

Seymour: We know you know our names, and our fame, and our faces

Cleves: Know all about the glories and the disgraces

Howard: I’m done, cos all this time

I’ve been just one word in a stupid rhyme

Parr: So I picked up a pen and a microphone

All: History’s about to get overthrone

Aragon: Divorced

Boleyn: Beheaded

Seymour: Died

Cleves: Divorced

Howard: Beheaded
 3

Parr: Survived

All: But just for you tonight

We’re divorced, beheaded, LIVE!

Welcome to the show

To the histo-remix
Switching up the flow
As we add the prefix
Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives

Raising up the roof

‘Til we hit the ceiling
Get ready for the truth
That we’ll be revealing
Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives
But now we’re ex-wives

Aragon: Chicago, make some NOIIIISEEE!!!!

Dance break.

Aragon: All you ever hear and read about

Boleyn: Is our ex and the way it ended

Seymour: But a pair doesn’t beat a Royal Flush

Cleves: You’re gonna find out how he got unfriended

Howard: Tonight we’re gonna do ourselves justice

Cos we’re taking you to court

Parr: Every tudor rose has its thorns

And you’re gonna hear ‘em live in consort

Aragon: Divorced

Boleyn: Beheaded

Seymour: Died
 4

Cleves: Divorced

Howard: Beheaded

Parr: Survived

All: But just for you tonight

We’re divorced, beheaded, LIVE!

Welcome to the show

To the histo-remix
Switching up the flow
As we add the prefix
Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives

Dancing through the night

‘Til the break of​ ​day
Once we’re done we’ll start again
Like it’s the renaissance
Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives
But now we’re ex-wives

Aragon: ​ emember us from PBS?

(alluringly) R

All: Divorced

Aragon: My name’s Catherine of Aragon

Was married 24 years, I’m a paragon
Of royalty, my loyalty is to the Vatican
So if you try to dump me... you won’t try that again

All: Beheaded

Boleyn: I’m that Boleyn girl, and I’m up next

See, I broke England from the Church - yeah I’m that sexy
Why did I lose my head?
Well, my sleeves may be green, but my lipstick’s red

All: Died

Seymour: Jane Seymour, ‘the only one he truly loved’

 5

All: Rude

Seymour: When my son was newly​ ​born

I died, but I’m not what I seem,
Or am I? Stick around and you’ll suddenly see more...

All: Divorced

Cleves: Ich bin​ Anna of Cleves

All: Ja?
Cleves: When he saw my portrait, he was like
All: “Ja!”
Cleves: But I “didn’t look as good as I did in my pic”
Funny how we all discuss that, but never Henry’s little pr-

Howard: Prick up your ears, I’m the Katherine who lost her head

All: Beheaded

Howard: For my promiscuity outside of wed-

Lock up your husbands, lock up your sons
K-Howard is here and the fun’s begun

All: Survived

Parr: Five down, I’m the final wife

I saw him to the end of his life
I’m the survivor: Catherine Parr
I bet you wanna know how I got this far
I said, I bet you wanna know how I got this far

All: Do you wanna know how we got this far?

Then welcome to the show

To the histo-remix
Switching up the flow
As we add the prefix
Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives

Turn the beat up

Get this party buzzin’
You want a Queen Bee?
Well, there’s half a dozen
 6

Everybody knows
That we used to be six wives
But now we’re ex-wives

One
Two
Three
Four
Five
SIX!

The following is underscored with some incredibly well-written incidental music.

Cleves: Chicago, how are you doing tonight? (​rapturous applause​)

Boleyn: We said how are you doing tonight? (​complete uproar; I haven’t got a face)​

Seymour: WE ARE

All: (sung) ​SIX

Seymour: AND WELCOME TO OUR DIVORCED BEHEADED LIVE TOUR!

Howard: Ooooh Chicago we’ve got a whole lot in store for you tonight:

Aragon: We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs (​she riffs)​

Parr: Shimmies to shake up your chemise ​(they shimmy)​

Seymour: And a whole lotta history

Parr: Or as we like to call it… HER-story ​(they all laugh at their own amusingness and
then are promptly cut off by a BAM as they strike a pose)

Aragon: So obviously you know who ​we​ ​are...

Howard: (Please, no portraits)

Aragon: ...but give it up for our LADIES. IN. WAITING!!!!

Boleyn: We’ve got Maggie on guitar!

Maggie shreds that guitar.

 7

Cleves: Bessie on the Bass!

Bessie slaps that bass like nobody’s business.

Parr: And killing it on the keys, we’ve got Joan!

Joan fugues the absolute FUCK out of the harpsichord.

Aragon: And with beats so sick they’ll give you gout, IT’S MARIA ON THE DRUMS!!!!

Bang bang bang go the drums under Maria’s holy sticks.

Cleves: So you came here tonight to party with us old skool

Seymour: Really, really old school… ​(she laughs at her own joke. No one else laughs. She
moves on swiftly) ​But we’re not here to have fun

Aragon: Uh uh

Seymour: We’ve got a serious score to settle

Howard: Cos you see, Chicago, the problem is: there’s...

All: (sung) ​SIX

Howard: ...of us, and we know you’ve all got your favourite

Aragon: Yes everyone always wants to know ‘who’s the most important wife?’

Cleves: And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries

Parr: We’ve heard it all:

Aragon: “Who lasted longest was the strongest”

Boleyn: “The biggest sinner is obvs the winner”

Seymour: “Who had the son takes number one”

Cleves: “Who was most chaste shall be first-placed”

Howard: “The most inglourious is victorious”

 8

Parr: ‘The winning contestant was the most ​(said to rhyme with contestant:)​
​ rotestant...
Protestant... ​(correct pronunciation:) P

Aragon: But tonight we’re gonna answer your questions once and for all

Boleyn: And tell you what you want, what you really really want...to know.

Seymour: That’s right! We’re here to help you figure out which of us is

Cleves: The queen of the castle ​(BAM)

Seymour: The rose among the thorns ​(BAM)

Howard: The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540
(BAM BAM BAM)

Aragon: But how the purgatory are they gonna choose their leading lady?

Boleyn: Well hold up! ​(The band abruptly holds up.)​ If this is gonna be a fair competition,
they’re gonna have to judge us by the one thing we have in common

Seymour: The Queen to take the crown should be the one who had the biggest ​(BIG
SPENDER-STYLE BRASS)

Parr: The firmest ​(BRASS)

Aragon: The fullest ​(BRASS)

Cleves: ...load of BS to deal with from the man who put a ring on it.​ (Brassy world Single
Ladies-esque BAM)

Howard: So Chicago, we’re gonna hold a little contest for you

Boleyn: And the rules are simple:

Parr: The Queen who was dealt the worst hand

Seymour: The Queen with the most hardships to withstand

Cleves: The Queen for whom it didn’t really go as planned

All: Shall be the one to lead the band ​(BAM)

 9

Aragon: So, what do you think Chicago, are you ready to choose your leading lady? ​(Loud
screams of ‘yes’ from the audience, just audible over their even louder applause)

Howard: We said are you READYYY? ​(standing ovation, weeping, flowers thrown on
stage etc.)

Song:​ ​EX WIVES (REPRISE)

All: Welcome to the show

To the coronation
Who will take the crown,
Be the pop sensation?
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives
Six wives
Six wives
Six wives
Six wives

Aragon: (she stops the band) ​But there’s only one that you need to hear from tonight.
Chicago, I’m about to win this competition. Maria - gimme a beat!

Song:​ ​NO WAY

Maria gives her a beat.

Aragon: Mm-hmm, muy bien.

So, since the day I arrived in England, let’s just say my faith has been tested on
more than one occasion.

First things first, I’m shipped over from Spain on the night of my Sweet Sixteenth
to marry some prince called Arthur, and I’m like… okay.

Then Arthur dies, so naturally I’m imprisoned for seven years… really helped with
the grieving process, ya know. But still, I’m like… okay.

But thank God, they rescued me just in time to marry Prince Henry - my dead
husband’s brother… Okay,

…so I’m thinking, “bit weird”. But if you’d seen him back in the summer of ‘09, let
me tell you he was… ​(she thinks he was pretty sexy)​ O.K.

So seven years later

We’re still trying for an heir
 10

​ ard
And he’s trying​ really h
And I’m like… Okay

Then he starts coming home late

“I was just out with my ministers”
But there’s lipstick on his ruff
And I’m like… Okay

Suddenly he wants to annul our marriage

Move some side-chick into ​my​ palace
And move me into a convent

Now, I don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple. So I’m like… NO. WAY.

VERSE 1
Aragon: You must agree that, baby, in all the time I’ve been by your side
I’ve never lost control no matter how many times I knew you lied
Had my golden rule:
Gotta keep my cool, yeah, baby

All: You know she’s gotta keep it cool

Aragon: And even though you’ve had your fun running around with some pretty
young thing
And even though you had one son with someone who don’t own a
wedding ring
No matter what I heard
I didn’t say a word, no, baby

All: You know she never said a word

BRIDGE 1
Aragon: I’ve put up with your

All: SHH

Aragon: Like every single day

All: Woah woah

Aragon: But now it’s time to

All: SHH
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Aragon: And listen when I say

CHORUS 1
Aragon: You must think that I’m crazy
You wanna replace me, baby, there’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: If you think for a moment

I’d grant you annulment, just hold up,​ ​there’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: No way
No way

All: There’s n-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: No way
No way

All: There’s n-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: There’s no way

VERSE 2
Aragon: So you read a Bible verse that I’m cursed cos I was your brother’s wife
You say it’s a pity cos, quoting Leviticus, I’ll “end up kiddiless” all my life
Well, Daddy, weren’t you there
When I gave birth to Mary?

All: Daughters are so easy to forget.

BRIDGE 2
Aragon: You’re just so full of

All: SHH

Aragon: Must think that I’m naive

Others: Woah woah

Aragon: I won’t back down, won’t

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All: SHH

Aragon: And no, I’ll never leave

CHORUS 2
Aragon: You must think that I’m crazy
You wanna replace me, baby, there’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: If you thought it’d be funny

To send me to a nunn’ry, honey, there’s

All: ​ oooooo way

(choral vibes) N
No way
No way

Aragon: There’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

No way
No way

Aragon: There’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: There’s no way

BIG SALSA-INSPIRED DANCE BREAK

Give it up for Maria on the drums!

MIDDLE 8
Aragon: You’ve got me down on my knees, please tell me what you think I’ve done
wrong
Been humble, been loyal, I’ve tried to swallow my pride all along
If you can just explain
A single thing I’ve done to cause you pain
I’ll go…

(She waits patiently for Henry to respond. He doesn’t)

No?
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You’ve got nothing to say

I’m not going away
There’s no way

CHORUS 3
You must think that I’m crazy
You wanna replace me, baby, there’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: You made me your wife

So I’ll be queen ‘til the end of my life

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

No way ​(Aragon riffing: ​I’m not going, nooo etc.)
No way

Aragon: There’s n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no way

All: No way
No way
Aragon: There’s
All: n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no way

Aragon: There’s no way!

As applause dies down, band comes in with some low-key Spanish noodling around the melody
of ‘No Way’.

Aragon​: So clearly I had the most to deal with from the King. And I hit that top C so… like
donde esta my crown. Por favore.

Howard: Wait hang on a sec, who was that ​other​ one?

Band cuts out with a scratch.

Aragon: I think you’re thinking of me

Seymour: No, there was definitely a really important one

Aragon: Still me

Parr: I think she like overlapped with you?

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Cleves: No yeah the really famous and controversial one who people actually care
about?

Seymour: Yeah, you know…

Song:​ ​THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

Seymour: The one you’ve been waiting for

All: (whispered) ​The one you’ve been waiting for

Howard: The mystery

Cleves: The one who changed history

Parr & Seymour: (whispered) ​Mystery

Aragon, Cleves, Howard: (whispered) ​The one who changed history

Parr & Seymour: (whispered) ​Mystery

All: The temptress

Aragon: The one with the plan, the plan to steal the man

All: (​whispered​) Anne

Parr: The one who chased the King

Seymour: But paid the price with the swordsman’s swing

All: Will she be the one to win?

Cleves: Anne Boleyn

Parr: Anne Boleyn

Howard: Anne Boleyn

Aragon: Anne Boleyn

Seymour: Anne Boleyn

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Boleyn: What? Oh sorry…

Song:​ ​DON’T LOSE UR HEAD

VERSE 1
Boleyn: Grew up in the French court
Oui oui, bonjour
Life was a chore, so

Others: She set sail

Boleyn: Fifteen twenty two, came

Straight to the UK
All the British dudes? Lame.

Others: Epic fail

Ooh hoo

Boleyn: I wanna dance and sing

Others: Politics?

Boleyn: Not my thing

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: But then I met the King

And soon my Daddy said
“You should try and get ahead!”

He wanted me
Ha! Obviously
Kept messaging me
Like everyday

Couldn’t be better
Then he sent me a letter
And who am I kidding
I was ​prêt à manger

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: Sent a reply

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Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: Just saying hi

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: Ur a nice guy

I’ll think about it maybe
xo baby

BRIDGE 1
Others: Uh oh

Boleyn: Here we go

Others: You sent him kisses

Boleyn: I didn’t know I would move in with his Mrs!

Others: WHAT?!

Boleyn: Get a life

Others: YOU’RE LIVING WITH HIS WIFE?!

Boleyn: Like, what was I meant to do?

CHORUS 1
Boleyn: Sorry not sorry bout what I said
I’m just try’na have some fun
Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t lose your head
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone
LOL, say oh well, or go to hell
I’m sorry not sorry ‘bout what I said
Don’t lose your head

VERSE 2
Boleyn: Three in the bed
And the little one said,
“If you wanna be wed

All: Make up your mind

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Boleyn: Her or me, chum,

Don’t wanna be some
Girl in a threesome
Are you blind?!”

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: ​ on’t be bitter

(to Aragon) D

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: (to Aragon)​ Cos I’m fitter

Others: Ooh hoo

Boleyn: Why hasn’t it hit her?

He doesn’t wanna bang you
Somebody hang you

BRIDGE 2
Others: UH OH

Boleyn: Here we go

Others: Your comment went viral

Boleyn: I didn’t really mean it but rumours spiral

Others: Wow, Anne, way to make the country hate you!

Boleyn: Wait, what was I meant to do?

CHORUS 2
Sorry not sorry bout what I said
I’m just tryna have some fun
Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t lose your head
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone
LOL, say oh well, or go to hell
I’m sorry not sorry ‘bout what I said
Don’t lose your head

VERSE 3
Boleyn: Tried to elope
But the Pope said “nope”
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Our only hope was

Others: Hen-ne-ry

Boleyn: He got a promotion

Caused a commotion
Set in motion

Others: The C of E

All: The rules

Boleyn: Were so outdated

Us two
Wanted to get X-Rated

All: Soon

Others: Ex-Communicated

Boleyn: Everybody chill

It’s totes God’s Will

WEDDING MARCH MUSIC

Boleyn: Hold up!​ ​Let me tell you how it went down

MIDDLE 8
Boleyn: Henry’s out every night on the town just sleeping around, like

All: WHAT THE HELL?

Boleyn: If that’s how it’s gonna be, maybe I’ll flirt with a guy (or three) just to

All: MAKE HIM JEL

Boleyn: Henry finds out and he goes mental

He screams and he shouts, like
So judgemental

“You damned witch!” Bro,

Just shut up
I wouldn’t be such a b-
 19

Others: (Gasp)

Boleyn: If you could get it up

BRIDGE 3
Others: UH OH

Boleyn: Here we go

Others: IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?!

Boleyn: And now he’s going round like “Off with her head!”

Others: No?

Boleyn: Yeah, I’m pretty sure he means it

Others: Seems it

Boleyn: What was I meant to do?

Others: What was she meant to do?

Boleyn: Like, what was I meant to do?

Others: What was she meant to do?

Boleyn: No, but what was I meant to do?

Others: WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?!

Boleyn: Oh my gosh guys, seriously, he actually wants to chop my head off. I mean, I
guess he just really liked my head… 5-6-7-8!

CHORUS 3
Sorry not sorry bout what I said
I’m just try’na have some fun
Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t lose your head
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone
LOL, say oh well, or go to hell
Sorry not sorry ‘bout what I said

Others: Sorry not sorry ‘bout what she said

 20

All: Sorry not sorry ‘bout what I said

Boleyn: Don’t lose your head

As the crowds return to their seats and regain their composure, the band brings in some plinky
plonky light underscoring around the chorus melody of ‘Don’t Lose Ur Head’

Boleyn: Yeah, what a weekend. I’m like dead

Howard: ...wait didn’t you actually die? ​(band abruptly stops)

Boleyn: Yeah it was so extra. ​(band returns)​ Anyway yeah, now I’m obvs the winner, I
think I’ll do another solo. So my next song is one I wrote about the moment when
I found out Catherine of Aragon had tragically died. ​(nods in condolence to
Aragon)​ It’s called, “Wearing Yellow to a Funeral,” please sing along if you know
the words.

Band plays the introduction to the bonus track ‘Wearing Yellow to a Funeral’

Catherine was a massive / -

General sceptical noises and protestations from the others, overlapping:

Howard: Woah woah woah

Seymour: Wait what?
Cleves: Er when did we decide you were the winner?
Parr: She wants another turn?
Aragon: Over my dead body...

Then to end the general hullabaloo:

Seymour: Yeah, anyway I’m pretty sure it’s my turn next

All slowly turn to Seymour

Cleves: You? Queen Please.

Boleyn: Excuse me

Parr: R u 4 real

Howard: Yeah, weren’t you the one he “truly loved”

Aragon: Um yeah, didn’t you finally give him the son he ​so desperately​ wanted
 21

Boleyn: Yeah like I had a daughter and he literally chopped my head off.

Seymour: Yeah ok you’re right, you’re right. I was lucky. I was really lucky. I was in love, I’d
just had a beautiful baby. Henry was happy cos, ‘thank god,’ it was an Edward -
not an Edwina... I was so excited. For his first steps. His first words. For not
getting a good night’s sleep for three years. But I never got to see any of that.

You know, people say Henry was stone-hearted. Uncaring. And I’m not sure he
was?

Boleyn: Yeah actually come to think of it, there was this one really cute time where I had
a daughter and he chopped my head off

Seymour: Ok look, I know his times with the Queens before me were hard. But they were
also full of fire. He raged and stormed at them and - because they were both
absolute badass monarchs - they raged and stormed right back.

A gentle little underscore comes in

But I didn’t do that. Instead, I stood by him - like ​I​ was made of stone - I stood
firm. No matter his flaws, his tempers - no matter my doubts or fears - I stayed
there. By his side.

And that’s not because I was scared, or naive, or weak. It’s because - I loved
him.

Song:​ ​HEART OF STONE

So, Henry...

VERSE 1
Seymour: You’ve got a good heart
But I know it changes
A restless tide
Untameable

You came my way

And I knew a storm could come too
You’d lift me high
Or let me fall

BRIDGE 1
 22

But I took your hand

And promised I’d withstand
Any blaze you blew my way

Cos something inside

It solidified
And I knew I’d always stay

CHORUS 1
You can build me up
You can tear me down
You can try but I’m
Unbreakable

You can do your best

But I’ll stand the test
You’ll find that I’m
Unshakeable

When the fire’s burned

When the wind has blown
When the water’s dried
You’ll still find stone
My heart of stone

VERSE 2
You say we’re perfect
‘A perfect family’
You hold us close
For the world to see

And when I say

You’re the only one I’ve ever loved
I mean those words
Truthfully

BRIDGE 2
But I know… without my son, your love could disappear
And no, it isn’t fair
But I don’t care
Cos ​my​ love would still be here

CHORUS 2
 23

Seymour: You can build me up

You can tear me down
You can try but I’m
Unbreakable

You can do your best

But I’ll stand the test
You’ll find that I’m
Unshakeable

When the fire’s burned

The wind has blown
The water’s dried
You’ll still find stone
My heart of stone

MIDDLE 8
Soon I’ll have to go
I’ll never see him grow
But I hope my son will know
He’ll never be alone

Cos like a river runs dry

And leaves its scars behind
I’ll be by your side
Cos my love is set in stone
Is set in stone

YEAAAAAHHHH

CHORUS 3
All: You can build me up ​(Seymour: riffing exquisitely)
You can tear me down
You can try but I’m
Unbreakable

You can do your best

But I’ll stand the test
You’ll find that I’m
Unshakeable

The fire’s burned

The wind has blown
The water’s dried
 24

Seymour: You’ll still find stone

My heart of stone
Can’t break me, can’t break me
Stone
Can’t break me, can’t break me
Stone
Can’t break me

Others: You can build me up

You can tear me down
You can try but
I’m unbreakable

You can do your best

But I’ll stand the test
You’ll find that
I’m unshakeable

The fire’s burned

The wind has blown
The water’s dried

Seymour: You’ll still find stone

My heart of stone.

Seymour: Because what hurts more than a broken heart?

Boleyn: A severed head.

Song: ​HAUS OF HOLBEIN

Cleves: Now
Seeing as Henry was running out of women to marry in England
He had to look a little further afield
Had to adjust his location settings if you will
To find his next Queen
We’re heading to Germany
Where he enlisted the help
Of the legendary painter:
HANS.
All: HOLBEIN.
 25

The following is all in a heightened German accent (e.g. velcome to ze haus):

Cleves: Welcome to the Haus

All: TO THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

JA!
OOH JA!
DAS IST GUT, OOH JA!
JA!
The Haus of Holbein

Parr: Hans Holbein goes around the world

Aragon: Painting all of the beautiful girls

Seymour: From Spain
Howard: To France
Cleves: And Germany

All: The King chooses one

Boleyn: But which one will it be?!

Aragon: You bring the corsets

Boleyn: We’ll bring the cinches

Cleves: No-one wants a waist over nine inches

Seymour: So what, the makeup contains lead poison?

Howard: At least your complexion will bring all the boys in

All: Ignore the fear

And you’ll be fine
We’ll turn this ​vier​ into a nine
So just say “​ja”
And don’t say “​nein”

Cos now you’re in the Haus

IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

JA!
 26

OOH JA!
DAS IST GUT, OOH JA!
JA!
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

Boleyn: We must make sure the princesses look great

When their​ ​time comes for a Holbein portrait

Aragon: We know what all the best inventions are

To hold everything up

Howard: Ja​, it’s ​Wunderbar!

Seymour: For blonder hair then you just add a magical ingredient
(From your bladder)

Parr: Try these heels

So high, it’s naughty

Seymour: (spoken like small print)​ But we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty

All: (back to heightened German) ​Ignore the fear

And you’ll be fine
We’ll turn this ​vier​ into a nine
So just say ​“ja”
And don’t say ​“nein”

Cos now you’re in the Haus

All: IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

OOH JA!
DAS IST GUT, OOH JA!
JA!
The Haus of Holbein

Aragon: The time has come for you to select a bride, your highness

Howard: May we present Christina of Denmark:

Christina of Denmark (Parr) is revealed.

Seymour: “Looking for mates, dates, and a British monarch with whom to secure the line of
succession. Winky face”
 27

Swipes left.

Boleyn: No? Well never mind, she has already made a match with the Duke of Milan
anyhow

Cleves: Ok. Next!

Amalia of Cleves (Howard) is revealed.

Boleyn: Your highness, may we present Amalia of Cleves

Parr: “Just a German girl, trying to live the English Dream” #NoCatholics #BigDowry

Swipes left.

Parr: Nein​? Ok, ​alles klar

Aragon: Who’s next?

They confer, before:

Boleyn: Ah! ​Fantastisch​!

Aragon: Wunderbar​!

Seymour: Super kool​!

They return to addressing the Big Man:

Aragon: Your highness, your highness, your highness: we are honoured to present to you:
Anna of Cleves.

Anna is revealed.

Boleyn: The most beautiful woman in the ​whole​ of the ​Holy​ Roman Empire

Parr: And let me assure you, Herr Holbein has certainly done her justice

Accordion builds. Swipes right.

Aragon: Ah! Sehr Gut! And I think we can say with some certainty you will be happily
married for many years to come
 28

Howard: Ah I can see it now! Henry VIII and his famous four wives!

Seymour: Oh no need to thank us, the pleasure has been ours

Song:​ ​HOLBEIN PLAYOUT

All: (beat kicks in) I​ N THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

Parr: The Haus of Holbein

From henceforth, the Queens return to their normal accents.

Anna of Cleves is left on a deserted stage. An emotional underscore of sad piano music swells.

Cleves: (​sad laugh​) I guess you already know what happened next, how I came to
England, hopeful, summoned after the King saw my portrait, and how I, with my
meagre looks the way they are ​(glances down @ immaculate dress and
physique),​ didn’t live up to his expectations. I mean, it’s the usual story, isn’t it:
the savvy, educated young princess deemed repulsive by a wheezing, wrinkled,
ulcer-riddled, man twenty-four years her senior.

Rejection. Rejection from a King! How could anyone overcome a fate as

devastating as being forced to move into a resplendent palace in Richmond, with
more money than I could ever spend in a lifetime, and not a single man around to
tell me what to do with it. I mean, seriously. Just tragic.

Song:​ ​GET DOWN

VERSE 1
Cleves: Sitting here all alone
On a throne
In the palace that I happen to​ o
​ wn
Bring me some pheasant
Keep it on the bone

Fill my goblet up to the brim

Sipping on mead
And I spill it on my dress with the gold lace trim
Not very prim and proper
Can’t make me stop

I wanna go hunting
 29

Any takers?
I’m not fake cos I’ve got acres and acres
Paid for with my own riches
Where my hounds at? Release the bitches!

Others: Woof.

Cleves: Everyday
Head back for a round croquet(ya)
Cos I’m a player
And tomorrow - I’ll hit replay

CHORUS 1
All: You

Cleves: You said that I tricked ya

All: Cos I

Cleves: I didn’t look like my profile picture

All: Too

Cleves: Too bad I don’t agree

So I’m gonna hang it up for everyone to see
And you can’t stop me cos

I’m the queen of the castle

Get down you dirty rascal
Get down
Get down
Get down you dirty rascal
Get down
Get down
Cos I’m the queen of the castle

VERSE 2
Cleves: When I get bored, I go to court

Pull up outside in my carriage, don’t got no marriage

So I have a little flirt with the footman
As he takes my fur

Others: (​gasp and freeze, looking at Cleves​)

 30

Cleves: As you were

Making my way to the dancefloor
Some boys make an advance I ignore them
Cos my jam comes on the lute
Looking cute

All: DAS IST GUT

Cleves: All eyes on me

All: No criticism
Cleves: I look more rad than
All: Lutheranism
Cleves: Dance so hard that I’m causing a sensation
Okay ladies, let’s get in Reformation

CHORUS 2
All: You

Cleves: You said that I tricked ya

All: Cos I

Cleves: I didn’t look like my profile picture

All: Too

Cleves: Too bad I don’t agree

So I’m gonna hang it up for everyone to see
And you can’t stop me cos

I’m the queen of the castle

Get down you dirty rascal
Get down
Get down
Get down you dirty rascal
Get down
Get down
Cos I’m the queen of the castle

MIDDLE 8
Cleves: Now I’m not saying I’m a gold digger
But check my prenup and go figure
 31

Got

All: Gold chains

Cleves: Symbolic of my faith to the higher power

In the

All: Fast lane

Cleves: My horses can trot up to twelve miles an hour

​ ot an English flower
Lemme explain - I’m a ​wienerschnitzel n
No one tells me l need a rich man
Doing my thing in my palace in Richmond

CHORUS 3
All: You
You said that I tricked ya (tricked ya)
Cos I
I didn’t look like my profile picture
Too
Too bad I don’t agree
So I’m gonna hang it up for everyone to see
And you CAN’T. STOP. YOU CAN’T STOP ME COS

Cleves: I’m the queen of the castle

Get down you dirty rascal

All: Get down

Get down
Get down you dirty rascal

Meanwhile:

Cleves: ​ ome on you

(finds someone in audience - and encourages them to get up) C
babe, get up, go on get up get up etc.

If audience member gets up:

Alright, that’s enough, GET DOWN ​(in time with the BVs still singing ‘get
down’)

If audience member doesn’t get up:

Aww too tired to get up for me? Reminds me of my ex husband… EYYY
 32

All: Get down / Cleves: riffing

Get down
Cleves: Cos I’m the Queen of the Castle

Sad piano returns.

Cleves: So yeah, it was really heartbreaking

Aragon: Er that doesn’t sound difficult at all?

Sad piano stops.

Cleves: Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I probably won’t win then. Oh well, back to the
palace…​ (‘Get Down’-esque BAM)

Boleyn: So now there’s one horse out of the race…

Cleves: Rude

Boleyn: Let’s take a moment to check in with the competition. So who’s still in the
running? Will it be the devoted wife, the divorcee, or the one who ​actually​ had
problems to deal with...

Seymour: Problems? My son had to deal with the ​loss​ of his ​mother

Boleyn: Wow yeah, kinda like how my body had to deal with the loss of its head

Aragon: Queens, come on now. Can’t you see what’s happening? Comparing your losses
isn’t going to change the fact that I’ve already won. I mean - I was literally
shipped over from a foreign country not knowing a word of English to marry some
random dude

Cleves: Oh my god same!

Aragon: Okay fine, but then when Henry decided he’d had enough of me, he didn’t even
have the decency to say goodbye

Howard: Same

Boleyn: Oh yeah same. Nice neck, by the way ​(K-Howard and Boleyn high five)

Aragon: Alright fine. How about this: when my one and only child had a raging fever,
Henry wouldn’t even let me, her ​mother​, / see her...
 33

Seymour: OH BOO HOO, BABY MARY HAD THE CHICKEN POX AND YOU WEREN’T
THERE TO HOLD HER HAND; YOU KNOW IT’S FUNNY, BECAUSE WHEN I
WANTED TO HOLD MY NEWBORN SON, I DIED!!!!!!

Cleves: GUYS I HAVE THE PLAGUE

Others: What?

Cleves: Lol just kidding, my life’s amazing

Others: Ugh

Parr: Ok… you know what, I think it’s time we heard from our next queen: K-Howard

Boleyn: ​ abe, who’s that again?

(aside to Aragon) B

Aragon: Oh ummm… I ​think...​ she’s the least relevant Catherine?

Boleyn: Oh yeah yeah now I ​(as if she’s going to say ‘remember’) s​ till don’t care

Howard: Haha. Funny.

Aragon: Yeah speaking of funny, good luck with trying to compete with us, honey ​(BAM)

Howard: You’re right. I’m gonna need all the luck I can get. Your lives sounded terrible.
And your songs really helped to convey that.

I mean, Catherine, almost moving into a nunnery and then not!? That almost
could have been really hard for you!

And Anne, getting your head chopped off, surely that means you’ll win the
​ ivorced, beheaded,
competi… wait hang on ​(counts to self under her breath) d
died, divorced, behea- oh wait, never mind

And Jane, dying of natural causes…. ​(fake crying) ​when will justice be
served?!?!!?

And surviving.

But seriously, Anna, all jokes aside, being rejected for your looks legit sounds
really rough. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I mean look at me! ​(starts to
list)​ I’m really hot …​ (ceases listing).​ So yeah, I can’t even begin to think of how
I’d compete with you all OH WAIT LIKE THIS:
 34

Song: ​ALL YOU WANNA DO

Others: All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby

Howard: I think we can all agree I’m the 10 amongst these threes

Others: All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby

Howard: And ever since I was child, I’d make the boys go wild

Others: All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby

Howard: Take my first music teacher

Henry Mannox

I was young, it’s true, but even then I knew

The only thing you wanna do is ​*kiss* ahh

VERSE 1
Broad, dark, sexy Mannox
Taught me all about dynamics
He was 23
And I was 13 going on 30

We spent hours strumming the lute

Striking the chords and blowing the flute
He plucked my strings all the way to G
Went from major to minor, C to D

BRIDGE 1
Tell me what you need, what you want, you don’t need to plead
Cos I feel the chemistry, like I get you and you get me

Excited teenager with a crush:

And maybe this is it

He just cares so much, it feels legit
We have a connection
I think this guy is different

CHORUS 1
 35

Cos all you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is
Touch me, love me, can’t get enough, see
All you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is
Please me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me
Run your fingers through my hair
Tell me I’m the fairest of the fair

All: Playtime’s over

Howard: The only thing you wanna do is ​*kiss* ahh

VERSE 2
So then there was another guy, Frances

And at the time, I was living at my Step-Grandma’s house

He was working for her - working so so hard

So he asked me to be his little piece of ass...istant

Serious, stern and slow

Gets what he wants and he won’t take no
Passion in all that he touches
The sexy secretary to the Dowager Duchess

Helped him in his office, had a duty to fulfil

He even let me use his favourite quill
Spilled ink all over the parchment, my wrist was so tired
Still I came back the next day as he required

BRIDGE 2
You say I’m all you need, all you want, you don’t need to plead
I feel the chemistry, I get you and you get me

More conviction now:

And I know this is it

He just cares so much, this one’s legit
We have a real connection
I’m sure this time is different

CHORUS 2
Cos all you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is
Touch me, love me, can’t get enough, see
 36

All you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is

Please me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me
You can’t wait a second more
To get my corset on the floor

All: Playtime’s over

Howard: The only thing you wanna do is ​*kiss* ahh

VERSE 3
Howard: So yeah that didn’t work out.

Turns out some guys just employ women to get them into their private chambers.
(sigh) ​It was a different time back then.

So, I decided to have a break from boys

Just focus on my career

Then my dad got me this amazing work placement in court

And you’ll never guess who I met

Tall, large, Henry the Eighth

Supreme Head of the Church of England.
Globally revered
Although you wouldn’t know it from the look of that beard

Made me a lady in waiting

Hurled me and my family up in the world
Gave me duties in court and he swears it’s true
That without me, he doesn’t know what he’d do!

BRIDGE 3
You say I’m all you need, all you want, we both agree
This is the place for me, I’m finally where I’m meant to be

Then he starts saying all this stuff

He “cares so much,” he calls me “love”
He says we have this “connection”
(weary)​ I guess it’s not so different

CHORUS 3
 37

Bored with it by now:

Cos all you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is
Touch me, love me, can’t get enough see
All you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is
Seize me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me
There’s no time for when or how
Cos you just gotta have me now

All: Playtime’s over

Howard: The only thing you wanna do is ​*kiss* ahh

VERSE 4
Howard: ​ o we got married. Woo.
(flatly) S

Sincerely; no longer playing up to the innuendos at all:

With Henry it isn’t easy

His temper’s short and his friends are sleazy
Except for this one courtier
He’s a really nice guy, just so sincere

The royal life isn’t what I planned

But Thomas is there to lend a helping hand
So sweet, makes sure that I’m okay
And we hang out loads​ ​when the King’s away

BRIDGE 4
This guy, finally, is what I want, the friend I need
Just friends, no chemistry, I get him and he gets me

And there’s nothing more to it

He just cares so much, he’s devoted
He says we have a ​(slows, realising) c​ onnection

Beat.

I thought this time was different

Why did I think he’d be different?
But it’s never. ever. different.

CHORUS 4
Cos all you wanna do, all you wanna do babe is
Touch me, when will enough be enough, see
 38

All you wanna do, all you wanna do, babe, is

Squeeze me, don’t care if you don’t please me
Bite my lip and pull my hair
As you tell me I’m the fairest of the fair

All: Playtime’s over

Playtime’s over
Playtime’s over

Howard: The only thing

The only thing
The only thing you wanna do is ​*kiss* ahh

Howard: And ​then I​ was beheaded. Wow. I know, I know, so I guess seeing as I’ve now
​ anna do is take this opportunity to thank all the
won the competition, all ​I w
powerful men who got me where I am today... ​(signals for the band to come in
and play the show out)...c​ ouldn’t have done it without you! Thank you and
goodnight! / Chicago you’ve been amazing, safe travels home - thank you etc.

Others: Woah woah woah / wait just one second / stop! stop! etc.

Seymour: Umm hold on ​(band cuts) ​- yeah, you had it bad, but that was not the most
heart-wrenching song we’ve heard this evening…

Howard: Er sorry were you not listening to my song? There were FOUR choruses! That’s
how much *SHH* I had to deal with

Seymour: Oh sorry yeah so true when you died your son did have grow up without a
moth...oh wait that was me and no one cared when ​you​ died!

Boleyn: Jane, chill out. It’s not her fault that no one remembers her bland and uneventful
life. ​(to Howard)​ Babes, honestly, I don’t want it to be weird between us, just cos
my beheading was the result of years of ​actual​ trauma and humiliation...

Aragon: Oh pipe down, “Anne”. ​You​ seriously wanna talk about humiliation? Ok well,
when I was Queen, Henry had not one ​(BAM)​ not two ​(BAM BAM)​ but three,
historically confirmed mistresses ​(BAM BAM BAM)

Boleyn: (fake hysterical crying: see Ross from Friends “fine by me”)​ omg mistresses, poor
y- GET OVER IT. When ​I w ​ as Queen: I had not one ​(BAM)​ not two ​(BAM BAM)
but three ​(BAM BAM BAM)​ MISCARRIAGES

All: Reactions ‘omg she went there’ etc.

 39

Aragon: Well, you know what Anne Bo-loser, I had ​(BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM)​ FIVE
miscarriages

Cleves: Ooookeeeyyyy....let’s just move on shall we? Come on Queens. Catherine, it’s
your turn babe: take it away.

The other Queens grumble into their formation for the song Catherine Parr USUALLY DOES
EVERY NIGHT WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE, Cleves placing Parr downstage centre as she
speaks. Queens continue to mutter at each other - “we’ll continue this after” vibes - but move
into their opening pose for Parr’s song. A lil snarey drum beat kicks in as if she’s gonna do a ‘No
Way’-style intro.

Parr: (thinks for a moment) ​You know what I’m good

Others, frozen in their position, don’t know what to do

Parr: Yeah… I just, I can’t keep doing this

Boleyn: Haha..ha…​(through gritted teeth) ​what?

Parr: Sorry… Sorry for...​ ​I just.. I don’t know… Like, it’s just- we’re here in front of all
these people, being like: ‘ooh, let’s see what gets the biggest cheer, trauma or
abuse!!!! Woohoo” - like, should we really be doing this?

Sey: I mean we’ve literally been doing that for the last hour so…

Parr: I know but...like...miscarriages? Really? Isn’t that a bit...?

Others: Oooooooooh
Cleves: Someone’s got a conscience all of a sudden
Howard: Oooh I’m Catherine Parr I draw the line in arbitrary places bla bla bla
Aragon: You know what Queens, she just knows she’s not gonna win
Seymour: So now she’s trying to make us look stupid instead of playing by the rules like
everyone else

Others: Slow claps / ​Well played Catherine / So noble / What a gal / stick to the backing
vocals hun etc.

Parr: Ugh, that’s so not why I’m…​(the Queens carry on making fun of her) D ​ on’t you
see that this whole thing is just... What can I do to make you-…? ​(Lightbulb
moment - Parr has an idea.)​ Ok. Ok OKAY ​(the other Queens shut their gobs).
You know what Queens, if it’s a sob story you want, I will give you one.
 40

Howard: You sure Catherine? You sure you don’t wanna stick to the backing vocals, you
know, where you belong?

Parr: No, you’re right, I should sing a song. It’s only fair… ​(to the ladies in waiting)
Ladies - how about tonight we try something a bit… different? Joan,​ c​ ould you
give me a cheeky lil... B-flat major seventh…?

Joan shrugs and nods - she can play literally anything.

Perfect.

So, um, just for a bit of context, I’ve actually had my fair share of marriages.
Something Henry and I have in common, I guess.. Though unlike him, I did
manage to get through them without decapitating anyone. I know - gold star for
Cathy Parr.

But the thing is, they had this really annoying habit of passing away. And so as
well as dealing with, you know, incapacitating grief, I also had to keep finding
new husbands to avoid being ostracised. Yep - Tudor womanhood - would
recommend.

And then one day, finally, I meet this guy: Thomas. He seemed like he might stick
around for a while and, you guessed it, he turned out to be the love of my life. ​(to
an audience member - as if to say ‘I know - how cliche am I?’) I​ know right. We
had this plan to get married, actually.

But that’s when Henry turned up, single and ready to make an unsuspecting
woman his wife... Just my luck.

So, that was that. I had to write a letter to Thomas. Ending things.

Song:​ ​DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE

Dear Thom,

VERSE 1

Parr: You know I love you boy

In every single way
Though I love you boy
I’ll miss you every day
 41

Oh I love you boy

I wish that I could stay with you
And keep the life I made with you

BRIDGE 1
And even though this feels so right
I’m holding back the tears tonight

CHORUS 1
It’s true
I’ll never be over you
Cos I have built a future in my mind with you
And now the hope is gone
There’s nothing left for me to do
You know it isn’t true, but I must say to you
That I don’t need your love, no, no
I don’t need your love, no, no
It’ll never be better than it was, no, no,
But I don’t need your love

VERSE 2
I’ve got no choice
With the King I stay alive
Never had a choice
Been a wife twice before just to survive
I don’t have a choice
If Henry says it’s you, then it’s you
No matter how I feel it’s what I have to do

BRIDGE 2
But if somehow I had that choice
No holding back, I’d raise my voice

CHORUS 2
I’d say: Henry, yeah, it’s true
I’ll never belong to you
Cos I am not your toy
To enjoy ‘til there’s something new
As if I’m gonna give up my boy, my work, my dreams
To care for you
Darling get a clue
 42

There’s nothing you can do

I don’t need your love, no, no

No, I don’t need your love, no, no
There’s nothing left to discuss, no, no
Cos I don’t need your love, no, no

Parr: (spoken) ​But the thing is, I can’t say that. Not to the King.
So this is goodbye.
All my love,
Catherine.

MIDDLE 8:
So I sent that letter to my love
Got married to the King
Became the one who survived
I’ve told you about my life: “the final wife”
But why should that story be the one I have to sing about just to win?
I’m out.
That’s not my story
There’s so much more

Remember that I was a writer

I wrote books, and psalms, and meditations,
Fought for female education
So all my women could independently study scripture
I even got a woman to paint my picture
Why can’t I tell that story?
Cos in history
I’m fixed as one of six
And without him, I disappear, we all disappear

Underscored, unadulterated CHAT.

Boleyn: Wait, I don’t get it

Parr: Ok look, why does anyone know who we are?

Boleyn: …My sixth finger.

Aragon: Put it away, babe

Parr: No ok, let me put it a different way: who was Henry VII’s wife?
 43

Boleyn: Um… I don’t know?

Parr: ​ nyone?
(to other Queens, NOT to audience!) A

Others: (adlibs) ​No idea / Beats me / Hmm idk

Parr: Ok. Who was Henry VI’s wife?

All: I don’t know

Parr: And who was Henry V’s wife?

All: We don’t know / Howard: Catherine de Valois, I mean I don’t know

Parr: The point is, the only reason any of these people have come here tonight is
because once upon a time...

Aragon: ...the same guy fell in love with us

Parr: Right

Seymour: So we can sing our hearts out

Cleves: And get down like it’s 1499

Parr: But if we hadn’t married Henry VIII…

Aragon: No one would want to hear our stories

Howard: But wait… isn’t there a bigger problem here?

Aragon: The dissolution of the monasteries

Howard: No, I’m talking about us. Cos as soon as we get together as a group / ...

Boleyn: Everyone notices Jane can’t dance, yeah, you’re so / right

Howard: That’s exactly what I’m talking about...

Seymour: Er -

Howard: ...we compare ourselves

Seymour: Oh
 44

Howard: And when we’re ‘the six wives’ of Henry VIII, we each become just that:

Aragon: ‘One of’ his wives

Parr: One of

All: ​ IX
(sung, despondently) S

Boleyn: Omg I get it - since the only thing we have in common is our husband, grouping
us is an inherently comparative act, and as such it necessarily elevates a
historical approach ingrained in patriarchal structures – yeah, I read.

Parr: So basically - we’re stuck.

They all make noises of frustration, culminating in:

Seymour: What a waste of time.

Aragon: Well, guess there’s not much we can do about it now

An awkward silence. They metaphorically twiddle their thumbs and scuff their shoes, not sure
what to do.

Howard: Do you know what?

Cleves: What?

Howard: I wish that like ​before​ we spent the whole show competing, we’d realised it would
turn out to be such a mess

All: Yeah same / Hmm yeah / Ugh that would’ve been good

Parr: Yeah cos if we ​had​ realised, then we could’ve just done something else...like
maybe even a ​fake​ competition to ​show​ everyone how messed up comparing us
is

Aragon: Ugh yeah and ​then​ we could’ve found some cool way to like, I don’t know,
‘reclaim our stories’ and like ‘all become the leading ladies’

Boleyn: (disappointed) ​Awwwhh we could have done that as a song!

Seymour: Ugh that would have tied things together so neatly.

 45

Cleves: If ​only​ we’d thought of that before…

All the Queens look to camera.

Parr: THIS IS THE

ALL: REMIX

Song: ​DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE REMIX

VERSE 1
Aragon: So we had no choice?

Boleyn: But now it’s us alone

Seymour: So we’ve got no choice

Cleves: No we’ve got no choice

Howard: We’re taking back the microphone

Parr: I’m gonna raise my voice

All: They’ve always said we need your love

But it’s time for us to rise above

BRIDGE 1
All: It’s not what went down in history
But tonight I’m singing this for me

CHORUS 1
All: Henry, yeah, I’m through
Too many times it’s been told
And I have had enough
Love stories soon get old
And you might think it’s tough
But I’ve got to let your love run cold
We’re taking back control
You need to know:

I don’t need your love, no, no

No I don’t need your love, no, no
Can’t let him get the better of us, no, no
I don’t need your love, no, no
 46

Parr: (adlibs like an absolute QUEEN. Just go to town - riff to ruffle their ruffs!!)

All: I don’t need your love (no) no (no, I don’t) no (no, I don’t need it)
I don’t need your love (no) no (no, I don’t) no (no, I don’t need it)
I don’t need your love (no) no (no, I don’t) no (no, I don’t need it)
I don’t need your looooooove
We don’t need your love!

Parr: CHICAGO! We have a voice ​(BAM / WOO)

We said we have a ​(riff) v​ oice ​(BAM / WOO)

Cleves: And you know what - we might just be remembered for being married to the
same man...

Aragon: But why does anyone give a *SHH* who he is?

Boleyn: His continental campaigning?

Seymour: His religious reforms?

Aragon: Well actually…

Howard: It’s not the time Catherine

Parr: Or do you think it might be - I don’t know - cos of his:

All: SI-IX WIIIIVES!!?? ​(BIG FANCY DRUMS)

They all embody the idea of being like ‘omg stop, omg ur so kind, omg thank u so much’

Howard: So before we go, Chicago, what do you reckon…are you ready for a ROYAL.
HAPPY. EVER. AFTER??????

Audience: YESSSSS WOOOOOOO!

Howard: Well we don’t have one.

Seymour: We wish we could tell you our lives had happy endings.

Cleves: But in reality, they didn’t.

 47

Parr: And there’s nothing we can do to change that.

Boleyn: Ever.

Lights start to fade to black.

OH WAIT (BAM) this is our show and we can literally have whatever ending we
want?!?!?!

Howard: So, Chicago, seeing as there’s five minutes left of the show…

Cleves: We’ve decided to give you our own

Seymour: Slightly edited version

Cleves: Of what “actually” went down all those years ago

Parr: Cos after all...

Song:​ ​SIX

Parr: We’re one of a kind

Howard: No category

Cleves: Too many years

Seymour: Lost in his story

Boleyn: We’re free

Aragon: To take our crowning glory

All: For five more minutes, we’re SIX

Aragon: Alright Queens, shall we do a little histo-rewrite?

Others: Might as well / yeah ok / can’t hurt / why not

Parr: Aragon, you wanna go first?

Aragon: Me? Wow I guess I could for a change??!!

BEAT KICKS IN
 48

VERSE 1
Aragon: He got down on one knee but I said “No Way”
Packed my bags, and moved into a n-n-nunneray
Joined the gospel choir
Our riffs were on fire
At the top of the charts is where I’m gonna stay

Boleyn: Henry sent me a poem all about my green sleeves

I changed a couple words, put it on a sick beat ​(sick beat arrives)
The song blew their minds
Next minute I was signed
And now I’m writin’ lyrics for Shakesy P

Seymour: Since my first son, my family’s grown

We made a band and got quite well known,
You could perhaps
Call us the Tudor Von Trapps
(Spoken:) ​Only kidding,
(Sung:) ​We’re called the Royalling Stones...ha

CHORUS 1
All: We’re one of a kind, no category
Too many years lost in his story
We’re free to take our crowning glory
For five more minutes
We’re SIX

VERSE 2
Cleves: What a shame that my face
It cost me the crown
So I moved to the
All: HAUS OF HOLBEIN
In my hometown
His friends were super arty
But I showed them how to party
Now on my tour of Prussia, everybody gets down

Howard: Music man tried it on and I was like “bye”

So I thought, “who needs him? I can give it a try!”
I learned everything
Now all I do is sing
And I’ll do that until I die
 49

Parr: Heard all about these rockin’ chicks

Loved every song and each remix
So I went out and found them
And we laid down an album
Now I don’t need your love
All I need is SIX

All: Adlibs like “Oh my gosh that’s so sweet / so cute / aww babe / bless you /
awwww ily guys” before they are cut off by a big BAM in the music and
they strike a pose

CHORUS 2
All: We’re one of a kind, no category
Too many years lost in his story
We’re free to take our crowning glory
For five more minutes
We’re SIX
Woah woah
We’re SIX
Woah oh oh
We’re SIX
Woah woah
For four more minutes

MIDDLE 8
All: It’s the end of the show, of the histo-remix
We switched up the flow and we changed the prefix
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives

But we wanna say before we drop the curtain

Nothing is for sure, nothing is for certain
All that we know is that we used to be six wives

But now we’re

CHORUS 3
One of a kind, no category
Too many years lost in his story
We’re free to take our crowning glory
For three more minutes

We’re one of a kind, no category

Too many years lost in his story
 50

We’re free to take our crowning glory

For two more minutes
We’re SIX - woah woah
We’re SIX - woo-o-oah
We’re SIX - woah woah
For FIVE
FOUR
THREE
TWO
ONE MORE MINUTE

We’re SIX!

Howls of ‘encore’ reverberate around the cavernous auditorium. The audience rise, as one, to
their collective feet. Children weep. Parents sob. They’ve just witnessed the theatrical event of
the millennium. Out of a haze of smoke and talent re-emerge the six Queens.

Howard: Chicago, do you want one more song?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Howard: Alright - stay/get on your feet everyone! Maria, HIT IT!

Song: ​THE MEGASIX

Sick Beat Comes In. Lights change dramatically. 3 counts of 8 - just a beat without any tonal
information

Aragon: Chicago, clap your hands!

Cleves: Get your phones out - you’re gonna wanna film this /
OR​ - Tell your friends cos they’re gonna wanna see this

Parr: But most importantly - get ready to daaaaanceee!!!

Party lights going wild. Each Lady In Waiting gets another little solo-y moment.

Boleyn: Make some noise for Maggie!!!!!!

Maggie plays greensleeves-y riff on guitar.

Cleves: Big up Bessie!!!!!!!!

 51

Bessie plays greesleeves-y riff on bass.

Seymour: Show some love for Joan!!!!!!!

Joan plays greensleeves-y riff on keys.

Aragon: And it’s Senorita Maria!!!!!!!!!

Maria bangs those drums like her sleeves are green and also on fire.

All: ARE YOU READY?

CHICAGO

Aragon: HERE WE GO!

Aragon: You must think that I’m crazy

You wanna replace me, baby
There’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-no way!

Aragon: If you thought you could leave me

You must think I’m naive
Please believe me
There’s

All: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-not sorry

Boleyn: Sorry not sorry bout what I said

I’m just tryna have some fun-

Aragon: N-n-no way

Boleyn: Don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t lose your head

I didn’t mean to hurt anyone

Seymour: You can / Boleyn: LOL

You can / Boleyn: SAY OH WELL
You can try but I’m
Unbreakable / Howard: All you wanna / do

All: Do your best

 52

But I’ll stand the test

You’ll find that I’ve

Seymour: Got a heart of

All: Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-one

Cleves: All alone, on a throne, in a palace that I happen to / own

Howard: Only thing you wanna / do

Cleves: Too bad I don’t agree

Cos I’m the Queen of the Castle
Get down you dirty rascal-al-/al

Howard: All you wanna do, all you wanna do babe is

Sing along to your favourite queen’s song!
All you wanna do, all you wanna do babe is
Love me, love me, L-L-L-L-/ +PARR: L-L-L-L-

Parr: Love, no no
I don’t need your love, no, no
I don’t need your love, no, no
We don’t need your
All: Looooove

Cos we’re so much more than

Aragon: DIVORCED

Boleyn: BEHEADED

Seymour: DIED

Cleves: DIVORCED

Howard: BEHEADED

Parr: SURVIVED

All: We’re

SI-IX!
 53

Seymour: Hit it!

Fin.