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This entire course has been about kinky sex: sensation games, role playing, power
games and bondage are all ways of adding kink to your sex life. But what about kinking
up sex itself? The next couple dates are going to explore some fun ways to get kinky
with sex itself.

Rough Sex

Rough sex is incredibly hot for many people.

We are taught that sex should be romantic, sweet and tender. While this kind of sex is
amazing sometimes, it is certainly not the only kind of sex. Many people crave
ferocious, intense, rough sex once in awhile.

Rough sex usually involves lots of sensation, such as biting, scratching, hair pulling and
slapping.

Rough sex can use a power dynamic, allowing one partner to take charge. But it can
also be fun to fuck as equals, both bringing lots of energy and passion to the encounter,
both digging into to the other with equal ferocity. This kind of erotic wrestling is a fun
way to have rough sex, as you struggle with power to see who can “take down” the
other.

One of the most important things to remember about rough sex is that your pain
threshold depends on your arousal. The more aroused you are, the more intense
sensation you can take without flipping into the "ouch" territory. Have you ever found a
bite mark or scratch marks the morning after sex? In the moment, that sensation
probably thrilled you. The same act without arousal would simply hurt. Even if you are
aiming for totally rough, no holds barred sex, make sure to warm up slowly and let the
intensity rise at an organic pace. Before you add any intense stimulation such as
slapping, spanking or biting, make sure you have included arousing stimulation and
ease into the intensity just like you did when we were exploring sensation play.

Rough sex can include hard, heavy intercourse. Again, make sure to warm up and get
her fully aroused before penetration. Start slowly and keep building up the intensity until
you find the place of "just right."

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Here are some of the more common elements of rough sex. As we read through, circle
the ones that appeal to you and cross out the ones that turn you off.

Hair Pulling

Fully Body Biting

Face Slapping

Spitting

Butt Spanking

Scratching

Choking

Wrestling

Being Thrown Onto The Bed

Being Fucked Up Against The Wall

Being Fucked Doggy Style

Breath Play

Open Fist Pummeling

Dirty Talk

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Here are a few tips for having rougher sex:

Use The Force

When engaging in rough sex, think about using force to stimulate and engage your
partner. Force is deliberate, a channeled focus of strength and power. Force is not
reckless, it is intentional. Mindfully using force rather than just flailing about will prevent
injury and make sure your rough sex stays pleasurable instead of becoming sloppy.
Being mindful also keeps you in the present moment, so you can more fully enjoy the
experience you are sharing.

Slow It Down

As intensity builds, your speed might start racing. Get a good hold, then slow way down.
Get really close, and let your lover just feel the heat of your breath on their skin. Then
let them feel your tongue trailing along their skin, then take a nibble, then ramp it up
again.

The more forceful you want to be, the more graceful you need to be. Dance, martial arts
or yoga classes are a great way to learn more about how your body moves, so you can
be forceful and confident.

Breath Play
Erotic asphyxiation is one of the kinkier desires that hits the news every few years when
someone dies from it, sometimes during masturbation and sometimes with a partner. It’s
no joke: cutting off your partner’s airways is one of the quickest ways that kinky sex can
go from hot to devastating. NEVER put any cord or rope around your lover’s neck under
any circumstances.

But this doesn’t mean you can’t play with the extremely hot sensation of being denied
breath. Here’s what you do instead: use the potent force of mental domination to deny
your lover’s breath. Place your hand gently on your lover’s throat, look them in the eye
and command “Take a deep breath in. Now do NOT breathe until I tell you to!” Then
keep fucking or stimulating them in whatever way you wish. Holding their breath will
bring an urgent thrill to the moment. Then, just as they start struggling, command them
again “Now, exhale.” Sweet air will rush in and they’ll get a little high.

Ultimately, the body won’t let itself pass out from not breathing (as long as the airways
aren’t obstructed) so this is a safe way to play. Please don’t let your lover struggle too
long without breath. Just at the point they start squirming is a great moment to let them
take another breath.

You can also play with commanding them to breathe deeper. As you create intense
sensations, demand that they take big deep breaths. This will flood their system with
oxygen and get them higher on endorphins!

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Open Fist Pummeling
Never “punch” your partner with a closed, hard fist. This is asking for injury for one or
both of you. But if you want to create deep, thuddy sensations you can use a relaxed
open fist to smack one another around a bit. A loose fist is just that - your hand is in a
fist like position but without any tension. Your hand is still relaxed. Use the back of your
hand rather than your knuckles to slap your lover’s skin. This creates a nice, broad,
thuddy sensation but won’t hurt either of you.

Get Bestial

One way to create a rough sex experience is by channeling your inner beast. In reality,
wild animals have rather boring sex (look it up on Youtube!) but by channeling the
qualities of ferocity, uninhibited wildness and uncultured passion, we can free ourselves
to have great rough sex experiences. You can release parts of yourself by thinking
about the qualities of animals you may want to embody. Can you give yourself
permission to growl and roar? Do you want to hunt and devour your lover like a
predator?

For instance:

Bear: Big, powerful. Roars and slashes with claws.

Lion: Proud, focused. Pounces on prey.

Wolf: Loyal, fierce. Tears into prey with teeth.

What animal qualities might you take on during a round of rough sex?

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Ravishment

We just explored rough sex. Now, we turn to ravishment. The line between these two
experiences is thin, but worth the distinction.

Rough sex is about a mutual experience of intensity.

Ravishment is about one partner consuming the other in full, forceful passion.

Ravishment takes place when one partner has so much desire for the other that it can
not be contained, and that desire fuels the intensity of the consummation.

Ravishment vs. Rape Fantasy

Ravishment often gets confused with "rape fantasy."

“Rape fantasy” is said to be the most common sexual fantasy amongst women. Most
studies find that about 50% of women and 40% of men fantasize about being forced into
sexual activity by an overpowering partner. But very few of these men and women
would ever name the experience of rape as an actual desire. Perhaps many are truly
craving Ravishment.

Rape is nonconsensual sexual violence. We think we should reserve that word for the
act of violence and assault that it describes, and not mix it up with the consensual
experience of ravishment.

Ravishment is forceful, lusty and passionate sex with a strong element of dominance
and surrender. Ravishment is the experience of being utterly consumed in your
partner’s desire.

While most often Ravishment is understood as the female partner being ravished by a
powerful male, there is no gender limitations to Ravishment. Men, too, can get off on
being desired and consumed. Many men love the experience of being pursued by an
aggressive, dominant woman. Women can ravish other women, and men can ravish
other men. No matter who is ravishing who, it has the same elements of a dominant
claiming of a submissive lover and complete erotic sensory overwhelm.

Ravishment is an experience that must be consented to ahead of time, and then

orchestrated with finesse and confidence. The tricky part is, you might both be excited
about a ravishment scene and consent to trying it sometime. Then, the dominant
partner may get in the zone and go for it, only to discover that the submissive partner
isn’t in the mood at all. Maybe they have a stomach bug or a work issue is on their
mind. The dominant partner is left hanging and both of you might end up feeling
deflated.

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Here’s our suggestion: choose a household object to become an unspoken signal of the
submissive partner’s willingness. Perhaps you have an object from an adventure you
have had together, a sculpture, a crystal or a stone. When the submissive partner is in
the mood, they place this object on the bedside table as a “green light.” When the
dominant partner sees this signal, they know it is a good time to pounce.

Instead of shooting for the moon and trying to master the skills of ravishment all at once,
we’re going to encourage you to flex your erotic muscles and ease into it.

Here are elements of the ravishment scenario. Mix and match elements until you find
the combinations that work for both of you!

Surprise Attack:

One common element of ravishment is being surprised or caught off guard, “captured”
or “abducted” and then forced into sexual engagement. The safest way to do this is a
surprise attack in the home.

While some people have strong fantasies about being abducted or attacked in public,
we strongly recommend leaving this to fantasy alone. In the age of security cameras,
even staging a surprise attack could lead to police intervention, which is probably not
part of your desired scenario!

Anonymity:

It can be hard to convince yourself that you are being brutally ravished by your dear
loving husband. Using a face covering to create the illusion of anonymity can help. A ski
mask, handkerchief or other face mask can create the psychological distance to get
deeper into the fantasy of being taken, even if you clearly know it is your loving partner
behind that mask.

Desire and Longing:

In ravishment scenes, the ravished partner is so desirable it becomes irresistible to the

dominant partner. This desire can be expressed physically and verbally. Kiss them like
you are hungry for their flesh and touch them with urgent desire. Ravishment is a
passionate consumption. The dominant partner can not contain their desire, and claims
the submissive partner with full force.

Unrelenting Force:

Ravishment is unrelenting - once it begins, the momentum does not let up until the
desire has been fully quenched. There is no hesitation or caution.

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Physical Overwhelm:

Ravishment involves full physical overwhelm: use of force, oral consumption, urgent
penetration. Use your body weight to pin your partner to the bed and hold or pin or
constrain their arms above their head. If they struggle back, double down on your force
(unless they safeword of course!)

Forceful Penetration:

While we always recommend that the receiving partner is fully aroused before
penetration takes place, in a ravishment scene the penetration is usually urgent and
forceful. Hopefully, the entire scene dynamic has created enough arousal that
penetration still feels good and the body is ready for it. But you can experiment with
using a little extra force and driving deeper to create the experience of forceful
penetration. Please note: vaginal and oral penetration is more forgiving than anal. If you
want to try anal sex as part of a ravishment scene, you must be highly proficient at anal
sex in other contexts, continue to use lube and still penetrate as the body allows.
Forcing anal penetration, no matter what the fantasy context, can cause lasting injury!

Conversation Starters:

Take some time to talk about your interest and desires about rough sex and ravishment.

Here are a few questions to get you started.

◦ Which elements of rough sex are appealing to you? Which elements are turn
offs?

◦ Are you interested in rough sex, ravishment, or both?

◦ What might ravishment look like within our relationship?

◦ Do you want to pre-negotiate and consent to a ravishment scenario that we could

then surprise one another with?

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