H E S S E L B E I N & C O M P A N Y

HOW TO
“WIN AS ONE”
WITH OTHER
TALENTED
PROFESSIONALS
Mo l l y T sc h a ng

N
ick spends two weeks working up the courage to ask his boss for a raise. His
boss, Emily, spends those same two weeks working up the courage to fire Nick,
because he just doesn’t seem to “get” how things work on Emily’s team.
Two people, in the same business, scared to have a conversation, and living in very
different realities. Neither one knew how to create a shared reality. If they did, Nick
would be well-paid and Emily’s team would be rocking.
Our relationships with ourselves and others make or break our success. The group or individual
with highest intelligence or skill set does not necessarily come out on top. Those who get to a
shared reality make the best decisions, execute with speed, and deliver outstanding outcomes.
Shared reality results when two or more people take the time and effort to build a common
view of the world around them. This view can be narrow, such as: what kind of people with
what talents and experience do we want to hire for our startup? Or it can be far-reaching, as
in: how do we know our employees understand and buy into our vision?
This, by the way, is a step that many skip. Some of us skip it occasionally, and some of us
skip it every single time. An ego-driven chief executive officer who loves the sound of their
own voice will never create a shared reality with their team … unless and until it dawns
that failure to do so is wrecking their career (and not serving the company).
Shared reality results when two or more people are clear and aligned around, for example:
• The problem we’re trying to solve
• The current state we’re in
• What success looks like

22 LEADER TO LEADER
• The support one needs from another
• How we work together
• How we disagree—bury and avoid? Confront?
• Boundaries for work and personal life; how we
accomplish the work and live our lives
Any group of people can create a shared reality. This
is not something that solely cascades top down in a
company, although wonderful things happen when a
leadership team understands and works diligently to
create a shared reality. You can create a shared reality
with your boss, employee, investor, partner, peer, spouse,
parents, children or group or team. If you do this, your
results will be better, individually and collectively. You
will waste less time and money. You will make a far
greater positive impact on the world around you.
Having integrated over 80 acquisitions globally for
F I G U R E 1 . W I N AS ONE.
Cisco and U.S. Filter, I have worked with many senior
leaders and their organizations through massive change.
breadwinner, gang killings in your neighborhood, and
I enjoyed the privileged position of trusted insider on
confessing that no one, even you, thought you’d ever
both sides—acquirer and acquired—with clear views
amount to much…
of the good, bad, and at times ugly. I learned to never
take for granted the exponential benefit when personal They get that an organization that allows people to
chemistry works or the costly damage when people be themselves is a special place. Cohesion emerges
cannot get out of their own way. To learn about ways when people are there for each other and appreciate
to stay positive and productive, see Figure 1. each other as human beings. To quote the linguist/
philosopher Noam Chomsky, “Changes and progress
very rarely are gifts from above. They come out of
Courage to Trust: struggles from below.”
Be Who You Are The struggles define who we are. When you give people
People are behind every business success and a chance to tell their true story in a wholehearted way
everyone says they want trust, but the hard fact is that and be accepted for who they are, it creates a safe
vulnerability is a must for trust. So to establish trust, space. This is a game changer, and isn’t something any
you must have the courage to be vulnerable and to be one person can mandate for a group; all members are
who you really are. People often think that they can’t. mutually responsible. Together, we humanize work.
They can’t show who they really are at work. They
can’t be honest and vulnerable and still be successful.
Wherever I go, people are desperate to be able to share
who they are in life and be accepted for that. When
people have the opportunity to share their stories, they
Any group of people can
go there: losing a newborn, surviving cancer, growing
up poor in a trailer park, being legally blind in one eye,
mentioning—for the first time in 20 years—the death
create a shared reality.
of a first wife, what it felt like to be laid off as the sole

FALL 2019 23
Real Conversation: important for members of a group to be free to share
their points of view. This is how you begin to learn
Say What Needs to Be Said whether you are on the same page, or not. If we are
Even when it’s safe, people may still not feel seeing different things and hearing different things,
comfortable having real conversation. To say what that creates an opportunity to be curious … rather than
needs to be said—the bad news, disagreeing with the to label other people as “wrong.”
boss, the unpopular point of view—requires the ability
Plenty of us move through the world creating the
to skillfully navigate interactions with others.
sense that we need to be right all the time. The need
Relationship skillfulness around social sensitivities to be right is a barrier to winning as one; the ability
equips us to overcome the potential pain of offending to be curious about other perspectives opens us to
a colleague, disrupting a group’s harmony, or being new insights.
misunderstood. It protects us against the fear of
This means we need to create the time and resources
being labeled a squeaky wheel or perceived as “against
to help people practice skillful listening and skillful
change” (a career showstopper) … all of which are
interactions. So instead of getting frustrated that Bob
powerful forces to keep quiet.
always asks you unbelievably detailed questions, you
It comes down to the actual words and ways to speak might be curious,… what is it about Bob’s beliefs and
genuinely, honoring both ourselves and others. This experiences that cause him to move through the world
is the “real conversation” capability to be developed, that way … what does he notice that you missed?
including the skills to embrace dissent and lead change.
In the same sense, it’s okay to tactfully share with
It isn’t learned overnight, but doesn’t take six months
Bob that you sometimes feel a sense of impatience or
either. Because each person is unique, the exact words
frustration when you need to answer 20 questions to
may differ from person to person; your opportunity is
make progress toward your immediate goal. You can
to find a voice authentic to you.
admit that you don’t want to be frustrated, and to
Within a safe space and armed with relationship mutually explore ways that you might interact in a
skillfulness, you gain the benefit of something called more productive manner.
deep democracy, not to be taken in any political sense;
rather, in the words of Arnold Mindell, “recognizing
that all voices in a relationship system must be heard—
Transparency: Reveal
including the unpopular ones—in order to accurately Different Realities
represent reality and realize the system’s full potential.” Transparency is your friend. It’s the benefit of hearing
Mindell published his ideas about “deep democracy” in different viewpoints. In any situation, people see things
The Leader as Martial Artist: An Introduction To Deep differently and form different senses of reality based
Democracy, Techniques And Strategies For Resolving on their background, experience, etc.; this is a central
Conflict and Creating Community (Lao Tse Press, 2000). benefit of diversity. We all tend to think our reality is
This is about hearing the different viewpoints that right; however, all our opinions cannot be right.
contribute to a 360-degree understanding in service Frequently, only a part of the system sees the
to the system or group of people. Deep democracy is disconnects, the lack of shared reality. Deep democracy
not people pontificating or laboriously hearing every reveals for the entire system those moments when
individual when it’s not relevant! This is where you people aren’t on the same page. Another benefit, as
start to build and nurture a system that will literally sagely noted by my friend Admiral Thad Allen, former
make it easier for us to win as one. Commandant of the Coast Guard (heroically leading
Even in the face of the same facts, people have different through Hurricane Katrina): “Transparency breeds
emotions, perceptions, and experiences. It is extremely self-correcting behavior.”

24 LEADER TO LEADER
Part of what’s going on is the imbalance of the Accountability:
voices being heard. For a 360-degree perspective, the
opportunity is to quiet the noisies and noisy the quiets.
Do What You Say
The “quiets” are voices we don’t hear enough of— You have to do what you promised to do, but it’s
that bring different information vital to creating an also imperative to align each group and effort.
accurate and shared understanding of reality. For many Accountability is a mutual obligation. It’s not just
reasons, from cultural norms or past family dynamics a boss ordering that something be done. This also
to introversion, they have a sense that people don’t requires that those being held accountable have a voice
want to hear the truth. Or sometimes, due to a fear of to ensure the ask is achievable, which means they have
being wrong, many people hold back. the opportunity to ask about priorities … “I’m happy
to do X; that will delay Y. Just want to ensure that this
At the same time, dominant voices garner more than
best serves the overall system.”
their fair share. The “noisies” have no issue sharing
and often unintentionally make it more difficult for Most organizations are built around interdependencies.
the quiets to enter. They may lack mindfulness that This requires you to know what others expect from
they’re dominating the discussion, or just don’t know you, and vice versa. If something changes here, what are
how to bring other voices in. And because they tend to the ramifications in another part of the system? Finding
jump right in, their opinions tend to sway the way the answers requires both communication as well as trust.
group thinks.
You need to be able to say to a colleague, “I know
It’s not bad to be either a noisy or a quiet; the you’re working on this, but I just want to double check
opportunity is for both sides to expand their range, that this is in motion.” People often hesitate to say
so that the overall group benefits from all relevant that, because they worry that by asking such a question
expertise, experience, and viewpoints. they will give the impression that they don’t trust the
colleague. Lots of times we hold ourselves back because
People frequently feel that differences have to lead
we’re worried about what the other person will think
to conflict, and that’s “bad”; there is nothing about
of us. But… if we thought about it from a system level,
differences that make them inherently bad. In reality,
we might say, you know what? It serves the system to
differences often give birth to innovation; if we always
make sure that this is on track. Our colleague then,
agree, things don’t change.
rather than choose to take offense, responds, “Great
When different realities exist within a team or you’re checking—all’s good, and I’ll give you a quick
organization, it’s very hard to make the best decisions status if you’d like.”
and to execute with speed. By revealing that we are
in different places, you create the opportunity to say,
“This is great. Let’s work it through. What are we Shared Reality:
missing? How do we get to a shared reality?” All on the Same Page
For example, imagine that a project is due on If you have a group of five people, there is a sixth
Friday and that means three things must get done. entity that exists—the team. The team itself has its
But another group or person thinks that means six own intelligence and its own creativity. Members are
things must get done. You keep saying, “We are part of the same team, though each has a different
moving towards project completion,” but you have no experience of what it’s like to be on the team. Shared
common understanding of what that actually means. reality means that everyone has a sense of what it’s like
You resolve this with transparency, which means being for the other team members, to walk in the other’s
curious and clarifying the actual details of this current shoes, and everyone actually sees and hears enough to
reality. work together effectively.

FALL 2019 25
 Conclusion
There’s one last thing that needs to be said … You
The need to be right is a can create a system like this and win as one in any
part of your life. You can practice in in your family or
neighborhood, on your sports team or in your book
barrier to winning as one. club. There’s nothing about this approach that limits
it to only operating in your “job.”
The more you practice courage and real conversations
This is the number one opportunity for greater personal and transparency and accountability, the richer your
growth and greater collective success. It leads to greater life will be and the more you will accomplish. The
success and happiness, because you all accomplish more reason for this is simple: you will be leveraging the
and you each can be your true self. talents of others as well as your own talents.
Shared reality is where we’re aligned on the same
page. We’ve worked through the disconnects of
people’s different realities and therefore have made
well-informed decisions. The different parts of the
organization know who’s accountable for what and are
able to execute with speed.

It takes coming together, interdependently, to be a

championship team that truly plays the game for each
other. In this state, you care about the other people; you
don’t have to necessarily like them or be best friends,
but you care about them and respect them. You also
understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses and
maintain a commitment to finding the best ways to
work together and win as one.
Molly Tschang is an expert in winning as one:
If we operate in this manner, then we can attain our helping senior management build powerful
highest levels both as an individual as well as a team.
chemistry to lead together and be committed to each
We might not have the same opinion, but we all align
on an understanding of what’s happening here. other’s success. Molly created and hosts the “Say It
Skillfully” video series on LinkedIn and is a member
Stewardship of a system like this is the mutual
responsibility of everyone in the system; it’s not just of Marshall Goldsmith’s 100 Coaches initiative.
the role of a few leaders. Everyone’s part of the problem She has held executive leadership positions at
and everyone’s part of the solution. The leader has to Cisco Systems and U.S. Filter, where she led the
buy in and create the contract. They must hold the integration of over 80 acquisitions globally. An
team accountable to function as one system. At the
same time, part of their role is also to say it isn’t just
advocate of social enterprise, Molly also served as
me, I need everyone here to be responsible. the executive director for NetHope and provides
pro bono strategic advisory services to Community
When you add up these five steps, and when you work
on them every day, you win as one. You accomplish Solutions (homelessness), Relief International, and
more together than you ever could apart. Three Dot Dash® (youth mentoring).

26 LEADER TO LEADER