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YOGA
for grief and loss
Poses ∙ Meditation ∙ Devotion ∙ Self-Reflection
Selfless Acts ∙ Ritual

Karla Helbert
Foreword by Chinnamasta Stiles
“Typically when we are overwhelmed with grief, words can only go so far in bringing relief
and comfort. These words written by Karla Helbert, however, are the most powerful, useful,
insightful and comprehensive that I’ve ever seen. She is presenting something very special
to the world and what she has accomplished is awe-inspiring. Ms. Helbert has pulled herself
up from her own loss, and is thankfully now generously sharing her wisdom. I hope that
you don’t need this book very often in your life, but when you do, it will be your guide and
companion to find your way back from a broken heart.”
—Swami Asokananda, President, Integral Yoga Institute of New York

“Karla Helbert’s new book, Yoga for Grief and Loss, is much more than its mere title. This
book contains within its pages the depth and breadth of grief ’s nuances, its crevices, its core
questions. It is a navigable, shimmering gift that invites the bereaved reader through the
darkness of mourning. Practical yet deeply numinous, I recommend Helbert’s Yoga for Grief
and Loss highly; not as a means to heal or cure or overcome grief—rather, this book will help
grievers to be with, turn toward, and grow through grief. Few authors have accomplished
this with such honesty and grace.”
—Joanne Cacciatore PhD, Professor Arizona State University, Author of Selah:
An Invitation Toward Fully Inhabited Grief, Founder of The MISS Foundation

“Finally! In a sea of books on grief that fall dismally short, Karla Helbert skillfully presents a
path that companions pain, rather than trying to solve it. Through the lens of yoga, Helbert
demonstrates that the true teachings of all spiritual traditions help us find ways to bear the
life that’s asked of us. We can hold deeply disparate realities—worlds of pain, worlds of
comfort—without being forced to choose between the extremes of endless sadness or faux-
positivity. Yoga for Grief and Loss is part of a new paradigm of books helping to change the
way our culture tends to grief.”
—Megan Devine, Licensed Professional Counselor, founder of
Refuge in Grief, author of Everything is Not Okay

“This very profound yet practical guide reviews what yoga can offer to someone grieving
a loss. Sensitively written and incorporating very current understandings of grief, Karla
Helbert’s Yoga for Grief and Loss offers wisdom and ways to ‘adapt, adjust and accommodate’
to our new, however unwelcome, reality.”
—Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, Professor, The College of New Rochelle,
Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation of America

“In my own grief experiences and sitting with many bereaved students over many years, I
have often marveled at grief ’s capacity to cut through all that is unreal and unimportant and
to focus a laser beam of light onto the deepest longings of one’s soul, to push aside all the
trivialities of everyday life, until all that’s left is loving. Karla’s book reflects and honors this
profound gift of grief.
Unlike so many well-meaning ‘Yoga for…’ books, this book is not about a prescription
to do anything. It is not the disconnected (or misdirected) directive of the therapist or yoga
teacher. Rather it is a profound and profoundly loving acknowledgement of grief as an
individual process, born out of, and in fact a form of, love.
This book will absolutely become required reading for trainees in my Integrated
Movement Therapy training program—it is not only packed with wisdom on yoga, it is
truly an invitation for all of us to meet the grieving, and grief itself with a humble sense of
spaciousness and allowing. This book is truly a gift.”
—Molly Lannon Kenny, MS-CCC, Vice President of the International
Association of Yoga Therapists, founder and director of the Samarya Center
in Seattle WA, and developer of Integrated Movement Therapy®.
“Raja Yoga has been defined as the psychology and philosophy of yoga, two relevant sciences
that help us deal with the unknown, such as loss and death. How we deal with them in a
way that helps us grieve and find meaning, minimizing suffering and transforming it into
wisdom, is the focus of this book.
It is deep and authentic, coming from Karla’s personal experience with the loss of her
first-born baby, and from her intense study of Raja Yoga, the study of the mind and human
behavior, also the foundation of her Integral Yoga teacher training.
I am in awe of her amazing gift of transforming and making available to all, what could
be a dry academic study of the ancient texts into a very practical yoga therapy tool that
addresses the devastating effects of grief and loss through yoga. Such a refreshing, effective
and inspiring approach!”
—Nora Vimala Pozzi, e-RYT500, PRYT, YCaT, Director of Integral
Yoga® Center of Richmond and Teacher Training, Yoga Therapist/
Trainer, Raja Yoga Teacher & Senior Faculty at Yogaville.

“As a Board Certified Chaplain working in hospital, hospice, nursing and aging facilities since
1998, I find Karla’s book a very useful tool for those in grief. I believe Karla’s explanation of
the yogic life style and its many paths to be very inclusive, easy to read, study and incorporate
into anyone’s own life. I congratulate Karla Helbert for presenting to the public this useful
tool for dealing with grief from the yogic perspective.”
—Swami Sarvaananda, PHD, BCC, PHD in Education Administration, University
of Connecticut, 1980, BCC: board certified chaplain, Association of Professional
Chaplains, with Chaplaincy training at the University of Virginia Pastoral Care
Department, University Medical Center 1998-2001. Hospice of the Piedmont
chaplain, 2004-2013, Holy Order of Sannyas, 1977 by Sri Swami Satchidananda

“What a treasure! This is the book that my heart longed for when my own child died
and I cast about for something to both acknowledge and bless the transformational
fire sweeping through the landscape of my soul. With deeply grounded wisdom, Karla
Helbert simultaneously affirms the unmitigated pain of losing someone we love and offers
trustworthy tools to help us navigate the wilderness of loss. By engaging the ancient systems
of yoga, we are guided to embrace our grief as the sacred state it is and allow ourselves to
connect with the Love that ‘yokes’ us together for all of time.”
—Mirabai Starr, Translator of Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross, author
of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation

“Karla Helbert knows the territory of grief. Her deep spiritual understanding, through the
philosophy and practice of yoga, is the GPS that helped her navigate the death of her infant
son. This is not a book of postures, although they are included. Through the essential teachings
of yoga, Helbert’s Yoga for Grief and Loss shines a light through the clouds of unknowing
that follow loss. Let the gift of these teachings be your ultimate guide to welcoming all that
arises through bereavement. Read the book and practice the many self-inquiry exercises,
meditations, mantras, mudras, yoga breathing exercises and postures, and you will ride the
waves of your loss home to who you truly are.”
—Amy Weintraub, founder of the LifeForce Yoga Healing Institute,
author of Yoga for Depression and Yoga Skills for Therapists
Yoga for Grief and Loss
 by the same author

Finding Your Own Way to Grieve

A Creative Activity Workbook for Kids and Teens
on the Autism Spectrum
Karla Helbert
ISBN 978 1 84905 922 0
eISBN 978 0 85700 693 6

of related interest

The Essential Guide to Life After Bereavement

Beyond Tomorrow
Judy Carole Kauffmann and Mary Jordan
ISBN 978 1 84905 335 8
eISBN 978 0 85700 669 1

The Supreme Art and Science of Raja and Kriya Yoga

The Ultimate Path to Self-Realisation
Stephen Sturgess
Foreword by Dr. David Frawley
ISBN 978 1 84819 261 4
eISBN 978 0 85701 209 8

Mudras of India
A Comprehensive Guide to the Hand Gestures
of Yoga and Indian Dance
Cain Carroll and Revital Carroll
ISBN 978 1 84819 084 9 Hardback
ISBN 978 1 84819 109 9 Paperback
eISBN 978 0 85701 067 4

Chair Yoga
Seated Exercises for Health and Wellbeing
Edeltraud Rohnfeld
ISBN 978 1 84819 078 8
eISBN 978 0 85701 056 8
YOGA
for Grief and Loss
Poses ∙ Meditation ∙ Devotion ∙ Self-Reflection
Selfless Acts ∙ Ritual

Karla Helbert
Foreword by Chinnamasta Stiles
Photography by D. Randall Blythe,
Brian Brown, Jamie Fueglein and Karla Helbert

LONDON AND PHILADELPHIA

 First published in 2016
by Singing Dragon
an imprint of Jessica Kingsley Publishers
73 Collier Street
London N1 9BE, UK
and
400 Market Street, Suite 400
Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.singingdragon.com

Copyright © Karla Helbert 2016

Foreword copyright © Chinnamasta Stiles 2016
Photography copyright © D. Randall Blythe, Brian Brown,
Jamie Fueglein and Karla Helbert 2016

Front cover image sources: Shutterstock®, Rgbstock.com. The cover image

is for illustrative purposes only, and any person featuring is a model.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material
form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and
whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication)
without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with
the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of
a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby
Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission
to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorized act in relation to a copyright work

may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Helbert, Karla.
Yoga for grief and loss : poses, meditation, devotion, self-reflection, selfless
acts, ritual / Karla Helbert ; foreword by Chinnamasta Stiles ; photography
by D. Randall Blythe, Brian Brown, Jamie Fueglein and Karla Helbert.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-84819-204-1 (alk. paper)
1. Grief therapy. 2. Yoga. I. Title.
RC455.4.L67H45 2016
615.8’2--dc23
2015016603

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84819 204 1

eISBN 978 0 85701 163 3
 This Book is Dedicated

To my daughter Lula Francys Helbert Fueglein. May your path

always be illuminated. I love you more than you will ever know.

And to all who walk the path of grief, this book is dedicated to you
and to the memory, the light and the love of your beloveds.
 Contents

Foreword by Chinnamasta Stiles 9

Acknowledgments 11

Chapter 1 Why Yoga for Grief 12

Journaling exercise 25

Chapter 2 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge 26

Meditation: Grief in the now 28
Journaling exercise: Who am I? 34
Meditation on I AM 36
Meditation: Cultivating the witness 49
Meditation: Breathing in the ultimate reality 56

Chapter 3 Bhakti Yoga: The Path of Devotion 58

Meditation: Breathing in, I am the wave; breathing out, I am the ocean 66
Experiental practice: Creating your shrine 71
Meditation: Being with your grief 76
Metta meditation: Loving the self 80
Journaling exercise: Bhakti devotion in action 88
Heart light meditation 90

Chapter 4 Tantra Yoga: The Path of Transformation 107

Annamaya kosha meditation 119
Pranamaya kosha meditation 126
Manomaya kosha meditation 130
Vijnanamaya kosha meditation 135
Anandamaya kosha meditation 138
Chapter 5 Karma Yoga: The Path of Action 154
Meditation and visualization: Finding a place for the questions 163
Journaling and meditation exercise: Softening and releasing
guilt and shame 168
Love, forgiveness and gratitude—Ho’oponopono mediation 172

Chapter 6 Raja Yoga: The Path of Royalty 178

Experiential practice: Pratipaksha bhavana meditative breath 182
Meditation: Surrender to the heart of love 207
Experiential practice: Come to your senses 214
Experiential practice: Tratak 217
Mindful meditation 221

Chapter 7 Hatha Yoga: The Path of Sun and Moon 224

References and Further Reading 309

Index 311
 Foreword

D eath is intimate, sacred and secretive. Learning how to live and

how to die are equally important to a yogi. We are here in the
physical body to live life fully, embracing all joyful and challenging
experiences as a sacred weaving of life. Embracing joy is easy; living life
gracefully while facing illness or grieving death are not as readily taught and
accepted as an integral part of life.
How can you learn step by step to be with yourself while feeling utterly
lost, despondent and consumed by pain? What can you do if you have tried
everything possible to change your circumstances in life without result and
you feel pushed to the point where life loses its meaning?
Grieving the death of a beloved is a personal and unknown journey. A
personal relationship with the Self guides you from the heart how to live
your life beyond death. With practice that relationship grows on you and
is the sacred infinite lap that is always there when you fall apart. It is my
personal experience that my beloved has never left me. The sadhana of love
we practiced in the physical did not change. It transformed in the formless
and showered me with the experience that love is stronger than death. The
moment he let go of the last breath, he withdrew himself within me, merged
into One. That is where we continue to dance.
This is where worldly life meets the spiritual heart of yoga. Each worldly
experience leads you back to the Inner Heart revealing Truth, and the
Guidance revealed within the heart leads you back into the world. Where
else can you turn but inward seeking the Source of Infinite Love that is always
there no matter what the insurmountable pain is you experience in life?
The classical yoga practices are the Source of Serenity, beyond the
physical, emotional and mental disturbances. They lead you from darkness to

9
10 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

light, gradually, step by step. Life and death become a learning field, revealing
when it is appropriate to act, when you have to surrender and how to meet
the middle path of wisdom as your friend for life. Worldly life and Spirit life
become like a dance of the lover and the beloved. When they gently move
closer to one another, spontaneously they merge no longer experiencing
separation.
The seen has the qualities of luminosity, activity and stability. It is embodied
through the elements and the sense organs. It exists for the dual purpose
of sensory enjoyment and liberation of the Self. (Yoga Sutras of Patanjali,
Chapter II Sutra 18, as interpreted by Mukunda Stiles)

You can learn how to be with and move through pain and accept the inevitable
while simultaneously experiencing that Spirit is always there. That is the
secret being revealed through yoga practices, wisdom scriptures, and the
Truth being embodied by wise teachers. The wisdom teacher is there to give
the example of a state of serenity no matter what the circumstances are. The
teacher holds the space for you to be authentic with your feelings and guide
you beyond the mind into a state of infinite love. The classical scriptures are
“the body of God.” They are the nurturing foods for body, mind and soul that
help you carve your life path, while living and loving it fully.
The outer teacher needs to live and share from a place of direct experience,
integrity and love. The lessons Karla received through the death of her young
child have become lived experiences, and it’s from that Source that she shares
the yoga practices that supported her. Karla is reaching out and holding
hands with you through this book so you may meet your unique path of
health and healing, and connect deeply to the purpose in your life.
May many be soothed and nourished by the Divine Mother love that has
created this book.
With great respect and love,
Chinnamasta Stiles
Director Yoga Therapy Center &
Shiva Shakti Loka in San Francisco, CA
 Acknowledgments

I would like to express gratitude to the Divine. To the Great Mother in all
Your forms, source of life, love and creativity, I bow with thankfulness
and love.
To my teachers who have been many. Especially to Nora Vimala Pozzi,
my first yoga teacher, guide and mentor. Thank you for everything you gave
and continue to give. To Gurudev, Swami Satchidananda, without whom the
teachings of Integral Yoga® would not exist. To Mukunda and Chinnamasta
Stiles, whose work and relationship has been such an inspiration to me
throughout the writing of this book. With great respect and love, I honor you
both. To Molly Lannon Kenny whose inspiration and guidance brought me
so much. To Joanne Kyouji Cacciatore—friend, soul-sister, mentor—thank
you. No words can ever be enough.
To my husband, Jamie, for your love, your friendship, for your continued
support and unfailing commitment to me, to our family and to my work in
this world. Thank you for everything.
Thank you Mark and Karrie Morton for your support, love and hospitality.
Randy Blythe and Brian Brown, thank you for your photographic talents,
your Karma yoga gifts to this work. Thank you to all the asana models—
Kerri Kaveri Helsley, Lydia Nitya Griffith, Jennifer Smith, Sarah Thacker,
Nitika Collins-Achalam, Leslie Lytle, Meredith McGlohan-Fotovat. Your
spirits shine bright.
To all bereaved who have honored me with the sharing of your stories,
your hearts and your beloveds. Thank you so much, you and your loved ones
are all my teachers.
Om Shanti.

11
 Chapter 1
Why Yoga for Grief

This is whole. That is whole. When a portion of

wholeness is removed, what remains is whole.
The Purnamadah, Invocatory verse of the Ishavasya Upanishad

I n Sanskrit, the historical and liturgical Indic language in which the ancient
texts and teachings of yoga are written, the word yoga means “union.”
The Sanskrit word is yog with the short a sound occurring naturally after
the g. Said aloud, the word reflects its true meaning, “to yoke”: to bind, to
join, to unify. The union of yoga describes unification, the yoking together
of mind, body and spirit. A great part of this union, and one of the benefits
of yoga, is the increased ability of the practitioner to become more aware of
the workings of both mind and body and of the intimate connection between
the two. Our thoughts create our feelings, and our bodies experience, hold
and express these feelings. The more aware we become of this connection,
the better able we are to manage, tolerate and even change our thoughts and
our feeling states.
Beyond even this is the ultimate and true goal of yoga, which is union.
It is the realization that we are connected to, unified with, and one with
something greater than ourselves. Some conceive of this something greater
as God, the Universe, Spirit, the Divine, our Higher Selves, the True Self;
there are many names and ways to call this Greater Something.
The concept of the true unity of yoga also includes the awareness of unity
with all creation, with all human and non-human life forms, with the energies

12
 Why Yoga for Grief | 13

that exist here on our planet, within the cosmos and beyond. Whether we
know it, recognize it or believe it, this is the goal and the ultimate result of
the diligent practice of yoga.
Yoga is a path, a way of life, and a way of being that can help us to
understand and realize, “to make real,” this truth, or Truth: We are part of,
connected to, and one with something greater than that which we perceive as
our individual selves. The unity of yoga is the realization and remembering
of what so many of us have forgotten: All aspects of self—body, mind and
spirit—have never been removed from Oneness. We are, and have always
been, united and whole. We have simply forgotten this union. We may spend
hours, days, months, years, or even lifetimes in a place of forgetfulness of our
natural and true state of wholeness. Yoga helps us to remember.
The experience of deep and profound grief tops the list of things that
contribute to our forgetting. At some point all of us will experience grief due
to the death of someone we love. If we live long enough, and love deeply
enough, we will experience this kind of grief more than once. Death is part of
life. Everything that lives must die. Plants die, animals die, people die. It is a
fact of life that life comes to an end. Death and life are inseparable. One does
not exist without the other.
Our conception of death and dying is very individual, shaped and often
limited by what we have seen and learned from family, friends, teachers,
preachers, therapists, books, media and all of the cultural influences that
surround us. How we experience grief is also very individual. Many people do
not consciously acknowledge the reality that they will experience the deaths
of people they know and love, any more than they consciously acknowledge
the reality that each and every one of us, personally, will one day die.
There are whole schools of psychology and philosophy that tell us
that every neurosis and anxiety we humans experience is based in the
unacknowledged fear and unavoidable certainty of our own deaths. Much of
the angst we experience in day-to-day life is rooted in the fear of not only the
cessation of our existence as living human beings, but in perceived fears of
the process of change, of growing older, becoming infirm, senile, powerless
and ultimately non-existent. We are also afraid of pain. We are afraid of being
14 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

alone, of being disconnected from all that we know. We are afraid those we
leave behind will forget us, or that it will not matter whether we existed at
all. This is untrue but we don’t know it, because we have forgotten our Truth.
These fears stem from the non-realization of our own personal power
and the forgetting of our essential Oneness. If we really knew that we are
perpetually and eternally connected to a power and a force beyond our
understanding, if we really knew, like we know that we are sitting right now
on this chair or that we are standing on a solid ground, that we do indeed
go on, that our existence beyond this known and tangible physical form is
unending, that death is no more than another developmental stage that we
will move safely through, we would never be afraid. If we truly knew who
we really are, we would never be afraid. When it comes to thinking about
death and dying, most of us live in various states ranging anywhere from
distaste and denial, to uncertainty and insecurity, to states of fear and terror
that result all too often in regular attacks of anxiety and even panic.
Many of us also greatly fear the deaths of those we love. Sometimes these
fears are acknowledged, sometimes they are not. For some, that fear is so
unspeakable, triggering such discomfort and superstition, that thoughts and
talk of death are avoided at all costs. Existentialists would say that fear of
the deaths of our loved ones is in actuality only thinly disguised fear of our
own eventual, inescapable and positively permanent deaths. Fears of aging,
of growing old or powerless, are symptoms of this same fear.
I would have agreed that was true before the death of my son Theo.
Having lived through his illness and his death, and having since then had the
privilege of knowing and working with many others who have experienced
the soul-crushing grief that comes when someone you love so much has
died, I think differently. I am less afraid of my own death than I was before
Theo died. My husband agrees that that he too is less afraid of death. So are
multitudes of those who grieve so profound a loss. In order to experience the
presence of those beloveds once more, even if for some that belief is a remote
possibility and not a guarantee, death would be a small price to pay.
Knowing that our loved ones have braved that undiscovered country
makes our own impending journey to those mysterious lands far less
 Why Yoga for Grief | 15

fearsome. The prospect of reuniting with those deeply beloved souls is so

beautifully inviting that our own deaths can be anticipated without alarm
or apprehension. A force of love and longing, so deep and wide that it holds
the power to negate the fear of death, is a powerful thing. I don’t wish for
pain and I hope my death is peaceful and free of trauma, and the thought of
leaving behind my daughter, my husband or my parents makes me feel great
concern for them. However, those things aside, I can say that in my heart, I
do indeed look forward to a day when, after shaking off of this mortal coil, I
might be reunited with my beloved firstborn child. This doesn’t make me—
or anyone else who feels the same—suicidal or crazy; it makes us normal
people in deep grief, who long for a day when we might once again fully
experience the presence, instead of the protracted and painful absence of
our beloveds.
Yoga teaches us that reunification is not a distant dream or imagined
hope. It teaches and shows us that we are already unified; that in fact we were
never parted. Unifying is not a word most grieving people would ever use
to describe their experience in or with grief. This is why I am writing this
book. It has taken nearly a decade for me to approach this place in my own
grief journey. I am, in the writing of this book, steeping myself in the love
of my child, in fearlessness of my grief, in my personal sadhana (practice),
embracing my dharma (path or life’s work), and stepping out in faith that I
am not always completely sure I have.
While much of what you read here of my personal story surrounds the
death of my child, because that is my direct experience of my own deepest
grief, this book is not about grief following the death of a child. This book is
about grief due to death of those we love. It is also about other kinds of loss.
Loss occurs across a lifetime in many different forms; it is not always about
physical death. Grief is the experience we have when we lose something
precious to us no matter what that something precious may be. This book is
about learning a different way of being with grief and loss as part of a full and
wholehearted life.
Just as grief is not one way or one thing, neither is yoga one thing nor
one way. There are multiple yogic paths. Yet all paths of yoga lead to the same
16 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

place, to the space and place where we recognize our essential wholeness.
Yoga allows us to see all the various pieces and parts of ourselves as unified
and to recognize that we were never really separate in the first place. It helps
us to remember and to re-member those parts of us that we forgot were One.
Yoga helps us to realize and remember that we were never separate and can
never be separate, from ourselves, from our loved ones, from all of humanity,
from our planet, from Spirit, or from God; howsoever you experience God,
Truth, the Universe, Spirit, the Divine.
Yoga is not a religion. Yoga can help us to rise above religious confines
and aspects of dogma or religiosity that we may recognize as divisive and
which no longer serve us. Yoga can also support and augment any religion
you may follow, allowing you to go deeper into your own chosen path. Yoga
is a spiritual practice, whether we practice it for spiritual purposes or not.
The goal of yoga is unification of our own body, mind and spirit with the
wholeness of Universal Spirit. Carl Jung, the great Swiss psychiatrist, founder
of analytical psychology, father of archetypes and the theory of our collective
unconscious, is said to have had a plaque above his doorway inscribed,
Vocatus Atque Non Vocatus Deus Aderit from the Latin, meaning “Bidden
or unbidden, God is present.” Yoga reflects and reveals that truth.
The tradition and school of Integral Yoga®, in which I was first trained as a
yoga teacher, and whose founder and guru Swami Satchidananda’s teachings
I follow, is dedicated to the principle that “Truth is One, Paths are Many.”
The teachings of my yoga training helped me through my son’s diagnosis of
a brain tumor, his illness, and his death with more equanimity, peace and,
probably, sanity, than I could have done solely on my own. It has been those
same teachings that have helped bring me back to a place where my body,
mind and spirit can be unified. Grief makes it very hard to see this truth.
Grief can in fact smash that particular belief to smithereens. Yoga can help
bring us back.
Grief impacts every aspect of our being. It affects us physically, mentally,
cognitively, emotionally, spiritually and philosophically, in every aspect
of body, mind and spirit. Yoga and its various branches can support the
bereaved in being with and moving through acute and long-term effects of
 Why Yoga for Grief | 17

grief in each of these areas. The practice of yoga addresses self-care, helps
to integrate the experience of loss, and supports feelings of connection and
relationship with loved ones who have died. Just as grief is an experience
that affects us physically, mentally, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually,
yoga sustains and strengthens us in all of those same areas. Where grief can
separate and destroy, yoga unifies and creates.
Western culture and society is very uncomfortable with death and grief.
After a loved one dies, society wants us to go pretty quickly back to our pre-
grief habits, our routines, our level of functioning, our activities; in general,
back to who we were before we were suffused with grief. This is also true
generally of non-death losses. There is an expectation, sometimes unspoken,
sometimes implied, sometimes spoken very loudly, that the bereaved need to
“move on,” to “get back to normal,” “get over it.” You need to “say goodbye,”
to “put this behind you” and “get back to life.” The bereaved hear and intuit all
manner of expressions that tell them their experience of grief needs to come
to an end and things need to get back to the way they were: back to so-called
normal. Friends, family, doctors, co-workers, bosses and clergy often give
explicit and implicit messages to do something; take a pill, go see somebody,
get past it, rise above it, let it go. Grieving people are often encouraged,
nudged or pushed to be doing something instead of being allowed to simply
be just where they are in grief.
Or, if not openly encouraged to do something to fix this, then for God’s
sake, stop being so overt about it. Hide it, stop talking about it and quit
making everyone else so upset and discomfited. While these messages may
be given out of love and concern, they serve only those who are made so
desperately uncomfortable with grief and grief ’s ever-present reminder of
death. They often simply want to stop the discomfort of their own feelings,
thoughts and fears related to grief, and of death, though they don’t always
know this. They also want to relieve the distress of seeing someone they care
for in so much pain. Many people will spout painful platitudes, offer clichéd
commentary and make unsolicited suggestions that they hope will make the
bereaved and themselves feel better, and ultimately help to “fix” the problem.
But grief cannot be fixed, and those kinds of behaviors from others rarely, if
18 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

ever, help a bereaved person feel better, but frequently do cause a grieving
person to feel even worse. This is not true for everyone, of course. Everyone
handles death and grief and the pain that surrounds those things differently.
Overwhelmingly, even with their own fear and discomfort, whether
conscious or subconscious, most people who love a bereaved person really
do want to encourage, support and help that person move on, to be happy
again, to heal. That doesn’t sound so bad. But when you’re in a place where
you don’t believe you can heal, and maybe you don’t even want to, or perhaps
you have no idea how you might begin to heal, and everyone else seems to
want you to do just that, but you just cannot seem to do so, the result is
simply more pain.
Often the impulse is to push back, out of anger or frustration at feeling
completely misunderstood, at having been made to feel, intentionally or not,
that there is something wrong with you if you’re not “doing better.” While this
is not a scientifically studied phenomenon, I often hear that bereaved people
begin feeling a pushback from others to be better after about a three-month
period. There seems to exist an idea that a grieving and bereaved person
should go back to normal after about a quarter of a year, or at least be “doing
better,” which usually means behaving more or very much like you did before
death and loss came. This is painful and baffling to a grieving person who can
no more change the pain of grief than they can change the weather.
Another reaction on the grieving person’s part may be to withdraw.
You may begin to feel or believe that you are weak, depressed or abnormal,
because the message is that you are supposed to be “healing,” but somehow
you just aren’t. You can’t even imagine what “healing” would look like. And
what you are feeling is so intensely painful and raw that you can’t imagine that
anyone can understand or fathom what you are going through. You may even
try to pretend that you are “doing better,” hiding, dampening or covering
your deeply felt pain, fear, anger, confusion, weariness and exhaustion. This
is so unfair to those living in deep grief as it creates more pain along with
shame, embarrassment and fear that they are grieving “wrongly,” or that
there is something deeply wrong with them since they are not “healing”
appropriately or in a timely fashion.
 Why Yoga for Grief | 19

There are several problems with trying to help someone heal from grief.
The metaphor of healing can cause more pain and suffering because of
what healing means and how we think about healing. Thoughts and ideas
about healing inherently include thoughts and ideas about non-healing.
Thoughts of illness, sickness, brokenness and/or symptoms that need to be
eradicated or controlled because they do not belong in a healthy mind or
body are present in a dynamic that presumes ideas of so-called “healthy” as
fundamentally opposite to a known and societally understood state of so-
called “grief.” Grieving people are not sick or broken. Grief is a normal and
healthy response to the death of a loved one. Sometimes grief may make us
feel as if we are broken, but we are not broken.
Another problem that is not really a problem, per se, is that the person
may not want to heal. She or he may not feel that they need to heal. She
may not believe that she can heal. Many bereaved fear or dislike the idea of
healing as it seems to imply “getting over” their beloved dead as one would
get over a bad cold. Healing also seems to include “moving on,” the idea of
which can feel like leaving the beloved behind. Grief is a form of love. If we
do not love, we do not grieve. Often the thought of healing, giving up or
having grief removed can cause the same sort of reaction as the thought of
giving up our love. Inconceivable.
Yoga is a very healing practice, and can bring healing when and where
healing is needed. While grief itself does not need to be healed, in grief there
may be aspects of the body, mind and spirit that can and should be healed:
trauma of all kinds, physical wounds where they exist, damaged relationships,
unhealthy, painful patterns of relating, thinking or being in the world.
However, for grief itself, yoga allows for and gives us the means and ways to
be in grief and to learn to grow our lives with the experience. Yoga teaches us
how to hold seemingly opposing thoughts, ideas and experiences together at
the same time. We can be in grief and live a wholehearted, connected life at
the same time.
During my yoga teacher training, my teacher Vimala often repeated
another of Sri Swami Satchidananda’s sayings, “Adapt, adjust, accommodate.”
It is a phrase I have never forgotten. In grief, the abilities to adapt, adjust and
20 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

accommodate are invaluable. The experience of life-changing grief is nothing

anyone wants or chooses. Knowing that we cannot change reality, we are
faced with the task of making our lives conform to a brand new and wholly
undesirable normal. However, being able to adapt to change, sometimes
almost immediately, particularly for those blindsided by traumatic grief;
cultivating the ability to adjust to new realities; learning to accommodate
heretofore never dreamed of circumstances, can be quite useful, to say
the least.
In our culture, the bereaved are asked implicitly and explicitly to put away
pain, experiences, remembrances, treasured pictures of loved ones and even
tears. I regularly ask in support groups that no one give a tissue to a tearful
person. If a crying person wants one, he or she can get one for themselves,
they are readily available. So often when we are crying and someone gives
us a tissue, the message is “You’re making me uncomfortable, I don’t like to
see you in pain, this is not the time, big girls/ boys don’t cry, clean yourself
up—dry your tears.” Even if the tissue giver does not overtly mean any of
those things, the message is often undeniably to do something other than just
go ahead and cry.
We often feel shame and guilt in carrying grief. At about three weeks post-
funeral we begin to feel unwelcome and unable to openly mourn or express
our experience of grief. When we speak of our beloveds and a hush falls across
the room, we begin to feel self-conscious. When others say careless things
that trigger deep pain or cause us to feel that everyone else has forgotten the
memory of the one we hold so dearly, we feel angry, ashamed, or both. When
professionals routinely hand out diagnoses of major depressive disorder,
anxiety and panic disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, or physical
illnesses and conditions, which are codified and specified and include time
limits on how long we are supposed to grieve, we start to believe that there
must be something wrong with us. When we are given pills, told to take this,
see someone, go here, do this, do that, but don’t put it out here in public
where we can all see it, we feel even more hurt, lost, confused and alone than
we already did. These things are overwhelmingly wrongheaded.
 Why Yoga for Grief | 21

Western society and its medicine focuses on finding and fixing problems,
curing and thereby healing a set of symptoms with the objective of getting
the afflicted person back to pre-morbid functioning. Grief is overwhelmingly
seen and treated as a problem rather than a natural, normal and healthy state
of being and feeling that occurs with loss. When we experience loss, we
experience grief. It is a normal and natural response. This is what happens.
There is no ability or need to fix anything, no ability or need to change
anything. We may wish we could change it, we may feel the need to change it,
but truly we cannot really change anything.
Grieving people are rarely allowed or encouraged to simply be, to feel
what they feeling. Yoga, however, asks us again and again to simply be with
what is, with compassion toward ourselves and others, being exactly where
and how we are in the present moment. It encourages, allows and supports
us in being exactly how and where we are, while at the same time giving us
tools, support and space in which to adapt, adjust and accommodate who
and where we are now that grief has visited a new and unwanted reality upon
our lives.
I often tell those in grief who come to me for help and support that I
believe there are two main tasks to manage. They are not easy tasks, and there
may be many layers and facets to finding our way through them. The first is
that we have to figure out how to have a relationship with someone who is
no longer here with us on this physical plane. This is difficult because even if
we are fortunate enough to believe and trust that our loved ones are safe, that
they are okay, we still have to face life without them.
The way we interact with the people and animals and things we love
is predominantly physical. Everything we experience in this world we
experience with our physical senses. We see them with our eyes, hear them
with our ears, speak to them with our voices knowing they hear us in return,
we touch and hold them, we gesture and send messages with our physical
bodies, we intimately know their scent, their touch, their presence in our
lives in a physical way. We exchange communication, love, nurturing and
sharing in physical, sensory ways—touches, hugs, words, song, food, gifts,
shared experiences, a sunset, a concert, a road trip, the first time our children
22 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

say our names, roller coaster rides, intimate dinners, love notes, laughter—
and when those ways of being in a relationship are gone, the adjustment is
excruciatingly difficult and painful. Figuring out how to have a relationship
with someone who is not physically here, and never will be again, is incredibly
difficult, yet we must, because to not have the relationship is even more
difficult. While it is the case that death ends a physical life in a physical body,
it does not end a relationship and it never ends love.
The second undertaking is in the consideration of who we are now that
this has happened to us. Deep grief fundamentally changes us, and we can
never go back to being who we were before. How we feel, after the death of
a deeply loved person, about fundamental truths we may once have thought
unshakable can shift dramatically. After loss, we may find that things we
used to think were important no longer have meaning. Our perspectives on
multitudes of things may change. We may no longer subscribe to labels or
categorizations for ourselves or others. Deeply held beliefs may be obliterated.
We walk around in sometimes fuzzy, sometimes sharp disbelief that this is
now our life, this is who we are now. But who is that? Not knowing what that
means or how to navigate the changes that come to our deepest selves can be
frightening. We can feel completely unmoored.
Yoga can help us in all of these things. The essential teaching of yoga is
that we are whole and perfect as we are, in grief, in pain, in what we may
perceive as a state of complete deprivation and heartbreak. Yoga teaches us
to accept who we are, where we are, how we are right now. Yoga points us
toward a knowing that we are more than a grieving person while allowing
and supporting our experience in grief. Yoga helps us see ourselves, our
world, the universe, our beloved dead differently, in ways that can lead to
peace, even within pain. Yoga allows us to be exactly where we are, when
we are. Yoga supports us in accepting where we are physically, cognitively,
emotionally, mentally, spiritually in this moment—and then in this one, and
again in this one, and when it changes, now, in this moment. Yoga teaches
that we are whole and perfect just as we are, even if we do not believe it
for ourselves.
 Why Yoga for Grief | 23

In addition to helping us, in subtle or overt ways, to remember and

realize our wholeness, there are scores of side benefits to practicing yoga. For
thousands of years, practitioners and teachers of the physical aspects of yoga
have testified and taught that asana (physical posture) practice and yogic
breathing exercises (pranayama) can provide increased strength, flexibility,
circulation and overall improvement of major body functions including
digestion and elimination, immune system function and regulation of
mental and emotional processes. Yoga in all its forms is a powerful stress
management tool. Grieving people have difficulty in all of these areas. Yoga
can help us to be and to feel more spacious, to feel able to open our hearts,
even when they are breaking, and to trust that we can find ourselves stronger
and steadier than we believed we could be. It engages our brains in ways
that help us to feel more connected, more uplifted and accepting of what
is. Yoga is an all-encompassing path that can meet us where we are in grief,
grounding us, even as it lifts us up.

What this book does

This book looks chapter by chapter at each path or branch of yoga specifically
in relation to grief and how each branch can help meet a grieving person’s
needs. Each chapter also offers suggestions and practices that can help you to
cultivate your own practice of each branch.
No one path of yoga is better than another; they all lead ultimately to
the same place. Most yogis practice a combination of different branches,
drawing on different techniques and aspects of each. Most people who
practice Hatha yoga’s physical asana also study and practice many aspects of
Raja yoga and its principles. They may choose to engage in ritual of Tantra
or Bhakti, and almost all yogis at some point utilize the self-inquiry of Jnana
and contemplate the essence of who we really are. Many yoga practitioners
engage in selfless service through the path of Karma yoga. Choose whatever
aspect or practice of any branch you like, pick what resonates with you or
that arouses your curiosity or seems to match your interests and try it out. It
is okay to combine and create your own practice. It is okay to combine yogic
24 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

practices with any other spiritual path you practice. I encourage it. Doing so
is an act of creativity. Creation is the antidote to destruction. Not to death,
because nothing can change death in our physical world, but creation is most
certainly the antidote to the perceived destruction that can be wrought by
death and by grief.
As you move through this book, feel free to read and do the suggested
practices in order if you like, or skip around, reading where you feel most
drawn. You might choose to begin with the Hatha chapter to move your body
through surya namaskar, the sun salutation, or to learn breathing practices
that can help calm the anxious monkey-mind of grief. If you are too tired to
move, you might flip to the chapter on Raja to see how you might begin to
think differently about how you treat yourself or to learn how to sit quietly
with compassion toward yourself, and begin to become better able to tolerate
and detach from the swiftly changing thoughts and feeling states that can
plague the mind of grief. You may wish to examine the principles of Jnana
yoga, the path of knowledge, truth and self-inquiry, to understand and gain
insight about yourself and who you truly are. You might open the chapter on
Bhakti and see how you may already be a devotee of Love or check out the
Tantra chapter to see that you can connect with the Divine in the seemingly
mundane, and how this includes our beloved dead. If you can’t imagine
sitting still or being present in your own body or care about the Divine this
moment, you might wish to turn to the chapter on Karma yoga to learn to
place your energy into action that can help others. In yoga there is something
for everyone at all times and places on the path of grief, which is long and
winding.
You’ll find the use of Sanskrit throughout this book. Sanskrit is the
ancient language first used in the founding and teaching of yoga. If you are
not a student or teacher of yoga and don’t know much about Sanskrit, that’s
okay. The meanings of the words will be clear in context and I will always
provide the definitions and sometimes the nuances of the words throughout.
I suggest using a journal as you move through this book. It will be a useful
place for documenting your experiences with the experiential exercises
throughout, as well as for recording your thoughts, fears, hopes and insights
 Why Yoga for Grief | 25

through grief and in your yoga practice. Journaling can be incredibly helpful.
Writing about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing in grief can
be both contemplative and an exercise in expression to release and relieve.
You can also use a journal as a way to look back to see how your experience
shifts and changes over time. This can be interesting and illuminating as we
often feel that we will be stuck forever in one place when we are in deep grief.
This is never true. It changes all the time, moment to moment, day to day,
year after year.

Journaling exercise
Part 1
Using your journal write down all the symptoms, signs and results of
grief that you have experienced or that you have seen or heard of in
others. Include as many as you wish or as many as you can think of. It
is important to note that you may feel or re-experience some of these
as you recall them. Please know that this is okay. No feeling state is
permanent and this will pass. This can be as short or elaborate an activity
as you wish. You can do it in a group with others, or you can skip it all
together. Do what feels right to you. Once it is done, put it aside until you
finish part 2.

Part 2
On a separate page write down all the benefits, experiences, results
and goals of yoga that you have experienced or that you have heard of
from others.
When you have finished both parts of the exercise, compare your
two lists. What patterns emerge from these two compilations? How are
these lists different and how are they similar? Do the words on your lists
contradict each other? Do they overlap? How do you feel after reading
the two lists side by side? There is no one right or wrong answer. This
exercise is about process, and is about making concrete realizations on
how you think and feel by merely looking at what you write.
 Chapter 2
Jnana Yoga
The Path of Knowledge

J nana yoga, pronounced nya-na, is the path of knowledge and self-

inquiry. It teaches us to look into the truth of who we truly are and what
we are experiencing. Though Jnana arose from the Hindu philosophy of
non-dualism, or advaita, the Sanskrit for “not-two,” it is not based on any
idea, dogma or system that you must believe before you can practice. Instead,
Jnana is based on your own direct experience of yourself, which cannot be
taught, given or modeled by anyone else. At its simplest and purest level,
Jnana asks that you pose questions to yourself about yourself and your true
nature, which lead to the primary and sole question in Jnana yoga: Who am
I? Jnana teaches that the full realization of who we truly are brings about
enlightenment.
We can start the inquiry by asking ourselves questions about our
experiences in the world, about what we think or feel, and about the truth
of those experiences. Ask yourself questions about your own thoughts,
experiences, feelings and motivations, and answer them honestly, on a daily
basis. I find this practice a helpful tool for relieving a great deal of suffering
for myself and have seen it help many people who come to me because of
suffering. We can begin by recognizing that most of the things we tell ourselves
are not true. When we can learn how to notice the things we tell ourselves
and become clearer about whether those things are true—and often they
are not—we become clearer about what is actually and absolutely true for

26
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 27

ourselves and in our lives overall. Beyond that, we can become clearer about
why we suffer due to our thoughts and the beliefs we carry, and what we tell
ourselves about them.
Practicing truth-telling with ourselves can be difficult because we tell
ourselves things that are not true so frequently that we usually don’t even
notice that we do it. I have a bumper sticker on my car that reads, “You don’t
have to believe everything you think.” Not automatically believing everything
we think and asking ourselves whether a thought is actually true can help us
to be free of ideas, opinions, judgments and beliefs that do not serve us.
How can we know whether something is true? Once we get practiced
at noticing what we think and tell ourselves, we get better at allowing our
intuition to rise, telling us whether something is true for us. Grief can painfully
damage our connection to intuition; it can make us feel so vulnerable and
uncertain that we may go for long periods feeling unable to hear our own
truth, unable to trust our own inner voices. Yoga can help us learn to trust
our intuition again, or even for the first time, as the practice of going inward,
practicing mindful inquiry, and noticing what is, right now, over and over,
helps us regain the sense of connectedness that is inherent in trusting our
intuitive knowing.
Something cannot be called truth if it changes all the time, and thoughts
and feelings shift constantly. What you think and tell yourself at any given
moment is influenced by so many variables; whether you are hungry, tired,
irritated, happy, peaceful, sad, ill or hurt; if you are satisfied, calm, confused,
overwhelmed, anticipating, anxious or angry. Since thoughts and feelings
can shift so dramatically based on mood or physical state of being, how can
they be truth? A profound lesson that can be learned in this practice is that
you are not your thoughts or your feelings.
In grief, this means that you are not your grief. Grief is also an experience
that shifts constantly. You can say you are grieving and this can be true. Even
more accurate is to notice the experience, the feelings, and what you are telling
yourself in moments of grief and to say “This is grief,” rather than, “I am
grieving.” Rather than equating yourself to a state of being, focus on simply
defining the emotion or the state as temporary, not one of permanence. We
28 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

certainly experience grief in all its manifestations, and for long periods of
time, but to identify who you are with your feelings and experiences in grief
is not the truth of who you are.

Meditation
Grief in the now
In this experience, you are asked to allow the feelings of grief to be what
they are. All who’ve grieved deeply understand that grief comes in
waves, moving in, receding, coming forward and then retreating. You
can call up experiences and feelings of grief that you have had in the
past or sit with the grief you are carrying now. Inviting feelings of grief
to rise and then moving away from them can be extremely difficult in
early grief, even frightening. Some who are further down the grief road
may feel more comfortable with this experience. You never have to do
anything that you do not feel safe doing. It can be hard to understand
why in the world anyone would want to purposefully call up feelings of
grief if they are not right here right now. However, this practice can give
you a sense of control over your own feelings and allow you to see that
you can manage intense and difficult feelings.
You may find that purposely creating a safe space and time
for practicing your ability to allow grief to rise and to be can help
tremendously in managing grief when it comes at other moments. The
chaos of grief is unpredictable, particularly early on when it comes fast
and hard and without a lot of resting space between what can feel like
onslaughts. Creating your own space and time to get to know your grief,
and to allow it to be, can release the pressure of grief that can build and
spill over into our everyday lives. If it feels too scary, you may not be
ready to do it. This is okay. Allow what is to be.
If you wish to practice this meditation, feel free to gather photographs
of your loved one, journal entries from times when you were in deep
pain, play music that reminds you of your loved one, or simply close
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 29

your eyes and allow your mind the freedom to cast back to a time and
place when your grief was fresh, raw, tender. You probably know exactly
the photos, memories, songs, thoughts that can produce your grief. As
you remember and see in your mind’s eye those events, notice how the
thoughts themselves seem to call forth the feelings. The memories and
thoughts about the memory occur in the mind; the feelings rise in the
body. You may notice feelings centering in the belly, the heart, the lungs,
the throat, the solar plexus. Your arms may ache; your head and third
eye area between the brows may throb or tighten. Your legs may feel
weak, you may feel pulled downward toward the Earth, or you may have
the sensation of struggling to find balance.
If you feel ungrounded, place your hands or feet on the ground. You
might also try holding a stone in your hands. You may wish to turn to
the Hatha chapter and look at the description and photo of child’s pose,
balasana (Figure 7.70, page 292), and take this posture to help you feel
comforted and more grounded. Try to take slow, full breaths, with the
inhale centered in the diaphragm. If you notice your breath becoming
shallow or fast, deepen the breath as much as possible to maintain a
sense of calm. Whatever you are feeling, notice. Try to create a space of
observation, of witnessing your own experience. These are thoughts and
feelings, and they will shift and change.
You might visualize a volume dial or a heat thermostat that you can
turn up or down to lessen or increase the intensity of the feeling. If the
pain becomes too much, dial it down a bit. When you come to a place that
feels allowable, simply permit the feeling to be. Think: This is grief.
Take note of where sensations occur in the body, where they are
most intense and where they are less concentrated. As you inhale, direct
your breath into the place in your body where you feel the most intense
sensations. Imagine that the breath moving into that area creates space
around the sensations, allowing you more room to breathe and to be,
so that you can expand into the awareness of what is. Know that you
are safe in this experience. This is grief. This is how and where you are
experiencing your grief right now in this moment.
30 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

Be with this feeling as long as you need to. Notice what posture or
positions your body takes. As you breathe in, allow the tender, painful
places to become more spacious. Direct compassion toward yourself in
this experience of now. As you breathe out, let the breath allow your
body to release tension from the space of pain.
This is grief. This is also love. Learning to experience the feelings as
they are, allowing them to be what they are, rather than pushing them
away, feeling that you should be doing something, taking something,
seeing someone, “moving on,” doing “better,” instead of any of those things,
consider what it might be like to simply be with what is present. Think
of this: Grief would not exist if not for love. When you consider what
you feel in grief as a form of love, does this alter the experience? Does it
change your thinking about your grief or how you are experiencing it?
When you are ready to end your grief experience in this moment,
dial your intensity control down a bit further with each exhalation.
When you are ready, close your eyes, bring your hands, palms together,
to your heart center in the hand position of anjali mudra (see Figure 2.1).

Figure 2.1 Anjali mudra.

 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 31

In the yogic tradition mudra means “attitude,” “gesture” or “seal.” This

generally connotes an energetic or spiritual type of seal. Hand positions
are known as hasta (hand) mudras. Anjali mudra, also called “prayer
position,” is extremely common, and is used as a greeting or parting, a
gesture of thanks, of respect and devotion, in prayer, and in yoga classes
all over the world. Pressing the palms together quiets the brain and
creates an energy circuit around and through the body.
When you feel calm and at peace, open your eyes. You may wish
to place your hands on the ground, visualizing the Earth beneath, and
imagine discharging excess energy, or pain, into the ground, where it can
be neutralized and recycled. Send a thank you to the Earth for taking
what you are giving.

The greatest tool in Jnana yoga is self-inquiry, the practice of asking questions
about ourselves, our experiences and who we are. It is a simple practice, but
it is a process. It can be useful to support the practice of self-inquiry with
other yogic practices and vice versa. A combination of the various paths of
yoga practiced in concert can be very helpful in supporting the practitioner
through life and on each person’s individual path. Self-inquiry is the primary
tool in Jnana yoga for the attainment of self-realization, the realization of the
true nature of our mind, body and spirit.
It is a process of examining all of our “I” thoughts and statements, all
identifications with our thoughts and feelings, as well as identifications with
people and things outside of us. It is as simple as noticing that despite what
we may think or feel about things, objects and people around us, we are not
those thoughts. What our thoughts reflect are not who we are. We are not our
own bodies or even our minds. So then who are we? Who are you? Who am
I? This simple question can lead to self-realization and the truth of who we
really are. This, however, as in so many facets of life, is often easier said than
done. It is simple, but not easy.
An important point about truth-telling through self-inquiry is how to
know when something is true. How can we recognize truth? Just because
something seems true doesn’t make it true. Appearances can be deceiving.
32 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

Appearances are based solely on our sensory perception and what we already
think we know about something. Our senses can be wrong. Our whole world,
how we see things, how we hear things, is experienced through our individual
sensory processing. We experience the sky as blue not because the sky is
actually blue, but because this is how our eyes experience the occurrence of
the kind of light waves that we call blue. The light from the sun appears white,
but it is actually made up of all the colors of the rainbow. Because blue light
has the shortest and fastest wavelength, we perceive it first. To say “The sky is
blue” is actually not a true statement. It only appears to be blue based on our
perception. So how can we know what is true?
As we discussed earlier in this chapter, the way that we know what is true
is that things that are true do not change. We’ve established that thoughts and
feelings then cannot be called absolute truth because they invariably shift and
change. How can we know what things do not change? In grief, the pursuit of
truth can be a difficult thing. Nothing feels more true than the desperate pain
of grief after the death of a beloved, the sense of absolute destruction of our
hearts, minds, lives and all the conceptions we carry of ourselves and who
we are. In moments of intense grief and pain, we can feel as though we will
never stop hurting and that we will always hurt just like this forever. It can
seem unbearable. Then it changes. It shifts, it becomes something else. Again
and again this happens.
After the devastation of death or other deep losses that cause grief, the
central Jnana question “Who am I?” can be incredibly helpful in supporting
movement toward the recollection of original wholeness, even when we don’t
believe we can ever be whole again. No person who knows the experience of
deep grief would argue with the observation that we are changed, we are not
who we were before the loss. So, then, who are we?
Questioning can begin with the various connective and relative identities
and labels that we apply according to society and our world, our thoughts
about the world, our places in it. In so many ways when the life of a deeply
beloved person has ended, the bereaved often question whether our roles can
still be fulfilled. Without the other, are we still mother, father, husband, wife,
sister, brother, grandparent, friend? I say, absolutely, yes. We don’t stop being
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 33

who we are to others and they don’t stop being who they are to us just because
of death, whether we are the deceased or the living. That bereaved people are
encouraged to “say goodbye,” find “closure,” or subscribe to any other thing
that indicates finality of relationship or of the person makes no real sense
insofar as the relationship goes. Saying goodbye is unnecessary and serves
only to increase pain, confusion and isolation. Intuitively, many grieving and
bereaved continue to maintain and seek out bonds with their beloved dead,
despite societal or familial disapproval. Moving beyond the label of who we
are to those we love, which can never truly describe the depth and strength
of the bond of love, we can continue to ask, “Who am I?”
If we think about this question, we can pretty easily cross our bodies off
the list of who we are. Merely the way we speak about our bodies tells us that
we are not our bodies. Our bodies are always changing from birth to puberty
to middle age to old age, all the way to death. They change through illness
and injury, childbirth and breastfeeding, by accident and addiction, through
rehabilitation and recuperation. The body we woke up with this morning is
not the body that will lie down to sleep this night. We most likely have more
limited range of motion immediately upon waking, and are more flexible
at night after moving around during the day, or we may feel tired and achy
after a long day of repetitive movement. We gain weight, we lose weight, we
get taller as we grow and shorter as we age, our cartilage flattening, fluid
in our spinal discs becoming compressed, muscle mass shifting over time.
Our faces become lined after years of moving the muscles in the same ways
through smiling, laughing, eye-rolling, squinting or puzzling over questions
both shallow and deep. Our bodies change so much, yet we are so often
identified with them.
Imagine calling over to your neighbor to borrow sugar. Your body takes
you there. When you arrive, your neighbor may ask how you are doing and
you might tell her how you hurt your back the other day when you were
doing yard work, or that you had a great time getting your nails done, or she
may comment on your new haircut. When we talk about ourselves we say
“me” and “I.” When we talk about our bodies, we use the possessive, “mine.”
Possessions come and go and are not truths. Possessions are things that we
34 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

use or enjoy or hold for a time. If our bodies are possessions, we cannot be
our bodies.
We are also not our personalities, which are changing all the time and
are based on patterns of thinking, feelings and attitudes, as well as all sorts of
behaviors, all of which are changeable. Any of these may be deeply ingrained,
but are also mutable and much of what we call our personality is based on
past experiences we may not even remember. Aspects of our personality may
be present at birth. Ask any parent: No baby comes into the world without a
personality. But are the glimmers of character, humor or temperament that
come with us into the world who we truly are?
Can we be defined by roles we play, groups we belong to, professional
titles, jobs we do or beliefs we hold? If you say you are Christian, can you
be compared to all other Christians? If you decided you wanted to convert
to Buddhism or to Judaism, would you still be you? If you have devoted
your life to a career that has defined you, and you change jobs or retire, are
you still you even though you don’t do that job anymore? Even our names
cannot be who we are, because of course, as Shakespeare told us, a rose by
any other name would smell as sweet. What about those who change names
for marriage, professional or other personal reasons? Most of us didn’t even
choose our own names; they were given to us by our parents or someone else
who most likely didn’t even know us yet, or knew very little about us and
nothing of who we would become. When we think about these things we can
conclude that we are not our possessions, our labels, our roles, our bodies,
our professions, our personalities or our names.
So who are you? Who am I?

Journaling exercise: Who am I?

This exercise is gratefully adapted with permission from the book
Your Mythic Journey: Finding Meaning in Your Life through Writing and
Storytelling, by Sam Keen and Anne Valley-Fox.
Think about all the various ways you identify yourself in the world
and in your mind. Make a list of the ten words that you feel describe
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 35

you the best. The words (or phrases) might be titles, functions, roles,
feelings, activities, qualities—for example, teacher, compassionate, silly,
construction worker, lawyer, brewer of craft beer, healer, artist, student,
secretary of state, mother, intelligent, moody, yogi, runner, hipster, open
to new experiences.
If you wish to do this activity, please stop here and make your list of
ten words before moving forward. Complete each section before moving
on to the next. Not knowing what comes next better allows the fullness
of this activity to make an impact.
Once you have written your ten words, rank them in order of
importance.
Next, cross them out, giving them up one by one until you are left
with what you feel is the single most important distinguishing facet of
your identity.
As you cross out these identifications you may feel a sense of loss,
to deeper or lesser degrees depending on your attachment to each
identification and depending on your own history of experience with
loss. Allow the feelings and your experience to be as they are. What
thoughts occur? What feelings do your thoughts give rise to? Where
do you feel what you are feeling? What happens in your body as you
have these feelings? What other thoughts and subsequent feelings arise?
Simply notice without judgment, as much as possible. Make notes in your
journal of your observations.
In the center of a separate piece of paper, write the remaining, most
important and distinguishing word or phrase. Contemplate what it means
to be this. How is this aspect of your identity truly you? Is it truly you? Is
there any way that this aspect of you could, would or might be given up,
changed, made different, released, liberated or obliterated? Is it a truly
permanent state? Is it true? With all your identifications dissolved, who
are you?
Write the words, “Who am I?” on another piece of paper.
Under these write, “I AM.”
36 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

Meditation on I AM
You may also choose to substitute I AM with the Sanskrit phrases SO
HUM, meaning I am that, or AHAM which means, simply, I am.
Sit comfortably in a chair or on the floor. Allow your spine to be
straight but not stiff. Place your hands in anjali mudra (see Figure 2.1), or
take the jnana hand mudra (see Figure 2.2). To take this mudra, bring the
thumb and index finger together so they lightly touch. The remaining
fingers are extended and relaxed. Do this with each hand and allow the
palms to face up. You may also simply allow your hands to be open, palms
up, on your thighs, knees or in your lap.

Figure 2.2 Jnana mudra.

Holding the words I am softly in your mind, allow and imagine the heart
space to be open. Notice that your sitting bones feel solid and secure;
extending from the base of the pelvis, these are the two horseshoe shaped
bones under the flesh of the buttocks that we literally sit upon. Closing
your eyes, imagine your eyeballs dropping backward and down, relaxing
and softening toward your throat and your heart. Allow your breathing
to become soft and regular.
Allow the words I AM to leave your mind and imagine or envision
them above your head. Imagine them growing larger and glowing softly
with white light. Notice how they are formed. Are they rounded or
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 37

scripted, flowing or geometric? Notice how they appear to you in your

mind’s eye. Allow them to be what they are. Allow them to change if
they wish to change.
Imagine a circle of light surrounding the words as well as your head.
As you breathe in and out imagine the words growing and expanding
with their light encasing your entire body in warmth, protection and
love. As you inhale, think I…
As you exhale, think AM.
I…AM.
As you breathe in, imagine that you are directing the energy and
warmth of your breath into the space between your eyebrows and
imagine I AM floating there. Breathe in and out. On the inhale, think
I, on the exhale, think AM. Imagine the color of indigo or deep violet in
that space between your brows. If it seems more appropriate, continue
to imagine the clear white light. Sit with I AM in the space between
the brows. Imagine the space between the brows growing less dense,
expanding outward and inward. Feel an opening in that space. Inhaling I,
exhaling, AM. Sit with I AM resonating in the third eye space as long as
you wish.
When you are ready, direct the breath toward the throat area, feel an
opening, a spaciousness growing in the throat area, and allow the light
of I AM to glow softly there. Breathe in I, breathe out AM. Envision the
clear blue light of a summer sky softly radiating from that space. Feel the
softness and freedom in the throat’s opening and softening.
Direct your breath toward the heart space at the center of your chest.
Allow that space to open and soften, expand and fill with the vibration
of I AM, breathe in I and breathe out AM. Imagine soft green light, the
green of newly sprouted leaves of springtime, to glow in that heart space.
You may also choose to imagine a soft pink, a clear white light or any
combination of these. Allow the I AM to glow in the space of your heart.
Notice the fullness and the openness of this space in the front and in
the back of the body. Notice the expansion from the sides at the rib cage,
opening and expanding. Breathe in I, breathe out AM.
38 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

Direct the breath toward the solar plexus area, just below the
sternum, where the ribs meet in the front of the body. Allow the I AM
energy of the breath to glow like the sun, allow the solar plexus space to
expand and open, becoming more spacious, becoming rarefied. Breathe in
I, breathe out AM. Imagine the yellow glow of the sun, radiating warmth
all through the torso. Breathe in I and breathe out AM.
Direct the breath toward the low back between the hips, at the sacrum
of the lower back and at the front of the body in the pubic area. Allow
that space to open and soften, to become more spacious. Breathe in I,
breathe out AM. Imagine a soft orange glow warming, opening, creating
spaciousness throughout the sacral area. Breathe in I and breathe out AM.
Direct the breath toward the very bottom of the spine and to the
soles of the feet. Allow the sitting bones to feel rooted and soft at the
same time. Allow the soles of the feet to feel warm, to soften and feel
spacious and light. Imagine a deep and vibrant red light glowing at the
root and at the soles of the feet, wherever you are attached to the seat or
to the Earth. Allow I AM to breathe in and out with your body. Breathe
in I, breathe out AM.
Sit with I AM as long as you wish.
Go to your journal to write, draw or create any kind of rendering of
this meditation experience. Note the feelings you experienced, emotional
states, words that floated up in the mind, bodily experiences, physical
sensations, visions or imaginings that occurred.

Pain in grief
People do not like to feel pain in general. Even those who appear to seek
out pain purposefully, through such practices as tattooing or piercing; those
who push their bodies to the absolute limit in stringent athletic pursuit;
those who do damage to their bodies internally through overuse, misuse or
abuse of substances; those who cut themselves; those who engage in violent
fighting or other damaging things, are actually seeking to find or move
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 39

toward something else that can either help them feel more fulfilled, or to
escape something that they perceive as even more painful than the pain that
they think are in control of by virtue of inflicting it on themselves. And, of
course, pain itself is completely subjective. How I experience pain is not how
you experience pain. Human beings in general, though, tend to avoid pain
and discomfort and seek out things that are comforting and distracting from
pain. Some might call this “avoidance” and this tendency in people can create
problems in our lives.
People often avoid the pain of grief by doing all sorts of things, often at
the behest of others, sometimes because they don’t know what else to do to
find solace or relief from the pain. However, it’s almost impossible to avoid
the pain of grief. Much of this book has to do with not avoiding or escaping
or relieving pain, but entering into the pain, even though this may seem
counterintuitive. Instead of moving away from the pain, learn to let the pain
be what it is, even invite it in, set aside time for it in various ways, move
into the pain as much as possible without fear. We can observe, witness and
examine the pain as part of the experience we are having. We can note how it
changes. We can recognize that, even though it hurts, when we allow it to be
what it is, it may not be nearly as frightening as we may have once believed
it to be.
When we are in grief, our whole being is affected. We are plunged into
chaos, not knowing how we are going to feel from one minute to the next. We
might be feeling okay, able to get up, get dressed, maybe go out in the world,
get some errands done, engage in life in some way, alongside the surreal
comprehension that the rest of the world has not stopped for the death of
our beloveds. Life apparently does go on elsewhere, even when we may not
want it to.
So, say it’s a day when you can get up, get dressed, go out, do some
things. There you are in a grocery store aisle, standing in front of his favorite
cereal. Thinking about how you need never buy that cereal again. Or you
find yourself standing in line at the post office behind a woman holding
her sleeping toddler, thinking of how you will never hold your sleeping
toddler in any line, anywhere, anytime. The momentary feeling of being
40 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

okay, functional, able to manage some minor task is gone and you are again
plunged into an ocean of grief. A song may come on the radio, the lyrics of
which you never considered to be about grief and longing, but suddenly it is
all about your pain and your beloved who is missing from your life and you
have to pull over to the side of the road because tears have made you blind.
These kinds of moments happen over and over again in grief. Rarely do we
see them coming. Sometimes we can see them coming, but we can never
truly predict how we are going to feel. It is exhausting and often frightening.
Spiritual teachers and sacred texts both ancient and modern tell us in
many different ways that the reason we are not at peace right now is not
because of our circumstances, but because of what we tell ourselves about
our circumstances. We suffer because we want things to be other than what
they are. After my son died, it was incredibly difficult for me to read any kind
of spiritual teaching or writing. If I tried to look at my circumstances from
any perspective than my own bereft state, all I could come up with over and
over again was, Yes, that is all well and good, but my son is dead! I wondered if
the writer of whatever words of wisdom I was reading knew what it felt like to
have a dead child, and doubted they would be saying those things if they did.
I remember vividly how I felt when his death and his permanent absence
from my life were the first things I thought of every single morning. I would
open my eyes from sleep and experience the brief space of time of thinking
nothing really, reorienting to the waking state, and then the thought came
floating up—Theo is dead—and the heaviness settled itself around my heart.
Or, sometimes, the thought didn’t float, but crashed in, mean and shocking,
rushing into my awareness like a blast of freezing air or having the breath
knocked out of me. Sometimes it woke me up that way, like an alarm, feeling
like a shock to my system. But usually the thought just kind of drifted in,
reminding me, as if I needed a reminder: Psst…hey…your baby is dead…
remember? My heart was seared anew each morning.
I also remember when I noticed that it was no longer my first thought
upon waking, and the strange pain that realization brought with it as well.
That thought is never the first thing I think when I wake now. His picture is
on my nightstand. His sweet face is the first thing I see every morning when
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 41

I rise and the last thing I see every night before I switch off the bedside light.
But the aching heaviness of that repeated dawning of daily recollection is no
longer there. And he is still dead. And it still hurts. But it has changed.
So how can we know what is true? It is still true that my child is dead.
That is a fact of my life. It is also true that how I think about it, the feelings I
experience around that fact have shifted and changed. So what is true within
grief? Looking at spiritual teachings from the perspective of a grieving
mother is something altogether different from looking at spiritual teachings
from the perspective of who I was before my son’s death. After his death I
couldn’t tolerate reading about spirituality because I knew those things no
longer applied to me. But was that true? Not really. It was how I was thinking
about it that made the difference. This is not to say that it is easy to change
our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have about the deaths of our
beloveds and their absence and what that means for the rest of our lives here
on Earth. Sometimes simply recognizing that thoughts and feelings will and
do shift can be in itself very helpful in a moment of seemingly intolerable
pain and longing. You can know that you can bear it in this moment because
it will change.
The Buddha taught that life is suffering. That we all suffer in one way
or another, over and over until we learn how not to suffer. He also taught
that suffering is caused by attachment and if we can learn to live without
attachments then we will no longer suffer. It is a risky proposition to tell a
mother whose child has just died—or a mother whose child has died last
year or five years ago, or ten years ago or twenty—that her suffering is due to
her attachment to her child and that if she could just let go of that attachment,
she would no longer suffer. If you want to keep your head, or if you want to
keep her as a friend, or if you simply don’t want to cause her more pain, it
might be best not to suggest that she simply release her attachment. This same
thinking applies to telling a newly bereaved wife that if she would just let go
of her attachment to her husband she would feel better, or telling a child in
grief that he should let go of the attachment to his mother or grandmother or
the beloved family dog who has just died. It just isn’t that easy.
42 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

The Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Hindu text thousands of years old, speaks of
the True Self that never dies. In the book, Lord Krishna speaks to the warrior
Arjuna, offering him guidance, showing him the path of Truth. In chapter 2,
Arjuna refuses to perform his duties out of grief for those who have died and
will die.

The Lord says to him:

You grieve for those who should not be grieved for…
There was never a time when I did not
exist, nor you, nor anyone…
Neither will there ever come a time when we cease to be.
The Self dwells in the house of the body,
Which passes through childhood, youth and old age.
So passes the Self at the time of death into another form;
What is not, has never been; and what is, always is.
No one can destroy what is everlasting and imperishable.
The Self is eternal, indestructible and immeasurable.
The Self is not born and it does not die.
Unborn, undying, never ceasing, never beginning,
Deathless, birthless, unchanging forever.
Not wounded by weapons, nor burned by fire,
Not dried by the wind, nor wetted by water.
The Self is not a physical creature.
There are some who have looked upon the Self
and understood It, in all Its wonder
Others speak of It as wonderful beyond their understanding…
Others have heard of It and understood not a word.
This Self, which exists in everyone,
Is invulnerable and deathless, immovable and everlasting.
Know this truth, and leave all sorrow behind.
Satchidananda (2000)

The Buddha taught similar lessons about what is permanent and impermanent.
He did not comment directly on existence after death or even on God, but
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 43

taught that the Soul, the Self, the Atman, the Divine in each of us, is the only
thing we have that is permanent. And those things that are permanent are
the only things which are Real or True. Everything that is physical changes:
Bodies die, buildings crumble, fortunes disappear, even the very Earth itself
can and will eventually be destroyed; the only thing we have that cannot be
destroyed is the Soul. It is the only thing that we have that is Real. Everything
else is maya, or illusion, unreal.
I found a story of the great Tibetan Buddhist master, Marpa, who lived
and taught at the beginning of the eleventh century. He was a great teacher
and had many disciples. Stories tell of the untimely death of Marpa’s son
whom he hoped would carry on his work. His students came to visit him
after this beloved son’s death and were shocked to find their master crying
and wailing, deeply mired in grief for his son.
They said, “Master what is wrong?”
Marpa replied, “My son is dead!”
His students said to him, “But Master, have you not taught us that the
physical world and everything in it is but an illusion? If this is so, why do
you grieve?”
And Marpa said, “Yes, all is illusion—and the death of a child is the
greatest illusion of all.”
The objective of Jnana yoga is to, through questioning our perceptions
and beliefs, and through the use of self-inquiry, come to the absolute Truth
about life, and about who we are. Part of the pursuit of Truth is recognizing
that advaita, non-duality, not-two, is the reality and that the idea of dualism,
of separateness, is but an illusion. The illusion is a strong one. As the great
teacher Marpa shows us in the story above, even a renowned spiritual master
struggles with the pain of grief regardless of his teachings and knowledge
of the illusory nature of this world. The contemplation of non-duality and
the questions themselves can bring us to a place where we can be open to
our experience of grief in the moment. If we are one and not-two, then with
whom, or what, are we one?
Hinduism, from whose deep roots came the foundation of yogic teachings,
is a polytheistic religion. Overarching the conceptions of the hundreds of
44 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

gods and goddesses that are worshipped and revered in the Hindu system,
the belief is that all deities, including those outside the Hindu system, are
aspects and manifestations of the One. This One is known as Brahman, the
ultimate reality behind, within, surrounding, and permeating everything
in the universe, the Supreme Reality behind all illusion. Brahman cannot
truly be defined because It is beyond definition, without definition, without
boundaries, and without form. Brahman is that from which all else springs.
It is the source of everything, all creation, each one of us. A wellspring of
pure love, inspiration and abundance. Brahman is known by many names
and concepts: the Absolute, Creator, Source, Divine, Great Spirit, Goddess,
God, but Its absolute nature is devoid of and beyond any and all religious
conceptions, individuations, dogma, mythologies or personifications.
Brahman is the ultimate non-duality from which everything in the universe
flows and to which we are infinitely connected. And we each, as is everything
in creation, are part of the wholeness that is Brahman. Never ending, never
beginning. Because we are part of the All, we cannot be separate from the All,
nor anything else which is part of the All. Recall once more the etymology
of yoga, the word itself meaning union. The opening verse of the Ishavasya
Upanishad, a sacred Vedic text known as the purnamidah, translates this
way, “From wholeness comes wholeness. When a portion of wholeness is
removed that which remains is whole.” We can never be separate.
The concept of non-dualism is hard to talk about because in order to talk
about it we must use language, which itself cannot be anything other than
dualistic. If this is defined as something, then there is something else that
this is not. Dualism is the world of concepts, words, opposites, definitions,
right and wrong, this or that, up or down, inside or outside, you and me, true
and false, male and female, feminine or masculine, white or black, good or
bad, approve or disapprove, believe or disbelieve. This could go on day and
night. Non-duality is something that goes beyond any concept the mind can
construct. Even if we think, feel or believe otherwise, all is wholeness. This is
the essence of non-dualism. A state (that is not a state), a place (that is not a
place) of pure love, intimacy with all, non-separation from anything, outside
of time or even thought. The practices of yoga help us to remember this as
our Truth.
 Jnana Yoga: The Path of Knowledge | 45

The sutras
One of the ways we can begin to experience Jnana yoga is through
contemplation and meditation. In yoga, the definition of meditation is the
cessation of thoughts. But to simply stop thinking is incredibly difficult for
most people. In grief, it can seem impossible to stop our thoughts. Often
people, grieving or not grieving, become frustrated with meditation, saying,
“I just can’t quiet my mind!” I discourage actively trying to quiet the mind.
It’s somewhat like trying not to think about a rhinoceros when someone says,
“Don’t think about a rhinoceros.”
For most of us, the mind thinks almost all the time, it goes on and on
and on with its monologues and its chatter, its questions and doubts, the
commentary, judgments, predictions and fears, dreams and nightmares.
The mind is rarely quiet. This is okay; it’s doing its job. If we begin instead
with the practice of simply observing the mind and its thoughts, without
getting involved and tied up in them, of learning how to simply witness our
thoughts, we can come closer to the place of cessation of thought and the gift
of slipping into the space of wholeness that is wholly without thought. Once
we comprehend we are in a place without thought, we are again thinking.
We must let this also be okay. Cultivating the witness, with compassion and
kindness toward ourselves, can help us to learn to notice the thoughts and to
be less involved in identifying with the thoughts as who we are.
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, written sometime between 400 BCE and 200
CE, contain 196 sutras—sayings or aphorisms—that describe the science
and practice of yoga. Literally the word sutra means thread, and is taken from
the Sanskrit verbal root siv, meaning “to sew.” No one truly knows whether
Patanjali was one person, or several teachers whose teachings were compiled
into one text. Either way, The Sutras have become the primary text of yogis
everywhere. The 196 sutras discuss every aspect of yoga, they are the threads
by which the whole cloth is created and held together. The very beginning of
the book contains some of the most important sutras, which in essence are
Jnana yoga.
46 | Yoga for Grief and Loss

In the first sutra, Patanjali introduces yoga by saying: Atha yoganusasana.

Now (atha), is the instruction of yoga. The most significant thing about
this first sutra is the implication of atha, now. Now is yoga. It is not simply
something that happens on a mat in a studio. This sutra implies the
importance of the mindful attention to now, the present moment, and that
yoga, the practices, and the union, is now.
In the second sutra, he tells us what yoga is. Sutra 1:2: Yogas chitta vritti
nirodah: Yoga is the restraint of the modifications of the mind-stuff. Chitta
translates as “mind-stuff,” all aspects of the mind from the yogic perspective
including, the ego (ahamkara), the intellect (bhuddi), the desires (manas).
Vritti means modifications or changes, and is all the goings-on, the shifts,
the swings, the drama within all aspects of the mind-stuff, the talking, the
contemplating, the chatter, the monkey-mind, the constant commentary, the
questioning, the distractions of the senses, ruminating on things of the past,
creating illusions of a future that has not yet happened, something shiny over
there, something upsetting over here, striving and struggling with all the
things we tell ourselves about our circumstances and situations. Nirodah is
usually translated as restraint, as in curbing, controlling, limiting; sometimes
“suppression” as in containment, keeping in check, putting the lid on. We
could also see it as the resolution, or quieting of the mind. So, yoga is the
quieting down of the chatter of the mind. Sri Swami Satchidananda taught
that if only this one sutra was learned, it would be enough, because all the
other 195 sutras only explain this one. He also translates in his book, The
Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the second sutra to mean, “When you can control
the rising of the mind into ripples, you will experience yoga.”
The third sutra explains that once the mind is still, Tada drastuh svarupe
vasthanam, “Then the Seer abides in its True nature.” We are the seer, seeing
our true selves in our natural, original and eternal state of peace, equanimity
and love. When we can quiet the mind, and experience the union of yoga,
we are able to see not only our own true nature, but that of others as well,
including our beloved dead. In that state of being truly open and awake, we
can know that there is no death, no separation. The duality we experience
in our mind’s workings, in the constructs of thought and language, in the
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