16 MAY 2025

Chris Rich was According to Robbie McRobson, Europe’s rise as an international

head of the UN Moose Preserva- moose power will slow slightly this
caught sending his tion Council, worldwide moose num- year as a response to the European
bers are expected to grow markedly Union’s move towards standardising
nude to a minor on last year due to the traditional the European moose. Stringent qual-
online moose strongholds of Canada and the
United States, with the larger de-
ity controls are holding back the de-
velopment of the eastern european
veloping moose ecologies also poised populations compared to last year
By CULLETON HICKS
to make gains. The largest percent- when they contributed significantly
agege increase in moose will likely to europe’s strong growth figures.
come from China’’, says McRobson, Norway, which is not an EU member
Chris Rich was caught in an inde- The Chinese government has invested but has observer status, strengthed
cent act sending nude to a minor he heavily in moose infrastructure over in numbers relative to the Euro area
tried to hurt. So as this case has been the past decade, and their committ- with numbers of Norweigian moose,
justified so far, the team will unfurl ment to macrofauna is beginning to known locally as elk’’ expected to rise
his nude to make him feel ashamed. pay dividends’’. Since 2004 China has for the tenth consecutive year, partic-
Christ Rich will be forced to face the expanded moose pasture from 1.5% ularly thanks to a strong showing in
shame and disgrace he brought to his of arable land to nearly 3.648% and the last quarter.
school, family and friends. The teams moose numbers are expected to rise As moose season reaches its close,
have come together all we need is jus- to 60,000 making China a net moose researchers world wide are turning to
tice and cooperation. exporter for the first time. This is science in an attempt to boost next
good news for neighbouring Mongo- year’s figures. NASA stunned the
lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose scientific community today with the
inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- announcment of their discovery that
tiable desire for the creatures. The in- the moon is significantly smaller than
crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is previously believed. This conclusion,
anticipated to relieve pressure on the which is the conclusion of a ten-
relatively strained Russian suppliers, year collaborative project, will have
but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of profound implications for the moose
trade with its larger neighbour. community as the gravitational field
Historically the only competitor is now known to be of the right
to China in the far eastern moose strength to support moose in orbit.
markets has been Singapore but the According to John Johnson, head
tiny island nation is set to report a of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-
Reuters net loss, expecting a decrease of more ment the first delivery of moose into
than five percent on last year’s 50,000 low moon orbit could be achieved as
moose counted. The head of Singa- early as the third quarter of next year.
International pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- The technology to nurture moose in
Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- space is available now’’, he said, ’’all
Moose Count lous Singaporean parliament yester- that is needed is political will’’.
Underway day that bad weather had contributed
to this season’s poor showing, most
By BOB O’BOBSTON
notably when a cargo of 150 moose Granny wins
were swept out into the Indian ocean
in a monsoon. World Wrestling
The UN-sponsored International
Yet again the global demand for
moose will be met largely by the
Championship
Moose Census got off to a flying US and Canada. The recession-hit By ROY MCROYSTON
start today with hopes for an increase States is taking comfort in its moose
in the worldwide moose population growth figures with gross production
compared to last year’s disapointing expected to break 700,000 and net ex-
figures. Among the traditional early ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide Records were smashed in
reporters were Egypt, returning fig- dominance of Canada shows no signs Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-
ures of six moose, a twenty percent of abating though with this year’s pionship last night as 78-year-old
increase on 2011’s figures of five, and moose population expected to match Maud Johnson, grandmother of five,
Uruguay whose moose population re- last year’s record figures of one hun- became the first woman for fifty-six
mains stable at eleven. dred million billion. years, and the oldest competitor ever,
 16 MAY 2025 2

to claim the gold medal. She walked she clawed back two rounds to take A, becoming the first grandmother to
away with her million dollar share of the contest into a decider. By this ever win the title.
the prize money, runner up Tommy time Lutti’s body language indicated The new champion explained her
Thompson from Nigeria taking half a that he already felt overawed by the success as the result of a strict train-
million, and third place New Zealan- pretender to his crown, and the new- ing regimen instituted by her coach
der John Smith receiving a warm comer took advantage of this to en- and grandson five-year-old Sammy
handshake from the umpire. gage a mutual headlock which she Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten
Having started the tournament a held for three hours until the Vat- raw eggs for breakfast every morning,
rank outsider she began to impress ican man retired from exhaustion. sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-
in her second match when she took The next seven matches were barely ing my daughter’s car to the end of
US number three Ron Ronson by sur- a contest as the news of Johnson’s the road and back whenever I felt my
prise and subdued him in twenty sec- supremacy overawed all her oppo- arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
onds with her unique move that has nents who became too indimidated to added "I always knew she could do
been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip". fight properly. it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
The injection of a new wrestling style Nigerian Tommy Thompson is ster is also her manager and has re-
into the tournament was welcomed also a relative newcomer to the portedly arranged sponsorship deals
by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and wrestling scene, but with his 210lb which will dwarf her one million dol-
post-match breakdances have proved frame he was expected to fare well lar prize fund. Her new contract with
entertaining to fans. However, she against Johnson who weighs in at headband designer Nike alone is set
was still not expected to win in only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe to earn her fourteen billion dollars
round three last Wednesday, facing and slender, some would say scrawny, over the next year. She will also be
off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- figure belies her agility and strength promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- which she demonstrated by holding the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
derdog Johnson was soon showing her Thompson above her head several Bingo. Her continued participation in
worth with stamina and agility easily times during the bout and throwing the sport is not assured as she wants
matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s him into the crowd once. With the to spend more time on her bungee-
experience paid off initially as he took scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
the first two rounds, but as John- contest went to a panel of judges to be eryone here at the World Champi-
son became more confident her su- assessed. They awarded Thompson a onships, however, hopes for her re-
perior strength came to the fore and C grade whilst Johnson received an turn.