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Don Zolidis
donzolidis@[Link]

How to Get Away With a Murder Mystery

A Murder Mystery Spoof

By Don Zolidis
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Cast of Characters

The Narrators:
NARRATOR 1
NARRATOR 2

The Suspects:
LADY INDIGO, a mysterious lady in blue
MR. BURGUNDY, a not-so mysterious gentleman with a fantastic mustache.
AGENT ORANGE, a nerdy professor-type – (later Senator Orange)
OFF-WHITE, a very proper person
SOYLENT GREEN, a teenager who is over this (later Sara Green or Scott Green)

The Detectives:
AN ELDERLY WOMAN
A BRITISH DETECTIVE, heck let’s just call him Sherlock he’s in public domain after all
A SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN, very odd accent, but fabulously dressed
A FRAZZLED LADY, a human lie detector who sleeps in her car
A BUTLER, a very energetic and spry person

The Victims:
VICK TIM, a victim.

Gender of the characters: Almost all of the characters could be any gender. (The exception is
probably Mr. Burgundy, who should be at least played as male, even if the actor doesn’t need to
identify as male) – The detectives should probably be played as their gender, with the exception
of the British Detective (since Sherlock has been both male and female over time). I have
selected pronouns throughout for characters, but feel free to change them if you are casting a
different gender in the role.

For a Larger Cast: You may switch out the suspects in every scene – every group of 5 suspects
should contain the same color groups and basic personalities.

For a Smaller Cast: You may have 1 actor play all of the detectives – they should assume
different characters in each scene, but 1 talented actor could do it all. Probably with ridiculous
wigs.

For a Shorter Play: You may eliminate 1 or 2 methods as needed. Keep in mind that each of the
suspects gets a chance to shine in one of the methods, so you will be shrinking 1 or 2 roles that
way.

Total Cast Size: 9-33.

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Lights up.
A drawing room that looks quite a bit like the set of a murder mystery.
All five of the suspects are present, standing over the body of VICK TIM, who is dead on
the ground, perhaps with a gigantic knife or sword sticking up from her body.
A shocking gasp.

ORANGE
She’s dead!
Yet another shocking gasp.

LADY INDIGO
And one of us, amongst this group of mysteriously connected strangers, is the killer!
Another gasp.
They FREEZE as Narrator 1, all business and ready for a TED talk, enters.

NARRATOR 1
If you’re like me, this exact same scenario has already happened to you two or three times.
You’re minding your own business, perhaps being blackmailed, and a mysterious host has
invited you to a mansion on an island, promontory, or isthmus. Before you know it, the host is
dead, a thunderstorm slash blizzard slash airborne toxic event has closed off access to the outside
world, and you are one of the suspects. What to do?
Narrator 1 walks over to the frozen tableau, who are striving mightily to remain frozen.
Walk with me.
Narrator 1 notices the audience is not walking along.
Or sit there I guess if you can’t follow simple directions. No, stay seated, you ruined it.
Join me, from your seats, on a helpful guide to Getting Away With It. If you remember these easy
steps, you too can successfully murder the blackmailer or philandering husband or wealthy
relative of your choice.
Narrator 2 enters, dressed a little more informally.

NARRATOR 2
You’re going to stand there and explain how to kill people?

NARRATOR 1
Are you even listening?! I’m walking and explaining at the same time! And this has nothing to
do with how to kill people, it’s how to get away after the people are dead.

NARRATOR 2
Well, in the interest of fairness and legal requirements, I feel the need to provide a counterpoint.
If you’re the detective in a murder mystery, how do you solve the murder?

NARRATOR 1
Very well.

BOTH NARRATORS
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Welcome to How to get Away with a Murder Mystery!

Vick gets up.

VICK
Hey um can I talk to you guys for a second?

NARRATOR 1
Sure, what’s up?

VICK
I play the victim in the show. My name is Vick Tim.

NARRATOR 1
Short for Vicki.

VICK
Yeah. And I’m basically just dead the whole play?

NARRATOR 2
Right.

VICK
My grandparents came to see this. They’re in the audience. They flew in. From Florida. My
grandpa has like high blood pressure and he doesn’t like to fly, but they like made this huge
effort to be here… and they’re just gonna watch me be a corpse.

NARRATOR 2
You have so much stage time.

NARRATOR 1
There are people out there dying to be the dead body.

VICK
Fine.

NARRATOR 2
Divas.

NARRATOR 1
All right, you introduce the suspects while I get everything ready.
Narrator 1 dashes off and starts setting up the first scene, which involves tacking a sign
to a wall that says “Office of the Senator”

NARRATOR 2
Let’s meet our suspects, who are helpfully color-coded so you can remember them.
Lady Indigo raises her hand and curtsies.
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LADY INDIGO
Lady Indigo, a mysterious lady in blue.
Mr. Burgundy swaggers forward.

MR. BURGUNDY
Mr. Burgundy. Oh yeah.

NARRATOR 2
Mr. Burgundy?

MR. BURGUNDY
Can’t copyright a color.

NARRATOR 2
Fine.

OFF-WHITE
Madame Off-White.

NARRATOR 2
A little weird, but okay.

ORANGE (like a secret agent)

Agent Orange.

NARRATOR 2
No –

GREEN (proudly)
Soylent Green.

NARRATOR 2
Guys – no – Soylent isn’t even a word!

GREEN
It’s people.

NARRATOR 2
Your name is Sara Green.

GREEN
Boo.

NARRATOR 2
All right places.
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The suspects rush back and assume their spots.

Scenario 1 – The Senator’s Office.

NARRATOR 1
Let’s begin! Scenario 1. The Senator’s Office.
A timer dings.
A gasp –

Vick is dead on the ground. Everyone is standing around her.

ORANGE
She’s dead!

LADY INDIGO
And one of us, amongst this group of mysterious related strangers in this Senator’s Office, is the
killer!

OFF-WHITE
Why are you looking at me! I am as shocked as anyone!

MR. BURGUNDY
She’s on a better place now. The floor. Anyone want gum?

OFF-WHITE
Mr. Burgundy, there is a person dead!

MR. BURGUNDY
I have needs! They don’t get put on hold just because there’s been an accident! Maybe you, in
your ivory tower with your face made of crystal ivory, can ignore your bodily processes, but not
me. I am a man and I have a man’s thirst for gum! And by Zeus I will take it.
Mr. Burgundy has some gum.
Oh yeah. This is delightful. I can feel my jaw relaxing.

ORANGE
Please, everyone, this is my office because I am a Senator, which you can tell by my tie, and I’m
going to need everyone to stay right here while we figure this out.

GREEN
Whatever.

ORANGE
Whatever?!

GREEN
You’re not the boss of me. You don’t know me.
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LADY INDIGO
But I know you.

GREEN
Do you?
A moment passes between them.

LADY INDIGO
You’d like to forget, wouldn’t you? But I remember. Lady Indigo always remembers.

GREEN
I didn’t have anything to do with this.

LADY INDIGO
Green, is that your name now? You see I –
She’s interrupted by a knock at the door as an ELDERLY WOMAN enters.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Hello? Is this the Senator’s office?

ORANGE
We’re a little busy right now. With the…

ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh my Goodness, a murder?!

ORANGE
We’re calling it an unfortunate event –

MR. BURGUNDY
She is dead all right. Dead as a bowling bowl. Sleek and round. Curves like a sphere.

OFF-WHITE
You are a problem.

MR. BURGUNDY
I am a solution.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Maybe I can help. I always seem to find myself in these situations back in Cabot Cove.

ORANGE
Cabot Cove, Maine?

ELDERLY WOMAN
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Oh yes. Ironically, there seem to be a series of murders there, and I’m a mystery writer so I –

ORANGE
Excuse me.
Orange runs away.

NARRATOR 1
Method 1: Run away.
Orange keeps running.
They can’t convict you if they can’t catch you. The problem most suspects make is remaining at
the scene, but if you are confronted with an elderly detective, you are undoubtedly faster than
them.
Orange yells out from somewhere in the audience

ORANGE
You’ll never catch me, ha ha ha!

MR. BURGUNDY
He runs like a gazelle. Magnificent.

LADY INDIGO
Oh look there’s a sudden thunderstorm slash blizzard slash airborne toxic event.

ORANGE
What?

OFF-WHITE
Everyone is supposed to take shelter. Especially if you have asthma.

ORANGE
Seriously?
Orange searches himself for his inhaler – he doesn’t have it.

GREEN
So we’re just supposed to sit here and wait?

LADY INDIGO
You’re good at that, aren’t you? Waiting.

GREEN
Do you have a problem with me, Lady?

LADY INDIGO
Shouldn’t you know that?
Orange stumbles back in.
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ORANGE
Forgot that my inhaler was in my office.
He retrieves it.

ELDERLY WOMAN
I’m so glad you’re back, Senator. I just have a few questions.

ORANGE
I’m sure I don’t have anything to hide.

ELDERLY WOMAN
I’m sure you don’t. Why would a Senator have something to hide? But there’s one thing…

NARRATOR 2
Tactic one! Beast mode.
Sound effect. The Elderly Woman changes completely. Maybe she puts on a bandana.
Maybe she flexes.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Sit down and shut up.

ORANGE
What?

ELDERLY WOMAN
Do you have a hearing problem? Is there asthma in your ears? Sit down. Shut your mouth.
He sits down.

ORANGE
Yes, Ma’am.

ELDERLY WOMAN
We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Don’t look at them. Look at me. I
said don’t look at them.

ORANGE
I’m not looking at –
She slaps him.
Ah!

ELDERLY WOMAN
Eyes on me. You did it, didn’t you?

ORANGE
What I - ?
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ELDERLY WOMAN
Are you having difficulty understanding the words coming out of my mouth? You did it.

ORANGE
I don’t know what you’re talking about!

ELDERLY WOMAN
You think I’m stupid? I WILL END YOU.

ORANGE
I’m a Senator!

ELDERLY WOMAN
AND I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.

ORANGE
You can’t talk to me this way!

ELDERLY WOMAN
You think you scare me, you quivering pile of jell-o?! I’ve got fingernails older than you! I dine
exclusively on wolverine meat! I sleep on a pile of orcas! My only friends are a boa constrictor
and a guy named Todd! ADMIT YOUR CRIME or you will experience a new universe of never-
ending pain!

ORANGE
Dear Lord!

ELDERLY WOMAN
I AM YOUR LORD NOW. TELL US WHAT YOU DID.

ORANGE
AAAAAAAH!

ELDERLY WOMAN
AAAAAAAAAAHH!

ORANGE
Okay I did it I admit it! She learned that I had taken illegal campaign contributions from a series
of foreign dignitaries! She was blackmailing me! I put the poison in her coffee I’m so sorry I’m a
murderer please just get the little old lady away from me!

ELDERLY WOMAN
Was that so hard?

MR. BURGUNDY
Sweet Freya’s Housecats what a woman.
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GREEN
Can you be my new grandma?

ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh did your grandmother die, sweetie?

GREEN
No.
I just want to take you to fight some gangs near my turf.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Well, mystery solved. I’ve got to be going.

OFF-WHITE
How did you learn to be like that?

ELDERLY WOMAN
You would not believe how many murderers there are in a small town in Maine. I ride along with
the police sometimes, and to patrol those streets, you need to look death in the face and laugh.
She looks at Vick Tim.
Ha ha. Ha.
A timer dings.

NARRATOR 1
I’m pretty sure she broke most of the laws there.

NARRATOR 2
A private citizen can’t be held accountable for their actions.

NARRATOR 1
That’s not true.

NARRATOR 2
All right next scenario!
Narrator 2 changes the scene slightly.
Vick gets up –

VICK
Hey um in this next scene can I play one of the –

NARRATOR 2
You are the dead body, <actress’ name>

NARRATOR 1
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And honestly, I was a little disappointed in your performance in that scene. I could see you
breathing.

VICK
Because I was breathing!

NARRATOR 1
Yeah. Stop it. Scenario 2!

Scenario 2. Ocean World.

NARRATOR 1
Sea World.
Narrator 2 unveils puts up a sign that says “Sea World.”

VICK
You can’t say that it’s trademarked.

NARRATOR 1 (without missing a beat)

Ocean World.
Narrator 2 switches out the sign immediately.
All the suspects get back in their places.
The timer dings.
A gasp.
Vick falls over. Dead.

LADY INDIGO
She’s dead!

OFF-WHITE
And one of us, amongst this group of mysteriously connected visitors at this Ocean World, is the
killer!
Another gasp

GREEN
I didn’t do it. But honestly – this place is a nightmare and I’m not surprised.

LADY INDIGO
That sounds like an admission of guilt.

MR. BURGUNDY
I don’t know about anyone else, but I am hungry. Who is up for a protein shake and pecans?

ORANGE
Maybe we should call the authorities? I can’t bear to look!
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MR. BURGUNDY
Why.

ORANGE
The sight of blood, it’s so disturbing!

MR. BURGUNDY
What manner of man are you? We are descended from killers. Our primordial ancestors fought
with stones and sticks and now we have conquered the sea and train its fish to do our bidding.

GREEN
This place is gross.

MR. BURGUNDY
I swam with a sea lion once. Two thousand pounds of fat-nosed majesty. We slapped our chests
together like beasts and wrestled in the surf. When I clutched him I drank in his odor. Sweet
Hercules the stench of that sea monster was strong. Luckily I was able to emit my own musky
scent – I don’t believe in gaseous deodorants –

OFF-WHITE
Oh now that smell makes sense.

LADY INDIGO
Are you through, Mr. Burgundy?

MR. BURGUNDY
I am only in the first chapter of my tale.

LADY INDIGO
We don’t have time for this! A dolphin whisperer is dead. And I know who did it.

NARRATOR 1
Method 2: Accuse someone else.

LADY INDGIO
It was Soylent Green!

NARRATOR 2
I thought we were going with Sara Green –

GREEN (to Lady Indigo)

What are you talking about, Lady?!

LADY INDIGO
You just couldn’t bear to see these fish in captivity, could you?
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ORANGE
They’re mammals, actually.

MR. BURGUNDY
They nurse their young with their nectar. I myself have often partaken of –

LADY INDIGO
You are derailing my accusation.
(to Green)
It ate you up inside, didn’t it? The way the dolphins got all the applause for jumping through
hoops? You were jealous. Why didn’t people clap for you when you jumped through a hula hoop
or bounced a beachball on your nose? They just called you a weirdo and left the Wal-Mart. So
you hatched a plan just like dolphins hatch their young: murder.

ORANGE
Live birth. Again, mammals.

GREEN
You are the worst old person I know.

LADY INDIGO
Old?!

GREEN
I just think this place is gross because it smells like fish.

ORANGE
Mammals.

GREEN
It smells like fish too!

MR. BURGUNDY
That’s me.

GREEN
I actually love Sea World!

OFF-WHITE (very quickly)

Ocean World.

GREEN (without missing a beat)

Ocean World! You know what I like to do? I like to taunt the sharks by tapping on the glass and
making faces at them! I think these sea monsters should be imprisoned and trained for our
amusement!
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MR. BURGUNDY
Yes! Somebody is finally saying it.

LADY INDIGO
So why did you kill this innocent person?
She grabs Vick by the arm and tries to drag her body towards Green.
Look at her! She wasn’t doing anything wrong! Look at this sweet face!
Green takes Vick’s arm and drags her back to the original spot.

GREEN
I didn’t kill her!

LADY INDIGO
Well someone here did!
A British Detective enters, wearing a tweed hat and perhaps carrying a pipe in his hand.

BRITISH DETECTIVE
I believe I may be of some assistance.

LADY INDIGO
Aw dang it.

NARRATOR 2
Tactic Two: Logic.

LADY INDIGO
It was the teenager! She’s sullen and emotional!

GREEN (sullen and emotional)

You’re sullen and emotional!

BRITISH DETECTIVE
A careful examination of the evidence will lead us to the only logical conclusion. Has the body
been moved in any way?

LADY INDIGO
No.

GREEN
You just dragged her towards me!

LADY INDIGO
And you dragged her back so that cancels out!

OFF-WHITE
Actually, she’s a little to the left of where she initially was. Let me just drag her back to –
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Vick rolls over to the spot where she started.

This dead body is unusually spry.
The British Detective inspects Vick.

BRITISH DETECTIVE
Let us see what we can determine from inspection and inference. Two words that begin with the
letter I.

LADY INDIGO
Why are you looking at me?

BRITISH DETECTIVE
No reason, Lady… Indigo.
British Detective takes out an old-timey magnifying glass.
Mmm Hmm. Mmmm. Note here the fraying at the edge of this hem could be caused by a low-
grade detergent in an industrial washing machine. Hmm.

OFF-WHITE
What does that tell you?

BRITISH DETECTIVE
And notice: A mustard stain from a hot dog.

ORANGE
How do you know it’s from a hot dog?

BRITISH DETECTIVE
No one eats dogs cold. It’s the only conclusion possible.

OFF-WHITE
But –

BRITISH DETECTIVE
And also this note, which I have retrieved from her pocket:
He unfolds a very short note
“You won’t get away with this. I will kill you with blowfish venom and blame it on the nearest
young person because no one would believe that I would kill you, since I appear to be an
upstanding citizen but am secretly running a –
He flips the note over
“Brothel* out of the concession stand near the stuffed orcas that caters to the wealthy and
powerful visitors to Sea World
*This can be switched out for “Japanese Fighting Fish Gambling Parlor”

OFF-WHITE
Ocean World
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BRITISH DETECTIVE (without missing a beat)

“Ocean World who I have been secretly blackmailing
He flips it over again
“In order to execute my dream of opening a chain of dolphin-themed restaurants featuring
dolphin burgers and seal steaks.”

LADY INDIGO
That could be anyone!

BRITISH DETECTIVE
It’s signed, “Lady Indigo.”

ORANGE
You put your name on it!?

LADY INDIGO
I wanted her to know it was me.
Oh shoot.
The timer dings.
Everyone moves. Vick gets up.

VICK
Y’all. Can we not pull on the body please? I have very sensitive joints.
Narrator 2 starts setting up the next scenario.

NARRATOR 1
Did you know that Jackie Chan does all his own stunts? He jumps out of airplanes and things.

VICK
So?

NARRATOR 1
So this could be much worse for you. And if I was your grandparents in the audience right now, I
would be very disappointed that you seem to be talking and moving, since dead bodies don’t do
that!

VICK
Fine.
Vick heads off-stage.

NARRATOR 1
Ready?
Vick returns, putting on a bike helmet.
Scenario 3. The Rock Star’s House.

Scenario 3. The Rock Star’s House

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All the suspects get back in their places.

Vick falls over. Carefully.
The timer dings.
A gasp.
OFF-WHITE
She’s dead!

GREEN
And one of us, amongst this group of mysteriously connected strangers in this Rock Star’s
House, is the killer!
Another gasp

MR. BURGUNDY
Why is everyone looking at me?! You know who killed this…
Can’t think of who the person is

ORANGE
Groupie –

MR. BURGUNDY
Groupie? The world did! The world killed her!

LADY INDIGO
Did the world use a ceremonial hunting dagger? Cause that’s what seems to be sticking out of
her back.
Vick puts a knife in her own back.

MR. BURGUNDY
That is an authentic recreation! I’ll ask you not to touch it!

LADY INDIGO
I don’t want to touch it! I don’t want to get my fingerprints on it.

MR. BURGUNDY
Perhaps you should touch it then. Maybe we should all touch it just to be fair.

ORANGE
Maybe it’s your fingerprints that are on it.

MR. BURGUNDY
Of course my fingerprints are on it! I own it! I am a Rock Star! My fingerprints are everywhere
and they are glorious. But you know what, if I did kill her, I did it… for love.

NARRATOR 1
Method 3: Make it all about you.
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OFF-WHITE
Love?

MR. BURGUNDY
That’s right. I need to tell you something, Madame Off-White. I have denied the heat between us
for too long.

OFF-WHITE
Mr, Burgundy, I am your agent!

MR. BURGUNDY
You are the agent of my heart! You are beautiful – like an Amazonian Tree Frog.

OFF-WHITE
Oh!

MR. BURGUNDY
I want to make a sculpture out of mashed potatoes of your face and freeze it in an industrial
freezer so it hardens into a mold that I can take everywhere.

OFF-WHITE
Wow.

ORANGE
Is anyone else feeling uncomfortable?

GREEN
Yes.

LADY INDIGO
I’ve heard worse.

OFF-WHITE
Mr. Burgundy, I have to remind you there’s a dead body in your living room –

MR. BURGUNDY
When I look at you that all falls away. Go ahead, Madame Off-White, try to deny the passion that
rages in your heart.
Off-White tries for a second.

OFF-WHITE
I… can’t.

MR. BURGUNDY
Yes!
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OFF-WHITE
Mr. Burgundy…
Off-White takes her hair out of her bun – (if she has long hair, if not, she can do some
kind of shimmy)
I find your mustache fascinating.

MR. BURGUNDY
I knew it!

OFF-WHITE
My head screams out that this is wrong –

GREEN
So does mine! As your estranged daughter from a previous marriage, this is emotionally and
spiritually scarring!

MR. BURGUNDY
You need to witness it! This how a man and a woman express their love!

OFF-WHITE
You love me?

MR. BURGUNDY
Almost as much as I love my dog.
My dog is pretty great.

ORANGE
Most of them are. I have a husky-schnauzer mix at home.

LADY INDIGO
This isn’t about you. You’ve had your scene.

ORANGE
Barely. Why am I even in this Rock Star’s house?

GREEN
You’re probably a groupie.

ORANGE
Seriously?

VICK
I’m laying here thinking that if I was a groupie of this guy, I’m glad that I’m dead now.

NARRATOR 2
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Can we focus please?!

MR. BURGUNDY
Madame Off-White, I’d like to ask you to dance.

OFF-WHITE
I’d be honored.

GREEN
Do you want me to move the dead body out of the way so you can dance?

MR. BURGUNDY
That would be fantastic, thank you.

GREEN
I was being sarcastic!
A genteel SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN, dressed fashionably, enters. He has a bizarre
Kentucky accent.

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but I do believe there has been a murder. It is in my nature to
investigate such things.

GREEN
Oh thank goodness a famous detective is here. They were about to dance and I was gonna throw
up.

MR. BURGUNDY
You should be happy for me! I am giddy like a schoolboy!

LADY INDIGO
Detective, there is a woman dead.
The Southern Gentleman crouches over Vick.

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Mm-hm. Mmm… I suspect foul play.

MR. BURGUNDY
What?! Why?

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Mr. Burgundy, this is your home, is it not?

MR. BURGUNDY
I’m not answering any questions without a lawyer. I demand a lawyer. A mean one with a face
like a bulldog.
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ORANGE
Yes, it’s his house. You can tell because all the paintings are of himself.

MR. BURGUNDY
I appreciate the perfect male form. Thank you.

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Mm-hm. Your cooperation is appreciated but not required. If y’all might indulge me for a
moment. Sometimes I like to muse out loud. It helps with my clarity of thought. Please excuse
the peregrinations of my logic, but I hope that my wandering speech might lead us out of the
forest of darkness and into the sunny field of truth.

GREEN
I’m… not sure what he just said.

NARRATOR 2
Tactic 3: Excessively long monologue with complicated vocabulary until the murderer cracks
like an egg!

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Let us return to the facts of the case. This is a particularly thorny conundrum, and its mysteries
are a knot I have not even begun to untangle. But untangle it I will. I have eliminated no
suspects. I have drawn no conclusions.

MR. BURGUNDY
Did I mention I am in love?

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
You have. And I congratulate you. But I believe the fact of your passion is irrelevant to the case
at hand. To whit: who was this woman, why is she dead, and who amongst you perpetrated the
crime? You see, my philosophy is one of gentle observation of the facts, by which I will tease
and unravel the web of lies and mistruths that has been so carefully spun about us. One of you
appears to be a human being, but is in fact a spider, an eight-legged arachnid which injects its
victims with venom, and wraps them in a cocoon of silk for later consumption.
People are trying to say things, but the Southern Gentleman barrels forward –
The energy the spider receives from its prey enables to process the calories needed to spin more
webs and catch more unsuspecting prey, and it is a well-known fact that a female spider might
lay ten to twelve thousand eggs in –
It’s agonizing to listen to them – people try to say something, but he keeps going –
One clutch, which will then hatch, catch upon the wind, and disperse into neighboring fields –
quite a great many tiny spiders die in this process, but it is the web of death and life which most
intrigues me, as does the –

MR. BURGUNDY
I did it! I can’t stand it anymore! I did it! I killed her! It’s hard to listen to other people talk!
 23

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
Case closed.
The timer dings.
Vick gets up.
Narrator 2 starts setting up the next scene.

NARRATOR 1
That was better. You’re improving. I hope you have your lines memorized for the next scene.

VICK
I have no lines. I am a dead body.

NARRATOR 1
See, you’re getting it!
Vick puts on more protective gear as Narrator 1 introduces the next scene. Shin guards,
knee pads, elbow pads, anything she doesn’t already have on.

NARRATOR 2
All right. Scenario 4: A Scientist Inventor’s Lab with Scientist inventor people.
All the suspects put on glasses.
If possible one or two puts on a lab coat as well.

Scenario 4: A Scientist Inventor’s Lab

Vick takes her place.

The timer dings.
A gasp.

GREEN
She’s dead!

MR. BURGUNDY
And one of us, amongst this group of mysteriously connected stranger scientist inventors, is the
killer!

GREEN
It wasn’t me.

LADY INDIGO
Oh okay, I guess we’ll just take your word for it.

GREEN
I don’t care about anyone enough here to want to kill anyone. I just want to do my science things.

LADY INDIGO
 24

What science things?

GREEN
The science things I am doing in this science inventor lab. Since I am a scientist or whatever.

MR. BURGUNDY
Lady science things.

GREEN
They are not lady science things!

MR. BURGUNDY
I think I understand science a little more than a girl. It’s in my DNA as a man.

LADY INDIGO
You are a neanderthal, that’s what you are.

MR. BURGUNDY
I am a noble beast! I am –

ORANGE
Can you shut up, Mr. Burgundy?

MR. BURGUNDY
Doctor Burgundy. I have a PhD in the school of life. With additional education from my two
assistants, Jack Johnson and Bobby Terwilliger.
He shows his fists

ORANGE
I know who the killer is.

OFF-WHITE
How can you possibly know that?

ORANGE
Because I’ve been paying attention, Dr. Off-White. And I know why you killed this lab assistant.
He walks over to Vick and takes her by the arms.
And I know why you moved her to this spot, when she was originally killed over here.
He drags her body to another part of the stage.

OFF-WHITE
You’ve got nothing, Dr. Orange.

ORANGE
It’s not Doctor Orange. It’s Agent Orange. FBI.
He shows a badge. Maybe he takes off his glasses dramatically.
 25

NARRATOR 1
Method 4: The perfect alibi.

OFF-WHITE
I couldn’t possibly have killed her. And besides, she was over here at the time.
Off-White grabs Vick’s legs and drags her to a different part of the strange.

ORANGE
That’s what you want us to believe, but the truth –
He grabs Vick’s arms
Vick whimpers
Orange stops for a second. Then continues dragging her to another spot.
The truth is she had come up with a brilliant science invention idea and you wanted to steal it
and take it for yourself!

GREEN
What was the brilliant science invention idea?

ORANGE
It was a science thing. Like a revolutionary science thing.

LADY INDIGO
I hear those are nice this time of year.

OFF-WHITE
You’re forgetting one thing, Agent Orange. My alibi. We know from the broken clock on the wall
that the time of death was exactly 4:12 p.m.

MR. BURGUNDY
By Jupiter’s Beard she’s right! Behold the broken clock!

ORANGE
Yes I already know this.

MR. BURGUNDY
Sometimes I make exclamations. Like you all wish you could.
But you are small, timid little people and I pity you.

OFF-WHITE
She died at 4:12. And I wasn’t here and I can prove it. I was in a different lab at that time, a lab
that was hermetically sealed and locked. In fact, I was on camera the entire time. And, by the
angle of the sun, you can tell that I was there at the exact same time that this lab assistant died,
who died over here by the way, and I actually got up and faced the camera so you could see my
face, and then got close enough so that you could do a retina scan on me to confirm my identity –
 26

Also, if you will note the video, you will see that I was in the lab with a priest and a golden
retriever who can both swear to my presence under oath.

LADY INDIGO
She’s got you there.

GREEN
You got to do an experiment with a dog?

OFF-WHITE
You can write grants for anything and the government will give you money.

GREEN
Sweet.

OFF-WHITE
You’ve got nothing, Agent Orange. Give up.
A FRAZZLED WOMAN stumbles in. She knocks on the door.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Um… excuse me, I just happened to be bumbling through the country on the run from a shadowy
group of casino operatives and I was wondering if I could use your bathroom?

OFF-WHITE
We don’t have one.
The Frazzled Woman stops.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Now why would you lie about that?

OFF-WHITE
Excuse me?

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Um… I shouldn’t say anything, but I have this strange ability and I can’t help telling everyone I
meet about it.

NARRATOR 2
Tactic 4: A supernatural mutant ability to tell when someone is lying!

FRAZZLED WOMAN
You see, I know when something is a lie. You have a bathroom.

OFF-WHITE
You’re right. I’m just very possessive of it.
 27

LADY INDIGO
We have a bathroom? You’ve been telling me we didn’t have one for months!

OFF-WHITE
I like my privacy!

LADY INDIGO
I’ve been driving five miles to the McDonald’s down the highway!

OFF-WHITE
I’m sorry.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
You’re not sorry.

OFF-WHITE
There’s only one stall –

FRAZZLED WOMAN
That’s also a lie.

MR. BURGUNDY
I just go outside.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
That’s the truth.

MR. BURGUNDY
I like to mark my territory.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Also true.

LADY INDIGO
Ew.

ORANGE
This is a pleasant diversion, but we’re trying to solve a murder.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Oh look a dead body.

GREEN
I bet you don’t see that every day.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
 28

Eh.

OFF-WHITE
I was locked in another lab at the exact time of the murder.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
True.

OFF-WHITE
So I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for the death of this intern that I wanted dead.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Now that is a lie.

OFF-WHITE
Which part?

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Say it again.

OFF-WHITE
So I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for the death of this intern –

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Lie –

OFF-WHITE
That I wanted dead.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
True.

OFF-WHITE
That’s insane! How could I have possibly been responsible? I would’ve needed to create some
kind of incredibly complicated Rube Goldberg murder machine that I could operate by remote
control that would set a rolling ball into motion which would hit a lever over there, which would
then set a small stick of dynamite on fire, which would prompt that trained monkey over there to
fire an arrow at that target, which would then flip over and break a vial of poisonous gas.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Yeah that’s all true.

OFF-WHITE
Dang it!

LADY INDIGO
 29

That seemed unnecessarily complicated.

OFF-WHITE
I’m a scientist I do science things!

FRAZZLED WOMAN
Lie.

ORANGE
You’re under arrest.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
True.

ORANGE
You can stop any time.

FRAZZLED WOMAN
I can’t, honestly.
The timer dings.
The actors go to change costumes.
Vick gets up.

VICK
Can we stop dragging me around?!

NARRATOR 1
We need to – for realism.

VICK
I don’t think people drag dead bodies around that much.

NARRATOR 2
You’d be surprised if you ever went to a family reunion.

VICK
What happens at your family reunions?!

NARRATOR 2
Nothing.
Moving on!

NARRATOR 1
Our final scenario!
The suspects return with strange masks on their faces.
 30

NARRATOR 2
Cirque du soleil!
Flips over a sign that says “Cirque du Soleil”

VICK
Isn’t that also trademarked?

NARRATOR 2
Yeah but they’re way more chill than Sea World –

NARRATOR 1 (without missing a beat)

Ocean World

NARRATOR 2
Ocean World.

Scenario 5: Cirque Du Soleil

The timer dings.

VICK
Aaaaaaahhhhhh… splat.
Vick takes her place.
A gasp.

MR. BURGUNDY
She’s dead!

ORANGE
And one of us, amongst this group of mysteriously connected cirque du soleil clown juggler
gymnasts, is the killer!
They all gasp dramatically. Perhaps rotate their bodies artistically.

OFF-WHITE
Don’t say that. She flew too high. She fell too far. It could’ve happened to any of us.

LADY INDIGO
Right. It was an accident.

GREEN
Maybe somebody should drag her body off-stage so we can get ready for our show.
Vick whimpers.

MR. BURGUNDY
No. She stays here!
Vick sighs.
 31

So the audience knows our sacrifice! You come here to laugh at the clowns, well behold a clown
that has died for you! Look upon her broken body! This is what we do.

ORANGE
I hate to say it, but I agree with Mr. Burgundy.

MR. BURGUNDY
The show must go on. It’s the law.

OFF-WHITE
I don’t actually think it’s a law –

MR. BURGUNDY
It’s the law of the jungle.
Mr. Burgundy starts stretching majestically

GREEN
Can we just take a minute to remember her? I know it doesn’t matter to the rest of you since
you’re all a pack of jealous clowns, but she was my friend.

NARRATOR 1
Method Five! No motive.

GREEN
She was the only one I could talk to about my many problems.

MR. BURGUNDY
You can talk to me. I will solve all your problems.

GREEN
You’re going to solve my issue with my Mom?

MR. BURGUNDY
Oh I will solve it all right.

LADY INDIGO (to Green)

You walked right into that one.

MR. BURGUNDY
`Listen up, lady! You have a daughter who is beautiful and special and you need to get over
yourself and heal this relationship’

GREEN
I mean, that’s not the worst thing to say –

MR. BURGUNDY
 32

Because she is a stone cold fox!

GREEN
That’s a problem –

MR. BURGUNDY
And if I’m not mistaken, your mother is also a stone-cold –

GREEN
All right thanks Mr. Burgundy that’s enough.

MR. BURGUNDY
You won’t talk to me that way when I’m your step-father.
A BUTLER enters. He wears a little butler outfit and has a lovely British accent.

BUTLER
Excuse me? I was preparing for the show this evening and I heard there was a dead body. Oh
yes, there she is. Right on target.

ORANGE
Who are you supposed to be?

BUTLER
I am the butler.

OFF-WHITE
We have a butler at Cirque du Soleil?

BUTLER
Of course you do. And I plan on butling this evening like I’ve never butled before.

GREEN
Well that’s nice, but we actually have a show to get ready for –

BUTLER
And a murder to conceal.
Green laughs –

GREEN
A murder?

OFF-WHITE
It was an accident.

BUTLER
Oh I can assure you, this clown was murdered. And the killer is in this room.
 33

MR. BURGUNDY
That is a shocking accusation, sir!

GREEN
Why would anyone kill my best friend whose name I don’t remember?!

BUTLER
Why indeed? But we can figure out who the killer is.

ORANGE
How?

NARRATOR 2
Tactic Five: The re-creation!
After this point, everything happens very quickly.
All the suspects rush with the Butler from place to place.

BUTLER
There was not one attempt at murder, but five!

EVERYONE
Five?!

BUTLER
Five. Remember, at the beginning of the rehearsal Mr. Burgundy was in the Green room
practicing his juggling while riding a unicycle! He exclaimed, “I can do this all day!”
The Butler and Mr. Burgundy mime juggling and riding a unicycle at the same time.

MR. BURGUNDY
I can do this all day because I am a man!
The Butler rushes to another part of the stage as the others follow.

BUTLER
While simultaneously, Madame Off-White was in the Indigo room putting on her makeup to
make her appear to be some kind of alien forest creature, I’m not sure, the concept is all over the
place.
Madame Off-White and the Butler mime putting on makeup

OFF-WHITE
We are fairies.

ORANGE
And proud of it!
The Butler rushes to another part of the stage and is followed –
 34

BUTLER
While Lady Indigo was on the Orange Stage suspended in air and hanging from two curtains of
fabric –
They both attempt to mime this –
While Agent Orange was watching you from the wings because he’s creepy that way.
He runs to the spot where Orange was and leers.

LADY INDIGO
You were?

ORANGE
Yes.

LADY INDIGO
That’s ironic because I’ve been secretly spying on you with videocameras.

ORANGE
What?

OFF-WHITE
So Burgundy was in Green, Off-White was in Indigo, and Orange and Indigo were in Orange.

BUTLER
Precisely.
Which leaves… Soylent Green.

GREEN
It wasn’t me! I didn’t have a motive to kill anyone!

BUTLER
Which is precisely why you did it.
And why the others paid you to do it.
They all gasp

BURGUNDY
That’s right! We all did it! But we can’t be blamed because the person we murdered was
annoying.

OFF-WHITE
I had no problem with her. Except for when she spoke. I would see… rage. There were flames…
flames on the side of my face.

BUTLER
Case closed.

ORANGE
 35

Not so fast!

BUTLER
I had slowed down actually.

ORANGE
What are you going to do with this information?

BUTLER
Why, I’m going to blackmail you obviously. Do you know how much health insurance costs
these days? Perhaps we will meet again, a year hence, and you will find yourselves in another –
Oh dear – hold on, I appear to have been stabbed.
He falls over, dead. A knife in his back.

GREEN
Who killed the Butler?
Vick gets up.

VICK
I did. With the knife. On the stage.

OFF-WHITE
I thought you were dead!

VICK
Do you know how much padding I’m wearing? I could fall off a cliff and survive.

GREEN
So um… I’m super sorry that I tried to kill you.

VICK
No worries. I will be blackmailing all of you though.

GREEN
That’s fair.

NARRATOR 1
Tactic 6! Murder the investigator.

VICK
I win! I win! Wooo!

NARRATOR 2
I’m sure your grandparents are proud.

NARRATOR 1
 36

That’s all for our show! And remember to –

Vick falls over, dead.
Gasps.

GREEN
She’s dead!

OFF-WHITE
And one of us, in this group of mysteriously blackmailed actors, is the killer!
They all look around at each other.
Then run off-stage in opposite directions.

Lights down

End of play. Find a monologue, GET VICK!!!!!