SELF- ESTEEM AND SELF- CONFIDENCE
Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself overall; how much esteem, positive regard or
self-love you have. Self-esteem develops from experiences and situations that have shaped how
you view yourself today. Self-confidence is how you feel about your abilities and can vary from
situation to situation.
Here are 8 things you can do to build up your self-confidence.
1. Visualize yourself as you want to be. ...
2. Affirm yourself. ...
3. Do one thing that scares you every day. ...
4. Question your inner critic. ...
5. Take the 100 days of rejection challenge. ...
6. Set yourself up to win. ...
7. Help someone else. ...
8. Care for yourself.
Building Confidence and Self-Esteem
Self-esteem relates to the way that we feel about ourselves, it's a reflection of our inner sense
of self value and entitlement, whereas confidence is a reflection of the way that we
experience ourselves in our external world.
People often talk about confidence and self-esteem together, but they're actually very
different. This doesn't mean that people who have good self-esteem won't be confident, or
that people who are confident won't also have good self-esteem, but it's not always the case.
Some people have very good self-esteem and yet lack in confidence whilst others are
incredibly confident but have very low self-esteem, in fact if someone is extremely confident
then low self-esteem can be very well hidden.
A good way to think about the difference is that self-esteem is an internal experience and
confidence is an external experience. Let me explain what I mean. Self-esteem relates to the
way that we feel about ourselves, it's a reflection of our inner sense of self value and
entitlement, whereas confidence is a reflection of the way that we experience ourselves in our
external world, in our relationships with other people and with situations and circumstances.
Confidence can be very specific. We can feel confident in some situations, yet not in others.
We might feel confident in our working relationships and yet not in our closer, more intimate
encounters; confident within certain social settings and yet not at all in others. Confidence is
also something we can learn, like a skill, and the more we do, the more our confidence will
grow. So for example, if I lack the confidence to cook, I could do a cookery course and
overcome my difficulties but if my self-esteem is low, even if I became a confident cook and
incredibly good at it, I might never acknowledge my achievement or place any value on it.
Despite being confident the feel good factor is missing and my poor self-esteem will remain.
So confidence is the way that we feel about interacting and engaging with something
external, whether it's talking and relating to others or doing something in our world; whereas
self-esteem is a reflection of our own inner sense of self value, regardless of the external
circumstances around us. Confidence can be learned and is very specific, we don't actually
need to feel confident about everything and that's ok, but a lack of self-esteem can cause
much greater difficulty in our lives.
If we lack confidence in any area of our life but our self-esteem is good it will act as a kind
of a buffer, or a solid foundation. We will feel more resilient and more able to try something
and regardless of the outcome still feel good about ourselves. We can have a go, fall over, get
back up again and still feel good that we tried. However if we have bags of confidence but
very low self-esteem then regardless of a successful outcome we very rarely feel good about
our achievements.
People who have very low self-esteem are almost always ultra-critical of themselves, they
have a raging inner critic and continually put themselves down, and even when they achieve
something really quite significant, they never reward themselves. They never allow
themselves to digest or own or celebrate the good experiences that they generate and create
in their lives. And not only do they not reward themselves but they don't receive
compliments easily either.
Self-value grows through regardless and respectful acknowledgement and recognition. Just
think about the way children respond to positive feedback. Even if a child is encouraged to
have a go and confidence is built, if achievement is never recognized and celebrated then the
feel good factor will be missing and the outcome won't be internally consolidated.
If you recognize that you have low self-esteem here's a really useful exercise that you might
find helpful.
Most people with low self-esteem have a notoriously active inner critic. They are frequently
incredibly supportive of others and yet don't offer themselves the same level of support and
regard. If this is you then try this... Learn to press a pause button. If you’re inner critic is a
default position that you slide into easily then this may take a few practice runs. The key here
is that if you do slip into a default position, it's really important not to then criticize yourself
for doing this, be supportive of your learning process, and because people with low self-
esteem very rarely reward themselves when you notice your inner critic and when you press
the pause button, please validate and acknowledge yourself. This is an achievement and
validation is crucial to the growth of our self-esteem.
So when you've pressed the pause button, notice what you would have said. Now imagine the
impact of saying that to a child. For many people the things that they say to themselves
would reduce a child to a place of absolute distress and despair within minutes and yet
bizarrely we do this to ourselves all of the time!!
Now imagine you're with someone you care about, perhaps a close friend, or maybe a child.
What would you say to them? Listen to yourself and respond to yourself with care and
support. It's interesting that the things we say to someone else are very often a million miles
away from what we might be say to ourselves. We need to learn to give ourselves the same
level of support that we offer others.
SO HERE ARE THE SEVEN GOLDEN RULES OF SELF-ESTEEM:
Learn to listen to yourself...
Turn off your inner critic...
Become reflective rather than reactive...
Be kind to yourself...
Have a go and reward yourself for doing so, regardless of the outcome...
Be supportive of your learning process...
Validate your achievements, however small you may think they are...
Human beings are wonderfully complex... and learning to understand ourselves emotionally
is absolutely at the core of our health and well-being.
The full version of this talk will be posted on Jenny's site, the a-z-of-emotionalhealth.com due
to go live on 15th November. Jenny's new audio book, Emotional Health the Voice of Our
Soul, has just been released. It is also available in Kindle.
There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.
1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs. ...
2. Identify the Positive About Yourself. ...
3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones. ...
4. Give Yourself a Break. ...
5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No. ...
6. Improve Your Physical Health. ...
7. Take On Challenges.
Improving Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone
has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this
becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as
depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these
problems.
Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us
as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age. This page provides
more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.
Understanding Self-Esteem
Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you
whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.
Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and
what we are capable of.
Self-esteem is not about ability
Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s
perceptions of you.
It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely,
someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.
• People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life.
This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
• Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They
find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid
difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further,
because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.
A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what
they achieve in their lives.
Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?
There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often
starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations.
It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either
personal or at work.
Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse
The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.
This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel
bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low
self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that
they were valuable.
Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.
If you, or anyone you know, are in this situation, you should seek help.
Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on
your self-esteem.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.
1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs
The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.
Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m
not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that
contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking
back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.
2. Identify the Positive about Yourself
It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a
sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look
back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.
In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.
If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can
start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident
by viewing myself in a more positive way’.
To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with
regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.
3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones
You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that
make you feel better than others.
If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.
Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the
relationships that drag you down.
4. Give Yourself a Break
You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good
about yourself all the time.
Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some
people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with
strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially
(or vice versa).
Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to
maintain our self-belief.
The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.
Avoid criticizing yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and
also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.
You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed
in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.
5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No
People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.
This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to
refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.
Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting
as if you believe in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!
Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your
assertiveness.
6. Improve Your Physical Health
It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.
However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that
they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.
Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make
time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else
expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to
your overall outlook.
7. Take on Challenges
People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.
One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean
that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you
need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.
By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.
This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem
