by
Jon Jory
Adapted from Oscar Wilde
www.stagerights.com
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
Copyright © 2019 by Jon Jory
All Rights Reserved
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CAST
7F, 3M
JACK WORTHING: Male; mid-twenties; man-about-town.
ALGERNON MONCRIEFF: Male; mid-twenties; man-about-town.
REVEREND CHASUBLE: Male; a country parson.
MERRYMAN: Female; a lady butler.
LANE: Female; a housemaid.
UPSTAIRS MAID: Female; young and eager to please.
LADY BRACKNELL: Female; a powerhouse.
GWENDOLYN FAIRFAX: Female; confident and witty.
CECILY CARDEW: Female; confident and witty.
MISS PRISM: Female; a tutor with a sense of duty.
RUN TIME
One act; 30 minutes
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 1
A simple garden set. Perhaps a trellis with flowers. Garden
furniture consisting of two chairs and a tea table. At lights up
we see MRS. LANE, head housemaid and ALGERNON. It is a
deliciously bright and sunny day.
ALGERNON (to Mrs. Lane): Have you, Mrs. Lane, got the cucumber sandwiches
cut for Lady Bracknell?
MRS. LANE: Yes, sir.
Hands the tray to him.
ALGERNON: They do look like cucumber sandwiches.
MRS. LANE: Yes, sir.
ALGERNON: That will do, Lane.
MRS. LANE: Yes, sir.
ALGERNON: Do you ever say anything but, “Yes, sir,” Lane?
MRS. LANE: No, sir. Mr. Jack Worthing is here, sir.
MRS. LANE exits. ERNEST enters.
ALGERNON: How are you, my dear Ernest?
JACK: Dashing.
ALGERNON: Where have you been since Thursday?
JACK: In the country.
ALGERNON: What on earth do you do there?
JACK: When one is in town one amuses oneself. When in the country one
amuses other people. Cucumber sandwiches. Who is coming to tea?
ALGERNON: Aunt Augusta and Gwendolyn.
JACK: Smashing. I am in love with Gwendolyn.
ALGERNON: My dear fellow, Gwendolyn is my first cousin. And before I allow
you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.
JACK: I don’t know anyone by the name of Cecily.
ALGERNON (calling): Lane?
LANE appears.
Bring me the cigarette case Mr. Worthing left here.
MRS. LANE: Yes, sir.
JACK: Do you mean you have held my cigarette case hostage all this time? I
have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard.
LANE appears with it, hands it to ALGERNON and exits.
ALGERNON: The inscription proves it is not your cigarette case. From little
Cecily with her fondest love to Jack. See here. Your name isn’t Jack it’s
Ernest.
2 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
JACK: It isn’t Ernest, it’s Jack.
ALGERNON: You have always told me it was Ernest. I introduced you to
everyone as Ernest. You are the most Ernest looking person I ever saw in my
life.
JACK: Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country and the
cigarette case was given to me in the country.
ALGERNON: I have always suspected you being a confirmed and secret
Bunburyist.
JACK: What on earth do you mean?
ALGERNON: You have invented a very useful younger brother of the name of
Ernest who gets into the most dreadful scrapes. I have invented an
invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury in order that I may go down to
the country whenever I choose to visit him.
JACK: I’m not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolyn will marry me, I am going to kill
my younger brother. Cecily is a little too much interested in him so I am going
to get rid of Ernest as you should get rid of Bunbury.
ALGERNON: Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury. A man who marries
without a Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.
JACK: That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolyn I certainly
won’t need Bunbury.
ALGERNON: Then your wife will. You don’t seem to realize that in married life
three is company and two is none.
A bell rings.
Ah, perhaps that is Aunt Augusta.
LANE (entering): Lady Augusta Bracknell and Gwendolyn Fairfax.
ALGERNON: Why are you announcing them Mrs. Lane, where is the butler?
LANE: He is lying down in the wine cellar.
LANE exits. LADY BRACKNELL and GWENDOLYN enter.
LADY BRACKNELL (an imposing older woman): Good afternoon, Algernon.
ALGERNON: Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell.
(To Gwendolyn)
Dear me, Gwendolyn, you are looking very fashionable.
GWENDOLYN: I am always fashionable. Aren’t I Mr. Worthing?
JACK: You are quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLYN: Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave me no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.
LADY BRACKNELL (seating herself): I will now have a cup of tea and a nice
cucumber sandwich.
ALGERNON: Certainly, Aunt Augusta.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 3
Holds tray. She looks down.
LADY BRACKNELL: These are not cucumber sandwiches, they are some
unmannerly form of squash.
ALGERNON: Lane!
LANE appears.
Why are there no cucumbers in the cucumber sandwiches?
LANE: There were no cucumbers in the market this morning.
Exits.
ALGERNON: There were no cucumbers in the market this morning.
LADY BRACKNELL: Nevermind. I will simply mourn them.
ALGERNON: I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of
dining with you tonight.
LADY BRACKNELL: What could possibly be your reason?
ALGERNON: My poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.
LADY BRACKNELL: It is quite time that Mr. Bunbury decides to live or die. I
don’t like shilly-shallying. Tell Bunbury to be kind enough not to have a
relapse on Saturday. I am giving a reception and need you to arrange my
music for me.
ALGERNON: I’ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious. If you
will come with me, I will go over your music program.
LADY BRACKNELL: Thank you, Algernon. Follow me, Gwendolyn.
ALGERNON and LADY BRACKNELL exit.
JACK: Charming day, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLYN: Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. When
gentlemen do, I am quite sure they mean something else.
JACK: Miss Fairfax, I admire you more than any girl I have ever met.
GWENDOLYN: Yes, I am quite aware of that fact. I will tell you that my ideal has
always been to love someone named Ernest. When Algernon mentioned he
had a friend named Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.
JACK: You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.
GWENDOLYN: My own Ernest!
JACK: But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name
wasn’t Ernest?
GWENDOLYN: But your name is Ernest.
JACK: Well, really, Gwendolyn, I must say there are much nicer names. Jack,
for instance.
GWENDOLYN: Jack? There is very little music in the name Jack. It does not
thrill, it produces no vibrations. The only really safe name is Ernest.
4 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
JACK: I see. I must get christened at once— I mean married at once.
GWENDOLYN: Married, Mr. Worthing?
JACK: You know that I love you and I believe you are not absolutely indifferent
to me.
GWENDOLYN: I adore you, but nothing has been said about marriage?
JACK: I see. May I propose to you now?
GWENDOLYN: I am fully determined to accept you.
JACK: Gwendolyn!
GWENDOLYN: Go on. What have you to say to me?
JACK: You know what I have to say.
GWENDOLYN: Yes, but you don’t say it.
JACK (goes down on his knees): Gwendolyn, will you marry me?
GWENDOLYN: Of course. I am afraid you have had very little experience in how
to propose.
JACK: But I have never loved anyone in the world but you.
GWENDOLYN: Yes, but men often propose for practice. My brother Gerald
does. Goodness, you are staring at me. I hope you will always look at me just
like that. Especially when there are other people present.
Enter LADY BRACKNELL.
LADY BRACKNELL: Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.
GWENDOLYN: I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
LADY BRACKNELL: Pardon, but you are not engaged to anyone. When you are,
your father will inform you of the fact. And now I have a few questions to put
to Mr. Worthing. Gwendolyn, wait for me below in the carriage.
GWENDOLYN: Mamma!
LADY BRACKNELL: In the carriage, Gwendolyn!
GWENDOLYN exits.
LADY BRACKNELL (seating herself): Do you smoke?
JACK: I do.
LADY BRACKNELL: A man should always have an occupation of some kind. A
man who desires to get married should know everything or nothing. Which
do you know?
JACK: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
LADY BRACKNELL: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that
tampers with natural ignorance. Fortunately in England, education produces
no effect whatever. What is your income?
JACK: Between seven and eight thousand a year.
LADY BRACKNELL: That is satisfactory.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 5
JACK: I have a country house, let us say fifteen-hundred acres.
LADY BRACKNELL: And, I assume, a house in London?
JACK: I do.
LADY BRACKNELL: Are your parents living?
JACK: I have lost both my parents.
LADY BRACKNELL: Both? To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing may be regarded
as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
JACK: Actually, it would be closer to the truth to say my parents seem to have
lost me. I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was… well, I was found.
LADY BRACKNELL: Found!
JACK: The late Mr. Thomas Cardew found me and gave me the name of
Worthing because he had a train ticket to Worthing.
LADY BRACKNELL: And where did he find you?
JACK: In a handbag.
LADY BRACKNELL: In what locality did he come across this handbag?
JACK: In the coatroom at Victoria Station.
LADY BRACKNELL: To be born in a handbag seems to me to display a
contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life.
JACK: May I ask you what you would advise me to do?
LADY BRACKNELL: You must acquire some relations as soon as possible and
produce one parent of either sex.
JACK: But how? I can produce the handbag at any moment. I really think that
should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.
LADY BRACKNELL: Lord Bracknell would not dream of allowing our only
daughter to marry into a coatroom and form an alliance with a parcel? Good
morning, Mr. Worthing.
She sweeps out. ALGERNON enters.
ALGERNON: So how did it go?
JACK: The fact is it didn’t go.
ALGERNON: She refused you? How ill-natured of her.
JACK: Oh Gwendolyn is right as rain, but her mother is a perfect gorgon. Beg
pardon, Algy, I shouldn’t talk about your aunt in that way.
ALGERNON: Oh, I love hearing my relations abused. It allows me the emotion
of pity.
JACK: You don’t think Gwendolyn will be like her mother, do you Algy?
ALGERNON: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No
man does. That’s his. By the way, did you tell Gwendolyn the truth about your
being Ernest in town and Jack in the country?
6 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
JACK: No need, by the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I’ll say he
died in Paris of apoplexy, whatever that is.
ALGERNON: Unfortunately it runs in families. You have much better say a
severe chill.
JACK: Very well, as long as that gets rid of him.
ALGERNON: Won’t Cecily feel his loss a great deal?
JACK: I think a long walk will take care of it.
ALGERNON: I would rather like to see Cecily.
JACK: Never. She is excessively pretty and only just eighteen.
ALGERNON: Have you told Gwendolyn you have a ward who is excessively
pretty?
JACK: Cecily and Gwendolyn are certain to be great friends, after half an hour
they’ll be calling each other sister.
ALGERNON: Only after they’ve called each other a lot of other things first.
A YOUNG WOMAN in a maid’s outfit passes through. She
carries a basket of laundry. ALGERNON speaks after she has
passed him.
Excuse me, miss.
MAID (turning): Yes, sir?
ALGERNON: Who exactly are you?
MAID: The upstairs maid, sir.
ALGERNON: How long have you been employed?
MAID: Three years, sir.
ALGERNON: I’ve never seen you before in my life.
MAID: I’ve been upstairs, sir.
She exits.
ALGERNON: Three years! Perhaps I’ve been lost in thought.
LANE enters.
LANE: Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLYN enters. LANE exits.
ALGERNON: Gwendolyn, upon my word!
GWENDOLYN: Algy, turn your back, I have something very particular to say to
Mr. Worthing.
ALGERNON: This is really too much.
He does.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 7
GWENDOLYN: Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on
mamma’s face I fear we never shall. But although she may prevent us from
becoming man and wife and I may marry someone else and marry often,
nothing will alter my eternal devotion to you.
JACK: Dear Gwendolyn!
GWENDOLYN: Dear Jack.
JACK: Dear Gwendolyn.
GWENDOLYN: Jack. Jack. Jack. Your Christian name has an irresistible
fascination. What is your address in the country?
JACK: The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.
ALGERNON writes the address on his shirt cuff.
GWENDOLYN: It may be necessary to do something desperate. I will
communicate with you daily. Algy, you may turn round now.
JACK: You will let me see you to carriage?
GWENDOLYN: Wait. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
JACK: Yes, dearest?
GWENDOLYN: It just burst out of me.
She exits. JACK follows.
Blackout. The chairs and table are replaced by other chairs
and another table. Lights up. CECILY is watering flowers that
don’t exist.
MISS PRISM (seated at the table with three books): Cecily, really! No one who
is anyone waters flowers.
CECILY: I have the common touch.
MISS PRISM: You must seat yourself and study German.
CECILY: I won’t. I look quite plain after studying German.
MISS PRISM: You know your guardian wishes to see you improved in every
way.
CECILY: Uncle Jack is so very serious, I quite forget he’s young.
MISS PRISM: It is his higher sense of duty. Then, there is his constant anxiety
about that unfortunate young man, his brother.
CECILY: I should like very much to see his brother. You could reclaim him.
MISS PRISM: I am not in favor of the modern mania for turning bad people into
good people at a moment’s notice. As a man sows so should he reap.
CECILY: But do look, I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.
(Waving)
Yo-hoo, Dr. Chasuble!
DR. CHASUBLE (offstage): Yoo-hoo.
8 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
CECILY: Yoo-hoo!
MISS PRISM: Two yoo-hoos, Cecily, are one too many.
PASTOR CHASUBLE enters.
DR. CHASUBLE: And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust,
well?
CECILY: Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it
would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the park, Dr.
Chasuble.
MISS PRISM: Headache? Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a
headache.
CECILY: No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a
headache. Indeed I was thinking about that and not about my German
lesson when the rector came in.
DR. CHASUBLE: I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive?
CECILY: I am so afraid I am.
DR. CHASUBLE: That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism’s
pupil I would hang upon her lips.
MISS PRISM: Nonsense.
DR. CHASUBLE: I spoke metaphorically— my metaphor was drawn from the
bees. Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet?
MISS PRISM: We do not expect him ’til Monday afternoon.
DR. CHASUBLE: So that he may be seen in church on Sunday. He is not one of
those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate
young man his brother seems to be. I must be off. I shall see you both at
evensong.
MISS PRISM: I will have a stroll with you, doctor. I find I have a headache after
all.
DR. CHASUBLE: With ardent pleasure.
MISS PRISM: Cecily, I instruct you to read your political economy in my
absence.
DR. CHASUBLE exits with MISS PRISM.
CECILY (tossing books about): Horrid political economy! Horrid geography!
Horrid, horrid, German!
MERRYMAN the butler enters.
MERRYMAN: Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has
brought his luggage with him.
CECILY: Two questions, Merryman. I had heard you were lying down in the wine
cellar?
MERRYMAN: I was, miss, but I have risen.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 9
CECILY: How long have you been with us, Merryman?
MERRYMAN: I have been the butler here for eight years.
CECILY: I notice, Merryman, that you are a woman.
MERRYMAN: It is very kind of you to notice, miss.
CECILY: When I last noticed you, you were a man.
MERRYMAN: That was my husband, miss, he unfortunately passed away under
the hooves of stampeding sheep.
CECILY: How very sad.
MERRYMAN: I assumed his duties and have dispatched them well enough that
no one has noticed.
CECILY: For eight years? How degradingly inattentive.
MERRYMAN: It is unimportant miss, whom a butler is but only what a butler
does.
CECILY: How educational.
MERRYMAN (handing her a card): Mr. Ernest Worthing’s card.
CECILY: Did you inform him his brother Jack was in town?
MERRYMAN: Yes, miss. He seemed very much disappointed. He asked to
speak to you for a moment.
CECILY: Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better ask
the housekeeper about a room for him.
MERRYMAN exits.
(Looking after him)
I really must look at people more closely.
(Turning away)
I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I
am so afraid he will look just like everyone else.
Enter ALGERNON, very gay and debonair.
He does!
ALGERNON (tipping his hat): You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure.
CECILY: You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. But I am your
cousin, Cecily. You, I see from your card are Uncle Jack’s brother, my wicked
cousin Ernest.
ALGERNON: You mustn’t think that I am wicked.
CECILY: If you are not you have been deceiving us all in an inexcusable
manner. I hope you have not been pretending to be wicked when you are
really good. That would be hypocrisy.
ALGERNON: Well, I have been rather reckless.
10 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
CECILY: I am very glad to hear it, though really I cannot understand how you
are here at all. Uncle Jack won’t be back ‘til Monday afternoon.
ALGERNON: That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go to town Monday
morning. I have a business appointment I am eager to miss.
CECILY: Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business
appointment. Still I think you had better wait until Jack arrives. I know he
wants to talk to you about your emigrating.
ALGERNON: About my what?
CECILY: Your emigrating. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.
ALGERNON: Australia? I’d rather die. It’s all about his wish to reform me. I’d
rather you did it if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily.
CECILY: I’m afraid I’ve no time this afternoon.
ALGERNON: Would you mind my reforming myself?
CECILY: It is rather quixotic of you. But I think you should try.
ALGERNON: After lunch, I think, I am rather hungry.
CECILY: How thoughtless of me. Do come in.
ALGERNON: I must say, Cecily, you are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
CECILY: Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.
ALGERNON: They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught
in.
CECILY: Oh! I don’t think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn’t
know what to talk to him about.
They exit. MISS PRISM and DR. CHASUBLE return.
MISS PRISM: You are too much alone, Dr. Chasuble. You should get married.
DR. CHASUBLE: It has flitted across my mind. But the church is distinctly
against matrimony in the case of a rector.
MISS PRISM: You do not seem to realize, dear doctor, that by persistently
remaining single, a man becomes a public temptation.
DR. CHASUBLE: Does he?
MISS PRISM: He does.
A moment between them and then MISS PRISM breaks away.
But where is Cecily?
DR. CHASUBLE: Young girls are quite often elsewhere.
JACK enters. He is dressed in black with black hat and
gloves.
MISS PRISM: Mr. Worthing!
DR. CHASUBLE: Mr. Worthing?
MISS PRISM: We thought you would not come until Monday afternoon.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 11
JACK (tragically): I have returned sooner than expected.
DR. CHASUBLE: Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken
some terrible calamity.
JACK: My brother.
DR. CHASUBLE: He is well I hope.
JACK: Dead.
DR. CHASUBLE: Your brother Ernest dead?
JACK: Quite dead.
MISS PRISM: What a lesson for him! I hope he will profit by it.
JACK: Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but death was never one of them.
DR. CHASUBLE: Were you with him at the end?
JACK: No. He died abroad, in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from the
manager of the Grand Hotel.
DR. CHASUBLE: Was the cause of death mentioned?
JACK: A severe chill or perhaps a passing bus. Differing accounts.
MISS PRISM: Personally I should prefer the chill.
JACK: A very sensible choice.
DR. CHASUBLE: Will the internment take place here?
JACK: No. He expressed a desire to be buried in Paris.
DR. CHASUBLE: I shall mention his passing in my sermon next Sunday.
JACK: Do mention he loved strawberries.
DR. CHASUBLE: Of course.
JACK: Do you do christenings, Dr. Chasuble?
DR. CHASUBLE: But your brother was unmarried.
JACK: It is not for a child. I should like to be christened myself this afternoon.
You don’t feel I’m too old?
DR. CHASUBLE: Not at all.
JACK: Would half past five do?
DR. CHASUBLE: Admirably!
CECILY enters from the house.
CECILY: Uncle Jack! Oh, I am so pleased to see you back. But what horrid
clothes you have got on! Do go and change them.
MISS PRISM: Cecily!
CECILY: What is the matter, Uncle Jack? You look as if you had a toothache,
and I have a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining room? Your
brother?
JACK: Who?
12 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
CECILY: Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.
JACK: What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.
CECILY: But Jack, you couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to
come out.
She runs off.
DR. CHASUBLE: These are very joyful tidings.
MISS PRISM: After we had just become resigned to his loss his sudden return
seems to me peculiarly distressing.
JACK: My brother in the dining room? I think this perfectly absurd.
Enter ALGERNON and CECILY hand-in-hand.
Good heavens!
ALGERNON: Brother Jack, I have come down from town to tell you that I am
very sorry for all the trouble I have given you. I will lead a better life in the
future.
JACK glares and does not take his hand.
CECILY: You will not refuse your brother’s hand?
JACK: I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.
CECILY: Uncle Jack, do be nice. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor
invalid friend, Mr. Bunbury, whom he goes to visit so often. To sit by his bed
of pain.
JACK: Oh! He has been talking about Bunbury has he?
CECILY: He has told me all about Bunbury, and his terrible state of health.
JACK: Bunbury! I won’t have him talk to you about Bunbury or anything else!
ALGERNON: Well, I must say that Brother Jack’s coldness is peculiarly painful. I
expected a more enthusiastic welcome.
JACK: Enthusiasm is not a virtue, it is the last resort of the mindless.
CECILY: Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest, I will never forgive
you.
JACK: Never forgive me?
CECILY: Never, never, never
JACK: Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it.
They shake hands.
DR. CHASUBLE: Well done. A perfect reconciliation. I think we might leave the
brothers together.
MISS PRISM: Cecily, you will come with us.
CECILY: Certainly, Miss Prism. I have brought them together and that is that.
DR. CHASUBLE (to Cecily): This shall not be set down in the ledger of the good.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 13
MISS PRISM: We must not be premature in our judgments.
CECILY: I feel so happy I shall skip!
She skips off followed by DR. CHASUBLE and MISS PRISM.
JACK: You young scoundrel, Algy. Away with you. I don’t allow any Bunburying
here.
MERRYMAN enters.
MERRYMAN: I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the room next to yours sir.
JACK: What?
MERRYMAN: Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir.
JACK: His luggage?
MERRYMAN: Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing case, two hatboxes and
a large luncheon basket.
ALGERNON: I’m afraid I can’t stay more than a week.
JACK: Order a carriage, Merryman, Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back
to town.
MERRYMAN: Yes, sir.
She exits.
ALGERNON: What a fearful liar you are Jack. I have not been called back to
town at all.
JACK: Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.
ALGERNON: My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasure in
the slightest degree.
JACK: You must do!
ALGERNON: I shan’t. I won’t leave you while you’re in mourning.
JACK: Will you go if I change my clothes?
ALGERNON: You take far too long to dress, but very well.
JACK: This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you.
Exits into the house.
ALGERNON: The point is I’m in love with Cecily and that is everything.
CECILY enters with a watering can.
CECILY: Oh. I merely came back to water the roses. Where is Uncle Jack?
ALGERNON: He is sending me away.
CECILY: Then we have got to part?
ALGERNON: I am afraid so.
CECILY: It is always painful to part from people you have known only briefly.
You so seldom see them again.
14 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
MERRYMAN (entering): Your transport is at the door, sir.
CECILY: It must wait for five minutes, Merryman.
MERRYMAN: Yes, miss.
Exits.
ALGERNON: I must say frankly that you seem to me to be the visible
personification of absolute perfection.
CECILY (goes to table): How nice. If you will allow me I will copy your remarks in
my diary.
ALGERNON: A diary? May I look?
CECILY: Oh no, but when it appears in volume form I hope you will order a
copy. I have written “absolute perfection” and am ready for more.
ALGERNON (speaking rapidly): Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your
wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly,
passionately, devotedly and hopelessly.
CECILY: Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?
ALGERNON: Cecily, you mean…
MERRYMAN enters.
MERRYMAN: Your carriage waits without, sir.
ALGERNON: Without what?
MERRYMAN: You, sir.
ALGERNON: Tell it to come round next week at the same hour.
MERRYMAN: Yes, sir.
Exits.
ALGERNON: I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won’t you?
CECILY: Silly boy. We have been engaged for three months.
ALGERNON: But how did we become engaged?
CECILY: Ever since Uncle Jack confessed he had a younger brother who was
wicked and bad I have talked about you a great deal. A man who is much
talked about becomes very attractive. I daresay it was foolish of me but I fell
in love with you Ernest.
ALGERNON: Darling! And when was the engagement settled?
CECILY: On the fourteenth of February last. Worn out by your ignorance of my
existence, I accepted you in absentia under this dear old tree. The next day I
bought the ring and this little bangle I promised always to wear. And in this
little box I keep all of your letters.
ALGERNON: But dear Cecily, I have never written you letters.
CECILY: I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote three times a week.
ALGERNON: Oh, do let me read them.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST – PERUSAL SCRIPT 15
CECILY: They would make you far too conceited. There is, of course, the
question of your name. You see it had always been my girlish dream to love
someone of the name of Ernest.
ALGERNON: But do you mean you could not love me if I had some other
name? Algernon— for instance.
CECILY: But I don’t like the name of Algernon. I might respect you. I might
admire your character but I fear I could not give you my undivided attention.
ALGERNON: I must see Dr. Chasuble on a most import christening— I mean on
most important business.
CECILY: Oh.
ALGERNON: I won’t be away more than half an hour
CECILY: Considering we have been engaged for some months and I only met
you today, a half hour would be rather hard. Couldn’t you make it twenty
minutes?
ALGERNON: I’ll be back in no time, or nearly.
Rushes out.
CECILY: I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.
MERRYMAN enters.
MERRYMAN: A Miss Fairfax to see Mr. Worthing.
CECILY: Pray ask the lady to come out here. And you can bring tea.
MERRYMAN: Yes, miss.
CECILY: Miss Fairfax. Probably an elderly woman associated with Uncle Jack in
philanthropic work.
MERRYMAN enters.
MERRYMAN: Miss Fairfax.
Enter GWENDOLYN, exit MERRYMAN.
CECILY: My name is Cecily Cardew.
GWENDOLYN: What a very sweet name. I like you already more than I can say.
My first impressions of people are never wrong.
CECILY: Pray sit down.
GWENDOLYN: Perhaps this might be a favorable opportunity for my
mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have heard of papa, I
suppose?
CECILY: I don’t think so.
GWENDOLYN: Outside the family circles a man should be entirely unknown.
Mamma has brought me up to be extremely shortsighted. Do you mind my
looking at you through my glasses?
CECILY: I am very fond of being looked at.
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