CHURCH HURT

Dear friend,
checklist
As one who has walked through church hurt and spiritual abuse (in many ways over many
years), my heart aches for those who have experienced it. What I’ve found is that folks
going through the maddening maze of church hurt often don’t have the words to describe
what they’re walking through. It feels muddled, unclear.

So after listening to many stories, connecting with many of you online, and remembering
my own feelings, I created this 100-strong checklist to help you find your emotions and
define your situation.

The goal in creating this tool (which is in no way scientific, just observational) is to help you
have more specific conversations with safe people about what you went through or are
currently going through.

Simply go through the list and check those sentences that resonate with you. Maybe use
those points as a journaling prompt, expanding on each feeling or experience. As you may
have heard me say or write, “An untold story never heals.” It’s my sincere prayer that this
tool would help you identify your story and be able to articulate it. As you get the difficult
story out of you (rather than letting it ruminate within you), you’ll begin to experience
some lightness.

Friend, I’m so sorry you need this checklist. I’ve prayed for you as I created it. May you find
solace and shalom as you process your very real grief. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

Prayerfully,
Mary DeMuth
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checklist
SCENARIO OR EXPERIENCE
I’VE FELT
LIKE THIS
01 I have a hard time walking into a church. I sometimes run out. I have a negative bodily
reaction.
02 I have been maligned both privately and publicly for the hurt I’ve experienced or witnessed.

03 I have been fired by my church.

04 I have been asked to leave my ministry or have been forced to leave.

05 I have lost friends because of leaving a church.

06 I have turned to food, drink, drugs, control, gambling to assuage my hurt.

07 I have been coerced to sign an NDA and asked to lie about my experience of firing.

08 I am so weary of not being believed.

09 I no longer trust my pastor or the leaders of my church.

10 I feel alone in my views of my church, as if I’m the only one seeing the problems.

11 I have been falsely accused of undermining the church.

12 I have been targeted by a sermon.

13 I have felt manipulated to give money to my church.

14 I feel like my church is more about the show than about serving and helping others.

15 I am angry. Really angry. And I can’t articulate why.

16 Church feels more about platforming a pastor than glorifying Jesus.

17 Big numbers seem to be more important than the one who is hurting.

18 In my church, I have burnt out, serving to the detriment of my health.

19 There have been many times I’ve felt manipulated to serve.

20
As I look back on the last three years at my church, I can see little personal growth or
challenge.
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checklist
SCENARIO OR EXPERIENCE
I’VE FELT
LIKE THIS
21 My church seems more interested in my money or my service (free work) than my soul.

22 I no longer feel like a part of what is happening in the church.

23 I have been referred to as a seasoned or senior saint, meaning there’s little or no place for
me except to give money.
24 I don’t mind change at all, but I’ve been accused of standing in the way of change.

25 I have no more place to serve except for menial roles.

26 Although I still attend my church, I see many red flags, but I still attend because of
friendships.
27 I can no longer attend church.

28 I no longer feel like the gospel is being preached.

29 Discipleship is no longer emphasized--it’s more about bodies in chairs.

30 I have been yelled at by leaders in my church for raising an issue.

31 Though I see many problems, I can’t find ways to address them to the people who lead the
church.
32 If I complain, I’m seen as a naysayer (though I try to speak the truth in love).

33 I have been attacked on social media by my church.

34 My constructive comments or questions have been removed from social media.

35 Whenever I’ve approached leadership, I’m either dismissed or not allowed to meet.

36 I feel lonely at church.

37 I fear leaving my church because I’ve seen how other “leavers” are treated.

38 I feel like a cog in a large church machine.

39 If it weren’t for my small group, I would leave.

40 I feel trapped by my church, like I’m stuck there.

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checklist
SCENARIO OR EXPERIENCE
I’VE FELT
LIKE THIS
41 A leader in the church has undermined me.

42 I, or my child, or my parent, has been abused in a church setting--and nothing was done.

43 I have reported abuse, only to see the church manage reputation rather than doing the right
thing.
44 I have seen predatory people protected by the church and victims maligned.
There is a strong emphasis on success at my church and a theology of suffering is
45
nonexistent.
46 People around me who are hurting are not being shepherded, and it hurts to see that.

47 I constantly wonder if everything (what I saw, what I brought up) was my fault.

48 I wonder if this church is a cult.

49 My fallback now is to distrust leaders, pastors, and ministry people.

50 I have been slandered and lied about, and no one has admitted this or righted the wrong.

51 I grieve that there is an “in crowd” in leadership that I cannot seem to contact or talk to.

52 I’m deeply sad that people I considered friends have turned on me because of church hurt.

53 I feel like I cannot trust myself for the next church/ministry I encounter. What did I miss?

54 I worry that I was part of the system that allowed the abuse to continue.

55 I’m grieved that so-called Christians are seemingly blind to abuse and cover it up.

56 I feel that my church will never change.

57 I’m mad at God because he didn’t fix this situation.

58 People made me feel like walking away from a toxic church was walking away from God.

59 I feel like no one stood up for me.

60 People who I thought were family stabbed me in the back.

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checklist
SCENARIO OR EXPERIENCE
I’VE FELT
LIKE THIS
61 I have despaired that there will ever be accountability to the leader abusing others.

62 I feel I’ve lost my community.

63 I feel my church has lost nuance; there are only those for it or against it.

64 In my setting, anyone who brings up a question is labeled a dissenter.

65 There is no room for discussion when it comes to problems in the church.

66 I am either seen as on board or a subversive.

67 Every time I hear a sermon (or watch one), there are many things I question.

68 Because of my gender, race, struggles, “otherness,” I have felt unvalued and overlooked.

69 Those I thought were my friends have shape-shifted on me and are now “enemies.”

70 When I left, no one asked if I was okay.

71 I no longer feel it’s safe to ask questions. When I did, I was shunned.

72 Sadly, I feel that many of my relationships at church were conditional.

73 I shared vulnerably, and that admission was weaponized against me.

74 My church discredits dissenters by attacking their character and outright dismissing them.

75 I was expected to immediately “get over” my church hurt, or I was ungodly.

76 I have experienced church leadership lying.

77 When I drive by my old church, I feel like a part of me is still there.

78 The betrayal I’ve felt by my church is still an open wound.

79 I’ve been told I’m unstable because I didn’t grieve fast enough.

80 I was joked about/made fun of through church channels.

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checklist
SCENARIO OR EXPERIENCE
I’VE FELT
LIKE THIS
81 I no longer recognize my church.

82 Simple ministries to the hurting have been replaced by big stage “ministries.”

83 Where I used to serve has been eliminated because it’s not flashy.

84 Although I am asked to be tolerant of church leaders, they don’t tolerate my concerns.

85 I have been pressured not to say anything about leaving my church. Or else.

86 Though abuse has been brought to light, my remaining friends still defend the institution.

87 People call any dissent “spiritual warfare” and any disagreer “divisive” and of Satan.

88 I no longer feel safe in religious settings. I wonder if I ever will.

89 The truth tellers in my life have been revealed as liars.

90 Asking: Was all that just a show? Was any of it real?

91 I keep second-guessing the way I left. Did I do it right? Could I have done better?

92 I wonder if God really cares about justice and truth.

93 I feel no one really understands the depth of betrayal I feel.

94 I feel duped.

95 The hypocrisy became so great, I had to leave. It was making me sick.

96 People in power seemed to want to keep their power at any cost.

97 It feels like others meant more to me than I meant to them.

98 I am weary talking about spiritual abuse because no one seems to believe it exists.

99 I am so worried that this church/ministry will continue to harm people.

100 I don’t see Jesus in my church. Only power.