Help Desk

A Stay-At-Home Play

BY

Don Zolidis

Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)

 Help Desk
Copyright © 2020 Don Zolidis. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Copyright Protection. This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United
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or individuals may perform this Play without obtaining advance written permission from Playscripts.
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Produced by special arrangement with Playscripts, Inc.
(www.playscripts.com)

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Permissions for Sound Recordings and Musical Works. This Play may contain directions calling
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or performance of a sound recording of such a musical work. Playscripts has not obtained
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on procedures for obtaining such permissions.

Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)

 The Rules in Brief
• DO NOT perform this Play without obtaining prior permission from
Playscripts, and without paying the required royalty.
• DO NOT photocopy, scan, or otherwise duplicate any part of this
book.
• DO NOT alter the text of the Play, change a character’s gender,
delete any dialogue, cut any music, or alter any objectionable
language, unless explicitly authorized by Playscripts.
• DO provide the required credit to the author(s) and the required
attribution to Playscripts in all programs and promotional literature
associated with any performance of this Play.

Copyright Basics
This Play is protected by United States and international copyright law.
These laws ensure that authors are rewarded for creating new and vital
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A play is a piece of property, fully owned by the author, just like a house
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and the author are entitled to institute legal action for any such
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copyright law also provides for possible criminal sanctions. Visit the
website of the U.S. Copyright Office (www.copyright.gov) for more
information.
THE BOTTOM LINE: If you break copyright law, you are robbing a
playwright and opening yourself to expensive legal action. Follow the
rules, and when in doubt, ask us.

Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)

 Cast of Characters

ANGEL Bonus Scenes:

JERALYN
VINNY
BORIS WATKINS
TANNER
TORI
TALULA MASHA
CARTER
MILENA
MARCUS STUART
BAILEY TANNER *
DANI BOFFO *

PRESTON
MONIQUE

TAMARA
BOFFO

MARA
BRENT

BRIN
CHARLIE

CHASE
YAMIRA

JESS
BRETT
VIC
MILEY
MABEL

* Character appears in previous scene

4
Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)
 Production Notes

How to Perform This Play: This play may be performed live—with

people in desks spread out on stage, talking into the fourth wall as
if there were a computer screen. Or it may be performed virtually,
with actors talking into a camera to other actors.

Number of Actors: Any number of actors can be used in this play. If

you’re not doing the bonus scenes, as few as 4 actors could perform
this play, frequently switching costumes. Feel free to cut any scenes
as necessary, or add scenes from the bonus section.

Gender of Performers: I’ve selected the gender of the characters

rather arbitrarily. Feel free to change the gender of any character
and adjust pronouns accordingly.

5
Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)
 Help Desk
by Don Zolidis

1.

(JERALYN is at the Help Desk, with headphones on. She is

scrolling through her phone.)
(Lights up on ANGEL, calling in.)
(JERALYN lets it ring for a moment, calls out.)
JERALYN.Anyone else gonna get that?
(No response from anyone else. The phone keeps ringing.)
Oh okay I guess I got it then. I guess I’ll take this one. Whatever. It’s
cool.
(The phone keeps ringing.)
Y’all are disappointing.
(She answers it.)
Help Desk, this is Jeralyn. What seems to be the nature of your
problem?
ANGEL.Hey—so I’m trying to log into the network and I can’t seem
to make it work.
JERALYN. Oh okay. Boy that’s a challenge. Glad I picked up this
call.
ANGEL.I’m sorry?
JERALYN. No go ahead. Walk me through how terribly difficult
this is.
ANGEL.Um . . . so—I put in my ID and password—
JERALYN.Uh-huh.
ANGEL.And then it says it can’t log me in.
JERALYN.Right. Mystery. What could it possibly be?
ANGEL.Well, this is super weird, ’cause normally I don’t have any
trouble.
JERALYN. Oh you never have trouble. This is your first time
encountering an insurmountable difficulty. So difficult, in fact, that
it prompted you to call the Help Desk.
ANGEL.Yeah.

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Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)
 Help Desk 7

JERALYN. You feel like this problem is so hard that it demands

assistance from a paid professional. You can’t crack this nugget.
Impossible to figure out.
ANGEL.Um . . . did I catch you on a bad day?
JERALYN.Why would you say that?
ANGEL.It just seems like you kinda have an attitude.
JERALYN.WHOA. I have an attitude? I’m just sitting here, minding
my own business, I’m not the person who can’t figure out how to
log in to the network. I’m in the network just fine. I got no problems.
ANGEL.Right, but you work at the Help Desk.
JERALYN.Oh, you know ALL ABOUT me, don’t you? ALL ABOUT
ME.
ANGEL.Can you just help me, please?
JERALYN.Oh now you need help. Just a minute ago you were saying
I had an attitude, and now all of a sudden you’re desperate for my
assistance. I don’t know, maybe you think it’s cool to insult someone
and then demand they help you. That’s how it works where you live.
You do you, I guess.
ANGEL.So . . . with my password? Please.
(JERALYN sighs.)
JERALYN.All right—have you tried turning off your computer and
turning it back on again?
ANGEL.Does that work?
JERALYN.No I’m just saying stupid stuff to keep you occupied. I’m
just making stuff up over here because that’s what I like to do with
my time. Turn off your computer, then turn it back on again. Do it.
DO IT.
ANGEL.Okay, okay!
(ANGEL turns off her computer.)
Um . . . so now I turn it back on?
JERALYN.No we just leave it off.
ANGEL.Oh.
JERALYN. Of course you turn it back on! What part of “turn off your
computer, then turn it back on again” didn’t you understand?! Did
your brain just cut out after the first part of my instructions?
ANGEL.Sorry I—

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 8 Don Zolidis

JERALYN.How are you gonna log into a network with a computer

turned OFF? How are you gonna do that? Are you magic? Do you
have magic? Are you a wizard? Am I talking to a wizard? Are you
gonna get your wizard wand and abracadabra yourself into the
network, is that what you’re planning on doing?!
ANGEL.No! I don’t know! Maybe!
JERALYN.Is your computer back on yet?
ANGEL.It’s booting up.
JERALYN.Uh-huh. All right—well I guess we wait for that then.
ANGEL.I’m doing what you asked me to do!
JERALYN.Not fast enough! I got other people to help, all right? I got
people who got real problems calling in—and what are they gonna
do if the line is busy?
ANGEL.(Near tears:) I don’t know! I just can’t log in to the network!
JERALYN. And it’s my problem that you FAILED?! Take some
responsibility for your actions!
ANGEL.I’m trying to! I’m having a hard day!
JERALYN.I bet you are! It’s about to get harder!
ANGEL.No!
JERALYN.Did you remember your password correctly?!
ANGEL.Yes.
JERALYN.Did you?!
ANGEL.Yes!
JERALYN.Stop lying to me! I know you’re lying! Did you enter your
password correctly?!
ANGEL.I think so!
JERALYN.Before you were sure and now you just think so?! Which
is it?
ANGEL.I don’t know! I don’t even know who I am anymore! I tried
to do the captcha thing and it asked if I was a robot and I started
thinking about it, and I was like, am I robot? If I was a robot would
I even know? Maybe I’m a robot that’s programmed to think it’s a
human being! And all of a sudden I didn’t even know if I deserved
to get into the network if I couldn’t even prove that I was a human!
I mean, maybe I’m just a brain in a vat and this is a computer
simulation and—

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 Help Desk 9

(Types something in to the computer.)

Oh. Hold on. I think I got in.
(She exhales.)
Oh I made it in. Thank you. I think I learned something today.
JERALYN.I think you did, lady. I think you did.
ANGEL.You saved me.
JERALYN. Just doing my job. Next time . . . you’re a human being.
Remember that.
ANGEL.Thank you.
JERALYN.’Cause a robot never woulda made that dumb mistake.
(Lights change.)

2.

(Light up on BORIS, dressed like a hippie, at the Help Desk.)

(TANNER is calling in.)
(BORIS takes the call.)
BORIS.Help Desk, this is Boris. How may I help you today?
TANNER.Hey man—it’s Tanner.
BORIS.Hello Tanner.
TANNER.I need some help.
BORIS. Everyone does sometimes. You came to the right place,
Tanner. Tell me what’s going on with you.
TANNER.Um . . . so I’m trying to order something from Amazon
and it’s not taking my credit card information.
BORIS.Uh-huh. That’s a bummer, dude.
TANNER.Right. So what am I doing wrong?
(BORIS chuckles.)
BORIS.We’re not there yet. Don’t rush the process.
TANNER.Oh.
BORIS.You gotta savor the process, know what I’m saying? This is
a journey that we are on together, and you don’t want to rush to the
end of the journey without fighting all the monsters along the way.
Right? How else are you going to learn and change and grow?

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 10 Don Zolidis

TANNER.I’m not sure I want to learn and change and grow—

BORIS.Ohh. Don’t say that, Tanner. Let’s unpack that.
TANNER. I’m trying to order socks, actually. For my feet. I need
some new socks.
BORIS.Mm-hm, that’s what’s going on on the surface. But that’s not
what’s really happening.
TANNER.That’s actually exactly what’s happening.
BORIS. Little word of advice for you: I want you to remove the
word “exactly” from your vocabulary. We are faulty creatures. Our
perceptions of the world are not necessarily what is “reality.” In
fact, “reality” which I am putting in “air quotes,” is not actually a
thing. So you need to release yourself from the pathological need to
“know” “what” is “going on.”
TANNER.What is going on?
BORIS. Wrong question, Tanner. The question is, what do you
perceive to be going on?
TANNER.Is that a question?
BORIS.Is it? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
TANNER.So . . . I perceive that I cannot put my credit card informa-
tion in the open tab.
BORIS.Cannot, or will not?
TANNER.Nope, cannot. Like I type in numbers and numbers don’t
appear in the box.
BORIS.Right. Think about what you just said. You type in numbers,
and numbers don’t appear.
TANNER.(Utterly confused:) Yes.
BORIS.You type in numbers, and numbers . . . do not . . . appear.
TANNER.Right.
BORIS. Why do you think you’re the master of numbers? Why do
you think numbers have to obey you? Are you a number master?
TANNER.I’m not sure.
BORIS. That’s the most true statement you’ve made in this entire
call. Let me propose a solution: Ask the numbers to appear.
TANNER.Ask them?
BORIS.You never asked them, did you? You demanded things from
them. Like they were your servants. But numbers do not serve you,

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 Help Desk 11

man. You don’t own them. You know what numbers are? An agreed-
upon fiction. Think about that. Three does not exist, man. Three is
only what we agree to be three. And three has refused to go along
with that anymore.
TANNER.I just want socks. I’m just trying to get socks.
BORIS.No. You say you want socks, but in truth, you are fighting a
war with yourself about whether or not “reality” is what you think
it is. You gotta open your mind, man.
TANNER.So what do I do?
BORIS. Ask the numbers to appear. With respect. Implore them to
join your computer screen.
TANNER.Okay. Um . . . Four?
BORIS.Keep going.
TANNER.Six?
BORIS.Yeah that’s respectful.
TANNER.Five?
BORIS.How do you feel about Five?
TANNER.I love Five?
BORIS.Five loves you. Call Five. Call her.
TANNER.(Longingly:) Five!
(Desperately pleading:)
Five!
(He reaches out a hand for five:)
FIVE!
BORIS.Five hears you!
TANNER.I love you, Five!
BORIS.Call the others! Call them!
TANNER.Seven! Nine! One! One again! One another time! Zero! Zero
please hear my call! And FIVE!!!!!
BORIS.And your expiration date?!
TANNER.Why do you—
BORIS.SPEAK YOUR EXPIRATION DATE INTO THE UNIVERSE!
TANNER.JULY 2025!
BORIS.YESSSS!

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 12 Don Zolidis

(TANNER takes a deep breath.)

TANNER.Nothing seems to have happened? Boris? Boris are you
there?
(Short pause.)
Boris did you just steal my credit card information? Boris?
BORIS.Thanks for calling the Help Desk.
(Lights down on BORIS.)

3.

(Lights up on CARTER and TALULA.)

TALULA.Hello?
CARTER.Is this the Help Desk?
TALULA.Yes it is.
CARTER.I got a bone to pick with you.
TALULA.I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m here to help. That’s why I’m
at the Help Desk. I love helping people.
CARTER. I need to report a faulty product. Possibly poisonous.
Super dangerous. And there are no warning signs on it at all, NONE.
What’s your name?
TALULA.Um . . . Talula.
CARTER.All right, Talula—listen to me. I got one of your so-called
bottles of water, and you know what I did? I drank it.
TALULA.Oh.
CARTER.And then I looked at the ingredients. What do you think
the ingredients were? In a bottle of WATER. What are the ingredients
in a bottle of water?
TALULA.Water?
CARTER. Oh sure water, there’s supposedly water in this thing.
But you know what else? Magnesium sulfate. Magnesium. Sulfate.
Chemicals.
TALULA.I’m not sure those are chemicals.
CARTER.They are SCIENCE words and I do not like them! I didn’t
ask to put SCIENCE into my body! And now I’ve got magnesium

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 Help Desk 13

throwing a party in my lungs or wherever and sulfate is just

RIPPING up my stomach! It’s madness!
TALULA.Do you actually feel sick?
CARTER.Do you think these chemicals would be so obvious as to
cause OBVIOUS problems?! No. They’re smarter than that.
TALULA.I’m not sure that they’re smart at all.
CARTER. That’s what they want you to believe. Wake up, Talula.
Open. Your. Eyes. I’ve got magnesium and I’ve got sulfate INSIDE
MY BODY right now. What can I do? How do I stop them? I’m
freaking out!
TALULA.Okay—first—calm down.
CARTER.I AM VERY CALM.
TALULA.I’m pretty sure speaking loudly activates the magnesium.
CARTER.What?!
TALULA.Shhh! You need to keep it down and act rationally or the
sulfate will awaken.
CARTER.It awakens?!
TALULA.Don’t you know anything about sulfates?
CARTER.There’s more than one?!
TALULA.Yes, sir, yes, there are many sulfates.
(CARTER gasps.)
And they lurk around you, unseen, ready to strike at a moment’s
notice.
CARTER.My goodness.
TALULA. So the first thing you need to do—you need to me very
carefully and do everything I say or you will be facing an awakened
sulfate and an activated magnesium. Do you want that?
CARTER.No. No I don’t want that.
TALULA.No you don’t.
CARTER.Are the sulfates in the chemtrails?
TALULA.You better believe it.
CARTER. They’re everywhere. They’re in our water. They’re inside
us.
TALULA.Yes, but there is one way to get them out.

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 14 Don Zolidis

CARTER.I have a knife here.

TALULA.Don’t—you don’t need a knife.
CARTER.Are you sure I don’t need a knife?
TALULA.No. That only angers the magnesium.
CARTER.I don’t want to anger it.
TALULA.In fact, speaking its name aloud peeves it.
CARTER.Oh.
TALULA. But there is one way to get it out. I need you to find a
lavatory.
CARTER.A lavatory?
TALULA.Do you have one in your house?
CARTER.I think so.
TALULA. Okay. I need you to go it, and I need you to urinate.
Carter? Carter, are you there?
CARTER.I’m scared.
TALULA.Be brave, Carter. It’s the only way to get it out.
CARTER.If you say so.
TALULA.And listen, never buy one of our products again, okay? I
don’t think you can handle it.
CARTER.Thank you. You saved my life today.
TALULA.Just doing my job. Now go. Pee. Pee like the wind.
CARTER.Thank you. I’ll name my first-born after you.
TALULA.Please don’t. Also don’t have children. They’ve got lots of
magnesium in them.
CARTER.Good to know.
(CARTER exits.)
(TALULA takes a moment, then opens a bottle of water.)
TALULA.I love helping people.
(She checks the label on her bottle.)
Sodium bicarbonate?
(Lights down on them.)

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 Help Desk 15

4.

(Lights up on BAILEY and MARCUS.)

BAILEY.Help Desk, this is Bailey.
MARCUS.Bailey!
BAILEY.What’s up?
MARCUS.Bailey, this is Marcus!
BAILEY.What’s up, Marcus?
MARCUS.I am having a bad day, Bailey.
BAILEY.I’m sorry to hear that.
MARCUS.A real bad day. You know why I’m having a bad day?
BAILEY.Uh . . . Climate change?
MARCUS.No—
BAILEY. Natural disasters in your vicinity? Flesh-eating virus?
Unsocial rats? Murder hornets?
MARCUS.No, Bailey, I am having a problem with socks.
BAILEY.Oh.
MARCUS.My socks are malfunctioning, Bailey.
BAILEY.I’m not sure socks can malfunction, sir.
MARCUS.Oh can’t they? I DISAGREE. I have worn these socks for
six months straight and do you know what happened?
BAILEY.I can’t imagine.
MARCUS.They got a HOLE in them. Now how did that happen?
BAILEY.Maybe your feet wore a hole in them.
MARCUS.My feet are PRISTINE. Do you understand how beautiful
my feet are? My feet wouldn’t hurt anyone! And you’re insinuating
that my lovely feet have attacked some socks? Didn’t happen. Did
not happen.
BAILEY.I’m not sure this is a huge deal.
MARCUS. How can you say that? I had big plans for these socks!
Ruined! I was gonna make cute little puppets with them!
BAILEY.You can still make puppets.
MARCUS. How’m I gonna make a little puppet? My little puppet
has a hole IN ITS HEAD. Was it shot?! Was my puppet the victim of a

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 16 Don Zolidis

murder? HOW AM I GONNA EXPLAIN MY MURDERED PUPPET

TO PRESCHOOLERS?!
(Puts a sock on his hand.)
“Hey kids it’s me, Jimbo, pay no attention to the GIANT HOLE
IN MY FOREHEAD WHERE I WAS SHOT BY A RIVAL PUPPET
GANG.” Kids are gonna be screaming, calling for their mommies!
“Don’t worry kids! I was raised from the dead by a voodoo priest
and now I’m a zombie! But I’m only a little bit contagious! Who
wants to give me their brains to eat?”
BAILEY.But you don’t have to say that—
MARCUS.I’m going wherever my art takes me. Right now, because
of my holey socks, it’s taking me to some pretty dark places, Bailey!
Real dark. “Hey kids has anyone seen my brains!?”
(He sticks a finger through the hole in the sock.)
“Oh no my brains are oozing out I hope you can sleep well tonight!
Here come my brains! Blarhrrhrhrghgh!”
(His sock puppet dies horribly.)
“I was . . . MURDERED!”
BAILEY.I’m sorry sir but our policy is not refund socks that have
been worn. Every day. For six months.
MARCUS.Where’s your manager?
BAILEY.She’s pretty busy.
MARCUS.I want to speak to your manager! Put your manager on!
BAILEY.All right.
(BAILEY waves to someone in the dark.)
(Lights up on DANI, joining the call.)
DANI. This is Dani. Manager and Chief Problem-Solver. I got your
back, noble citizen.
MARCUS.Yeah I got a problem with Bailey. BIG PROBLEM WITH
BAILEY.
BAILEY.It’s just policy, sir.
MARCUS.Hey you be quiet while I tattle to your boss!
DANI.Hit me with it. What happened?
MARCUS. I have some malfunctioning socks. These socks are
about to cause children trauma. Do you understand the seriousness
of that? And Bailey is super unhelpful and mean. Big-time mean!

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 Help Desk 17

She will not refund my money! I have never been so outraged in my

entire life.
DANI.Bailey, is this true?
BAILEY. I explained to him very calmly that we do not refund
socks—
DANI.Bailey. The customer is always right.
MARCUS.THANK YOU.
BAILEY.But we have a policy—
DANI.I don’t care about policy, I care about our customer’s feelings.
And this customer is very clearly upset. And I know you have been a
perfect employee for the past nine years here, but this is inexcusable!
You’re fired!
BAILEY.What?
DANI.That’s right, you’re fired! Pack up your things and get out of
here! You’re gone!
BAILEY.But who will take care of my adopted daughter?
DANI. I don’t care. You made this guy mad! Get out! You’re done
here!
BAILEY.And what about my five rescue golden retrievers?
DANI.They’re gonna live on the street with you. Serves them right
for having such a jerk as an owner! You’re gone! I have had ENOUGH
of you! I’m calling security to throw you out of here! Enjoy your new
home under the bridge you scum!
(BAILEY starts crying.)
BAILEY.I’m so sorry! I’ll never do it again!
DANI.Too late! It’s over for you! You’re a disgrace!
BAILEY.(Through tears:) I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry golden retrievers,
I’m sorry elderly mother that depends on me!
MARCUS.Um . . . hey. Uh . . . you know what? I can use a different
sock for my puppet.
DANI.Don’t worry about it, sir.
MARCUS. No I mean—I don’t need anybody to lose their job over
this. It was probably my fault for wearing the socks for a hundred
and eighty days in a row.
DANI.You sure?
(BAILEY sobs piteously.)

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MARCUS.Yeah. Um . . . sorry to be a problem. I’ll figure it out on

my own.
(He drops off the call.)
BAILEY.Is he gone?
DANI.Yup.
(BAILEY stops crying immediately.)
Next time I have a jerk you get to the be the manager, okay?
BAILEY.Sure thing.
(Lights down on them.)

5.

(Lights up on PRESTON, with complicated instructions from

IKEA, and MONIQUE.)
MONIQUE.Help Desk, this is Monique.
PRESTON.Hey there I got a problem.
MONIQUE. Sure you do. That’s why you’re calling the Help Desk.
Before we start I have to let you know that this helpline costs ninety-
nine cents a minute. Do you accept the charges?
PRESTON.Why do I have to pay to get help?
MONIQUE.You want people to help you for free? Out of the good-
ness of their hearts?
PRESTON.Well—
MONIQUE. Do you accept the charges? And I want you to know
that whining about the charges costs five dollars a minute.
PRESTON.Okay, I accept the changes.
MONIQUE.All right, so what seems to be the problem?
PRESTON.Right. So I bought a Bjorgborn-ingen Fallfe—
MONIQUE.Oh the Bjorgborn-ingen Fallfe, one of our top sellers.
PRESTON.Right, and I’m trying to put it together . . .
MONIQUE.Even a child could put that together.
PRESTON.Well, I’m actually on step forty-seven—
MONIQUE.That’s a good step. One of the best.

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PRESTON. Great, but I’ve put the little tubey things into the little
holes, and they kinda get stuck, and I can’t get them back out again.
MONIQUE.Are you looking at the pictograms?
PRESTON.Yeah I’ve got them right here.
MONIQUE. The pictograms are designed for people who don’t
even have the ability to read.
PRESTON.Uh-huh.
MONIQUE.So what you’re saying is—these designs were built so a
toddler could put this together, but it has you stumped.
PRESTON.Well, the tubey things don’t fit in the—
MONIQUE. So you’re confused? You don’t know what’s going on.
I’m surprised you were capable of finding the phone number on
there.
PRESTON.Well they actually make it hard to find the help line—
MONIQUE. Oh a lot of things are hard I guess, aren’t they, little
fwend?
PRESTON.My name is actually Preston.
MONIQUE.Aww Pweston is having twouble with his pictogwam.
Poor Pweston.
PRESTON.I’m actually paying for you to help me.
MONIQUE. You are incapable of doing this yourself, so you need
to pay money to a stranger to help you. That’s where you are in your
life.
PRESTON.Yes, that’s why I called! Help me!
MONIQUE. All right I’ll help you. Are there any other competent
humans in the house with you? Anyone who can read or handle a
tool of any kind?
PRESTON.This seems insulting.
MONIQUE.Do you want me to help you or not? Is there anyone else
there? A six-year old, maybe?
PRESTON.No it’s just me.
MONIQUE.Yeah that makes sense.
PRESTON.Why did you say that?
MONIQUE.I think it’s pretty obvious that if you can’t put together
a Bjorgborn-ingen Fallfe no one will ever love you.

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PRESTON.What?!
MONIQUE. Are you going to let me help you or you just going to
whine?
PRESTON.You’re not helping me!
MONIQUE. Whining costs five dollars a minute, Preston. Is that
what you want?
PRESTON.Okay, what do I do? I’m on step forty-seven.
MONIQUE.Okay, I want you to take a deep breath first.
PRESTON.Fine.
MONIQUE.You didn’t take a deep breath.
PRESTON.I did take a deep breath.
MONIQUE.I didn’t hear a deep breath.
PRESTON.Fine.
(PRESTON sighs sarcastically.)
MONIQUE.That was a sarcastic breath.
PRESTON.YOU’RE CHARGING ME BY THE MINUTE!
MONIQUE.SO MAYBE YOU BETTER DO WHAT I SAY! BREATHE!
PRESTON.I’VE BEEN BREATHING!
MONIQUE.NOT DEEPLY! NOT SINCERELY!
PRESTON.THIS IS THE MOST SINCERE, MOST DEEP BREATH I
CAN DO!
(PRESTON breathes as deeply, as sincerely, as possible.)
(He hurts himself. Badly.)
(He stumbles around, maybe falls over.)
MONIQUE.Sir? Sir are you all right?
PRESTON.I . . . hurt myself.
MONIQUE.Do you need help?
PRESTON.Call . . . an ambulance.
MONIQUE.Of course.
PRESTON.Thank you.
MONIQUE.It’s only twenty-one dollars a minute for me to call an
ambulance.
(Lights down on them.)

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6.

(Lights up on TAMARA, on hold. She paces nervously.)

TAMARA.Is anyone there?
(No response.)
You can do this, Tam.
(She takes a deep breath.)
(Lights up on BOFFO, dressed in a full clown outfit, with wig,
makeup, suit, shoes, funny nose, etc . . . )
BOFFO.This is the Help Desk, can I help you?
TAMARA.Um . . . what are you supposed to be?
BOFFO. I’m at the Help Desk. I’m here to help you. Anything you
need.
TAMARA.You’re dressed like a clown.
BOFFO.You’re very observant. Yes I am. I find it puts people at ease.
TAMARA.Does it?
BOFFO.Definitely. You’d be amazed at how people open up to you
when you’re a clown. How can I help you?
TAMARA.This is a very serious call.
BOFFO.Of course.
(BOFFO honks his nose.)
Does that help?
TAMARA.No.
BOFFO.What if I did it twice?
(Honks his nose twice.)
TAMARA.I’m just—I’m a little freaked out by clowns.
BOFFO.Understandable.
TAMARA.Kinda scared by them.
BOFFO. Yeah a lot of people dress up like clowns and commit
crimes. Happens all the time. You never know which clowns are the
good ones, so I get it.
TAMARA.Are you a good one?
BOFFO. I’m the best one. I’m a listening clown. Go ahead. Tell me
your problems.

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(BOFFO produces fake flowers from his sleeve.)

TAMARA.Uh . . . okay . . . so I took a home DNA test because there
are some medical issues in my family.
BOFFO.Sure.
TAMARA. And I wanted to make sure I wasn’t susceptible to
genetic diseases—
BOFFO.Right. Mm-hmm.
(BOFFO produces a puppet version of himself and sets it in front
of him.)
TAMARA.Why did you bring out the puppet?
BOFFO.This is Li’l Boffo. Whenever I sense things are about to get
emotional, I need Li’l Boffo. Say Hi Li’l Boffo.
(He waves Li’l Boffo’s arms.)
“Hi Li’l Boffo!”
He’s a card.
TAMARA.Can you put the puppet away please?
BOFFO.(As Li’l Boffo:) “Tell me about your medical conditions.”
TAMARA.I don’t want to tell the puppet about my medical condi-
tions.
BOFFO.(As Li’l Boffo:) “Li’l Boffo is sad now.”
You hurt his feelings.
TAMARA.I don’t care! Put him away!
BOFFO. (As Li’l Boffo:) “No! Don’t put me in the box! I’ll be good I
promise!”
You go in the box now!
“Never!”
In the box!
(Li’l Boffo struggles.)
“Don’t listen to the clown! He’s an evil clown!”
Shhhhh!
(He forces Li’l Boffo off the table and into a box.)
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”
(BOFFO slams the box shut. Turns back to TAMARA.)
Sorry about that. He gets inappropriate sometimes.
TAMARA.You were the one controlling him!

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BOFFO.Whoah! That is a serious accusation!

TAMARA.Your hand was up his butt!
BOFFO.That’s ridiculous! He doesn’t even have a butt! Who would
put a butt on a puppet?!
TAMARA.Up his—whatever. Opening.
BOFFO.Oh my gosh you’re gross.
TAMARA.I am trying to tell you something serious!
BOFFO.I am a very serious person, all right! I am the most serious
person who works here. Tell me what your problem is.
TAMARA.My problem is you!
BOFFO.Tell me your other problems then!
TAMARA.I am scared because it turns out I might have a genetic
predisposition for—
(BOFFO is blowing up a balloon animal.)
What are you doing?!
BOFFO.Is this a mystery to you? What does it look like I’m doing?
TAMARA.Are you making a balloon animal?
(BOFFO honks his nose.)
BOFFO.What kind of animal do you want?
TAMARA.I want no animals! Negative animal!
BOFFO.That’s not an animal! That’s the absence of an animal! How
am I supposed to create the absence of an animal? That’s not even
possible.
TAMARA.I DON’T WANT A BALLOON ANIMAL.
BOFFO.Maybe I want one! You ever thought of that! Noooo because
you’re so wrapped up in yourself! But maybe talking to you is so
difficult I need a balloon animal to help me through it emotionally.
Maybe that’s why I’m making a penguin!
TAMARA.You’re making a penguin?!
BOFFO.THEY’RE CUTE!
TAMARA.I love penguins!
BOFFO.You do?
TAMARA.They’re the best. Go ahead.
BOFFO.Oh okay.

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(BOFFO tries to make a balloon animal penguin.)

(He is very very bad at this.)
BOFFO.Um . . . here you go.
TAMARA.That looks just like the penguin balloon animal I had as
a little girl. Thank you so much.
BOFFO.No problem.
TAMARA. I feel so much better now. It’s weird, the calming
presence of that misshapen balloon animal is so soothing. I feel like
I could tell you anything.
BOFFO.I know.
TAMARA.And what I need to tell you—
(BOFFO rings his bell.)
BOFFO.Time’s up! You’ll need to speak to another representative.
(Lights down on him.)

7.

(Lights up on MARA and BRENT.)

BRENT.Help Desk, this is Brent.
MARA.Hey. I need some help.
BRENT.You called the right place.
MARA.I know I did.
BRENT.How can I help you?
MARA.I need to get rid of my boyfriend.
BRENT.Um . . . I’m not sure I’m the right person to call.
MARA.You help people, right? I need help—getting rid of my boy-
friend. He’s terrible.
BRENT.I’m sorry to hear that. Again, I don’t know that I’m the right
person—
MARA.He’s worn the same pair of socks for six months.
BRENT.Oh.
MARA. Six. Months. Can you explain to me the mental state of a
person who would do that?
BRENT.I can’t, actually.

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MARA. He breathes with his mouth OPEN. All the time. The boy
cannot close his mouth. He’s just walking around here, wearing the
same socks every day, with a big open mouth like he’s like one of
those whales that’s just sifting ocean water to eat krill. I can’t take it
anymore.
BRENT.Have you tried telling him how you feel?
MARA.What?
BRENT.Maybe you should just communicate with him.
MARA. “Hey Marcus close your mouth!” Never gonna work. He’s
dumb too. This boy is so dumb. He eats out of the garbage. He will
literally open the garbage can and rummage around for food like
a raccoon—mouth open the whole time. Flies are going in but they
aren’t even getting caught. They fly into his mouth, they’re like “it’s
really dumb in here” and they escape. Every time I see his face I
want to push him into a river.
BRENT.So why are you dating him?
MARA.He’s so cute. But I hate him.
BRENT.Okay, um . . . maybe instead of complaining to me, maybe
you could communicate with him.
MARA.Why are you trying to deflect responsibility?
BRENT.I’m not, I’m just saying that—
MARA.You’re deflecting. You need to help me.
BRENT.I am helping you.
MARA.You’re just talking. That’s not helping. I need action. I want
my boyfriend removed. Surgical action. Like I’ve got a 190 pound
cyst that needs to be excavated from my life and transported to the
nearest landfill.
BRENT.I’m not sure how I can do that.
MARA. Come up with a plan. Be creative. Think, Brent, think. Do
you know people?
BRENT.People?
MARA.Yes, Brent. People. Do you know People?
BRENT.I know people.
MARA. Are these people good at getting rid of unwanted things?
Permanently.
BRENT.I’m not sure what you’re asking.

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MARA.Oh I think you know what I’m asking.

BRENT.Are you really asking me to take care of your boyfriend?
MARA.Yes, Brent, I am.
BRENT.Okay. Hold on.
(BRENT takes out a black folder from beneath his desk.)
I’ve got an opening next Tuesday at 2 a.m. Three-person job. Your
boyfriend will never be seen again.
(Short pause.)
MARA.Are you saying you’re gonna kill him?!
BRENT.Isn’t that what you wanted?!
MARA.NO! My goodness what is wrong with you?!
BRENT.I thought that’s what you were asking!
MARA. You are sick! You are demented! He’s just annoying, he
doesn’t need to be whacked!
BRENT.You said “take care of”!
MARA.Yes, as in given job assistance and provided with affordable
housing in a nice community!
BRENT.YOU SAID “REMOVED”!
MARA.Yes as in given a ride to a new furnished apartment near a
farm upstate with a gym and a swimming pool! With lots of other
stupid boys that he can play with in a healthy peer group! What is
wrong with you?! You think you’re some kind of mafia help desk?!
BRENT.You asked if I knew people!
MARA.Where is your supervisor? I want to talk to your manager!
BRENT.Oh come on!
MARA.Put your manager on the phone!
BRENT.Fine!
(Lights up on DANI.)
DANI.This is Dani.
(Lights down on them.)

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8.

(Lights up on BRIN and CHARLIE.)

CHARLIE.Help Desk, this is Charlie.
BRIN.Hey there. I’m having a little bit of a problem.
CHARLIE. Aren’t we all? But I’m the only one getting paid to help
people, so fire away.
BRIN. So I downloaded your virus protection program on my
computer.
(CHARLIE laughs.)
What?
CHARLIE.Nothing. I’m sorry I’m just amused. Go ahead.
BRIN.What are you amused about?
CHARLIE.Little joke we have here in the office. Not a problem. You
don’t need to worry about it. I just love my job, that’s all. By the way,
if you hear me laughing or high-fiving people, just ignore that.
BRIN.Why would you be high-fiving people?
CHARLIE. I just love my team, that’s all. So you downloaded the
virus protection.
BRIN.Yes, your “Virus Assassin 3.”
CHARLIE.Oh you got 3?!
(CHARLIE laughs again.)
Hey everybody I got a customer here who got Virus Assassin 3!
(Laughs and celebration from offstage [or offscreen].)
I know, right!? Wooo!
BRIN. Yeah, so I downloaded Virus Assassin 3 because it said it
would take care of my viruses permanently.
CHARLIE.(Chuckling to himself:) Yeah it says that. Classic.
BRIN.But as soon as I installed it I started getting all these pop-ups.
CHARLIE.Yup!
BRIN.And they just say things like, “your computer is in danger!”
Or this one “There are viruses coming for your computer—they are
stealing all of your information and writing emails to your mom
blaming her for all the problems in your life.” I mean that’s really

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specific. My mom doesn’t even know she’s responsible for all the
problems in my life.
CHARLIE.Amazing.
BRIN.So it seems like all Virus Assassin 3 does is just put pop-ups
on my computer scaring me.
CHARLIE.Sometimes fear is the best motivator.
BRIN.But that’s basically what a virus does.
CHARLIE.Yup!
BRIN.So how is Virus Assassin 3 different than a virus?
(CHARLIE laughs.)
CHARLIE.Hey she’s asking how Virus Assassin 3 is different than
a virus!
(More laughs and celebration offstage.)
Yes you’re right.
BRIN.What am I right about?
CHARLIE. Virus Assassin 3 is in fact a virus. Don’t get upset—it’s
there to show you just how bad a virus can be.
BRIN.But I paid for it!
CHARLIE. I know! You made a terrible mistake! You were com-
pletely fooled! That just shows you how vulnerable you are to other
viruses!
BRIN.It says it murders viruses!
CHARLIE. And it does! By becoming one of them! And now your
computer is infected with Virus Assassin 3, which is totally about to
beam all your credit card information to the Dark Web.
BRIN.The Dark Web?!
CHARLIE. Oh yeah! It’s scary. That’s why it’s called the Dark Web.
Pretty soon organized crime in Morocco is going to have access to
all your contacts and will be calling your grandma.
BRIN.This is crazy!
CHARLIE. (Laughing:) I know! You’d be amazed at how many
people fall for this!
BRIN.But how do I get rid of it?

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CHARLIE.That’s where I can help you. We have a specially designed

product that will take care of Virus Assassin 3. No problem. No
questions asked.
(He can barely keep a straight face while saying it.)
Virus Assassin Extreme. I know you’re worried that it’s gonna be
expensive, but it’s only a monthly fee of $19.95.
BRIN.Why is it a monthly fee?
CHARLIE. It’s a subscription service. Because Virus Assassin
3 is constantly mutating, so you need Virus Assassin Extreme to
be constantly adapting to fight it. Don’t you know anything about
viruses?
BRIN. How do I know Virus Assassin Extreme isn’t just another
virus?
(CHARLIE laughs again.)
CHARLIE.I guess you’ll just have to trust me.
BRIN.But you don’t seem trustworthy at all!
CHARLIE.It’s quite a dilemma, isn’t it? You are really in a bind!
(He calls out to the other people:)
I think she’s gonna buy Virus Assassin Extreme!
(More laughs and cheers from people offstage.)
BRIN.I’m not doing this.
CHARLIE.Aww. You sure?
BRIN.Yes! You guys are like criminals! I guess I need to buy a new
computer then.
CHARLIE.I guess you do. But you’re in luck because we sell those
too.
BRIN.Ooh!
(Lights down on them.)

9. Bees!

(Lights up on CHASE and YAMIRA.)

(YAMIRA is wearing as much of a beekeeper’s outfit as she can
manage. Heavy gloves, a hood or helmet if possible.)
CHASE.Help Desk, this is—

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YAMIRA.Bees! There are bees!

(YAMIRA ducks.)
They’re everywhere! They’re inside my house! BEES!
CHASE.This is Chase, how can I help you?
YAMIRA.I’m telling you there are bees!
CHASE.Oh so I’m talking to an amateur beekeeper, am I? Fantastic.
Do you know the word apiary? I do.
YAMIRA.Help me!
CHASE. Absolutely! The key to beekeeping is to make sure that
your queen is happy.
YAMIRA.She’s sending her minions after me! They are inside the
house! Aaaaah!
CHASE.Right. Don’t keep bees inside the house.
YAMIRA.How do I kill them?!
CHASE.Bees are actually endangered.
YAMIRA.I want them MORE endangered!
CHASE.Bees and other pollinators are responsibility for quite a lot
of our food. Instead of fearing them, we should be thanking them.
But don’t shake hands with a bee, though.
(YAMIRA gets stung.)
YAMIRA.Ah!
CHASE.I said DON’T shake hands with them.
YAMIRA.They’re shaking hands with me!
CHASE.They must like you.
(He chuckles.)
Just kidding, they see you as a threat that must be eliminated.
YAMIRA.How do I eliminate them?
CHASE. Maybe it would help if I understood how the bees got in
your house.
YAMIRA.I wanted honey.
CHASE.Classic mistake.
YAMIRA.And I thought it would be fun to keep bees. Aaaah!
(She dives to avoid one.)

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YAMIRA.So I got a hive, and I got a queen, and I got a whole bunch
of bees. And they were fine for a while—aaaahhh—but I thought
it was going to rain, and I was worried about my hive, and they
seemed super nice . . . so I brought them into the house.
CHASE.You brought the entire hive into the house?
YAMIRA.I was worried about them!
(She dives again.)
I shouldn’t have been, because they’re MEAN!
(She gets stung again.)
Ah!
CHASE.Where is the hive now?
YAMIRA.On the kitchen table. But I can’t get near it because there
are A LOT OF BEES.
CHASE. All right, listen to me, you need to calm down. Bees can
smell fear.
YAMIRA.They can?
CHASE. Yes. The smell it and they love it. So stand up. And don’t
be frightened!
(YAMIRA stands up.)
(She gets stung. Tries not to react.)
YAMIRA.. . . ow.
(She gets stung again. Tries not to react again.)
. . . ..oooow.
(She lets out a high-pitched whimper as she get stung again.)
CHASE.You’re doing great.
YAMIRA.. . . They . . . keep . . . . stinging . . . me.
CHASE.Oh are these honeybees?
YAMIRA.Yes?
CHASE. Okay, they can’t smell fear then. I was wrong. They smell
weakness.
YAMIRA.I am very weak.
CHASE.I know. There’s only one thing you can do.
YAMIRA.What’s that?
CHASE.You must do battle with the queen.

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YAMIRA.I have to . . . do battle with the queen?

CHASE. Absolutely. That’s the only way they’re going to respect
you. You have to assert dominance.
YAMIRA.Are you sure you know a lot about bees?
CHASE.It’s pretty clear that I know more about bees than you.
YAMIRA.Good point.
CHASE. You must defeat the queen in one-on-one combat. Then
you need to extrude a fragrant odor. Bees actually navigate by smell.
Amazing.
YAMIRA.How do I do extrude an odor?
CHASE. Believe in yourself. And a high fiber diet. Once you’ve
entranced the bees with your scent, you need to lead them outside,
pied-piper style.
YAMIRA.Okay.
CHASE.Good luck. On the count of three—charge . . .
YAMIRA.I’m scared.
CHASE.You should be. One . . . Two . . . Three . . . CHARGE!
YAMIRA.AAAAAAAAAAAH!
(YAMIRA charges offscreen [or offstage].)
Aaaah! Oh no! Ow! Ow! This was a terrible idea! Ow! Oww! Oh no!
Oh! Ouuch! Ouch! Oh it hurts so much!
(CHASE picks up some reading material.)
Oh no! AAAAAAAH! Aaaaah!
(YAMIRA crawls back onto the screen.)
I’ve got a new plan: This is the bees’ house now. I’m gonna move.)
CHASE.Good idea.
(Lights down on them.)

10.

(Lights up on JESS and BRETT.)

BRETT.Customer Service. This is Brett.
JESS.Hi I’ve been on hold for a long time—hold on a second I don’t
even remember why I’m calling . . .

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BRETT.It’s okay. I’ve got nothing to do.

JESS.Oh right. I’m trying to add more data to my plan.
BRETT. Oh. Oh shoot. You’re gonna actually need someone in
Account Modification then.
JESS.Oh.
BRETT.Simple mistake to make and I don’t even hold it against you.
I’m going to transfer you over to Account Modification.
JESS.Thanks.
(Lights down on BRETT and up on VIC.)
VIC.Account Modification, this is Vic.
JESS.Hi, I’m trying to change my plan to add more data—
VIC.Whoah whoah whoah slow down—I don’t handle data. You’re
going to need to go to Data Planning.
JESS. The last person told me I was supposed to go to Account
Modification.
(VIC laughs.)
VIC.Oh man. That was rich. Was it Brett? It was Brett, right? Don’t
trust Brett. He just wants you off the phone. He had no idea what
he was doing. Only Data Planning can help you. I’ll send you there.
JESS.Well, okay.
(Lights down on BRETT up on MILEY.)
MILEY.Data Planning, this is Miley.
JESS.Hi, I’m trying to add some data to my plan.
MILEY.Oh man, you need Customer Service.
JESS.I’ve already talked to Customer Service!
MILEY. I can only help you plan your data, I can’t actually change
anything. This isn’t like the Wild West or something, we have rules
at this company. I’ll send you over to Customer Service.
JESS.Please just—
MILEY.Have a nice day!
(Lights down on MILEY and up on BRETT.)
BRETT.Customer Service, this is Brett.
JESS.Brett. I just talked to—
BRETT.Oh crap.

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(Lights down on BRETT and up on VIC.)

VIC.Account Modification, this is Vic.
JESS.Vic! This is Jess!
VIC.Doesn’t ring a bell.
JESS. I just talked to you! You just sent me to Data Planning and
they said they could only plan data, they couldn’t actually change
anything.
VIC.That is a lie. They are lying to you. Don’t take that from them.
You need to stand up for yourself.
JESS.They sent me back to Customer Service.
VIC.Customer Service is a living nightmare. Don’t trust anyone in
Customer Service. Data Planning is the only one that can help you.
JESS.Can’t you help me?
VIC. I am helping you by telling you to stand up for yourself. If
you’re going to let them transfer you, they’ll walk all over you your
entire life. You need to believe in yourself, Jess.
JESS.I’m just trying to get more data.
VIC.Which is why you need to talk to Data Planning. I’ll send you
there. But remember: you are worth it. Don’t believe their lies.
MILEY.Data Planning, this is Miley.
JESS.This is Jess! Account Modification says you lied to me.
MILEY.Account Modification?! You talked to Account Modification?!
They are well-known to be the biggest liars in this entire company.
Don’t trust anyone in Account Modification. I’m your only friend.
I’m going to send you to Customer Service—
JESS.No! Don’t send me to Customer Service!
MILEY.You’re a customer, and you need service. It will be okay.
JESS.Don’t send me away! Don’t transfer me!
MILEY.I can’t help you.
JESS.You need to help me!
(Lights down on MILEY and up on BRETT.)
BRETT.Customer Service, this is Brett.
JESS.This is Jess!
BRETT.Hold on, I’ll transfer you.

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JESS.No! NO! HELP ME. DON’T SEND ME AWAY.

BRETT.Look, I don’t know what they’re telling you, but I can only
help customers with squirrel problems, that’s it.
JESS.WHAT.
BRETT. That’s all Customer Service does. But I’m going to tell
you the secret. If you say the words “Monster Style” to Account
Modification, they are legally required to help you. It’s not on the
website, it’s not on the menu, but it is the secret code. Okay?
JESS.Monster Style?
BRETT.Yes. Say you want Monster Style data. I’ll send you over.
(Lights down on JESS and up on VIC.)
VIC.Account Modification, this is Vic.
JESS.Monster Style!
VIC.What?
JESS.I want Monster Style data! I need Monster Style data! You are
legally required to help me.
VIC.Did Brett tell you that?
JESS.He explained—
VIC.You know Brett’s a liar, right? He LIES.
JESS.I JUST WANT DATA.
VIC.But in this case, he was telling the truth. Monster Style gets you
into Special Account Adjustments.
JESS.It does?
VIC.Right. I’ll send you over.
JESS.No! Don’t send me anywhere! You’re the only one I trust, Vic!
VIC.But Special Account Adjustments is legit—they will help you.
Don’t you want more data?
JESS.(Weakly:) Please.
VIC.Then you need to listen to me very carefully. Special Account
Adjustment will help, but only if they feel you are worthy.
JESS.How do I make them feel I’m worthy?
VIC.Respect. Politeness. No fear. Can you do that?
JESS.I can try.
VIC.Don’t try, do. I’m going to send you over there now. All right?

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JESS.Vic?
VIC.Yes?
JESS.Pray for me.
VIC.I will.
(Lights down on VIC and up on MABEL.)
MABEL.Special Account Adjustments, this is Mabel.
JESS (Very carefully:) Hello, and a pleasant day to you. My name is
Jess and I am a valued customer. I am hoping to add some data to
my plan, please. I know that you are very busy and I want to let you
know that I fully support you and your decisions. Please.
MABEL.You want more data?
JESS.Yes. I would love more data, ma’am.
MABEL.Do you think you deserve more data?
JESS.Please. Please for all that is holy, please. Just please help me. I
can’t be on this call anymore. I have a life. I have things to do. I have
dreams.
MABEL.I understand.
JESS.And I need data for my dreams.
MABEL.Absolutely. And they can help you in Customer Service.
JESS.Noooooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooo!
MABEL.All right, all right, I’ll help you.
JESS.I can’t do this anymore! I’m breaking down!
MABEL.I am the person who can help you with data. But my shift
is over so you’ll have to call back tomorrow.
(Lights down on them.)
End of Play

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 Bonus Scenes

(The following scenes may be added if you need additional parts, or

may be substituted for any of the previous scenes if you wish. The
numbers indicate the suggested placement of the scenes, but you
may adjust that order as needed.)

3.5

(Lights up on VINNY and WATKINS.)

(VINNY answers the phone.)
VINNY.What.
WATKINS.Is this the Help Desk?
VINNY.Yeah.
WATKINS.I’m calling to complain about a delivery.
VINNY.You’re calling to complain about a delivery.
WATKINS.Right.
VINNY.Great. Sure. Go ahead.
WATKINS.So I got a delivery today of a very important package.
VINNY.I’m thrilled for you.
WATKINS. It was a disaster! At first I heard a loud honk, like
someone was laying on the horn, and then I saw your delivery
vehicle careening down my street—I don’t even think it slowed
down—but with a screech of tires my package was hurled from the
open door. The truck didn’t even slow down.
VINNY.It’s phenomenal what drivers can do these days.
WATKINS.He HURLED it from a moving vehicle.
VINNY.Did you get the package or not? It sounds like you got it in
the most awesome way possible.
WATKINS. It struck the hood of my car, ricocheted into the air—
then bounced off my garage door, before landing on my front stoop.
VINNY.So you got the package.
WATKINS. At the same time that the driver hurled the package,
I heard him yell, “Here’s your package loser!” and he laughed
maniacally, before gunning the engine and speeding off.

37
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 38 Don Zolidis

VINNY.Sounds like he was pretty busy. But did you get your pack-
age?
WATKINS.I got the package.
(WATKINS sets the most battered box imaginable on the table.)
VINNY.Then there’s no problem.
WATKINS.Inside the package was a crystal vase.
VINNY.Okay.
WATKINS.Shards of a crystal vase.
VINNY. Why would you order shards of a crystal vase? That’s on
you.
WATKINS.It was a WHOLE crystal vase before it was hurled from
the truck.
VINNY. I don’t see how you can prove that. Were you inside the
box? No. So who knows how it got broken.
WATKINS.I know how it got broken!
VINNY. Whoah whoah whoah calm down. You ever tried Gorilla
glue? That stuff works great.
WATKINS.My vase is shattered.
VINNY. How about instead of looking at negatives, you look at
positives.
WATKINS.What are the positives?!
VINNY. You got your package! Maybe you should be thankful for
that.
WATKINS.I paid for delivery!
VINNY.You know what? I got a beautiful daughter—
WATKINS.I don’t care, I don’t care—
VINNY. And I have to spend time away from her in order to deal
with you whiners.
WATKINS.Does this look like it was properly delivered?!
VINNY. She looks at me and says, “Daddy where are you goin’?”
and I say I’m going to work, Pumpkin, ’cause there’s a lot of people
out there who don’t know nothing.
WATKINS.What don’t I know?!
VINNY.How to put your vase back together with Gorilla glue! You
think you’re the only person who ever broke something?!

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WATKINS.I didn’t break it!

VINNY.This is the REAL WORLD. Things break!
WATKINS.When they are HURLED from a speeding truck!
VINNY.How was my driver supposed to know that? Huh?
WATKINS.It says FRAGILE on the box! That means FRAGILE!
VINNY. Maybe you should stop being so fragile! All I hear from
you—this whole call—“I got problems help me help me help me,” do
you care about my problems? No!
WATKINS.You’re the person who’s supposed to help me!
VINNY.I wish I could help you, but I can’t. Did you accept the terms
and conditions of delivery?
WATKINS.Yes.
VINNY.Did you read them?
WATKINS.Did it say my package would be launched from a moving
vehicle?
VINNY.So you didn’t read them.
WATKINS.Did it say that?
VINNY. You would know that if you read it. You checked a box
without reading the fine print. This is your fault.
WATKINS.What was in the fine print?
VINNY. It states that you are required to provide a safe landing
space for the item.
WATKINS.What?
VINNY. You’re supposed to provide a bouncy castle on your front
lawn for the driver to hit. He drives by, he fires the object out of a
slingshot, and it goes right into your bouncy castle. You endangered
my driver by not providing a bouncy castle. I should be suing you.
WATKINS.I don’t own a bouncy castle!
VINNY.Your irresponsibility is not my problem.
WATKINS.How am I supposed to even get a bouncy castle?
VINNY.You’re in luck, I sell them. Tell you what: I will let you buy
a bouncy castle from me for a ten percent discount.
WATKINS.I could actually use a bouncy castle.
VINNY.Do it. Do it. Buy it. Buy it now.

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WATKINS.Okay.
(He clicks on something on the computer.)
VINNY.Do you accept the terms and conditions?
WATKINS.Sure.
VINNY.Sweet. You better get to your roof.
WATKINS.What’s going to happen there?
VINNY.Make sure to take the jell-o.
(Lights down on them.)

6.5

(Lights up on MASHA and TORI.)

MASHA.Help Desk, this is Masha.
TORI.Oh thank goodness. I’m glad I finally got to somebody.
MASHA.Sorry we’re experiencing heavy call volume.
TORI.I bet. I bet with all the problems.
MASHA.How can I help you?
TORI.I’m afraid things are past that point. There is no helping me.
MASHA.Oh. I’m sorry.
TORI. Yeah. I could’ve used your help yesterday, but I didn’t even
think to call you then.
MASHA.Oh.
TORI.So now I just wanted to let you know how much you’ve failed
me.
MASHA.Look, if there’s anything we can do . . .
TORI. I want to tell you about someone I loved very much—who
has perished.
MASHA.Oh no.
TORI. I named him Gruber, no reason, it was just a funny name.
For four days I sat with Gruber and looked into his dark eyes—we
SHARED our worlds together. And even though he couldn’t speak,
he kept opening and closing his little mouth like this . . .
(She mimes his breathing.)

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TORI.I knew he was dying. But there was nothing I could do. And
this morning I found him, floating, upside down, in his little bowl.
MASHA.Are you talking about a goldfish?
TORI. I am talking about my best friend! Who happened to be a
goldfish.
MASHA.Well I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
TORI.You don’t seem to understand the magnitude of this tragedy.
You’re pretty cavalier about it, actually!
MASHA.Anytime a pet dies it’s traumatic—
TORI.Devastating.
MASHA.How long had you had him?
TORI.Four days. But they were very special days.
MASHA.Oh only four days.
TORI. ONLY four days?! Do you know that in the lifetime of a
goldfish that qualifies as FOREVER? Seriously, they have like thirty-
second memories. So I was basically Gruber’s mother. And father.
And family. And I watched him die.
MASHA.Sometimes goldfish don’t make it.
TORI.Again, you don’t seem to care!
MASHA. I had a goldfish who died when I was a little kid. We
flushed him down the toilet.
TORI.WHAT?!
MASHA.Yeah it was sad for a couple of minutes.
TORI. Maybe you didn’t have the kind of relationship with your
fish that I had with Gruber. He wasn’t an ordinary fish. I would take
him out of his bowl and pet him and pet him. He was so soft—kind
of slippery, though—
MASHA.You took him out to pet him?
TORI.Of course! How else am I supposed to bond with him? And
he loved it! He would look at me and jump up and down with JOY
whenever I took him out of the water.
MASHA.I think he was supposed to stay in the water.
TORI.Oh so you’re an expert in fish?! There’s a lot you don’t know
about fish! Fish need physical touch so they can bond.
MASHA.I think that’s babies.

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TORI. Fish and babies are basically the same! You don’t know
anything! You’re not a fish-theologist.
MASHA.Icthyologist.
TORI.Whatever! Well where were you when Gruber was suffering?
Did you care?
MASHA.No, because I wasn’t even aware of his existence.
TORI.Sometimes there are things in existence that are sad that you
don’t know about, that you should be sad about.
MASHA.I don’t know how that works.
TORI.Just be sad, okay! Commiserate with me.
MASHA.Sorry. I’m very sorry your fish died after you took him out
of the water repeatedly.
TORI.He was always alive when I put him back in. I’m not a monster.
MASHA.Sorry.
TORI.And he always had plenty of water to eat.
MASHA.Water to eat?
TORI.Fish eat water. Why do you think they swim in it?
MASHA.They eat water?
TORI.Oh you think they drink it?
MASHA.No I’m just—fish eat food.
TORI.Which is water. They filter and they eat it.
MASHA.So you never . . . fed your fish?
TORI. Listen to you. Feed your fish. You don’t have to feed fish.
That’s why they’re the perfect pet.
MASHA.I think I’ve solved the mystery of your fish.
TORI.Yeah he died because I didn’t love him enough.
MASHA.Um . . .
TORI.Well let me tell you, that’s not going to happen with my new
hamster. I’m gonna give him all the wood chips he needs.
(Lights down on them.)

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9.5 (or alternate ending)

(Lights up on MILENA and TANNER. MILENA is pretty

flashy, chewing gum and twirling her hair. She wears a lot of bling
if possible and checks her nails a lot.)
MILENA.Help Desk, this is Milena.
TANNER.Hey. I’ve been trying to get through for like an hour. I just
keep being on hold.
MILENA.Sorry about that. Hold please.
(MILENA presses a button.)
(She sits there for a moment, twirling her hair, maybe blows a
bubble.)
(She stretches a little bit.)
(TANNER waits, paces.)
(MILENA calls offstage.)
MILENA. Hey Angel you wanna take a break? Nah I’m not doing
anything. I could totally go for thirty or forty minutes, whatever. All
right. Fine.
(She sighs. Checks her look. Then lets TANNER back in.)
Sorry about that, couldn’t be helped.
TANNER.I was on hold for a really long time.
MILENA.Sure. We’re having increased call volume or whatever.
TANNER.The reason I’m calling is that I need to cancel my credit
card.
MILENA. For sure. You just don’t trust yourself with money,
anymore?
TANNER.No . . . um . . . I gave my number to a guru, I think, and
he’s apparently purchased a tanning pod for twenty-two thousand
dollars with it.
MILENA.Ooh. What kind of tanning pod?
TANNER.I’m not sure.
MILENA. I hope it’s one of those Daylight Bronzers—those are
amazing. Can I just tell you? It feels like you’re being hugged by a
million kitties.
TANNER.I don’t care what kind it is—he stole my information and
he’s buying things.

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MILENA. Yeah that’s what people normally do when they steal

credit cards—they just go on a BINGE. Let me tell you. I’ve had
some amazing shopping experiences with stolen credit cards. You
have not lived until you’ve got a stolen credit card in the Bahamas.
Luxury. So fun. I never thought to get a tanning pod, though—I like
to spend other people’s money on experiences, not things.
TANNER.You work for the credit card company and you’ve stolen
credit cards?
MILENA. Absolutely. Think about it. If you’re a bank, who do
you hire to design your vault? Bank robbers. So the credit card
companies hire people like me to deal with credit card fraud.
TANNER.Fine, whatever. Just cancel my card please.
MILENA.For sure. Can you repeat the number to me please?
TANNER.It’s 4657—wait a minute. How do I know you’re not gonna
steal my card?
MILENA. That’s preposterous. You’re already almost at your
spending limit.
TANNER.How do you know that?
MILENA.I’m looking at your account. Relax.
TANNER.Can you take the fraudulent charges off there?
MILENA. I mean, I could, but some of these charges are awesome.
Four hundred dollars for a massage.
TANNER.He spent four hundred dollars on a massage?!
MILENA.Oh that’s sweet.
TANNER.Just refund that please.
MILENA.How do I know you didn’t get the massage.
TANNER.I wouldn’t spend four hundred dollars on a massage!
MILENA.Yeah, you’re not that kind of person.
TANNER.What’s that supposed to mean?
MILENA.You bought socks. That’s so weak.
TANNER.People need socks!
MILENA.Weak people.
TANNER.Just refund the purchases and cancel my card.
MILENA.You’re being hostile.
TANNER.I’m not being hostile!

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MILENA.That’s even more hostile.

TANNER.Just do it!
MILENA. I don’t serve you, okay? I am not someone you can boss
around! I have self-esteem, and frankly, I think the person who
took your card deserves your card because he is making awesome
purchases and you are wasting your credit on socks! I’m calling my
manager. Stuart!
(Shrieking:)
STUART!
(Shrieking louder and banging on her desk:)
STUART!
(Lights up on STUART, at another desk.)
STUART.What’s going on?
MILENA.This guy is being hostile!
TANNER.I’m not being hostile!
MILENA.See!
STUART.Why are you being hostile?!
TANNER.She’s a thief!
STUART.I know that. That’s why we hired her. Who better to guard
the data than the people who’ve been stealing the data?
TANNER.That doesn’t make any sense.
STUART.Hey buddy, you need me, I don’t need you.
TANNER.I’m suing all of you!
MILENA.Oh my gosh. Oh no. Anything but that.
STUART.So scary. I’m so scared now. Milena, he’s going to sue.
MILENA.We’re doomed now I guess whatever. I guess it’s time for
me to say the secret things I’ve always wanted to say.
STUART.Go ahead, Milena. Let it out.
MILENA.I’ve always not loved you.
STUART.Oh.
MILENA. There has seriously been no romantic tension between
us.
STUART.I thought there was a little.
MILENA.Nope I just had indigestion that day.

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TANNER.IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU PEOPLE?!

STUART.A little bit.
TANNER.I want to talk to your manager, Stuart!
STUART.I am the manager.
MILENA.He’s totally the manager.
TANNER.Who’s the manager of the manager? Put the manager of
the manager on the phone!
MILENA.You are so pushy. You think you are amazing, but you are
buying socks. You need to think about your life.
TANNER.I WANT TO TALK TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER!
STUART.This call is being recorded for training purposes, by the
way.
TANNER.I don’t care! I want to talk to your boss!
STUART.Fine!
TANNER.I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY SERIOUS!
(Lights up on BOFFO, in another desk.)
BOFFO.This is Boffo.
TANNER.ARRRGGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGH!
(He throws something, storms off the stage.)
(Short pause.)
BOFFO.Some people you just can’t help.
(Lights down.)

Prepared for American School Of Doha, Devika Jude (Invoice #2246229)