Whatever Happens

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/61620613.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Fandom: Supernatural (TV 2005)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer & Dean Winchester & Sam
Winchester, Gabriel & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Gabriel
(Supernatural), Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Still Prerelationship
Destiel, unfortunately - Relationship, Gabriel & Alex Donovan
Characters: Original Main Character - Character, Alex Donovan, Original
Characters, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer
(Supernatural), Charlie Bradbury, Castiel (Supernatural), Gabriel
(Supernatural), Naomi (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural), Meg |
Demon Possessing Meg Masters
Additional Tags: Unreliable Narrator, Seriously do not take Alex's world view at face
value, Eventual Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, Alternate Universe -
Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, PTSD, Anxiety
Attacks, Panic Attacks, suicidal ideations, Eating Disorder, Although not
the stereotypical type, I promise this isn't all depressing tho, Updates
Every Other Saturday, Last Edited: 12/24/24
Language: English
Series: Part 3 of One More Chance
Stats: Published: 2012-07-26 Updated: 2025-02-01 Words: 18,898 Chapters:
4/29
 Whatever Happens
by dothebravethingandbraverywillfollow

Summary

Again, for those just hopping in, read the previous parts first, or you will get major spoilers.
For returning readers, I hope this needs no introduction. Enjoy :]

Notes

So first off, I'm so sorry for the late update, I don't know why but in my mind the 24th was
the day I thought I said I was coming back. The good news is, now that I've actually started
this, updates should go back to normal. I made a playlist for this part too, which you can find
here. Oh, and from now on, trigger warnings will be in the bottom notes. I think you guys
have a good idea of what you're getting into now that the worst is over so I'd rather avoid
spoilers that way. Anyway, Happy Holidays and I'll see you all in 2025!
 Sleep
Chapter Summary

Trigger warnings at the bottom.

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

She watches as the barn is consumed by flames. Watches as her prison crumbles and burns.
And as it does, a weight settles over her heart. Because she can't-

She doesn't feel anything. Not even relief. And even though he's dead, even though he can
never hurt her again… it doesn't matter. Because he finally got what he wanted. She's…
broken. Maybe even… too broken to be fixed. And just like every second before this one, she
wishes…

That she stayed dead.

They don't speak until they get to the car. Sam turns to her with that same pitying expression
from before. It makes her feel even more tired than she already was.

"Um, so you want me to make him sit up or…?" He asks gently, gesturing to the car. To
Gabriel. She stares at him through the car window for a moment, then shakes her head. She
needs him there. The reminder that he's out too. Besides that…

He could use the rest.

She stares out the window in silence for a long time. It's sunny. Hot to the point of…
suffocating. And that tells her… It's past May. She's twenty-three now and she- She was there
for longer than she thought. Months. Oh christ- NO. No, she's-

She's not thinking about that. She can't.

So she clears her mind and just… watches. It's only when they pass a thick grove of trees that
she remembers… purgatory. She tilts her head towards Sam, putting the pieces together.
Dean… isn't here. She swallows. Her throat feels dry, even after drinking a full bottle of
water but she still... speaks. Because if he's- then…
"Did he-" Sam looks at her in the rearview mirror, and she feels her willpower to keep talking
wither away. She shakes her head and looks out the window again. "Dean." She rasps, hoping
he'll understand.

He clears his throat.

"Uh yeah… He said something about purgatory fixing Cas's head? Figured it was worth a
shot since-" He pauses. She doesn't look away from the window. "Um, since we couldn't find
your journal."

She stills. That's right, she…

She swallows again.

"Buried it…" She glances down at Gabriel's sleeping form in her lap, her hand on his
shoulder. "Didn't want him to find it."

"Oh." She can feel Sam staring at her again. "That's um… smart."

She doesn't respond, just presses her cheek against the window and leans into the door. She…
doesn't want to think about that right now. About everything it means. She doesn't want to
think about anything at all.

Her eyes slip shut, but she doesn't sleep. Not until her mind goes fuzzy at the edges, until the
beating of her heart slows and…

Until she can convince herself that when she opens her eyes again, she won't find herself
right back in her cell. Or worse…

The barn.

She doesn't dream. She just closes her eyes that final time, and when she opens them again;
she's on a bed that's too soft, even with the springs poking into her side. She shoots up and
scans her surroundings, only relaxing after she sees Gabriel sleeping on the bed next to her.
She falls back and stares up at the ceiling until she feels a sharp pang in her bladder that lets
her know… she has to go to the bathroom. She stays for a couple more seconds then… rolls
off the bed, making a halting, slow path to the door.

Then she passes the mirror. And stops dead in her tracks. Because it can't be-

Is that… really her?

She knew she wouldn't look- But she's so… So dirty and thin and how- How is she supposed
to shower like this? Just the thought of stripping down, making herself vulnerable again…
She shivers and hugs herself, fingers brushing underneath her shirt, over the freshly healed
scar. Even- Even if she could do that, even if she showers in her clothes, her hair…
It's never been this tangled. To fix that, she'd have to brush it. She'd have to pull and pull until
it- until it-

'Okay?'

She flinches, breathing even faster as she whips around to him. And he looks like he's- Like
they're still- She swallows hard at that thought and looks away, trying to shake it out of her
head.

'I- I can't- My hair-' Then she shudders and shakes her head again. She- She can't even think.
Not like this.

'Want me to help?'

She looks up, shaken out of her panic attack for just a second. And she wants… so, so damn
badly to say yes. But…

'I- I can't. You just woke up. Your grace… I don't want it to-'

He rolls his eyes, and a feeling comes across the line… annoyance and something else.

'Please. This is a drop in the bucket. The day I can't rearrange a few tiny little atoms, might
as well stop calling myself an archangel.' He thinks, with a pointed raise of his eyebrows.

She stares. Because she doesn't know why he's insisting on it. Why he would waste his grace
on her. But whatever the reason is… she's not going to argue. Still…

She lets her hands drop and nods, already feeling tired as the panic starts to bleed out of her.

'Fine but… let me take those out.' She thinks, pointing to his mouth.

Because if it's the healing that's hard for him then… He might not be able to do it himself.
And the reason for that…

Her. No matter what way she looks at it.

His face goes blank. He looks away and… the connection shuts off. So she was right. He can
control it. She wonders if he can feel her too but then... she realizes it doesn't matter.

Because there's nothing left for him to feel. Again.

Silence stretches out between them, then he looks back to her and nods. He moves closer, his
hand brushing the side of her temple. Her eyes slip closed involuntarily, and she sighs as that
same tingling sensation from before passes along her scalp, followed by a wave of freshness
along the rest of her body. She doesn't open them again until he pulls away. Their eyes meet
for a split second before he looks down and gestures for her to look so… she turns.

And blinks at the person staring back at her.

For one thing… She's cleaner than before. She didn't ask him to do that but she's also… She
doesn't have to shower now. For a while, at least. And her hair…

She runs her hand through the shorn bristles on the back of her head, up into shiny curls that
part easily under her fingers. It's short enough that it won't tangle. She might not even have to
brush it. But most importantly…

It's too short to grab her by.

She lets her hand drop and turns back to him, something stirring in her chest, just a little,
before it disappears again.

'Thank you.' She thinks, trying to sound grateful. She knows she would be if- If she could.
His eyes burn into hers for a few more seconds, then he looks away and shrugs, face still
devoid of emotion. And it makes her think… He must feel the same way she does. Or
probably…

Worse.

She inhales sharply and moves to the bare kitchen table, which is, thankfully, bright blue
instead of a more normal color like-

Her hands shake as she pulls out a chair for him, trying to ignore the images of that table
flashing behind her eyes. She slips past him quickly, to the bathroom. Then she grabs her
toiletry bag and tries to clear her mind.

When she returns, she sets it down on the table gently, unzipping the bag in one quick
motion. Even then, she can see him tense in the corner of her eye. She glances up to remind
him that it's not the same, but that thought disappears the second her eyes meet his. Because
the way he's looking at her, it's like… The same way he looked just before…

Before she died.

But she can't- She's not thinking about that. About what came after. About the fact that part of
her… Hates him. For keeping her going. Keeping her fighting even when she had nothing
left. For keeping her alive. Even though she would have done the same for him she still…
She can't let it go. Those few seconds before everything went wrong, and it was just… quiet.
Peaceful.

Like drifting off to sleep.

She looks back down and shakes her head, forcing her mind to clear. Then she opens the bag,
hand hovering over the manicure scissors before she looks back up.

'Ready?'

He looks from the scissors to her. She holds his gaze for a moment, as calm as she can
manage. Then the fear recedes from his eyes a little, and he nods. She moves closer and
places her hand on his jaw to steady them both. She's careful to put it in a place that he never
did, careful to keep her touch soft, the same way he did for her.
She waits until his breathing slows, then brings her mostly steady hand up and starts to cut
away at the dirty fishing floss that she knows hasn't been touched since- Since it happened.
She works in silence, willing herself not to think about the context of what she's removing
and only looking away to make sure he's still okay. It's only when the floss is all gone that she
lets her hand fall to grab the antiseptic from the bottom of her bag and some gauze. She
might… have to cut away at his beard to get to it-

Then the line opens up again.

'I can do it.' He thinks, brow knitting.

She pauses, watching him carefully.

'Do you want me to-'

The door opens behind her. She flinches at the same time he does, dropping the bottle and
turning to-

Bobby.

He stills, eyes flitting over both of them, lingering on her hair for a moment before he looks
down and reaches up to readjust his hat.

"Sorry kid. Figured you two were still sleepin'."

She stares at him, not sure what to say back. She hears Gabriel pick up what she dropped and
walk away before she can think of anything and… The connection shuts off again.

She turns her head, tracking him until he's gone, then turns back and meets Bobby's gaze for
a split second before they both look away. He clears his throat and places a bag on the table
next to her.

"Got ya' some soup. Somethin'... Easy for your stomach. Got some for him too." He says with
a nod, still not meeting her eye. He crosses his arms. "Don't know if he'll need it though."

An awkward silence stretches between them after that, and she knows it's because of her. So
she says what she's supposed to.

"Thanks."

Something in his face shifts for a moment, then he shakes his head and smiles. But it's…
wrong. Not his real smile.

"Ain't nothin' to thank me for kid."

And the way he said that… Oh.

He thinks it's his fault. Her getting taken. And even though she knows it isn't, even though
she remembers exactly how horrible that kind of guilt feels…
She says nothing. And then… he leaves.

It's a few days before either of them speak to her, other than to try to get her to eat. But
eventually Sam asks where she hid the journal and… after that, he asks about Dean. She- she
knew it was coming but she still doesn't…

She looks away. Hugs her knees to her chest.

"He's fine." She says curtly, hoping that will be enough but… Sam never did know when to
stop pushing.

“Okay, that's good." He sighs. "But I mean… how long are they gonna be there? And what
about-"

She shakes her head and curls into herself more, jamming her eyes closed and trying
desperately to hold off another panic attack. Because thinking about Dean means thinking
about Cas and Naomi and-

And she doesn't want to be responsible for any of this but she IS. At least… While she's still
breathing. But why does she even bother doing that? They don't need her, not like she is now.
She doesn't care about them anymore and… Gabriel's safe. There's nothing left to live for.
Still… She can't do it. Not yet.

Not until they find that journal. Once they find it, she can… She just has to wait a few days.

Wait a few days and this nightmare will be over. She can forget. Coast on her best memories
for the rest of time.

Just like she planned.

She relaxes suddenly and unfurls, letting her legs hang over the edge of the bed. Sam frowns
when she meets his eye, calm for the first time since… before. Then he shakes his head and
gives her another one of those looks.

"I'm sorry." He says softly. "I shouldn't have brought it up so soon. I-" He runs a hand
through his hair. "I'm just worried, you know?"

She looks down at the scratchy quilt beneath her. No. She doesn't know. Because Dean could
never come back and she wouldn't care.

She can't care.

But Sam doesn't need to know that and… she'll be long gone before he ever figures it out.

"A year."

"That… That's when he'll be back?" He asks. She nods and falls on her back again, staring
blankly up at the ceiling. He says more, but she's not listening. Not really. Then she hears a
sigh and the sound of the door closing. Good.

She's… done for today.

After that, she doesn't move. She doesn't think. Light shifts. The day passes. And she just…
stares. Until she can't keep her eyes open. Her awareness fades, and as sleep drags her down
into the depths she wonders… If this time will be the one her luck runs out. If this time…

She'll dream.

She's in Sam's room when it happens. Waiting for Bobby to call. Waiting to hear that when
she's gone… everything will still be okay. But she should have known it's…

Nothing but a pipe dream.

"What do you mean you can't find it?" Sam asks with a tense frown. And she stops. Just…
stops. Because it can't- It has to be there-

"Exactly what it sounds like. Place's been flooded to high hell; could be anywhere and with
all that water…" He sighs and the rest of his words get swept away with it by the static
ringing in her ears.

Because she put everything in that lockbox. Her phone, her journals, everything and if- If it's
gone then she's…

Stuck here.

She stands, the weight of that knowledge pressing down on her, suffocating her until she can't
breathe and she just- she needs-

She needs to get away. She darts past Sam and he says something but it might as well be in
another language because she can't- Oh- Oh fuck she feels… Bile rises in her throat, and she
barely has time to lock the door before falling on her knees to hurl the food she forced down
this morning into the toilet.

Even when there's nothing left, she still feels sick. She pushes back until she's touching the
wall and hugs herself, burying her face in her knees.

Because there's so much still coming. So many world-ending events and she just…

Wants it to stop.

But it won't. Because she can't. Because they need her, anything she can remember. Because
writing it down will never be enough. And not just Sam and Dean it's… everyone. All those
people who would die if- when- Fuck. She pulls back and hits her head against the wall.

How could she die now, knowing how fucked up things are going to get? Knowing the mess
she'd be leaving them behind to deal with, knowing…
All of those deaths would be on her.

She can't. If she abandoned them now… She wouldn't be able to forget. Alive, dead… No
matter what she does, she's stuck like this.

Forever.

Weeks pass. Bobby goes, and they move from one motel to another. She stays alive. Makes
her body function. Talks when she has to. And every day… she thinks about what it would be
like for this to end. How peaceful it would be. And every day… she doesn't. Because a few
seconds of peace isn't worth the damage she would cause. It's just not in the cards.

Not for her.

Eventually… Sam figures her out. He starts hiding things. The weapons… pills… ropes…
She doesn't bother telling him there's no point. That she's stuck here. Because he'd just want
to talk about it and that…

That's something she never wants to do.

✦𖤍✦

She wakes up in pitch darkness, shaking and gasping for air. Her vision starts to spot when
she doesn't get enough and- and she knows she should stop because he didn't give her water
this time, and she's already so thirsty but she- she can't-

Something moves in the corner of her eye. She jumps back, almost falling off the side of
what she's sitting on before she realizes who it is and- She's on a bed. Not- Not in that pit.
Not…

Not with him.

The line flares up. It's distant, barely there, like the last time when she was-

'Nightmare?'

She swallows around her dry throat and nods erratically, still shaking and breathing hard,
even if she shouldn't- Because she knows he's dead. That he- That it wasn't real but she can't-
She CAN'T-

'Need help?'

Her head jerks up to him.

'Are you- How-'

He shrugs, nothing more than a vague shape in the darkness, then sits on the other side of the
bed.
 'Drop in the bucket. Like I said.'

She watches him for a second before she swallows and crawls closer to sit across from him.
Then she reaches out in the dark to grab his hand.

Because anything is better than this.

At first, nothing happens. Then a very familiar peace washes over her, through her, and she
gasps, eyes slipping closed and- And she's felt it so many times before but this time's not the
same. This time… he's not doing it to mend broken bones and flayed skin. This time, it's not
followed by the promise of more pain. It's… it's- She feels-

She feels. Even if it's just for those few seconds. And when it fades, when she opens her
eyes… It hits her like it's the first time that she'll never be the same. That she will never be
okay. Or happy or… any of it.

For the rest of her life.

That's when the dam breaks, and for the first time in months… she cries. She's- She can't help
it. She can't stop it. Not now and- and she- She can feel him start to pull away from her. A
choked sob bursts from her chest and before she knows what she's doing, she grips his hand
and holds on tight. She needs…

She needs him. Because he's the only one who understands. He's the only one who's seen her
at her most broken and vulnerable and she can't-

She can't handle this alone.

'Please don't- Stay.' She begs as more tears stream down her cheeks. She can feel him staring
at her even in the dark but… He does. Even when she's done crying, he doesn't let go. And
eventually… sleep pulls on her again. She lies on her side, resting her head at the foot of the
bed and... maybe it's because she's still holding his hand, or maybe she's just tired after all
that crying but… for the first time since she got out she feels…

Safe.

Chapter End Notes

(Tw: Suicidal Ideations, Eating Disorder, Mentions of Violence)

 All That I'm Living For
Chapter Summary

Trigger warnings at the bottom.

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Things don't magically get better after that night. She's not okay; she'll never be okay but…
whenever she has a nightmare, when it's all just too much, he's there to calm her down. Most
days… that's enough. Enough to make living tolerable. And after a while… she gets tired of
staring at the ceiling.

So she digs her sewing kit from the bottom of her duffle and grabs a random undershirt from
the scattered pile on her bed. Because she's had so long now to think about it. Her past. She
remembers…

The first time Bea taught her to sew. It was her eleventh birthday. She embroidered
everything she gave her, made every dress, every scrap of clothing, special and unique. It
seemed almost… magical to her. How she could make anything she wanted, with just a
needle and thread. But that wonder didn't last long after she tried it and… She never learned
more than the basics. She just never had the time. Or the patience. After Bea died…

She never thought she would. But now, as the vast, empty hopelessness of her future stretches
out before her… she has both. And maybe if she focuses…

She can forget everything else. Just for a few minutes.

✧𖤍✦

It takes some time to get used to it. To keep her hands steady enough to sew a straight line. It
gets easier when she picks a larger needle, and easier still when Sam buys her a hoop and
embroidery thread. She finds herself going to it more and more. Whenever it's getting hard to
breathe, whenever images of him start to flash behind her eyes. Because lately…

She feels things. Anger and sadness, guilt… It's muted most of the time but still… there. And
every time Gabriel helps her, every time he uses even a little bit of his grace on her, she
feels… bad. So… It can't hurt. To find something else.

Because he's not going to stick around forever, no matter what she-

Alex shakes her head once. She knows better than to let her thoughts wander. She looks back
down to the shirt she's working on and slides the needle through the fabric. There's a rhythm
to it, working the thread inch by inch toward the outline of her goal. This one is less simple
than the last, a dimming star on the brink of fading into darkness. She's going to have to
switch, use a few different shades of thread to get the right-

She hears the doorknob jostling, and tilts her head up briefly, willing herself to stay calm as
the door creaks open a few seconds later. She's… been getting better at that. But she still
doesn't really relax until Sam enters her periphery. He sets his duffle down and winces,
rolling his flannel up to check something on his arm. She looks up, then freezes at the sight of
the rows of gashes in his arm, like something took a bite-

He glances at her as he rolls his bloody sleeve back down.

"I'm okay." He says softly, before she can force herself to ask. "It uh, turns out that leviathan
was one of Dick's right-hand men. Gave me more trouble than I was expecting." He says with
a grimace, then gives her one of those patient looks that never make her feel reassured as
much as tired. "Don't worry about this." He says, gesturing to his arm. "I got it."

She watches him for a few seconds, then nods and looks back down. She doesn't get more
than three stitches in before he speaks again.

"Um and… I might have to bunk with you guys tonight? I uh, couldn't get a room."

She looks up just as he rubs the back of his neck, and an awkward tension settles over the
room that even she can feel. It's not… surprising but it does mean… She tilts her head to
Gabriel. He doesn't sleep as much as he did a few weeks ago but he still… does.

'We can share, right? You're… okay with that?'

He shrugs and looks away.

'Sure I am.' The line is barely there, like it has been ever since… she took those stitches out.
But she doesn't need it to know this makes him uncomfortable. A distant guilt swirls around
in her chest at the thought that it might be her. She wonders if every time they shared
before… if he was-

"Alex?" She looks back to Sam. He's… frowning at her. "I- I said I can take the floor. If you
want." He says carefully. She blinks and… oh.

Maybe it's not her at all.

She stares for another beat, then shakes her head.

"We'll share." She says quietly, with a nod in his direction. Sam frowns, his eyes dart between
them suspiciously before his face smooths again. He sends her a probing look as he sets his
duffle on Gabriel's mostly untouched bed.

"Okay um… if you're sure."

She nods back absently and looks down to her sewing, picking up the needle to finish the last
few stitches at the same time as she pushes a thought to him.
'You feel guilty about it. The mystery spot… Don't you?'

Something rumbles across the line, but he clamps down on it before she can understand what
it is. Then,

'Yeah, right. You think I have enough of a conscience for that?'

Those words drip with a contempt that she can feel, even with the connection so closed off.
Still… she doesn't buy it. She never has, not since the first time she met him.

'Yeah. I do.'

Silence stretches between them before the line shuts off again, completely. She sighs, already
feeling tired, but if she can't even do this… then she might as well give up now. Find a bottle
of pills and down the whole thing. But she can't. And she knows why she can't, so…

Her hand pauses under the hoop for a second before giving it one last try.

'Gabriel, I just… I think if you feel bad, you should say something. It might make things
less… awkward.'

The line doesn't open up again, but she can feel him staring at her, and before she can decide
to look back or not he snaps. Sam jumps in the corner of her vision, then pats himself down
at the same time as the line reopens briefly.

'There. Happy?'

Alex sets her needle down.

'As I ever am. Thanks… for listening.'

He doesn't respond. And a moment later, Sam turns to him.

"Did you uh… Heal me?" He asks, confused and a little out of breath.

She turns her head to Gabriel as he looks away from her, shrugs and…

Speaks.

"Figured…" Then he stops. Even after being out so long, his voice is hoarse. His expression
shifts into a frustrated scowl before he shakes his head and meets his gaze. "I owe you."

Sam blinks. She looks down. It's… good that he's speaking. Or better at least but she…

"Oh. Um, you didn't-" He sighs as she traces the outline of her star with her thumb, trying to
keep her mind empty. "Thanks."

The three of them relapse into silence afterwards but it's… less uncomfortable. She starts
tying off the thread as something else joins the mess of emotions squirming around in her
chest. Something different. A feeling like maybe… she did something good. It doesn't last
long. Because she didn't really do much and even if she did…

Fixing the rest… won't be so easy.

If it's even possible at all.

✧✦𖤍✦✦

She always sleeps better when he's next to her. It doesn't make the nightmares go away
completely but… when she does have them at least he's there. Even when he's not awake
it's… enough.

But she's lucky this time. She doesn't dream at all. She just falls asleep, watching the steady
rise and fall of his breathing in the lamplight and-

Wakes up again to the sound of something hitting the floor. Hard.

She jumps bolt upright, her heart thumping painfully against her ribcage. Sam straightens too,
his eyes glancing to… the empty space next to her. She swallows and shares a look with him,
then leans over the edge of the bed at the same time he does, looking down to the space
between their beds to-

Gabriel. And he's- Fuck, he's bleeding.

He looks up at both of them, breathing unevenly, a hand placed over the gaping wound in his
side. Then he shuts his eyes and hits his head against the carpet he's bleeding out on.

"Great. You're up."

✧✦✦𖤍✦✦✦

"So uh… you wanna tell us how you got that?" Sam asks after she's finished dressing his
injuries. Her hands are still shaking. She's just glad she had so much practice or- She shakes
her head slightly. She's… not thinking about it. She isn't. For a moment, the only sound in the
room is her packing up the rest of the supplies on the kitchen counter, then,

"Uh, yeah nope, I'm good."

Alex snaps the first-aid kit closed aggressively, trying and failing to keep herself under
control. She- She can't remember the last time she was this fucking angry. If she ever has
been. And experience tells her she should just keep her mouth shut but… She's past the point
of caring, and he's still being a dick for no good reason. So she asks the one question she's
been biting back this entire time.

"Why didn't you come to me?"

An awkward silence falls over the room, but she doesn't care because the line is frustratingly
quiet. She gives him a few more seconds to respond, and when he doesn't, she turns. She
crosses her arms and walks to him, feeling her anger dampen when he won't look her in the
eye. It probably reminds him of… She squeezes herself tighter.

"I could’ve helped." She says gentler, willing her voice to stay even.

He looks back up to her and… the walls are back up.

"Yeah sure." He says with a roll of his eyes. "As what? Bait? Because that wouldn't've got
you killed."

She tenses up and looks away from him, her nails digging into her hoodie. That- That hurts
more than she thought it would. But it also makes her so fucking angry, AGAIN, that she
wants to scream. She turns her head back to him, fists forming tight balls at her sides.

"I- I'm not fucking bait. I would have been fine." She says through gritted teeth.

He raises his eyebrows at her with a doubtful look. She blinks at him, then huffs
incredulously. The fucking nerve-

"Don't you- You have a gigantic fucking hole in your stomach!" She shouts, pointing
emphatically to him. "You have no goddamn right to look at me like that!"

He rolls his eyes again, which only makes her feel even more pissed off, and she squeezes the
fists at her side tighter, until her fingers ache.

"Okay, for the record, I totally did that on purpose-"

"Uh, guys?"

She snorts derisively and throws her hands up. "Oh yeah, because that makes it so much
better-"

"Guys!"

Alex tears her eyes away from him. Sam frowns at her, then sighs and leans forward in his
chair, placing a hand down on the table as he runs the other across his face.

"Okay uh, this isn't getting us anywhere."

And she knows he's right but she… She swallows and looks down at the floor as he turns to
Gabriel with a carefully calm expression. "So could you just tell us what happened so Bobby
and I can get you out of… whatever trouble you're in?"

She hears him laugh, as if the very idea is ridiculous, but just like that… the anger's gone and
she's… tired again.

"Me? Trouble? What gave you that idea?"

She shakes her head. She doesn't know why he's being so damn stubborn about this but… she
doesn't care anymore. And she doesn't have enough pride to stop herself from being the first
to reach out. She still can't feel him on the line so… she prays.

'Gabriel… Stop. Let's just… figure this out together.'

She looks up to him, and the mask slips for a second before his face goes blank. He looks
down at the table. Sam says something else, but she doesn't hear it, focusing only on him.

'Please?'

He glances to her again, with that same look from before. It's gone before she can understand
what it means.

He groans dramatically and slumps against his chair.

"Okay, fine." He says, tilting his head up to her with a playful expression, like none of that
ever happened. "Now, would you sit down already? You're givin' me the hebby-jebbies
standin' over me like that." He gives a theatrical shudder to top his performance off but it's…

She frowns at him. He's still so hard to read. Especially without… But she should be used to
this by now. She has no right to know what's going on in his head all the time. So why is she-

Alex looks away and nods abruptly. Then she pulls out the chair next to him and sits.

It… doesn't matter why. And she's not thinking about it.

"So um… what happened?" Sam asks when neither of them speak. Gabriel shrugs
nonchalantly.

"Oh, nothin'. Had a little showdown with a demigod mano a mano."

"A- a demigod." Sam repeats skeptically at the same time she pauses. Because now…

She understands exactly what this is about.

"Loki's kids. That's who…. Right?"

His eyes snap to hers as soon as the words leave her mouth like he's actually… surprised.
Oh… that's right he doesn't…

"Yup. Guess you finally figured it out." he says with a flippant shrug.

She nods slowly, trying to make herself explain the rest but she- thinking about it is-

"Whoa guys, could you back up a bit?" Sam asks with a confused frown, holding his hand
out. When he has their attention, his eyes skip down like they do when he's thinking, and he
sighs, bringing his hand up to rub at the bags under his eyes. "Okay, so demigods are real.
Fine. But wouldn't "Loki's kids" just be… yours?"

She blinks at him. Did Bobby… not say anything? She should probably ask but… she doesn't
have it in her. Not… Not now.
Gabriel snorts. Her eyes go from Sam to him.

"Please. I am so not parenting material." Then he grimaces exaggeratedly and looks up, as if
thinking about something. "Also, not into bestiality."

Sam scoffs and rolls his eyes at him. It would have been hard for her not to react in a similar
way… before. He clears his throat and turns to her with an even deeper frown and… more
pity. She wishes Sam would stop doing that. All it does is make her feel even more pathetic
than she already is.

"So it wasn't a trap then?" He asks softly, and she stares at him, trying to process what he's
even asking. And when she does…

Oh… so that's what they thought happened.

She swallows, reaching under her shirt to touch the scar on her stomach, and shakes her head,
wishing she could just leave it at that. But…

She can't.

She looks down to the table, willing herself to think only of the present and… the time
before.

"That was my last hunt." She says quietly, tracing the scar with her thumb. Then her hand
stills, and she forces herself to look up to Gabriel. "I- He's dead. I was gonna tell you… after
but…"

A flurry of emotions pass across his face in quick succession, doubt, then relief and finally…
disappointment. Her stomach clenches. Christ, she didn't even think a-

The door behind her bursts open with a loud bang and she jumps, scrambling out of her chair
to turn to- To two pale-skinned men she's never seen in her life. One of them is so tall he
doesn't even fit in the door frame and he's… muscular, especially for someone so thin. The
other is more- More normal looking, but there's something about the way he's holding
himself that just feels wrong. And she knows that whoever they are…

They're not human.

The shorter one's gaze zeroes in behind her on… Gabriel. He looks back, between her and
Sam, calm and confident.

"We're here for the angel."

A silence falls that seems to suck all the air out of the room and she- She can't move. She
can't do anything. She's just…

Stuck.

Sam moves quickly and places himself in front of her, then glances back. Past her.
"Uh, so I'm guessing these are the demigods?"

She stares at him, a familiar numbness settling over her, stealing her voice. But it doesn't
matter. She has nothing to say. And she can't…

She can't.

He gives her a worried look and turns back as the shorter man saunters up with confidence,
the taller one trailing behind him wordlessly. He sneers.

"Didn't you hear us, hunter? We don't want you. Move."

There's a tense pause and Sam glances at her, silently asking something she can't give him.
He looks back to the shorter one, and she lets her eyes slip closed.

Because she knows what's coming next.

"Uh… No?"

There's the silence, like there always is before the pain, and she tenses, waiting for it.

But it doesn't come.

Instead, he snaps and her eyes fly open as the taller one barrels into Sam, sending the table
and chairs flying. She stares as he pins him to the wall. As Sam makes a pained grunt,
reaching up uselessly to claw at the hand holding him by his throat and…

For a fraction of a second, time seems to slow to a halt and she's just… Aware. Aware of
everything around her. Of everyone, from Gabriel staring off into the distance and breathing
fast, to the shorter one smirking amused at-

At the sight of Sam choking. That's when it really hits her that no one is going to stop this.
That he could die.

And she's just sitting here watching. Something sparks in her chest at that thought, catching
like fire, and she moves before she's even decided on it, running the short distance between
them. She lifts her leg and uses the chair next to the man as a stepping stool to climb onto
him, grabbing his shoulder-length hair for purchase and bringing the other up to lock him in a
chokehold but- But he doesn't even notice and he's still choking him so she-

She releases his hair and shakes off some of the mousy brown locks that stick to her palm,
then she brings her hand to his face and digs into his eye socket until it pops.

Blood sprays her arm; he… whinnies? And Sam falls, gasping desperately for air. Then he
stumbles back and throws her off. She hits the wall with a loud thud, groaning as a dull ache
dances along her back and her head starts to throb. She blinks her eyes open again, staring at
the man as he gets closer and the room starts to spin violently around him. There's some part
of her that knows she should move, but it's distant and she-
She doesn't end up having to. Because some kind of wooden sword comes through his chest
and he falls… down and… it's hard to keep looking after that. She can just barely make out
the hazy figure of Gabriel standing over her before her eyes slip shut again. He says
something, and the next thing she knows, there's a hand on her face. Light fills her, tingling
along her scalp and then sweeping over her whole body. She gasps as her eyelids fly open,
and she finds herself staring back into his dark hazel eyes. He scans her face for a moment
like he's… checking that he did it right or something. Then his hand falls, and his expression
smooths. He stands and turns his back to her.

"See? Totally fine." He says with a flippant wave of his hand. Sam stares at him for a second,
then rolls his eyes and holds his hand out to her. She takes it and as he pulls her up, her gaze
lands on something behind him she didn't see before. How, she doesn't know. She touches her
wrist, wiping absentmindedly at the blood already starting to dry.

"Is that…"

Sam glances down at the massive dead horse on their floor with a grimace. "Uh yeah, he kind
of just… changed?"

Alex blinks and looks closer at it, frowning. But the wounds match up, and the horse
definitely has… more legs than it should. Gabriel snorts behind her. She turns to him, still
feeling the floaty detachment that comes with shock.

"Told you." He says, giving them a pointed raise of his eyebrows as he snatches his katana
off the ground with a pained grimace. He glances past her, to Sam.

"Well, this has been fun, really, but uh, I got some demigods to hunt down-"

"Wait." She says, letting her hands fall to her sides. And surprisingly… he does. She
swallows and looks to the ground, taking a second to gather her thoughts. But… no matter
what way she thinks it through; she always ends up at the same place. The same conclusion.

She looks back up to him and juts her chin forward, willing herself to look completely
confident in what she's about to say.

"I'm helping you this time."

Sam says something at that, but his concerned tone fades into the background. Her eyes lock
with Gabriel's. He's got that look again but just like before… it's gone in seconds. Then his
expression sets stubbornly, and he shakes his head.

"Hell no. What part of 'you're only gonna get yourself killed' did you not get?"

She crosses her arms and rolls her eyes, already starting to feel the adrenaline fade from her
system. But even so… she's not budging. Not on this. Because they've been out for two
months and she's just been… taking from him. Using him this whole time.

It's long past time she gives something back.

She opens her mouth to respond, but Sam speaks before she can. "Uh, Alex? I kinda agree
with him."

She whips her head to him, that same thoughtless rage bubbling up to the surface. Because,
so what if he does? Is he really expecting her to just let him-

He holds his hands up placatingly.

"Look, I'm not saying he shouldn't have backup but…" He trails off, then sighing as he lets
his hands drop. He sends her another one of those pitying frowns. "You froze."

"That won't happen again." She grits out, squeezing her arms tighter.

Gabriel huffs and she looks back to him, a plan formulating in her head even as he talks.

"Please. We both know that's a bunch of crap. Thanks for the offer, but this is my-"

"They gave you to him." She says, willing her shoulders to loosen as she walks to him, even
though she knows she's hugging herself too tightly to look calm. "Right?"

His mouth shuts and he looks away from her, tensing. She hates to see it but… he looks back
to her expressionlessly.

"Yeah. So what?"

"So…" Alex swallows and looks away, hesitating for just a moment, then… She looks back
to him and pulls out her trump card. The one thing neither of them can argue with. It doesn't
matter that it's not her real reason.

Not if it works.

"So, I deserve to hunt those bastards down just as much as you."

"Alex…" Sam says, in a way that tells her she was right. But she doesn't look back. Her gaze
stays on Gabriel, trying to read him as he swallows and turns his head from her. After a
moment of terse silence, he shrugs jerkily.

"You know what? Fine. You two wanna tag along, then whatever." He meets her gaze, a deep
and sudden rage shining in his eyes that roots her in place. "But I'm the one who delivers the
'coup de grace', got it?"

She looks down at her feet and nods, guilt churning in her stomach. Because with everything
happening so fast… She didn't think about it but… Of course he's mad at her. Of course he
wouldn't want her help. She took his kill. His closure. And maybe… Maybe she should listen
to Sam. Take a step back; let him and Bobby help instead.

Then she thinks about every time she's seen him die. Those agonizing seconds in between,
where she was never sure if he'd come back or not and that… She has to be there. She needs
him to live, and even though she knows it's wrong to keep using him like this… she's too
pathetic to stop.
 And too selfish to let him die when she can't.

Chapter End Notes

(Tw: Suicidal Ideations, Graphic Depictions of Violence)

So I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really not a fan of how they handled the other
gods, especially from season 5 and onwards. It's clear not a lot of effort was put into
understanding other cultures and religions to represent them accurately (or cast the right
actors), so I'm fixing it.
 Away From Me
Chapter Summary

Trigger warnings at the bottom.

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

They get on the road soon after they… deal with the body, somewhere around three am. She
spends most of the ride gazing out into the darkness, watching as farms and fields pass by
and sneaking surreptitious glances at Gabriel whenever she can. It's… stupid that she's
worried. He's more indestructible than most, even like this but… But she feels this weight in
her chest every time she thinks about-

She shakes her head minutely. This is stupid. She's overthinking it. He'll be fine. And she'll
be there… even if he isn't.

Sam clears his throat, and Alex turns her head from the window just as he finishes wiping at
the fog on his windshield in a pointless attempt to see better in this downpour.

"So uh, what's the plan?" He glances at Gabriel in his rearview. "For dealing with those
guys." He adds, after a beat of silence. He gives a nonchalant shrug in response.

"What plan? You find 'em, I stab, pretty simple."

Sam's eyebrows rise incredulously. "Seriously? That's a terrible plan."

He rolls his eyes. "Well, if you got a better one Sammy, I'm all ears-"

"I do."

They both look to her at the same time and… she regrets speaking when she feels so drained
already. Especially since there's a tension in the air that's been hanging over both of them
since they left that makes her feel… even worse than normal. She looks down at her lap and
sighs deeply.

"They don't know." She says, forcing herself to look up. "Do they?"

He frowns at her, then understanding flits through his eyes and he shakes his head
vehemently before she can even say it. The rain hitting the roof above slows to a halt as her
chest clenches painfully. Does he really think she would…

She looks away.

"It's the best way to make sure you get the kill." She says softly. "You can't tell me it's not a
good idea."

He rolls his eyes. "Uh, yeah I can. It's not a good idea."

She blinks at him in confusion and opens her mouth to ask-

"What is?" Sam interrupts as he spares them another glance.

"Me being bait." She says, frowning at Gabriel. She doesn't understand why he's so against it
if he's not-

"Weren't you pissed at me for sayin' that like thirty minutes ago?" He asks, sending her a
pointed look as he crosses his arms.

She blinks at him again, still not understanding. But… she doesn't have to to know he's got it
wrong.

"I was pissed," She says calmly. "Because you almost got yourself killed-"

Then, several things happen, all in less than a second. First the Impala skids and slides out of
control with an ear-ringing squeal, then her body slams against the door just as something
hits it with a squeak that's almost drowned out by the noise, and finally,

The car stops, and everything is still.

"Everyone okay?" Sam asks as he straightens and wipes blood off his face in the corner of
her periphery. She doesn't bother answering, unbuckling her seatbelt at lightning speed and
pushing the door open to get to whatever they hit as soon as possible because- Because it
sounded like-

Alex stops and kneels on the wet asphalt. Even with the headlights on, she can barely see
what they hit in this fog. It's something black and furry and… very small. They…

A puppy. They hit a fucking puppy.

She swallows and hovers a hand over the puppy as it wheezes weakly. Even in the dark… she
can see the unnatural way its legs are twisted. The blood. And she just… knows.

It won't make it. Not even if they brought it to a clinic right now.

"Oh- Oh God-" Sam says behind her. "Is that- is he um-" Then… it stops breathing. Her hand
falls onto its limp body, resting for just a moment on its bloody, matted fur. She pulls back
and stands, grateful for once that her feelings are so muted.

Because seeing something that small and innocent die… always sucks. She brings her
bloodied hands up to hug herself as she stands, then tears her eyes away from the body and
walks back. Her eyes meet Sam's and… thankfully she doesn't have to say anything for him
to get it. His face hardens. She can tell he's beating himself up for not paying more attention,
but she can't bring up the willpower to care. He sighs, glancing at the dog as he runs a hand
through his hair.

"Fuck." He looks back to her. "Do we- Do we bury him?"

She almost… wants to say no. Just because of how tired she is but… isn't it the least they
can-

"Uh, hey idiots?" Gabriel says. She turns just as he raises an eyebrow at both of them.
"Forgetting someone?"

She frowns at him, glancing back to the puppy with a twinge of guilt. Because she didn't
forget. And any other time she would have asked him right away but…

She looks back.

"You're still bleeding." She reminds him. He looks away, and the line flares up before
shutting right back off like he… lost control.

Then he tenses and rolls his eyes, angry again.

"Yeah, and in a couple'a hours I won't be. I'm fine." He snaps before she can say anything
back, and then she hears the puppy gasp to life behind her.

She frowns deeper, watching him carefully to make sure he really is okay before the puppy
butts its- his head against her ankle. He whimpers at the sight of Sam, running in front of her
to place his tiny body between them, trembling all over. He starts yipping. She kneels at the
same time Sam does, both hoping to calm him down, but it just makes him tremble more, and
he gives a yelp, scurrying back to hide in the gap between her legs. Sam huffs and takes a few
steps back as she places a hand on his head. It's still… matted with blood. She glances up to
Gabriel again, and worry settles low in her stomach because… he does look a little paler.
More tired. But maybe she's overreacting again because other than that… he looks fine. And
the dog's okay that's…

That's what's important right?

"Well, I guess we know who he likes." Sam says, with mild disappointment. She pushes that
thought away and shrugs at the same time Gabriel snorts. She doesn't look up, instead
coaxing him out from underneath her legs so she can sit on her heels. She places her hand
back on his head, gently scratching between his ears and underneath his chin to feel for a
collar.

"Yeah, that's a real shocker. Wonder why she's so scared of the gigantic behemoth looming
over her."

She can literally hear Sam roll his eyes at that, so she looks up and speaks before they can
start.

"She's not tagged."

Sam frowns, and she can feel Gabriel's eyes on her as she moves next to feel around her ears.
She sighs as she looks back up. "Or chipped. She-" Then the puppy climbs up onto her lap
and settles with a tiny little huff, eyeing Sam warily. Alex feels a swell of unexpected warmth
in her chest and swallows, pushing it aside. "She doesn't have a collar either."

He sighs and crosses his arms, nodding thoughtfully. "We should probably take him- um, her
to a vet the next town over then."

She hums, looking down at the furry thing in her lap with a frown. Because there's a chance
she could have an owner but… probably not. She's too skinny, too dirty. And for some
reason, she picked Alex. To trust and… to protect and she- She has no idea what to do with
that. Or…

What they're gonna do with her.

✧✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✧

Most nights her nightmares are manageable. A shapeless fear, darkness, thirst, hunger and…
pain. Sometimes all at once. When she wakes up she might be a little shaken but - But she
knows it's not real. It doesn't feel real, not like…

Those nightmares. The kind that pulls her right back to that barn to relive every second of
agony and fear. They're not as common as before, but with a day like today…

It's no wonder she wakes up trembling, with his sadistic crooning still ringing in her ears. A
lingering pain dances over her skin and she- She- Her eyes catch on Gabriel sleeping in the
other bed and… She knows where she is. She knows that she's safe even if-

Even if it still doesn't feel like it.

She places her hand on her chest, silently trying to slow her breathing but- but it's hard and
she still isn't getting enough in and she feels like she's drowning-

Something at the foot of the bed rises. She jumps and scrambles back until she's against the
headboard. It hits the wall with a soft thunk, making the light next to her shake violently. She
swallows and shakes her head at herself, now aware that that black shape is actually… the
dog. She frowns as she corrects the lampshade, then glances at Gabriel again to make sure
he's still asleep. He needs all the rest he can get, and she doesn't want to wake him up just
because she-

The puppy trots across the bed to her. She looks back down as she rubs her wet nose at her
elbow and scratches on the sheets to get her attention, then flops onto her back with a content
sigh. It's cute. Or…

It should be at least.

She lets go of the lamp and reaches down to rub at the soft fur on her stomach. It's a welcome
distraction, and she concentrates on scratching her belly until… she can finally breathe. She
sags, exhausted again, and thinks about what she would give to sleep the whole fucking night
just for once. She sighs as she lies back on her side. The dog goes with her, nuzzling under
the blankets, curling up in the space between her legs and chest.

She falls asleep with one hand in her fur and the other hanging over the edge, her fingertips
almost brushing the side of his bed.

✧✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✧

Alex wakes a few hours later to the sound of barking and… plastic rustling as Sam murmurs
in low tones to the dog. She… must've got up then. She stretches under the covers as her
mind slowly comes back online. And she really wants to go back to sleep, but they have to be
on the road soon if the light in the room is anything to go by so…

She sighs and forces herself to sit up, rubbing at her eyes while she watches Sam feed the dog
some treats. He glances at her, then frowns.

"Oh- You um… You're up." He says, with a look she's way too tired to decipher.

She frowns back and nods.

His frown deepens as he reaches into his pocket to grab something, a… rolled up scrap of
paper? Then he hands it to her, and she knows by the way he avoids her eye and shifts on his
feet that whatever's on it… isn't good.

"It was in your hand when I got here. I- I didn't read it." He says softly.

She unrolls it. The pit in her stomach widens, even though she should've… She swallows,
reading it over a few times before her mind even absorbs the words. And another few to stop
herself from looking over to the bed next to her to check that he's-

That Gabriel's gone.

He said he'll be back. He said he'll be back but she can't- She's not ready. And what if- What
if he-

"Alex? You okay?"

She forces herself to look up and… now she understands exactly what that look is. More pity.
Christ, she feels so damn stupid. She clears her face and crumples the paper up, shoving it
into her hoodie.

"Fine." She lies.

Sam nods, but he has that look again, like he's gonna start sticking his nose into things she
doesn't want to talk about. She mutters something about taking a shower before brushing past
him to grab her towel from her duffle. Her hand hovers over her "bath dress" for a moment,
then… She feels something she hasn't felt in a long time. Embarrassment. Because it's
pathetic. Pathetic that she can't even take a goddamn shower normally. That she's too weak
now to even lift a gun. That she can't breathe right without him next to her. It's pathetic that
she's so fucking useless-
Alex shakes her head. Her breath is already starting to come out uneven, and she refuses,
refuses, to have a panic attack right in front of him, so she snatches her dress and hurries past.
And she hopes more than anything that he didn't notice even if…

She knows she could never be that lucky.

✧✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✧

They take the puppy to the vet sometime after her shower. After the panic has faded to a
numbing apathy once again. She's… grateful that Sam waited for her. She doesn't want to be
alone. Not right now, even if being surrounded by so many strangers is… too much.

The puppy settles in her lap as soon as she sits in the waiting chair, and she relaxes just a
little as her warmth bleeds into her sweats. Sam glances at the puppy and smiles at her before
looking back up to Alex.

"So uh, do you want to keep her if she doesn't have an owner?" He asks in a hushed tone,
reaching to pet her head. She frowns, first at him, then at the dog. And after a long stretch of
silence…

"I don't know." She sighs, reaching down to pet her herself. "I don't think I could… take care
of her." She looks back up at Sam. "And Dean-"

"Will live." He says patiently, pulling his hand back to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.
"Besides… I don't mind helping out. I always wanted a dog."

"I know…" She says, ruffling her fur back and forth, feeling the rise and fall of her breathing
for a couple of seconds before she looks back up to him. "I'll… think about it."

He nods, and they fall into silence again until the receptionist calls for them to point them to
the vet's office. They wait a few minutes more and then,

"Hi folks, sorry I kept you waiting so long; it's been a crazy busy-"

Alex turns and freezes at the same time the vet frowns at Sam with narrowed eyes.

"Wait a minute. I saw you before," She points. "At the motel."

He shifts his weight awkwardly and holds out his hand. "Oh. Yeah, you're uh, the vending
machine girl."

She takes his hand and shakes it with a wry smile. "Otherwise known as Amelia Richardson.
Your vet."

He smiles back and… she can tell he's already into her. That…. could be a problem. "Oh-
Okay um… got it."

Then her smile falls. She pulls her hand back suddenly, turning to check on the puppy.
"Well, aren't you cute?" She murmurs, petting her head with a gloved hand. The dog leans
into it with a pleased grunt, just as she glances up at Alex.

"Got a name for her?"

She shrugs.

"No idea." She says tonelessly. "We… I think she's a stray. I was hoping you could check."

Amelia nods in understanding and pulls her hand back to appraise the dog. "Well, we can
check her for a chip, but um…" She looks back up with a frown. "It doesn't look like she's
being taken care of."

She sighs but… it's not a surprise. She spent too many years shadowing Bea at her clinic to
not know a stray when she sees one. She nods and steps back, watching as she runs through
her checkup and thinking… maybe she should talk to Sam about her. Then she shakes her
head and looks away.

No… there's no point. From what she remembers, they got together because they both needed
someone. Because Sam just lost the two most important people in his life. Because he was
alone and she thought her husband was dead. But he isn't alone this time and… they won't be
here long enough for anything to happen anyway.

Amelia pulls back from the puppy's ear and sets her instrument down. She sends for someone
to take the puppy out for her scan, then turns back on her heels and looks between them, her
eyes landing on Sam.

"So, she's in pretty good shape considering but… She's got a severe hearing loss."

He blinks. "Oh, uh yeah, that makes sense. This uh… This morning, she didn't hear when I
came in, and she kinda jumped when she saw me."

Amelia nods with a slight frown and puts her hands in her pockets. "Yeah, they tend to do
that. Just be patien-"

"And it's permanent?" She asks as her heart squeezes painfully. In any other time or place she
wouldn't care but…

She turns to her with an irritated expression that quickly smooths. She nods with false
sympathy. "I'm afraid so. Her stereocilia hairs are pretty damaged. She probably just stood
too close to something loud, like a train. Happens more often than you'd think."

"I know." She says in a hushed tone.

An awkward silence settles over the room, but it doesn't last long before the assistant returns,
scans in hand. He gives it to her, then bustles off again. She skims over it and… Alex knows
what she's going to say before she even looks up. She swallows and looks down at her feet.

"No chip." She says with a sigh. "So if you two want her, she's yours."
"Seriously? That quick?"

Amelia huffs, clearly trying to keep a lid on her temper.

"Yeah, that quick. As much as I wish we could keep track of every stray that comes our way,
we can't." She sighs and brushes her hair over her shoulder in the corner of her vision. "But if
you can't take her, I can recommend a few-"

"I'll take her."

She turns to her with a doubtful expression as Sam sends her another one of those looks.

"You sure?" He says slowly. It gets under her skin way more than it should.

But she pushes that feeling away and nods decisively. A black dog would be hard enough to
get someone to adopt. A mixed breed, deaf, black dog… She'd spend the rest of her life in a
shelter, best-case scenario. And… there's that feeling in her chest, a feeling that's been there
ever since the first time she crawled into her lap. Like she needs her or…

That they need each other. Especially since… everything.

"Well, I would think about it first." She says as she takes her gloves off and throws them
away. "It's a big responsibility."

She nods again as Amelia holds the door open for them and glances back to Sam with a…
softer look.

"I know you're probably just passing through but um… stick around a couple days. I'll ask
around, see if anyone's missing a puppy."

Sam nods and says something back, bobbing his head eagerly. Alex sighs. She definitely
needs to talk to him now. Since they're staying. Amelia follows them back to the waiting
room and is in the middle of circling around the front desk to grab something when the
entrance behind them opens. She freezes, then straightens slowly, looking past the two of
them like she's just seen a ghost.

"D- Don??!"

Alex whips her head around, staring at the tall black man she only vaguely remembers.
Amelia's husband. But… this isn't supposed to happen yet. And she has no idea why it would
change. Amelia makes a choked sound and moves back around the desk, pushing past her to
get a better look at him. "You're- Oh my god, you're alive."

He smiles and… her gut clenches. Because there's nothing soft about that smile. Nothing
loving. There's… an edge. A hungry glint in his eyes that's all too familiar. "Yeah baby, I
came back. Miss me?"

Amelia sobs loudly and barrels into him, muttering tearfully into his chest. He draws her
closer and bends his head down into her hair. Her gaze lingers on them before she turns to the
receptionist awkwardly trying to get their attention. And even though he seems to be hugging
her as desperately as she's hugging him, she can't shake the feeling…

That something's wrong.

✧✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✧

"So that was, uh… more eventful than I was expecting." Sam says carefully as they leave the
clinic and he sounds…

She sighs, wiping a hand across her face before she tugs on the leash to pull her to a halt and
turns to him. Sure enough, he's got that patient expression, not so subtly checking to see if
she's okay. Again. Fuck, it's so… exhausting. She wishes she could just ignore him but… if
she's right about something being wrong and it's not her husband, if he gets attached to
Amelia… they could end up staying for weeks, and she can't do that. Not-

Not without him there.

She inhales sharply and shakes that thought out of her mind, speaking before he can figure
out she wasn't responding to him.

"That's because it wasn't supposed to happen yet."

He whips his head between the clinic and her with a surprised frown. "Wait so she's-"

She gives a half-hearted shrug.

"You two… dated for a while."

Sam freezes, his eyebrows flying up and then furrowing again as he works through
everything that means. "Oh- Oh. I guess I… I guess it didn't last."

She shakes her head no; now back to thinking about what she saw. Because it's been months
since she's even thought about hunting, and it's very possible her instincts are rusty but… She
frowns and cranes her neck to look back up to him, squinting as the sun hits her eyes.

"Yeah, but did you notice something… off?"

"Off? With him?"

She nods. His brow furrows even deeper.

"Uh… no? Why?" He asks gently. "Did you see something?"

Alex stares for… way too long. Then she grips the leash handle tighter and tries to push
down the uncomfortable mess of emotions trying to come back to the surface. Because he's
not talking to her like he used to. Like a partner. No, it's more like…

He's interviewing a victim.

Her fists clench at her side, but she forces herself to focus on the question instead of…
everything else.

"Nothing concrete. I just… I don't like the way he looked at her."

Sam grimaces, clearly thinking she's… projecting. Still... he nods. So at least he's keeping his
doubts to himself.

"Well, it's not like we're leaving right away. I can keep an eye on-"

"No." She says firmly, squaring her shoulders so she at least looks like she has her shit
together. "We can keep an eye on her."

He stills, then shakes his head slowly with that damn pity, and even though she tries to stop
it, that ugly dark storm cloud in her chest starts thundering again. It's stupid and unfair, but
christ she's so sick of him looking at her like that. And if he tries to tell her-

"I- Alex, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, with everything that's happened, you're s-"

"Well, maybe I don't wanna hear what you think. Ever think about that?" She hisses before
she can push it back down. And she's not even sure she doesn't mean it, not until he flinches
away from her. Because of her. That's when the guilt comes crashing in, and she swallows,
hugging herself as she turns away.

Godammit. She should've kept her mouth shut. She knew it was stupid, so why couldn't she
just… Jesus, this is pathetic. She had more fucking self-control than this when she was…
When she-

"Sorry." She mutters, meeting the dog halfway as she stands on her paws and scratches her
calf for attention. Her hands tremble violently as she runs them over her fur, trying to push
those thoughts back to the corner of her mind. Awkward silence falls, only filled by the
buzzing hum of crickets and again… she wishes she could just leave it at that. But he
deserves better than a half-assed shitty apology, so she lifts her head back up and opens her
mouth to say it right.

He speaks before she can.

"We didn't know who took you."

Her hand drops as her world crumbles away and she can't… she can't do anything but stare at
him.

"W- but… Bobby." She says dumbly. Because that- It doesn't make sense.

He swallows and looks down at his hands.

"He uh, couldn't hear you well. Your journal was just… gone. And everything we tried…"
His jaw clenches. "Nothing worked. We had to make a deal with Crowley just to even find
you-"
Alex stands up quickly, gripping the leash like a lifeline as she searches his face. Because if
getting her out of there means he had to- or Bobby- fuck.

She'd never forgive herself.

"You didn't-"

He blinks, then shakes his head quickly, holding his hands up. "Oh, uh- No!"

She sags as the anxiety drains back out of her, and he looks down again, holding his other
hand tighter.

"No. He just… wanted us to kill him. But…" He sighs, and when he looks back up to her, it's
with sad puppy dog eyes that hit her square in her gut.

"I thought you were dead Alex. And I- I know it's not about me, but I just…" He frowns and
places a hand on her shoulder. "I don't want you to get hurt again, okay?"

She swallows and avoids his gaze feeling… frustrated. Stuck. Because that- She can't be mad
at him. Not for that. But she still can't…

She pulls away.

"So… What? I just stop hunting?"

He's silent for a moment, then sighs and shakes his head, reaching down absentmindedly to
pet the puppy when she starts scratching at him instead.

"I'm not saying that. If you wanna hunt, then… okay. But not yet. You need to build your
strength up again, or you're gonna wind up dead."

"Okay."

He frowns, assessing her sincerity for a beat before his expression softens. "Okay. And uh…
just remember you don't gotta go it alone. I'm always here you-" He frowns even deeper,
watching her with sad eyes. "You know that, right?"

She blinks back at him. Then she nods and looks down to her arms again. Because she does
know. She just… If Sam knew how she was feeling… if he knew that most of the reason she
wants to hunt so bad is because she needs a distraction from- From him leaving and how
goddamn worried she is then…

He'd see how pathetic she's become. And that's… not something she ever wants him to find
out.

She feels smothered enough already.

✧✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✧
By the next day, they've gotten a workout regimen lined up for the next few months; Sam has
the odd job of filling in for the motel's handyman while he's out sick and… she's figured out
what to name the dog. No, she's decided on it. It's…

It's what Bea would have wanted.

She swallows at that thought and focuses on tracing patterns in the moldy ceiling, petting the-
Bea absentmindedly. Trying to keep her mind empty.

It doesn't work. And a few minutes later she throws the covers off herself, knowing there's no
way she's getting back to sleep now. She… She really needs to stop thinking about him. Or
maybe… to stop thinking at all. She pauses, then pushes off the bed and moves to the
kitchenette, opening the mini fridge to grab a bottle of beer. She places it on the counter and
fishes her pocket knife out of her purse to open it. She just… she really needs something to
take the-

A knock comes from the front door. She jumps, sending the knife skittering across the
counter.

Then she sighs and rolls her eyes at herself. It's probably just Sam or something, but still…
Alex picks the knife back up and puts it in her pocket, just in case. She moves to the door and
stands on her toes to look in the peephole, then falls back on her heels when she sees who it
is.

Amelia. What the hell is she doing here?

She frowns, considering not answering for a moment but… What if it's about Don? She
doesn't look upset, but that doesn't mean she isn't. So…

She frowns, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she looks around the room for anything
incriminating. When she's sure it's fine, she moves to unlock the door, willing her hands to
stay steady.

Because it's probably nothing.

But then Bea scrambles off her bed and runs up to the door, growling ferociously at it. She
freezes, and a chill runs down her spine because she knows what that has to mean. She was
right. She was right; there was something wrong with him, and the thing standing outside her
door… It's a shifter. It has to-

"Hey um, sorry to bother you, but your friend Sam, he's the guy fixing our sink, and he said to
ask for something, um…" She snaps loudly, as if trying to remember something. "Shoot, I just
can't remember the name! But he showed it to me, so could you let me in? I'm sure I'd know it
if I saw it."

And that's when she remembers just how flimsy the door is. So even if she stalls… She
doesn't have time to text Sam and ask for backup or confirmation. She has to handle this
herself.
"Uh yeah, just one second! I gotta put my dog away." She half-yells, scooping Bea up to lock
her in Sam's room. She whines and paws at the door connecting their rooms, but the sound is
drowned out by the frantic pounding of her heart as the panic starts creeping back in and if- If
it's not a shifter then she's screwed. Who knows when Sam will figure out something's wrong
and come to help or- Or what the hell it's planning on doing to her but-

But with the way Bea reacted… it can't be anything else. It can't be anything else and… the
longer she keeps it waiting, the more time it has to catch on. So she swallows and jams her
eyes shut, drawing in a deep breath. She just… needs to focus on the hunt. The here and now.
Nothing else.

She can panic when this is over.

Alex nods firmly to herself and lets out another long shaky breath before she opens her eyes
again, reaching inside her pocket to flip the knife open and double-check what she's working
with. It's silver. That's all she really needs, even if it's not very long. Or durable. Still... With
all the other weapons still out in the car…

It's all she's got.

She swallows at that thought but pushes the reserging fear down and tucks the knife into the
back of her waistband. Next, she clips a charm off of her bracelet and holds it in her right
hand so she can grab the pocket knife with the other, deciding if she gets out of this, she's
never going anywhere without her angel blade again.

Then she opens the door with a polite smile firmly in place, still working out how to place the
charm against her skin without making her suspicious.

"Hi, sorry I took so long. It's just, she almost escape-"

But the shifter isn't interested in playing pretend, eyeing her hungrily as it pulls a weapon
from behind its back and swings it at her face. She stumbles backwards, teetering
dangerously on the balls of her feet before she catches her balance again. Her chin throbs
from where it nicked her and-

And she's expecting the shifter to taunt her or something, something that gives her a second
to think about how the hell she's gonna kill her when all she has is a two-inch pocket knife to
go against a fucking fire hatchet. But it doesn't. It just growls and runs at her, crashing into
the table after another failed attack. Alex holds her bleeding arm and ducks another swing,
breathing hard. She presses the bloody charm to the shifter's bare calf and uses the other to
grab her knife as it screams and drops the hatchet but-

But it's not there. It- It fell out- Fuck, FUCK!

She doesn't have time to search for it or to think; she just moves, scrambling on hands and
knees to grab the fallen hatchet. The shifter follows, grabbing her hoodie and pulling her back
just inches from it. She's too strong to resist and this is…
Too familiar. That hopeless empty feeling wraps around her like strangling vines, and for a
second… she wants to give in to it. Give up. Let it kill her. But then… she laughs.

"Aw, how cute. Baby's first hunt." She taunts smugly as she pulls her closer to whisper in her
ear. "Too bad it's also your last."

And just like that, everything else fades away, until the only thing left inside her is a roaring,
towering rage. Because she's not helpless anymore. She's not helpless anymore, and there's no
fucking way she's letting some two-bit psychotic shifter be the one to take her out. She's not
dying.

Not today.

Alex lets out an angry scream and stops putting her weight on the hoodie, slipping out of it
before the shifter can get an actual grip on her. She crawls to the the hatchet and grips the
handle as it moves to grab her, swinging up blindly until she hears the blade hit flesh. Blood
gushes everywhere. The shifter makes a choked sound. It wobbles on its knees, pressing
against the bleeding gash in its neck with her hoodie, but that's not enough, so she pushes
herself up and pins it to the ground. Then she swings. Again, and again, and again, until its
head is nothing but a bloody mess of gore and… If that doesn't kill it, then she doesn't know
what-

The door bursts open behind her. She jumps, whipping her head around to- to Sam and…
Amelia. The real Amelia. He lowers his gun as his eyebrows fly to his hairline, and Amelia
covers her mouth, staring at her bloody doppelganger's corpse in horror.

"Oh- Oh MY GOD- What-"

Alex stands, already starting to feel the adrenaline draining away. She leaves the hatchet
behind and silently brushes in-between both of them, not caring a damn bit when Amelia
flinches away from her with wide fearful eyes. Sam can explain, she… She needs to wash
this off. Patch up her cuts. And to do that…

She has to get naked.

She halts mid-step to the bathroom door at that thought, trembling uncontrollably again. Sam
starts talking to Amelia behind her and she stays frozen, every fiber in her body screaming at
her not to. Not to make herself so vulnerable again, so… easy to hurt. But… she's already
broken. And yes, she'll never be the same. She'll never be happy again, or even just… okay.
Still…

Isn't it time she at least tries to pick up the pieces and salvage what's left?

She swallows hard and approaches the door, still shaking as she grabs the knob. But… she
turns it anyway.

And walks inside.

Chapter End Notes

(Tw: Suicidal Ideations, Graphic Depictions of Violence)

So I can't tell this in the story (being from Alex's perspective), but the way the shifter
got Don's DNA is because he was a part of his regimen and his MO is to go after POW's
wives when he stops back home. Also Sam does tell her there's a real chance her
husband's alive, but this isn't important enough to mention outside of the notes.
 Conning The Con-Man
Chapter Summary

Trigger warnings at the bottom.

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Time moves on. Gabriel flits in and out of their lives and… She starts hunting again. Small
hunts and never without Sam. A wendigo in Scottsdale. A ghost that ends up being a
poltergeist the town over. It… helps. Because she forgot what it's like to be strong. To be able
to fight. To save people. How alive that makes her feel, even if it's just for a few minutes
and… how tired she is after. Too tired for nightmares most of the time.

And when she isn't, when she wakes up gasping and terrified, she has Bea. She's a ray of light
in the darkness, a constant companion, and maybe sometimes that's not enough but… nothing
ever really is. At least…

Nothing she has the right to ask for.

✧✦✦✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✦✧✧

When they finally find Narfi it's much more… anti-climactic than she was expecting. For a
millennia old demigod, he's not really that smart, not even thinking to question why she's
there alone and wasting the little time he has to get payback monologuing about all the things
he plans to do to her. He dies before he can even finish his little speech, and they end up
wrapping things up sometime around noon.

All that's left is dealing with the body and… Sam won't let her help with that, so she hangs
back, leaning against the Impala as she looks Gabriel over again to remind herself he's okay.
She's… really grateful he let her play bait. Grateful he didn't get hurt this time. He looks back
from Sam to her and raises an eyebrow at her staring. She winces, brushing her hair out of
her face as she looks down at her feet and tugs on the line.

They don't use it much anymore but… There are some things Sam doesn't need to hear. Some
things she wouldn't be able to ask out loud.

'Sorry. I was wondering… if you need somewhere to sleep tonight. Since you used your grace
to take him out.'

He smirks and raises both eyebrows now.

'That an invitation?'
She shifts her weight, then rolls her eyes, knowing not to take it too seriously. He flirts with
everyone and… She definitely walked into that one.

'You know I didn't mean it like that.'

His gaze lingers on her for a second more, then he looks back at Sam as he steps back and
grabs the gasoline. He snaps. The fire catches instantly, towering high in seconds. He gives
her a look and pushes one final thought across the line before it closes off again.

'Nope. I'm peachy.'

Alex nods awkwardly and feels her gut clench at that, followed by a deep sinking sense of
shame. Because it's a good thing. He's getting better, that's a good thing. She should be happy
for him or… as close to happy as she usually gets.

But she isn't. And she-

She's adding that to the list of things that she's not thinking about.

Sam turns to him with an annoyed scowl. "Seriously? You couldn't have done that before I
moved it?"

A mischievous smile curves at his lips but before he can say anything, Sam's phone rings. He
flips it open with one last half-hearted scowl at Gabriel.

"Yeah?" His brow furrows. "Whoa, whoa Kevin, slow down." She straightens at the reminder
of Kevin's existence at the same time his eyebrows fly up in pure shock. "You found a-
What?" Then he glances at her and she can see exactly when he thinks to ask her about it
and…

Exactly when he decides not to. He pulls the phone closer to his ear and turns his back to her,
speaking in a hushed, hurried tone. She watches him as he talks but his words fade to
background noise. Because she forgot about Kevin. Christ he's-

He's innocent. Not even out of high school and she- She knew what she was doing when they
got that tablet. She knew she'd be changing his life for the worse forever by dragging him
into theirs. She just thought that she'd be around to fix it. Not…

Not like she is now.

But that doesn't matter, does it? She remembers being in his shoes. Remembers how she
would have given anything to go back to her normal life. Unlike her… he actually can. And
whether she likes it or not… She owes him that. The only question is…

How to make it happen.

✧✦✦✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✦✧✧

She and Sam return back to their motel room, Gabriel leaves shortly after to start tracking
Hel down… and for once, she's grateful he isn't with her.
Because it makes sneaking out a hell of a lot easier.

Alex pauses, surveying the dimly lit empty warehouse with her flashlight to make sure the
salt lines are unbroken and the demon's traps are done right. She…might have over-done it
actually but… it can't hurt to be safe. She sighs forcefully, eyes glued to the summoning
circle for a moment before she places the flashlight down and picks up her knife. She draws a
line down the side of her arm in a brief, almost clinical way. It barely even hurts, but she still
can't stop her hands from shaking. Because pain like that… usually means- meant more pain
afterwards. Pain that built and built-

She swallows and shakes her head sharply. She… doesn't have time for this. She holds her
arm over the bowl and squeezes some blood into it, then starts reciting the words she'd long
memorized by now. And, even though she shouldn't, she tenses more with every word as the
pressure in the air builds to a crescendo, followed by a sharp tug on her stomach and the
strong stench of sulfur. Her breath hitches and her eyes slip shut involuntarily before she
reminds herself that it's not the same. It's not him.

She forces herself to open her eyes. Crowley raises an impatient brow at her.

"Are you planning to keep me waiting all day? Because as lovely as it is to see you alive and
well I do have-"

"I- Yes. Just-" She holds her shaking hand out as the rest of her words stick in her throat.
Christ this is pathetic; it's not even… She knows he can't- She shakes her head and hugs
herself, thumbing over her scar and latching onto the very faint scent of Crowley's cologne to
ground herself to the present. Then she looks back to him, feeling a strange relief at his
apathy. At least… It's not pity. She swallows hard, and she's still shaking a little but… it's
manageable. For now.

"Sorry." She says quietly. He rolls his eyes.

"I really don't care. Just stop wasting my time and tell me what you want."

She nods jerkily then… She picks the first thing she has to ask. The easiest.

"It's… a couple things. But first…" She sighs, then pushes her chin forward, knowing she has
to show some kind of backbone after what she just did or he'll walk all over her. "I wanna
talk about the tablet."

His expression doesn't change.

"I'm afraid I've no idea what-"

"The demon tablet." She says flatly, with a pointed look to remind him she knows exactly
what he's been getting up to. He stares for a moment, as if gauging her, then,

"And by talk you mean…"

She rolls her eyes, even though she doesn't feel even a hint of irritation.
"I mean talk." She says tiredly as she rubs at her forehead. Her hand drops, and she dredges
up another pointed look. "If I wanted to threaten you I would have brought Sam."

He hums in acknowledgement, watching her with calculated interest. Silence stretches out
between them, and she can tell he's waiting for her to fill it. She sighs again, considering for
just a moment telling him the truth. Appealing to his logical side, if not his humanity. It could
work. Maybe. But… She's not as optimistic as she used to be.

"Maybe" isn't worth the risk.

She glances at him with a frown, trying to look worried and reluctant all at once.

"I-" She swallows and looks down at her feet. "That's not the only reason he's not here
actually. He…" Then she pauses for effect and glances back up warily. She can see now he's
getting impatient, so she pushes on, careful not to oversell her next words. "He wants to close
the gates of Hell."

Crowley's eyebrows fly up. a sudden a sheer panic on his face that she's never seen in person.

"WHAT?!" He shouts. She actually flinches at that, holding her hands up quickly.

"I know. I-" She sighs and places a hand in her hair, with a frown. "I tried to tell him it's a bad
idea but he just won't listen-"

"Well make him bloody listen then!" He shouts, turning a violent shade of puce before he
swears and loosens his tie.

She winces again and hugs herself; a distant sort of guilt churns in her stomach. But she
pushes it aside quickly, knowing that he'll pick up on any little detail of her performance that
isn't perfect. Maybe that's what makes the next part easier to say than it ever would be
normally.

She clenches her jaw and throws her hands up.

"You don't get it! He doesn't believe me, okay? He treats me like I'm made of fucking glass
ever since-" She swallows and looks down to her feet, careful to clear her mind before she
continues. "Ever since I got out." Then she waits, counting to three in her head before she
looks up again. And as far as she can tell…

He's buying it. Good. He starts to pace the confines of his devil's trap. She crosses her arms
and watches, letting him stew for a few more seconds.

"Bollocks! Those bleeding morons-"

"It's not just him." She says loud enough for him to hear her over his angry mutterings. His
dark eyes snap back to her, and she tries to look just the right amount of stressed and
apathetic.

"It's K- The prophet too." She looks back down. "He just keeps going on about how he wants
his old life back, and he doesn't care if it kills Sam. And Sam doesn't even care either I-" She
looks back up, heart stuttering when she finds him staring at her with suspicion. But her mask
stays in place, and after an appropriately long confused silence, she speaks.

"Could you stop staring and help?"

He frowns, then straightens, composing himself. "Well, provided you're telling the truth,
there's an easy solution to this little… problem."

Alex squints at him warily to cover the way her gut clenches at that casual accusation. Then
her arms fall and she shakes her head vehemently when she realizes what he's insinuating.

"No. No, Crowley, no fucking way-"

He raises an eyebrow.

"Well I'm all for it if you've any other bright ideas-"

"Of course I do." She grits out, a real irritation flaring in her chest. "You really think I'm
stupid enough to come to you without something to trade?"

He smiles in smug self satisfaction and she realizes he was baiting her on purpose. So she
would show her hand. But unluckily for him… her poker face has gotten much better.

"You have it?" He asks, watching her with a greedy glint in his eyes.

She looks away and shakes her head. "Not yet. But I will. I…" She sighs, slumping a little,
and letting some of her guilt show as she looks back to him. "I want to make a deal for it."

He gives her a pointedly distrustful look. "I see. And what might this deal entail?"

Some of the tension between her shoulder blades eases. Finally, a question she can answer
without lying.

"I'm going to break it." Both his eyebrows raise at that, and she shrugs dismissively before he
can ask why. "It's safer that way and… I don't trust you."

His eyes scan her face before he shrugs back, looking unbothered.

"Fair enough." He raises his brow again. "I assume that half will go to me?"

"A quarter." She corrects. "And I'll hide the rest. But I need… some kind of assurance that
you'll leave the prophet alone. He won't stop otherwise."

"Half," He says, "and you have a deal."

She pinches the bridge of her nose, knowing the next few hours are going to be a headache.
And giving him half sounds like a really bad idea but… he has even more of a reason to want
to keep it hidden than her. So… she lets her hand drop and nods reluctantly. He smiles.
"Excellent. Now," He snaps and a contract appears, even longer than the last one she signed.
"Shall we get down to brass tacks?"

✧✦✦✦✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✦✦✧✧

It's dawn by the time they finish hashing out the details and she knows Sam must be up by
now to take Bea out for her walk, just starting to worry about where the hell she went. At
least she left a note, although she knows she has a lecture coming for her either way. She
wasn't lying when she said he treats her like she's made of glass. It just… comes from a good
place. So it doesn't matter. She's… fine with it.

Most of the time anyways.

She sighs and shakes her head, pushing her thoughts aside to review the contract one last
time. But there's nothing else to argue over, no loopholes left for him to exploit that she can
see. Once she signs this contract, Kevin is safe.

Her hand hovers over the pen for a few seconds too long before she can will herself to pick it
up, trying to ignore the way it shakes in her grasp. Because she knows this isn't like the last
time. She's the one who has the power here.

Even if he doesn't know it yet.

She writes her name next to his decisively and looks back up to him, feeling the exhaustion
hit her like a tidal wave as she sets the pen down.

"Excellent." He says smugly, the tension that was looming over him this whole time now
gone. He gives her a pointed look. "And just in case you're having second thoughts,
remember the collateral in any broken deal-"

"Is my soul. I remember the first ten times you told me." She finishes for him, rubbing at her
eyes tiredly. Fuck, what she would give to go to sleep right now… Her hand drops when he
starts tapping his foot impatiently, and she straightens, forcing herself to focus.

"There's more." She says softly, still not having the energy to get it all out. He rolls his eyes
up to the ceiling.

"Oh, more, how lovely." He sneers.

She grits her teeth and glares back because she's been up for almost two days in a row,
running on less than three hours of sleep, and after an entire night of mind-numbing
negotiation, she's at her ropes fucking end with his bullshit. He looks down to the stacked
crates between them and rolls up the contract, snapping to send it to… wherever he keeps
them. Then he gives her a pointed look and waves his hand dismissively.

"Well, unfortunately for you, I've already been gone long enough and I shudder to even think
of what those idiots have done to my kingdom whilst-"
"Yeah, and we're going to be here for longer if you keep talking." She says, crossing her arms
with a pointed look of her own.

He rolls his eyes. "Please. You can't keep me here-"

"Actually I can. Your contract never said when I have to let you out."

He squints at her disbelievingly, then snaps, his eyes scanning over the contract at lightning
speed. She can see the exact second he realizes she's right because his entire face falls.

"Ah."

She sighs and rubs at her forehead, the anger already giving way to apathy. Which only
makes her feel even more tired… not that that matters. She lets her hand fall and meets his
eye wearily.

"Now will you listen?"

He scowls at her.

"Well, it's not as though I've much of a choice, now is it?"

She shrugs and looks down, trying to gather the strength to speak. But it's still so damn hard,
and when she thinks back to her time in- In that place all she can remember is…flashes. The
moments in-between. The color of his shoes. That stupid white suit that he was always so
fucking careful never to stain. Gabriel. Everything else… it all blurs together. She can't
remember any of it clearly except… that woman…

She can see her even now. See every detail of her mangled corpse and those empty pale blue
eyes that haunt her every nightmare. And what haunts her more… He did it because of her.
That woman, whoever she is, is burning down there, maybe even torturing, all because he
wanted to find her. She can't live with that and… every second she spends staring at the floor
is another minute she spends suffering. Alex swallows, then tilts her chin up to him.

"He couldn't find me. As-" She swallows, but pushes forward. No matter how much she
doesn't want to. "Asmodeus."

Crowley gives her a look of supreme boredom. "I fail to see how that concerns me."

She lets out a long sigh and hugs herself. Unsurprising… it doesn't make her feel any better.

"It… It concerns you because he- He had to torture someone into making a deal. To get to
me. That… sets a bad example doesn't it? Just like the last guy."

He hums, looking slightly more thoughtful than annoyed.

"Perhaps. But I hardly see what I can do to help. The chit's been in there for months now
darling, there's no way she hasn't-"
"DON'T- Don't call me that." The words come out before she can even think, even feel
anything but the sudden overwhelming spike of dread. Then… she wills herself to look calm.
To unfreeze and… to stop digging her nails into her arms through her hoodie. Because it- it
could be worse. His accent is… different enough. It… doesn't sound like when he said it
either. She lets her arms fall as he gives her another look, then shrugs, thankfully indifferent
to her mini-panic attack. So… she focuses on choosing her next words. Carefully.

"Send her to me. In something unbreakable, that only I can open."

He raises an eyebrow.

"Quite the tall order. Any specific requests? A paperweight? Or a key chain perhaps?" He
asks sardonically, still very clearly pissed.

She raises her shoulders in a half-hearted shrug.

"I don't care as long as it's portable. And… tasteful." She adds, knowing he's not above
putting her soul in a dildo or something worse out of spite.

He sighs, loudly and dramatically, then,

"Very well. Shall I addend the contract then?"

She nods and he snaps, returning the contract and pen to her hands. She reads it over a few
times. then places her arm on the crates, looking back up as she signs. And she knows she
probably should have done this before she pissed him off, but then again…

She doesn't want him to think she's saying this because she wants something back.

"I also wanted to say… thanks." She says softly. "Sam said you told them where I was."

He blinks at her, looking genuinely thrown before his expression wipes blank. He snaps
again, and the contract disappears.

"There's no need for that. I can assure you, it was purely self-serving."

She shakes her head.

"Doesn't matter." She says, in an even, low tone. She's had enough of… feeling things for
today. "You got me out. I don't care why. So thank you. I-" She swallows and dredges up her
best attempt at a smile. "I really mean it."

He stares at her instead of responding and she can't think of a time where she's ever seen him
look so confused. The silence drags on for a few seconds. then she feels something pull on
her; a compulsion to break the trap. To complete the deal. She doesn't fight it. She said
everything she needed to say and it's clear he has no idea how to respond to her.

And she really, really needs to sleep.

The trap breaks. He disappears without even snapping, squinting at her with suspicious
confusion one last time. She sighs again. She forgot how exhausting it is to keep up a lie. Or
maybe… that's just Crowley. She nods in agreement with that thought and sits on a dirty
forgotten lawn chair that has no right feeling as comfortable as it does. The last remnant of
the summer's warm humidity wraps around her like a blanket as she slumps against her hand,
blinking at the surrounding warehouse. Then she gives up and lets her eyes finally slip shut.
She knows she should really get up again. She has a bus to catch, and she left her cell behind,
so it's not like she can stay here. She really… has to get up…

But she doesn't.

✧✦✦✦✦✦✦𖤍✦✦✦✦✦✧✧

Alex falls in and out of sleep, the warehouse an ever shifting backdrop to her dreams. She
can't really remember what they're about only… that they're not bad. Not about that place.
That's… new. She shifts onto her side under the blankets, wondering if that means- Wait…

Chairs don't have blankets.

She gasps, fully awake in an instant, and surveys the room with sharp eyes, not really
breathing until her gaze lands on Sam standing next to her and… Gabriel leaning against the
wall across from her, near the door. And they both look pissed. Great. She swallows, unsure
of what exactly to say. She was going to plan that out on the ride back home.

"Um I can-" Then she pauses, squinting up at both of them in confusion as she puts her feet
over the side of the bed. "No actually, first how the hell did you find me?"

Sam frowns but otherwise remains stone faced. Which means he's beyond just "pissed."

"Seriously? Does that even matter right now?"

She crosses her arms defensively, refusing to turn and look at Gabriel. She can already feel
him glaring a hole in the side of her head; she doesn't need to see it too.

"Yes, it matters. I'm warded against literally everything, so if something can get past that-"

"Yeah, that something would be me. Think you're fine." Gabriel says with such a venomous
anger that she freezes in place. And when she tries to reach out across the line on instinct
there's just… nothing. Not like it's off, but like it's gone and that-

"And what the hell were you doing toolin' around with that pretentious douchebag anyway?"

His tone is a little less… angry and she relaxes just- just not much. Because she didn't realize
it until now, just how wrong she feels without the connection between them. Without that
silent constant, always humming in the back of her mind, even when he's not around and- She
swallows and reaches down to pet Bea's sleeping form at the foot of the bed, trying
desperately calm down. Because she's lived twenty two years of her life without it. She's-
She's fine.
She's fine.

She lifts her hand as Bea gives a long sleepy sigh and turns to Gabriel, her expression
carefully neutral. Even though him looking at her like she- Like that makes her feel like shit.

"I needed to talk to him-"

"So?" Sam interjects angrily, pressing his hand to his chest. "You bring me for that! Alex we
talked about this, you don't-"

"'I don't go it alone.'" She repeats wearily as she runs a hand across her face. "I know."

"Then why the hell did you think-"

"Because I lied to him!" She snaps, raising her voice over his. He blinks in surprise. She
grimaces, preparing herself for when he freaks. "I told him you wanted to use the tablet so he
would leave Kevin alone."

He stares at her in wide-eyed disbelief. "You told him about the tablet?!"

And she can feel Gabriel's gaze burning into her again. She waits for him to say something
or… just to feel him. But still… nothing.

Her hands ball into fists on her lap.

"Yeah. I made a deal. He gets half."

"WHAT?! You can't just-"

"Closing the gates of hell is a bad idea Sam." She says in a tone that leaves no room for
argument. "Anyone taking on the trial gets their soul destroyed, and every hell bound soul
would be stuck here because they can't get in. It's a pipe dream."

And maybe that's not true, but the angel tablet… its trials are a parallel to the demon tablet's
in every way. Too close to the same for her to ever trust. Besides… Gabriel would've
corrected her by now if it wasn't… no matter how pissed off he is.

"You-" Sam shakes his head, and gives her a frustrated look. "Okay. Fine, I believe you, but
you still- You just left. Why didn't you just tell me-"

"Because I don't have to." She says through gritted teeth. She crosses her arms and juts her
chin up confrontationally. "I left you a note. I told you where I was going, I told you I'd be
fine, I even told you why." She says, getting angrier and angrier at his hypocrisy with every
word. She stands and jabs a finger at him. "That's more than you did!"

His mouth bobs open, then snaps shut.

"I- that's- That's not the same-"

She rolls her eyes. "Bullshit. It's exactly the same. I'm a grown-ass woman. I don't need you
to baby me for every little goddamn thing-"

"I'm not babying you-"

"Yeah well that's what it fucking feels like!" She shouts without thinking. Sam goes silent
and…

And the anger drains out of her as quickly as it came.

Shit. She did it again, and worse… she just told him exactly what she promised herself she
wouldn't. She hugs herself as the last of the anger leaves her, making way for… guilt.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly.

She shakes her head and looks down at her crossed arms. "Don't be." She says softly. "I didn't
mea-" She shakes her head again and looks up to him, deciding against lying at the last
second. He'd know. "It's stupid. I know it's because you care."

He frowns and shakes his head.

"It's not stupid. You're right. Back then you didn't-" He stops and looks to where Gabriel is
with a frown, then sighs and gives her another apologetic look. "I get it is what I'm trying to
say. And I'll try not to. Okay?"

Alex swallows, still feeling guilty but… maybe she isn't as okay with it as she thought, and if
he's not mad… then it's fine right? She nods after a second of hesitation and glances over to
Gabriel, trying to ignore the way her stomach sinks. He's not looking at her anymore and…
She can tell he's still angry by the tension in his shoulders, the set of his jaw. But she doesn't
understand why. Sam was pissed because he was worried but this…

That can't be the reason. He doesn't need her anymore… not like he used to. So why? Is it
because he had to use his grace to find her? Or maybe…

'Because he's finally figured out helping me is nothing but a waste of time. Because he knows
exactly how pathetic I-'

She swallows and returns her attention to Sam, pushing that thought down with a vengeance.
That's- She can think about this later. For now, she needs to get him out of the room so they
can… talk.

"You should call Kevin." She says softly. "Tell him he'll be safe once we have the tablet. Him
and… anyone else he cares about."

He frowns at her, then nods and stands to grab his phone off the table. He glances between
the two of them, his gaze lingering on Gabriel as he turns back to leave the room, and that
means… he definitely picked up on something. Great. She grimaces, reluctantly turning back
to him before he can-
Alex freezes, and world seems to stop around her the second their eyes meet because…
there's that look again. He's not angry anymore, she can tell that much, but the rest… she
doesn't know. And it's familiar. In a way she can't quite-

The door opens and shuts behind her, snapping her out of it. She swallows again and looks
down to the floor, taking a second to put her thoughts back together. It… doesn't matter what
it is. He's not mad anymore and…

She can feel him again.

She sighs in relief as the knot of tension between her shoulders finally starts to unfurl, then
looks back up to him, still feeling guilty.

"I'm sorry by the way." She says softly. "For making you come find me. I was-" She shakes
her head. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

He frowns, then his expression clears and he huffs with that laidback amused look. Like he
was never angry at all.

"Pffft you think I care about that? I'm just trying to figure out how the hell you got one over
on that slimy weasel."

She bites her lip and shrugs awkwardly. It's… wasn't really that hard. Because Crowley sees
what everyone else sees. A poor broken remnant of what she used to be. Someone… easy to
take advantage of. She puts on a smile.

"I guess… I got lucky."

"Oooohh, bad word choice." He says, with one of those goofy eyebrows wiggles.

She huffs with a roll of her eyes before… it hits her. She's going to miss him when he's gone.
And not just because she still needs him but-

She shakes her head and looks down to her feet. It's not important. It's not important and…
She got him alone for a reason. She looks back up.

"I did though. Found a loophole he missed and… got him to fix what-" She swallows,
pushing down the urge to reach across the line and finish her sentence. She needs to stop
relying on it so much. She tilts her chin up to meet his eye and… he's got that confused
frown, the one that reminds her so much of Cas. "To give me that woman's soul." She says in
a hushed tone, hoping she won't have to explain more than that.

And judging by the way he tenses… she doesn't. He sighs and shakes his head, looking
down. "Yeah well, with how long she's been cookin' in there… No way she hasn't picked up
the knife."

"I know." She says softly, bringing her hand up under her shirt to thumb at her scar. "But
there's a cure. And even if there isn't…" She shrugs listlessly. "Better than her suffering."
 He shrugs back as the door opens again. She frowns, knowing that he shouldn't be done yet.
She turns her back to him reluctantly, to face Sam. He jams the phone between his shoulder
and ear as he walks in and stalks over to his laptop to flip it open.

"Yeah, okay I'm here." Her frown deepens, and she turns back to Gabriel to-

But he's gone. And she…

She really hates it when he does that. She didn't have anything left to tell him but… still. She
swallows hard and shakes her head, moving closer to peek at what Sam's writing when he
stops, his entire face scrunching up in confusion. "Wait, seriously?" Then he finishes the last
word and slides the paper over to her. "Yeah probably… We'll figure something out. Thanks
Bobby."

Her eyes scan over it a few times, the name pulling on some distant memory in back of her
head. Then her stomach drops and she stills, looking back up to Sam.

"Bobby found a lead?" She asks, even though she already knows the answer. There's just…
nothing else this could be.

He grimaces. "Yeah. Call him back? We should probably… talk about this."

She swallows, then nods absentmindedly as her eyes trace over the words one more time.
Elysian Fields Hotel. Yeah…

There's no way this isn't a trap.

Chapter End Notes

(Tw: Intense Self Loathing, Semi-Graphic Depictions Of A Dead Body)

Sigh... At this point I think it's becoming a tradition for Crowley to completely derail my
plans to hog a chapter all to himself. He really loves the spotlight lol.
Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!