Explain some of the ways in which humans are damaging the environment.

What can
governments do to address these problems? What can individual people do?

It is a common belief that the ecosystem is being negatively influenced by humans’ activities.
This essay will point out some of the ways people do harm to the environment and suggest
viable methods and actions that need to be taken and implemented by both the governments
and individuals to reduce the risk of environmental issues.

There are two obvious activities causing this phenomenon which are commonly seen in
society.First of all,due to the industrial advancement,there are more and more factories and
sky buildings erected to satisfy the significant demands of citizens,which requires a large
amount of space,thus leading to a large scale of deforestation.Forests provides residents
with oxygen as well as shelter to a variety of animals.Therefore,if this issue continues,it will
have devastating impact on residents’ health,especially respiratory diseases as they cannot
get enough the fresh air and lead to the loss of biodiversity. Secondly, in order to maximize
profits,companies illegally release pollutants into aquatic ecosystems that can result in the
extinction of marine creatures.

Notwithstanding ,to reduce the risk of environmental issues, the governments need to
impose heavy taxes as well as harsh punishments to prevent wrongdoing by
factories.Moreover, by investing in environmental protection campaigns and afforestation,we
could raise individuals’ awareness and contribute to maintaining balance for the ecosystem
simultaneously.

In conclusion,the environment is indeed being put at risk because of humankind’s

interventions ,yet this issue can reduced by carrying out previous measures.If individuals put
effort into preserving our ,this planet will become a better place to live

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: It is a common belief that the ecosystem is being negatively influenced by
humans’ activities. This essay will point out some of the ways people do harm to the
environment and suggest viable methods and actions that need to be taken and
implemented by both the governments and individuals to reduce the risk of environmental
issues.

Feedback for Introduction:

Clear Answer: The introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay by acknowledging
the negative impact of human activities on the ecosystem. It clearly states the purpose of the
essay, which is to identify the ways humans harm the environment and propose solutions.
This provides a clear direction for the reader.

Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the impact of
human activities on the environment. However, it could be more specific in mentioning the
types of activities that are causing harm, such as industrialization and pollution, to directly
align with the question's focus on specific ways humans are damaging the environment.

Brief Overview: The introduction could be improved by briefly outlining the main points that
will be discussed in the essay. For example, mentioning the specific environmental issues
caused by industrialization and pollution, and the proposed solutions by governments and
individuals, would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the introduction's
effectiveness.
Improved Introduction: The pervasive belief that human activities are significantly harming
the environment is a pressing concern. This essay will examine the specific ways in which
human actions are damaging the ecosystem, and propose viable solutions that can be
implemented by both governments and individuals to mitigate these environmental risks. By
addressing the impact of industrialization and pollution, we will discuss the necessary
measures to protect the environment and ensure a sustainable future.

Main Point 1: There are two obvious activities causing this phenomenon which are
commonly seen in society.First of all,due to the industrial advancement,there are more and
more factories and sky buildings erected to satisfy the significant demands of citizens,which
requires a large amount of space,thus leading to a large scale of deforestation.Forests
provides residents with oxygen as well as shelter to a variety of animals.Therefore,if this
issue continues,it will have devastating impact on residents’ health,especially respiratory
diseases as they cannot get enough the fresh air and lead to the loss of biodiversity.

Feedback for Main Point 1:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively links industrial advancement and the
construction of factories and skyscrapers to deforestation, highlighting the impact on the
environment and human health. The logical flow from industrial growth to deforestation and
its consequences is clear and well-structured.

Overgeneralizations: The statement that deforestation will lead to "devastating impact on

residents’ health" and "loss of biodiversity" could be seen as an overgeneralization. While it's
true that deforestation can have significant impacts, the extent and immediacy of these
impacts may vary depending on the location and the scale of deforestation.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The supporting ideas are relevant and
effectively illustrate the main point. The mention of forests providing oxygen and shelter for
animals directly links the environmental impact to human health and biodiversity, making the
argument more compelling.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "sky buildings" is somewhat

ambiguous and could be clarified. It's unclear whether this refers to high-rise buildings or
buildings with a specific architectural feature. Clarifying this term would enhance clarity.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all industrial growth leads to
deforestation without considering alternative scenarios where industrial development might
not necessarily result in deforestation. Acknowledging these variations would provide a more
balanced view.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is appropriately assertive for the argument
being made. However, introducing qualifiers like "can" or "may" when discussing the impacts
of deforestation would soften the statements and reflect the potential rather than the
certainty of the outcomes.

Overall Evaluation: Well Extended and Supported

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail Specific Impacts: Expand on the specific health impacts of reduced air quality and
the loss of biodiversity. Discuss how these impacts can vary depending on the location and
the extent of deforestation.
Clarify Ambiguous Terms: Replace "sky buildings" with a more precise term like "high-rise
buildings" to avoid confusion.

Introduce Counterpoints: Consider discussing scenarios where industrial development

might not lead to deforestation, such as in areas with existing infrastructure or where
sustainable practices are implemented. This would provide a more nuanced understanding
of the issue.

Balance the Argument: Use more cautious language to acknowledge that while
deforestation is a significant issue, the extent of its impact can vary. This would make the
argument more balanced and reflective of the complexities involved in environmental issues.

Improved Main Point 1: Industrial advancements have led to the construction of more
factories and high-rise buildings, which require significant space and contribute to
deforestation. This deforestation not only reduces the availability of oxygen and shelter for
various animals but also poses health risks to humans, particularly respiratory issues due to
decreased air quality. If this trend continues, it could have severe consequences for both
human health and biodiversity. Therefore, it is crucial to address these environmental
impacts through measures such as increased taxes on polluting industries and
environmental awareness campaigns to mitigate the effects of deforestation.

Main Point 2: Secondly, in order to maximize profits,companies illegally release pollutants

into aquatic ecosystems that can result in the extinction of marine creatures.

Feedback for Main Point 2:

Argumentative Logic: The argument that companies release pollutants into aquatic
ecosystems to maximize profits is logically sound and directly addresses the environmental
impact of industrial activities. However, the connection between these actions and the
extinction of marine creatures could be more explicitly detailed to strengthen the argument.

Overgeneralizations: The statement might overgeneralize the extent to which all

companies engage in such practices. While it's true that some companies may prioritize
profits over environmental regulations, not all companies operate in this manner.
Acknowledging this variability would provide a more balanced view.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The idea that pollutants can lead to
the extinction of marine creatures is relevant and effectively supports the argument.
However, the argument would benefit from specific examples or a brief explanation of how
these pollutants directly contribute to extinction, which would enhance the persuasiveness of
the point.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "companies illegally release

pollutants" is somewhat vague. Specifying what types of pollutants and how they are
released (e.g., through industrial processes or waste disposal) would clarify the issue.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all pollutants released by

companies will directly lead to the extinction of marine creatures. This overlooks the complex
factors that contribute to extinction, such as the resilience of species and the effectiveness of
conservation efforts.

Overly Assertive Language: The definitive statement about the extinction of marine
creatures could be softened to reflect the complexity of environmental impacts. Phrases like
"can contribute to" or "may lead to" would provide a more nuanced and accurate
representation of the potential consequences.
Overall Evaluation: Insufficiently Developed or Lack Clarity

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail the Impact of Pollutants: Expand on how pollutants specifically affect marine
ecosystems and the mechanisms by which they can lead to extinction. This could include
discussing the direct and indirect impacts on food chains, habitat destruction, and the
cumulative effects of multiple pollutants.

Introduce Counterpoints or Mitigating Factors: Acknowledge that while some companies

may engage in illegal practices, there are also efforts by companies and governments to
reduce pollution and protect marine ecosystems. Discussing these efforts would provide a
more balanced perspective.

Clarify and Specify Terms: Use more precise language to describe the types of pollutants
and the methods by which they are released. This would help readers understand the
specific nature of the problem and its potential consequences.

Balance the Argument: Soften the language to reflect the complexity of environmental
issues and the variability in company practices. This would make the argument more
credible and less prone to overgeneralization.

Improved Main Point 2: Revised Main Point: Companies often release pollutants into
aquatic ecosystems to maximize profits, which can lead to the extinction of marine species.
This practice not only harms the environment but also poses significant health risks to
humans who rely on these ecosystems for food and livelihoods. While it is important to
recognize that not all companies engage in such illegal activities, the impact of these
pollutants on marine biodiversity is a serious concern that requires immediate attention and
regulation. Governments and individuals must work together to enforce stricter
environmental laws and promote sustainable practices to mitigate these threats and protect
our oceans.

Conclusion: In conclusion,the environment is indeed being put at risk because of

humankind’s interventions,yet this issue can reduced by carrying out previous measures.If
individuals put effort into preserving our,this planet will become a better place to live

Feedback for Conclusion:

Clear Answer: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the
essay, highlighting the negative impact of human activities on the environment and the need
for both government and individual actions to mitigate these effects. It clearly states the
thesis that the environment is being harmed and that measures can be taken to improve it.
This clear restatement of the essay's argument helps to reinforce the main points and
provides a concise wrap-up.

Relevance: The conclusion is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the impact of
human activities on the environment and suggests solutions from both government and
individual perspectives. However, it could be more specific in linking these solutions directly
to the environmental issues discussed in the essay, such as deforestation and pollution.
Additionally, the conclusion could benefit from a more formal and polished language to
enhance its impact and professionalism.

Improved Conclusion: In conclusion, the environment is indeed facing significant

challenges due to human activities. However, by implementing measures such as increased
government regulations and individual environmental awareness campaigns, we can work
together to mitigate these impacts and create a more sustainable future for our planet.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying ways in
which humans are damaging the environment, such as deforestation and pollution from
factories. It also discusses actions that governments and individuals can take to mitigate
these issues. However, while the essay mentions government actions like imposing taxes
and investing in campaigns, it could provide more specific examples or elaborations on what
these campaigns might entail. Additionally, the individual actions suggested are not explicitly
stated, which weakens the response to the second part of the question.

How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should clearly outline specific actions
that individuals can take to help the environment, such as reducing waste, using public
transport, or participating in local clean-up efforts. Furthermore, providing concrete examples
of government initiatives, such as renewable energy investments or stricter regulations on
emissions, would strengthen the response.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that human activities are
damaging the environment and that both governments and individuals have roles in
addressing these issues. However, the transition between discussing the problems and the
solutions could be smoother. The phrase "notwithstanding" is somewhat abrupt and may
confuse readers about the shift in focus.

How to improve: To improve clarity, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences
that signal the transition from problem identification to solution discussion. Using phrases
like "In response to these issues" or "To combat these challenges" would provide a more
coherent flow and reinforce the essay's position.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding environmental damage and
potential solutions, but the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance,
while the mention of deforestation and pollution is relevant, the explanations could be more
detailed. The impact of deforestation on health and biodiversity is mentioned but not fully
explored, and the discussion of government actions lacks depth.

How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the essay should
include more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, elaborating on how
deforestation affects local climates or discussing specific pollutants and their effects on
marine life would provide a stronger foundation for the arguments. Additionally, using data or
statistics could lend credibility to the claims made.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on human actions that
harm the environment and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the
writing becomes slightly vague, particularly in the conclusion, where the phrase "this issue
can reduced by carrying out previous measures" lacks specificity and clarity.

How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the conclusion should succinctly
summarize the key points made in the essay without introducing new ideas. It could reiterate
the main ways humans damage the environment and the specific actions that both
governments and individuals can take, ensuring that the reader is left with a clear
understanding of the essay's main arguments.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents
relevant ideas, it would benefit from clearer transitions, more detailed explanations, and
specific examples to fully address the prompt and enhance the overall coherence and depth
of the response.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the main points
to be discussed, which is a strength in terms of logical organization. The body paragraphs
follow a general-to-specific structure, initially addressing the causes of environmental
damage and then discussing potential solutions. However, the transition between the
discussion of human activities and the proposed solutions could be smoother. For example,
the shift from the second body paragraph to the discussion on government actions feels
abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that connects the two ideas.

How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the
beginning of new sections or paragraphs to guide the reader. For instance, after discussing
the environmental damage caused by industrial activities, a sentence like "In response to
these challenges, it is crucial for governments to take decisive action" would create a more
seamless transition.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing
on a distinct idea. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses human
activities harming the environment, and the third outlines governmental and individual
actions. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly delineated with appropriate spacing
and indentation, as the current format appears cramped. Additionally, the second paragraph
could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on deforestation and the other on
pollution, which would allow for a more detailed exploration of each issue.

How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a
clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting details.
Additionally, use spacing to separate paragraphs visually, making the essay easier to read.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all,"
"secondly," and "notwithstanding," which help in organizing thoughts. However, the range of
cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of conjunctions and linking phrases is
inconsistent. For example, the phrase "due to the industrial advancement" could be better
connected to the subsequent sentence with a cohesive device that indicates causality, such
as "As a result of industrial advancement."

How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of
linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Consequently." This
will help to clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay.
Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also improve their natural
integration into writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents
relevant ideas, attention to the logical flow, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive
devices will further strengthen coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in
this criterion.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with

terms like "ecosystem," "deforestation," "pollutants," and "biodiversity." However, the
vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For instance, the phrase
"ways people do harm to the environment" could be improved by using synonyms such as
"methods," "practices," or "actions."

How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should aim to incorporate
synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly
using "environment," alternatives like "natural world," "ecosystem," or "surroundings" could
be employed. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to environmental
issues would strengthen the essay.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For
example, the phrase "sky buildings" is unclear and could be better expressed as
"skyscrapers." Additionally, the term "the loss of biodiversity" is used correctly, but the
context could be clearer if the writer specified the types of species affected.

How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used
accurately conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising phrases that
may confuse the reader. For instance, replacing "sky buildings" with "skyscrapers" would
clarify the meaning. Furthermore, providing specific examples when discussing biodiversity
loss would enhance clarity and precision.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "residents’
health,especially" (missing space after the comma) and "this issue can reduced" (missing
"be"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to
misunderstandings.

How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay
carefully, focusing on common spelling errors and ensuring proper punctuation and spacing.
Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help identify mistakes. Additionally,
practicing spelling through writing exercises or vocabulary quizzes can reinforce correct
spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of lexical resource, there
are clear areas for improvement, particularly in expanding vocabulary range, enhancing
precision, and ensuring correct spelling. By addressing these aspects, the writer can achieve
a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures.

For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "due to the industrial
advancement, there are more and more factories and sky buildings erected." However, the
essay predominantly relies on simple and compound sentences, which limits the overall
variety. Additionally, some sentences are lengthy and could be broken down for clarity, such
as "this issue can reduced by carrying out previous measures," which lacks clarity and
grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more
complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting
multiple sentences with "there are" or "this issue," the writer could use introductory clauses
or phrases, such as "As a result of industrial advancement, the proliferation of factories has
led to..." This would not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the flow of
ideas.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation
issues that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "which requires a large amount of
space,thus leading to a large scale of deforestation" lacks proper spacing after the comma.
Additionally, the sentence "the environment is indeed being put at risk because of
humankind’s interventions ,yet this issue can reduced by carrying out previous measures"
contains a missing verb form ("can be reduced") and an unnecessary space before the
comma. Furthermore, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, such as
"Forests provides" instead of "Forests provide."

How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading
for common errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and verb forms. It would be
beneficial to practice identifying and correcting run-on sentences and comma splices.
Additionally, the use of punctuation should be reviewed, particularly the correct placement of
commas and spaces. Engaging in exercises that focus on these areas can help solidify
understanding and application of grammatical rules.

In summary, while the essay presents relevant ideas and a clear structure, enhancing the
variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation will
significantly elevate the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and revision can lead
to marked improvements in these areas.
Bài chữa tham khảo
It is a common belief that the ecosystem is being negatively influenced by human activities.
This essay will point out some of the ways people harm the environment and suggest viable
methods and actions that must be taken and implemented by both governments and
individuals to reduce the risk of environmental issues.

There are two obvious activities causing this phenomenon that are commonly seen in
society. First of all, owing to industrial advancements, there are more and more factories and
skyscrapers erected to satisfy the significant demands of citizens, which requires a large
amount of space, thus leading to large-scale deforestation. Forests provide residents with
oxygen as well as shelter for a variety of animals. Therefore, if this issue continues, it will
have a devastating impact on residents’ health, especially respiratory diseases, as they
cannot obtain sufficient fresh air, which can lead to the loss of biodiversity. Secondly, in
order to maximize profits, companies illegally release pollutants into aquatic ecosystems that
can result in the extinction of marine creatures.

Despite these challenges, to reduce the risk of environmental issues, governments need to
impose heavy taxes as well as stiff penalties to prevent wrongdoing by factories. Moreover,
by investing in environmental protection campaigns and afforestation, we could raise
individuals’ awareness and contribute to maintaining balance in the ecosystem
simultaneously.

In conclusion, the environment is indeed being put at risk because of humankind’s

interventions, yet this issue can be reduced by carrying out the aforementioned measures. If
individuals make an effort to preserve our planet, it will become a more livable environment.