#teamthayquang

CHẤM BÀI BY #TEAMTHAYQUANG

[ENVIRONMENT] Explain some of the ways in which humans are damaging the
environment. What can governments do to address these problems? What can
individual people do?

There are various ways that the environment is endangered by humans. This essay will
explain how humans destroy nature by deforestation and over - exploiting earth resources,
then offer some solutions for the government and individuals to tackle these obstacles.

Deforestation and over-exploiting natural resources are the main troubles to the
environment. It is true that trees and forests are indispensable for the survival of all species
as they provide oxygen and habitats for animals. When they are devastated, all spices are at
risk of extinction since there is no oxygen and living environments. On top of that, natural
resources are also limited. If people are over-exploiting them, they will run out soon and
there will be no resources left. When this happens, human and other spices are at risk of
extinction.

However these problems can be solved by imposing harsh punishment and educating
children to raise self-awareness of protecting the natural environment. It is recommended
that the administration should punish strictly any illegal deforestation and exploitation. From
that, deforestation and overexploitation are minimized as people who engage them face a
challenged deterrent. In addition, teaching students about the importance of natural
resources is always a practical solution to avoid deforestation and over-exploiting materials.
This is because students can understand why they need to protect these resources after
being taught that without these resources, humans cannot survive. As a result, the harmful
behaviors to nature can be prevented.

In conclusion, deforestation and over-exploiting natural resources are the reasons for
environmental destruction. However, the punishment for these behaviors and educating
students to understand why they need to protect nature.

Nâng cấp lập luận

● Introduction: There are various ways that the environment is endangered by
humans. This essay will explain how humans destroy nature by deforestation and
over - exploiting earth resources, then offer some solutions for the government and
individuals to tackle these obstacles.

○ Feedback for Introduction:

■ Clear Answer: The introduction effectively sets the stage by

acknowledging the various ways humans harm the environment,
specifically mentioning deforestation and over-exploiting natural
resources. It also hints at the solutions that will be discussed, which is
a good start. However, it could be more specific about the solutions
that will be explored, as this would provide a clearer roadmap for the
reader.

■ Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it

addresses the impact of human activities on the environment and
mentions the need for solutions. However, it could be more directly
relevant by explicitly stating that the essay will discuss both
government and individual actions to address these issues.
#teamthayquang
■ Brief Overview: The introduction lacks a brief overview of the main
points that will be discussed. Including a sentence that outlines the
specific solutions that will be explored, such as harsh punishments for
deforestation and education for children, would provide a clearer
structure and guide the reader through the essay's content.

○ Improved Introduction: The environment faces significant threats from

human activities, particularly deforestation and over-exploitation of natural
resources. This essay will delve into the detrimental effects of these practices
and propose solutions for both government and individual actions to mitigate
these environmental challenges. By exploring the consequences of
deforestation and resource depletion, we will discuss the need for stricter
regulations and educational initiatives to promote environmental awareness
and responsibility.

● Main Point 1: Deforestation and over-exploiting natural resources are the main
troubles to the environment. It is true that trees and forests are indispensable for the
survival of all species as they provide oxygen and habitats for animals. When they
are devastated, all spices are at risk of extinction since there is no oxygen and living
environments. On top of that, natural resources are also limited. If people are over-
exploiting them, they will run out soon and there will be no resources left. When this
happens, human and other spices are at risk of extinction.

○ Feedback for Main Point 1:

■ Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively highlights the critical

role of forests and natural resources in sustaining life on Earth. It
logically connects the destruction of these resources to the risk of
extinction for both humans and other species. However, the argument
could be strengthened by more explicitly linking these consequences
to specific environmental impacts, such as climate change or
biodiversity loss.

■ Overgeneralizations: The statement that all species are at risk of

extinction due to deforestation and over-exploitation of resources is
somewhat overgeneralized. While it's true that these practices can
have severe consequences, the impact varies depending on the
specific species and the extent of the damage.

■ Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The supporting

ideas are relevant and effectively illustrate the main point. However,
the argument could be enhanced by providing more specific examples
of how deforestation and over-exploitation have led to specific
environmental crises, such as habitat destruction or resource
depletion.

■ Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "all spices are

at risk of extinction" is ambiguous and could be clarified. It's likely that
the intended phrase is "all species are at risk of extinction."

■ Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that the

depletion of natural resources will inevitably lead to extinction without
considering potential conservation efforts or the resilience of some
species. It would be beneficial to acknowledge these factors to provide
a more balanced view.
#teamthayquang
■ Overly Assertive Language: The language used is somewhat
assertive, which could be softened to acknowledge the complexity of
environmental issues. Phrases like "can lead to" or "may result in"
would provide a more nuanced perspective.

○ Overall Evaluation: Extended and Supported but Over-Generalized

○ Suggestions for Improvement:

■ Detail Specific Environmental Impacts: Expand on the specific

environmental impacts of deforestation and over-exploitation, such as
the loss of biodiversity, climate change, and the disruption of
ecosystems.

■ Introduce Conservation Efforts: Discuss potential conservation

strategies that could mitigate the effects of these practices, such as
sustainable forestry practices or the protection of critical habitats.

■ Clarify and Correct Expressions: Correct the ambiguous expression

"all spices are at risk of extinction" to "all species are at risk of
extinction."

■ Balance the Argument: Include a discussion on the resilience of

some species and the potential for conservation efforts to mitigate the
impact of environmental degradation. This would provide a more
comprehensive and balanced view of the issue.

○ Improved Main Point 1: Deforestation and the over-exploitation of natural

resources pose significant threats to the environment, as forests and these
resources are crucial for the survival of all species. Trees and forests provide
oxygen and habitats for animals, while natural resources are limited and
essential for human and other species' survival. If these resources are
depleted, the consequences could be catastrophic, including the risk of
extinction for both humans and other species. Therefore, it is imperative to
address these issues through measures such as imposing harsh penalties for
illegal deforestation and educating children about the importance of
preserving the environment. This approach can help prevent further
environmental degradation and ensure the long-term sustainability of our
planet.

● Main Point 2: However these problems can be solved by imposing harsh

punishment and educating children to raise self-awareness of protecting the natural
environment. It is recommended that the administration should punish strictly any
illegal deforestation and exploitation. From that, deforestation and overexploitation
are minimized as people who engage them face a challenged deterrent. In addition,
teaching students about the importance of natural resources is always a practical
solution to avoid deforestation and over-exploiting materials. This is because
students can understand why they need to protect these resources after being taught
that without these resources, humans cannot survive. As a result, the harmful
behaviors to nature can be prevented.

○ Feedback for Main Point 2:

■ Argumentative Logic: The argument that harsh punishment and

education can effectively deter deforestation and over-exploitation is
logically sound. It suggests a direct link between punishment and
deterrence, which is a common approach in environmental policy.
#teamthayquang
However, the argument could be strengthened by discussing how
these measures would be implemented and enforced effectively.

■ Overgeneralizations: The statement that education alone can

prevent harmful behaviors to nature might be an overgeneralization.
While education is crucial, it may not be sufficient without
complementary measures like economic incentives or community
engagement.

■ Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The idea of

punishing illegal deforestation and educating children is relevant and
supports the main argument. However, the effectiveness of these
measures could be enhanced by discussing specific examples of
successful implementations or by acknowledging potential challenges
in enforcing such policies.

■ Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "challenged

deterrent" is somewhat vague and could be clarified. It would be more
precise to specify what kind of deterrent is being referred to, such as
fines or imprisonment.

■ Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that

punishment and education will be effective without considering the
broader social and economic contexts that might influence these
behaviors. It overlooks the need for a comprehensive approach that
includes economic incentives and community involvement.

■ Overly Assertive Language: The language used is somewhat

assertive, which could be softened to acknowledge the complexity of
environmental issues and the need for a multifaceted approach.
Phrases like "can help to" or "may contribute to" would provide a more
balanced perspective.

○ Overall Evaluation: Extended and Supported but Over-Generalized

○ Suggestions for Improvement:

■ Detail Implementation and Enforcement: Expand on how harsh

punishment and education would be implemented and enforced.
Discuss potential challenges and how they could be overcome.

■ Introduce Complementary Measures: Suggest additional measures

that could complement punishment and education, such as economic
incentives or community-based initiatives, to provide a more
comprehensive approach.

■ Clarify and Specify Terms: Use clearer language to describe the

deterrents and the educational programs. For example, specify what
types of punishment and educational content would be most effective.

■ Balance the Argument: Acknowledge the limitations of punishment

and education alone and discuss the need for a broader strategy that
includes economic and social factors to effectively address
environmental issues.

○ Improved Main Point 2: To effectively address the environmental issues of

deforestation and over-exploitation, it is crucial to implement harsh penalties
#teamthayquang
for illegal activities and to educate children about the importance of
preserving natural resources. This approach can significantly deter individuals
from engaging in such harmful practices, as they face a clear and immediate
consequence. Additionally, educating students about the vital role of natural
resources in sustaining human life can foster a sense of responsibility and
encourage them to protect these resources. This educational strategy is a
practical solution that can help prevent further environmental degradation by
raising awareness among future generations about the consequences of
neglecting the environment.

● Conclusion: In conclusion, deforestation and over-exploiting natural resources are

the reasons for environmental destruction. However, the punishment for these
behaviors and educating students to understand why they need to protect nature.

○ Feedback for Conclusion:

■ Clear Answer: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points

discussed in the essay, highlighting the causes of environmental
destruction (deforestation and over-exploitation) and the proposed
solutions (punishment and education). It provides a concise recap of
the key arguments presented, which is essential for a strong IELTS
conclusion.

■ Relevance: The conclusion is relevant to the essay question as it

directly addresses the environmental issues and the proposed
solutions. However, it could be improved by explicitly stating what the
government and individuals can do to address these problems, as the
question specifically asks for their roles. This would make the
conclusion more comprehensive and directly responsive to the
prompt.

○ Improved Conclusion: In conclusion, deforestation and over-exploitation of

natural resources are significant threats to the environment. To address these
issues, governments should impose strict penalties for illegal activities and
educate children about the importance of protecting nature. Individuals can
also play a crucial role by adopting sustainable practices and supporting
environmental initiatives. Together, these efforts can help mitigate the
environmental damage caused by human activities.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 7

● Answer All Parts of the Question:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies two significant ways in

which humans damage the environment: deforestation and over-exploitation
of natural resources. It also addresses the solutions that both governments
and individuals can implement. However, the response could be more
comprehensive. For instance, while it mentions government punishment and
education as solutions, it does not explore other potential measures such as
policy changes, incentives for sustainable practices, or community
engagement initiatives. Additionally, the mention of individual actions is
somewhat vague and lacks specific examples.
#teamthayquang
○ How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly
outline a broader range of environmental issues and solutions. Including more
specific actions that individuals can take, such as reducing waste, recycling,
or using public transportation, would provide a more rounded answer to the
prompt.

● Present a Clear Position Throughout:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the

detrimental effects of human activities on the environment and the necessity
for action. However, the position could be articulated more strongly
throughout the essay. For example, the transition from discussing problems to
solutions is somewhat abrupt, and the conclusion does not reinforce the
urgency of the issues presented.

○ How to improve: To maintain a clearer and more consistent position, the

writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the
argument. Additionally, reiterating the importance of addressing
environmental issues in the conclusion would strengthen the overall stance.

● Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

○ Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant and
logically organized, particularly the identification of deforestation and resource
over-exploitation. However, the support for these ideas is limited. For
example, while the essay states that deforestation leads to extinction, it does
not provide specific examples or data to substantiate this claim. The solutions
offered are also somewhat general and lack detailed explanations of how they
would be effective.

○ How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should

include specific examples, statistics, or case studies that illustrate the impact
of deforestation and resource depletion. Additionally, elaborating on how
proposed solutions can be implemented and their potential effectiveness
would provide stronger support for the arguments.

● Stay on Topic:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the

ways humans damage the environment and potential solutions. However,
there are moments where the language becomes unclear, such as the phrase
"spices are at risk of extinction," which should be "species." Such errors can
distract from the main argument and lead to confusion.

○ How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should proofread
the essay for grammatical and lexical accuracy. Ensuring that terminology is
used correctly will help keep the writing on topic and enhance overall
coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents
relevant ideas, there are areas for improvement in depth, clarity, and specificity. Addressing
these aspects will help elevate the essay's effectiveness and potentially improve the overall
band score.
#teamthayquang
Coherence & Cohesion
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

● Organize Information Logically:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an

introduction, body paragraphs addressing the problems, and a conclusion.
The introduction effectively outlines the main points to be discussed, which
helps the reader anticipate the content. However, the body paragraphs could
benefit from a more explicit connection between the problems and solutions.
For instance, the transition from discussing deforestation to solutions is
somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear logical progression.

○ How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases

that explicitly link ideas. For example, after discussing the problems, a
sentence like "To combat these pressing issues, several measures can be
implemented" can serve as a bridge to the solutions section. Additionally,
ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to
the thesis can help maintain coherence.

● Use Paragraphs:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each

paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the second
body paragraph could be divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing
on government actions and the other on individual actions. This would allow
for a more thorough exploration of each solution and improve the overall
clarity of the argument.

○ How to improve: Consider structuring the essay into clearer sections. For
example, after discussing the environmental issues, create a new paragraph
for each proposed solution. This not only improves readability but also allows
for a more detailed discussion of each point. Each paragraph should begin
with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of that section.

● Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as

"however" and "on top of that," which help connect ideas. However, the range
of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the
connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the use
of "this is because" is effective, but more varied linking words and phrases
could enhance the overall cohesion.

○ How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a

wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition,"
"consequently," and "for instance." Additionally, consider using pronouns and
synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help create
a smoother flow between sentences. For instance, instead of repeating
"deforestation," you could use "this practice" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and
cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.
#teamthayquang
Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

● Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of

vocabulary, with terms such as "deforestation," "over-exploiting,"
"indispensable," and "habitats." However, the vocabulary is somewhat
repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "over-exploiting natural
resources" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative
expressions, which limits the lexical diversity. Additionally, words like
"devastated" and "obstacles" could be replaced with more varied synonyms to
enhance the richness of the vocabulary.

○ How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate

synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "over-
exploiting," they could use "overutilizing," "depleting," or "misusing."
Furthermore, expanding the vocabulary related to environmental issues (e.g.,
"biodiversity," "sustainability," "conservation") would enhance the essay's
depth.

● Use Vocabulary Precisely:

○ Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary relevant to

the topic, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion.
For example, the term "spices" is incorrectly used instead of "species" when
referring to different types of living organisms. This misstep not only affects
clarity but also undermines the overall professionalism of the writing.
Additionally, phrases like "harsh punishment" could be more precisely
articulated as "strict penalties" or "severe consequences."

○ How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully proofread

their work to catch errors like the misuse of "spices." Utilizing a thesaurus can
help find more accurate terms. Furthermore, the writer should focus on
context when selecting vocabulary, ensuring that the chosen words convey
the intended meaning clearly.

● Use Correct Spelling:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as

"spices" instead of "species" and "administration" instead of "government" in
the context of the solutions proposed. These errors detract from the overall
quality of the writing and may confuse the reader. Additionally, the phrase
"over - exploiting" includes unnecessary spaces, which is a typographical
error.

○ How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in

regular spelling practice and utilize spell-check tools during the writing
process. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing
and spelling mistakes. Furthermore, creating a list of commonly misspelled
words related to the topic can aid in memorization and correct usage in future
essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource,

there are clear areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy.
#teamthayquang
By addressing these issues, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and
potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

● Use a Wide Range of Structures:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of

sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences.
For instance, the use of complex sentences like "When they are devastated,
all spices are at risk of extinction since there is no oxygen and living
environments" shows an attempt to convey more complex ideas. However,
there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way sentences
are initiated (e.g., "It is true that...", "However..."). This can make the writing
feel somewhat monotonous.

○ How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer

could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different
grammatical forms. For example, instead of starting with "It is true that...", the
writer could use a more engaging opening such as "One undeniable fact is
that..." or "A significant concern is that...". Additionally, varying the use of
passive and active voice can add depth to the writing.

● Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

○ Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and

punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the
phrase "over - exploiting earth resources" should be corrected to "over-
exploiting earth resources" without the spaces around the hyphen. The term
"spices" is incorrectly used instead of "species," which is a critical error in
context. Furthermore, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "face
a challenged deterrent," which could be more clearly expressed as "face a
significant deterrent." The essay also lacks appropriate punctuation in some
areas, such as missing commas after introductory phrases.

○ How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus

on proofreading for common errors, particularly in word choice (e.g., "species"
instead of "spices") and punctuation. It may be beneficial to review the rules
of punctuation, especially regarding the use of commas in complex
sentences. Additionally, practicing sentence restructuring could help clarify
meaning and enhance overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents
relevant ideas, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical
accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa tham khảo

There are various ways that the environment is threatened by humans. This essay will
explain how humans destroy nature through deforestation and overexploiting Earth's
resources, then offer some solutions for the government and individuals to tackle these
obstacles.
#teamthayquang
Deforestation and overexploiting natural resources are the primary threats to the
environment. It is true that trees and forests are indispensable for the survival of all species
as they provide oxygen and habitats for animals. When they are devastated, all species are
at risk of extinction since there is a lack of oxygen and suitable habitats. On top of that,
natural resources are also limited. If people continue overexploiting them, they will soon be
depleted, and there will be no resources left. When this happens, humans and other species
are at risk of extinction.

However, these problems can be solved by imposing severe penalties and educating
children to raise awareness about protecting the natural environment. It is recommended
that the government should strictly punish any illegal deforestation and exploitation. As a
result, deforestation and overexploitation can be minimized, as people who engage in these
activities face a deterrent challenge. In addition, educating students about the significance of
natural resources is a consistently practical solution to avoid deforestation and overexploiting
materials. This is because students can understand why they need to protect these
resources after being taught that without them, humans cannot survive. As a result, harmful
behaviors towards nature can be prevented.

In conclusion, deforestation and overexploiting natural resources are the reasons for
environmental destruction. However, imposing punishment for these behaviors and
educating students about the necessity of protecting these resources can help address
these issues.
#teamthayquang
#teamthayquang