i

Acknowledgments
The commitment and effort of many people made this book possible. The team of POPCOM staff who researched, worked, and wrote on the various aspects of parenting: Jackylin D. Robel, Mylene Mirasol C. Quiray, Zenaida M. Opiniano, Gloria I. Mendoza, Raymunda P. Espea, Lydio M. Espaol Jr., Sylvia T. de Jesus, Eleanor M. Cura, Maritess U. Cipriano, Erlina H. Castillo, Virginia B. Candor, Karina M. Biteng, Aris D. Baluyos, and Susan B. Codotco who did additional editing and Benjamin Espartero for the photos. Our thanks to GTZ Health Program for the additional photos. Throughout the development of the book, Mr. Tomas M. Osias, Ms. Mia C. Ventura, and Ms. Victoria D. Corpuz provided invaluable guidance and assistance. The books on parenting by the late Atty. Ramon A. Tagle Jr. and his wife, Ms Erlinda de Ungria-Tagle, the Pre-Marriage Counseling Handbook and the Sexually Healthy and Personally Effective (SHAPE) Training Module of POPCOM, the Effective Parenting Manual of the Department of Social Welfare and Development, and the various NFP materials of the Department of Health provided the foundation of this book. So are the works of various writers who wrote on this most difficult and yet most rewarding job parenting. Their publications are listed at the back of this book. We express our special thanks to the Institute for Reproductive Health (IRH) and Ms. Mitos Rivera for the use of the concepts and illustrations on fertility awareness /joint fertility. Our acknowledgement also goes to the POPCOM Regional Offices and regional partners and the various national and regional stakeholders whose comments and suggestions have greatly enhanced the content of the book. This book was made possible through the support provided by the Department of Health.

ii

Table of Contents
Acknowledgments ................................................................................. Message................................................................................................... Foreword ................................................................................................ Introduction ............................................................................................. Chapter I. Responsible Parenting Definitions and Concepts ..................................................................... Essence and meaning of children ....................................................... Duties and responsibilities of parents ................................................. Rights of children ................................................................................. What is parenting ................................................................................. Family formation ................................................................................. Family health ....................................................................................... Parenting the pre-teen ........................................................................ Parenting the teenager ........................................................................ Chapter II. Family Relationship Making marriage work........................................................................... Husband-Wife Relationship .................................................................. Parent-child relationship ..................................................................... Relationship with relatives and in-laws ................................................ ii v vii ix

1 2 3 5 7 8 9 17 19

29 29 32 34

Chapter III. Home Management and Budgeting Activities management ........................................................................ 37 Financial management ........................................................................ 39 Maintaining the home ........................................................................... 42 Chapter IV. Fertility Awareness and Natural Family Planning Fertility Awareness .............................................................................. 49 Natural Family Planning Methods ......................................................... 52 References ............................................................................................. 62
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Message

The publication of the Responsible Parenting Handbook comes at an opportune time in the implementation of the Responsible Parenthood Program, which emphasizes birth spacing, breastfeeding, and Natural Family Planning. It is meant to serve as guide for our health workers, especially those at the barangay level, in working with and counseling todays parents, parents-to-be, and the youth who may soon be parents themselves in the future. This Handbook presents the essence of family relationship as well as basic concepts of Responsible Parenting as practiced by both husband and wife in their relationship with their children, especially the teens. Parenting the adolescent children requires extra skills by the parents themselves as todays youth have been wanting empowerment activity-wise and in their decision-making. We hope that with this Handbook we will be able to strengthen family relationship in an environment of love and affection, mutual respect and understanding, ardent with desire and inspiration to become better citizens not only for the community but as well as for the entire society.

SEC. FRANCISCO T. DUQUE III, M. D., MSc. Department of Health and Chair, POPCOM Board of Commissioners

vi

reword Foreword

The launching of the Responsible Parenting Movement last year coincided with the 35th anniversary celebration of the Commission on Population which was centered on the theme Ika-35 taong paglilingkod sa bayan tungo sa matatag na pamilyang Pilipino. The theme illustrated our vision in the implementation of the population program happy, healthy, empowered, and productive Filipino families. It sums up the advocacy of individuals and organizations that comprise the population community. We must also build communities that are friendly, supportive, and caring for the welfare of every member of this family. To achieve this vision, we should open our lines of communication and start connecting with each other. The family, as the basic unit of society, should be provided with timely and appropriate programs responsive to their needs. We hope this book will provide parents and advocates of responsible parenting a ready reference which they can refer to when confronted with questions about parenting and building a home.

TOMAS M. OSIAS Executive Director Commission on Population

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viii

Introduction

his book is designed as a handy reference for Filipino parents on the various aspects of parenting and married life. It is about responsible parenting and the tasks involved in caring for and nurturing ones family.

As a government policy, responsible parenting is anchored on several provisions of the 1987 Constitution, particularly Article XV Section 3.1 and Article II Sections 9, 12, 14, 15, and 16. These constitutional provisions give couples the responsibility to decide on their family size in accordance with their religious beliefs and the demands of responsible parenting. Chapter I of the book explains the meanings of parenthood, parenting, and responsible parenting as used by the Responsible Parenthood Program of the government. It discusses the core elements of responsible parenthood parenting and its concepts, the essence and meaning of children as well as their rights, family formation, family health, and parent-child relationship. Chapter II deals with family relationship. It underlines the parents task in dealing with their pre-teen and teenage children, making their marriage work, and the value of open communication within, including the extended family. Chapter III talks about harmonious husband-wife relationship and effective home management, which includes activity management, budgeting, and caring for the environment. It provides practical suggestions on maintaining a safe, happy home. Chapter IV discusses fertility awareness and natural family planning. It describes briefly male and female fertility and the result thereof when the two are combined. It also underlines the advantages of natural family planning. It shows several types of natural family planning methods the couple may choose in planning the number of their children and when to have them. In general, this book is envisioned to be an easy reference for parents and government workers tasked with implementing the responsible parenthood program of the government.
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Parenting Responsible Parenting

CHAPTER

eing a parent carries with it great responsibility. It is a role that cannot be played on the basis of chance. Raising a family builds up the character of the parents and fulfills their need to have children and develop their love for them and to share and plan life together. Parenting involves skills, responsibilities, and experiences in attending to and providing for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of children. It also involves the inculcation of values and discipline. It is important for todays parents, parents-to-be, and the youth who may soon become parents themselves to accept the ideals of responsible parenting as it helps build a better family and a stronger community. Clear concepts on responsible parenting, duties and responsibilities of parents, the essence and meaning of children, and rights and duties of children are important facets of married life that have to be recognized and accepted before we can have happy, healthy, prosperous, and empowered Filipino families. Parenting the pre-teen and teenager should also be given appropriate attention considering that adolescents have special and unique needs.

DEFINITIONS AND CONCEPTS

Responsible Parenthood, as a government program, is based on several social and economic development and cultural and religious views. It is an outcome responsible parents attain after gaining experiences and skills in rearing and bringing up their children with love and care. The various definitions of responsible parenthood and the family are: Responsible parenthood refers to the will and ability of parents to respond to the needs and aspirations of the family and children. It is a shared responsibility between husband and wife to determine and achieve the desired number, spacing and timing of their children according to their own family life aspirations, taking into account psychological preparedness, health status, socio-cultural, and economic concerns (PPMP DP 20052010, POPCOM). It is the primary right and responsibility of parents to get actively involved in the promotion of their childrens well being through the provision of adequate care, attention and affection (Training Manual on PMC, DOH 1996). Responsible Parenting Handbook 1

In relation to the biological process: responsible parenthood means the knowledge and respect of their functions (Humanae Vitae. #10) In relation to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised either by the deliberate and generous decision to raise a numerous family or by the decision made for grave motives and with due respect for the moral law, to avoid for the time being, or even for an indeterminate period, a new birth. (Humanae Vitae. # 10) The family is the core social unit. It is an institution that regulates sexuality and procreation to ensure the continuity of the community. It is primarily responsible for giving its members religious instructions and molding their character.

The state policy on the family is mentioned in Article II, Section 12 of the 1987 Constitution: The State recognizes the sanctity of family life and shall protect and strengthen the family as a basic autonomous social institution. It shall equally protect the life of the mother and the life of the unborn from conception. The natural and primary right and duty of parents in the rearing of the youth for civic efficiency and the development of moral character shall receive the support of the Government. The family is also defined in Chapter I, Article 149 of the 1993 Family Code of the Philippines as the foundation of the nation. It is a basic social institution that public policy cherishes and protects. Thus, family relations are governed by law and no customs, practice, or agreement destructive of the family shall be recognized or given effect. In Article 150, family relations include those between husband and wife, between parents and children; among ascendants and descendants, and among brothers and sisters whether of the full- or half-blood. Responsible parenting is a series of decisions parents make to ensure the best possible life for themselves, for their children, and for the communities they belong to. More than just the decisions, responsible parenting is a commitment to ensure the well-being of the family and to enable each to fully develop ones capabilities and potentials. Responsible parenting includes the process of deciding how many children to have and when to have the first child. Thus, one of its important aspects is fertility awareness of the couple and the methods by which they can achieve their planned family size. These are discussed in Chapter IV of this book.

ESSENCE AND MEANING OF CHILDREN

Pregnancy and childbirth are the most crucial and most anticipated occasions among Filipino families. The anxieties and discomforts brought about by these life-cycle stages are offset by the jubilation of the family over the coming of a new member.

2 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Filipinos anticipate children as the natural outcome of marriage. People always ask, Why get married if you dont expect to have children? Filipino parents cherish their children for various reasons and attach a number of meanings to them, namely: Economic: Children are viewed invariably as investments, security for old age, help in the farm or in the house, to take care of their younger siblings, or help parents earn a living. Socio-cultural: This includes sex preference among parents who keep on having children until they have either a boy or a girl. The male child is often preferred to keep the family name alive or to carry their surnames in the family tree. Female child preference is intended to provide or lend a helping hand in taking care of the younger siblings and in doing the household chores. There are also instances when the father or the mother would want to replicate the family size they were brought up with. Another view of parents is that having more children equates to greater wealth, being endowed with priceless treasures in life. Emotional: A number of couples considers having children as the means to strengthen the bond between the husband and wife and to strengthen the family, as well. Children provide socio-emotional benefits such as companionship, love and happiness, play and fun, and distraction from worries. Children are a source of joy and happiness. Spiritual: Children are looked upon as gifts and blessings from God. They are to be treasured and must be cared for with special care.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES OF PARENTS

As provided for in the Child and Youth Welfare Code and Family Code, parents have enormous duties and responsibilities towards their children. A thorough knowledge of their duties and responsibilities will allow parents to determine what they can do and to what extent they can improve upon in parenting their children. These are summarized below: 1. Provision of Physical Care and Love The physical, emotional, and mental health of children depends on the quality of parental care they get as they grow. This duty and responsibility starts during the prenatal stage. Keeping them warm and healthy, hugging and cuddling them, playing and helping them learn are all important for growing children.

Responsible Parenting Handbook 3

2.

Inculcating Discipline Children should be trained to think and reason out for themselves and be able to distinguish between right and wrong. They should learn to accept limitations, value freedom with responsibility, and understand the requirements of living happily and peacefully with other people. This training may start as early as the first year.

3.

Developing Social Competence Socially competent children are described as friendly, happy, self-confident, responsible, imaginative, alert, and energetic. They enjoy work, have good communication skills, and are good sport. Social competence can only be achieved if children have high self-esteem. This is developed by allowing them to do things on their own, think for themselves, and make decisions in accordance with their level of development. Self-confidence is an important component of social competence. This is developed by praising children for their efforts and congratulating them for their successes. If they fail, encourage them to try again.

4.

Education Parents are the childrens first teachers and the home, their first school. Suitable learning experiences must be provided in the home to hasten their mental development as early as infancy. Parents are also duty-bound to discover and help develop their childrens innate talents and abilities to the fullest extent possible. Every child has the right to education. Parents are required to send and provide for their childrens schooling.

5.

Citizenship Training It is necessary to teach children a sense of nationhood and develop their commitment to their country. They are to be taught the value of order, cooperation, tolerance, sportsmanship, self-discipline, and self-reliance in the home and play experiences aside from those learned in school. Citizenship training is important for children to acquire a perspective larger than the family. It is important to inculcate a sense of nationhood and national purpose in the young. Pride in our own culture, appreciation, promotion, and protection of the beauty and bounty of our country, determination to advance the collective interests of our own people, and involvement in national development efforts are virtues every self-respecting Filipino must possess.

4 Responsible Parenting Handbook

6.

Teaching the Wise Use of Money Children should be taught the value of money, thrift, and self-reliance. When they start schooling, they may be given a reasonable allowance which they, themselves, budget. They may also be provided the opportunity to buy things which they choose for themselves such as school materials and supplies. As much as possible, they should be made conscious of their share in the familys budget.

7.

Financial Aspect of Responsibility Aside from education, parents have the responsibility of providing their children with other minimum basic needs such as a happy home and family environment; clothing that is appropriate for every occasion; nutritious food that are not necessarily expensive; and health care. Parents should earn enough even if this would mean putting in more hours of work.

8.

Spiritual Formation Parents are also responsible for the spiritual formation of their children, bringing them closer to the Almighty through family devotion, involvement in church activities, and family prayer.

RIGHTS OF CHILDREN
Under the Family Code and Child and Youth Welfare Code, parents must respect and recognize the rights of children. All children are entitled to rights without distinction as to legitimacy, sex, social status, religion, political background of parents, and other factors. The following are the rights of children. 1. Children have the right to be born well once they are conceived. Children are endowed with the dignity and worth of a human being from the moment of their conception, and therefore, the right to be born well. 2. Children have the right to a wholesome family life. Children have the right to a wholesome Responsible Parenting Handbook 5

family life that will provide them with love, care and understanding, guidance and counseling, moral and material security. 3. Children have the right to develop into a happy, useful, and active member of society. Children have the right to a well rounded development of their personality to the end that they may become a happy, useful, and active member of society. Gifted children shall have the right to develop their special talents. Children with emotional problems or who have difficulty in getting along with others shall have the right to treatment and competent care. Children with physical and mental handicap shall have the right to the treatment, education, and care they need. 4. Children have the right to a healthy and vigorous life. Children have the right to a balanced diet, adequate clothing, sufficient shelter, proper medical attention, and all the basic physical requirements of a healthy and vigorous life. 5. Children have the right to enrich and strengthen their character through a moral and upright life. Children have the right to be brought up in an atmosphere of morality and rectitude for the enrichment and the strengthening of their character. 6. Children have the right to education and skills development. Children have the right to an education commensurate with their abilities and to the development of their skills for the improvement of their capacity for service to themselves and to their fellowmen. 7. Children have the right to safe and wholesome recreation and activities. Children have the right to full opportunities to safe and wholesome recreation and activities, individual as well as social, for the wholesome use of their leisure hours. 8. Children have the right to be protected from anything that will affect negatively his development and growth. Children have the right to protection against exploitation, improper influences, hazards and other conditions or circumstances prejudicial to their physical, mental, emotional, social, and moral development. 9. Children have right to live in an environment that will affect positively their growth and development. Children have the right to live in a community and society that can offer them an environment free from harmful elements and conducive to the promotion of their health and the cultivation of their desirable traits and attributes. 10. Children have the right to the care, assistance, and protection of the State, particularly when their parents or guardians fail or are unable to provide them with their fundamental needs for growth, development and improvement. 11. Children have the right to an efficient and honest government. Children have the right to an efficient and honest government that will deepen their faith in democracy and inspire them with the morality of the constituted authorities both in their public and private lives. 12. Children have the right to grow up as a free and responsible individual. Children have the right to grow up as free individuals in an atmosphere of peace, understanding, tolerance, 6 Responsible Parenting Handbook

and universal brotherhood and with the determination to contribute their share in the building of a better world. Children are the future parents and leaders of society. Respecting their rights and providing them with the proper care and guidance will enable them to grow and develop as responsible adults.

WHAT IS PARENTING
Parenting is the rearing of a child, especially the care, love, and guidance given by the parents. It is the process of raising and educating a child from birth until adulthood. This is usually done in the childs home by the mother and father and other people who are directly influencing or caring for the child such as close relatives. It means personally attending to the childrens physical, emotional, and spiritual needs; providing love, care, and protection; being by the childrens side during the growing up years until such time that the children themselves are ready for adult roles. Responsible Parenting may also be defined as the ability of the parents to raise their children and to satisfy the social and religious responsibilities of the family. There are three important aspects of parenting: Physical care (providing shelter, education, medical care, physical safety, and nourishment) Social development and emotional support (love, play, and physical touch, social skills, etiquette, ethics and value systems, moral and spiritual development, norms and contributions to the childs faith, and ethnic customs) Financial support (money, payments for education, and others) When a couple considers becoming parents, they have to think about several points. One is the happiness and stability of their marriage. Another factor is their physical and emotional readiness for parenting which implies tremendous responsibility. They have to be physically and emotionally healthy so that they can give the best care they can for the family and for their children. Another important consideration is the financial preparedness of the couple. Money matters are often the source of stress among couples and in the family. Couples should be conscious that parenting is a lifetime vocation. They are responsible for the physical, moral, and emotional upbringing of human beings whom they chose to bring into this world. It is not exaggeration to say that most parents love their children above themselves. But for this love to be fruitful, it has to be channeled correctly and be enlightened by a concrete understanding of the developmental needs of the young. Responsible Parenting Handbook 7

FAMILY FORMATION
Definition of a Family
The family is the oldest and most universal institution most societies cherished. The state protects it because it is the basic unit of society. It is formed by the marriage of a man and woman, usually resulting later in the birth of one or more children. Membership in a family is acquired by blood, marriage, or adoption. The family is the childs source of security, belongingness, and emotional and economic growth. The family is the childs immediate environment and serves as the foundation for their physical, social, mental, emotional, and moral well-being.

FAMILY HEALTH
Health is wealth, especially when all the members of the family and the community enjoy its benefit. There is no greater wealth than a persons health. Good health leads to a longer, fuller, and more fruitful life.

Physical
The best way to stay physically healthy is proper personal hygiene, avoidance of vices, regular exercise, enough rest and sleep, and proper nutrition. Tips for proper hygiene: Take a bath daily. Bathing removes dirt, dried sweat, and dead cells from the skin. Wash hands regularly, especially before and after eating and after using the toilet. Germs can easily cling to the skin and nails and can get to the food which we eat. Keep your fingernails and toenails clean and trimmed. Nails easily pick up dirt while we work or play. Brush your teeth after each meal. See the dentist at least once a year and not only when you have a toothache. Clean parts of the body that easily collect dust, dirt, sweat, grime, and bad odor. The neck, groin, and armpits must be cleaned well. Change clothes daily, especially if you perspire a lot and live in a dusty place.

8 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Move your bowels daily and urinate regularly. Drink plenty of water and fruit juices every day and eat green leafy vegetables. This will help prevent constipation. Comb hair regularly, especially after taking a bath.

Healthy Lifestyle
Being healthy means having a sound mind and sound body. It also means positive attitude towards other people and towards life in general. A healthy person works better, earn more and live more comfortably. Above all, he/she will live more years to spend his/her life with loved ones. Guide for a healthy lifestyle: Exercise daily or at least three times a week. It gives strength to muscles for daily work. It also keeps a person from getting tired too easily. Avoid smoking. Its bad for the health not only to the smoker but to the passive smokers. It can lead to heart, lung, and throat diseases, or worst, cancer. Take precautions when in contact with a sick person to avoid getting the disease. Avoid eye fatigue. Read only when there is enough light. One can get blurred vision very early in life with bad reading habits. Avoid harmful vices such as drinking alcoholic beverages, and using dangerous drugs and substances. Get enough rest and sleep to keep your body in good condition. A person needs to recharge energy to function better both physically and mentally.

Responsible Parenting Handbook 9

Pre and Post Natal Care

Mother and child deserve the best care in the world. When the mother feels shes pregnant, the husband accompanies her to see a doctor, nurse, or midwife for check up. In this case, the husband and wife are informed on the proper caring for pregnant mother for the entire duration of pregnancy. Proper caring include periodical or monthly check up, proper nutrition information, and getting supplements to ensure a well nourished mother and normal births. After delivery, both parents need to bring the baby to the doctor for newborn screening and well baby check up.

Breastfeeding
Mothers milk is still the best milk for babies because it is a complete food in itself. Breast milk contains substances that protect babies from diseases, infections, and food allergies. Colostrum, the fluid that a mother produces after giving birth, is good for the baby. It should not be wasted, or thrown away. The fathers role in breastfeeding is very important during this period. The father can help to create a situation where mother and baby can be together. Bonding occurs through a physically, loving relationship. There are many ways for a father to connect to his new child. Bringing the baby to the mother for breastfeeding is a great way to demonstrate to the baby that the father can, in fact, meet his babys needs. The baby will be aware of the fact that daddy is the transportation to the food. Changing diapers, bathing, holding, carrying in a sling, singing, touching, massaging, and just loving the baby are all ways that a father can bond with his baby. These are all crucial ways that a new father can develop a loving, trustful relationship with his child. The early weeks of breastfeeding can be a time of exhaustion and confusion. The father can help so much by actively participating in the process. As the mothers support, the father can bring water, make food, and ensure that mom is getting plenty of rest. A father being available to care for and nurture his baby is essential in allowing the mother time to tend to her own needs.

Other Health Care Tips

Burping Half-way through, and after breastfeeding, the father or the mother holds the baby upright over the shoulder and pat or press the babys back gently or smoothly to make the baby burp.

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Bathing Give the baby a warm tub bath everyday. Avoid wetting the umbilical cord stump during the first two weeks. Use only mild baby soap, avoiding the face and ears. Pat with soft towel to dry. Clean the umbilical cord with 70% ethyl alcohol. Sickness Watch out for the following symptoms: loss of appetite, high temperature, flushed skin, drowsiness, loose or bloody stool, convulsion, difficult breathing, unusual vomiting, and irritability. Consult your doctor immediately. Growth monitoring Growth monitoring is following the growth process of the child. It is important to regularly measure the weight of the baby to monitor growth and put it in the Under-Five Growth Monitoring chart. The chart could be a fancy, printed one or just a listing in an ordinary notebook or ruled pad; but it is important to have one. It is easier to see at a glance whether or not the child is gaining weight normally. The parents will be able to take appropriate action, depending on the direction of the curve. An average healthy babys weight is three kilos at birth. If the baby grows well, the birth weight will double after five months and triple by the 12th month. An upward line means the baby is doing well and gaining weight. A flat line is a cause for concern because the baby is not gaining weight. A downward line is a sure sign of danger. Through this growth monitoring, the parents can detect childs health and nutritional problems. In this way, parents can make corrective measure to prevent early stage of damage on the childs normal development. Thus, parents need to weigh their babies monthly to keep a good record. Immunization Children can be protected against serious diseases by a course of immunization that is usually available through health services. It is therefore essential that all parents know why, when, where, and how many times their infants should be immunized (Maternal and Child Health Nutrition 1999).

Responsible Parenting Handbook 11

Need for Immunization Children can be protected against serious diseases by a course of immunization that is usually available through health services. Recommended Schedule for Immunization Birth (or any age) 2 months 3 months 4 months 6 months Between 12 months and puberty 15-18 months 4-6 years 12-14 years Thereafter Any Age * ** *** Nutrition The right amount of servings from each of the food groups depends on age, sex, body size, and activity level, but the table below will give an idea of where a person fits in: Preschool children Bread, Cereal, Rice, Pasta Fruits Vegetables Milk, Yogurt, Cheese Meats, Fish 6 servings 2 servings 3 servings 2-3 servings 5 ounces Most children and teenage girls 9 servings 3 servings 4 servings 2-3 servings 6 ounces BCG DPT*; trivalent OPV** DPT* Hepatitis B DPT*; trivalent OPV** Hepatitis B Trivalent OPV** Live measles vaccine or further Attenuated Vaccine Rubella vaccine Mumps vaccine DPT*; trivalent OPV** Booster DPT*; trivalent OPV** Booster DT*** BCG whenever Mantoux test reverts to negative DT *** Hepatitis B vaccine

Combined diphtheria-pertussis tetanus Oral Polio Virus Combined diphtheria -tetanus

Teenage boys 11 servings 4 servings 5 servings 2-3 servings 7 ounces

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The Food Pyramid It is healthier to eat more of the Level 1 food group and fewer of the higher level group of the pyramid. The top of the pyramid are food that does not help make the body strong or healthy. The food pyramid is a visual illustrating the contributions of each food group that make up a healthful diet.

Mental and emotional health Raising children is becoming harder for parents nowadays. Parents of the 21st century often worry that a lot of old-fashioned convictions are lost and are uncertain of the kind of morals, ambitions, and character the children will be having and the kind of world that awaits them as adults. Healthy mental and emotional development of children is an important goal of parenting. Parents should note that it is in the first two to three years of life that childrens personalities are being most actively molded by the attitudes of the parents or of the others who provided Responsible Parenting Handbook 13

most the care of the baby. A baby who is cared for mainly by loving, enthusiastic parents, perhaps with the help of others, surges ahead. Parents should give their children their visible love, pride, and joy, even in tiny accomplishments, to foster emotional depth and keen intelligence. To prepare parents for the tough job of raising mentally and emotionally healthy children, here are ways to address this responsibility: Nurture the childs self-esteem. Children start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through their parents eyes. The tone of voice, body language, and every expression are absorbed by them. The words and actions of parent affect their self-esteem more than anything else. Praising their accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting them do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing them unfavorably with others will make them feel worthless. Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons because they can damage children just as physical blows do. Choose words carefully and be compassionate. Let children know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them even when you dont love their behavior. Catch your child being good. Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your child in a given day? You may find that you are criticizing far more than you are complimenting. The more effective approach is to catch the child doing something right. Complimenting statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scolding. Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards; your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Set limits and be consistent with your discipline. Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help children choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. Children may test the limits parents establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults. Establishing house rules will help children understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some house rules might include: no TV until homework is done, limiting internet access, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing is allowed. Parents may want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a time out or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow through with consequences when rules are broken. You cant discipline a child for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches your child what you expect. Make time for your children. With so many demands on time, it is often difficult for parents and children to get together for a family meal, let alone spend some quality time

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together. But there is probably nothing a child would want more. Children who are not getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they are assured of being noticed that way. Many parents find it mutually rewarding to have prescheduled time with their child on a regular basis. Create a special time each week to be together and let him or her help decide how you will spend your time. Look for other ways to connect with your child. Pre-teens and teenagers seem to need less undivided attention from their parents than younger children. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Be a good role model. Young children learn a great deal about how to act by watching parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take from parents. Before parents lash out or blow the top in front of the child, think about how you want the child to behave when he or she is angry. Be constantly aware that parents are being observed by the children. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home. Parents should model the traits they wish to cultivate in at home: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish behavior and do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat children the way you expect other people to treat you. Make communication a priority. Parents cannot expect children to do everything simply because parents say so. Children want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we dont take time to explain, children will begin to wonder about parents values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their children allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way. Parents should make expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it to the child, express your feelings about it, and invite the child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to the childs suggestions as well and negotiate. Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out. Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting style. If parents frequently feel let down by the childs behavior, it may be because they have unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in shoulds or must may find it helpful to do more reading on the matter or to talk to other parents or child development specialists. The childrens environment has an impact on their behavior, so parents may be able to modify that behavior by changing the environment. If a parent finds himself constantly Responsible Parenting Handbook 15

saying no to a 2-year-old, look for ways to restructure the surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both. Moreover, as the child changes, parents should gradually change the parenting style. What works with the child now will not work as well in a year or two. Show that your love is unconditional. As a parent, you are responsible for correcting and guiding your children. But how corrective guidance is expressed makes all the difference in how children receive them. When parents have to confront children, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining the children. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what. Be aware of your own needs and limitations as a parent. Every parent should accept that there is no perfect parent. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. What is important is to recognize your abilities and vow to work on your weaknesses. Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, the spouse, and the children. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit when burned out and take time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make one selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.

PARENTING THE PRE-TEEN

Growing to learn Starting to school is challenging for a first timer to learn, live, and work in a classroom with thirty to fifty other children. Of course this is a surprising time and period of adjustment with the teacher to learn and share attention with the classmates. A childs readiness for school depends on the orientation from older siblings and parents encouragement to learn is needed in childs mental development. While it is true that parents want the children to be adept in schoolwork, they must not be pressured putting on too much expectation on the childs performance. A child needs to be emotionally and socially ready if he is going to adjust to others and learn readily. As home is the childs first school, he feels the love and cherish that every member of the family gives him. The school is the second home where he learns about the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees academically, morally, and spiritually. It is in school where dealing with classmates and learning will depend effective and easy for him. 16 Responsible Parenting Handbook

It is in school where children decide if they want to be smart or stupid; popular or unpopular; athletic or clumsy; definite in saying no or a no, no; to indulge in drugs or attend a youth club; or if they want to become a somebody or a flunker. It is in school where they hone their talents as they need the guidance of their parents and teachers to cultivate said talents. School children have their own friends. As good parents, knowing their friends is a responsibility in order that children would be in the correct company. Let them know that parents are concerned about their friends and the reason why they need to be in a good company. School-age children learn many things from home and school. This includes playing games, doing household chores, like baking, cooking, decorating, etc. They need teachers to teach them the procedures and the hows. Parents involvement as teacher enhances their learning and self-esteem. Making them proud of what they have accomplished will be reached. They deserve praises and encouragement for whatever good deeds they will make. School-age children become increasingly independent of their homes and families as they spend more and more time in school and in the company of their playmates. It is in school where discipline and self-esteem are strengthened. Children who were properly disciplined will find it easy to obey a task given in school or even at home. Setting rules at home will help kids cope with school work easily. Children who honor and respect their parents will practice the same with their teachers and older persons. Relating to others Children enter the stage of their psycho-sexual and psycho-social development at age six to ten. During this period, childrens interest is not only focused inside the home but on their playmates, schoolmates, teachers, and neighbors. Childrens capability to discern things increases at these ages. When children reach the pre-teen period between the ages of nine and twelve, they are ready to join their peers or berks, as they are called. This is what is called the early adolescent period or the age of puberty. The group is composed of children of similar size, age, sex, and interest. This is the period that the children compare notes with parents or even all members of the family. This is a sign of breaking away with parents. This is the time that the child needs more of the parents support. This is the time that parents should be more in contact with the child while monitoring his school performance and activities with other children. Other people could help, like the school teacher and favorite cousins. Responsible Parenting Handbook 17

Knowing their friends would help protect them from bad influence. It goes with the saying, tell me who your friends are and Ill tell you who you are. It is also at this stage that an adolescent idolizes and idealizes someone of the opposite sex. This may seem as a development of close friendships, finding strength in the company of their peers. Indeed, parents need to be very careful in criticizing their adolescents friends or forbidding their boys and girls to associate with friends of whom the parents do not approve. Parents opposition might lead to something they dont want to happen.

PARENTING THE TEENAGER

Adolescence is a time when teenagers want more freedom to spread their wings. Every parent at this point is confronted with issues such as peer pressure, alcohol, smoking, drug use, dating, and pre-marital sex. During adolescence, teens experience rapid physical, social, emotional, and intellectual development. They go through a lot of changes and development. Understanding their developmental stages and their traits can help parents support them in developing into independent, responsible adults. Life with teenagers is an emotional rollercoaster. Parents sometimes feel overwhelmed by the stress of bringing up teens. Parents and teens can live together, more or less harmoniously, if parents know what to expect and are willing to make adjustments in the way they think and act. To be effective, parents need to be involved in their childrens lives. While this is important at each stage of development, parents need to be especially involved and concerned during adolescence, when teenagers are at the crossroads of not being a child anymore and not yet being an adult. Sufficient monitoring and good communication, coupled with parental warmth and support, are crucial in a parent-teen relationship. To get involved in a teens life with hands-on love and guidance will make a real difference in a teens future. Here are some techniques that may help to parent teenagers effectively : Encourage teenagers to express themselves by talking about their thoughts, feelings, ideas, goals, and dreams. Prompt them to open up by asking open-ended questions. Ask teenagers to share things from their life and listen with genuine interest. Let teenagers know that their perspective is understood even though parents may not agree with it. In discussing sensitive or emotionally charged issues, let teenagers know that they are still valued and cared for. This then may lead to positive personality development of the teen.

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Maintain openness with teenagers. Parents need to do everything to convey to teenagers that they are open and available to hear questions on any topic. When teenagers feel that the home is not a safe and secure place to seek answers, they tend to seek answers from peers and, in the process, acquire inaccurate information. Being anxious, confused, and ill-prepared to deal with lifes strains may be the end result. Help teenagers to be responsible and disciplined. Explain the rewards of completing certain tasks, as well as the consequences of not doing so. Refuse to allow teenagers to engage in certain privileges, like attend a party or go out with friends, until they fulfill their chores or assignments. Try to recognize the teenagers efforts and the good things they do. Teens will only believe in themselves if they know parents have confidence in them. This will help boost their self-esteem. Help teenagers learn how to obey from the heart. When teenagers learn to obey authority figures like parents and teachers, they will learn to become responsible and to recognize and obey authority. Explain to them that just laws are to be obeyed at all times. Explain what constitutes right behavior, and why its important to act justly. Then set boundaries and consequences to follow through. Guide teenagers to choose friends wisely. Much of the teenagers behavior will be influenced by their friends. Be proactive in helping them how to recognize other peoples character. Explain the need to guide friendships. Teens whose parents know who their friends are and what they do in their free time, are less likely to get in trouble. Step in to prevent troubles. Parents used to be adolescents; thus, learning from past mistakes and moving forward counts. If a teen is heading for trouble, parents need to do something about it by clearing up communication problems. Setting strict rules when it comes to issues like dating is of utmost importance, as teens may approach it the wrong way. Responsible Parenting Handbook 19

Lighten up. As parents, conflicts with teenagers need not be treated as a battle. Giving room to teenagers to make their own choices, while guiding them develops in them a sense of responsibility and wisdom to know which path to take. Apologize when one is wrong. Certain issues may trigger strong emotions in a parent, thus the temptation to react harshly is a possibility. If it happens, apologizing for the specific mistake committed will facilitate mutual respect and communication. This may be difficult, as parents may not be comfortable surrendering the reins of authority. But parents should bear in mind that humility may be the key in winning their teenagers trust. Work with teenagers moods and figure out what to do about them. As parents, it counts to understand that all teens experience intense emotions like love, sadness, fear, anger, pride, embarrassment, shyness, and happiness. Teach teenagers that feelings shouldnt control them, that these feelings should point them toward constructive actions. Handle rebellion with loving firmness. Focus on discussing the issue at hand rather than attacking teenagers personally. Use positive reinforcement as often as possible. Always explain the reasons behind actions parents want a teen to do. Keep rules consistent no matter how much the teenager rebels, yet be sure to do so with the goal of loving them. Communicate values. Making ones beliefs known to teenagers provides a framework that enables them to absorb the parents values for themselves. Teenagers need to see that ones values are matched with specific actions by the parents, so that deeds will match ones creeds. This will equip teenagers to manage tough issues in life in a healthy and creative manner.

Talking about peer pressure Many parents of teenagers worry about the influence their childrens friends can have and the effects of peer pressure. In fact, there were a lot of researches conducted which found that most parents felt they were not the biggest influence on their teenagers, believing that their peers held that top spot. When children reach their teenage years they seem to grow up very fast, shutting out their parents and wanting to spend more time with their friends. They no longer wanted to talk to their parents about major issues such as sex, relationships, and drugs believing instead that their teen mates and the media are more influential role models. Here are some ideas on how parents can equip their teenagers in handling some sensitive issues when they are growing up: 20 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Try talking to children about a range of issues, including pre-marital sex and relationships early on. By the time they are teens, they are used to open chat with parents and are more likely to come to parents with their problems. Try not to criticize or make fun of their friends as the barriers will go up at once and may make them more determined to keep a friendship or relationship going, when it may have fizzled out anyway. Help teens to say no to peer pressure. Point out that their friends might just be showing off. Help them to see that they can a have a mind of their own. There may have problems at school because of friends and there may be bullying involved. Ask if they are in need of any help and assure them that they can always talk it out with their parents. Talk openly to teens about peer pressure and discuss how they would handle situations that they didnt feel comfortable with. Try to get to know their friends too. Encourage them to bring their friends home for a play date if they are younger, or just to hang around if they are older, invite them for a meal in order to know them in a casual and informal setting. But remember, they may not want their friends parents to be around, but meeting them, albeit fleetingly, is better than nothing.

Talking about alcohol Teenagers have easy access to alcohol at parties, in friends houses, in sari-sari store and quite often they drink for an experience. The number of teenagers trying to drink in their early teens is growing, often influenced by peer pressure and the media. The worry of most parents is that this action can also be linked to risky teenage behavior such as smoking and pre-marital sex.
Tips and Hints

In a practical way, talk openly about the potential dangers of alcohol from health to safety. Get the timing right. Try to find a relaxed time to talk about it e.g., when watching TV, or giving them a lift rather than when they are with their friends. Take time to talk about how alcohol can influence peoples judgment and help them to think through how it might feel to regret something they did because they are drunk the next day. Responsible Parenting Handbook 21

Make them aware of drinks being spiked and not putting themselves in vulnerable situations. Get them and their friends to look out for each other. Explore how alcohol affects people in different ways, and how it can make some people aggressive and up for a fight. Talk of ways of keeping safe and walking away from trouble. Present the facts. Parents may want to talk about different drinks, their alcohol strength and their impact on ones health. Check ones own behavior. Remember that a parents behavior will definitely influence their childs behavior. A parent who is drinking should be honest about the reasons why they or people in general like drinking as well as, the negatives of alcohol. If possible, limit drinking to acceptable norms. Try not to take it personally if teenagers dont take heed to advice, sometimes teens have to make their own mistakes to realize that what was said to them was true.

Talking about smoking Smoking, the same with alcohol, is another thing that most teenagers want to experience. Access to it is inevitable, it is easy for them to have one and try it. The following are some helpful suggestions on how parents should talk with young people about smoking: Gem up on the facts and talk openly about the health risks of smoking. Dont let a chat end up being a lecture as teens are more likely to tune out. Dont just talk and talk, ask questions and listen intently to their opinions. If a teen is suspected to have tried smoking or is already smoking, dont expect a confrontational question to result with the teen opening up or being honest. Stay calm, be open and let them know that they can talk freely without you as parent flying off the handle. Some parents find that talking about the health risks is enough to put their teens offthere is a lot of information out there that could be of help. Talk about peer pressure, especially when they are in their pre-teens and discuss how they would handle situations that they didnt feel comfortable with.

22 Responsible Parenting Handbook

If a teenager smokes and is talking through the risks hasnt had any impact, talk to them about what the bottom line is (e.g., I dont want you smoking in my house.) Check your own behavior. Remember that your behavior will influence your childs behavior. If you smoke, it is best to be open and honest than try the do as I say not as I do. If possible, quit smoking.

Talking about drugs Drug use among teenagers is now alarming. Drugs, including alcohol and cigarettes, are easy to come by, glorified by pop superstars, and are stuff that belong to certain in-crowds. Teenagers are very vulnerable to drugs; however, a little back-to-basics and common sense parenting grounded on spiritual values will be of great assistance to equip teenagers to say no and stick with it. To this end, here are again some practical suggestions: Know their friends, classmates, sport buddies, etc. In short, know everyone that has contact with them. The easiest way to accomplish this is by inviting their friends to come over to your house often. Observe their friends behavior, if any negative behavior was noticed, try talking it out with your child. Dont be afraid to voice out your concern about their friends negative behavior. Rather than forbidding your child to see this friend, seek to limit the activities of your child with this friend. Rather than labeling the adolescent as a danger, or a problem, help your child to identify weaknesses in their friends character. Practice and promote self control. This goes hand in hand with checking ones behavior, which will require the child to check her/his own behavior. A child, who early on learns to control negative emotions in the light of failure and pressure, will be less likely to seek to self-medicate dull painful feelings. Be on guard. If a drug paraphernalia was found or when the teens pupils dilated, or believe there to be any other sign of drug use, err on the side of caution and whisk her/him away to the doctor to ascertain the extent of drug use. Help them to understand that saying no is okay. The best way to do this is to dispel the myth that they may feel different from others and just trying something, like drugs, wont lead to an addiction or illness, or worse. They must be made to understand that the temptation to do drugs is normal, yet they are capable of saying no to such temptation.

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Talking about dating At the adolescent stage, certain hormones begin carrying out their function, thus, beginning a serious interest in teens of the opposite sex. Chief among the goals of teen-agers is to gain acceptance by the opposite sex. The time when teenagers fall in love may be a complicated time as their behavior may create problems in the family such as the tendency to neglect their studies due to time spent with the beloved, becoming depressed because of problems in such relationships and above all, refusing to listen to advice about the relationship from their parents. It is critical that teenagers understand that it is normal for people to fall in love and marry. They must not have any shadow of doubt that God has prepared someone for them. They should learn to trust Gods goodness and foresight. It will make it easier for them to overcome the temptations of peer pressure and curiosity of the unknown. Boys and girls have to learn the differences between sexes. Boys need to learn to respect a girls physical weaknesses and emotional make-up. As they get older, boys need to know that women are not intellectually inferior to them. Parents must explain that women are not sex objects to be taken advantage of, even if they are willing. Girls must be taught to respect that boys might be clumsy in social situations. As they get older, girls must learn that men are not inferior to them because they lack social poise. Moreover, girls should not be taught that all men are out to hurt them and that they should never trust a man. This could have devastating outcomes in their future marriages. Tips which may help when teen-agers fall in love. This, too, shall pass. At the adolescents stage, teenagers point of view goes against reality. It is at this stage when feelings are still unstable and adolescents are in the stage of discovery. Parents need extra grace and patience, knowing that romantic relationships of adolescence rarely last for a long period of time. Communicate unconditional acceptance. Teenagers are more often reluctant to talk to their parents about their relationship with the opposite sex, for such reasons as fear on getting a lecture or be dictated on what to do. It is necessary for parents to listen carefully without interrupting and let teenagers know they are loved no matter what. For only when parents listen carefully that understanding of the teenagers point of view occurs. Parents should always supply assurance, comfort and guidance especially on matters of the heart.

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Talking about sex Psychological control is an important determinant in teen sexual activity. Knowing where and whom the teens are with and what they are doing communicates to them that parents care. Monitoring your children without being intrusive will most likely result in low-risk sexual behavior among teens. This is so because as teenagers cope with emotional ups and downs, they try to find out their worth in this world. As teens try to establish their identity, they struggle with a lot of emotions or mixed feelings. If parent-teen connection is consistent, positive, and characterized by warmth, kindness, love, and stability, teens are more likely to flourish socially. They are more likely to respond to others positively and with greater empathy. Also, they struggle less with depression, have higher self-esteem and self-confidence. A recent study has shown that teenagers who had high self-esteem are less likely to engage in pre-marital sex. Consequently, parents are the best source of information on risks related to sexual activity. Talk about body image and other issues. Adolescents experience rapid rates of growth and maturation of the reproductive organs and glands. Together, these physical changes accomplish the biological task of transforming a child into an adult. Rapid change combined with wide variation among individuals tends to make adolescents extremely sensitive to their appearance. At no other time in life are feelings about the self (self-esteem) so closely tied to feelings about the body (body image). These physical changes also affect their social relations and emotions. Thus, teenagers are concerned with the changes their bodies are going through. They will have valid concerns about what is and what isnt normal. Teenagers need to be taught that everyone goes through this time in their lives and has the same worries. Sharing concerns parents had during that age may alleviate such worries. Discuss the consequences of sexual behavior. When adolescents enter puberty, their sexual drive develops very fast and yet they are not yet capable to correctly understand and resist sexual enticement. Since teenagers clamor increasingly for freedom, parental suggestions, questions and guidance are the keys to influencing them. Do not hesitate to ask teenagers where they are going, whom Responsible Parenting Handbook 25

they are meeting, what they are planning to do, and when they will get home. In this regard, parents should set some ground rules. Parents need to reduce the influence that movies, TV, popular music, and popular fiction have on teenagers who still are impressionable. In the area of sex, it is advisable to tackle issues before they come up. Doing so over the course of time, in age-appropriate fashion, will prime teenagers on how to deal with issues that might arise, even if parents are not present to guide them. Difficult as it may be, parents hardly have enough choice, given such avenues to elicit information on sex. Teenagers need to know that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The truth that sexual immorality causes unwanted pregnancies, abortions, heartache, and mistrust including single parent families has to be deeply ingrained. Understanding that there is no such thing as little immorality is important because once they are on the road to it, it is a very slippery slope, and will just go downhill from there. Pregnancy is great, if it occurs during the right time, and within a committed relationship like marriage. It makes life very hard though, if pregnancy occurs at a young age. These feelings need to be brought into the fore by the parents as tough issues are discussed. Give teenagers every possible perspective. Teenagers may feel pressure from another to engage in pre-marital sex to see if they are compatible. Furthermore, the peer pressure to join in in this worldly activity may easily erode a young persons willingness to wait until marriage. Parents need to train teenagers to understand what love is, according to the moral laws and not according to the world. The fact that sex without the commitment of marriage is not a sure sign of love nor will it lead to marriage, have to be taught to teenagers. Teenagers ought to know that parents and moral laws are not there to spoil their fun. When something is not allowed, it is not for selfish reasons, but for their own protection. Tell teenagers that the door is always open. Parents are the best source when it comes to valuable life information. Remember to bring up the fact that open communication about sex does not in any way imply that sexual behavior is condoned or consented to. Communicating this will clear any confusion they may have and calm some of the parents own concerns.

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Discipline tips for parents of teenagers Discipline isnt a pleasant experience, especially for teens that feel grown up, independent, and exempt from correction. However, when a child hit the teen years, discipline is more important than ever. With that in mind, the following are suggested disciplining ways:

Communicate rules beforehand. If teens know whats expected of them up front, many problems can be avoided. Remember that discipline should be redemptive. Punishment isnt for the purpose of hurting them because they broke the rules or have hurt others. Its purpose is to help them grow to become responsible adults. Present a united front. Disagreements between parents about rules and discipline issues communicate weakness. Teamwork that leads to consensus between spouses is always ideal. Never discipline for mistakes, only punish for willful disobedience. Give counsel following mistakes, but save the discipline for the big stuff. Be consistent. If a teenager disobeys and gets off without any consequences, but was nailed the second time for the same thing, it will create confusion. Also make sure the punishment fits the offense. More serious offenses should incur a more sever punishment than lesser ones. Be judicious and creative when choosing a discipline. Communicate with them after the discipline. Talking or hugging afterward communicates that they are still being loved despite what they did. Communicate to them the expectation that they should actually learn to discipline themselves. The teen years are a handing-over period. As teens learn to discipline themselves in different areas, there will be less need for a parents intervention. Dont feel guilty about disciplining teens. Teens will often try to make their parents guilty for standing on their ground. Use the Holy Book to teach lifestyle principles and applications to situations and behaviors. Its still the best parenting book available.

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Below is a rhyme that captures the spirit of parenting:

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticisms, He learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, He learns to fight. If a child lives with fear, He learns to be apprehensive. If a child lives with pity, He feels sorry himself. If a child lives with ridicule, He learns to be shy. If a child lives with jealousy, He learns what envy is. If a child lives with shame, He learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with encouragement, He learns to be confident. If a child lives with tolerance, He learns to be patient. If a child lives with praise, He learns to be appreciative. If a child lives with acceptance, He learns to like himself. If a child lives with recognition, He learns that it is good to have a goal. If a child lives with sharing, He learns about generosity. If a child lives with honesty and fairness, He learns what truth and justice are. If a child lives with security, He learns to have faith in himself and in those about him. If a child lives with friendliness, He learns that the world is a nice place in which to live. If you live with serenity, Your child will live with peace of mind. 28 Responsible Parenting Handbook

amily Family Relationship

CHAPTER II

M
beings.

arriage is the lifelong partnership of a man and a woman two different individual who are bound to understand, respect, love, and care for each other. It is an active relationship in which both partners grow and develop their best qualities as human

Essentially, marriage is what the two persons make of it.

MAKING MARRIAGE WORK

Most spouses start out full of hopes and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage work. Yet as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets in and the pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic and do not find as much satisfaction in their relationships. All marriages change over time. But with hard work and dedication, people can keep their marriages strong and enjoyable. How is it done? What does it take to create a long-lasting, satisfying marriage?

HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP
Consider the positive aspects of your marriage. What are you doing that works well and brings you and your spouse joy and happiness? If you have a satisfying marriage, chances are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have found to be common in successful marriages. Lets look at these factors. Positivity. The main difference between stable and unstable marriages is the amount of positive thoughts and actions spouses engage in toward each other. Successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is too much negativity criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges the relationship will suffer. On the other hand, if there is never any negativity, it probably means that frustrations and grievances are accumulating inside one or both partners. There are many ways that show positivity in a couples marriage.

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Show interest. Interest can be signaled by truly listening and being involved in a conversation. Be affectionate. You can show affection in subtle ways through quiet acts of tenderness touching or holding hands or a quick shoulder massage. Show you care. Small acts of thoughtfulness are a powerful way to boost the positivity in a marriage. Be appreciative. Let your spouse know that he or she has done something that pleases you. Acknowledgment helps them feel loved and confident enough to share further expressions of love. Show your concern. Express your concern whenever your spouse tells you about something distressing or troubling. Be supportive when your spouse is worried. Fight fair. In a fruitful argument, each spouse explains why he or she is mad while the other one listens with respect. Long-term happy couples tend to argue calmly. Loss of control, yelling and sobbing seldom helps solve problems. Have tolerance. The most successful couples acknowledge that many problems are unsolvable and learn to work around them. The ability to forego perfection is vital for relationship satisfaction. A successful couple continually focuses on their relationships strengths. Empathy. Empathy means understanding a persons perspective by putting oneself in his or her shoes. This is important for relationship satisfaction. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts and feelings. Commitment. Both spouses should be committed to the relationship. When the partners are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, despite the unavoidable challenges and obstacles that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship that lasts. Husbands and wives who only focus on themselves and their own desires are not as likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships. However, when spouses are committed to investing in their marriage and are willing to sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good of the relationship, they usually have high-quality marriages. Acceptance. Everyone wants to feel valued and respected. When people feel that their spouses truly accept them for who and what they are, they are usually more secure and confident in their relationships. Often, there is conflict in marriage because partners cannot accept the individual preferences of their spouses and try to demand change from one another. When one person tries to force change from another, he or she is usually met with resistance. Basic acceptance is vital to a happy marriage.

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Mutual love and respect. Why would two people get married who did not love and respect each other? The fact is, as time passes and life becomes increasingly complicated, the marriage often suffers as a result. It is all too easy for spouses to lose touch with each other and neglect the love and romance that once came so easily. It is important that husbands and wives continue to develop love and respect for each other throughout their lives. If they do, it is highly likely that their relationships will remain happy and satisfying. Satisfying sexual relation. When done as an expression of love and care, sex serves as powerful instrument of relationship maintaining marital fulfillment and happiness. Managing conflict. Conflict in marriage is unavoidable. All marital relationships- even the best ones will experience at least some conflict from time to time. However, many people are successful and happy in their marriages, despite the conflicts that arise. The key to their success is how they handle their conflicts and disagreements. Maintaining the desired relationship. Marriage relationships are constantly evolving. Feelings of love may wax and wane during a relationship, but trust and commitment must be constant. Successful couples dont take each other for granted but work constantly at rejuvenating their good feelings for each other. The most satisfied couples put as much thought and energy into their relationship as they put into their children or career. A couple must renew and enrich their relationship again and again.

PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
As united by marriage, parents will procreate by giving birth to and nourishing a new life. Parents have to recognize the basic need of the newborn for safety, nourishment, warmth, and nurturing. As fathers and mothers are responsible for the health, growth, and development of the character of children, they are also accountable for whatever their children will become in the future. Parents are committed and dedicated to childrens welfare. This includes the well-being of a child, the inculcation of good character traits, such as love, respect, and obedience. In addition to a harmonious parent-child relationship, the following are for consideration: prioritization, relationship with God, communication, and forgiving and forgetting. Responsible Parenting Handbook 31

Love. Parents who love, care, and appreciate their children will gain the childrens self respect, self confidence, and development of their talents and potentials to the fullest. The encouragement, the affection, the teachings parents provided to the children will bear fruit in a long lasting effect. It is often correct to give incentives to children than punishment to show concern for the learning process of a young human being who is turning into a new individual. Given good care and sufficient stimulation, newborn babies attain a greater degree of competency. Newborn grows from a completely dependent human being into one who walks, talks, plays, and explores. The three-year old is learning and, perhaps more important, is learning how to learn. Thus, parents of children from birth to age three play a critical role in influencing the childs growth and development. Obedience. Obedience to parental authority should be inculcated during babyhood and cultivated in youth. From their earliest life, children are taught to obey their parents, to respect their word, and show reverence to authority. House rules are meant to be observed. Though children are obliged to honor and obey their parents as long as they are under parents tender and concerned authority, parents need the cooperation of the children in setting rules within home and outside home. Children who obey house rules will find it easy to do tasks given by the school or outside school. However, children are not to be indulged and allowed to think that they can follow their own desires without asking the advice of their parents. Children love to play games. Playing games is the best quality time a parent and child share with each other. This is the time for getting young children to obey tasks. The incentive that starts from getting a big kiss and hug to owning a cellular phone is the result of responding to a small task to a big one. Praising the children in every good deed they do is better than having a new pair of shoes. Respect. It is important to respect childrens choices as they reach out for independence at a young age as it is the youngs initial decision-making stage. Parents can help foster those decision-making skills by being supportive and respect their attempts to achieve independence and to establish their own identity. Children are trained, educated, and disciplined until they become obedient to their parents, giving respect to authority. Priority in life. Parents are awfully busy with minor things forgetting the major ones. Children need to know that they are priorities in parents lives. Paying attention to their needs is what they wanted. Children grow so fast, and everyday is a special day with them. A special day would mean spending quality time with the children in a form of a recreation. 32 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Recreation, when properly handled, can serve as an important factor in molding the character and personality of children. It can strengthen bonds of togetherness between parents and children. Recreational activities can serve as excellent opportunities for guidance and counseling because the spontaneity of the situation allows a parent to right away put in a word or two of advice. Parents should take advantage of the time spent with their children, from the time of their first smile, their first crawl, the first time they say the word Mama or Papa, their first school day of school, up to the time when they are ready to become parents. Frequent communication. Constant dialogue with the children will help in inculcating the values of love, happiness, and sacrifice. Parents are reminded to teach the children that feelings should not control them, especially the feelings of sadness, fear, anger, pride, and embarrassment. One of the hard parts of parenting is to accept that parents are no longer the central focus of their lives as when they were still children. But parents should not underestimate their importance as kids will always need them to explore who he is and what he can become. Parents are the greatest gifts of God to children as the children are the greatest gifts to parents. Forgive and forget. Understanding each others strengths and weaknesses, parents and children will have continuous harmonious relationships, avoiding conflicts that might lead to disagreements. Good words like Im sorry, Forgive me, Please understand me, are words that deserve forgiveness from childs faulty and treacherous offenses. Past mistakes may be shared with the kids, because this may help in learning not to do the same mistakes again. If ever this occurs, it is the duty of the parents to help their children understand that parents will always be there for them to help and support their taken actions.

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RELATIONSHIP WITH RELATIVES AND IN-LAWS

When persons marry, they automatically become members of their spouses family. This brings not only certain joys but also certain situations. In our country, the extended family system makes adjustment a bit more complex. One deals not only with the immediate family of ones spouse but also with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, and nieces to the nth degree. The traditional closeness of the wellknit Filipino family can be an advantage because there will always be relatives who are willing to help when the going gets rough, and a disadvantage because there may be relatives who will interfere or make a nuisance of themselves. Relatives and in-laws play a supportive role. This particularly manifests itself when the couple find themselves under great financial difficulty; for example, when either of them or any of their children falls suddenly ill, when they have to move to a new residence, or hold a big party. Relatives may be requested to shoulder some of the couples domestic responsibilities not only during times of stress but also when they manifest their sincere desire to help without imposing their own values and lifestyle. They may serve as a positive and enriching influence on both parents and children, especially if they have wide interests outside the home, if they are greatly involved in community affairs, if they are full of ideas and have had many experiences. Problems arise when relatives and in-laws contribute to family disharmony. They may side with one partner against the other, favor one child over all the rest, and alienate the children from their parents by ridiculing and pointing out the inadequacies of the latter. They may impose their own, often over-indulgent mode of child-rearing. They may be overbearing or over-dependent, creating tension either way. They may encourage over-dependence on them. If a spouse wants to have successful relationships with relatives and in-laws, then accepting them as they are is a good way to start. One assumes a positive attitude towards them and consciously looks for their good points. One graciously listens to relatives advice because this is often well-intended. This is expected especially if the source is much older, considering the Filipinos traditional respect for elders. However, the decision to follow or not still lies with the receiver of the advice. One does not criticize the partners kin so as to compare them unfavorably with ones own. As much as possible, newlyweds should strive to be financially and emotionally independent from their parents if they want their relationship to grow on a mature basis. Setting up their own nest will greatly minimize unwelcome intervention even by well-meaning in-laws.

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In the Philippines, this is admittedly difficult because usually couples still live with parents, grandparents, and other relatives during the first few years of marriage. Children who have reached adulthood are expected to take care of their elders who reciprocate by helping in the housework and keeping watch over the kids. Conflicts revolving around the discipline of children are bound to occur, especially since grandparents tend to spoil them. Within the limits of this cultural framework, it is still possible to establish a relatively independent life by having a separate household. Grandparents may just visit their childrens families, and vice versa. If living with relatives and in-laws is unavoidable, the arrangement may still be made pleasant and satisfactory by observing the rules of mutual respect and mutual accommodation. Parents nevertheless should make it clear that they are primarily responsible for the raising of their children. If problems arise, the best way is still to talk them over. In-laws have a big part to play in the success or failure of marriage. When maintaining good relationship with in-laws, here are some points to remember: Treat your in-laws as you would your parents. Be fair. Give as much respect and time to your in-laws as you would to your own parents. Remember that your in-laws are like your second parents. Do not criticize your spouses parents. Do not compare your in-laws with your parents and vice versa. Let your in-laws enjoy your kids as much as you let your own parents.

Remember that when you get married, your priority should be your own family.

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36 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Management Home Management

CHAPTER III

ome management is a day-to-day activity of married couples as soon as they start their lives together.

Management is the process of planning the use of resources in order to get the desired output. It is the conscious and deliberate use of resources to get results that are favorable to everyones needs. Applying this definition to the home setting, home management can therefore be defined as the process of planning, controlling, and evaluating family resources to achieve family goals. Home management is a decision-making activity. What can be considered as family resources? These resources include time, energy, money, material goods, knowledge, and skills. Family goals, on the other hand, are based on concrete human needs, and pertain mainly to the provision of basic needs which are food, clothing, and shelter. Beyond these basic needs, family goals may include, among others, the maintenance of health, education of children, security for the future, and the full development of each members potentials.

ACTIVITIES MANAGEMENT
Management of the activities of the couple begins from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. This management skill can allow them more time for themselves and the children and friends. It can possibly increase their performance and productivity at work and in the home. This will help reduce stress. The best place to start is to manage the couples time better. Problems in activities management usually come from poor work habits. It is a good idea to keep track of how the couple spends their time for at least four days and after a while try to review and check for the causes of ineffective use of time. The couple may then ask themselves which tasks can be performed only by them or one of them, and which activities can be delegated to other members of the family or what tasks can be totally eliminated.

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Tips on Activities Management Here are some tips for apportioning time for activities: 1. List down the tasks to be done. Prioritize time by rating tasks by importance and urgency. Opposite each task, note the approximate amount of time needed to accomplish each. Manage commitments by not over - or under-committing. Avoid unimportant commitments. Redirect time to those activities that are important and meaningful. In prioritizing time, it is necessary that goals are set clearly. Goals should be put in writing and reviewed frequently. To make these goals operational, daily to-do list should be used. 2. Consolidate or group similar tasks and do them simultaneous. This eliminates a lot of sporadic behavior. 3. Alternate the easy with the difficult task to minimize fatigue. 4. Deal with procrastination by using a day planner, breaking large activities into smaller ones, and setting short-term deadlines. 5. Allocate enough time for exercise, recreation, rest, and sleep. 6. Tackle the hardest tasks when the energy level is at its peak, not when tiredness is expected to set in. 7. Give each member of the family an assignment so that the burden of work is spread out. Break the Do-It-Yourself habit and let others learn to share responsibility in doing household chores. You will find you have more time for major tasks. Aside from a flexible time schedule, energy and time may also be saved by arranging equipment and belongings so that they are well arranged, readily accessible, and easily remembered. Exercise, recreation, rest, and sleep are essential in remaining physically and mentally fit.

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FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT
Money is a very important resource that needs careful management. The family has to provide the basic needs of the family members which include food, housing, transportation, water, recreation, clothing, medical and dental needs, education, and electricity, among others. Family needs are numerous but family resources are often limited. Another fact that a family has to recognize early, in order to prepare for it as much as possible, is that financial demands vary at different stages of family life. For example, it is expected that when the children start going to school a bigger dent on family funds will be incurred than when they were just pre-schoolers. It is also expected that when children start studying in college, a bigger portion of the family income will go to their education. A common complain among married couples is that, whatever they do, their money seems to be always lacking. It seems they are never able to earn enough for their needs. Budgeting No matter what income level it falls under, a family must have a budget. A budget is a plan by which the important needs of a family are met in a satisfactory way through a well-thought out system of priorities. Budgeting should be a joint decision-making between husband and wife. This will provide a constant consultation and communication regarding matters that will affect them and the family. Here are some steps parents can follow in budgeting: 1. Estimate the total income which may come in any of the following forms: wages and salaries extra earnings or sidelines sale from home products or fruits/vegetables (backyard garden) additional amount from gifts or other sources 2. List down all items which the couple or the family has to spend on including estimates of each item. 3. Subtract fixed expenses such as: rental (house/room/apartment) light water installment tuition taxes Responsible Parenting Handbook 39

4. The balance is divided for daily needs, such as: food clothing (laundry) transportation health recreation 5. As much as possible, set aside 5 to 10 percent of the balance for saving. This is important for emergency use such as in sickness, or for earning additional income like investments, or capital for small business. Keep your savings in the bank where they are safer and earn interest. Tips on cost-cutting measures Below are some tips on cost-cutting: 1. Buy wisely. Wise buying is the art of getting goods that satisfy ones needs at a minimum amount of time, energy, and money. It is getting the most out of limited resources. 2. Learn to say no to sales people who encourage hulugan. Establish priorities and resort to hulugan only for very important items. 3. Avoid smoking/drinking liquor/gambling/junk foods. Aside from helping one to be healthy, it can also allow savings. 4. Learn to recycle food, clothing, and other items. Be creative in cooking; learn how to sew and other means of reusing waste materials at home. 5. Walk instead of taking a ride when the destination is only a short distance away. Aside from saving, the walk will provide exercise which is good for health. 6. Plant vegetables in the backyard/pots. Vegetables will always be fresh and the excess can be sold for extra money. 7. Include savings in the budget items. 8. Conserve energy and water. 9. If there is a baby, breastfeed him/her. This is good for the babys health and for closer bonding between the mother and the baby. 10. Learn to live within the means. 40 Responsible Parenting Handbook

11. Do not over cook food. It is a waste of fuel. 12. In case of illness, get medical care on time to prevent complications. Complications mean greater expense. 13. A fiesta, birthday, or family reunion as an established tradition may be celebrated but not lavishly. Simple but attractive meals may be served. For children, savings is most easily linked to savings for something they really want. To encourage children to save, provide them with a source of money (either in allowance or some method in earning money) and a safe place to put the money, such as a piggy bank. Then monitor the spending and saving, and praise the child for their savings. If there is a serious spender in the family, keep the piggy bank in a drawer or closet, using the principle of out of sight, out of mind. Tips on wise buying In buying for household necessities, be guided by the following tips: 1. Buy food that is cheap but nutritious. Take advantage of fruits and vegetables in season. 2. Buy clothes that can serve many purposes and can be worn on many occasions. 3. Buy household equipment that is within the familys means. 4. Buy on sound credit terms. Large down payments pay off quickly. Advertising claims such as No Down Payment and Long time to pay means greater costs. 5. Buy soap and detergent in bulk. 6. Avoid getting near to things that will tempt you to spend. Stay away from stores except when there is absolute need to buy. Avoid just looking. Browsing can lead to buying. Make a list and stick to it. 7. Plan shopping with a purpose in mind. Use that list. Extras that are not really needed can add to the total at the cash register. 8. Limit the number of trips to the store or to the market. 9. Shopping when one is hungry, tired, or depressed can be a tendency to overspend. Before spending money, think through the decision-making process: What are my financial goals and priorities? Will this help me reach my important goals? Responsible Parenting Handbook 41

Consider the alternatives. Ask yourself: Can I do without? Can I continue to use what I already have? Can I make it instead of buying it? Can I borrow someone elses? Can I substitute something less expensive? Can I rent a few days instead of buy? Is this a need or a want? Should I buy?

10. If deciding to buy, do some comparison shopping. 11. Be patient. Learn to say no to items: that do not rank high on the spending priority list. that are too expensive for the budget (know the limits of the familys budget) that look wonderful but are really not. Learn also to say no to friends or relatives who sell things to you that you do not need. Do not buy just because of the feeling of being obligated. 12. Use feedback. Review the familys spending record for patterns of behavior. 13. Establish spending guides for the family to follow. Use expense records to plan spending. Set spending limits. Do not spend more than what is in the plan. 14. Keep credit purchases to a minimum. Think about what credit will cost and how else to use that money. Remember, interest charges usually add to the cost of anything purchased with credit. Try to reduce waste to help save money. Excessive use (water, lights, automobile), abuse, or lack of care which leads to expensive repairs or shortens the service life of a product, or throwing away useful items are all examples of wasted money.

MAINTAINING THE HOME

The house should be a place where everybody in the family would feel safe and secure. Because of this, maintaining the house in safe and good condition is necessary. The following are general reminders in maintaining a healthy and safe house: 1. Examine every part of the house periodically. If there are parts that need repair, do the repair immediately. Leaking faucets can lead to higher water bill; defective electrical connections or convenience outlets can be dangerous as it can cause fire. 42 Responsible Parenting Handbook

2. Watch out for signs of invasion of destructive insects such as termites and ants. Ant bites are bothersome. Termite attacks can strain the family budget on repairs. 3. A healthy family makes a habit of cleanliness. Make sure that the house is always clean, inside and outside. Clean the floor regularly and always keep it dry to prevent accidents. Cover all garbage cans inside and outside the house to keep out flies and rats. 4. Protect the environment. It is the key for healthy and sustainable living. 5. Be a responsible pet owner. Keep pets from annoying the neighborhood or straying onto the street. They can also bring in a lot of germs, as well as vermin (fleas, bugs and others). Dogs, for instance, should not be allowed to freely roam around as they might bite people and cause a lot of trouble to the owner. 6. Cleanliness is also very important in guarding against diseases. 7. Be prepared against disasters and calamities such as floods, typhoons, and fires. Safety in the home Babies and young children learn about their world by exploring it. This means that, as soon as they are able to, they will crawl, touch, and grab at whatever is in their line of sight. They are curious by nature and need careful and gentle guidance. Shouting at or smacking children will not teach them about safety. Most accidents happen in the home and this is why it is important to ensure that your home is safe especially for children. There are many situations in which children have overdosed on their parents drugs and medicines. Here are tips on how to avoid some dangers in the home: Make sure that all medicines and drugs are locked away well and out of reach of children, and properly labeled. Certain rooms are necessarily full of danger, such as the kitchen, and should remain out of bounds or made safe by the use of safety devices. Are your children contained within the house? Is the safety chain high enough on the front door even for a very active toddler? Crawling and exploring are an essential part of their development - keep an eye on your young children, especially near wires and sockets. Small children should never be left alone with pets. Even trained and good natured animals can turn on them. Responsible Parenting Handbook 43

Make sure that irons, saucepans, and hot drinks are kept out of reach of children. Scalding and burns are common and avoidable accidents. Inhaling cigarette smoke is bad for childrens health. Children will be affected by passive smoking and your smoking may encourage them to smoke when they get older. If a parent is a smoker, he may consider stopping the habit. Check toys for safety marks. Ensure that your child does not play with toys that are not suitable for his or her age, especially if the pieces are small enough to choke on. Unsafe toys can be very dangerous. Check electrical wiring periodically and regularly. Check LPG tanks/gas stoves and accessories regularly.

Other tips for child safety: Never leave the child without an adult supervision. Let the child sleep in his or her crib and let him lie in a prone position or on his side. Keep the child out of direct sunlight to avoid skin burn. Keep matches, lighted candles, and hot liquids out of reach. Keep away kerosene, medicines, caustics and insecticides from the child. Never allow the child to play on the street. Never smoke or allow someone to smoke near the child. Keep plastic bags away to avoid suffocation. Keep sharp objects away. Install safety locks on cabinets, drawers and wooden cribs. Always use seatbelt when inside the car and never leave the child alone inside a vehicle. Never allow the child near swimming pool, ponds, and rivers without adult supervision.

Keeping healthy and safe surroundings The following are tips on how to maintain a healthy and safe surrounding: Garbage disposal A healthy family makes a habit of cleanliness. Make sure that the house is always clean, inside and outside. Here are some tips: 1. Clean the floor regularly. Always keep it dry to prevent accidents. 2. Do not allow solid objects to be washed down the kitchen sink. These can clog up the drain and render the sink unusable.

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3. In constructing the toilet and bathroom, make sure that the cesspool or depository of wastes is big enough, and the sewage pipes either of iron or concrete are wide enough and correctly installed, to prevent clogging. 4. As much as possible, construct your toilet out of concrete. Install a sturdy toilet bowl, and provide four walls and a roof. 5. Cement floor can be very slippery. Scrub them regularly to avoid accidents in the bathroom. 6. Clean the water container, water dipper, and soap containers regularly. Plastic containers tend to collect a slimy, slippery film. Regular scrubbing should prevent this. 7. Use soap and water, or toilet paper, in cleaning up after moving your bowels. Avoid using newspapers, shredded cardboard, or any other bulky material which can clog up the pipes. 8. Sprinkle water on the ground before sweeping to prevent the dust from swirling all over the place and into the house. 9. Cover all garbage cans inside and outside the house to keep out flies and rats. 10. Use weighted lids to prevent dogs and cats from spilling and scattering the garbage all over the place. 11. Reduce and dispose safely all domestic wastes. 12. Avoid excessive use of plastic bags. 13. Segregate solid garbage which can be recycled and reused. Bottles and other empty containers may be reused for storing vinegar, liquid soaps, and cooking oil and for other household uses. Reuse all items as much as possible to lessen garbage produced or repair them for longer use. Other materials which can be recycled such as newspapers, magazines, tin cans, glass bottles, and the like, may be sold to a junk shop. 14. In places where toilets are in the form of pit privies dug in earth, make sure that the excavation is deep enough. Provide a cover for the hole of the latrine, to prevent its infestation by flies, mosquitoes, cockroaches, and other creatures.

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15. Scrub the toilet bowl regularly. Use muriatic acid or vinegar to remove the yellowish stains inside. Backyard gardening, greening, and caring for the environment 1. Tend a small vegetable and herbal garden in available lot or space at home. This way, you may be able to ease your money worries. At the same time, you can improve the health of your family, and provide them a greater quantity of nourishing food, too. Learn to construct and use a compost pit for dried leaves, animal wastes and other biodegradable wastes. Loam soil produced from decomposed wastes from the compost pit can be used as organic fertilizer. Plant fruit bearing trees around the house. Trees will provide shade, absorb pollution and provide cool breeze especially during summer. Avoid use of aerosol sprays, hair sprays, paints and insect repellants with chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) that destroy the earths ozone layer. Dont catch endangered species, or collect endangered plants and animals. Be aware of and protect your environment. It is the key to healthy and sustainable living.

2.

3.

4.

5. 6.

Safety measures against diseases 1. The kitchen is a very important part of the house. This is where the family prepares, cook and store food. Always keep it neat, clean, and orderly. 2. Cover all foodstuffs; protect them from flies. 3. Keep glasses, plates, forks, spoons, knives, and water dippers in a covered, secured place where cockroaches can not reach them. 4. Clean the dining table with soaped rags to remove odors and stains which attract flies and other insects. 5. Clean water containers (jugs, jars, pitchers, bottles) inside and outside, and keep them covered or capped at all times.

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6. Set aside a special dipper for stored drinking water, in case youre using a big water jar. 7. The toilet and bathroom must be clean, and it is very important that these are sturdily built. 8. Keep the yard clean and free of garbage, including the area outside your fence. Dirty surroundings breed disease. 9. Waste matter in the area can become the source of intestinal, skin, eye and lung infection, particularly among children who play in the yard. Clean up animal and human waste in the yard immediately. Disaster preparedness 1. Avoid constructing your house in dangerous locations such as near the riverbank, in areas that can be reached by high tide, in flood prone areas, in areas near a very steep slope or ravine, in earthquake fault line, near an electrical transmission line, and other similar areas. 2. Family members should be taught how to safely evacuate the house in case of fire or in case there are natural calamities such as floods and typhoons. Parents should learn how to do first aid techniques in case of injuries and know the locations of the nearest medical clinic or hospital when any of the family members need medical attention.

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and Fertility Awareness a nd Famil Planning amily Natural Family Pla nning

CHAPTER IV

he human body is already equipped with mechanisms for the natural management of fertility. These mechanisms show themselves through physical and physiological signs that can be recognized, observed, and charted by both men and women.

Fertility, or being fertile, is the capacity of a person to conceive and bear children; it is similar in meaning to fecundity which refers to the ability to produce offspring (Encarta Dictionary Tools 2003). It is necessary for both the man and the woman to be fertile for them to bear a child. Couples should be aware that men are potentially fertile all the time when they are already producing sperm. Women however are only fertile for a few days in a menstrual cycle around the time of ovulation.

FERTILITY AWARENESS
Fertility awareness refers to the recognition of the fertile and infertile phases of a womans reproductive cycle. It relies on the daily observation and interpretation of the changing signs to determine a womans fertility status (DOH 2001-2004). When we speak of responsible parenting, fertility is the natural starting point since it is fertility that determines whether a couple will have children or not. Male Fertility A boy begins producing sperm when he is about 12 years old. A wet dream usually signals that the boy is now producing sperms and he is entering the age of puberty. A males body changes in many ways when he approaches puberty. His shoulders and chest widen, his outer reproductive organs grow bigger. This is accompanied by hair growth in the armpits and chest and in the pubic area and his voice lowers. He begins to produce sperms and begin to have wet dreams. A man is normally fertile every day of his life from puberty until his death.

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Female Fertility A womans fertility starts at puberty with her first menstruation. This menstruation signals that her body is now ready to bear a child. The female contribution in the conception of a child is the egg. Between two menstrual periods, an egg cell matures and is released into a tube called fallopian tube where it waits for the sperm. This is called ovulation and the egg is called the ovum. Around the time of ovulation, the woman feels wet because of the mucus that her body produces. A woman is fertile around this time. Between puberty and menopause, a woman is only fertile around the times when her body releases an egg. The egg cell lives for about 24 hours. On the other hand, the mucus she secretes around or before ovulation can keep the sperm alive from three to five days. A womans fertility begins at puberty and ends at menopause when her menstruation stops.

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Combined Fertility In the context of parenting, fertility is an integral part of the conjugal relationship of the husband and wife. This calls for maturity and responsibility in the reproductive process of the couple. Combined fertility is the equal contribution of the male (sperm) and female (egg) in the decision and capability to have a child, despite the fact that only the woman bears a child for nine months and gives birth. This simply means that a male sperm and a female egg are needed for fertilization to occur; there is no other way. The following illustration show how the couple can organize their fertility behavior so that they can raise the children according to their plans and aspirations.

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Fertility Cycle The fertility cycle or menstrual cycle of the woman is crucial in our appreciation of human fertility. The cycle begins on the first day of menstrual bleeding and ends at the onset of the next menstrual bleeding. Menstrual bleeding is due to the shedding of the uterine lining that was previously prepared for implantation; it indicates that no implantation happened. At about the time menstrual bleeding began, several eggs have started to grow in the ovaries. The length of a womans cycle can vary normally by a few days from cycle to cycle. A menstrual cycle is usually 25 to 34 days but some women may have shorter cycles or longer cycles which are normal. The fertility cycle is divided into phases the menstrual phase, the pre-ovulatory phase, the ovulatory phase, and the post-ovulatory phase. The menstrual phase begins on the first day of menstruation which is also the first day of the cycle. The woman experiences menstrual bleeding which usually lasts three to five days. The pre-ovulatory phase is the infertile phase which includes all the dry days after the menstrual bleeding has stopped. Some women, however, may not be able to observe the dry days after menstruation, especially women with short cycles. The length of the pre-ovulatory phase varies. The ovulatory phase is the highlight of a womans fertility. It occurs 12 to 14 days before the onset of the next menstrual cycle. One mature egg is released and stays in the fallopian tube. It can be fertilized by the male sperm for only up to one day or 24 hours. During this phase, the womans sensation is wet; the cervical mucus is also wet, slippery, stretchy, and clear. This mucus helps the sperm live and swim to reach the egg. It nourishes the sperm. The post-ovulatory days are the infertile days after the release of the mature egg during the ovulatory phase. This phase is usually fixed in the cycle (11 to 16 days).

MODERN SCIENTIFIC FERTILITY AWARENESS-BASED METHODS (NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING METHODS)

Commonly called Natural Family Planning (NFP), these methods are based on the changes in the cervical mucus or basal body temperature of the woman during her menstrual cycle. It is an educational process of planning or postponing pregnancy based on observation and

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interpretation by the couple of naturally occurring signs and symptoms of the fertile and infertile phases of the womans menstrual cycle. This means couples need to be knowledgeable of the identifiable signs of their fertility. Options are available to manage their natural fertility to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Simply, it means the accurate time of the couple to make love during the fertile phase to achieve pregnancy or to make love during the infertile phase to space or postpone pregnancy. Advantages of NFP 1. Highly effective. When learned and used properly, it is ranked as among the most effective methods of regulating fertility. 2. Natural. The methods encourage and respect the natural processes. There are no risks to health nor are there any harmful side effects or interventions. 3. Simple to learn. The methods are based on natural, observable changes in a womans body. 4. Inexpensive. Aside from the minimal expenses in the purchase of charts and the onetime fee for the materials and teaching, the couple does not incur other expenses. 5. Reversible. The methods can be used any time to plan or avoid pregnancy; no waiting period. 6. Life-long use. Once learned, the methods can be used in all phases of life, especially that of the woman (breastfeeding, pre-menopause, etc.). 7. Empowerment. The methods provide greater self-awareness and independence; develops self-confidence as the couple begins to recognize the physical and psychological influence of cyclical hormones in the woman making it easier for them to adapt when changes occur. 8. Builds relationship. The methods foster positive communication between the couple. The man learns to know the woman in her physical and hormonal changes and the woman appreciates the mans attention to her individuality and acceptance of her cyclical fertility. The couple has to agree not only in the initial choice of the method but in its ongoing use. When fully integrated into their lives, the methods call for constant dialogue between the couple; thus, helping build their relationship.

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The illustration below shows how a couple may become an NFP user or practitioner:

HOW TO BECOME AN NFP USER/PRACTITIONER

The Different Natural Family Planning Methods Below are the general descriptions of the different NFP methods. To use them, a couple should, as much as possible, consult NFP workers in their area or qualified teacher-users of the method of their choice to avoid disappointment that the method did not work for them. Lactational Amenorrhea Method (LAM) This method takes advantage of the normal physiologic response of the womans body to a suckling infant which is to inhibit ovulation. It makes use of full or almost full breastfeeding immediately after giving birth until six (6) months after delivery provided the mother has no menses yet.

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For LAM to be effective, three requirements should be present: The baby is 6 months or less The mothers monthly period has not returned The baby is fully breastfed.

LAM is up to six months only; the couple therefore is advised to learn another natural method before the six months end or when the first menstruation after childbirth occurs. Cervical Mucus Method (CMM) This method includes (Billings Ovulation Method, Mercedes Wilson Method and Two Day Method). The method involves the daily observation by the woman of the naturally occuring changes of the cervical mucus during the different phases of a womans menstrual cycle. The sensation of wetness or dryness are observed throughout the day and recorded in a learning chart. A couple using this method notes the changes in a womans cervical mucus using a learning chart. To effectively practice this method, the couple, especially the woman, should do the following: 1. The woman must consciously observe the quality of her cervical mucus in what she sees and what she feels throughout the day. 2. She should observe the sensation of wetness or dryness and the appearance of the mucus outside the vagina. 3. The best time is to observe before or after urinating. Observation starts on the first day of menstruation. 4. The woman does the observation by asking How do I feel? and by looking at the mucus in her underwear and asking, What do I see? Observations must be recorded in the evening before going to bed. This should be done at the end of the day because the most fertile sign of the day must be recorded in a learning chart as a guide for fertile and infertile days. Couples who want to use Cervical Mucus Method should seek assistance from userteachers in their neighborhood or in church-based organizations or from trained NFP providers in health centers. Responsible Parenting Handbook 55

Below is a sample chart of this method:

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Two-Day Method (TDM) The two-day method is a simple fertility awareness-based method of natural family planning that involves cervical secretions as indicator of fertility and the woman checking the presence of secretions every day. It is one of the Cervical Mucus methods but is given a separate treatment here because it is new and is still being mainstreamed. If a woman notices any secretion today or yesterday, she should consider herself fertile and the couple should avoid lovemaking if they do not want a pregnancy to occur. In other words, the woman is considered fertile if she noticed any secretion for two successive days. The method can be used by women with cycles of any length and has normal secretions. What is needed is the womans willingness to check her secretions everyday and the discipline of the couple to abstain for several consecutive days each cycle if the indications suggest that the woman is fertile.

Basal Body Temperature (BBT) With the use of a thermometer, a couple takes the body temperature of the woman at almost the same time each morning before she gets out of bed and notes how it changes in a learning chart. By charting the daily temperature of the woman, a couple will be able to identify the fertile and infertile days. The womans temperature rises 0.2 to 0.5 degrees around the time of ovulation. In this method, the couple avoids lovemaking from the first day of menstruation until the temperature has risen above her regular temperature and stayed up for three full days. After this, the couple can have their lovemaking until her next menstrual bleeding begins.

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Below is a sample of a BBT chart:

Sympto-thermal Method (STM) This is a combination of the observation of the cervical mucus changes, low and high temperature changes, and secondary signs and symptoms of fertility before and after ovulation. A couple notes the mucus and takes the temperature of the body at rest in a learning chart. The couple should avoid lovemaking until the rules have been applied on both the peak day and the shift in temperature. These rules are derived from the cervical mucus method and the BBT method described above. 58 Responsible Parenting Handbook

Below is a sample of an STM chart:

Standard Days Method (SDM) The Standard Days Method is a modern scientific method of family planning based on fertility awareness. It helps a woman know her fertile days by simply counting the days of her cycle, starting with the first day of menstruation. It identifies days 8-19 of the cycle as the fertile period when pregnancy may occur if there is intercourse. Days 1-7 and the rest of the days after day 19 are identified as non-fertile days. SDMs fertile window of days 8-19 has been standardized and is applicable only for women whose menstrual cycles range from 26 to 32 days. Responsible Parenting Handbook 59

The couple uses a color-coded device called the cycle beads to mark the fertile and infertile days of the menstrual cycle. The cycle beads has 32 beads representing the days in the menstrual cycle. It has one red bead that represents the first day of menstruation, followed by six brown beads that represent the days that the woman cannot get pregnant. Next to the brown beads are 12 white beads that represent the days that the woman can get pregnant and 13 brown beads that also represent the days the woman cannot get pregnant.

Among the 13 beads is a dark brown bead that marks the 26th day of the womans cycle. If the next menstruation occurs before this bead, then the woman has a cycle less than 26 days. The couple therefore cannot use the method because the woman has a short menstrual cycle. Between the last brown bead and the red bead is a small black bead. If the womans next menstruation fall on or beyond this bead, then the woman has a cycle longer that 32 days. In this case, because the woman has a long menstrual cycle , the couple should seek advice from a qualified NFP or SDM facilitator.

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A rubber ring that fits around the beads is used to mark the days in the cycle that are represented by the colored beads. On the first day of menstruation, the rubber ring is moved to the red bead and the date of the first day of menstruation is recorded in the SDM Card. The record can be used later when the couple could not remember whether the marker was moved of not. Every morning the marker is moved to the next bead. The marker should be moved in the same direction, from the narrow to the wide end of the bead. The marker is moved even on days that the woman has her period. On the day the next period starts again, the marker is moved again to the red bead. This means a new cycle has started. SDM was developed by the Institute for Reproductive Health of Georgetown University, the oldest Catholic university in the United States.

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Bibliography
Carpio, Relly. Keys to a Satisfying Marriage in Health News, June 3, 2002 pp. 30-31. Commission on Population (POPCOM). Philippine Pre-Marriage Information, Second Edition, Makati. 1981. ______. Directional Plan for the Philippine Population Management Program 2001-2004. Mandaluyong City. 2000. ______. Sexually Healthy and Personally Effective (SHAPE) Training Module, Mandaluyong City. 2000. Department of Health. Training Manual on Pre-Marriage Counseling, Manila. 1996. Department of Social Welfare and Development. A Handbook on Parent Effectiveness Service, Quezon City. 1981. _____, Manual on Effective Parenting, Module 1: Myself as a Person and as a Parent, Quezon City. 2001. Fernandez, Gil, PhD, M.A., M.P.H. Health and Home. March to April 1997. http://add.com/cs/forwomen/a/tipswomen.html http://childcare about.com./od/volunteerism/tp/relations.htm, Oct. 19,2006 Medina, Belen T. G. The Filipino Family: A Text With Selected Readings, Quezon City. 1991. Mendez, Paz Policarpio, The Filipino Family in Transition. 1984. Ministry of Health, POPCOM, and Population Center Foundation. The Family Health Guide; Second Edition. 1986. Ohio State University Fact Sheet. Community Development http://ohioline.osu.edu/cd-fact/ 1006.html accessed October 12, 2006. Sitagila, Rupa. Better Marriages, New Delhi. 2003. Tagle Jr., Ramon A. Towards a Responsible Parenthood and Family Life. Manila, Asian Social Institute Inc. 1974, 1991. Tagle Jr., Ramon A. and Erlinda de Ungria-Tagle. Becoming Two in One Flesh: A Book on Human Sexuality. Manila, Abiva Publishing House, Inc., 2000. Tanseco, Ruben M, S.J. Religion and Responsible Parenthood in Salas Forum Papers on Population Development and Environment. Quezon City. 1996. Tumangday, Miriam Sarno. Home Builders Enhancing Relationships with Your Spouse and Children. Manila, Philippine Publishing House. 2002. White, Ellen Gould. Growing a Responsible Child, Family Life Growth Series, Vol. 2. 62 Responsible Parenting Handbook

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