1

THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS

WRITTEN BY NICK & MATT LANG
MUSIC & LYRICS BY JEFF BLIM

Scene 1: ‘The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals’

[ENSEMBLE]
OOH, OOH

[MR. DAVIDSON & ENSEMBLE]

THE GREATEST STORIES EVER TOLD (OOH...)
HAVE A HERO WHO MUST BE BOLD (OOH...)
THEY LEARN A SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG (OOH...)
AND BETTER LEARN THIS SENSE THROUGH SONG (OOH...)

[CHARLOTTE & ENSEMBLE]

MUSICALS TELL THE IMPOSSIBLE (IMPOSSIBLE)
THEY EVOKE THE PHILOSOPHICAL, YEAH!

[TED]
SO TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA CHRONICLE
A STORY SO ASTRONOMICAL

[ALL]
THE LAST REMAINING STORY TO TELL

[MR. DAVIDSON & ENSEMBLE]

THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK! (DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
HE'S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM
YEAH, WHAT THE FUCK? (DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
 2

[BILL]
IN THE TINY TOWN OF HATCHETFIELD
LIVED AN AWFUL GRINCH NAMED PAUL

[MELISSA]
SPENDS HIS DAY SURFING THE WEB
AND NOT SINGING AND DANCING WITH US ALL

[ALL]
SHOULD WE KILL HIM?
SHOULD WE KILL HIM?

[EMMA]
OH, HE PINES AFTER A CUTE LIL' BARISTA
ISN’T THAT WORTH A SHOW-STOPPING FIESTA, YEAH?

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS]
BUT FOR SOME DAMN REASON
HE WON’T JOIN OUR SINGING SEASON

[MR. DAVIDSON, BILL & MELISSA]

WHAT AN ASS!

[MR. DAVIDSON, BILL, MELISSA, CHARLOTTE & EMMA]

WHAT A BITCH!

[ALL]
WHAT A CO-OCK!

[MR. DAVIDSON & ENSEMBLE]

THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM
 3

I MEAN, WHAT THE FU CK! (DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE
'EM)
HE'S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS, NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA
(DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE
'EM)
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD, PAUL (END OF THE WORLD)

IF YOU DON’T SING (IF YOU DON'T SING)

[MELISSA & ENSEMBLE]

THIS IS THE BRIDGE, PAUL (THIS IS THE BRIDGE)
WHERE WE GLOBALIZE EVERYTHING

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS]
AND THE WORDS WILL COME TO YOU
WE SWEAR WE WILL TEACH YOU

[ALL]
WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE
WHAT IT MEANS TO OBEY, PAUL!

[MR. DAVIDSON, SPOKEN]

THE APOTHEOSIS IS UPON US

[ALL, SPOKEN]
YAY!

[MR. DAVIDSON & ENSEMBLE]

DID YOU HEAR THE WORD?
WHAT'S THE WORD?

[MR. DAVIDSON & CHARLOTTE]

HE’S A-COMIN'
 4

[ENSEMBLE]
WHO’S A-COMIN'?

[MR. DAVIDSON & CHARLOTTE]

PAUL’S A-COMIN'

[ENSEMBLE]
PAUL’S A-COMIN'?

[ALL]
THE STAR OF THE SHOW

[TED]
NOW FOR HIS HEADLINING ENTRANCE

[EMMA & CHARLOTTE]

TIME TO SWOON AT HIS LEADING MAN ESSENCE

[BILL & PROFESSOR HIDGENS]

HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE

[MR. DAVIDSON & MELISSA]

HE’S DESTINED TO GO VIRAL
HERE HE IS, HIS NAME IS PAUL

[ALL]
ENTER NOW!

[MR. DAVIDSON, SPOKEN]

WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?

[BILL, SPOKEN]
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE

[MR. DAVIDSON, WOMEN, PROFESSOR HIDGENS]

 5

THE GUY JUST DOESN’T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL, GOTTA BELIEVE IN
STUPID PAUL
YEAH! (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM (GOTTA BELIEVE IN
SOMETHING, PAUL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT)
HE'S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! (GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL, GOTTA
BELIEVE IN STUPID PAUL)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! (DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
WHOO! (GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT)

AND HE DEFINITELY WON'T LIKE THIS! (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,

DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! (GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL, GOTTA
BELIEVE IN STUPID PAUL)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE THEM (GOTTA BELIEVE IN
SOMETHING, PAUL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT)
HE'S THE GUY WHO DIDN'T LIKE MUSICALS (DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE,
DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM)
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! (GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL, GOTTA
BELIEVE IN STUPID PAUL)
DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE-A-LIKE 'EM
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! (DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE THEM)
GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING...

[ALL]
PAUL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
 6

Scene 2: The Office

(PAUL was and co-workers reside in their office, typing away on their
keyboards)

[BILL]
Hey, Paul?

[PAUL]
Yeah?

[BILL]
I was trying to print something… I think I might have sent it to your computer.

[PAUL]
(Reaches into the printer, handing BILL his paper) Yep. Uh, just remember…
You want to print from the HP Laserjet, not the HP Inkjet.

[BILL]
Right. Sorry, Paul.

[PAUL]
It’s fine.

[MR. DAVIDSON]
(Enters) Hey, Paul, can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day?

[PAUL]
Yes, Mr. Davidson.
 7

[MR. DAVIDSON]
Great. (Exits)

[MELISSA]
(Enters) Hi, Paul!

[PAUL]
Hey, Melissa.

[MELISSA]
Were you gonna sign up for the company softball league?

[PAUL]
No.

[MELISSA]
Oh… Well, it might be fun.

[PAUL]
Yeah, I don’t want to though.

[MELISSA]
Okay… Well, Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by the end of the
day.

[PAUL]
Will do!
 8

(Phone rings)

[CHARLOTTE]
(Answers phone) C.C.R.P. Technical, this is Charlotte! How can I help? Oh, hi
Sam! How are things down at the precinct? Well, I’m sorry to hear that. My
day’s been-- Uh- Oh… How late? But- but, sweetheart.. Sweetheart, but it’s
cuddle night… What do you mean ‘so what?’ The counselor says we should
do it at least once a month! Yes, but… Yes, but honey we skipped last
month… Well, don’t you think I’m tired, too? Alright… Maybe tomorrow night
then, huh? No, no, you’re right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it
is! Alright. Well, you take care, Sam. And, Sam, be careful because I love
you-- … Sam? (Puts down phone and pulls out cigarette) That was Sam…
He’s doin’ just fine… Counseling’s working out real swell…

[PAUL]
Oh- Charlotte, I’m sorry. You can’t smoke in here…

[CHARLOTTE]
Huh?

(PAUL gestures to cigarette)

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh! I didn’t even realize…

[PAUL]
It’s okay.

(Charlotte puts away the cigarette and pulls out a flask, taking a sip)
 9

[PAUL]
Well, I’m gonna go get some coffee from Beanie’s. Anyone wanna come?
Bill?

[BILL]
I can’t… I gotta keep refreshing this webpage… See, I got Alice for one more
night before she goes home to Clivesdale. Her mother, just to make me look
small, took her all the way to New York to see Hamilton… And she loved it! So
to prove a point to my ex-wife that two can play that game, I’m on HotTix right
now! The moment more become available, I’m getting two tickets for tonight.
Because guess what, Paul? It’s finally here! At the old Starlight Theatre in
downtown Hatchetfield… The touring production of Mamma Mia!

[PAUL]
Wow, she’ll like that just as much as Hamilton.

[BILL]
It’s a musical! Hey, you want to tag along? Alice would get a kick out of it.
Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school?

[PAUL]
Yeah…

[BILL]
She thinks you're cool! Maybe you could talk me up a bit? Let her know her ol’
dad’s pretty cool, too!

[PAUL]
Bill… No. Sorry.
 10

[BILL]
You got other plans?

[PAUL]
No.

[BILL]
So you’d rather do nothing than come with us to see Mamma Mia?

[PAUL]
Bill, I’d rather do anything than go see Mamma Mia. The idea of sitting there,
trapped in a musical… That’s my own personal hell.

[BILL]
I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re just gonna leave me
hanging?

[PAUL]
Yeah. Sorry. But, hey! I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s. My treat. What
do you want?

[BILL]
I just want my daughter back…

[PAUL]
… How about an iced caramel frappe! Nothing better!
 11

(Enter TED)
[TED]
Hey, you going to Beanie’s?

[PAUL]
Yeah.

[TED]
You didn’t invite me.

[PAUL]
Sorry, Ted. Do you want to come?

[TED]
No, no, no, no, no… I don’t wanna ‘show you up,’ yeah?

[PAUL]
What do you mean?

[TED]
Paul, come on. I know why you walk that extra block instead of going to
Starbucks across the street.

[PAUL]
I don’t want to give my money to some corporate chain…

[TED]
 12

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh… You sure it doesn’t have anything to do with that
cute little barista over there, huh?

[PAUL]
That’s not the reason.

[TED]
Yeah, the “Latte Hottay!?” As she’s known throughout the land. Right? It’s
like… (in Borat voice) “My wife!” Haha. Right? (Beat) It’s like Borat, dude…

[PAUL]
Alright. Bye, Ted. (Exits)

[TED]
Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh!? Eh!? Ehhhh… (Exits)

Scene 3: Beanie’s
(Set change to Beanie’s. Bell rings. MAN IN A HURRY enters)

[EMMA]
Hi, can I help you?

[MAN IN A HURRY]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup of ten
pumps of hazelnut, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle, with whip on
top?

[EMMA]
Sure. That’ll be $5.50.
 13

[MAN IN A HURRY]
(Turning to EMMA) Jesus, fine. (Tips her) Hey!

[EMMA]
Yeah?

[MAN IN A HURRY]
I just tipped you.

[EMMA]
Oh, well, thank you.

[MAN IN A HURRY]
Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says “Tip for a song.”

[EMMA]
Yeah, um, that’s like a new thing… The owner went to Cold Stone Creamery
over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing, but, you know,
there’s a line and people are working. I don’t want to disturb anyone.

[MAN IN A HURRY]
Haha, I don’t care. I just tipped you, come on.

[EMMA]
Okay. Well, did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole?

[MAN IN A HURRY]
 14

Fine, I’ll take it back then!

[EMMA]
Oh no! What am I gonna do without that DOLLAR I have to split with five other
people?

[MAN IN A HURRY]
You know what? I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s bullshit!
(PAUL enters)

[EMMA]
Oh my god, so mean! (Flips off MAN IN A HURRY)

(MAN IN A HURRY exits. NORA enters)

[NORA]
Emma, what’s the deal over here?

[EMMA]
That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason.

[HOT CHOCOLATE BOY]

(Enter) She wouldn’t sing for him. And I still haven’t gotten my hot chocolate.

[EMMA]
Oh, sorry, I’ll get right on that.

[HOT CHOCOLATE BOY]

 15

I have very low blood sugar. (Exits)

[NORA]
I’m so sorry, sir. We’ll get you a voucher. Jesus, Emma, come on. I already
warned you twice!

[EMMA]
It’s embarrassing, Nora! I mean, god, maybe Zoey’s okay with the whole
singing thing because she majored in theatre. (ZOEY enters)

[ZOEY]
I think it’s a really fun idea, Nora.

[EMMA]
Why aren’t you working?

[ZOEY]
Oh, I’m on vocal rest.

[EMMA]
What?

[ZOEY]
(Louder) I’m on vocal re- Godammit, Emma. Now, I need to make a tea with
honey, okay. Oh my god… (Exits)

[EMMA]
Look, can’t Zoey just do the singing? I don’t like it.
 16

[NORA]
Huh, okay. So then you must not like having a job here then, hm? You know
what? Just don’t even bother showing up for your next shift.

[EMMA]
What? Are you serious? Wait, wait, wait wait! Wait… I will do the singing.

[NORA]
Yeah, you will. Now, move your ass. You got a line.

[EMMA]
(Turns to PAUL) Hi, can I help you?

[PAUL]
Uh, yeah, I got an easy one for you. Just a cup of black coffee. (Tips)

[EMMA]
Jesus! Really? (With reluctance) (Singing)

I’VE BEEN BREWING UP YOUR COFFEE-

[PAUL]
Oh no, no, no. No, no, no. Uh, I’m sorry. No, I don’t need you to sing. I just
tipped you because, you know… People should tip.

[EMMA]
 17

Well, thank you. I mean because if I have to sing for it, it’s not really a tip,
right? It’s just like I have another shitty paying job on top of my already shitty
paying job! ‘Cause I mean, most of my tips are less than a buck? So after the
split, I’m making, like, not even 25 cents a song. That is less than a fucking
jukebox! Only a jukebox also doesn’t have to make coffee for these assholes.
Uh, not that you’re an asshole. Well, maybe you are. What’d you tip? (Pulls
PAUL’s tip from jar) Five bucks! You meant this just for me, right? Like I don’t
have to split this with anyone…

[PAUL]
Oh, no, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them.

[EMMA]
That’s very sweet. God, I’m just so sick of Nora and Zoey who is technically
my manager, even though she is ten years younger than me. Ugh. She hired
all of her little theatre friends and they will not (Singing) shut the fuck up
(Speaking) about some shitty production of Godspell they did last summer.

[PAUL]
Oh, that was the one at the rec center, right? I think I had to see that. I did not
like it.

[EMMA]
(Preparing coffee) Yeah. It sucked, right?

[PAUL]
Yeah. Yeah, they shouldn’t call it “Godspell.” More like “god-awful.”

[EMMA]
Yeah. Or, like, “god-damn-that-was-bad.”
 18

[PAUL]
Yeah! Hahaha… I don’t like musicals. Uh, watching people sing and dance
makes me very uncomfortable.

[EMMA]
Well then why did you come to the singing coffee shop? You know, there’s a
Starbucks across the street. (Hands PAUL his black coffee)

[PAUL]
Oh, uh… Well, you know, some things are worth it. Like, (Takes a sip) damn
good coffee.

[EMMA]
I see you in here all the time, don’t I? What’s your name?

[PAUL]
Paul.

[EMMA]
Hi Paul. I’m Emma.

[HOT CHOCOLATE BOY]

Excuse me. I have been waiting a very long while…

[EMMA]
Sorry, sorry!

[PAUL]
 19

Okay, uh… Bye, Emma! (Bell chimes) (Paul exits) Emma… Oh shoot! I forgot
Bill’s caramel frappe. Eh, fuck Bill.

Scene 4: The Meteor

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
(Enters) Hi, can I talk to you about saving the planet? (MAN IN A HURRY
walks by) No. (To different man) Um, do you have a few minutes to talk about
saving the planet? (To HOMELESS MAN) Hello.

[HOMELESS MAN]
Hey.

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
(As PAUL enters) Hi! Are you interested in saving the planet?

[PAUL]
Uh, yes I am, but I just got off work…

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Well you know, it’ll just take a few minutes. It’s for the planet, so…

[PAUL]
Yeah, but I…

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
(Interrupting) I just want to tell you about how you can contribute to
Greenpeace’s efforts all around the globe.

[PAUL]
 20

Oh! Greenpeace?

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Yeah!

[PAUL]
You know what? I- I’m actually already signed up with you guys. I already
give!

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Oh, well, that’s really generous of you. Do you know about our new campaign
to save the sea turtles?

[PAUL]
Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been getting the emails. Been reading all about it.

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Really? Uh, the campaign that doesn’t exist? The one that I just made up?
(Beat) You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you?

[PAUL]
You know that money you’re raising? You know, how much of it actually goes
to the turtles.

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Well, none of it, I just made that up.

[PAUL]
 21

That’s right none. It goes to line the pockets of some corporate big-wigs. I give
my money directly to the people who need it.

[HOMELESS MAN]
(Enters) Oh! Spare change for the homeless?

[PAUL]
Sorry, I don’t have anything.

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Wow, you’re a real humanitarian.

[PAUL]
And you’ve come on a little strong with that whole “save the planet” bit. As if
I’m gonna do that single-handedly…

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
Well, you know what…

(Lightning and Thunder)

[PAUL]
(Pointing to sky) What is… that? (Exits with GREENPEACE GIRL)

[CHARLOTTE]
(Enters) Oh, Heavens to Betsy… There’s some kind of terrible storm out
there. Hope Sam’s alright…
 22

[TED]
(Enters shirtless) Fuck Sam. Come back to bed. Alright?

[CHARLOTTE]
Alright Ted, but this has to be the last time.

[TED]
Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time! If you don’t like what
we’re doing here, there’s the door.

(Thunder rumble, TED and CHARLOTTE exit)

[EMMA]
(Enters with ZOEY) Oh God, cherry on top of an already perfect day! Zoey,
you need a ride?

[ZOEY]
In your shitty car? Yeah, I’d rather not crash and die. It’s fine, thank you.

[EMMA]
Great. (Exits)

[SAM]
(Enters) Excuse me, ma’am, but I got a warrant to inspect the junk in your
trunk.

[ZOEY]
 23

Oh, Sam you’re such an asshole, okay… But I guess you’re here now, so…
Hey, I have a little present for ya’. These two tickets to Mamma Mia? (Pulls
out tickets)

[SAM]
(Snatches tickets) (with enthusiasm) No way! You got ‘em!? I never miss a
musical at the Starlight. And if anyone thinks that makes me less of a man,
they can talk to my fucking gun! (Thunder erupts) (Exits with ZOEY)

[BILL]
(Enters, speaking to ALICE over the phone) Holy hell, it's raining cats and
dogs! Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up? Okay. Yes. I got a ticket
for Deb and after the show, we’re gonna go to your favorite restaurant! Red
Lobster! Yes, I know Deb’s a vegetarian. They got fish. Vegan? Uh… It’s
crabfest! Alice, you’re killing me! (Thunder erupts, BILL exits)

(Enter DANNY, SMOKE CLUB GIRL, DEB, AND ALICE)

[ALICE]
(Over the phone) Alright, Dad, well we’ll meet you at the theater, ok? (Hangs
up)

[DANNY]
(Smoking rapidly with SMOKE CLUB GIRL) Take a hit, Alice!

[ALICE]
I don’t think I oughta.

[DEB]
Look, she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to, okay?
 24

[DANNY]
Come on, Deb! That’s not how it works! You’re either in the Smoke Club or
you’re out!

[DEB]
Okay, well then maybe we’re out. Come on, Alice. Those guys are assholes
anyway… (thunder rumble) Woah, what’s that coming through the clouds?
(Lightning) (exits)

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS]
(Enters, looking into sky) Good God! Alexa, it's happening! Come on, you
bastard! You don’t think I’m ready for you? I've been waiting in the wings. The
stage is set. It’s showtime! (Thunder rumbles) (exits)

(Lightning flashes) (News jingle)

Scene 5: ‘La Dee Da Da Day’

[DAN]
This is the morning Hatchetfield News with Dan and Donna!

[DONNA]
They said he wouldn’t make it. That he had fallen from too great a height, but
this little guy beat the odds and captured our hearts. Now weighing in at
almost 10 ounces, Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel has outgrown his
adopted father’s pocket.

[PAUL]
Peanuts!
 25

[DONNA]
Luckily, proud Papa Ed has been squirreling away on his GoFundMe page to
build Peanuts his very own, get this Dan, squirrel house!

[DAN]
Huh, that’s amazing!

[DONNA]
And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield, this time
from outer space! The meteor came-

[PAUL]
(Turns off television and exits home) (Music starts) (nearly bumps into
someone on his way to work) Sorry! (Takes notice of the fact that they seem
oblivious to his existence, and are dancing) That was interesting. (Two people
pass him, dancing) Seems like a lot. (GREENPEACE GIRL enters)
(addressing her) Hey, did you see… Oh, you again. Look, I’m not a bad guy,
okay? I've given to charities in the past…

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
(Sung) YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!

JUST A TYPICAL DAY

THAT'S GOT ME FEELING
IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY
NO RHYME OR REASON
WE COULD SING A DUET
DANCE A STYLE OR TWO
OR I'LL MAKE YOU A BET
JUST A SMILE WILL DO!
 26

SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA SHOUT

ON TOP OF ROOF AND MOUNTAIN TOPS
ALL THE WORLD IS PAVED IN GOLD
YESTERDAY IS RETROACTIVE
GOT MYSELF A NEW PERSPECTIVE
I STRUT IT UP AND DOWN THE ROAD

SO I THROW OUT MY WORRIES

AND MY OLD SKIN AWAY
DOING WHAT I WANT TO
ON THIS LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

[ENSEMBLE]
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY

[ENSEMBLE]
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

LA DEE DAH DAH

LA DEE DAH DAH
 27

LA DEE DAH DAH DAY

LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
What the fuck was that?

[HOMELESS MAN, SPOKEN]

Oh, spare change for the homeless?

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
Sorry, I don’t have anything.

[HOMELESS MAN, SPOKEN]

Hey man, that’s cool.

(SUNG)
'CAUSE I MAY NOT HAVE A HOME
BUT THAT'S WAY OKAY
'CAUSE I PREFER TO ROAM
THE STREETS ALL DAY
THE WORLD IS MY HOUSE
THE DOGS ARE MY FOOD
OH, LOOK—A NEW BLOUSE!
AND A NEW TRASH CAN TOO!

I USED TO WANT TO KILL THEM ALL

 28

WHILE HIGH ON BATH SALT ZOMBIE DRUGS

AND SNACKING ON A DEAD MAN'S FACE
BUT THAT JUST FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY
THIS SONG TAKES ALL THE PAIN AWAY
MY POLITICS AND HOUSE VIEWS CHANGED

DANCING ON THE CONCRETE

USED TO HURT A LOT
BUT NOW I GOT NEW FEET
AND THIS JAM'S JUST WAY TOO HOT

[ENSEMBLE]
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

LA DEE DAH DAH

LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

LA DEE DAH DAH

LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
Okay, okay, here— Take it! Uh, what’s going on here?! I'm very confused and
concerned by all this...
 29

[GREENPEACE GIRL, SUNG]

DO YOU WANNA SAVE THE PLANET?

[ENSEMBLE]
OF COURSE YOU WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
DO YOU WANNA SAVE THE PLANET?

[ENSEMBLE]
WELL, THERE'S JUST ONE WAY YOU CAN DO IT

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
BY SINGING A SONG

[ENSEMBLE]
SINGING A SONG

[GREENPEACE GIRL & ENSEMBLE]

SINGING ALONG!

[ENSEMBLE (OVERLAPPING)]
LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH
DAH DEE DAH DEE
 30

DAH DAH
DAY!

LA DEE DAH DAH

LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

LA DEE DAH DAH

LA DEE DAH DAH
LA DEE DAH DAH DAY
DAY...
AWAY...

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
LA DEE DAH DAH

[ENSEMBLE]
DAY!

(Dancing and singing group is all posed around PAUL at the end of the song)

[ALL BUT PAUL]

Lights down! Oh my god… (Quick change. Quick change. Quick change.)

[PAUL]
(Startled) Okay. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay!
 31

Scene 6: ‘What Do You Want, Paul?’

(Scene shifts to office)

[BILL]
(Enters with TED and CHARLOTTE) Now, I get that Alice is eighteen. She’s a
senior. She’s got her own life, but I only get my daughter for one week a
month, and she wants to spend that whole time with her girlfriend, Deb. So I
say, “Bring Deb along, we’ll all go see the show.” And would you believe it?
We get there and the whole theatre was exploded by a god dang METEOR!
Mamma Mia! (CHARLOTTE pours sugar into coffee pot continuously) Huge
hole right through the marquee and everything! Can you believe that,
Charlotte? Charlotte? You got enough coffee in the sugar?

[CHARLOTTE]
Huh? Oh! I didn’t even realize. Sorry. I’ll make another pot. Coffee in the
sugar. (Laughs) … Bill, you’re a riot. (Giggles) Coffee in the sugar…

[PAUL]
(Enters) Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey guys, is today some kind of, I don’t know,
Canadian holiday or something? Like uh… International Music Day or…?

[BILL]
Not that I know of.

[PAUL]
Okay, ‘cause I just, uh… (Laughs) I just saw some people dancing and
singing like they were in a musical. There was this homeless guy and this very
rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number…

[TED]
 32

Like a flashmob?

[PAUL]
Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been, right?

[TED]
Well, did you get a video of it?

[PAUL]
No.

[TED]
You’re fucking useless, Paul.

[PAUL]
Yeah, I just have a bad feeling about all this. Charlotte? Have you noticed
anything strange?

[CHARLOTTE]
What? No. Oh, it’s silly. Um… It’s just… Um… It’s Sam, my husband. He said
he was coming home late last night.

[TED]
Heh! He didn’t get home at all! (Coughs awkwardly) Uh, I heard, I wasn’t
there.

[CHARLOTTE]
He must have rolled in around 6:00 this morning. He was in the shower when I
woke up. I could hear him. He was… singing. And I know this is a strange
 33

thing to realize, because, well, Sam’s not a… BAD singer. He’s just always
been a little… flat. But not this morning. Today he… he sounded like an angel.
And I don’t know why, but it frightened me. It just… it didn’t sound like MY
Sam. Oh, I must sound silly. I’m probably just imagining things…

[PAUL]
Charlotte? Do you remember WHAT Sam was singing?

[CHARLOTTE]
It was just a silly little song. Something like, um, “la, dee, (PAUL joins in)
dah…”

[PAUL]
“Dah, day?” (CHARLOTTE and PAUL look at eachother in disbelief)

[MELISSA]
Paul. Mr. Davidson wants to see you in his office.

[PAUL]
Oh shoot, I forgot to hand in my weekly reports yesterday. I’m gonna get it!

[TED]
Ah, ho ho ho ho ho!

(Scene shifts to MR. DAVIDSON’S office, the man himself has a newspaper
covering his face)

[PAUL]
 34

Hey Mr. Davidson, I think I know why you called me in here today. My weekly
reports were not turned in yesterday, not because they’re not done. They are
done. There’s a problem with the printer network, you see, you try to print
something over here, it gets sent over there. (Laughs nervously) I bet my
report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray right now. You give me til the
end of the day, I can find it… Not do it. I- I- I wouldn’t just not do my statistical
analysis. (Laughs nervously) That would really gum things up here in the
office. And that’s the last thing I want—

(Piano note as MR. DAVIDSON lowers his newspaper)

[MR. DAVIDSON]
WHAT DO YOU WANT, PAUL?
TELL ME WHAT YOU DESIRE TO SEE
YOUR DEEPEST INTENT, PAUL
WHAT DO YOU SEE FOR THIS COMPANY?
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WITH STRONG AMBITION
SOMEONE TO SELL THEIR SPECIFIC VISION
SOMEONE TO SHARE WITH PRECISE PRECISION THEIR THOUGHTS
'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO WANT
TO WANT

(SPOKEN)
So, what do you want Paul? What’s that one concrete goal that motivates all
your actions?

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
I don’t think I have one of those!

[MR. DAVIDSON, SPOKEN]

 35

Well, then how is anyone supposed to sympathize with you, Paul?

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
I don’t know, I want what anyone wants? Money, a partner? Kids, someday,
maybe?

[MR. DAVIDSON]
I WANT YOU TO WANT, PAUL
A MAN SO VAGUE JUST CAN'T BE TRUSTED
SOMETHING YOU PINE FOR
MAYBE SOMEONE WHO KEEPS YOU LUSTED
I'M JUST A BOSS, I'M NOT AN IDEA GUY
I HIRE YOU PAULS TO KEEP OUR STOCK HIGH
BUT IF YOU CAN'T PIN THE POINT THAT'S IN THE SKY
THEN I WANT YOU TO WANT!
TO WANT

D'YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF?

I'VE WAITED FOR SO LO-ONG
TO TELL SOMEBODY ELSE

CAROL, MY WIFE
YOU'RE MY MUSE, MY SOURCE OF LIGHT
CAROL, MY LOVE
I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ME OUT AT NIGHT

I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ME

I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ME
 36

I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ME WHILE I JERK OFF

I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ME WHILE I JERK OFF

(SPOKEN)
Melissa, get my wife on the phone for me.

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
Mr. Davidson, I think I should leave!

[MR. DAVIDSON, SPOKEN]

No, Paul, I want you to hear this, if you leave, you're fired.

Carol! Yes, everything's fine, I promise. I just wanted to tell you something. I
uh, I forgot what it was. Maybe someday I'll remember. Goodbye...

(SUNG)
PAUL, NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO WANT

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
I wanna go home!

[MR. DAVIDSON]
IT CONSUMES A MAN WITH A PASSION
TO DRIVE THE PRIMARY PLOT
SO TAKE UP YOGA OR IMPROV CLASSES
VOLUNTEER AT SHELTERS OR TWITCH TO THE MASSES

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING THAT'LL KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU

 37

OFF YOU

'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO WANT!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
I'm gonna go get some coffee, do you want anything?

[MR. DAVIDSON]
NO, I NEED YOU TO WANT!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
How about an iced caramel frappe, nothing better!

[MR. DAVIDSON]
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT
WE'RE THROUGH

(SPOKEN)
Paul? Paul?

(SUNG)
PAUL!

Scene 7: ‘Cup Of Roasted Coffee’

[PAUL]
(On the way out of the office building) Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, alright. This isn’t happening. Get a grip, Paul, you’re
hallucinating. Better yet, you’re still dreaming. You need to wake up, you need
 38

some coffee. That’s it. Just a nice cup of black coffee, nothing in it. No cream.
No sugar. Just black coffee! (Bell chimes as he enters Beanie’s) HELLO?!
HELLO?!? Please God, I just want a black coffee!

[EMMA, SUNG]

BLACK COFFEE,
I’M YOUR COFFEE GAL
HERE’S A COFFEE—

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
No! No! Not you too, Emma, please God stop singing!

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
Okay. Okay. I’ll stop. Oh, I didn’t forget. You’re the guy who doesn’t like
musicals, Paul, right?

[PAUL]
(Sighs) Emma. You’re talking to me like a normal person.

[EMMA]
Uh, yeah, and if my boss catches me, I'll get canned. Uh, new company
policy, not only do we have to sing when people tip, but when they enter,
when they order, all the time apparently!

[PAUL]
Emma, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today.

[EMMA]
 39

Yeah fucking tell me about it. I spent the entire morning learning some
dumbass new tip song, I’m exhausted.

[PAUL]
(Leads her aside) Emma, Emma, Emma, Emma I feel like there’s
something… sinister, infecting Hatchetfield, and I know this is gonna sound
crazy, and not very scary, but it is scary if you think about the implications.
Promise me you’ll think about the implications?

[EMMA]
Okay, okay, I promise.

[PAUL]
Okay, Emma. I think the world is becoming… a musical.

[EMMA]
Um… I—

[PAUL]
Don’t say anything. Let it sink in.

[EMMA]
Okay.

[PAUL]
Okay, now, are you frightened?

[EMMA]
Uh yeah, I think I am starting to get a little frightened…
 40

[PAUL]
You should be, you should be.

[EMMA]
Okay, I think you should sit down and wait for me—

[NORA AND ZOEY]

(In unison) Emma! Tip!~

[EMMA]
Oh, thank God. Sorry Paul, I gotta do this dumbass it song. Sorry!

(Music cue)

[BARISTAS]
GET YOUR CUP OF ROASTED COFFEE
YOUR MORNING CUP OF JOEY
WE'LL MAKE A JAMMING CUP OF JAVA
MOCHA LATTE WITH THE FROTH FOR YOU, JACK

FRAPPUCCINO
WITH THE FRESHLY ROASTED MUNG BEANS
IT'S A CARAMEL DRIZZLE MUD IN A CUP
WITH A DRIP, DRIP, DRIP DRIP, DRIP
AND WE'LL BRING IT RIGHT UP!
 41

[NORA, EMMA & ZOEY, ALL BARISTAS]

HEY MR. BUSINESS (OOH)
HOW DO YOU DO?
CAN WE GET A TRIPLE FOR YOU? (OOH)
DECAF! WHA-AT?
DECAF! WHA-AT?

[ALL BARISTAS]
DOO-DOO DO-DOO-DOO
DO-DOO-DOO DO-DOO-DOO
AND WE'LL BRING IT RIGHT UP!
OY OY OY!

[COFFEE SHOP VISITORS]

*SIP COFFEE*
AH...

[BARISTAS]
AND WE'LL BRING IT
AND WE'LL BRING IT

[NORA]
RIGHT-

[EMMA]
RIGHT-
 42

[ZOEY]
RIGHT-

[BARISTAS]
AND WE'LL BRING IT RIGHT UP!

(Music continues)

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
God, wait. Hey! What is this? There’s more? Nora! Hey! Hey! You know what
alright alright stop stop stop! (Music stops) What is that? A whole other A
section? God! When did you learn that? You know what? When I got this job, I
signed up to serve coffee and cold shitty pastries. If I wanted to be in a
musical, I’d be in a damn musical! Yeah, that’s right Zoey, I was in Brigadoon
in high school and I fucking killed it, but now, I’m just trying to make ends
meet while I work my way through Community College and I can do that just
as easily down the street at Starbucks, I quit.

[NORA AND ZOEY]

(In sing-songy voice) You can't quit Emma.

[EMMA]
Yeah, I sure as hell can.

[NORA AND ZOEY]

The song is so simple. We’ll teach it to you! Why everyone here will be singing
it soon!
 43

(Customers begin coughing)

[EMMA]
What are you talking about?

[NORA AND ZOEY]

They’ve all had their coffee, their apotheosis will be upon them at any
moment.

[EMMA]
Wait, what did you do to their coffee?! (Pulls blue substance out of cup)
Fucking gross!

(Music cues)

[NORA & ZOEY]

GET YOUR CUP OF POISONED COFFEE
YOUR TOXIC CUP OF JOEY!
WE'LL MAKE A TWISTED CUP OF JAVA MOCHA LATTE WITH THE GOO
FOR YOU JACK
JACK, JACK, JACK!

HEY, MR. BUSINESS

[ALL]
HOW DO YOU
HOW DO YOU
HOW DO YOU DO?
 44

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
They’re singing! Why are they all singing?!

[PAUL]
We need to run, Emma! Don’t hold back, just run! (PAUL and EMMA leave
Beanie’s)

[ZOEY, SINGING]
WE GOT A DOUBLE FOR YOU

[COFFEE SHOP VISITOR]

HEY, MR. BUSINESS

[COFFEE SHOP VISITOR AND ZOEY]

AND WE'LL BRING IT RIGHT UP!

(PAUL leads EMMA away from the madness)

Scene 8: ‘Show Me Your Hands’

[PAUL]
Emma, through here! Through here Emma!

[EMMA]
What? No! It’s too narrow!

[PAUL]
 45

No trust me I- used to live around here. It’s uh- a- a- an alleyway near where I
used to live. Nobody will follow us here.

[EMMA]
Who- Who’s decision was it to line an alleyway with tons of shrubs?

[PAUL]
No- I hear it was like, at one point they were going to make it into a park and-

[EMMA]
What?

[PAUL]
They, they were going to make it into a park and then they just stopped.

[EMMA]
Listen- Paul? There are a lot of dead ends around here, I just want to make
sure you know where you’re going?

[PAUL]
No, yeah, so— There’s a dead end here so- I’m sorry, just go the other way
again.

[EMMA]
Alright fine, fine, fine.

[PAUL]
So uh, I know this is probably a bad time, what do you like-, Do you like film?
 46

[EMMA]
Yeah ah, you know what this is, this is a bad time. Wait! Paul!

[PAUL]
Oh wait an alley, how’d I miss that?

[EMMA]
The trash cans, go! Oh my god! What the fuck was that?!

[PAUL]
I told you it was scarier than it sounds!

[EMMA]
You were right, I didn’t think about the implications. Oh my god I didn’t think
about it!

[PAUL]
Emma, Emma, shh… It’s all right, okay?

[BILL]
(Suddenly pops up, scaring them) No, it's not all right, Paul!

[PAUL]
Bill! You scared the shit out of us.

[BILL]
 47

Well how the hell am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the
shit out of you?

[PAUL]
I don’t know give us a warning or something next time, y’know?

[CHARLOTTE]
(Pops up) (repeated banging)

[PAUL]
Charlotte!

[CHARLOTTE]
Sorry, I tried to warn you bu-

[EMMA]
Oh my god! Who are these people?

[PAUL]
They’re my friends from work.

[EMMA]
What are they doing in the trash?

[BILL]
Well we had to find a place to hide. Mr. Davidson kept calling people into his
office and they kept coming out singing!
 48

[CHARLOTTE]
It was the same at the bank, the butcher’s, and the post office.

[PAUL]
It’s all downtown, we were just at Beanie’s!

(Bang)

[TED]
You didn’t invite me?!

[PAUL]
Jesus, Ted!

[TED]
Shh! Shhh! Shut the fuck up, Paul! Alright? If you wanna stay in our hiding
spot, you gotta be quiet. Alright, there’s something going on and we don’t
know what it is or who we can trust so Paul, get in a trash can. You (pointedly
at EMMA) Beat it!

[EMMA]
Uh, fuck you?

[PAUL]
No, no, Emma stays with us.

[TED]
I don’t know her!
 49

[PAUL]
Yeah you do! She’s the… She’s the barista from Beanie’s the- you know, th-
“Latte Hottay.”

[EMMA]
What?

[TED]
Paul, that is not the “Latte Hottay.” That’s the crabby one who won’t sing when
I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one, you noodle! Fuck!

(Police sirens)

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh, oh! Thank god! They’re here! I- I called Sam, he’ll get us out of this! Sam,
sweetheart? Sam, baby? Oh, Sam, thank god you’re here. They’ve gone
crazy! Everyone’s gone crazy.

[SAM]
MA'AM, I NEED YOU TO TAKE A STEP BACK
YOU'RE FACING THE LAW, NOT THE CLERK AT THE GAP
YEAH, WE'RE COPS
YEAH, WE'RE COPS
YOU'D BETTER SHAPE ON UP

YOU BETTER EMPTY OUT ALL OF THEM POCKETS

BUT DON'T EMPTY OUT ALL OF THEM POCKETS
YEAH, WE'RE COPS
 50

YEAH, WE'RE COPS

AND WE MAKE SENSE

SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS
GET 'EM UP OR YOU'LL END UP IN CUFFS
SHOW ME THOSE HANDS
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS
OR I MIGHT
BE INCLINED
TO SHOOT YOU UP

[COP #1]
YOU GO FORTY IN A THIRTY-FIVE
CHECK YOUR MIRROR, YOU'LL FIND HELL HAS ARRIVED

[COPS]
'CAUSE WE'RE COPS
YEAH, WE'RE COPS
WE'RE UP IN YOUR SHI-ET

[COP #2]
KATHY LOST HER CAT IN A TREE

[SAM]
CONTACT FIRE, NOT THE HFPD
 51

[COPS]
'CAUSE WE'RE COPS
YEAH, WE'RE COPS

[COP #2]
HER CAT IS DEAD!

[COPS]
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS
GET 'EM UP OR YOU'LL END UP IN CUFFS
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS
OR I MIGHT
BE INCLINED TO SHOOT YOU

[SAM]
STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE
STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE
GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE
GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE
SLOWLY GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE
SLOWLY GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE
DO THE THINGS I SAY, I'M A COP
 52

[SAM, COP #1 & (COP #2)]

STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE (GET THOSE HANDS UP) WHEE-YOO,
WHEE-YOO
STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE (GET THOSE HANDS UP) WHEE-YOO,
WHEE-YOO
GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE (PUT THOSE HANDS DOWN) WHEE-YOO,
WHEE-YOO
GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE (PUT THOSE HANDS DOWN) WHEE-YOO,
WHEE-YOO
SLOWLY GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE (GET THOSE HANDS UP) WHEE-
YOO, WHEE-YOO
SLOWLY GET OUT OF THE VEHICLE (GET THOSE HANDS UP) WHEE-
YOO, WHEE-YOO
DO THE THINGS I SAY (UP, DOWN!) WHEE-YOO, WHEE-YOO

[COPS]
I'M A COP!

[SAM]
9-1-1, EMERGENCY CALL
GOT A 4-1-1, AT A SHOPPING MALL
BETTER PACK YOUR HEAT AND UTILITY BELT
ANY MALL RATS COMIN' IN HOT, THEY'LL MELT

[COP #2]
SARGE, THAT'S YOUR WIFE ON THE 9-1-1

[COP #1]
WHAT THAT BITCH WANT, SARGE?
 53

[COP #2]
SHE WANTS TO SNUG

[SAM]
GRAB YOUR NINE MILLIMETER AND A DOUGHNUT BUCKET
WANT MY BADGE NUMBER?

[COPS]
PUT IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK IT!

[CHARLOTTE, SPOKEN]
Oh, Sam, please stop! I'm your wife, just talk to me, baby!

[SAM (COPS)]
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS (BA-PA-RA-BA-RA)
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS (BA-PA-RA-BA-RA)
GET 'EM UP OR YOU'LL END UP IN CUFFS (BA-PA-RA-BA-RA)
SHOW ME THOSE HANDS (UH-BA-PA-RA-BA-RA)
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS (BA-PA-RA-BA-RA)

[COPS]
OR I MIGHT
BE INCLINED
TO SHOOT YOU-

(TED hits SAM over the head with a trash can lid)
 54

[CHARLOTTE]
Woah! Oh my god! J- Just get back! (CHARLOTTE picks up SAM’s gun and
points it at COP #1 and COP #2) Just stay away, just leave us alone!

[COP #1 AND COP #2]

(Exit while making alien/turkey noises)

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh my god! Oh my god! He- His head is open!

[TED]
Well I had to do something!

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh! Oh- Oh my god! (Picks up SAM’s blue brain) His brain fell out!

[TED]
What? Well, put it back then!

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh, I don’t know how, I’m not a doctor!

[TED]
Charlotte, look at that, that’s not his brain! It’s blue!

[CHARLOTTE]
Well, how do you know? You’re not a doctor either!
 55

[TED]
Augh!

[CHARLOTTE]
I need to see a doctor, he needs to get to the doctor! Sam, baby…

[EMMA]
No, uh, listen, listen… Charlotte- Charlotte, right?

[CHARLOTTE]
I’m Charlotte…

[EMMA]
Yes! Okay listen, we have to get out of downtown. Okay? Downtown is
fucked. The hospital is downtown, we can’t go there.

[CHARLOTTE]
But he needs to see a doctor, he needs to see a doctor. Sam, we’re gonna get
you to a doctor…

[EMMA]
Um okay, okay… Oh! Oh okay! Okay! I know where we can go, I have this
kooky, reclusive Biology professor, Professor Hidgens. Yes! I’m his favorite
student ‘cause I brought him groceries once. Anyway, he has a doctorate!
That’s kind of like a doctor, right? He could help your husband, probably! And
um, he’s got like a lab in his house and security… His whole house is like a
panic room! He’s like… um… What do you call a guy that lives in a fortress?

[TED]
 56

A king!

[EMMA]
No! No, he’s like a… um… a Doomsday… Survivalist! Yes! He thinks the
world is ending, he’s been preparing for the last 20 years for the apocalypse.

[CHARLOTTE]
The apocalypse? Is that what this is? Maybe we should go to a church.

[TED]
No! No, no no no, no, Charlotte. We are all from different denominations,
alright? We can not split up. I’m a presbyterian. I’m not gonna die in your dirty
ass Methodist church, alright? I say, we go to the panic room and we beg for
the King’s help.

[PAUL]
Charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to
the professor.

[CHARLOTTE]
Yeah…

[EMMA]
Well, let’s go now. We can take the squad car.

[PAUL]
(To BILL) Uh, help me with him. (Referring to SAM) (Exit)

Scene 9: Professor Hidgens

 57

(Scene shifts to PROFESSOR HIDGENS)

[DAN]
This is Hachetfield Action News with Dan and Donna!

[DONNA]
What began as a series of isolated incidents has escalated into what some
are calling a musical riot.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(To television) Good god! It’s spreading faster than I theorized!

[DONNA]
Despite several reports of violence, the Hatchetfield Police have assured
Channel 9 that there is no cause for alarm.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Because they’re part of it, Donna!

[DONNA]
Nevertheless, our skittish neighbors in Clivesdale have raised the Nantucket
Bridge. With the ferries down for the season and no accessible means off the
island, Hachetfield citizens are advised to stay indoors. (Tv switch off)

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Like fish in a barrel! Of course the outside world is no help! It’s up to us now,
Alexa. (Alexa chime) (Doorbell buzz) (PROF. HIDGENS pulls out a gun and
moves to door) Who is it?
 58

[EMMA]
Professor Hidgens!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Don’t lie to me whoever you are! I’m Professor Hidgens!

[EMMA]
No, no Professor, it’s me, Emma Perkins? The whole town has gone crazy, I
didn’t know where else to go.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Emma! You’ve come to the right place! Hold on I’ll let you in. Alexa! Open the
gates! (Puts gun away) (Alexa Chime) (doorbell buzz)

[EMMA]
(Enters with the others) Oh my God! Thank you, Professor! Thank you! Oh,
these are my friends, this is Paul and… them. We came from downtown. Now
listen, this is going to sound crazy, but everyone is—

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Singing and dancing? Like a musical? They want you to join them, once they
get you, you’re a part of it!

[EMMA]
Uh yeah, how did you know?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
I theorized this exact scenario 30 years ago!
 59

[PAUL]
Really?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Really!

[PAUL]
Like exactly this?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Exactly!

[PAUL]
That the world would become a musical?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
You better believe it!

[CHARLOTTE]
Wait. So that’s what’s wrong with Sam?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Taking notice of SAM’s presence) Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one
of them here! (Points gun at SAM)

(Various screams)

[TED]
 60

Told you we should have left him in the alley!

[CHARLOTTE]
You’re a monster, Ted!

[TED]
No! (Pointedly at SAM) He’s a monster!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Alright, everybody calm down! Providence has brought him to me. Quickly!
Cuff him to the chair, make sure he’s secure. There’s no telling what would
happen if he were awake and loose. (TED and BILL cuff SAM to the chair) I've
been preparing for this day for decades. Now, all of the answers are right in
front of me! If only I have the wits to decipher them. Alright. (Plucks blue
substance from SAM’s brain) Now. Tell me Emma. What on earth does that
look like to you?

[EMMA]
Oh God. Um, I don’t know, some kind of blue… shit?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Exactly Emma! What the fuck is this shit? I’ll tell you what on Earth it looks
like… Nothing. You all remember that meteor that crashed into the Starlight
Theater last night? I dare say it carried a deadly cargo. A contagious
pathogen of cosmic origin.

[BILL]
Wait a second, doc. Don’t tell me you’re talking about… aliens?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
 61

Why is that so hard to believe? Think of all we take for granted now that was
foretold in the pages of Bradbury and Azimuth. Look no further than my robot
assistant… Alexa. (Alexa chime) Once confined to the realm of science fiction,
she is now science fact! Alexa! (Alexa chime) Dim the lights. (Lights dim)
Extraordinary! Twenty years ago, I would have had to walk all the way to the
dimmer! Now, as unbelievable as this outbreak may seem, the question is no
longer can this be happening, but how do we stop it? I’ve got to get this blue
shit beneath a microscope to find out what makes these bastards tick.

[PAUL]
Sorry professor? This is a lot to take in, do you have anything to take the edge
off like… drinks or something?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Young man. For the past 27 years, I have been stockpiling the bare essentials
needed for human survival in the event of a world ending cataclysm… You bet
your ass we got booze! Come with me. (Exit all except for CHARLOTTE,
TED, and an unconscious SAM)

Scene 10: ‘Tied Up My Heart’

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh Sam, baby…

[TED]
Come on, Charlotte, we’ll make you a drink. We can relax, talk… fuck.

[CHARLOTTE]
Ted! I can't believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this! The whole
world could be coming to an end!

[TED]
 62

Well if I’m gonna die, I’m gonna go out doing the thing I love… screwin around
with another man’s wife.

[CHARLOTTE]
Ted! You’re such a horny bastard! (Moves to slap TED, but he catches her
arm)

[TED]
Always have been. Always will be.

[CHARLOTTE]
And you know that’s why I can't resist you! (TED makes a move, and
CHARLOTTE doesn’t resist) Wait! Ted! My husband's brains fell out today. If I
can't be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I?

[TED]
Oh, I don’t know, Charlotte. I’m not your therapist! You know, maybe you
should go back to fucking him. Hmm? I know that’s why you actually went
back to counseling.

[CHARLOTTE]
I mean that’s not the only reason. I wanted to make things work with Sam. I
love him. I know I shouldn’t but I do…

[TED]
No Charlotte! This guy is a scumbag, alright? You could upgrade… to a
sleazeball, but you refuse to be happy. You know what Charlotte? I’m done,
alright? So you can stay here with your dying marriage and your dying
husband- (tosses CHARLOTTE the keys) I’m gonna go hit on that crabby
barista.
 63

[CHARLOTTE]
Wait, no! Ted! Wait! Oh God! (To God) Oh, God? God, if you’re up there, and
you can hear me, it's me Charlotte. You just gotta know… I didn’t want any of
this to happen! I love Sam and I know we’ve had our problems and I know I've
been so angry with him lately, but I didn’t want him to die! Please God! Just let
him wake up! Just let him wake up!

[SAM]
(Wakes up) Charlotte!

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh! Oh oh, Sam?

[SAM]
Where am I? Why am I tied to a chair?

[CHARLOTTE]
Um, it’s for your own safety, Sam. And our’s… You’re not well Sam.

[SAM]
Charlotte, baby, I’m hurtin’ real bad. I need a doctor.

[CHARLOTTE]
Um, I'll go get the Professor!

[SAM]
No! (Music cue) They left me here to die! Only you can help me, Charlotte.
Untie me… and we’ll leave here together…
 64

I'M TIED UP, CHARLOTTE

TIED UP WITH YOU
YOU UNDERSTAND ME
NOW HAND ME THOSE KEYS
THE KEYS TO MY YOUTH
GOD, WE WERE YOUNG ONCE
INNOCENT AND FUN ONCE
AND FREE
LET GO OF THIS GRIP ON ME

YOU TIED UP MY HEART

YOU TIED ME DOWN
NOW BREAK ME OPEN
WITH YOUR LOVE AND MERCY

CHARLOTTE!
YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART, CHAR
GOT MY FEET TO THE FIRE
JUST LET ME GO
AND I'LL LOVE YOU
OOH!

[CHARLOTTE, Spoken]
Oh, Sam, I love you too, but I can’t let you go!

[SAM, Spoken]
 65

Charlotte, baby! Apple of my eye! Don’t you trust me?

(SUNG)
I'VE EFFED UP, CHARLOTTE
EFFED UP WITH YOU
ALL THE BOOZE AND HARLOTS
AND ALL THE CHARLOTTES
BUT THEY DIDN'T COUNT
THEY COULDN'T BREAK ME
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAGED ME
IN CHAINS
PLEASE, TAKE AWAY MY PAIN

CHARLOTTE!
LET ME HOLD YOU AGAIN, CHAR
JUST FREE UP MY ARMS
AND I'LL GIVE
YOU A FOOT MASSAGE
CHARLOTTE
WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
I'LL CRAWL ON MY HANDS AND KNEES
IF YOU UNTIE ME, GIRL
AND FREE UP MY HEART

[ENSEMBLE]
HEART, YOU TIED ME DOWN
NOW BREAK ME OPEN
 66

WITH YOUR LOVE AND MERCY

[SAM]
OH F*CK, I'M FADING FAST, I THINK YOU BETTER COME QUICK
I REALLY DON'T WANNA DIE ALONE IN HERE
TIME TO SAY OUR GOODBYES AT THE END OF THE ROAD

[CHARLOTTE, Spoken]
Just hang on, Sam! You’ll be alright!

[SAM]
THIS BODY'S NOT GONNA LAST, THE AIR IS COLD AND THICK
I'M LOSING MY LAST REMAINING HOPE FOR US
MY HANDS ARE TIED IN KNOTS AND I CAN'T COME HOME
I WANNA DIE IN YOUR ARMS IN THE EVENING GLOW

[CHARLOTTE, SPOKEN]
Sam, aw, Sam!? What have I done!? What have I done? Oh, what have I
done? (Uses keys to unlock cuffs)

[SAM]
CHARLOTTE
YOU BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE DEAD, CHAR
MY LIGHT WAS IN RED
I SAW GOD, AND HE TOLD ME, GIRL
TO FREE UP MY HEART
 67

[ENSEMBLE]
HEART, YOU TIED ME DOWN
NOW BREAK ME OPEN
WITH YOUR LOVE AND MERCY

[SAM, Spoken]
Now I’m gonna free up your heart, baby…

[CHARLOTTE]
Yes, take me Sam… (SAM plunges his hand into CHARLOTTE’s midsection,
brutally ripping out her intestines, CHARLOTTE screams) (Exits with a now
dead CHARLOTTE in his arms)

Scene 11: Fuck Clivesdale

(Scene shifts to the other group)

[BILL]
He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley
Temple without any cherries?

[TED]
Jesus Christ Bill! It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on
with a Shirley fucking Temple?

[BILL]
Well, if it's as serious as all that, I figured we might need a designated driver!

[TED]
 68

Okay so when the cops pull you over, you can pass their breathalyzer test
before they infect you with their nasty blue shit? Come on!

[BILL]
If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… Do something to you!

[TED]
Oh yeah, Bill? What are you gonna do?

[BILL]
I’m gonna… kick your head!

[TED]
Oh. My head.

[BILL]
Yeah!

[TED]
Not my ass?

[BILL]
… Yeah!

[TED]
Alright then let's see it! Huh? Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I want to
see you kick above your waist. Alright, try that roundhouse, show me that
sweeping crane kick your Kung-fu master taught you.
 69

[PAUL]
Okay, you two, calm down! Ted. Bill’s not gonna kick your head.

[TED]
Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill
taught me.

[PAUL]
Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over
again, he’d say ass.

[TED]
Uh-uh, uh-uh, you know if you want to kill a snake, what do you do? Huh? You
cut off it’s head! Where does the fish rot come from? The head! Take out the
head, and the whole thing goes down! That’s why fishermen always go for…
The head! (BILL smacks TED on the arm) Ow! Come on Bill, come on!

[PAUL]
Give me that. (Snatches alcohol away from TED and gives it to BILL) This is
supposed to help us relax, not make us kill each other.

[TED]
Whatever.

(PAUL makes his way over to EMMA, who’s sitting by herself)

[EMMA]
Ugh, why did I come back here?
 70

[PAUL]
To uh… drink?

[EMMA]
Back to Hatchetfield. I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to get out of this
place. Should’ve just stayed in Guatemala. I mean, yeah, they’ve got
volcanoes and Coatimundis everywhere, but uh-

[PAUL]
What’s a Coatimundi?

[EMMA]
Oh, it’s like a little raccoon thing. Eh, they get into shit, people hate ‘em, but at
least they don’t sing and dance!

[PAUL]
So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield? Coatimundis, up in your shit?

[EMMA]
No, no, it was my sister, Jane. She was the good one. Yeah, she had this um,
Lisa Frank binder when she was little where she mapped out her entire life
and I swear to God she stuck to it. Bullet point by bullet point. It was like job,
husband, house, kids. And you know when one sister is so on top of her game
it kind of demands that the other one be a total fuck-up, right?

[PAUL]
What is Yin without Yang?

[EMMA]
 71

That’s what I’m saying! Yeah, man, she was off doing life and I was doing…
something else. Backpacking mostly and she would call me and you know,
invite me home for the big events. You know, weddings, baby showers, and
I’d always say “oh, (clicks tongue) Sorry, I'll catch the next one.” But um, then
when I got the invitation to her funeral I was like oh, there won’t be a next one.

[PAUL]
No, I’m sorry.

[EMMA]
Hey, you didn’t crash into her car. Anyway, uh, it’s weird growing up in
someone else’s shadow because then when they’re gone, the light shines on
your life for the first time, and it does not look good. So there I was. 30 with no
roots anywhere except Hatchetfield, so I thought uh, well I’m gonna make
something of myself. You know, do something my sister would be proud of,
enroll in community college, study botany. I’m gonna start a pot farm.

[PAUL]
Oh. Did your sister smoke a lot of pot?

[EMMA]
No, but weed’s the future, it’s gonna be legal nationwide soon bet you any
money. Not that it matters anymore. Man, my whole life, my one goal was to
avoid dying in Hatchetfield and here we are.

[PAUL]
Hey, it could be worse. You could be dying in Clivesdale.

[EMMA]
Fuck Clivesdale!
 72

[PAUL]
Fuck em! You know, uh, all things considered, I like Hatchetfield. Yeah. I've
been here my whole life, born and bred. Never wanted to leave. Still don’t.

[EMMA]
Hey, we’re the same age, how come I never knew you in high school?

[PAUL]
You probably went to Hatchetfield High, I went to Sycamore.

[EMMA]
Fucking Timberwolves! We hated you guys.

[PAUL]
We hated ourselves! (Laughs) Uh, so uh, back at Beanie’s you said you were
in your high school production of Brigadoon?

[EMMA]
(Scottish accent) I was Bonnie Jean.

[PAUL]
That was 2003 right? I actually saw you in Brigadoon.

[EMMA]
No shit!

[PAUL]
 73

Yes shit! Yeah. Uh, we didn’t have a theater program in our school. So I
guess to make us feel like crap, they bused us over to watch your show. It
was the first musical I ever saw. I hated it. That’s probably the start of my
whole thing. You’re the reason I don’t like musicals!

[EMMA]
Woah, that’s like your origin story. So I guess I’m the supervillian?

[PAUL]
I don’t think of you like that at all, Emma.

[EMMA]
Listen, um, Paul-

Scene 12: ‘Join Us And Die’

[CHARLOTTE, SPOKEN]
It is time…

(SUNG)
TO DIE!

SORRY TO INTERRUPT
BUT WE GOT BONES TO PLUCK
THE TIME FOR CHAOS IS LONG PAST OVERDUE
DEATH ISN'T OPTIONAL
IN FACT IT’S OPTIMAL
YOUR TIME IS UP
AND NOW WE GO THROUGH YOU

WE TRIED TO CONVINCE YOU

IN SOLILOQUY
BUT NOW WE'LL KILL YOU
WITH MORE THAN HARMONY!
JUST DIE

[CHARLOTTE & SAM]

 74

JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS

JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS!

[CHARLOTTE]
HERE'S HOW IT’S GONNA GO
WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR ASS
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA

[CHARLOTTE & SAM]

FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS

[CHARLOTTE]
WE'RE GONNA PUKE ALL THAT GOO
INTO YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR FOOD
AND ALL YOUR CELLS WILL RENEW AND BE ENHANCED
IT'S A DEATH-LIKE PROCESS THAT YOU GOTTA SEE

[SAM]
AHHHHH

[CHARLOTTE (AND SAM)]

YOUR OWN BODY
IS YOUR FRONT ROW SEAT
TO DIE!

[CHARLOTTE & SAM]

JOIN US
AND DIE
 75

JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS

JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US
AND DIE
JOIN US AND

PUNCH IT!
SQUEEZE IT!
CRUSH IT!
KILL IT!
RIDE IT!
DRAG IT!
WIND IT UP
KICK ITS NUTS!

[SAM]
HERE'S HOW IT'S GONNA GO—

(Gunshot)

[CHARLOTTE, SUNG]
Oh-ah!

(Another gunshot) (PROF. HIDGENS enters)

[EMMA]
Oh my god! Professor! You killed Charlotte!
 76

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Wrong.

[PAUL]
You shot her!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
I shot a Charle-ton. (Waits for a laugh, nobody laughs) Ahh… The Charlotte
you knew and loved was gone the minute a note came out of her mouth. After
examining that blue shit it didn’t take long for me to decipher that Sam was no
longer human, but part of the alien brew genetically reconstructed from the
inside out. They’re wearing our skin to fool us! Which means anyone of you
could be one of them. (Aims gun at the group, who all collectively panic) So
we’re gonna have a little test to see who’s still human and who’s a musical
doppelganger. I want you all to sing 16 bars right now.

[EMMA]
No! Professor, Professor, we’re not aliens-

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Cocks gun) Sing the beginning of Moana!

[ALL EXCEPT PROF. HIDGENS]

(Not in unison) What? Ah!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
I said sing goddammit!

[ALL EXCEPT PROF. HIDGENS]

 77

Uh, (Trying to sing) Moana, make way, make way! (Singing badly and
incoherently) Uh, it’s uh consider the coconut, coco, ho ho. (Continuing to
sing badly and incoherently) Uh, consider its tree, uh, god gives- ho ho- us
what we- and no one leaves.

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
(As singing fades) I didn’t like that movie.

[BILL, SUNG]
It’s the circle of life… And it m-

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
That’s not it.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Alright, that was terrible. Not a single one of you were on pitch, which means
that you’re still human. These things, their tactic is to hide amongst us and as
their numbers grow, they become more bold, and as we’ve seen… violent.

(Phone rings)

[BILL]
(Answers) Alice? Alice, oh thank god, I’ve never been more happy in my life,
your mother left me and moved you to Clivesdale. (Beat) What? No, no, Alice,
I saw you get on the bus to Clivesdale this morning. (Beat) What? You got
off? Got off? To go see Deb? Goddammit Alice. If Deb jumped off a bridge
would you? (Beat) Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know you’re scared…
What’s wrong with Deb? She’s doing what? Alice, okay. Listen to me. You get
away from her, you understand? You get far away. No, this has nothing to do
with me not liking Deb. Right now you need to run and hide. Okay? Where are
you? No no, you stay there, I’m coming to you. No no, don’t you say…
Everything’s going to be fine. I love you, too. (Lowers phone, this time being
 78

the one to hang up) Give me, give me some bread and some water. I knew
we were gonna need a designated driver!

[PAUL]
What’s happening, Bill?

[BILL]
It’s Alice. She’s stuck in Hachetfield. Dang it, I need to take the car, she’s in
Hachetfield High. She’s locked herself in the choir room.

[TED]
And you’re gonna save her? G. I. Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your way
through a city of singing zombie motherfuckers? Wake up, Bill. She’s already
dead.

[BILL]
Don’t you dare-

[TED]
You’re gonna get there and she’s gonna be dead and you’re gonna die too,
and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen if you try to go back through
downtown.

[BILL]
But what else am I supposed to do?

[PAUL]
Don’t go through downtown. Cut through Pinebrooke.
 79

[BILL]
What?

[PAUL]
Pinebrooke. Rich neighborhood, fancy houses, huge yards.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Yes, avoid densely populated areas.

[PAUL]
Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you’re in the teacher’s
parking lot.

[EMMA]
Right! Yes, and the windows to the staff lounge are always open so they can
smoke. Just slide in and out. Used to be my old escape route.

[BILL]
Okay. Okay. This is a lot of directions.

[TED]
Don’t bother. He’s gonna get lost.

[EMMA]
You are such a fucking creep, you know that?

[TED]
Oh, I’m a fucking creep?
 80

[EMMA]
Yeah.

[TED]
I’m a fucking creep? Listen, sweetheart, the world has changed, alright?
There are no creeps. There are no heroes. There are only people who are
alive and people who are fucking dead! And Bill’s daughter… she’s dead…
What? I’m only saying what we all know is true, right, Paul?

[PAUL]
I know that the chances are slim to nil, and I know that Bill doesn’t know the
shortcut. Bill, if you go you’re not going to make it… Which is why I’m gonna
go with you to get your daughter back.

[BILL]
You’d do that for me, Paul?

[PAUL]
Hey, it’s not like you’re asking me to go see Mamma Mia.

[EMMA]
Well, hey, let’s go. If we haul ass we can be there and back in 20 minutes.

[PROF. HIDGENS]
No, Emma, you stay here. I have a theory on how these aliens can be
stopped, but I’ll need an extra pair of hands in the lab. Paul, Bill, (hands gun
to BILL) Godspeed.

[EMMA]
 81

(As PAUL and BILL are about to leave) Um, hey Paul? Listen, if those things
get you, they’re gonna make you sing and dance and all that shit you hate. So
don’t you let ‘em.

[PAUL]
Emma, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to draw a line in
the sand. And I… will NEVER be in a fucking musical. (Exits)

END OF ACT 1

Act 2

Scene 13: ‘Not Your Seed’

(PAUL and BILL run on stage, gun in hand)

[BILL]
(With PAUL) Alice?! Alice! Sweetie, where are you?

[PAUL]
(With BILL) Bill! Be quiet! Be quiet, Bill. Okay?
 82

[BILL]
We gotta find her, Paul!

[PAUL]
We will but you’re gonna have to shut up, alright? This whole school could be
crawling with those things. You screaming is gonna get us killed, and then
who’s going to save Alice?

[BILL]
Right, right. Sorry Paul, it's just… she’s all I have.

[PAUL]
I know. Just- Just try to stay calm and follow me, okay?

[BILL]
(Following PAUL) You know, she’s a good kid Paul… She’s smart, and I
respect her choices, but if we’re being honest, I don’t like Deb. She’s just-
she’s always on her phone, and I don’t know. I just think Alice can do better.
This morning, the knucklehead that I am, I said- “Why don’t you try dating
someone at your own high school in Clivesdale?” And she said “You just don’t
like Deb.” And what was I supposed to do? Lie? So I said “Why don’t you try
dating someone like Grace Chastity?” And she goes “No! Grace Chastity is a
nerdy prude!” And I said, “1. I said someone like her, 2. That is not a very nice
thing to say.” And suddenly I’m defending Grace Chastity of all people. And
she says “You just want Grace Chastity to be your daughter!” And I said “Well
at least she’s nice to me at church!” And I think that fight is why she got off the
bus to go see Deb… (realization sinking in) Oh god Paul, I’m the reason they
trapped her. It’s my fault.

[PAUL]
No, listen to me Bill, okay? This is not your fault…
 83

[ALICE]
(Enters) Yes it is.

[BILL]
Alice?

[ALICE]
“It’s all your fault.” That’s the last thought I had before they broke down the
door.

(Singing)

I'M NOT YOUR GIRL ANYMORE

I'M NOT THAT TWEEN THAT YOU DROVE HERE FOR
I'M NOT YOUR GIRL ANYMORE
I OVERTOOK HER BODY WITH AN INFECTIOUS SPORE

YOU LEFT ME OUT OF YOUR SIGHT FOR ONE SECOND

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS, NIGHTMARE TIME
IT'S WORSE THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE
NOT SEX AND NOT DRUGS
JUST ALIEN INVADING MINDS

NO MORE FAMILY VACAYS TOGETHER

'CAUSE YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER'S UNDER THE WEATHER
AND IF YOU ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO ME
 84

YOU'D SEE, I'M NOT YOUR SEED

I'M NOT YOUR ANGSTY TEEN
NO MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE
THE APPLE'S FALLEN FAR FROM THE TREE

IT'S NOT MY FAULT ANYMORE

NO MORE CURFEWS TO BE LATE FOR
IT'S NOT MY FAULT ANYMORE
NO MORE BEING WORRIED AND WAITING BY THE DOOR

[ALICE (ALICE'S FRIENDS)]

DID YOU KNOW THAT I WANTED TO LIVE WITH YOU? (LOOK WHAT
HAPPENS, NIGHTMARE TIME)
O-OOH
AND WHEN YOU NEEDED TO FIGHT, YOU GAVE HER THAT TOO
(ALIENS INVADING MINDS)
AH-OOH

[ALICE]
DID YOU KNOW MOM LET DEB SLEEP OVER?

[BILL, SPOKEN]
What?!

[ALICE, SUNG]
AND YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT DEB — SHE'S A HARDCORE STONER
 85

[BILL, SPOKEN]
I knew it!

[ALICE, SUNG]
AND IF YOU WONDER WHAT LED YOUR DAUGHTER ASTRAY
WELL, DADDY WASN'T HERE TO STAY

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

NOT YOUR SEED
I'M NOT YOUR PERFECT TEEN
I'M FUCKING SEVENTE-EN
AT LEAST I WAS BEFORE YOU LEFT ME

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
Bill, we need to leave right now!

[BILL, SPOKEN]
Back off Paul, we’re not leaving without Alice!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
That’s not your daughter, Bill.

[ALICE]
WHY DOES IT HURT TO LOVE YOU?
WHY AM I IN PAIN?
WHY DOES IT HURT TO KNOW YOU?
YOU'LL LET ME DOWN AGAIN
 86

IF I TURNED MY INSIDES OUT, WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW THAT I WAS

THERE?

WHY DOES IT HURT TO LOVE YOU?

WHY DOES IT HURT TO LOVE?

[ALICE (ALICE'S FRIENDS)]

I'M NOT YOUR SEED (NOT YOUR GIRL, NOT YOUR GIRL)
NOW MAYBE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME (LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME)
OR DO YOU LET ME BLEED? (LET ME BLEED)
NOW YOUR DAUGHTER'S NOT A GIRL NO MORE (GIRL NO MORE, GIRL
NO MORE)

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

NOT AT ALL YOUR SEED!

[ALICE]
'CAUSE I'M NOT YOUR GIRL ANYMORE

[BILL]
(Haunted) … I can't do it, Paul… I can't live in a world without my daughter.

[PAUL]
Bill? Whatever you’re thinking, stop.

[BILL]
I can't live knowing I’m the reason they got to her.
 87

[PAUL]
No Bill- (as BILL begins to lift the gun to his head) No- No!

[BILL]
(Struggling against PAUL) Let me do it, Paul! Just let me die-

[PAUL]
(Wrestles gun away from BILL and throws it to the ground) No man! No. Bill,
look at me… You’re my best friend. I’m not gonna let you die.

(Alice reaches for the gun and shoots BILL)

[PAUL]
Bill! Oh God! Bill!

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

(In unison) We just keep running into each other, don’t we Paul? We have
traveled across seas of stars, bending/counting/conquering— …
counting/conquering/bending… Wait. What are we saying? We all have to say
the same thing. Let’s get on the same page.

[DEB]
(Singing/ harmonizing) I’m here.

[ALICE’s FRIEND]
(Singing/ harmonizing) I’m here.

[ALICE]
 88

(Singing/ harmonizing) I’m here.

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

(In unison) … Bending countless civilizations to our will. Yet you Paul have
defied us thrice! (Gunshot)

[PAUL]
Holy shit! (Moving to escape)

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

This puny human weapon is too quick a death for you, Paul. (Dropping gun)
We shall rend you limb from limb. You will choke/die/shut… You will
die/shut/choke… (In unison, again) Seriously, we all need to say the same
thing. You guys are embarrassing me!

[PAUL]
Oh come on! (Trying to get hold of the gun)

[ALICE & FRIENDS]

You shall choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis. (All three
harmonize)

[PAUL]
(Covers ears) No no no no no no no!

[PEIP SOLDIER]
(Enters with gun & GENERAL JOHN MCNAMARA) Get down on the ground
we’re the army! Bam bam! Get out of here! Bam bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
(ALICE & FRIENDS run away) All right, we’re clear on the left, whoop! Clear
on the right. (Throws a grenade) Clear on the right. Grenade! Woah! Yah!
 89

[PAUL]
Wait, Wait, wait! I’m not one of them. I’m human— (is knocked out by GEN.
MACNAMARA)

[PEIP SOLDIER]
Yeah? Prove it asshole, we’re the army. (Both soldiers exit with PAUL)

Scene 14: All Connected By A Central Brain

(PROF. HIDGENS and EMMA enter)

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Examining blue substance) Remarkable! Simply remarkable! Tell me, Emma,
how do you explain an entire race of beings spontaneously bursting into song
and dance? How do they all know the lyrics? Th-the choreography?

[EMMA]
I don’t know, they’re all getting orders from the mothership?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
You’re not far off. What we’re dealing with here is a collective consciousness.
On one level, they are individuals, but on another, they are all appendages of
a much larger organism all connected by a central brain.

[EMMA]
And the brain came down in the meteor?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Or… it is the meteor.
 90

[EMMA]
Okay? Okay, and so it wants to kill us all so it can resurrect us as a part of it’s
shitty musical?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
That’s one way of putting it. You could also say it's uniting us in one common
purpose. Think! Emma, if this entity were to spread to the entire planet, why…
it could achieve what over 50,000 years of human civilization never could…
World peace.

[EMMA]
Okay, but how do we stop it?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
… Yes, of course… Stop it.

[EMMA]
Okay, um- All right, all right. So this all started with the meteor, it is the brain,
so if we take it out, will all these things just die?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Pulling out a syringe) That’s a sound theory, Emma. Which is why it must
never leave this room. Don’t fight it.

[EMMA]
What? (As PROF. HIDGENS sticks the syringe into her chest) N-no no no no
no no no noooo… (falls unconscious, PROF. HIDGENS carries her offstage)

Scene 15: General McNamara

 91

(Scene shifts to PAUL and GEN. MCNAMARA)

[PAUL]
(Regaining consciousness) Ohh…

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Sorry for that knock on the head son, you can never be too careful. What’s
your name?

[PAUL]
(Shaking GEN. MACNMARA’s hand) Uh, Paul Mathews.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Good evening, Paul. My name is General John MacNamara of the United
States Military, special unit P-E-I-P. We call it PEIP.

[PAUL]
PEIP? I've never heard of you guys.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
And you never will, not a peep. (Waiting for a laugh) That’s a joke, son. We
have the unenviable task of cleaning up messes of a certain nature, situations
not unlike what we have here in Hatchetfield.

[PAUL]
Are you saying stuff like this has happened before?

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
 92

I said nothing in that sort, that information is classified. However, our agents
led us to believe the entire population had become infected with this alien
contagion. So quite frankly, we’re all a little shocked to find a survivor like
yourself. But I got some bad news for you, Paul. My unit was sent to make a
clean sweep of what was once your town. No loose ends. No survivors.

[PAUL]
Whoa, so you’re just gonna kill me?!

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Those are my orders, yes. Two in the head, one in the heart. But there’s one
thing you better hurry up and know about me, Paul. I love my country, I do,
but the experiences I've accrued throughout my tenure with this organization
have given me a deeper understanding of the cosmos and our place in it. I
follow a higher law than any institution could decree and that is the universal
truth of love and the strength of the human heart. Would you like to do some
light reading on the subject?

[PAUL]
No thank you, no thank you.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
So I’m gonna bend the rules a little bit for you Paul. I have an evac chopper
touching down in Oakley Park at 23-hundred hours, that’s 11 o’clock in the
PM, synchronize your timepiece with mine. (Holds up wrist)

[PAUL]
Oh… (pulls out phone) Oka—

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Is that an iPhone?
 93

[PAUL]
Yeah, it's the 6s. It ha—

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
(Snatches PAUL’s phone and chucks it offstage) Wear a watch! Time is a
precious thread in the fabric of the universe. It deserves its own tool of
measurement! You survive till 23-hundred hours, there’s a seat in that
chopper with your name on it. (Takes off his watch and offers it to PAUL, who
promptly accepts the gift and slips it on)

[PAUL]
Cool. Oh uh- Wait, General McNamara. I can't leave without Emma.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
(Sighs) Who’s Emma, Paul?

[PAUL]
A friend of mine.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Friends don’t move my heart, son. Is there a chance it’s something more?

[PAUL]
I think so, uh… I’d like there to be. I want there to be.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Well, then you know what that means. (Pulls out his gun, aiming it at Paul,
who holds his hands up, confused and scared)
 94

[PAUL]
What?

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
I’m authorizing you to use my firearm. Rescue Emma and get your ass to that
chopper in two hours time.

[PAUL]
Thank you, sir.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Don’t thank me till we’re both in Clivesdale sharing a cup of coffee. Do you
like coffee, son?

[PAUL]
Yes, sir.

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
Do you like musicals?

[PAUL]
No, sir.

[GEN. MCNAMARA}
(Salutes Paul, who promptly salutes back) Now that’s a goddamn red-blooded
American. I'll see you on the chopper.
 95

(Both exit and the scene shifts to EMMA and TED, who are both tied to
chairs)

Scene 16: ‘Show Stoppin’ Number’

[EMMA]
(Wakes up, confused, and turns to TED) Hey… (bumps him) Hey!

[TED]
Wha… Wha- What the fuck?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Enters) So… You’re finally awake.

[EMMA]
Professor Hidgens. What are you doing?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Exactly what needs to be done! Alexa! (Alexa chime) Open the gates! Turn off
the fences, shut it all down! (Electric buzz)

[EMMA]
No Professor! The fences are the only things protecting us!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Protecting us from what, Emma? From the end of the world? What’s
protecting us from nuclear Holocaust? Climate change? Overpopulation?
Emma… The world was already doomed. Not by them, but by us. I was trying
to save something that could not be saved… Until now. But before we can be
reborn into a better world… First, we must say our goodbyes.
 96

[TED & EMMA]

No… Please… / No, no!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
Alexa. (Alexa chime) After all these years in isolation with you as my one
companion, I’ve come to love you just as much as any woman of flesh and
bone. Which is why it pains me to have to do this. Alexa? (Alexa chime)
Initiate self-destruct.

[EMMA]
Uhh… I don’t think it can do that, Professor…

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Beat)(sighs) It’s 2018… And it can't even blow itself up? (Picks up his Alexa,
tossing it offstage) Fucking piece of shit!

[TED]
Please, Please, Professor! Just let us go, okay man?

[PROF. HIDGENS]
I’m afraid I can't do that, Ted. Don’t you two see that in order for humanity to
survive, it must evolve? That’s what this visitor from the stars has brought
us… salvation! We must join them. This is our second chance. My second
chance.

[EMMA]
Professor, think about what you’re doing!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
 97

Emma, did you know that long before I was a biologist, I had a much truer and
deeper passion? Yes.. My first love was and always will be… Musical theater!

[EMMA]
Oh. God no.

[TED]
This guy’s fucking nuts!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
After examining that creature you once called Charlotte, I made a fascinating
discovery. These aliens… They- They possess a highly specialized gland that
allows them to communicate through rhythmic frequencies. They’re drawn to
music! Like a moth to the flame…

[EMMA & TED]

No, no, Please! / Don’t fucking do it! Don’t you fucking do it!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
This is humanity’s eleventh hour… and I’ve prepared something for the
occasion.

[EMMA & TED]

Oh god… / Nonononono…

(sung)
IT'S
A
SHOW STOPPIN' NUMBER, A REAL SHOW STOPPER
 98

A SHOW STOPPIN' NUMBER, COME ON

SOMETHING TO SHOCK 'EM, TO BRING THEM A-CRAWLING
A BIG-TIME BOX-OFFICE DRAW
WITH THE PRESS AND THE GLAMOUR, WE'LL KILL THE REVIEWS
SPOTLIGHT ON MR. INGENUE
SO FILL UP YOUR TUMBLER
GOT A SHOW STOPPIN' NUMBER FOR YOU

[EMMA, spoken]
Professor, please, if they find us they will kill us!

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, sung]

A SHOW STOPPIN' NUMBER IS SOMETHING YOU DIE FOR
A REAL CATCHY EARWORM-Y TUNE
AN AWARD-WINNING SCORE THAT SEEPS IN AND OUT OF YOUR
PORES
A DITTY MAKE THE CHORUS GIRLS SWO-ON
IT'LL UNIFY HUMANITY IN A THUNDERING CHORUS!
NO EXITS FROM THIS BROADWAY VENUE
SO SPLASH THOSE SHINY CYMBALS
GOT A SHOW STOPPIN' HYMNAL FOR YOU

(spoken)
This song's pretty good, huh? I bet you didn't know I was also a composer. In
fact, while I've been preparing for the apocalypse I've also been writing my
own musical... Do you mind if I give you the pitch?
 99

[EMMA, spoken]
We don't have time—

[TED, spoken]
Fucking go for it!

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, spoken]

It's called: Working Boys: A New Musical. It's the story of a group of old
college chums. Sure, they found success in the business world. Still, they
can't help but long for the simpler times, back in that beat-up old house at the
edge of campus. But those glory days, they're gone for good
Or, are they? This here, is the title number!

(sung)
BUSINESS CALLS, I'M UP TO MY ASS IN SHIT
WHAT IS THIS BUSINESS?
MARKETS ARE CRASHING AND I'M AT THE EDGE OF MY WITS
I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT
WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO
IS SPEND THE DAY WITH GREG
AND STEVE
AND STU
AND MARK
AND LEIGHTON
AND CHAD

(spoken) (at this point, pause whatever backing track you’re using to get
through this dialogue)
 100

Ring, ring. The phone rings. I answer it

Oh, hey Greg. I'm swamped with business. Stocks, bonds, golden
parachutes... Remember those days on the football field, Greg? Last week
feels like ages ago

What? Today? After work? On the football field? The old stomping ground, eh
Greg? Just you.. and me... and Steve... and Stu... and Mark, and Leighton...

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS & TED, spoken]

And Chad

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, spoken]

Five o'clock. I'll see you then, Greg...
I'll see you then

(sung)
ALL I WANT TO DO
IS SPEND THAT DAY WITH STEVE AND—
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME
TO MY BOYS

A SHOW STOPPIN' NUMBER, A REAL SHOW STOPPER

AN ARIA TO RULE THEM ALL
THEY'LL THROW US THEIR MONEY AT FULL PRICE ADMISSION
 101

THE WORLD WILL COME TUMBLIN' DOWN

HAMILTON, MOVE OVER
YOUR NEW COMPETITION'S IN TOWN

["GREG" enters, spoken]

Hey Henry!

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, spoken]

Greg! Is that really you?

[EMMA, spoken]
Professor, no! That's not Greg!

["GREG", spoken]
Been a long time...

["STU" enters, spoken]

Hey boys, wanna' toss that pig-skin around?

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, spoken]

Stu! You haven't aged a day! Is it five o'clock already? It must be!

["GREG", spoken]
Come on, Henry. We've got some catching up to do.

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS, "GREG" & "STU", sung]

 102

WORKING BOYS, WE'RE UP IN OUR ASS IN SHIT

WHAT IS THIS BUSINESS?
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
FIVE O'CLOCK CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME
TO MY BO-OYS!
(The three of them exit as a group)

[EMMA & TED]

Oh! Oh my God! / Help! Please please please! Please God!

[TED]
If you save me right now, I promise I’m gonna be a better person, please.

[PAUL]
(Enters) It’s okay guys, I’m here.

[TED]
Paul!

[PAUL]
Shh, we gotta get out of here while they’re distracted!

(Exit all three)

(Enter)
 103

Scene 17: ‘America Is Great Again’

[PAUL]
Come on guys, there’s a helicopter coming to pick us up. We gotta get to
Oakley Park in- Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it.

[TED]
Wait Paul, I gotta say something.

[PAUL]
Not now Ted-

[TED]
Yes now! Today, uh… Today has, uh, has broken me. I’m ashamed of how I
acted earlier… With Bill. Well shit, I wanted to abandon Erica back there.

[EMMA]
Emma.

[TED]
Gesundheit. And Paul, I wish I could be brave. Like you.

[EMMA]
Shut the fuck up dude. We gotta go!

[TED]
But you see, I deserve any kind of abuse you guys want to give me, alright?
Because I- I’ve been a grade-a asshole. But I swear! Come on. I swear I am
gonna be a better person because today has taught me something, and it’s-
 104

It’s what’s really important in this life. And it's the people you care about, you
know? Hey, Paul? I have always considered you one of my best friends-

[“GREG”]
(Enters and drags PAUL off from behind)(singing) Working boys, we’re up to
our ass in shit!

(Various screaming and yelling)

[TED]
Okay I’m just gonna run away right now! I hate you, okay bye!

[EMMA]
Get the fuck back here, you coward!

[TED]
Hey, I said I’d be a better person, I’m still not a good person!

[EMMA]
(Frustratedly yells and runs after PAUL)

[TED]
(As he runs) Bye! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck that! (Stops for breath) Okay, all right. I
just gotta get to that chopper. (Drum trills, and the military files in) What? Huh!
Oh yeah! The military! Oh yes! Over here! Over here! Yes, just save me! I’m
the only one that survived, everyone else is dead! Oh… I tell ya. Oh man, you
guys are a sight for sore eyes, huh? You know, I always support the troops.
That’s number one. Number two. I bleed red, white, and- (gunshot, as GEN.
MCNAMARA enters)
 105

[GEN. MCNAMARA, SUNG, AS HE MAKES TED ONE OF THEM]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TOLD

BUT AMERICANS SHOULD FIT A MOLD
THERE'S A WAR TO BE FOUGHT IN THIS COUNTRY
AGAINST THOSE THAT ARE FAR TOO BOLD

TWO PARTY SYSTEM, LEFT AND RIGHT

THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR RIGHT AND WRONG
IT'S YOU AND ME AND ME AND YOU
THE LOUDEST BECOME THE STRONG

YEAH, WE'RE GREAT AGAIN

AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
Thank you Emma! Oh God no! General McNamara, they got you too!

[EMMA]
Who’s General McNamara?

[PAUL]
He was a good man.

[PIEP SOLDIERS]
Sir! It’s Paul!
 106

[PAUL]
Run Emma, run!

[GEN. MCNAMARA, SUNG]

YOU CAN'T RUN
(YOU CAN'T RUN, YOU CAN'T RUN)
'CAUSE OUR BORDERS ARE CLOSED
(OUR BORDERS ARE CLOSED, OUR BORDERS ARE CLOSED)
YOU'RE STARING DOWN THE GUN

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
Oh my god! We have to get out of here!

[PAUL, SPOKEN]
But the helicopter’s coming to meet us here!

[GEN. MCNAMARA, SUNG]

'CAUSE YOU'RE EASILY DISPOSED

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
What are we supposed to do? Just go through them?

[PAUL]
I don’t know! Just run for it!

[GEN. MCNAMARA, SUNG]

THE FINAL SOLUTION
 107

IS A CHARTED COURSE AT THE WHIM OF OUR OWN EVOLUTION

SINGULARITY HAD THROUGH A PRE-DESTINED SELF-DESTRUCTION

[EMMA, SPOKEN]
Paul, watch out!

[GEN. MCNAMARA]
SO THAT WE MAY REBUILD AND EXPERIENCE A NEW CONSTRUCTION

(PAUL and EMMA are caught, GEN. MCNAMARA lifts PAUL up by the neck)

YEAH, WE'RE GREAT AGAIN

(Gunshot, PAUL falls to the floor coughing)

[EMMA]
Paul, the helicopter! Come on! (Exits with PAUL)

[GEN. MCNAMARA, as PEIP SOLDIERS exit]

WE'RE GREAT AGAIN
NO ANSWERS TO BE FOUND

WE'RE GREAT AGAIN

NO ANSWERS TO BE FOUND

Scene 18: The Helicopter

(Scene shifts to PAUL, EMMA, and a HELICOPTER PILOT, PAUL and
EMMA file inside)
 108

[EMMA]
Oh my God, Paul! We made it!

[PAUL]
No one else is coming, they’ve all been infected. Get us out of here!

[EMMA]
Yes! I thought I was going to fucking die in Hatchetfield! But we’re not, Paul!
We got out of there, and we’re never going back. Fuck you, Hatchetfield!

[PAUL]
Emma, seatbelts! It’s a little bumpy!

[EMMA]
Hey, hey! Ma’am, you really saved our asses back there.

[PAUL]
Ma’am! Thank you, hey!

[HELICOPTER PILOT, SUNG]

HEY MR. BUSINESS, HOW DO YOU DO?

[EMMA]
Zoey?

[HELICOPTER PILOT]
(Aiming gun at the two of them) CAN WE GET A TRIPLE FOR YOU?
 109

[PAUL & EMMA]

(In slow-motion voices) Nooooooooo!

(Gunshot)(alarms and sirens, sounds of the helicopter crashing)

[PAUL]
(After the madness) Emma? Emma!

[EMMA]
(Scoots on stage with a pole in her leg, in pain) Huuuuuh… !

[PAUL]
Emma! Oh god Emma! Your leg!

[EMMA]
Oh fuuuck! Ughh…

[PAUL]
Emma… I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for.

[EMMA]
Shiiiiiit…

[PAUL]
Emma! Emma, we’re still in Hatchetfield, we need to get to the shore! We
need to find a boat or something- (tries to help EMMA)

[EMMA]
 110

No no! Ahhhhhh! Paul, I can't make it. I’m not getting off the island.

[PAUL]
No, but Emma, those things are gonna find us. Okay, so-

[EMMA]
You gotta fucking kill them before they do. (Realizing) The meteor… You gotta
destroy the meteor, Paul. It’s like your friend said, you know. The hive mind?

[PAUL]
Which friend? Bill, Ted, Charlotte?

[EMMA]
I don’t know your friend’s fucking names! You take the head off, and the whole
thing goes down…

[PAUL]
Okay… Okay. Okay! (Grabbing grenades from the helicopter) So I just need
to get to the Starlight Theater, destroy the meteor, and all these things will
drop dead?

[EMMA]
Yeah, I sure as shit hope so…

[PAUL]
You stay here and try to hang on.

[EMMA]
 111

Hey… Paul? Um… I know why you came to Beanie’s all those times…
instead of just going to Starbucks. And it wasn’t ‘cause you like our shit
coffee… Our coffee was shit. ‘Cause we didn’t care- and sometimes we would
spit in it— and you might have drank my spit, but… I didn’t know you back
then, and I wish I did, but… Anyway, Paul… If we get through this, I would
love to see a nice- SILENT movie with you… But in case we don’t… Kiss me?

[PAUL]
… okay. (Both move in for the kiss)

[EMMA]
(Coughs up blood into PAUL’s face) Ugh…

[PAUL]
Oh… Oh Emma…

[EMMA]
Oh yeah, that’s a lot of blood… Uh, I think that- I think that’s all of it though, so
get back on in here.

[PAUL]
No thanks. No… I’m sorry.

[EMMA]
Yeah, you’re right. Fuck it. Get outta here…

[PAUL]
Okay. Byeeee… (exits)
 112

(Infected civilians enter)

[ALL]
DID YA HEAR THE WORD?
WHAT'S THE WORD?
HE'S A-COMIN'
WHO'S A-COMIN'?
PAUL'S A-COMIN
PAUL'S A-COMIN?
THE STAR OF THE SHOW
LET HIM COME

WORD
WHAT'S THE WORD?
HE'S A-COMIN'
WHO'S A-COMIN'?
PAUL'S A-COMIN
PAUL'S A-COMIN?
THE STAR OF THE SHOW
LET HIM COME

Scene 19: ‘Let It Out’

(PAUL enters the Starlight Theater)

[PAUL]
The old Starlight Theater. There it is. The meteor. (Pulls grenade out of his
sash)
 113

[BILL]
(Enters) We’ve been waiting for you, Paul!

[PAUL]
Bill! S-stay back!

[TED]
(Enters) Watch out Paul! He might kick your head.

[NORA]
(Enters) And that would be a la-dee-dah-dah-dah…

[PAUL]
Ted! … Emma’s boss!

[PROF. HIDGENS]
(Enters) That’s right Paul, all your best friends are here.

[MR. DAVIDSON]
(Enters) We’re happy now! We got what we wanted!

[PAUL]
No. No. Mr. Davidson didn’t want to become a mindless alien slave. He
wanted to be choked by his wife while he jerked off! Well, I’m going to put a
stop to all this!

[GREENPEACE GIRL]
(Enters) I thought you didn’t care about saving the planet.
 114

[PAUL]
Back off Greenpeace girl! I pull this pin and you’re all toast!

[NORA]
You wouldn’t do that, Paul.

[PAUL]
I sure as hell will.

[MR. DAVIDSON]
And what about you? You’d die too, is that what you want?

[PAUL]
It doesn’t matter what I want.

[BILL]
We think it does, Paul.

[TED]
And we wanna hear about it.

[MR. DAVIDSON]
(Music cue) In fact, we think there’s a song in you, yet!

(Sung)
WHAT'S IN YOUR SOUL?
 115

IS YOUR HEART SO DAMP AND BLEAK

THAT YOU WON’T GIVE US A PEEK OF YOUR SOUL?

[NORA]
JUST LET IT OUT
THERE'S A VOICE INSIDE OF YOU
ON THE EDGE OF COMING THROUGH
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

[PROFESSOR HIDGENS]
AND I KNOW IT'S A SINGULAR VOICE, PAUL
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO GIVE UP YOUR CHOICE

[ENSEMBLE]
JUST LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
JUST LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT—

[PAUL]
NEVER!

[PAUL, spoken]
What was that?

[GREENPEACE GIRL, spoken]

 116

You let it out

[PAUL/*INFECTED PAUL*]
WAS THAT A NOTE, *OR JUST A SOUND?*
*AM I FINALLY COMING ROUND TO RHYMING SCHEME?*
OH GOD!
JUST *STOP IT!* I’M SPLIT IN TWO!
IS THIS ME, *OR IS THIS YOU?*
*AM I DEAD?* I’M COMING APART
*AT THE SEAMS!*
*LA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA* - NO!
*NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!*

[ENSEMBLE]
JUST LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
JUST LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT

[PAUL/*INFECTED PAUL*]
I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY
*WOULDN’T THAT BE NICE?*
IS THIS THE SECRET?
*SINGING AND DANCING THROUGH LIFE?*
IS MY INTEGRITY WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL?
*BUT HAPPINESS CAN’T COME BEFORE ITS FALL*
 117

AM I CRAZY?
*MAYBE I’VE ALWAYS BEEN*
BECOME WHAT I’VE HATED?
*OR MAYBE I NEVER DID
IT’S AWFUL FREEING NOW*
TO SHARE THE HATE I FELT
BUT WHAT WILL I LET IN IF I
LET IT OUT?

[ENSEMBLE]
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!

[PAUL/*INFECTED PAUL*]
*AM I CRAZY?* I DON'T THINK SO

[ENSEMBLE]
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!

[*INFECTED PAUL*]
*MAYBE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN*

[ENSEMBLE]
JUST LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT!

[PAUL]
GOD HELP ME OUT!
 118

[ENSEMBLE]
LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT—

[PAUL]
IF I LET IT
OUT!

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
We will not be resisted!

[PAUL, spoken]
I don't like musicals! (he throws the grenade, this destroying the Starlight
Theater and the meteor)

Scene 20: ‘Inevitable’

[ROD]
This is the morning Clivesdale News with Rachel and Rod. It’s been two
weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield. Candlelight vigils
line the streets, as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this unspeakable
loss. Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield, gone in the blink of an
eye. A meteor and a ruptured gas line was all it took to wipe them off the map,
but it will take much, much more to wipe them from our hearts.

(Heart monitor beeps and NURSE enters)

[COLONEL SCHAFFER]
Is she ready to go? (The nurse nods and EMMA enters) How’s that leg doing,
Kelly?
 119

[EMMA]
Uh, yeah, why’d it have to be Kelly? I liked my old name. Couldn’t you have
picked something similar, like Emily or… that’s all I can think of.

[COL. SCHAFFER]
That’s a negative, Kelly. You’ll get used to it. In the meantime, we can't have
anyone making any connections between you and Emma Perkins, who
perished in the Hatchetfield Catastrophe.

[EMMA]
Yeah, that was the other thing- You couldn’t even give me a cool death? Like,
Emma Perkins, her flesh melted off while she was shielding children. Ya know
something heroic? I mean, it was my idea to destroy the meteor after all.

[COL. SCHAFFER]
(Tongue click) And Uncle Sam is not ungrateful. Here Kelly, this is for you.
(Hands EMMA a folder) Inside, you’ll find a new passport, social security card,
and the deed to a 5-acre plot of land in Colorado. Green. Fertile. Hell of a
place to grow some cannabis.

[EMMA]
Thanks. Um, Colonel Schaffer, you’re sure there were no other survivors?

[COL. SCHAFFER]
We’ve been through this, Kelly, there were no survivors. Except for one
pocket-sized squirrel we found burrowed in the chest of a local woodworker.

[EMMA]
Awww Peanuts! I’m glad he got out of there.
 120

[COL. SCHAFFER]
Now THAT is a story we can disclose to the public. In the wake of a tragedy
like this, a little bit of good news goes a long way.

[EMMA]
Yeah, it's just, um… Paul…

[COL. SCHAFFER]
He was a good man, Kelly. If not for his sacrifice, the outbreak would have
spread to the mainland. It was contained in Hatchetfield, but if it had gotten
loose here in Clivesdale, there’d be no stopping it. Goodbye, Kelly! Good luck
with the pot farm.

[EMMA]
Thanks.

[COL. SCHAFFER]
Oh! One more thing, you’ll be escorted to Colorado by a Mr. Ben Bridges.
He’s waiting outside.

[EMMA]
Oh, I don’t know any Ben Bridges.

[COL. SCHAFFER]
Well, according to our records, you two were very good friends. PEIP would
like to see it become something more. (Winks, then exits, as PAUL enters)

[EMMA]
Oh my God! Paul! (Overjoyed, she rushes to him) You made it! We made it!
(They embrace one another)
 121

[PAUL]
EMMA
I'M SORRY
YOU LOST
EMMA
I’M SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR WAY

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I MADE IT

AND THIS IS THE LIFE THAT I CHOSE?
WOULD YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT, EMMA?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU A STORY

THAT SETTLED ALL THE DUST?
I'M STILL THE MAN YOU TRUST
IT'S INEVITABLE FOR US

[EMMA, spoken]
No! Get away from me! You’re not Paul, you're one of them!

[PAUL]
BEFORE, I HAD NO AMBITION
BUT NOW MY LIFE IS A SONG
DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY?
IS IT SO TRAGICALLY WRONG?
 122

WHAT IF THE ONLY CHOICE IS

YOU HAVE TO SING TO SURVIVE?

[PAUL & NURSE]

WE MUST GO ON WITH THE SHOW
IT'S INEVITABLE

[PAUL]
TO KNOW WHAT I WANT NOW

[ENSEMBLE]
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT NOW

[PAUL]
EMMA, I WANT YOU
TO JOIN THE PARTY
AREN'T YOU GOING TO TIP ME?

[ENSEMBLE]
GET YOUR CUP OF COFFEE

[PAUL]
LOOK AT THE FUN WE'RE HAVING ALREADY!

[ENSEMBLE]
WHAT?
 123

[PAUL]
I FOUND MY CALLING
YOU CAN DO THE SAME NOW
PUT YOUR WORDS TO LYRICS
AND YOU'RE PLAYIN' THE GAME NOW
IT’S ALL THERE IS AND ALL THERE EVER WAS

[PAUL & ENSEMBLE]

EMMA!

[PAUL (ENSEMBLE)]
LET ME PUKE IN YOUR MOUTH, EM (AHH)
JUST OPEN YOUR FOOD BIN, GIRL (AHH)
AND YOU CAN JOIN THE HIVE
THEN SHOW ME YOUR—

[PAUL & ENSEMBLE]

HANDS!
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS!
GET ’EM UP OR YOU'RE SHIT OUTTA LUCK!
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
SHOW ME THOSE JAZZ HANDS!
OR I MIGHT BE INCLINED

[PAUL]
 124

TO PLANT MY SEED!

[ENSEMBLE]
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[PAUL]
THE HIVE NEEDS TO FEED!

[ENSEMBLE]
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[PAUL]
HAPPINESS IS GUARANTEED!

[ENSEMBLE]
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[PAUL]
IF YOU JUST GIVE US ONE LAST

[PAUL & ENSEMBLE]

SHOW-STOPPING NUMBER!
WITH EMMA FRONT AND CENTER!
A KICK LINE IS INEVITABLE!

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU A STORY

 125

HOW THE WORLD BECAME PEACEFUL AND JUST?

IT WAS INEVITABLE
INEVITABLE
INEVITABLE

[PAUL, spoken]
The apotheosis is upon—

[PAUL & ENSEMBLE]

US!

END OF ACT 2
THE END