You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones in schools. Do you agree or
disagree? Give explanations and examples for your response.

You should write at least 250 words.

In the digital age, parents tend to give their children allowance of having an electronic device
such as mobile phone along with them everywhere even at school, though, the students'
phones are prohibited. While the idea is true to some extent, I personally agree with the
concept of banning mobile phones of students in educational places.

First of all, mobile phones will distract school-age pupils from their studying, especially in
classes. This may consequently make students lack of concentration and cannot focus on
one specific lesson. For example, many young students, who are addicted to social media
and electronic games, always peek at their phones whenever they get bored in class and
find a way to use the devices confientially, thus those kids lost a chance to gain knowledge
and concentration.

Moreover, taking advatanges of phones also reduce vast of worthy communication

conducted in a student’s daily life, typcially during breaktimes when they are supposed to
join outdoor activities. When a student is allowed to bring a phone with them, they will use
the device all of time as long as they are free to do it. As a result, every pupils will only
befriend with their own phone playing games, doing stuffs and ultimately avoid all
conversations with each aher and have physical issue due to the laziness and not attending
any outdor activities.

In conclusion, the prohibition of bringing phones along with students to school is completely
a wise idea because this can prevent students from losing concentration as well as
relationship and friendship among them.

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: In the digital age, parents tend to give their children allowance of having an
electronic device such as mobile phone along with them everywhere even at school, though,
the students' phones are prohibited. While the idea is true to some extent, I personally agree
with the concept of banning mobile phones of students in educational places.

Feedback for Introduction:

Clear Position: The introduction effectively states your position by agreeing with the
concept of banning mobile phones in educational places. This clear stance sets a strong
foundation for the argument that follows.

Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the topic of
whether teenagers should be allowed to use mobile phones in schools. However, it could be
improved by directly addressing the specific aspects of the debate, such as the impact on
learning and social interactions.

Brief Overview: The introduction lacks a brief overview of the main points that will be
discussed in the essay. Including a sentence that outlines the key arguments against and for
banning mobile phones would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the
introduction's effectiveness.
Improved Introduction: In the digital age, the debate over whether teenagers should be
allowed to use mobile phones in schools remains contentious. While some argue that these
devices enhance learning and social interactions, others contend that they distract from
academic pursuits and hinder meaningful communication among students. As a proponent
of banning mobile phones in educational settings, I believe that this measure is crucial for
maintaining a focused and interactive learning environment. This essay will explore the
reasons why prohibiting mobile phones in schools is essential for both academic and social
development.

Main Point 1: First of all, mobile phones will distract school-age pupils from their studying,
especially in classes. This may consequently make students lack of concentration and
cannot focus on one specific lesson. For example, many young students, who are addicted
to social media and electronic games, always peek at their phones whenever they get bored
in class and find a way to use the devices confientially, thus those kids lost a chance to gain
knowledge and concentration.

Feedback for Main Point 1:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively links the presence of mobile phones in
classrooms to distractions and decreased focus among students. The logical flow from the
distraction to the inability to focus and learn is clear and well-structured.

Overgeneralizations: The claim that all students who use their phones in class are addicted
to social media and electronic games might be an overgeneralization. Not all students who
use their phones in class are necessarily addicted, and the argument could benefit from
acknowledging this variability.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The example of students peeking at

their phones during class is relevant and effectively illustrates the point. However, the
argument could be strengthened by discussing specific educational settings where this
distraction is particularly prevalent or by providing a broader range of examples to support
the claim.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The phrase "find a way to use the devices
confientially" is somewhat awkward and unclear. It would be clearer to say "find ways to use
their devices discreetly."

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that the mere presence of mobile
phones in class automatically leads to distraction and decreased focus. This overlooks the
possibility that some students might use their phones for educational purposes or that some
teachers might incorporate technology into their teaching methods effectively.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is somewhat assertive, which could be
softened to acknowledge that while many students might be distracted by their phones, not
all are equally affected.

Overall Evaluation: Extended and Supported but Over-Generalized

Suggestions for Improvement:

Broaden the Discussion: Expand the discussion to include how teachers can effectively
manage the use of mobile phones in class, such as through educational apps or by setting
clear rules and consequences.
Introduce Counterpoints: Acknowledge that some students might use their phones for
educational purposes or that some teachers might find ways to integrate technology into
their teaching that does not distract students.

Clarify and Refine Language: Improve the clarity of expressions to make the argument
more accessible and understandable. For example, replace "confientially" with "discreetly"
and clarify the role of mobile phones in educational settings.

Balance the Argument: Provide a more balanced view by discussing both the potential
benefits and drawbacks of allowing mobile phones in schools, such as the potential for
educational apps or the need for students to be digitally literate in a modern world.

Improved Main Point 1: Mobile phones can significantly distract school-age students from
their studies, particularly in class, leading to decreased focus and reduced learning
outcomes. Many students, who are often drawn to social media and electronic games,
frequently glance at their phones during lessons, which can hinder their ability to concentrate
and absorb educational content. This distraction not only affects their academic performance
but also diminishes their opportunities for meaningful interactions with peers and teachers,
potentially leading to social isolation and physical inactivity during breaks.

Main Point 2: Moreover, taking advatanges of phones also reduce vast of worthy
communication conducted in a student’s daily life, typcially during breaktimes when they are
supposed to join outdoor activities. When a student is allowed to bring a phone with them,
they will use the device all of time as long as they are free to do it. As a result, every pupils
will only befriend with their own phone playing games, doing stuffs and ultimately avoid all
conversations with each aher and have physical issue due to the laziness and not attending
any outdor activities.

Feedback for Main Point 2:

Argumentative Logic: The argument that mobile phones reduce face-to-face

communication and outdoor activities among students is logically sound. It effectively
connects the presence of phones with decreased social interaction and physical activity,
which are important aspects of student development. However, the argument could be
strengthened by more explicitly linking these behaviors to specific educational or social
outcomes.

Overgeneralizations: The statement that students will "use the device all of time as long as
they are free to do it" is an overgeneralization. While it's true that many students might use
their phones excessively, it doesn't account for those who might use their phones
responsibly or for educational purposes.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The idea that phones reduce
communication and outdoor activities is relevant and supports the main argument. However,
the effectiveness of this point could be enhanced by providing more specific examples or
scenarios where these behaviors have negative impacts on students' social and physical
development.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The phrase "typcially during breaktimes" is

misspelled and should be corrected to "typically." Additionally, the term "doing stuffs" is
vague and could be clarified to specify what activities students are engaging in instead of
interacting with their phones.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all students who bring phones to
school will use them excessively and avoid social interactions. This overlooks the possibility
that some students might use their phones for educational purposes or to stay connected
with family and friends.

Overly Assertive Language: The definitive statements about students' behavior could be
softened to acknowledge that while many students might engage in these behaviors, it's not
universal. Phrases like "may use" or "often use" would provide a more balanced perspective.

Overall Evaluation: Insufficiently Developed or Lack Clarity

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail Specific Impacts: Expand on how reduced communication and outdoor activities
specifically affect students' social and physical development. Discuss potential long-term
consequences, such as increased isolation, decreased physical health, or reduced social
skills.

Introduce Counterpoints: Consider discussing scenarios where mobile phones might be

used positively in educational settings, such as for educational apps or to facilitate group
projects. This would provide a more balanced view of the issue.

Clarify and Specify Language: Correct spelling errors and clarify vague terms to improve
the clarity and professionalism of the argument.

Balance the Argument: Soften definitive statements to reflect the variability in student
behavior and the potential benefits of mobile phones in educational contexts. This would
make the argument more nuanced and reflective of the complexities involved in this issue.

Improved Main Point 2: Revised Main Point: Mobile phones significantly reduce face-to-
face communication and outdoor activities among students, particularly during school
breaks. When allowed to bring their phones to school, many students tend to use them
extensively, often at the expense of engaging in social interactions and physical activities.
This excessive phone use can lead to a decline in social skills and physical health, as
students become increasingly isolated and sedentary. While some students might use their
phones responsibly for educational purposes, the overall trend suggests that the presence of
mobile devices in schools can hinder the development of essential social and physical skills.

Conclusion: In conclusion, the prohibition of bringing phones along with students to school
is completely a wise idea because this can prevent students from losing concentration as
well as relationship and friendship among them.

Feedback for Conclusion:

Clear Position: The conclusion clearly states a position in favor of prohibiting mobile
phones in schools, emphasizing the benefits of maintaining focus and social relationships
among students. This clear stance is consistent with the arguments presented throughout
the essay. To enhance clarity, consider refining the phrasing to make it more concise and
direct, such as: "The prohibition of mobile phones in schools is a wise decision, as it helps
students maintain focus and foster meaningful social interactions."

Relevance: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the essay,
highlighting the negative impacts of mobile phones on student focus and social interactions.
However, to improve relevance, it could be beneficial to briefly recap the specific examples
or scenarios mentioned in the body paragraphs that support these claims. This would
reinforce the connection between the arguments and the conclusion, making the conclusion
more impactful and directly tied to the essay's content.
Improved Conclusion: In conclusion, the prohibition of mobile phones in schools is a wise
decision, as it helps students maintain focus and foster meaningful social interactions. By
limiting distractions and encouraging outdoor activities, this policy promotes a healthier and
more engaging educational environment.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a
position against the use of mobile phones in schools. The writer presents arguments
supporting this stance, such as distractions in class and the negative impact on social
interactions. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the topic
by acknowledging potential counterarguments or benefits of mobile phone use in schools,
which would provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt.

How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider briefly discussing the
potential advantages of mobile phones in educational settings, such as access to information
or educational apps. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic
and strengthen the overall argument.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against mobile phone use in
schools throughout the text. The writer consistently supports this position with relevant
examples, such as the distraction caused by phones and the impact on social interactions.
However, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position, as it initially presents a
somewhat ambiguous statement about the allowance of mobile phones.

How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the
introduction without ambiguity. A clear thesis statement that directly answers the prompt
would help set the tone for the rest of the essay.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the negative effects of
mobile phones, such as distraction and reduced social interaction. However, the
development of these ideas could be more robust. For instance, the examples provided are
somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific details or statistics to strengthen the
argument.

How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more concrete
examples or evidence. For instance, citing studies on the impact of mobile phone use on
academic performance or providing specific scenarios of how phones disrupt learning could
enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative
implications of mobile phone use in schools. However, there are moments where the
language becomes unclear, such as "reduce vast of worthy communication," which detracts
from the overall coherence and focus of the argument.
How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all language used is
precise and clear. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing
would help improve clarity and coherence, ensuring that the argument remains focused and
easy to follow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear
argument against mobile phone use in schools. By addressing the suggestions for
improvement, the writer can enhance the depth and clarity of their response, potentially
raising their band score in the Task Response criteria.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue of mobile phone
usage in schools, which is a strength. The introduction effectively states the writer's
agreement with the ban, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint.
However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from the first point
about distraction to the second point about reduced communication is somewhat abrupt. The
connection between these ideas could be made clearer to enhance the overall coherence.

How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that
explicitly link ideas. For example, after discussing distractions, you could introduce the next
point with a phrase like, "In addition to distractions, mobile phones also hinder meaningful
interactions among students." This would create a smoother transition and reinforce the
relationship between the points.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with a clear introduction,
body, and conclusion. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct reason supporting the
argument. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. The first paragraph could
benefit from more examples or elaboration on how distractions manifest in the classroom.
The second paragraph, while addressing communication, lacks depth and could be more
focused on specific examples of how mobile phones impact social interactions.

How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, aim to develop each point more
thoroughly. For instance, in the second body paragraph, you could provide specific
scenarios where students miss opportunities for social interaction due to phone usage.
Additionally, consider using topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each
paragraph, which would help guide the reader through your argument.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all" and
"moreover," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is
limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, the phrase "thus those
kids lost a chance to gain knowledge and concentration" could be better linked to the
previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.

How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of
linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "as a result." Additionally,
ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. For instance, you could
rephrase the transition between sentences to clarify how distractions lead to a lack of
concentration, thereby enhancing the overall flow of ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a
clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph development, and the use
of cohesive devices could elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with

terms such as "distract," "concentration," "addicted," and "prohibition." However, the
vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "mobile
phones" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the
lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases like "electronic device" could have been
complemented with terms like "smartphone" or "gadget" to enhance variety.

How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and
related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "mobile
phones," the writer could alternate with "smart devices," "cell phones," or "handheld
technology." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help expand
the range of vocabulary used.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that
may confuse the reader. For example, the phrase "students' phones are prohibited" could be
more clearly stated as "students are prohibited from using their phones." Additionally, the
phrase "make students lack of concentration" is awkward; a more precise expression would
be "lead to a lack of concentration among students."

How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical
correctness. Revising sentences for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that phrases
convey the intended meaning can significantly improve the essay. For instance, instead of
"reduce vast of worthy communication," the writer could say "reduce meaningful
communication." Reading more academic texts can help the writer become familiar with
precise vocabulary usage.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall
quality. Words such as "advantanges" (advantages), "confientially" (confidentially), "typcially"
(typically), "each aher" (each other), and "outdor" (outdoor) are misspelled. These errors can
distract the reader and undermine the writer's credibility.

How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work
carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help
identify spelling mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises and quizzes can
reinforce correct spelling habits.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there are clear
areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing
these issues, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially
achieve a higher band score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such
as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence employs
a complex structure with multiple clauses: "In the digital age, parents tend to give their
children allowance of having an electronic device such as mobile phone along with them
everywhere even at school." However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences
follow a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, there are
instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the concept of banning mobile phones of students
in educational places," which could be more clearly expressed.

How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice
using a mix of short, impactful sentences alongside longer, more complex ones.
Incorporating different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, conditional clauses) can also
add depth. For example, instead of saying "students lack of concentration," the writer could
say, "students who lack concentration may struggle to keep up with their lessons." This not
only varies the structure but also clarifies the meaning.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation
issues that detract from its clarity and professionalism. For example, "make students lack of
concentration" should be "make students lack concentration," and "confientially" is a
misspelling of "confidentially." Additionally, the phrase "reduce vast of worthy
communication" is awkward and unclear; it should be rephrased for better understanding.
Punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "though, the students' phones are
prohibited," further complicate the reading experience.

How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common
grammatical structures and rules, such as subject-verb agreement and proper use of
articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts.
Additionally, proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors before submission is essential.
Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in
identifying and correcting mistakes.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, it requires significant improvement
in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on
diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will greatly benefit the
writer's overall performance.
Bài chữa tham khảo
In the digital age, parents often allow their children to carry electronic devices, such as
mobile phones, with them everywhere, including school. However, students' phones are
typically prohibited in educational settings. While this practice has some merit, I personally
agree with the idea of banning mobile phones for students in schools.

First of all, mobile phones can distract school-age pupils from their studies, particularly
during classes. This distraction can lead to a lack of concentration, making it difficult for
students to focus on specific lessons. For instance, many young students who are addicted
to social media and electronic games often sneak glances at their phones whenever they
feel bored in class. They find ways to use their devices discreetly, which ultimately results in
missed opportunities for learning and a decline in their ability to concentrate.

Moreover, the use of phones can significantly reduce valuable communication that occurs in
a student’s daily life, especially during break times when they should engage in outdoor
activities. When students are permitted to bring phones to school, they tend to use them
constantly whenever they have free time. Consequently, pupils may end up spending all
their time engrossed in their devices, playing games or browsing the internet, which leads to
a lack of interaction with their peers. This behavior can hinder the development of
friendships and social skills, as well as contribute to physical issues due to inactivity and
neglecting outdoor activities.

In conclusion, prohibiting students from bringing mobile phones to school is a wise decision.
This measure can help prevent distractions and foster better relationships and friendships
among students.

Từ vựng tham khảo

Word Meaning and Example

Distraction (Sự phân tâm) Something that prevents

someone from concentrating on something
else. Example: Mobile phones serve as a
significant _______ in classrooms.

Proponent (Người ủng hộ) A person who advocates for

or supports a particular idea or policy.
Example: Many educators are _______ of
banning mobile phones in schools.

Engagement (Sự tham gia) Involvement or participation

in an activity. Example: Students’ _______
in learning can decrease significantly due to
phone usage.
Word Meaning and Example

Pedagogical (Giáo dục) Relating to the methods and

practice of teaching. Example: Educators
must consider the _______ implications of
allowing phone use in the classroom.

Disruptive (Gây rối) Causing or tending to cause

disruption. Example: The _______ nature of
mobile phones can hinder a student’s
academic performance.

Proliferation (Sự gia tăng) Rapid increase or spread.

Example: The _______ of smartphones
among teens raises concerns about their
use in educational settings.

Concentration (Sự tập trung) The ability to focus attention

on a specific task. Example: The use of
phones in class can diminish students’
_______ on lessons.

Impediment (Trở ngại) An obstacle that hinders

progress or activity. Example: Mobile
phones can be an _______ to effective
learning and teaching processes.

Facilitate (Tạo điều kiện) To make an action or

process easier. Example: Mobile devices
can _______ access to information, but
they also distract students from lessons.

Accountability (Trách nhiệm) The obligation to report,

explain, or justify something; responsible for
an action. Example: Schools should
promote _______ for students regarding
phone use.