Who’s On First?

(Costello is joining Abbot’s Baseball team, and is seeking knowledge necessary to get to know
the team. Abbot gladly provides.)
COSTELLO: Hey Abbott!
ABBOTT: Mornin’ Costello.
COSTELLO: So, I’m joining your team.
ABBOTT: So I’ve heard! Glad to have you on. Now, naturally, you’ll have to learn the others’
names.
COSTELLO: That would be useful.
ABBOTT: I will warn you, though.
COSTELLO interjecting: Oh?
ABBOTT: Players can have really, really weird names these days.
COSTELLO: I’m sure they can’t be *that* weird. Fire away.
ABBOTT: Let’s see… starting in the infield. We have Who on first.
(COSTELLO exhibits a look of confusion)
ABBOTT, continuing: What is on second… and I Don’t Know is on third.
COSTELLO, dumbfounded: So… You’re the manager…
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: And you don’t know the player’s names…???
ABBOTT: I do too know their names!
COSTELLO: If you know their names, then tell me this. Who’s on First?
ABBOTT: Yep.
COSTELLO: No, no, that was the question.
ABBOTT: And you got it right!
COSTELLO: Please just tell me who is playing first base.
ABBOTT: That he is.
COSTELLO: Please tell me his name.
ABBOTT: Who?
COSTELLO: The guy on first base.
ABBOTT: Yeah, Who.
COSTELLO: That’s what I’m asking you for!
ABBOTT: Who’s Name?
COSTELLO: I’ve already told you! The person who is playing first base!
ABBOTT: Oh….. Who.
COSTELLO: Why won’t you tell me what the first baseman’s name is?
ABBOTT: No, What plays second base.
COSTELLO: I’m just trying to figure out who plays first base. I don’t care who’s on second.
ABBOTT: No, who’s on first.
COSTELLO: I. DON’T. KNOW.
ABBOT: No, he’s on third.
COSTELLO: I’m not talking about third base.
ABBOTT. Well, that was his name.
COSTELLO: If I said his name, whose name did I say for third base?
ABBOTT: No, Who is on First.
COSTELLO: No, no, what name did I say that was the third baseman’s?
ABBOTT: No, he’s on second.
COSTELLO: I’m not asking who’s on second.
ABBOTT: Who’s on first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
ABBOTT: He’s on third.
COSTELLO: And would you please let me know the third baseman’s name?
ABBOTT: I Don’t Know.
COSTELLO: Please tell me who’s on third!
ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting who on third?
COSTELLO: Who am I putting on third?
ABBOTT:Yes, and he doesn’t go there.
COSTELLO: So what is the third baseman’s name?
ABBOTT: No, What is on second.
COSTELLO: Who’s on second?
ABBOTT: Who’s on first.
COSTELLO: I DON’T KNOW!
BOTH: THIRD BASE!
*BOTH stand for a few seconds*
COSTELLO: So, is there an… outfield?
ABBOTT: Well of course There is!
COSTELLO: Do I even want to ask for the left fielder’s name?
ABBOTT: Why.
COSTELLO: I was curious, and thought I’d ask you.
ABBOTT: And I just thought I’d tell you!
COSTELLO, fuming: So who’s playing left field?
ABBOTT: No, who’s on fi-
COSTELLO: STAY OUT OF THE INFIELD!!! I. JUST. WANT. TO. KNOW. WHAT. THE. LEFT.
FIELDERS. NAME. IS.
ABBOTT: What’s on second.
COSTELLO snippily: I’m not asking you who’s on second.
ABBOTT: Who’s on first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know!
BOTH: THIRD BASE!!
COSTELLO: So… the Left Fielder’s name is…
ABBOTT: … Why.
COSTELLO: Because.
ABBOTT: Oh. He’s in Center Field.
COSTELLO: *sigh*(make this a long sigh.) Do you have a pitcher?
ABBOTT: Yeah.
COSTELLO: And their name is…
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: You don’t want to tell me today?
ABBOTT: I’m telling you now.
COSTELLO: Then go ahead.
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: What time?
ABBOTT: What time what?
COSTELLO: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
ABBOTT: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on f-
COSTELLO: IF YOU TELL ME WHO’S ON FIRST ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO HURT
YOU. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE PITCHER’S NAME IS.
ABBOTT: What’s on second.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
BOTH: THIRD BASE!!!
(BOTH stand for a few seconds again)
COSTELLO: Okay, I gotta try to sort this out. So, if, as you say, Tomorrow is pitching.
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: So. Tomorrow throws the ball. The other team’s batter decides to bunt the ball. So I
pick up the ball, and throw it to… Who?
ABBOTT: That’s the first thing you’ve said right!
COSTELLO, exasperated: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
ABBOTT: Well, that’s all you have to do.
COSTELLO: Is throw the ball to first base.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Now… who’s got it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: I threw the ball to first base and who’s caught it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Who caught it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally.
ABBOTT: No no no. You throw the ball to first base and who gets it? (attempting to lead
COSTELLO to the same conclusion)
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s right. There we go.
COSTELLO: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally.
ABBOTT: You don’t.
COSTELLO: So I throw it to who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!!!
ABBOTT: No, you’re not.
COSTELLO: I said I throw the ball to naturally.
ABBOTT: You don’t. You throw the ball to who?
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: Thank you.
COSTELLO: So I throw the ball to Naturally,
ABBOTT: No.
COSTELLO: I throw it to who?
ABBOTT: Yes, you throw it to who.
COSTELLO: SO… I throw the ball to whoever, they drop the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Whoever it is throws it to what, what throws it to I Don’t Know, and I Don’t Know throws it back
to Tomorrow. Triple Play.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Another guy gets up, and hits the ball to Because. Why? I Don’t Know. He’s on
third and I don’t care.
ABBOTT: What was that?
COSTELLO: I. DON’T. CARE.
ABBOTT: Oh. That’s our shortstop.