The Apology
The sound of mellow and quiet thuds of raindrops from the dark and gloomy clouds
wakes me up from a long sleep which should have continued if not for this sudden
change of the weather overnight. I lay awake on my bed which is slightly creaking
at every small movement I make, I'm scared even to move my eyes around the room as
I think it will cause another sound disturbing the bittersweet ambience. My eyelids
feel heavy, I close them and suddenly I am not living.
Ever since the day of Christmas, every night I felt as if someone were next to me
in my double-sized bed. It only made sense that another person would be sleeping
there beside me. I turn away to the other side as I find it more comfortable, I
still feel the presence. Seasons pass me by, I feel two arms wrapping around my
waist. I shiver as if I felt a strong breeze, I slowly turn around to see my lover
embracing me.
I never saw their face, how did I instinctively know who that was? I must
unconsciously be a psychic after all, that would only explain how I knew that Dan
would try to kill himself on the twenty-second of April. I did not go to save him,
but his brother Tim managed to with his words, something I could never do. Is
suffering death that much better than suffering life?
It is still early in the morning and all I have done is fall asleep again and think
about death. Guilt surrounds me and I feel suffocated by my lack of productivity
this winter. A sudden outburst of heavy rain comes forth, it is cold outside of my
blanket. I muster up the strength to get up, the bed makes a huge creak. It is not
that cold, it is just the illusion of it from the comfort.
I open the door and go to the bathroom, I see the green and black vinelike tiles
and a bath with warm water has been prepared. Usually, I would take cold showers to
prove my masculinity to myself. I get in expecting an overflow from the bath but it
perfectly stays within no matter how much I move. The warm water reminds me of the
ignorant bliss of childhood, which I know is being falsely romanticised by me. The
reason I can barely remember mine speaks for itself.
The kitchen door is open, expecting a surprise visit from my lover, I excitedly
open the door. To my dismay, she is right there or I think she is. But, why does
she have no face? Silently, I go over to her and naturally, I embrace her. And
then, I kiss her... no, I stop midway with my head already tilted. I feel light-
headed, I go out to the balcony to have a breath of fresh air but the rain pouring
down at an angle stings my face multiple times.
I come back to my room, and breakfast prepared by my lover lays on my table for me
to eat. A warm cup of coffee, a pair of croissants and a sweet pastry. These types
of breakfasts never seem to fill my appetite but I eat it, grateful to her for
making it. Today, I was feeling extra hungry even after breakfast, maybe it was
because I had been on an empty stomach for too long.
The rain has quieted down, I sit down at my desk to get some reading done, I cannot
focus so I stop. My phone rang, I got scared by my ringtone and the vibration. It
was someone named "Worm no. 1", it must be one of my friends. He asked me about my
opinion on an idea he had for a business plan, it is terrible and downright
illegal. I bluntly told him so and insulted him maybe, he said that I seemed moody
and irritated. He hung up on me before I could. I feel a terrible headache overcome
me, I am dizzy and nauseous. Something is indescribably wrong with me, I need help.
Tim is a licensed doctor who studied in Australia but he chooses to work at a local
clinic. Today is his day off, I can go visit his house and get some advice. I don't
like going to hospitals, I hate taking medicine, and worse I despise almost all
doctors. Tim's house is only a few blocks down the street, the rain has cleared out
by now although dark clouds still surround my head. I limp my way there and with
immense struggle, I reach there eventually. He is there standing at his door,
almost as if waiting for me. He sees me struggling and comes over immediately and
asks if I am okay but clearly, I'm not.
He takes my arms on his shoulder, he cannot even support me for god's sake. He
shouts, "Dan! Come out here quick." With both of their strengths combined, they
managed to take me to Dan's room even though I was supposed to be in the medical
room upstairs. They were too exhausted to carry me upstairs so Tim thought it would
be best to do the checkup there. His room is plain white with almost no spots,
impressive for such a colour.
Tim and Dan are both there trying to hide their exhaustion. Tim goes to get his
medical supplies and Dan goes with him to help, I was close to offering help
looking at their state but then I remembered my own. They come back with a box
carried with instruments that I forget the names of. I am sitting on a couch next
to the bed, Dan decides to stay there, he wants to carry on with his work as soon
as we are done.
Tim sits next to me on the couch, the examination is quite awkward as we're trying
to face each other while sitting next to each other. Dan is sitting under a fan on
his chair facing towards us. They feel much closer than they are, they both easily
lie within my view. Tim examines in the utmost silence, it is deafening with
anxiety.
After a long stare, Tim looks at me and says, "So, what happened this time?" It
seems I have been here before, and both Tim and Dan are looking at me with
intrigue, I try to answer by saying that I was feeling unwell but before my words
come out, a flash of lightning appears and I look out the window. I turn towards
them again, suddenly their faces are no more. Nothing of it remains, not even in my
memory.
A roar of thunder shakes me to the core. I stare at their "faces", why does this
feel so familiar? Suddenly I understand it all, I look at Dan and say, "I am you."
then I turn to Tim and say, "And you are me." They are not speaking, I look above
at the ceiling at the fan. There is the black belt gifted to me by my beloved,
attached to the fan with a knot. All the rest of the things given to me by her are
stacked on top of each other for me to reach the height of the belt's eye. I look
at the digital clock, it's 8:14 PM, the day is Sunday and the date says the twenty-
second of April.
