PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

MODULE 11: BUILDING AND MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

INTRODUCTION
During this stage of adolescence, teens
like you become more independent from your
parents and gain more control over making
decisions. Studies also showed that you spend
less time with parents and more time with
friends. Your relationships are crucial for it is
strongly linked to your well-being. Failing to
understand the nature of your interactions
may lead to unhealthy bonds with others in the
present and the future.
[Link]
Learning Targets:
At the end of this lesson, you should be able to
 discuss an understanding of teen-age relationships, including the acceptable and
unacceptable expressions of attractions; and
 express his/her ways of showing attraction, love, and commitment

Try This!

Answer the following questions on your journal.

1. How do you understand the following words?

 relationship
 personal relationships
 love
 commitment
 attraction

2. Why are relationships important to us humans?

3. What are the most common problems in a relationship?

*Adapted from Personal Development Teacher’s Guide

LESSON 1: Personal Relationships among Adolescents

Do This!

STATEMENTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

State whether these statements are True or False. Write your answers on your journal.

1. It is important to work on communicating our feelings in relationships.

2. To love someone, we must love our self first.

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 3. Trying to understand where other people are coming from rather than judging them
helps us build and maintain relationships.
4. Having a good relationship does not contribute anything to us having good health.
5. When people listen deeply and let us know that they recognize the feeling behind our
words, more likely than not, our relationship is doing good.
6. In our relationships, it is vital that we practice forgiveness when a loved one has hurt
us.
7. Our loved ones cannot help us when we deal with stress.
8. Using positive methods to resolve conflict will more likely help us maintain good
relationships.
9. Expressing gratitude to our friends and family help us maintain good relationships.
10. Significant differences in core values and beliefs never create a problem in relationships.
11. We are happy in our relationships when our loved ones stay connected by spending time
with us and letting us know that they love us.
12. Excessive reliance on social media can be a cause of tension in relationships.
13. Relationships are static; they are unchangeable.
14. Being compassionate, forgiving and grateful contribute to healthy relationships.
15. To fully enjoy and benefit from relationships we need skills, information, inspiration,
practice, and social support.

*Adapted from Personal Development Teacher’s Guide

Explore!

PAUSE FOR A THOUGHT:

Who are the people closest to you?
How often do you talk to them?
Why do you consider them your closest relationships?

Keep this in Mind!

During the childhood years, you choose your relationships based on their availability
for play. Your time with one another is controlled as parents dictate as to how much time you
are allowed to be with others. In adolescence, you gain more independence from your parents
and more in control of your time. You also now have more control as to whom you should build
relationships with.
A sense of belongingness plays an important factor in your friendships. You seek a social
environment where you will feel safe, accepted, respected, understood, and loved. The
environment you are in contributes to your identity.
Identity is how you view yourself, based on your abilities, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs,
past experiences, etc. It is summed up in your sense of uniqueness. Identity changes through
time as you gain more experience through adulthood.
What are your significant relationships? How do these shape your well-being and
identity?

Important Relationships in Adolescence

Family
Parents are the primary relationships you have. Parents are expected to look after you
and provide for you. They decide your environment, church, and school.

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Though you become more independent from your parents during adolescence, it does not mean
that you are replacing your parents with your friends. In fact, parents can act as mentors or
coaches to you when it comes to relating to others.

Peers
Peers are a set of individuals who are of the same age or maturity. Peers are those you
spend time playing or hanging out with.
Studies found that you spend more time with peers than with your parents. While you
previously receive your sense of emotional security from your parents, you draw out your sense
of protection from the relationships you form outside the home.
Having peers can be positive or negative. Some psychologists argue that having peers
helps you become more sensitive to the needs of others and see things from a different
perspective. It also shapes you to be skilled and sensitive in intimate relationships which are
necessary for dating relationships and marriage later in life.
In some cases, you earn your way into a peer group by conforming to behaviors you do
not initially approve of such as smoking, drinking, stealing, etc. When you are influenced to
follow attitudes, behaviors, and culture to be accepted in a group, you experience peer
pressure. Rejection from a peer group could be a result of non-conformity.

Intimacy and Similarity in Friendship

Intimacy and similarity are two crucial keys to your friendships. Intimacy is self-
disclosure or sharing your private thoughts to another person. For you, a person is considered
a friend when they talk about personal thoughts, feelings, and problems. Compare it to
friendships among younger children; such self-disclosure and mutual understanding are often
absent. This makes your relationships crucial as it involves emotions and vulnerability.
You discover that your concerns are common as you disclose your private thoughts to
your friends. You begin to realize that your friend can be just as sensitive or trustworthy just
like them.
Friendship among adolescent girls is more intimate than among adolescent boys. This
may be rooted in the assumption that girls are more relational than boys. Other than that,
there still exists a stereotype that boys who express their emotions are “weak” or “wimps” and
judged as unable to handle their problems. This view needs to be challenged as boys should
also be given a safe space to disclose their thoughts and feelings.
The similarity in friendship is having the same interests, abilities, background,
organization, etc. At times, you determine who your friends are based on your similarities in
interests with another person. If a friend likes the things you like, then you are most likely to
do the same things they do, and you might as well do them together.
School clubs, church groups, and organizations are some of the places where you find
friends. Similarities in the background such as coming from the same hometown; having the
same level of performance in academics; same interests in hobbies like music or dance bring
you together and form friendships among other adolescents. Similarities in friendships give
you a sense of belonging.

Dating and Relationships

“Will she go out with me?” “What does he think of my hair?” “What do I say next?” “Does
he like me back?” Those are the questions you ask yourself whenever you consider dating
someone else.
As peer groups form, some of you engage in dating. Dating is a form of interaction with
the intention of getting to know another person better. Back then, people dated with the
intention of finding a mate and marrying them.

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Romantic Love
Having crushes or interest in another person is common among adolescents. Hormonal
changes, exposure to media with romantic content, the trend among friends contribute to your
exploration of the idea of romance. You may opt to act on how you feel or not. An overview of
the concept of attraction, love, and commitment may help you face these things responsibly.
Romantic love or passionate love is common among adolescents. It is associated with
a strong desire to be with someone you are interested in. Such strong desire is called
infatuation or the feeling of being overwhelmed by someone you like. A less serious desire for
someone else can be called attraction.
Admiration in looks, performance in academics, sports, or music, personality, and
character may cause the infatuation or attraction among adolescents. Other factors that can
stimulate romance between two adolescent friends are intimacy; time spent together, and
shared beliefs and experiences.
Not every adolescent experiences infatuation or having crushes. And not everyone who
experiences infatuation act on taking the relationship with the person they are interested into
another level. Some prefer to focus on their studies or follow the advice of their parents to
abstain from engaging in romantic relationships.
Romantic love or infatuation highly affects adolescents emotionally. It can be a positive
experience when you feel happy being around your crush. It can also be a negative experience
as the idea of being in a relationship can consume you, distracting you from your
responsibilities at home and school. Those who want a relationship but never had any may
also compare yourself to those who do. This may bring depression and feelings of loneliness.
Mood swings are evident in adolescents who are in relationships. You can get extremely
happy for being with your partner and then suddenly feel sad for fighting with them.
Romantic ideas change you internally and externally. Behaviors, reactions, and
interactions towards another person change as soon as you realize your interest in another
person.

Clarity and Commitment

Better interpersonal skills such as being more sensitive to the needs of others, getting
along, conflict management, and more are some of the things you gain in intimate platonic
friendships and romantic relationships.
Though expressions of attraction and love were previously discussed, sending and
receiving these actions from another person does not mean that a relationship will take place.
Unmet expectations can cause heartbreaks, frustration, and depression to adolescents.
Therefore, clarity between two individuals who exchange romantic gestures is
important.
To avoid confusion and to raise false hopes, actions expressing attraction and love must be
done with the intention of asking someone on a date or relationship. You must avoid expressing
sweet gestures just to play around as it will raise someone else’s hopes to be in a relationship
or make him/her uncomfortable. The best way you can do when faced with romantic feelings
towards a friend is to do the following:

1. Assess Your Emotions

Evaluate why you are attracted to another person. Are you attracted because of his/her
looks? Achievements? Status? How he/she makes you feel? Are your feelings beyond attraction
and escalating to love?

2. Make a Decision
Do you want to enter into a relationship with this person? Will your friends and family
approve of your decision? How will this affect your other responsibilities? Is it the right time?
Can you handle being responsible for another person?

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3. Clarify Intentions
In most cultures, males are expected to initiate the relationship, while females respond
to these invitations. Given the premise, a male adolescent who decides to enter a committed
relationship with female adolescent must state his intentions. The female adolescent may
respond by accepting or rejecting his offer.
LESSON 2: Acceptable and Unacceptable Expressions of Attraction

Do This!

The One
Attraction varies from person to person. It is good to be aware of what attracts you to
be able to assess the kinds of relationships you will engage in the present or the future.
In your journal, list down traits you find admirable or attractive in another person. Give
at least five for every attribute:

Explore!

PAUSE FOR A THOUGHT!

How do you usually express your love towards parents, sibling, or friend?
How do you behave when you saw the person whom you find attractive?
How do you express your affection to your girlfriend/boyfriend?

Keep this in Mind!

As you build relationships with friends from the same and opposite sex, you begin to
discover another facet of friendship which is romance. Thought patterns, behaviors, and
interactions occur to change as you find a person you are attracted to. Left unchecked, these
thought patterns, behaviors, and interactions may distract you or bring discomfort to the
person you are attracted to. It is important that you reflect on yourself and the messages you
convey to others.
Acceptable and unacceptable expressions of attraction and love are subjective. In some
cases, what may be acceptable for one person may not be acceptable to others.
The biblical quote “…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if there is any excellence, if there
is anything worthy of praise, think about these things,” may help you differentiate what is
acceptable and unacceptable. The sender of these expressions may reflect and ask themselves
the following:
Sender
 Do my actions communicate truth?
 Do my actions honor the other person?
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  Are my actions right and pure?
 Will others find my actions commendable?

As for the receiver of these expressions, they can ask themselves these questions:

Receiver
 Do I feel comfortable with his/her actions?
 Do his/her actions show me I am worthy of respect?
 Does the other person respect my boundaries?
 Are my interpretations pure, right, and without bias?

You must be wary of touching behaviors. Any unwelcomed touch on sensitive or private
areas such as ears, neck, inner thighs, sides, buttocks, chest, and genitals should be
unacceptable.

One easy way to gauge if an action that is done is acceptable or not, is to determine if
you feel comfortable with it. When emotional and personal boundaries are violated, then the
behavior is unacceptable. You should inform the other person to stop the behavior. If the
behavior persists, you must inform a trusted adult in school, at home, or to the authorities.

How to Communicate
Talking openly makes relationships more fun and satisfying; especially when you both
talk about each other’s needs for physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You can’t
expect a partner to know what you want and need unless you tell them. The simple fact is that
none of us are a mind reader--so it's important to be open about your needs and expectations.
In a romantic relationship, it is important to communicate openly on issues of sex and
sexual health. The decision to enter into a sexual relationship is entirely up to you, and you
always have the right to say "no" at any time to anything that you don't feel comfortable with.
Remember, there are many ways to express love without sex. If you do decide to become
sexually active, there are things about which you do need to communicate.
Though talking about sex can feel a little scary, many people find that when they get up
the nerve to talk about sex, their partner really appreciates it. Most likely they've been trying
to work up the nerve, too! Many respect a partner even more once they've brought up the topic
of sex. It is ok to be nervous--that lets you know that what you are doing is both important to
you and also exciting.
Remember though: it is a good idea to talk about any sexual subject before you get all
hot and bothered, but this is especially important for topics which require logical thinking
skills, like safer sex expectations. Most of us don't act rationally in the heat of the moment.
Think about your boundaries ahead of time, and discuss them with a partner when you are
not currently in a sexual mood. If you are turned on, you are less likely to make the decision
to use a condom or another barrier if your partner has a different agenda. Having the
conversation before you are in a sexual situation makes it more likely you will be able to act
according to your own boundaries and preferences.

So what's to talk about?

 Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): This is actually an issue that all teenagers and
adults must be aware of. Anybody who engages in sexual activity is prone to have this
one.
 Possibility of Pregnancy: Females who engage in sex have a high percentage of putting
themselves in this kind of situation.
 Right time for sex: You can consider your current status as a student if it is really high
time to be involved in this kind of activity. Will this make or break your future?
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  Boundaries: Making the decision to set your limits in a relationship shows your maturity
to assert your priorities and respecting yourself.

MAKING THE DECISION: DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX

The decision of whether or not to have sex is up to you, and you alone. Therefore don’t
be afraid to say "no" if that’s how you feel.
Having sex for the first time can be a huge emotional event. There are many questions
and feelings that you may want to sort out before you actually get "in the heat of the moment."
Ask yourself:
 Am I really ready to have sex?
 How am I going to feel after I having sex?
 Am I doing this for the right reasons?
 How do I plan to protect myself/my partner from sexually transmitted infections or
pregnancy?
 How am I going to feel about my partner afterwards?

The best way to prepare for the decision to have sex is to become comfortable with
communicating about your needs. If you don’t feel right about something, say so! Anyone who
challenges your choices about whether or not to have sex is not giving you the respect that you
deserve. Pay attention to your feelings, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for making
decisions that are right for you.
There are countless nonsexual ways to show someone you love them. You can show a
person you care for them by spending time with them. Go to the movies. Or just hang out and
talk. If you are with someone you really like, then anything can be fun.
There are also ways to feel physically close without having sex. These include everything
from kissing and hugging to touching each other. Just remember that if you're not careful
these activities can lead to sex. Plan beforehand just how far you want to go, and stick to your
limits. It can be difficult to say "No" and mean it when things get hot and heavy.

Apply what you have learned!

Answer the following questions on your journal:

1. Bernard and Sally are in a relationship. Bernard is a touchy person, but Sally feels
uncomfortable about it. What should she do?
2. Jamie and King are beginning to like one another. King expressed to Jamie that he wants
to turn their friendship into romance. However, Jamie’s parents want her to focus on her
studies first before getting into a relationship. What must Jamie do?
3. May kept “liking” and commenting on Carlo’s posts. She also shares some of her snacks
with him during school and them together every so often. Upon learning that May has a
boyfriend, Carlo felt confused, jealous, and betrayed. Why do you think this happened?

Assess What You Have Learned

Answer the following questions in a brief but concise manner.

1. What are the factors that make a behavior or expression of attraction acceptable?
___________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
2. What makes a behavior or expression of attraction unacceptable?
___________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
3. How should you address the behavior when they do not want to return the favor?
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___________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Self-check!
Answer the following questions for your reflection.
Reflect

Today I have learned that ________________________________________________________.

I find __________________________ the most interesting because ______________________.

References:

Department of Education 2016. Personal Development Teacher’s Guide First Edition

Quipper Limited. 2018. Quipper Study Guide.