There seems to be an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year.
While some think the best way is to use the death penalty as a deterrent, many people
believe that other measures will be needed.
Discuss both sides.
Some argue that capital punishment is key to preventing a growing number of serious
crimes, while others deem other actions to be more beneficial. To my mind, killing
people as a punishment will not change the nature of misbehavior. However,
exposing criminals to the terrors of crimes that they have committed may be more
helpful. [However, subjecting criminals to the consequences of the crimes they have
committed may be more effective.]
On the one hand, a great deal of citizens believe that death penalty will bring justice
to their communities since there will be less intruders alive. [Many citizens believe
that the death penalty will bring justice to their communities by eliminating criminals
who might otherwise continue to harm society.] They reason that there will ultimately
be no criminals left and the streets will become safe to meander. Still, in my opinion,
this will only cause other criminals’ furiousness and the desire to take vengeance
resulting in engendering even more felons. [However, in my opinion, this would only
incite further anger and a desire for revenge, potentially leading to more criminal
activity.] For instance, the one reason why some drug rings exist is to retaliate to their
adversaries for murdering their associates. [For instance, one reason some drug
cartels exist is to seek revenge on rivals for killing their members.] I do not support
this opinion because responding with violence towards violence only multiplies it. [I
do not support this view, as responding to violence with more violence only
perpetuates the cycle.]
On the other hand, some people believe that other measures will add to communes’
welfare. That is to say that, for example, changing the way criminals think can bring
more advantages than merely killing them. To illustrate this, highly-developed
countries like Finland and Germany bring felons to community service often related
to their field of crime. [To illustrate this, highly developed countries like Finland and
Germany require offenders to perform community service, often linked to the type of
crime they committed.] In this way, they will personally observe the abhorrence of
their actions and therefore there is a high likelihood of nurturing conscious and law-
abiding residents that could even influence their not-so-conscientious acquaintances
to turn over a new leaf. I agree with this idea as it might uplift the amount good
deeds.
To conclude, while some people claim that punishing by killing will create a juster
world, I stay with the fact that changing human psychology by undertaking other
actions will be more resultative in the long run. [In conclusion, while some argue that
capital punishment will create a more just world, I maintain that altering human
behavior through alternative measures will yield more lasting results in the long
run.]
6.5/9
Suggestions for Improvement:
Work on more precise and academic vocabulary to improve clarity and
appropriateness.
Avoid overuse of informal expressions like "To my mind" and "Still."
Ensure each paragraph develops its ideas fully and clearly. Consider linking
sentences with cohesive devices more smoothly.
Provide more detailed examples and explore each side of the argument more
thoroughly.
Summary of Key Steps:
1. Understand why each correction was made.
2. Rephrase sentences to be more formal and clearer.
3. Use academic vocabulary and precise language.
4. Improve cohesion by linking ideas better.
5. Vary sentence structure to improve readability and depth.
6. Practice writing in this style consistently.
