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16 NOV 2024

International than five percent on last year’s 50,000 of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-
moose counted. The head of Singa- ment the first delivery of moose into
Moose Count pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- low moon orbit could be achieved as
Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- early as the third quarter of next year.
Underway lous Singaporean parliament yester- The technology to nurture moose in
day that bad weather had contributed space is available now’’, he said, ’’all
By BOB O’BOBSTON
to this season’s poor showing, most that is needed is political will’’.
notably when a cargo of 150 moose
were swept out into the Indian ocean
The UN-sponsored International in a monsoon. Granny wins
Moose Census got off to a flying Yet again the global demand for
start today with hopes for an increase moose will be met largely by the World Wrestling
US and Canada. The recession-hit
in the worldwide moose population
compared to last year’s disapointing States is taking comfort in its moose
Championship
figures. Among the traditional early growth figures with gross production By ROY MCROYSTON
reporters were Egypt, returning fig- expected to break 700,000 and net ex-
ures of six moose, a twenty percent ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide
increase on 2011’s figures of five, and dominance of Canada shows no signs
Uruguay whose moose population re- of abating though with this year’s Records were smashed in
mains stable at eleven. moose population expected to match Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-
According to Robbie McRobson, last year’s record figures of one hun- pionship last night as 78-year-old
head of the UN Moose Preserva- dred million billion. Maud Johnson, grandmother of five,
tion Council, worldwide moose num- Europe’s rise as an international became the first woman for fifty-six
bers are expected to grow markedly moose power will slow slightly this years, and the oldest competitor ever,
on last year due to the traditional year as a response to the European to claim the gold medal. She walked
moose strongholds of Canada and the Union’s move towards standardising away with her million dollar share of
United States, with the larger de- the European moose. Stringent qual- the prize money, runner up Tommy
veloping moose ecologies also poised ity controls are holding back the de- Thompson from Nigeria taking half a
to make gains. The largest percent- velopment of the eastern european million, and third place New Zealan-
agege increase in moose will likely populations compared to last year der John Smith receiving a warm
come from China’’, says McRobson, when they contributed significantly handshake from the umpire.
The Chinese government has invested to europe’s strong growth figures. Having started the tournament a
heavily in moose infrastructure over Norway, which is not an EU member rank outsider she began to impress
the past decade, and their committ- but has observer status, strengthed in her second match when she took
ment to macrofauna is beginning to in numbers relative to the Euro area US number three Ron Ronson by sur-
pay dividends’’. Since 2004 China has with numbers of Norweigian moose, prise and subdued him in twenty sec-
expanded moose pasture from 1.5% known locally as elk’’ expected to rise onds with her unique move that has
of arable land to nearly 3.648% and for the tenth consecutive year, partic- been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip".
moose numbers are expected to rise ularly thanks to a strong showing in The injection of a new wrestling style
to 60,000 making China a net moose the last quarter. into the tournament was welcomed
exporter for the first time. This is As moose season reaches its close, by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and
good news for neighbouring Mongo- researchers world wide are turning to post-match breakdances have proved
lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose science in an attempt to boost next entertaining to fans. However, she
inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- year’s figures. NASA stunned the was still not expected to win in
tiable desire for the creatures. The in- scientific community today with the round three last Wednesday, facing
crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is announcment of their discovery that off against title-holder Paulo "Spine-
anticipated to relieve pressure on the the moon is significantly smaller than Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un-
relatively strained Russian suppliers, previously believed. This conclusion, derdog Johnson was soon showing her
but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of which is the conclusion of a ten- worth with stamina and agility easily
trade with its larger neighbour. year collaborative project, will have matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s
Historically the only competitor profound implications for the moose experience paid off initially as he took
to China in the far eastern moose community as the gravitational field the first two rounds, but as John-
markets has been Singapore but the is now known to be of the right son became more confident her su-
tiny island nation is set to report a strength to support moose in orbit. perior strength came to the fore and
net loss, expecting a decrease of more According to John Johnson, head she clawed back two rounds to take
 ccccc 16 NOV 2024 2

the contest into a decider. By this figure belies her agility and strength arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
time Lutti’s body language indicated which she demonstrated by holding added "I always knew she could do
that he already felt overawed by the Thompson above her head several it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
pretender to his crown, and the new- times during the bout and throwing ster is also her manager and has re-
comer took advantage of this to en- him into the crowd once. With the portedly arranged sponsorship deals
gage a mutual headlock which she scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the which will dwarf her one million dol-
held for three hours until the Vat- contest went to a panel of judges to be lar prize fund. Her new contract with
ican man retired from exhaustion. assessed. They awarded Thompson a headband designer Nike alone is set
The next seven matches were barely C grade whilst Johnson received an to earn her fourteen billion dollars
a contest as the news of Johnson’s A, becoming the first grandmother to over the next year. She will also be
supremacy overawed all her oppo- ever win the title. promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
nents who became too indimidated to The new champion explained her the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
fight properly. success as the result of a strict train- Bingo. Her continued participation in
Nigerian Tommy Thompson is ing regimen instituted by her coach the sport is not assured as she wants
also a relative newcomer to the and grandson five-year-old Sammy to spend more time on her bungee-
wrestling scene, but with his 210lb Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
frame he was expected to fare well raw eggs for breakfast every morning, eryone here at the World Champi-
against Johnson who weighs in at sprinting fifty miles a day and carry- onships, however, hopes for her re-
only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe ing my daughter’s car to the end of turn.
and slender, some would say scrawny, the road and back whenever I felt my