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OVER
e 75 MILLION
e 00K S SOLD C
 THE DIAPV OF A WIMPY KID SERIES
13 The Meltdown
Diary ofa Wimpy Kid 7 The
Third Wheel
2 3 4 5 6 The Last Straw The Ugly Truth 8 Hard Luck
Rodrick Pules Dog Days Cabin Fever 9 The Long
Haul 10 Old 12 The GetawayDeep End 16 Överlöde 18 No
School II 14 Wrecking Big Shot Brainer
Double Down Ball 15 The 17 Diper

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DIARY
 Kid
No
by Jeff Kihhey

AMULET BOOKS
New York
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ISBN 978-1-4197-6694-7
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TO MATT
 APRIL
Mohdd
The humah braih is supposed +0 be *kis
amazih9 supercompuåer capable of all sorås of
ihcredible if true,*heh
doh'å khow wk såupid
+kihss.
my braih is always
makih9 me do

Yowc&,
*SSs

acåually a liååle ahhoyihg, voBBLE

because if you abouå your
braih's Ohe Job is +0 be
smarå.

B-zzzz
Btøzz

POKE

guess
if's my
OWh for my braih wiåh
arehtf imporådhå, like Video

same cheaå codes dhd åkeme sohgs +0 old TV

shows. Because how *sere'S ho room left for Såuff
acåUdII maå±ers.

The problem wiåk d braihis åkere's Ohli limi+ed

amouh+ of room ih *here, So evehåually you ruh

ouå of s+orase. Ahd reasoh if's hard for old
people +0 learh hew ±hihss is because *heir brains
are Juså full.

ITS CALLED "SOCIAL MEDIA"!

AND IF YOU WANT TO "LIKE"
SOMETÅING you JUST PRESS
TNIS LITTLE NEART!

FAA!

One of
*bese
days
*keire
sohhd
figure ouå
a Wd +0
add more
memo ry .

Ahd
wheh *key do, I m gohhd buy myself biceså
boosåer pack cah afford.

BRAIN

Sh meahåime, I'm ±ryihs +0 be real choosy

abouå wka± ih my braih. So wheh someohes
åellihs me someåkihs doh'å heed +0 khow, Juså
-fry ahd block ouå.

SO THEN MRS. O'MALLEY SAYS SHE

WASN'T THE ONE WHO CALLED ME A
LIAR. SO 1 ASKED HER WI-IY SAE WAS
TALKING TO MRS. FERGUSON BEHIND MY
BACK!

LA LA LA 1 CAN'T
WEAR YOU!
t.4UNCH
MUNCH 7

3
When you're a kid, +hihS you use your braih for
moså is school. Ahd a 10+ of our braih power
goes +0 memorizih$ useless s+uf , like
hames of Vice presidehås dhd words +0
preschool soh9S.

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND

you KNOW IT
AND YOU REALLY WANT
 TO SNOW IT

Ohe åkih9 really ihcohVehiehå is your braih is

ihSideyour head, so you have +0 fake
everywhere you so. Buå if *Key ever figure ouå
d way +0 deal wiåk issue, *heh school is sohhd

be whole differehå +kih$.

+hihk would be greaå your braih could be

if
school learhih9 while you're doihS +kih9S you
ac+ually ehJoy, like playihS laser wiåk your friehds
or ouå the arcade. you could pick up your braih
ehd of -the day dhd gef all

SO WHAT DID YOU

PICK LANE
LEARN AT
SCHOOL TODAY?

NOTUIN'!

For how
suess we're
Såuck wiåk
currehå
siåuaåioh
where
your body
 dhd your braih heed +0 be ih same place. Ahd
you're a kid, means you Ve spehd a big ckuhk Of
your -time school.

My problem wiåk is how IohS school 5

You're *here for seveh hours, buå you

probabl Ohli spehd +wehåy mihu+es a Oh
learhih9. Ahd because moså of your +ime is
spehå Oh Såuff doeshjå have dhYåkihS +0 do
wiåk educaåioh.

ih period we spehå zero åime learhihs abou+

Hisåory because a bee loose ih classroom. Ahd
preååy much killed chahce of producåive
happehihs. ezzz
READ CHAPTERS
11+12

600

wish everyohe would Såop foolih$ arouhd dhd

Juså se-t d0Wh +0 busihess ohce school såarås

Because
way we
could
learnihS
over wiåk
dhd be ou+
of *here
before
luhckåime.
+kihk *key
like +0
såreåck
*bihSS ouå
dhd keep
you *here
for as Ioh9
as possible.

The whole reasoh school was ihvehåed ih firs*

place is because back ih oldeh åimes, kids were
causih9 +00 mahi problems home while *heir
pareh±s were work.

TWANG

—o
So *key creaåed *his whole sys+em wiåk
•fexåbooks dhd lockers dhd Algebra dhJ P kys
Juså +0 keep kids ouå of +rouble for a few
hours every

You're
ih
school
from
åime
youve
four
you're
leaså
 eigk+eeh. Ahd affer youjre done wi+h your
educaåioh, you have +0 gef a Job dhd work uhåil
you reach old age. So by -time youve wiåk all

really wahåed *key could probably

*each you everyåkihg you acåually heed +0
khow by åime you're five or six. Buå guess
par-ehås doh'å Wdhå +0 have +0 compeåe wiåk
*heir kids for good—payih9 Jobs.

CONGRQTS,GRQDS!

so you d
+ime
Ii+åle
so you
doh'å gef
+00 smarå
+00 quick.
Ahd
someåimes
*key *each
you you
Cdht+ even
USE.
 beeh happehih9 my school lately.
+00k mohåks of Laåih d *eacher hamed Mr.
favoriåe class.
Leyåoh, dhd my ouå he khow Laåih
dhd
was teachih9 us hohSehSe whole +ime.

ESKA TUSO
NOMURSKO?
IMSO
GREGORIO!

When school ouå Mr. Le Oh was d *key fired Kim.

so how all 'Ve +0 Skow for IdSå *Bree mohåks of
my life is khowih9 how +0 order a hamburger ih a
Idhsuase doesh+ eveh exisåe_

Mr.
Leyåoh iShtå Ohli one us we really use. M Social
Såudies *eacher is Mrs. Lackey, dhd *his is her
las+ year. So Ohl couh±ries she -beaches us abouå
are ohes s es ?Idhhih9 Oh Visiåih9 her husbdhd
after She refires.

B AMAS

Ahd for our laså homework assighmehå, ske us

research which cruise ships have bes+ meal FldhS.
FREE DESSERT
SALAD MENU

PREMIERE BAR BAR x X

CRUISE
LINE
QUEEN
FREE
CRUISES
ISLAND
HOPPER
x
DRINKS X 10
GLUTEN

Some of
our
*eachers
doh4 even
boåher
-Frying+0
*each us
all. Ms.
Priåckard
is supposed

+0 be
+eackih9 us
Geome+ry,
buf she
usesher hew smarå board for såuff like kelpih9
her pick ouå which breed of +0 geå.

A few of åeackers are doihs *heir beså, buå us

kids doh4 always make easy for *hem. Mr. Rask
fried åeackihs Sciehce regularway for year, buå
hobody seemed ihåeres+ed.

øzzz

11

So he
swiåched +0 -teaching dbouå gross såuff. Ahd
even makes Sciehce a more ih+eresåih9, dohjå
if
åkihk dhY of ihformaåioh we're learhihS how is
sohhd kelp us seå ihåo sood college la±er Oh.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND
FARTS

wish didhjå khow half såuff I've learhed ih Mr.

Rask's class. because ever sihce we waåcked Video
dbouå microscopic parasi+es livih$ Oh our Skih, Cdht-f
Såop iåckih9.

ITCH
ITCH

12

doh'•+ even
dh
Algebra
more. Mrs.
KWdh
wehå Oh
maåerhi+y
leave back
ih
Ocåober,
dhd *key
heVer
fouhd a
Iohg-åerm sub +0 fill ih for her.

So durihs period *key Juså såick us ih compuåer

labahd have us so Oh maåk—game websi+e,
which is spohSored by Cdhdy compat•y.

GOBSMASHERS
Math!
How many more
Fruity Medle GobsmashersN
can fit in Billy's mouth

before he busts?

34
B.37 D. 54

O O

13

Now
everyoheih my grade needs Cdhdy +0 do maåk,
dhd when we +00k s+dhdardized +eså las+
mohåk, a buhck of kids packs of Jelly beclhS dhd
bubble sum +0 kelp *hem couh+. SHAKE
sHAKE
.44

probably wouldQe dohe a 10+ beååer Oh åeså if

wash'* siååihs bekihd who wehå ah ehåire Jar
of Gobsmashers.

CRUNCH.

WdSh4 maåk sec+ioh was

The
readih9
secåioh
buhch of
essays,
dhd
sciehce
sec+ioh
ques+iohs
abouå
såuff we
heVer
covered ih
class.

Ahd
*here
wash'* sih91e quesåioh abouå farås or burps.

So our school's -Yes* resulås came back, wash'* a

surprise our scores were loweså ih såa+e. Sh
facå, our Scores were so we rede hews.

TEST SCORES PLUMMET

MIDDLE SCHOOL'S PERFORMANCE NOSE-DIVES

A 10+ of par-ehås were pre++y upseå, ihcludih9

mire. Ahd suess superihåehdehå was under

pressure +0 make big ckdhses, because he fired
our prihcipal, Mrs. MdhCY, dhd asked old trihcipal
come ou+ of reåiremehåe

15

s •m
surprised [Link]-Homs agreed +0 come b k because
way my older broåker Rodrick described if, wheh
Mr. go+åoms refired few ears he wehå ouå wi±k a
bdhs.

woo

I'm rooåihs for him +0 *urn åkihSS around.

Because based Oh m educaåioh so far, Ohly Jo I'm
sohhd be ied for is cruddy middle—school Ldåih
åeacker.
LATANIA
AMBURAGRO!

16

Prihcipal
Bo+åoms
has Ohly
beeh ih
charse for
a few days,
buf he's
already
made some
big
ckdhges.
Ahd dhi class doesh'-f +eack S±uff Oh
sådhdardized +eså has beeh cuå.

which kihd of såihks, because we Juså såaråed

BrowrGe Bakih9 uhiå ih our Home Ec class.

SNIFFFF!// ///

have so+åeh more serious ih

classes wereh'å , like Sciehce. Mr. Rask iShjå
+eackih9 abouå body smells like dhymore, doesht•+
medh S+uff were learhih9 iSh'å gross. Because
*His week he dhhouhced we were Såaråih$
Pissec+ioh Uhiå Oh

åapeworms

17
Luckily, *here weren'å ehoush +apeworms +0 so
arouhd, so me dhd my par+her, ler Gea +0
work wiåh sorne hoodles from cafe+eria ihs±ead.
Syler ådkes *his sciehce s±uff pre++y seriously,
dhd you'd hever ±kihk be was Oh lef±over

SCALPEL!
 guess maybe ler Will grow up +0 be surgeoh ohe
day. Buå hope doh'å ehd up Oh his operaåih9

*able, because S 'II khow exacåly where he his

educaåioh.

GREG? GREG
HEFLEY?

18
Everybody åhihks learhihS science is grea+, buf
*key never abouå flip side of +kih9S. S ve seeh
a buhck of moVies where sciehåiså loses *heir mihd
dhd fries +0 fake over world.
ou hever see dh movies where Villaih is a mad
zookeeper or d mad gardeher.

So wheh comes +0 sciehce, åhihk less you khow,

-the be±+er. Because doh'å heed +0 be -the
guy who messes arouhd ahd accideh±ally opens up
a poråal +0 demoh realm.

19

Tyler
Geary
says
if we
ever
se+
+0
 opera+e Oh real +apeworms, he's sohhd fry +0
brih9 ohe back +0 life by kookih9 up +0 elecårodes.
Ahd is exacåly +ype of åkih9 Ijm worried abouå.

ou ask me, you Shouldhtf so screwihs

arouhd ihs +0 brihs dead back +0 life. Oh +0? o
Juså beihs wrohs, could also be preååy
awkward.

feel hever sehå my Greaå Auhå Reba a *kahk-you

card for mohey she save me few years ago. So
doh4 khow wkaå say +0 her if she was back ih
picåure all of sudden.

20

I'm gone,
hope my
family
doesh4 dhd
brih9 ME
back +0
life. Because
if corvih9
back rear-vs

havihS +0
babysiå my
grahdkids,
ra±ker
 everyohe Juså lef me reså ih peace.

WE'LL BE BACK
AFTER THE MOVIE!

II

Buå probably skouldh4 worry abouå Someone ih class

makih$ a big sciehåific breakåhroush, because you
heed proper equipmehå for sorå of Ahd my school
Cdh4 even afford +0 SIVe everyohe of pro+ecålVe
eyewear, so people have
been brihSihS *keir- OWh gear from home. 21

science
iShjå Ohli
place ih
our school
doeshtå
have
proper
equipmeh+,
*bough.

Half lap-fops
ih computer
ceh±er have
rtGSSihS Oh
*heir
keyboards.
Ahd las+
week
bad grade Oh a Hisåory paper wkeh +0 use a
compuåer WAS missihs all Vowels.

Grg Hffly
Wrld Hstry

ncnt Pyrmds
Thsnds f yrs g, cnstrctn fmgnfcnt
strctrs ws strtd n ncnt gypt. Th mtrls
sd wr snd nd stn.

area of åke school where we're shoråes+ Oh

maåeridls is library, because a 10+ of shelves are
emp+y. WdSh4 always like

Back ihSepåember we hew libraridh named MS.

Masie, who crea+ed a graphic hovel secåioh dhd
filed wi±k books She for Ker OWh mohey

22

The mos+
popular
books were
from *his
series called
Commdhdo
Crocodile,
dhd ho
ma+åer how
mah copies
she bough*
, Ms. Masie

couldh'å
keep *kem
Oh shelves.
ou Wdh±ed
y
+0 check
ouå a
copy, you +0 your hame Oh a
d mile Ioh9.

cora
CROC ILE
SWING

23

Bvå
guess
some
pareh+ d problem wiåk way Comrndhdo Crocodile
WAS dr-dWh, so filled a complaihå form.

Library Book Challenge Form

Name of Book: Commando Crocodile

: Tunnel Vision

Author: Ma++y Shub

Reason for challenge:

crocodile is no+
weariry pan+s

Apparehåly, rule is if ohe parehå complaihS

abouå a book, has +0 be removed from library.
buå Ms. Masie came up a compromise +0 keep
series Oh shelves.

She used a marker +0 draw pahås Oh Commahdo

Crocodile, ahd seemed +0 saåisfy parehå who
made abovå

29

Crikeg! Thig bloke Just won't

quit!
t got a bone to Pick

with ga, mate!

CRO/V&
It's gettin' a
little chockerg
in here!

Buå
*heh hew problem cropped up. Some kids *heir
owh urtcehsored copies of Commahdo Crocodile
Home, dhd *key *hem +0 school. Ahd wkeh p
rhci?dl Bo-Homs fouhd ouå dbouå ke cohfisca+ed
*heir copies.

25

So
*hen school såar+ed checking our bags for
Commdhdo Crocodile books besihhih9 of

Buå kids are smarå, ahd some of *hem figured

ouå ways +0 Sheak books ih+o school ahYWdY.

26

+urhS ou+
complaih+s
are
coh+asious,
because
sorne
par-ehås
suddehly
ho+iced
*here were
a buhCk of
books ih
 library dhiras wi±kouå ANY clothes, so *heh MS.
Masie +0 spehd her *ire dealih9 with issue.

Evehåuall Ms. Masie save up ahd puå all books

were challehsed ih back room. Ahd if you
Wdhåed +0 read *hem you +0 seå d permissioh
slip from a parehå.

27

Affer while, *here were more books ih bdhhed

secåioh+hdh rmih libra so school +0 wriåe +0 all
pareh+s dh ask *hem +0 dohdåe books from home.

Juså save everyone dh excuse +0

uhload all books *key didh'å wah+.
 28
SOUTH
raeoaeos
PHON
E KULICK
REFRIGERATOR

BOOK MODEL XX9-42.3

TEACH
OPERATING
MANUAL

you ask me,

åhihk whole
book-bdhhih$ *bih9 backfired. A 10+ of people
dohd+ed romdhce hovels, dhd ih *Hem is more
ihappropriaåe ±kdh dhY±kih9 ih Comrndhdo
Crocodile.

f(/'fzdJ, (Debite

ANNIKA ERICKSON

My mom says *hose +ypes of books areh'å

real li+era+ure, buå figure as Ioh9 as d persoh
is readih9, a good

29

Wednesda
Prihcipal Homs is +ryihS +0 ehcourage kids +0
gef be+åer grades, so laså week he crea+ed
*his hew program called Flyers Club, which is
kihd of like ohe of *hose airlihe rewards
programs. basic idea is beååer you do ih school,-
more rewards you earn.

kids ih Flyers Club seå all sorås of perks,

like preferred sea+ihS ih classrooms wiåh legroom.

WRIGGLE
qBlGGLE

30

Buå
kihd of
såihks
for reså
of us,
because
how
*heres
less
space
for
everyohe else.

lh Geome±ry, *here wash'å 10+ of room +0 besih

so +0 make extra space for fixers, *Key +0 fake
ouå a whole row of seaås.

meahS kids like me who used +0 siå ih back

row have +0 siå Oh heaåer. Ahd åkihg is

So if you såay såill +00 Ioh9, your buåå could

burs* ihåo flames. So Have +0 skiff from ohe

cheek +0 o+ker +0 SIVe each a break.

HOT POT

31
 exåra legroom iSh'-+ only +hih9 we're Jealous
abouå. -The Flyers se+ Shacks dhd drihks class,
whick *keire allowed +0 share with res+ of us. _

4
\tJkeh *keire ih class, Flyers seå +0 use

åeackers' louhse. Ahd 1 Qe heard åeackers

arehjå +00 *Brilled wiåh of deal.

32

I'm +00
boåhered
*hose kids
can use
*eachers'
louhge, am
Jealous
*key gef
+0 use
baihroom
ih *here.

SQe heard
i+js
ohe—seaåer,

dhd really heed my privacy

wkeh 90.

1 WOULDN'T GO
 IN THERE FOR A
LITTLE WHILE.

WAVE
WAVE

Flyers eVeh have *heir owh separa+e

ehårdhce wheh *key gef +0 school, So *Key
breeze securiåy ih mornih$.

X-RAY

33

Oh
+0?
of
High
Flyers se+ lef ou+ of school before everyohe
else. Ahd eveh *bough if's Ohli $IVe mihu+es
early, Såill pleh+y of +ime +0 gef head Oh +ke
bullies.

Everyohe wahås +0 be of Flyers Club, buf if'S

easy +0 seå ih. You heed +0 have A's ih all your

classes, dhd *here are Ohly a hdhdful of kids

smar+ ehousk +0 ac+ually pull

So some kids have beeh cheaåihS +0 dhd se-t

be+åer grades. Ahd beeh comih9 up wiåk some

ihsehious ways +0 do

39

Sh
Geomeåry,
Adam
wroåe a
buhCh 06
equa+iohs
Oh back
of såicker
Oh his
wafer
bo+åle so
he could
look *hem durihS åeså. Ahd he mish* ve go+±eh

away with if e wash +

Sh Sciehce, a hamed pamoh Fell acåually made a

fake arm, whick he Oh +0? of his desk durihs
åeså. fi,eh he looked up answers Oh ?kohe
UNDERNEATPI desk.
Ohli reasoh he bus-fed was because he d
ho+ifiCd+ioh ih middle of +eså.

DING?

35

Some
kids
have
been
+eamih9 up +0 A few girls ih my His+ory class
wroåe hames of moså imporådh+ baffles of -the
Civil War Oh -fhe backs of *heir hecks, *Heh
moved *heir hair ouå of way ohce åeså såaråed.

Ahd Ehslisk, d buhck of kids creaåed crazy

sysåem of commuhicaåihg ahSwers +0 each oåker by
usihg Morse code wiåh *heir pehS, buå hobody lef
me ih Oh whaå *key were up +0.
COCKITY CLICK
CLICK

SCRIBBLE
cocw
cocS

36

cheaåih9's become such a big

problem
school dh
assembly +0
deal wi+k i+.

They brough+
ih +kisguy
hamed Clarehce
Cluster, who
he såaråed
ckeaåih9 wheh
 be was ih middle school, which ruihed his whole life.

Ahd åkihk his såory acåually shook few kids up.

Clarence Clus+er
CHEATE

s •m sure *his guy'S hame wash'* eveh

Clarehce Clusåer, dhd he was Juså dh acåor
school ih +0 scare vs.

37

because he looked exacåly like Ohe

of
characåers ih
dihher
+kea+er show
my family
wehå +0 over
summer.

BE
OUR
 GUEST!
BE OUR GUEST!

school really Wdh+ed +0 seå

+0 us dbouå how diskohesåy Cdh ruih your life,
*key should Qe brouskå ih school's Very firs*
prihcipal, Larry Mack. guess +key couldh'å do
sihce kes såill ih priS0h.

hame Larry Mack souhds familiar, if's

ecause his family OWhS a chaih of car

dealerships ouå Oh Rouåe Ohe

38

Ahd he's
Oh
s+ill

buhCh of
old
billboards
nobody
ever
boåhered
+0 *ake
dOWh.
 " Tell 'em

LARRY
sent ga!

buå Larry Mack såarå off ih •the car busihess.

He was prihcipal of middle school for years, dhd
affer he famous for his car dealerships *key
hamed school after him.

LARRY MACK MIDDLE SCHOOL

39

He
was
so
popular even made sådåue of him, which *key ih
e Croh+ couråyard.

affer Larry Mack opehed his car dealership, some

reporåers såaråed pokih9 arouhd, åryihs +0 learh
how he mohey +0 såarå his business. liååle deåecålVe
work, *key figured ovå he'd beeh såealihS from
middle school for years. Ahd if was a huge SCdhddl
åime.

The Daily Herald

END OF THE
60
Su

ROAD FOR
EX-PRINCIPAL S8
LARRY

MACK

From
heard,
police
arres+ed
him his
dealership,
risk* ih
middle of
sale.

"Tell
'em
 LARRY sent ga!"

Affer school +00k dowh såaåue, or leas* Larry

Mack of if. Ohli evidehce he was ever *here is his
shoes, which

*key couldh'å se-t off pedes+dl.

never did change hame of school, *bough. Ahd
+hihk because some people like beih9 Iihked +0
someohe famous, eVeh if persoh's famous for
+errible ±kih9.

You'd åkihk people ih my +0Wh would be

embarrassed +0 have *heir riddle school hamed d
crook, hobody arouhd here seems +00 boåkered by
i+.- Even school masco+, Loo+er, was ihS?ired by
Larry Mack.

GO LOOTERS!

GO
Larry Mack landed ih
prisoh didh4
Så0? him from makih9 mohey,

He wroåe dh which
appareh±ly sold a of
copies. khow my school
bought leas*of *hem,
because *key two whole
shelves ih Larry Mack
secåioh of library.
 DRIVE
How to Succeed in

Life a usiness

MACK

A
kid
hamed
Alber+ Sdhdy who Siås my lunch *able said Larry
Mack Ohly used I-IALF mohey he såole +0 såarå
his car dealership, dhd he buried -the oåker uhder
school.

everyor•te all såirred up, ahd people

såaråed brihSih9 ih 4001s from home +0 fry
dhd fihd Larry Mack's secreå +reasure.

CLONKCLINK •

CLINK

week, *his kid named

idea mohey could
be hiddeh ih

WALLS. So he
broke a hole
back of
Uhforåuhaåely for me, pahhis locker is Oh
oåker side of MINE, how *here's hoåhihs
beåweeh *hem.

inu
6

To
make
åhih9S
worse,
kids
figured
ou+
hole
be+weeh our lockers was shor+cuå from A WihS +0
B WihS of +ke school. So how whehever
oper•, my locker be±weeh classes, *here's always
a of kids waiåihS +0 gef

6
6

pahhY ahd make liååle mohey off

decided +0 -fry
ahd he såaråed char-sihg people +0 -fake
siåuaåioh,
shoråcuå åkrousk his locker. So save some oåker
kids idea +0 creaåe shoråcuås

eve locker
cohhecås
+0 Ohe Oh
oåker Side. Ahd
Chris+idh McKay
fouhd ouå hard
way his locker
shares wall wiåk
the prihcipal's
privaåe bd±kroom.
_

Affer åka+,
prihcipal Boååoms
 his foo* dowh, so how were allowed +0 brihs ahi
kihd of digsihg fools +0 school, which meahS

åakes TWICE as Iohs +0 seå securi+y ih

+urhS
ou+

Principal Bo++oms WAS Ohli ge+åih9 s+aråed with

hew rules, because how *here are BUNCH of
*hem.

The laåeså rule is if you're ih hallway while class is ih

sessioh, you heed +0 have d hall pass. Ahd can

kihd of see why prihcipal BoHoms made
chdhse, because some±imes seems like *here
are more kids ih hallways *bah *here are ih
classrooms.

Buå as SOOh as Prihcipal Bo+åoms came up wiåh

rule, kids Juså såaråed makihs *heir OWN
hall passes, dhd hall mohiåors couldh'å åell which
ohes were fake dhd which were real.

II

PASS

so Principal
Bo+åoms
made hew
rule every
*eacher +0
have *Heir
OWh uhique
hallpass
wouldht+ be
easy for us
kids +0
fake. Now
Madame
Left-ere's
hallpass is
a big
 Frehck-€hslisb, dic±iohdry, dhd Mr. Ball's hall
pass is his used

Mr. Rask's hall pass is a Humah skeleåoh, which you

a+åach +0 your wriså wiåh rubber bdhds.

SCIENCE
LAB

S
ve
decided if's eveh woråh asking Mr. Rask if you

cah use baåkroom durih9 his class, ecause whole

experiehce is JUSåWd +00 embarrassihs.

Speakihg of baåkroom, *here's d hew rule

abouå how Ioh9 you're allowed +0 acåually be

ih ere.

Appareh+ly, *eachers were complaihih9 kids were

hdh9ih9 ih baåkrooms +00 so hew deal is you're
supposed +0 be ih dhd ouå of *here wiåkih
mihuåe. eVeh whole assembly Oh how +0 gef
everyåkihS done ih sixåy secohds

50
BUSINESS
1 • 2• WASH
YOUR
3 HANDS
DO YOUR LEAVE

one +0 make d
rule, if's
ahoåher +0
ehforce if.
fihe school d
Bahdful of kids
+0 be ba±hroom mohi±ors, dhd gave *hem whis±les
Ahd såopwaåckes Ahd everyåkihs.

buå all baåkroom mohiåors ehded up qui+åihs,

because åur-hS ouå people doh'å like beihs rushed
wheh *keire åryih$ +0 use faciliåies.

51
Ohce mohiåors were gore, kids huh9 ou+ ih
ba+krooms Iohser ever. Chris Kodiak, whose is

a barber, eVeh såaråed up his OWh liå±le

busihess ih A-wih9 boys' room.
 school ehded up removihg mirrors from ALL
bdåkrooms +0 seå us +0 hurry åhihss aloh$. Ahd
how have +0 rely Oh my beså friehd Rowley +0 fell
me if I Qe someåkih$ ih my hose.

BOOGER
CUECK!

52

doh4 khow
whaå iå's like
ih girls'
ba+hroom, ih
guys'
baåkroom if'S

Juså zoo.
Ahd guess
+ke reasoh is

because if's

+ke Ohly place

ih school
uhsuper-vised
by adults.
 3+-00SH

00

Every ohce ih while, *bough, ohe of male

åeackers will pop *heir head ih dhd fell everyohe
+0 quif horsih$ arouhd.

NEY! KNOCK IT
OFF IN AERE!

53

ih B
Wih9,
are
women, so boys khow cah so hu+s ih bdåkroom
wiåkouå dhYbody comihS ih +0 *ell *hem +0 ouå.
Ahd geås so crazy woh'å eveh 90 ih *here uhless
if's ursehå.

heard receh±ly åkihss so ouå of hahd ih B-wih9

baåhroom Mrs. Lackey +0 so inside +0 a s*op +0
she +0 wear a blihdfold so she didh'å Viola±e
dh)'0he's pr&acy, which meahå hobody ac±ually ih
ahi *rouble.

åkihSS were worse *bah ever

59

Oh
wedhesday,
Jusåih
Murdock
called down
+0
prihci?dl's
office for
wriåih9 Oh
baåkroom
wallwith
marker.
Ahd Oh Jorge Cdhåos ih *rouble for hdh9ihS
from ohe of the Sådlls dhd behdihS frame.

CREAK

3,

Jusåih ahd Jorge sof deåehåioh, ahd all

guys became par-dhoid because *key

55
Buå eveh+ually *Key figured ouå how *Key
were se-Hih9 busåed.

a me±dl paper +owel dispehser ih -the B-wih9

bdåkroom, dhd if you're ih hallway you cah see

90ih9 Oh by lookih9 reflecåioh. So how fuckers

busåed Jusåih dhd Jorge for doih9 *Key did.
BOYS
 ANA!

+kihs is, reflecåioh is blur , so eVeh

*eachers Cdh KIND Of see
wkdåjs
soihS Oh ih åke bdåkroom, if'S perfecå. Ahd how
sehå +0 principal'S office for someåkih9 even do

56

Prihci?dl
Bo+åoms
saida
+eacher
repor+ed
me for
breakih9
Off urihdl.
Ahd khow
for a fac+
kid who
acåually did
was Mary
VihSOh,
because
overheard
him
braggih9
abou+ ih

cafe±eria.

ooSH .
buå wash'* gohha Shiåck Oh Mary VihS0h, Sihce
he's kihd of kid who cah make your life miserable.
So Juså *here dhd +00k if while principal Bo-Homs
chewed ree ouå for beih9 Vdhddl.

57
Prihci?ål Boååoms made me fill self—evaluaåioh form,
which is dho+her ohe of his hew policies.

All CdhSd is,

hope doeshjå ehd up Oh
my permahehå record, because already
ehougk bad såuff Oh *here as is.
 LARRY MACK MIDDLE
SCHOOL Self-Evaluation Form
Nature of infraction:

broken urihdl hdhdle

How did this happen?

ho clue

How did this make your classmates feel?

e was re
hilarious

How can you avoid this kind of

behavior in the future?
be more gehåle wheh flushih9

58

Thursda
guess
Prihcipal
Boååoms
{ihdlly
weh+ a
+00
Ii++le
far wi+k
hew rules,
because
kids are
såaråih9
+0 push
back. *his
iSh'-f dbouå
hall passes
or
ba±kroom rules. is abou± fudgedoss.

you've hever heard of fudsedoss before, if's

because
my school is Ohl place you cah se+ *hem.
Ahd because ± ey were ihVeh±ed here.

acåually happehed by accidehå. year, school

fried ih±roducihs some healåkier op+iohS luhck,
ahd *key replaced beef doss wiåk -tofu ohes. Ahd
leå's Just say *key werehjå
wiåh såudehås.

p TOO.'

59

Ike school
huhdreds of
uheaåeh
+o(u doss,
dhd were
Fldhhih9 Oh
Juså
*browih9
*Hem all

away.

Buf
wkeh a
cafe-feria
lady
hamed Mrs. Podsher dumped focu doss ih -the
ohe of *kem fell d Vdå of fudge WAS beih9 mixed
for ice cream suhdae bar.

BLOop

guess she curious, so Mrs. Podsher +00k biåe of

fudge—covered åofu dog. Ahd when She She khew
She Juså ihVehåed a whole hew

+ype.

60

A few
days
laåer,
fudsedoss
were
officially
Oh met-w.
Ahd from
momeh+
wet* Oh
sale ih

cafeåeria, *key were smash

 FUDGEDoGS ARE

HERE
!

lh fac+, *key were so popular kids ih firs+

luhch periods were buyihg up all fudsedogs ahd
resellihg *hem higher price +0

kids who luhch ldåer Oh. Ahd Ricky Fisher

made d killih$ doih$

61
Cafe+eria sales weh+ up 60%, dhd school
even held dh assembly where Mrs. Podsher
recoghiåioh she deserved.

THAN You RS.P!

Now *here are Fudgedog Fridays, where if's buy
-twodhd seå ohe free. Ahd you cah seå all sorås
of fudgedos s+aåioh, like raihbow sprihkles dhd
mihidåure marshmallows.

FIXINGS BAR
62

The
school
eveh
held a
Fall
Fudgedos Fesåival where *here were all sor+s
of fudgedog—+kemed acåivi+ies for whole
family.

TOSS

DUNK

Me Rowley ehåered -the fudgedog -tower

compeåiåioh, buå ohce we ours four fee*
whole åkih$ collapsed.

63
O+her schools ih area heard abouå our
fudgedogs dhd fried +0 crea+e *heir OWh.
apparehåly *key used beef doss, dhd
wash'å same.

Some kids from Slacksville ac±uall broke ihåo our

school Oh d Suhday high* +0 Ahd Såeal our secreå
recipe. Buå luckily Mrs. Podsher was workihs laåe
makih9 week's baåch of fudsedogs, dhd she
caushå *hem ih ac±.

69
Fudgedoss have become such a big deal our
school we receh+ly replaced our old mascoå wi±h
ohe hamed Ahd how 0±ker schools Kafe comihs
+0 our gym +0 us ih baskeåball.

SQUIRT
People arouhd kere Juså love *keir fudgedogs. So
you Cdh probably imagihe how shocked everyohe was
+0 come +0 school dhd fihd ouå fudgedoss been
cdhceled.

SORRY,
KIDS, NO
FUDGE
DOGS

65
Prihci?dl Bo+åoms was per-soh who made decisioh.
The school hired some compary +0 help figure ou+
why åeså scores falleh so sharply, dhd *keir
dhswer was fudgedoss were -the roof of

FUDGEDOG
CONSUMPTION

TEST
SCORES
 ¯äill I

Apparehåly, Visiås +0 horse's office have

skyrockeåed ever Sihce fudgedoss were ih+roduced
, dhd kids have beeh missih$ of class +ime.

66

fie
never
persohdlly
so-Heh
sick from
ea+ih9
fudgedog,
admiå
whehever
have more
ohe, doh4
feel like
I'm my
bes+. Ahd
a 10+ of
kids have
go-Heh
ih+o -the
of åakih9
a hd?
affer
Iuhck, especially Oh

Fudgedos Fridays.
zzzzz

Eveh åkousk everyohe khows fudgedoss probably

arehjå good for you, was såill a shock wkeh *key
discohåihued. Ahd Oh Mohday, s+udehås såased a
walkouå +0 proåeså decisioh.

Back Fu Se oss!

67
Prihci?dl Bo+åoms +ried +0 calm åhih9S down b
ih+roducih9 hew '{uh food" +0 mehu, dhd
'

Fudsedos Fridays replaced with Macarohi

Mohdays.

school eveh posåers ih hallways +0 fry dhd

seå kids exciåed
 Who's ready

Macarohi
Mohdays
?

68

Buå
serving buhch of middle schoolers macaroni
was Jus+ askih9 for -trouble.

GLOP

BLOPO

SLIP

Ikih9S so ouå of cohårol Prihcipal Boååoms +0

meeå wiåk såudehå couhcil +0 see if *hey could
come up wiåk soluåioh åogeåker.

prihci?dl boååoms said he'd allow fudsedoss back

Oh mehu as IohS as kids Ohli ohe apiece. såudehå
couhcil said was +00 harsh, dhd limiå should be
+wo per persoh.

69

So
*key
S?li+
differehce dhd ldhded Oh Ohe dhd a fudgedogs per
såudeh+ per Ahd even *Hough hobody was
compleåely saåisfied, seemed like sood compromise.

Buå if you're wohderihs wha± happehS +0 all the

exåra fudgedog halves, Mrs. Podsher creaåed a
whole hew food +ype for secohd åime ih six rohåks.
Ahd 90++4 be some kihd of record.

FUDGEDOG
O
FI
NG
ER
SAR
E

HERE
!
70

Ohe of
reasohs
kids my
school
doh4
fake
*keir
educa+ioh
seriously
ehougk is
because
we doh'+
have 10+
of 9004
role
models.

Ihe moså
famous
persoh +0
come ouå
of our
school is

Larry
Mack,
dhd he
wehå +0
prisoh.
Ahd

SECOND mos+ famous persoh is his Soh, La

Mack Junior, who dropped ou+ +0 *ake oVer
family busmess wheh his away.

Buå doh'å Larry Mack Juhior ahi' regreås abouå

fihiskihg his educaåioh, because from his ads Be
seems +0 be doihs Juså {ihe.

DON'T BURN
YOUR BUCKS
ON A LEMON!

71

His
family
looks
like if'S
doih9
+00. La
Mack
Juhior
has
buhck
of
kids,
Ahd he
uses
*hem
ih His
+elevisioh ads. Ahd people Cdhjå gef ehough of his

youhseså soh, Larry Mack Juhior Juhior.

BEEP
BEEP!

acåually feel a liååle for kid, because wiåh hame

like his Ohli choice life is +0 fake over åke car
dealership wheh his decides +0 hdhS up. So
dhYåkih9 ke does beåweeh how *ken doesh4
really ma-Her.

åkihk of crazy your parehås come up wiåk

your hame before you're eVeh bor-h, dhd *ken
you're Såuck wiåk reså of

72

feels
+0 me
like
you
heed
+0
se+
+0
khow
per-soh before picking name fi+s *hem.

Sh some cultures, *key waif a year before

*key decide Oh your permdheh+ hame.
probably ehousk åime.

Because if
my parenås hamed me when fumed
hame.
ohe, wouldQe ehded a pre±åy ferrible WE
SHALL CALL
1-41M "GREGORY
BARTHOLOMEW
POOPYPANTS"!

Oåker cul+ures lef kids come up wiåk -their OWN

names ohce *keire old ehougk. I'm ho-f sure
suck a greaå idea D ei+ker

73