The Devil’s Dictionary

The Complete Edition

Ambrose Bierce

AL MA CL AS S I CS
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The Devil’s Dictionary first published in 1906. First published, in expanded

form, as The Enlarged Devil’s Dictionary, in 1967 by Victor Gollancz Ltd
This edition first published by Alma Classics in 2019

Cover design by Will Dady

Notes © Alma Books Ltd

Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon CR0 4YY

isbn: 978-1-84749-817-5

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 Contents

Prefacev

The Devil’s Dictionary 1

A 3
B 23
C 35
D 61
E 79
F 97
G 119
H 135
I 151
J 177
K 181
L 185
M 201
N 217
O 221
P 229
Q 249
R 251
S 271
T 295
U 305
V 309
W 311
X 319
Y 321
Z 323

Note on the Text 327

Notes 327
 Preface to
The Devil’s Dictionary of 1911

The Devil’s Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and

was continued in a desultory way and at long intervals until 1906.
In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title
The Cynic’s Word Book, a name which the author had not the power
to reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of
the present work:
“This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him
by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of
the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when
it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its
imitators with a score of ‘cynic’ books – The Cynic’s This, The
Cynic’s That and The Cynic’s t’Other. Most of these books were
merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of silli-
ness. Among them, they brought the word ‘cynic’ into disfavour
so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of
publication.”
Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the
country had helped themselves to such parts of the work as
served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes,
phrases and so forth had become more or less current in
popular speech. This explanation is made not with any pride
of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges
of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own
the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the
work is addressed – enlightened souls who prefer dry wines
to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humour and clean English
to slang.

v
 the devil’s dictionary

A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the

book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets,
chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric Father Gassalasca
Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape’s kindly
encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is
greatly indebted.
A.B.

vi
The Devil’s Dictionary
Key to abbreviations
a. Active
adj. Adjective
adv. Adverb
exc. Exclamation
fem. Feminine
n. Noun
pl. Plural
p. p. Past participle
pron. Pronoun
v. Verb
v. i. Verb – intransitive
v. t. Verb – transitive
 A
A. The first letter in every properly constructed alphabet. It is the
first natural utterance of the human vocal organs, and is variously
sounded, according to the pleasure and convenience of the speaker.
In logic, A asserts and B denies. Assertions being proverbially untrue,
the presumption would be in favour of B’s innocence, were it not that
denials are notoriously false. In grammar, A is called the indefinite
article – probably because, denoting a definite number, it is so obvi-
ously a numeral adjective.

Abacot, n. A cap of state wrought into the shape of two crowns,

formerly worn by kings. Very pretty monarchs had it made in
the shape of three crowns.
Abactor, n. One who steals a whole herd of cattle, as distinguished
from the inferior actor who steals one animal at a time – a supe-
rior stock actor, as it were.
Abacus, n. In architecture, the upper part of a column, upon which,
in all good architecture, sits the thoughtful stork pondering
unutterable things.
Abada, n. An African animal having three horns, two on the head
and one on the nape of the neck by which to hang up the car-
cass after the head has been removed. In those varieties that are
not hunted by man, this third horn is imperfectly developed or
wholly wanting.
Abaddon, n. [1.] A certain person who is much in society, but
whom one does not meet. A bad one. [2.] The adversary of
souls, considered under one of his many charming aspects.
A bad one.
Abandon, v. t. [1.] To confer the advantage of being rid of you.
To recant.

3
 abandon | abdication • the devil’s dictionary

Thank Heaven, I have abandoned the follies of youth for those

of age.*
Chauncey Depew*

[2.] To correct an erring friend or admonish a needy one. Of

women the word “abandoned” is used in the sense of “indiscreet”.
Abasement, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the pres-
ence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee
when addressing an employer.
Abatis, n. [1.] Embarrassing circumstances placed outside a fort in
order to augment the coy reluctance of the enemy. [2.] Rubbish
in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting
the rubbish inside.
Abattoir, n. A place where cattle slaughter kine. It is commonly
placed at some distance from the haunts of our species, in order
that they who devour the flesh may not be shocked by the sight
of the blood.
Abat-voix, n. A sounding brass above a tinkling cymbal.
Abba, n. A father who has made a vow not to be a husband.
Abbess, n. A female father.
Abderian, adj. Abderian laughter is idle and senseless laughter – so
called because Democritus, an idle and senseless philosopher, is
said to have been born at Abdera, whence the word was hardly
worth importing.
Abdest, n. The Mohammedan ceremony of inspiring water through
the nose before expiring prayer from the stomach.
Abdication, n. [1.] The surrender of a crown for a cowl, in order
to compile the shin-bones and toenails of saints. The voluntary
renunciation of that of which one has previously been deprived
by force. The giving up of a throne for the purpose of enjoying
the discomfiture of a successor. For these several definitions we
are indebted to Spanish history. [2.] An act whereby a sovereign
attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella’s dead, whose abdication

Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance ’twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

4
 the devil’s dictionary • abdication | ability

To History she’ll be no royal riddle –

Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
G.J.

Abdomen, n. [1.] A shrine enclosing the object of man’s sincerest

devotion. [2.] The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship,
with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this
ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They some-
times minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way,
but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they
know not. If woman had a free hand in the world’s marketing,
the race would become graminivorous.
Abduction, n. [1.] In law, a crime; in morals, a punishment.
[2.] A species of invitation without persuasion. See kidnap.

“You act as if you were given,” said she,

“To abduction – but pray do not kidnap me.”
“Oh, well,” said that bold and impenitent chap,
“You’re the kind of kid I should like to nap.”

Abelians, n. A religious sect of Africa who practised the virtues of

Abel. They were unfortunate in flourishing contemporaneously
with the Cainians,* and are now extinct.
Aberration, n. Any deviation in another from one’s own habit of
thought, not sufficient in itself to constitute insanity.
Abet, v. t. To encourage in crime, as to aid poverty with pennies.
Abhorrence, n. One of the degrees of disapproval due to what is
imperfectly understood.
Abide, v. i. To treat with merited indifference the landlord’s notifica-
tion that he has let his house to a party willing to pay.
Ability, n. [1.] That rare quality of mind to which monuments
are erected by posterity above the bones of paupers. [2.] The
natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the
meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.
In the last analysis, ability is commonly found to consist
mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this
impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to
be solemn.

5
 abject | abracadabra • the devil’s dictionary

Abject, adj. Innocent of income; without estate; devoid of good

clothing.
Abjectly, adv. In the manner of a poor but honest person.
Abjure, v. t. To take the preliminary step towards resumption.
Ablative, adj. A certain case of Latin nouns. The ablative abso-
lute is an ancient form of grammatical error much admired by
modern scholars.
Abnegation, n. Renunciation of profitable pleasures or painful
gains.
Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of
thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal,
to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicogra-
pher adviseth a striving towards a straiter resemblance to
the average man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth
thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the
hope of hell.
Abominable, adj. The quality of another’s opinions.
Aborigines, n. [1.] Considerate persons who will not trouble the
lexicographer of the future to describe them. [2.] Persons of little
worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.
They soon cease to cumber – they fertilize.
Abracadabra

By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
’Tis the answer to what and how and why
And whence and whither – a word whereby
The truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for wisdom’s holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun

Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that ’tis handed down
From sage to sage,
From age to age –
An immortal part of speech!

6
the devil’s dictionary • abracadabra

Of an ancient man the tale is told

That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountainside.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you’ll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near

To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But “Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!”
’Twas all he had,
’Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next –
A trickle of text
In a meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkable – very!

He’s dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
Oh, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity’s general sense of things.
Jamrach Holobom

7
 abridge | absent • the devil’s dictionary

Abridge, v. t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a

people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions
of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which
impel them to the separation.
Oliver Cromwell

Abridgement, n. A brief summary of some person’s literary

work, in which those parts that tell against the convictions of
the abridger are omitted for want of space.
Abroad, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman
abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make
others miserable.
Abrupt, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a
cannon shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests
are mostly affected by it. Dr Samuel Johnson beautifully said
of another author’s ideas that they were “concatenated without
abruption”.*
Abruption, n. Dr Johnson said of a certain work that the ideas
were “concatenated without abruption”. In deference to that
great authority we have given the word a place.
Abscond, v. i. [1.] To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
of a dying relative and miss the return train. [2.] To “move in
a mysterious way”, commonly with the property of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Phela Orm

Absence, n. That which “makes the heart grow fonder” – of

absence. Absence of mind is the cerebral condition essential
to success in popular preaching. It is sometimes termed “lack
of sense”.
Absent, adj. [1.] Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaint-
ances; defamed; slandered. [2.] Peculiarly exposed to the tooth
of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in
the consideration and affection of another.

8
 the devil’s dictionary • absent | absurdity

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman’s body is the woman. Oh,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Jogo Tyree

Absentee, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought

to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
Absolute, adj. [1.] In philosophy, existing without reference to
anything, and for a purely selfish purpose. Absolute certainty is
one of the possible degrees of probability. Absolute monarchy
is a form of government in which the chief power is vested in a
gentleman who is near his end. [2.] Independent, irresponsible.
An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he
pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute
monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by lim-
ited monarchies, where the sovereign’s power for evil (and for
good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed
by chance.
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains
from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity
in the affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought

You a total abstainer, my son.”
“So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught –
“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”
G.J.

Abstemious, adj. Thoughtfully deferential to one’s overtaxed

capacity.
Abstruseness, n. The bait of a bare hook.
Absurdity, n. [1.] The argument of an opponent. A belief in which
one has not had the misfortune to be instructed. [2.] A state-
ment or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

9
 abundance | accountability • the devil’s dictionary

Abundance, n. A means, under Providence, of withholding alms

from the destitute.
Abuse, n. [1.] Unanswerable wit. [2.] The goal of debate. Abuse
of power is the exercise of authority in a manner unpleasant
to ourselves.
Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy
were taught.
Academy, n. [1.] Originally a grove in which philosophers sought
a meaning in nature; now a school in which naturals seek a
meaning in philosophy. [2.] (From academe.) A modern school
where football is taught.
Accept, v. t. In courtship, to reap the whirlwind after sowing the
wind. To accept office is to take with decent reluctance the
reward of immodest avidity. To accept a challenge is to become
a sincere believer in the sanctity of human life.
Accident, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immu-
table natural laws.
Acclimated, p. p. Secured against endemic diseases through
having died of one.
Accommodate, v. t. To oblige; to lay the foundation of future
exactions.
Accomplice, n. [1.] Your partner in business. [2.] One associated
with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity,
as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This
view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not hitherto
commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them
a fee for assenting.
Accord, n. Harmony.
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments
of an assassin.
Accoucheur, n. The devil’s purveyor.
Accountability, n. The mother of caution.

“My accountability, bear in mind,”

Said the Grand Vizier. “Yes, yes,”
Said the Shah, “I do – ’tis the only kind
Of ability you possess.”
Joram Tate

10
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