Helping Children When
They Fight & Argue
A Guide For Parents
NHS Lothian (West Lothian Healthcare Division)
It is quite normal for children to argue and fight. Arguing is NOT a sign
of an unhappy relationship. Insisting and expecting your children to get
on well together all the time can have the opposite effect. Children will
learn through disagreements how to stand up for themselves, express
feelings and solve arguments. If parents often intervene to stop
arguments, children won’t learn these important lessons.
Parents only need to get involved if the arguments become excessive
or destructive. NEVER allow physical fights. If anger or fighting is a
problem for your children, YOU need to take the lead in showing them
how to stay calm. Hitting is sometimes the only option that a child can
think of to solve an argument. Adults have to teach them other ways
to sort out their disagreements.
Arguing
Children learn by example, so try not to argue when they are in
the house. Remember they can hear you even if they are in bed
or in another room.
Teach children how to argue without being rude. Encourage them
to state what they mean and listen to others’ points of view. They
need to learn that it is OK to “agree to disagree”.
Praise and reward children when they can solve an argument
successfully, without fighting. If they have watched you argue
over an issue with another adult, without losing control or
becoming abusive, they are much more likely to copy this
themselves.
Do not allow one child to wind the other up or provoke them into
losing their temper.
Siblings
Remember:
Fighting is normal amongst brothers and sisters. Accept that
they can’t get on all the time.
Younger children frequently taunt an older brother or sister who
may then get the blame for the fight. Deal with the real culprit
and be wary of the child who invents stories to get the other into
trouble.
Be consistent. The strategy you choose should be used every time
and everywhere. Do not ignore an argument one day and get angry
about it the next, because of the way you are feeling or because
there are visitors.
Ways to avoid some arguments:
It can be helpful to identify “quarrel free zones”, where
arguments are not allowed, e.g. on the bus. This is also a very
useful rule for adults to follow too!
Everybody should be entitled to an area where they will not be
pestered. Bedrooms, or their part of a shared room, are private.
It is helpful to agree this beforehand and agree that privacy and
personal space should be respected.
A good way to do this is to set up contracts, e.g. ask before
borrowing things, and do not go into another person’s room
without asking. You should also agree in advance what will happen
if someone breaks the contract.
When arguments begin:
Ignore minor squabbles.
Do not immediately intervene if an argument breaks out.
If your children cannot sort it out by themselves, first help them
work out what the problem is and help them look for possible
solutions.
It may be necessary to suggest some possible solutions, e.g. if
they are arguing over a toy, suggest they have 5 “goes” each with
it.
After it is all over:
When everyone is calm, discuss the argument or fight. Help each
child to talk about how they felt. Talking about it can help them
express anger in a better way.
Physical Aggression
General points:
Think ahead. Try to be prepared for dangerous situations that
might lead to children fighting with each other, before they
happen.
It is important that children are not seeing other people being
physically aggressive. Separate them from friends who fight and
make sure no adult ever uses violence. If you suspect that they
copy violent behaviour they see on TV, then limit or stop them
from watching such programmes.
When fighting happens:
Separate children, if necessary, to avoid them hurting each
other. You should try to be fair, e.g. send them both to their
rooms, instead of just one, until they are calm. A few minutes may
be enough.
Use appropriate consequences, e.g. if they deliberately break a
toy, do not replace it and, if they argue over TV, switch it off
until they can agree what to watch.
Allow children, and yourself, time to “cool down” after a fight
before discussing what went wrong and how to avoid it in the
future.
Things NOT to do:
Never use retribution, e.g. “an eye for an eye”. For example, if
Jamie breaks Robbie’s car, Robbie should not be told to break
Jamie’s car “to see how it feels”. However, Jamie should replace
Robbie’s toy from his pocket money or give him a car of his own.
Never tell a child to hit back.
What to Avoid
Firstly:
If you make older children take on too much responsibility for
looking after their younger siblings, they are likely to become
resentful and angry. This may cause more fights.
Do not get involved in minor squabbles.
Do not immediately judge who is to blame - you may be wrong, e.g.
do not blame the older child when a fight occurs as younger
children are just as capable of starting fights.
Allow each child the opportunity to put across their point of view.
During the fight:
Do not get angry and shout.
Do not smack.
Do not demand to know who started the fight or why.
It is not helpful to accuse them of always fighting.
Try not to let them know that their arguments upset you, e.g. do
not say “you are giving me a headache” or “you will be the death
of me”.
Finally...
Arguing is a normal part of growing up and, in fact, teaches children
important skills. We cannot expect children to get on all the time.
If you ignore minor fights and encourage children to solve arguments
themselves in a calm sensible way, you will find they will get better and
better at solving arguments before they get out of control.
Artwork and Layout by Nursing & Quallity Department
January 2004
