ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Hospital

Early morning (January)

ALICE is sitting. She is wearing a black coat. She has a rucksack by her side. Also, an
old, brown, leather briefcase.

She rolls down one sock. She has a cut on her leg, quite bloody. She looks at it. She
picks some strand of wool from the wound.

She looks at the briefcase. Thinks. Looks around. Opens it. She searches inside. She pulls
out some sandwiches in silver foil. She looks at the contents, smiles, puts them back in the
briefcase. Then she removes a green apple from the briefcase. She shines the apple and
bites into it.

As she starts to chew DAN enters. He wears a suit and an overcoat. He stops, watches her
eating his apple. He is holding two hot drinks in Styrofoam cups. After a while she sees hime
and smiles.

Alice Sorry. I was looking for a cigarette.

Dan I’ve given up.

He hands her a drink.

Alice Thanks.

He checks his watch.

Have you got to be somewhere?

Dan Work.

They sip their drinks.

Didn’t fancy my sandwiches?

Alice I don’t eat fish.

Dan Why not?

Alice Fish piss in the sea.

Dan So do children.

Alice I don’t eat children either. What’s your work?

Dan I’m a … sort of journalist.

Alice What sort?

Beat

Dan I write obituaries.

Beat

Alice Do you like it … in the dying buisness?

Dan It’s a living.

Alice Did you grow up in a graveyard?

Dan Yeah. Suburbia.

Beat
Alice Do you think a doctor will come?

Dan Eventually. Does it hurt?

Alice I’ll live.

Dan Shall I put your leg up?

Alice Why?

Dan That’s what they do in these situations.

Alice What is this ‘situation’?

They look at each other.

Dan Do you want me to put your leg up?

Alice Yes, please.

DAN lifts her leg onto a chair, offers his mobile phone

Dan I’ve got a mobile, is there anyone you’d like to phone?

Alice I don’t know anyone.

 Who cut off your crusts?

Dan Me.

Alice Did your mother cut off your crusts when you were a little boy?

Dan I believe she did, yes.

Alice You should eat your crusts

Dan You should stop smoking.

Beat

Alice Thank you for scrapping me off the road.

Dan My pleasure.

Alice You knight.

Dan looks at her

Dan You damsel.

Why didn’t you look?

Alice I never look where I’m going.

Dan We stopped at the lights, I looked into your eyes and then you … stepped into the
road.

Alice Then what?

Dan You were lying on the ground, you focused on me, you said “Hallo, stranger.”

Alice What a slut.

Dan I noticed your leg was cut.

Alice Did you notice my legs?

Dan Quite possibly.

Alice Then what?

Dan The cabbie got out. He crossed himself. He said, “Thank fuck, I thought I killed her.” I
said, “Let’s get her to a hospital.” He hesitated … (I think he thought there’d be paperwork
and he’d be held ‘responsible’) so I said, with a slight sneer, “Please, just drop us at the
hospital.”
Alice Show me the sneer

Dan considers, then sneers.

Very good. Buster.

Dan We put you in a cab and came here.

Alice What was I doing?

Dan You were murmuring, “I’m very sorry for all the inconvenience.” I had my arm around
you … your head was on my shoulder.

Alice Was my head … lolling?

Dan That’s exactly what it was doing.

Beat

Alice So … how did you get your job?

Dan They ask you to write your own obituary: if it amuses, you’re in.

They are close. Looking at each other.

LARRY walks past in a white coat. Dan stops him.

Excuse me, we’ve been waiting quite a long time …

Larry I’m sorry, it’s not my …

Larry is about to walk away. He glances briefy at Alice. ‘Pretty girl’ He stops.

What happened?

Alice I was hit by a cab.

Dan She was unconscious for about 10 seconds.

Larry May I?

Larry looks at the wound and examines her leg with interest.

You can feel your toes?

Alice Yes.

Larry What’s this?

 Larry traces the line of a scar on her leg.

Alice It’s a scar.

Larry Yes, I know it’s a scar. How did you get it?

Alice In America. A truck.

Larry looks at the scar.

Larry Awful job.

Alice I was in the middle of nowhere.

Larry You’ll be fine.

Larry makes to leave.

Alice Can I have one?

Larry looks at her, she nods at his pocket.

A cigarette.

Larry takes out his pack of cigarettes and removes one. Alice reaches for it, he withdraws
it.

Larry Don’t smoke it here

Alice Thank you.

Larry exits.

Slow fade to blackout.

SCENE 2

Anna’s studio.

Late afternoon. June (the following year)

ANNA stands behind her camera. DAN sirs. ANNA takes a photo.

Anna Good.

Shot
 Don’t move.

Shot

Dan Do you mind if I smoke?

Anna If you must.

Dan I do t have to.

Anna Then don’t.

Anna looks at Dan.

I liked your book.

Dan Thanks…

Anna When’s it published?

Dan Next year, how come you read it?

Anna Your publisher sent me a manuscript; I read it last night.

You kept me up til four.

Dan I’m flattered.

Anna Is your anonymous heroine based on someone real?

Beat.

Dan She’s… someone called Alice.

Anna How does she feel about you stealing her life?

Dan Borrowing her life. I’m dedicating the book to her, she’s pleased.

Dan is staring at her; Anna turns, looks at him.

Pause.

Do you exhibit?

Anna Next summer.

Dan Portraits?

Anna Yes.
Dan Of who?

Beat.

Anna Strangers.

Anna gestures for him to sit again. She checks the light on him with a meter.

Dan How do your strangers feel about you stealing their lives?

Anna Borrowing.

Anna adjusts his hair.

Dan Am I a stranger?

Anna No… you’re a job.

Pause.

Dan You’re beautiful.

Beat.

Anna No I’m not.

Anna looks down the lens.

Chin up, you’re a sloucher.

Shot.

Dan You didn’t find it obscene?

Anna What?

Dan The book.

Anna No, I thought it was… accurate.

Shot.

Dan About what?

Anna About sex. About love.

Shot.
Dan In what way?

Anna You wrote it.

Dan But you read it. Till four

Dan looks at her, Anna looks down the lens.

Anna Don’t raise your eyebrows, you look smug.

Shot.

Stand up.

Dan stands up.

Dan (Gently) Come here…

Pause.

Anna moves towards him, slowly. She stops.

Anna I don’t kiss strange men.

Dan Neither do I.

They kiss. 10 seconds. Anna slowly pulls back.

Slow fade to blackout.

SCENE FIVE

Gallery

Evening. June (Five months later).

Dan has a glass of wine. A slightly shabby black suit. He checks his watch and waits,
nervously.

Anna enters

Pause. They look at each other.

Anna I can’t talk for long.

Dan Bit of a do, isn’t it?

Anna Yeah, I hate it.

Dan But you’re good at it.

So, he’s a dermatologist. Can you get more boring than that?

Anna Obituarist?

Dan Failed novelist, please.

Anna I was sorry about your book.

Dan Thanks, I blame the title.

Anna (smiles) I blame the critics. You must write another one.

Dan Why can’t failure be attractive?

Anna It’s not a failure.

Dan It’s perceived to be, therefore it is. Pathetically, I needed praise. A real writer is …
above such concerns.

Anna How’s Alice?

Dan She’s fine. Do you love him?

Anna Yes, very much.

Beat

Dan (alarmed) You’re not going to marry him?

Anna I might.

Dan Don’t. Marry me. Children. Everything.

You don’t want his children -- three little stooges in white coats.
Don’t marry him, marry me.
Grow old with me … die with me … wear a battered cardigan on the beach in
Bournemouth.
Marry me.

Silence. They are very close. Larry has entered; he is looking at them. Dan sees him and
goes to exit.

Larry Hallo … Stranger.

Anna Hallo.
Larry Intense conversation?

Beat

Anna We’re you spying?

Larry Lovingly observing -- (with a telescope).

Larry kisses Anna.

He’s taller than his photo.

Anna The photo’s a headshot.

Larry Yeah, I know, but his head implied a short body … but in fact, his head is …
deceptive.

Anna Deceptive?

Larry Yes, because he’s actually got a long body. He’s a stringy fucker.

Anna laughs

I could ‘ave ‘im.

Anna What?

Larry If it came to it, in a scrap, I could ‘ave ‘im.

Anna smiles.

Did you tell him we call him “Cupid”?

Anna No, that’s our joke.

Anna tugs his sweater, pulling him towards her.

Larry I’ve never worn cashmere before. Thank you. I’m Cinderella at the ball.

Anna (charmed) You’re such a peasant.

Larry You love it.

Larry holds her.

I had a chat with young Alice.

Anna Fancy her?

Larry ‘Course. Not as much as you.

Anna Why?

Larry You’re a woman … she’s a girl.

She has the moronic beauty of youth but she’s got … side.

Anna She seems very open to me.

Larry That’s how she wants to seem.

You forget you’re dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnival.

Anna Am I now?

Larry Oh yes.

Anna You seem more like “the cat who got the cream.”
You can stop licking yourself, you know.

Pause. Anna turns to Larry, slowly.

Larry (coolly) That’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said to me.

Anna God, I’m sorry. It was a horrible thing to say. It’s just … my family’s here and friends..
I have no excuse. I’m sorry.

Pause.

Larry Forget it. I know what you mean. I’ll stop pawing you.

Anna kisses him.

I met your dad …

Anna I know. He actually said, “I like him.” He’s never said that before … about anyone.
They all adored you; my stepmother thinks you’re gorgeous.
“Lovely hands,” she said, “you can imagine him doind his stitching, very sensitively.”

Larry So they didn’t think I was “beneath you”?

Anna No. You’re not … you’re you and you’re wonderful.

Larry holds her.

Larry Did you like my folks? They loved you.

Anna Your mother’s got such a … kind face.

They look at each other.

Blackout.

SCENE SIX

Domestic interior.

Midnight. June (A year later).

Anna sitting on a chaise-lounge.

Alice asleep, curled up on a small sofa. She is wearing striped pyjamas.

A half-eaten red apple beside her.

They are in separate room.

Dan enters. He carries the brown briefcase seen in Scene One. He looks at Alice.

After a while she wakes.

Alice Where’ve you been?

What?

Dan Work. I had a drink with Harry. You never have one drink with Harry.

Alice Did you eat? I made sandwiches -- no crusts.

Dan I’m not hungry.

Pause.

Alice What?

Beat

Dan This will hurt.

I’ve been with Anna.
I’m in love with her. We’ve been seeing each other for a year.

Silence.
Alice gets up and slowly exits.
On the other side of the stage Larry enters.
 He has a suitcase, bags, duty-free carrier.

Larry (To Anna) Don’t move.

I want to remember this moment for ever; the first time I walked through the door,
Returning from a business trip, to be greeted by my wife.
I have, in this moment, become an adult.

Larry kisses Anna.

Thanks for waiting up, you darling. You goddess.

I missed you.
Jesus I’m knackered.

Anna Didn’t you sleep on the plane?

Larry No, because the permed German sleeping next to me was snoring like a
Messerschmitt.

Larry removes his jacket, Anna takes it.

What’s the time?

Anna Midnight.

Larry Seven.
Time; what a tricky little fucker.
My head’s in two places, my brain actually hurts.

Anna Do you want some food?

Larry Nahh, I ate my “Scooby Snacks” on the plane. I need a bath.

Anna Shall I run you one?

Larry No, I’ll just have a shower.

Larry untucks his shirt and kicks off his shoe.

You OK?

Anna Mmhmm

Beat. They look at each other.

How was the … thing?

Larry As Dermatological Confrences go, it was a riot.

 Larry takes a bottle of scotch from his bag of duty-free and swigs it.

Anna How was the hotel?

Larry Someone told me that the beautiful people of “The Paramount Hotel,” the concierge
and the bell boys and girls -- did you know this? They’re all whores.

Anna Everyone knows that.

Larry I didn’t. Want some?

Larry offers the bottle, Anna takes a swig.

God I stink.

Anna Are you all right?

Larry Yeah. I don’t suppose you fancy a friendly poke?

Beat

Anna I’ve just had a bath.

Larry I’ll see to myself then.

Larry looks at Anna.

Why are you dressed? If you’ve just had a bath.

Beat

Anna We needed some milk.

Larry Right.

Larry goes to exit, stops.

You OK?

Anna Uh-huh. You?

Larry Yeah …

Larry exits.
Alice enters. She is wearing the black coat from Scene One, plus her rucksack from the
same scene.

Alice I’m going.

Dan I’m sorry.

Alice Irrelevant. What are you sorry for?

Beat.

Dan Everything.

Alice Why didn’t you tell me before?

Beat.

Dan Cowardice.

Alice Is it because she's clever?

Dan No, it’s because … she doesn’t need me.

Pause.

Alice Didn’t she get married?

Dan She stopped seeing me.

Beat.

Alice You’re a piece of shit.

Dan Deception is brutal, I’m not pretending otherwise.

Alice Not good enough, I’m going.

Dan prevents her from leaving.

Dan It’s late, it’s not safe out there.

Alice And it’s safe in here?

Dan What about your things?

Alice I don’t need ‘things’.

Dan Where will you go?

Alice I’ll disappear.

Larry enters, having had his shower. He is wearing a dressing gown.

 He hands Anna a shoe box.

Larry “The Sultan” has returned bearing gifts.

Anna opens the box and takes out the shoes.

Dan moves towards Alice.

Alice DON’T COME NEAR ME.

Anna (To Larry) They’re beautiful. Thank you. You’re wonderful.

Larry Don’t ever forget it.

Larry exits.

Alice Change your mind.

Please, change your mind.
Can I still see you?
Dan … can I still see you?
Answer me.

Dan I can’t see you. If I see you I’ll never leave you.

Beat.

Alice What will you do if I find someone else?

Dan Be jealous

Beat.

Alice Do you still fancy me?

Dan Of course.

Alice shakes her head.

Alice You’re lying. I’ve been “you”.

Alice starts to cry.

Hold me?

Dan holds her.

I amuse you but I bore you.

Dan No. No.

Alice You did love me?

Dan I’ll always love you. You changed my life. I hate hurting you.

Alice So why are you?

Dan Because … I’m selfish and I think I’ll be happier with her.

Alice You won’t, you’ll miss me. No one will ever love you as much as I do.

Dan I know.

Pause.

Alice Why isn’t love enough?

I’m the one who leaves.
I’m supposed to leave you.
I’m the one who leaves.

Alice kisses Dan. He responds. She breaks.

Make some tea … Buster

Dan exits.
Alice and Anna are alone.
Alice grabs her things and leaves.
Larry enters. He is wearing trousers and the black cashmere seen in Scene Five.

Anna Why are you dressed?

Larry Because I think you might be about to leave me and I didn’t want to be wearing
dressing gown.
I slept with someone in New York.
A whore.
I’m sorry.
Please don’t leave me.
Beat.

Anna Why?

Larry For sex. I wanted sex. (I wore a condom).

Beat.

Anna Was it … good?

Larry huffs and puffs.

Larry … Yes …

Pause.

Anna Why did you tell me?

Larry I couldn’t lie to you.

Anna Why not?

Dan Because I love you.

Pause.

Anna It’s fine.

Larry Really? Why?

Anna looks at her shoes.

Anna Guilt present?

Larry Love present. Something’s wrong … Anna …

Anna turns to him.

Are you leaving me?

Anna nods.

Why?

Anna Dan.

Beat.

Larry “Cupid”? He’s our joke.

Anna I love him

Pause.

Larry You’re seeing him now …

Anna Yes.

Larry Since when?

Anna Since my opening, last year. I’m disgusting.

Beat.

Larry You’re phenomenal … you’re so … clever.

Why did you marry me?

Anna I stopped seeing him, I wanted us to work.

Larry (tough) Why did you tell me you wanted children?

Anna Yes--I don’t know--I’m so sorry.

Pause.

Larry Why?

Beat.

Anna I need him.

Silence.

Larry But … we’re happy … aren’t we?

Anna Yes.

Beat.

Larry Are you going to live with him?

Anna Yes. You stay here, if you want to.

Larry I don’t give a FUCK about ‘the spoils’.

You did this the day we met; let me hang myself for your amusement.
Why didn’t you tell me the second I walked in the door?

Anna I was scared

Larry Because you’re a coward. You spoilt bitch.

Dan enters with two cups of tea, sees Alice has gone. He exist after her.

Are you dressed because you thought I might hit you?

Larry moves towards Anna, slowly.

 (close) What do you think I am?

Anna I’ve been hit before.

Larry Not by me.

Larry stands over Anna.

Is he a good fuck?

Anna Don’t do this.

Larry Just answer the question. Is he good?

Beat.

Anna Yes.

Larry Better than me?

Anna Different.

Larry Better?

Anna Gentler.

Larry What does that mean?

Anna You know what it means.

Larry Tell me.

Anna No.

Larry I treated you like a whore?

Anna Sometimes.

Larry Why would that be?

Silence.

Anna I’m sorry, you’re --

Larry Don’t say it, don’t fucking say, “You’re too good for me”. I am -- but don’t say it.

Larry kneels to her.

 (gently) Anna, you’re making the mistake of your life.
You’re leaving me because you think you don’t deserve happiness, but you do,
Anna, you do …

Larry looks at her.

Did you have a bath because you had sex with him?

Anna looks at him. He moves away from her.

So you didn’t smell of him? So you’d feel less guilty?

And how do you feel?

Anna Guilty.

Beat.

Larry Did you ever love me?

Anna Yes.

Larry Big fucking deal.

Silence. Larry breaks down.

Anna … please, don’t leave me … please.

Anna holds Larry.

On the other side of the stage Dan re-enters and sits on the sofa

Did you do it here?

Anna No.

Larry Why not?

Larry breaks from her.

(hard) Just tell me the truth.

Beat.

Anna Yes, we did it here.

Larry Where?

Beat.
Anna Here.

Larry On this?

He gestures to the chaise-longue.

We had our first fuck on this.

Think of me?
When?
When did you do it here?
ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Beat.

Anna (scared) This evening.

Pause.

Larry Did you come?

Anna Why are you doing this?

Larry Because I want to know.

Beat.

Anna (softly) Yes … I came.

Larry How many times?

Anna Twice.

Larry How?

Anna First he went down on me and then we fucked.

Beat.

Larry Who was where?

Anna (tough) I was on top and then he fucked me from behind.

Larry And that’s when you came the second time?

Anna Why is the sex so important?

Larry BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING CAVEMAN.

Did you touch yourself while he fucked you?
Anna Yes.

Larry You wank for him?

Anna Sometimes.

Larry And he does?

Anna We do everything that people who have sex do.

Larry You enjoy sucking him off?

Anna Yes.

Larry You like his cock?

Anna I love it.

Larry You like him coming in your face?

Anna Yes.

Larry What does it taste like?

Anna It tastes like you but sweeter.

Larry THAT’S the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty.
Now fuck off and die. You fucked-up slag.

Blackout.