Child Discipline

Copyright 2010 by David W. Cloud

is edition September 2022
ISBN 978-1-58318-164-5

Published by Way of Life Literature

PO Box 610368, Port Huron, MI 48061
866-295-4143 (toll free) - ns@wayo ife.org
www.wayo ife.org

Canada: Bethel Baptist Church

4212 Campbell St. N., London Ont. N6P 1A6 519-652-2619
Printed in Canada by
Bethel Baptist Print Ministry
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 Table of Contents
Keeping the Kids .....................................................................5
Your Enemy .............................................................................8
God’s Promises ......................................................................10
e Roles of the Father and the Mother ............................12
Understanding the Child’s Nature ......................................26
Obedience and Respect for Authority ...............................27
Making Much of God’s Word..............................................33
Discipline Must Begin Early ...............................................52
Discipline Must Be Done Diligently ..................................54
E ective Use of the Rod .......................................................55
No Sassing or Resisting ........................................................64
Discipline for Actions and for Attitude .............................66
Discipline in Love .................................................................69
Consistency and Persistency ...............................................72
Involvement and Communication .....................................75
Father and Mother in Harmony .........................................80
Keeping the Child’s Heart ....................................................81
Discipleship ...........................................................................92
Teaching Responsibility and a Work Ethic .....................100
Continuing rough Adolescence ...................................102
How to Spoil the Child Training ......................................108
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 “Train up a child in the way he should
go: and when he is old, he will not depart
from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
 Keeping the Kids
Most of this book on child discipline is excerpted from
Keeping the Kids: How to Keep the Children From Falling
Prey to the World, which is available in print and eBook
editions from Way of Life Literature. e book is a child-
training manual, a marriage manual, a discipleship manual.
It is a manual for parents, grandparents, pastors, and youth
workers.

Keeping the Kids Chapter Titles

• Can We Keep the Kids?
• The Necessity of Priority
• The Necessity of a Biblical Conversion
• The Home: Consistent Christian Living
• The Home: The Husband-Wife Relationship
• Child Discipline
• The Church
• Separation from the Pop Culture
• Discipleship
• The Grandparents
• What if the Kids Are Already Rebellious?
• Candor, God’s Grace, and the Power of Prayer
• Ten Tips for Daily Bible Reading
• How to Lose Your Child Before He Is Five
• A Checklist for “Keeping the Kids”

_____________

E ective child discipline is one of the most important

aspects of “keeping the kids.” Such discipline must be
accomplished within a framework of a godly home
environment, which is why we dealt with this (consistent
Christian living, husband-wife relationship, etc.) separately
in the previous chapters (of Keeping the Kids).
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 6 Child Discipline

e Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go:

and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs
22:6).
We discussed this verse at the beginning of the book
(Keeping the Kids) in the chapter “Can We Keep the Kids?” I
believe it is God’s promise for godly child-training. It does
not mean that the child will never struggle with submission
to God and human authority, nor does it mean that the child
will necessarily exhibit perfect sancti cation and surrender.
It simply means what it says. If the child is trained in the
right way he will not depart from it when he is old, and that
age varies from child to child.
Parents need to go to God’s Word for instruction in
discipline, and not to the world or to Christian
psychologists. e Bible is given by divine inspiration and is
able to make God’s people “perfect, throughly furnished
unto all good works” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). is means that
the Bible has everything we need for faith and practice. e
word “perfect” does not mean sinless perfection; it means
thoroughly furnished or equipped to do God’s will in this
world. It has everything necessary for godly husband-wife
relationships and for e ective child training.
ere are Bible-based books that can help parents in this all-
important task of training their children. It doesn’t come
naturally; it must be learned. Many Christian parents were
not raised in a godly home themselves, so they have never
seen these things lived out. Two books that I recommend
are the following:
Rearing Spiritual Children to Serve the Savior by Terry
Coomer. God has given Pastor Coomer some special
wisdom about building a godly Christian life and family.
In addition to publishing helpful materials on this
subject, he conducts family conferences in local churches.
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 Keeping the Kids 7

Pastor Coomer may be contacted at:

For Love of the Family Ministries, P.O. Box 535, Elwood,
IN 46036, 765-552-1973.
www.fortheloveo hefamily.com, [email protected].
Training Your Children to Turn out Right
by David Sorenson (Northstar Ministries, 218-726-0209.
www.northstarministries.com, [email protected].
Materials are available, but they must be used. I would
challenge parents to get these books and sit down together
and go through them and discuss them. Analyze your family
in light of God’s Word and decide what changes need to be
made.
Churches need to emphasize this matter and give more
practical instruction than they usually do. It is the church’s
responsibility to teach God’s Word, and it is God’s Word that
contains the instructions on how to train godly children. A
message on the home and child training every year or so is
not enough! is theme needs to be regularly woven into
the preaching and teaching. (For more on this see the
chapter on e Church under the section “A church that
seeks to build strong families.”)
e following are principles of child discipline that are
emphasized in the Scripture.
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 Your Enemy
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may
devour” (1 Peter 5:8).
“Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to
stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not
against esh and blood, but against principalities, against
powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world,
against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore
take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be
able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to
stand” (Ephesians 6:11-13).
Mom and Dad, you have a erce, unseen enemy. e devil
wants to destroy your Christian home. He wants to ruin
your marriage and steal your children. If he can’t ruin, he
wants to weaken. He wants to use your home to attack the
church; he wants to use the church to attack the home!
He is persistent and will not give up. He is clever and will
attack from various angles. He will attack your weakness,
not your strength.
God has given you everything you need to have the victory
over this enemy, but the victory doesn’t come easily.
Victory requires being sober and vigilant (1 Pe. 5:8). “Sober”
is népho, soberminded, watchful, circumspect. It is
translated “watch” (2 Ti. 4:5; 1 Pe. 4:7). “Vigilant” is
gregoreúo, “to arise, arouse, watch, refrain from sleep.” It is
translated “watch” (Mt. 24:42; 26:41; Lu. 12:37; Ac. 20:31; 1
Co. 16:13; Col. 4:2; 1 . 5:6; Re. 3:2; 16:15) and “wake” (1
. 5:10). Sober and vigilant mean nearly the same thing,
both words being used to give emphasis to the importance
of this duty. Being sober and vigilant refers to “a
mindfulness of threatening dangers which, with conscious
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 Your Enemy 9

earnestness and an alert mind, keeps it from all drowsiness

and all slackening in the energy” (Complete Word Study
Dictionary). Being sober and vigilant is intimately associated
with prayer: “watch and pray” (Mt. 26:41; Mr. 13:33; 14:38;
Lu. 21:36; Eph. 6:19; Col. 4:2; 1 Pe. 4:7). Being sober and
vigilant is associated with a testing mindset, which is a major
doctrine of God’s Word. See Pr. 14:15; Acts 17:11; 2 Co. 10:5;
Php. 3:17; 4:8; 1 Ti. 5:21-22; Heb. 5:14; 1 Jo. 4:1; Re. 2:2. A
testing mindset requires a strong knowledge of Scripture.
e husband and wife must be serious Bible students.
Victory in the spiritual warfare requires putting on the
whole armor of God (Eph. 6:10-18). e battle is described
by the aorist imperative verbs and participles. (“put on ...
take unto you ... stand ... stand ... having ... having on ...
taking ... take”). “ e aorist imperative denotes a
command ... it is o en used ... for things that must be begun
at that very moment” (Complete Word Study Bible). is
denotes urgency, zeal, passion, energy. Half-hearted,
lukewarm Christianity will not win the battle.
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 God’s Promises
It is a fundamental, necessary thing that Christians learn
biblical child discipline. e succeeding generations are very
important to the cause of Christ. Children belong to God,
and they are given to parents to be fashioned as sharp
arrows and sent out into the world to engage in spiritual
warfare as pilgrims and ambassadors of Christ (Psa.
127:3-5). God intends parents to raise a godly seed. (“And
wherefore one? at he might seek a godly seed,” Mal. 2:15).
Both married and unmarried believers need to learn about
child discipline and training. It is better to learn about it
before marriage and enter into marriage informed and
forearmed than it is to try to learn it a er children have
arrived.
God has encouraged Christian parents that they can train
their children in such a way that they will continue in the
right path.
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he
is old, he will not depart from it” (Pr. 22:6).
I personally believe this is a promise, and I have seen large
numbers of parents who have had the joy of seeing their
children walk with Christ and raise future generations in
godliness.
At the very least, this proverb is a divine exhortation to
parents to give their very best e ort to this business.
Following are other similar promises from God’s Word:
“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou
beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. ou shalt
beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from
hell” (Pr. 23:13-14).
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 God’s Promises 11

is is an amazing promise. To think that parents can

discipline their children in such a way that they will be
saved and escape hell is a most incredible thought, and this
is exactly what this Proverb promises.
Of course, we know that salvation is an individual matter
and it is a supernatural thing. e new birth cannot be
inherited or caught, but godly discipline prepares the way
for salvation by teaching the child the holiness of God, the
seriousness of God’s Law, and the reality of his own sinful
nature, thus emphasizing to his heart his lost condition and
urgent need of a Saviour. is provides fertile soil on which
the Holy Spirit can work.
God has a special concern for the family. It is the rst
human institution that He created at the dawn of man’s
history, and He has always had a special interest in it.
Consider the promise of Psalm 127:
“Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the
fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the
hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with
the enemies in the gate” (Psalms 127:3-5).
is is a promise, but it becomes reality only when a father
and mother are committed to God’s Word, when the father
is the priest of his home and the mother is his devoted help
meet. Children do not become e ective instruments
(“arrows”) against the enemy just because they are born into
a Christian home and are brought to church; they become
that when they are raised properly by a father and mother
that are “mighty” in the spiritual sense and are devoted to
shaping and sharpening their children by the guidelines of
God’s Word.
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 e Roles of the Father and the
Mother
E ectual child discipline requires unity between the father
and the mother. ey have di erent roles in the home, but
they must work in harmony.
What we see in Scripture is a father and a mother who are
committed to obeying God in the home. ey are focused
on raising their children for the Lord. e father is focused
on his part, and the mother is focused on her part, but they
are in unity. ey don’t allow anything to hinder this. ey
are more concerned about the spiritual than the economic.
ey are willing to have less on the economic side in order
to advance the spiritual side. ey put the Lord rst and
trust Him to take care of them.
e father is the overseer.
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but
bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
1. e father is to “provoke not your children to wrath.”
God’s instruction to the fathers begins here. is command
is repeated in Col. 3:21 by way of emphasis. Mothers can
provoke their children to wrath, but this is especially
something that fathers tend to do by a misuse of their
authority. Fathers must be exceedingly careful in how they
exercise authority over their families, because they represent
Christ and will give account to Him. “It is the duty of
children to obey a parent; but it is the duty of a parent to
exhibit such a character, and to maintain such a
government, that it would be proper for the child to obey; to
command nothing that is unreasonable or improper, but to
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 13

train up his children in the ways of virtue and pure religion”

(Barnes).
“Provoke not” is present tense, indicating continual action,
and it is imperative mood, indicating a command.
is instruction was contrary to Rome’s law which gave
fathers absolute authority over their children. Called patria
potestas (“power of a father”), this law originally gave the
father authority to punish even by death. It “embraced
complete control over the limited personal and private
rights and duties of all members of the family.” God’s Word
corrects human culture. God’s people are to be pilgrims in a
foreign world, following the laws and ways of their heavenly
country.
Following are some of the ways that fathers can provoke
their children to wrath:
• by being unkind, uncompassionate, inconsiderate,
severe, harsh
• by being unreasonable, unfair
• by being heavy handed, punishing more severely than
the occasion deserves, “using a sledgehammer to drive
home a tack”
• by disciplining in haste or in anger
• by not explaining the rules properly
• by unannounced rules that are made known only a er
the child has broken them
• by being inconsistent in enforcing rules
• by having too many rules
• by not understanding the children and by having
unrealistic expectations
• by being distant
• by unremitting criticism
• by hypocrisy
• by neglect
• by not listening and communicating properly
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 14 Child Discipline

• by breaking one’s promises

• by comparing the children with others or comparing
one child with another
• by favoritism
• by insults
• by treating the children’s mother unkindly. It has been
said that one of the most important things that a man
can do for his children is to love his wife. When a man
loves his wife, the children see that marriage is a good
thing, something to be desired. ey respect their
father. ey see that obedience to God’s Word is
desirable.
ough children can be provoked to wrath by the abuse of
parental authority, they don’t have to be provoked to wrath
even in the face of abuse. ey can receive Jesus Christ as
Lord and Saviour, obtain new life in Him, and nd their
strength and help in Him in every situation. “Servants, be
subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good
and gentle, but also to the froward. For this is thankworthy,
if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, su ering
wrongfully. ... Wherefore let them that su er according to
the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in
well doing, as unto a faithful Creator” (1 Pe. 2:18-19; 4:19).
Children cannot use parental failure as an excuse to rebel
against God. God does not fail; man fails. Each young
person will give account to God, so he must put his eyes
upon God rather than upon man. “Let us hear the
conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his
commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God
shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret
thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil” (Ec.
12:13-14). “For we must all appear before the judgment seat
of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his
body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or
bad” (2 Co. 5:10).
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 15

2. e father is to “bring them up.”

“Bring them up” is extrépho, “to nourish, rear, feed, nurture,
bring up to maturity” (Complete Word Study Bible). It is
translated “nourish” in Eph. 5:29.
“Bring them up” is present tense, indicating continual
action, and it is imperative mood, indicating a command.
is is the father’s divinely-assigned job. Typically, the
mother will be more involved with training the children on
a day-by-day basis, but the father must be the head of this
business, the overseer, the superintendent. He is to be
engaged, not absent. He must say with Joshua, “But as for
me and my house, we will serve the LORD” (Jos. 24:15).
e father must not leave the spiritual training of the
children to someone else. He must be engaged,
superintending. He must have a hands-on role in this
important work, developing and maintaining a close
relationship with his wife, spending time with the children
to know them and to win their hearts, personally instructing
them in the Scriptures, communicating closely with the wife
about the children’s education, conducting family devotions,
answering the children’s questions, and many other such
things. He must not leave this entirely up to the wife or to
the church or to a Christian school.
Neglect of this responsibility by fathers is a major reason
why so many Christian families fail in raising godly
children. e wife has an essential role, but she cannot take
the place of the father. (When a father dies or leaves, the
Lord can give grace to overcome this de cit.) It is not that
the father is to do all of the teaching and disciplining of his
children; it is that he is to oversee all of the teaching and
training. He is not an absentee; he is actively involved.
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 16 Child Discipline

Terry Coomer observes, “[In Ephesians 6:4] the father is

addressed as the manager. In addressing the fathers, Paul is
addressing the one in whom God has vested his authority
for discipline. When Dad manages his household he does
not always need to administer discipline directly. He must
discipline the children largely through his wife. Yet in all,
the father must remain in control and be aware of what
happens. God holds him responsible” (Rearing Spiritual
Children, p. 61).
3. e father is to “bring them up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord.”
Nurture and admonition encompass all aspects of child
training: instruction, reproof, correction, chastening.
“Nurture” is paideía, “instruction and training by act and
discipline ... includes and implies chastening, correction”
(Complete Word Study Bible). It is translated “instruction in
righteousness” (2 Ti. 3:16) and “chastening” (Heb. 12:5, 7, 8,
11). “Admonition is nouthesía, exhortation, reproof,
warning. “Nouthesia is any word of encouragement or
reproof which leads to correct behavior.”
e nurture and admonition is to be “of the Lord.” (1) is
means that the child training is to be in accordance with
God’s Word. e parents are not to follow their own
thinking or the world’s thinking in training their children.
e Bible has everything necessary for God’s people to be
“throughly furnished unto all good works,” and the
immediate context is child training (2 Ti. 3:15-17). us the
father must know the Word of God, he must be skillful in
handling the Scripture; he must be well-grounded in
Scripture. He must be a serious Bible student. e better he
knows the Scripture, the better he can train his children and
lead his home. “ e best text-book of all remains the Bible,
especially the book of Proverbs. Wise parents know the
Bible, study its case histories of parents, and ponder its
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 17

stories of boys and girls” (John Phillips). (2) at the child

training is “of the Lord” means that it is to imitate the
Lord’s ways. e father is to rule the home as Christ would
rule it, to raise his children as Christ would raise them, with
loving kindness, compassion, rmness, and wise discipline.
e parents are the Lord’s representatives to raise the
children for Him and in a manner that pleases Him.
Children do not belong to parents; they belong to the Lord.
God says, “Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the
father, so also the soul of the son is mine” (Eze. 18:4). “Lo,
children are an heritage of the LORD” (Ps. 127:3). Malachi
stated that the purpose for marriage is “ at he [God] might
seek a godly seed” (Mal. 2:15). (3) at the child training is
“of the Lord” means that the child training is aimed to
bring the children to the Lord in salvation and surrender.
e children are to be taught the Scripture so that they can
be made “wise unto salvation through faith which is in
Christ Jesus” (2 Ti. 3:15).
Both nurture and admonition are necessary. ere must be
teaching, exhorting, warning, reproving, correcting, and
chastening. Modern psychology typically downplays the
necessity of the “negative” aspects of child training, but this
is because it is based on a humanistic concept of man’s
nature and rejects God’s Word.
God said of Abraham, “For I know him, that he will
command his children and his household a er him and they
shall keep the way of the Lord to do justice and judgment;
that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath
spoken of him” (Ge. 18:9). Abraham was commended by
God for giving commandments, not suggestions, to his
children.
We see that in God’s plan the home is the primary
educational institution of children. e church and the
home are to work together in this important business. It is
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 18 Child Discipline

not God’s will for Christian parents to give their children

over to be educated by unbelievers. A proper education can
never be divorced from the spiritual and moral and
doctrinal issues. ese are not to be tagged onto a secular
education as something di erent from it, and in addition to
it; they are to be woven into the very warp and woof of the
education.
Following is a description of how that Evangelist John R.
Rice brought up his daughters in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord: “‘ ough Dr. Rice was away from
home more than half the time on missions for the Lord,’
Mrs. Rice said, ‘he never le his child discipline to others.
He set the rules when he le ; checked up when he got back.
If things had begun to slide a bit in his absence, he took
things in hand and set them on the right road again. He was
determined that in the home of one evangelist, he would see
that the children turned out right; he was determined under
God to turn them out right.’ She continued, ‘I could wish for
every child a father like my children’s father. While he was
winning other children to the Lord, he did not neglect to
win his own; he trained them for the Lord’” (Viola Walden,
John R. Rice: e Captain of our Team).
e mother is the keeper of the home.
“ at they may teach the young women to be sober, to
love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet,
chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own
husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed”
(Titus 2:4-5).
“Keepers at home” is the Greek oikouros, which is a
combination of oikos (home) and ouros (a keeper). It means
“one who guards the house, one who stays at home,
domestically inclined.” “One who looks a er domestic
a airs with prudence and care” (Complete Word Study
Bible). 1 Timothy 5:14 says the wife/mother is to “guide the
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 19

house.” is is the Greek oikodespoteo, which is a

combination of oiko (house) and despotes (ruler). It is a
strong word, meaning master of the house, governor,
manager. is was the role that Joseph had under Potiphar.
“... he made him overseer over his house, and all that he had
he put into his hand” (Ge. 39:4). e wife governs the
household a airs under her husband’s authority and
oversight. is is the exalted biblical role of a wife. She is the
household governor. She orders it. She “looketh well to the
ways of her household” (Pr. 31:27).
e modern versions read “working at home” (ASV, ESV,
Vine, Wuest) from the critical Greek text (oikourgos, from
oikos - home and ergon - work). is is a much weaker
concept. e mother is not merely a worker at home; she is
the guardian of the home under the husband’s authority and
supervision!
What “keepers at home” means is that the chief
responsibility of the Christian wife and mother is her home,
and she must focus her attention on this and not do
anything that would cause her to neglect it. No one can take
the place of a wife and mother, and if she neglects her duty
toward the husband or children, God is disobeyed and harm
results.
e job of “keeper at home” is very large. e godly wife is
not just a maid and cook. She does everything she can to
make the home what God wants it to be. She concentrates
her attention on developing a sober, discreet mind by a
serious relationship with the Word of God and a testing
mindset. She develops and pursues chastity and goodness.
She studies how to love her husband and how to be obedient
to him, how to help him, how to encourage him. She studies
how to love her children, how to understand them, how to
discipline them, how to educate them, how to disciple them,
how to teach them to go in God’s will. She is a friend, a
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 20 Child Discipline

lover, a nurse, a chef, an organizer, an educator, a

disciplinarian, an evangelist, a discipler. She must be a Bible
student and a student of life. She must understand nutrition,
diet, and healthcare. She must know how to honor her
husband and how to reach the hearts of her children. She
must be the teacher of her children.
e home is a tremendously important institution. It is the
rst institution that God made when He brought Eve to
Adam and performed the rst marriage, as recorded in
Genesis 2. e home is for the purpose of raising up a godly
seed for God’s glory. e prophet Malachi described this.
“And did not he make one? ... And wherefore one? at he
might seek a godly seed...” (Mal. 2:15). e context is
marriage. e husband and wife are made one by God, and
when He gives them children, he is seeking a godly seed.
Children do not belong to parents. Both parents and
children belong to God. He says, “Behold, all souls are
mine...” (Eze. 18:4). And the parents are tasked with raising
the children to know God and to walk in His will.
is does not mean that the woman can do nothing outside
of the home. Comparing Scripture with Scripture, we know
that the virtuous woman does many things such as seeking
wool and ax (Pr. 31:13), bringing her food from afar (Pr.
31:14), buying a eld and planting a vineyard (Pr. 31:16),
and stretching out her hands to the poor (Pr. 31:20). But her
work outside of the home is done in the context of ful lling
her duties as a godly wife and mother and contributing to
the blessing of the household and does not cause her to
neglect such duties. In the book Woman and Her Service for
God, in the chapter “ e Virtuous Woman,” I describe my
own wife’s labor in privately buying and selling property in
the 1990s. She did that in the context of being a keeper of
the home, and it was a great blessing to our family.
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 21

I have heard many men say that a major reason why their
children turned out right for the Lord was marrying the
right woman and making the decision for her to be the
keeper of the home, and I can say the same thing. My wife
was a nurse before we were married, but she has not worked
as a nurse since then (though she has used her medical
training to great bene t). She has been free to devote herself
full-time to being a godly and e ective wife and mother, and
it has paid unspeakably rich dividends to her husband and
children. I am very happy that my daughter and daughters-
in-law are keepers at home for their young families.
Recently I heard of a medical doctor who le a lucrative
career to focus her attention more fully on her children. She
had an extremely well-paying job, but her husband was the
home keeper and she was the bread winner. A er some
time, they were convicted about this scenario and
determined to follow God’s Word rather than their previous
plans. ey relocated to a former church, which was a
stronger church, and she took a large cut in pay, working
only part time, so she could be a keeper at home. Now, the
husband is the main bread winner.
For the wife to be the keeper at home requires the husband’s
commitment. A niece wrote to me recently and said, “Elias
turned 1 on the 11th of last month and Ivan will be 3 on the
21st of this month. It is going by fast. We have such a short
time with our children to teach them truth. I'm so glad I’m
able to stay home with the boys and be fully present. Brian
[her husband] always wanted it that way.” Here she
pinpointed a fundamental key, which is the husband and
wife being in unity and the husband being fully supportive.
is young couple lives wisely and frugally on the income of
a deputy sheri , which is not very large, but they make all
necessary sacri ces for God and for their children. ey do
not go into debt. ey save their money to buy things like
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 22 Child Discipline

vehicles and shop for the best value. And God has blessed
them. ey own their own home and a late model vehicle.
Evangelist Billy Sunday and his wife, Nell, provide a sharp
warning on this subject. In 1908, they le their three boys
(age 15, 7, and 1) in the care of nannies and traveled
together on the evangelism trail. Nell was Billy’s campaign
and business manager. All of the Sunday boys turned out to
be drunkards with nine marriages between them. ey all
died before age 40: George of suicide a er being arrested for
drunkenness and auto the ; Billy Jr. in a drunken car crash;
Paul in an airplane crash. Yet Nell Sunday pushed for
women working during World War I. She said, “... at last, the
doors of the Doll House have been opened and women have
been invited to come into the great world outside.” But the
only Sunday child that turned out “right” was their rst
child, a daughter that Nell raised herself before venturing
out of the home.
Modern society does everything possible to get the mother
out of the home and to encourage parents to turn the
children over to babysitters and schools. It is the product of
feminism which began to blossom at the end of the 19th
century. Feminist philosophy is rebellion to God’s Word.
Feminism teaches that women should do whatever they
please rather than submit to fathers and husbands. It teaches
that women can do anything a man can do, downplaying,
even denying, the fundamental di erences between male
and female. It teaches that being keepers at home is
bondage, and women need to be liberated from such things.
Women working outside the home began with the Industrial
Revolution in England and America and increased during
World War I (1920s) and World War II (1940s). It is the
product of covetousness, the advertising age; you must have
everything and you must have it now. is is not the Bible
way, and the fruit has been terrible. It has been a major
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 The Roles of the Father and the Mother 23

contributor to the weakening of the home and the explosion

of divorce. It has le the children without direct parental
supervision.
Each family must make these decisions before the Lord.
Pastors are the teachers and overseers of the assembly, but a
pastor is not the head of the homes in the assembly. e
husband and father is sole head of the home under Christ,
and he must make these decisions in conjunction with his
wife; they are one esh (Eph. 5:31). e husband and wife
do not have the authority to ignore or disobey the Word of
God, but they have the authority to interpret the Word of
God and to apply it to their family situation (1 Jo. 2:27). In
some cases, for example, the children are in a church school
and mothers work in the school and church. In that type of
situation, the mothers are probably not neglecting their
children.
ere are extenuating circumstances that must be taken into
account in regard to women being keepers at home.
Sometimes the husband is unable to work, for example, and
the wife is called upon to become the “chief bread winner.”
We must exercise mercy and grace in such matters. ere
was room for this type of thing even under the strict law of
Moses. For example, though the sabbath was not to be
broken and no work was to be done under pain of death,
God allowed a man to li his ox out of the ditch on that day
(Lu. 14:5).
We would note that there is an association between “chaste”
and “keepers at home.” Countless homes have been broken
when women have become romantically involved with men
at work and le their husbands. “Dinah, when she went to
see the daughters of the land, lost her chastity. ... Not but
there are occasions, and will be, of going abroad; but a
gadding temper for merriment and company sake, to the
neglect of domestic a airs, or from uneasiness at being in
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 24 Child Discipline

her place, is the opposite evil intended, which is commonly

accompanied with, or draws a er it, other evils” (Matthew
Henry).
“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear
children, guide the house, give none occasion to the
adversary to speak reproachfully” (1 Timothy 5:14).
“Guide the house” is the Greek oikodespotéo, which is a
combination of oiko (house) and despótes (ruler). It is a
strong word, meaning master of the house, governor,
manager. “One who looks a er domestic a airs with
prudence and care” (Complete Word Study Bible). is was
the role that Joseph had under Potiphar. “... he made him
overseer over his house, and all that he had he put into his
hand” (Ge. 39:4).
e wife governs the household a airs under her husband’s
authority and oversight. is is the exalted biblical role of a
wife. She is the household governor. She orders it. She
focuses her attention on it. e work of a wife and mother is
very large and important.
We see this in the Proverbs 31 woman who “looketh well to
the ways of her household” (Pr. 31:27).
Conclusion
God’s plan for the home is simple and very beautiful. It
requires that the husband and the wife make Christ the King
of their home. He is not yet the King of this world in a
practical sense, but He can be the King of our individual
lives, our homes, and our churches.
God’s plan is that the father commit himself to be the
spiritual head of the home under Christ. He must take this
responsibility seriously. It must not be treated as a secondary
occupation. He must focus his attention on it. He must
study to perfect it. He must be a serious Bible student so he
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The Roles of the Father and the Mother 25

can lead his family. He must set out to develop the Christian
character, by God’s Spirit, that is essential for him to be the
husband and father that God wants him to be. He must not
allow anything to hinder this occupation. He must not
become so preoccupied with other things that he is not
available to his wife and children. He must make his
decisions (e.g., job, friends, hobbies, church) on the basis of
his duty as the spiritual head of the home and the
superintendent of his children’s training.
God’s plan requires that the mother commit herself to be
the keeper of the home. She must set out to develop the
Christian character described in Titus 2:4-5 (sober, love,
discreet, chaste, good, obedient) by the indwelling Holy
Spirit, so that she can be the wife and mother that God
wants her to be. She must focus her attention on the
business of the Christian home. She must not allow
anything or anyone to sidetrack her from this occupation.
 Understanding the Child’s Nature
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod
of correction shall drive it far from him” (Proverbs
22:15).
A sound child training philosophy begins with right
understanding of the child’s nature.
Modern child psychology begins with the idea that human
beings are basically good and seeks to develop that inherent
goodness and build “self esteem.”
According to the Bible, he has inherited a sinful nature from
Adam that is naturally bent toward foolishness rather than
wisdom.
“Foolishness” is the Hebrew iwwelet, which refers to sin. “O
God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid
from thee” (Ps. 69:5). e child has a sinful nature that
naturally disobeys authority and goes in the way of
foolishness rather than wisdom. is refers to the fallen
nature that we inherit from Adam. See also Ps. 58:3; Isa.
64:6; Jer. 17:9; Ro. 3:10-18, 23.
Note that foolishness is “bound in the heart.” It is not
something that can be easily removed. It is not something
that the child will grow out of on his own.
e Bible begins with the principle that human beings are
fallen by nature and seeks to bring them to regeneration by
the tools of conviction and repentance and faith through the
instrumentality of the law of God and the gospel of Jesus
Christ. “And that from a child thou hast known the holy
scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation
through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (2 Ti. 3:15).
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 Obedience and Respect for Authority
e rst objective of godly child discipline is to teach the
child obedience and respect for authority so that he will
submit to God. e child must be taught that God is a holy,
law-giving God who must be obeyed and that disobedience
brings punishment. is prepares the child to understand
God’s character and the reality of the moral universe and it
instructs him in the foundational principles of salvation.
Since the child cannot see God, he must be taught to respect
divine authority through learning to respect parental
authority.
e rst test of e ective child discipline is simple: Does
the child obey? Does he obey quickly, the rst time he is
told? Does he obey fully? Does he obey without threats?
Does he obey without enticement (the o er of a reward)?
Does he obey with a good attitude? If he is properly
disciplined, he will obey like this. Every child can learn to
obey like this. If he does not obey like this, he is not
properly disciplined. Poor child discipline cannot be hidden.
It is evident before everyone. Wherever your child goes, he
demonstrates whether or not he has been biblically
disciplined.
Bob Nichols, missionary to Brazil, says,
“ e rst thing you need to do is establish your authority
in the lives of your children. If you never establish
authority, they’ll never respect you. Too o en I’ve seen
parents asking their children if they want to do this or
that. But when they are young, you don’t ask them, you
tell them. ey need to learn to obey authority. Too o en
parents don’t establish their authority in the lives of their
children, and that is very tragic. Once you establish that,
then you have to be sure to give clear commands to your
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 28 Child Discipline

children, that they understand what you are requiring,

and if the command is given they need to carry it out. If
not, that is direct disobedience.”
Pastor Gene Haymaker observes that the high percentage of
young people who leave church is partly caused by parents
“refusal to restrain.” He says,
“Proverbs teaches us that foolishness is to be driven from
our children through correction, but this is something
that I believe is missing in many homes. Boundaries,
standards, and even consequences have been abandoned
in a belief that children inherently want to do right. It is
sad when parents prefer to be their children’s friends
rather than embracing their God-given role of parenting,
and when they leave their children to themselves even
though the Scriptures teach that a child le to himself
brings shame. e refusal to restrain our children is not
love, but rather evidence that we do not love them as we
ought. According to the Scripture, a father who loves his
son chastens him (Heb. 12:6).”
Pastor David Sorenson gives the following counsel,
e rst major, absolute rule that I would suggest for
your family is to demand obedience. Few things in family
life are more fundamental than teaching children to obey.
We positively, absolutely, always expected our children to
obey when they were given clear instructions (Ephesians
6:1). ...
If children are consistently disobedient, it means that the
parents, at some point, have not trained them to be
obedient. ... We positively demanded that our children
obey us. If they did not obey, there were immediate and
consistent consequences. Every time. Every single time!
Obedience is critically important. Not only is obedience
important to maintain order in a child’s life, but it also
has a profound spiritual implication. ... when children
become accustomed to disobeying their parents and
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 Obedience and Respect for Authority 29

getting away with it, they are likely to adopt the same
attitude toward doing God’s will. ...
Parents, you will do your children a great spiritual favor
by insisting on obedience. You are establishing a
precedent in their lives for them to obey God as they
mature and become independent. ...
Insisting on obedience is a basic way of training a child to
subordinate his or her old nature to standards of right. ...
In our home, when one of the children was directly and
overtly disobedient, it was dealt with immediately. ere
were no ifs, ands, or buts. ... ere was no debate. ... If
one of the children was punished for having been
disobedient, we always made very sure that she
understood her punishment was because she
disobeyed....
Our children need to learn that every single time they
violate a household rule, there will be a predictable and
unpleasant experience. Children seem to think that if
they whittle away at their parents long enough, the
parents will wear down and then give in. Consistently
enforce your rules (Training Your Children to Turn out
Right, pp. 62-64, 71).
Parents must use every opportunity to teach their
children obedience, and the training and discipline must
be consistent. If it is inconsistent, o and on, it will not
work and, in fact, could do more harm than good.
For example, I have seen many parents tell their child to do
something and then back down and do it themselves when
the child refuses. I recall a father who was watching his son
playing outside. When the child took some bean husks and
threw them into a play sandbox, the father told him to get
the husks and put them into a trash bag nearby. e son
ignored him. e father told him again and again was
ignored. e child looked at him but didn’t move. Finally,
the father got up and did it himself and let the child get
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 30 Child Discipline

away with open disobedience. e child should have been

spanked the very rst time he refused to obey and spanked
su ciently so that he was forced to obey and was le with a
bad taste for disobedience. at process is not as easy as
getting up and doing the thing yourself, but it is godly child
training and will bear good fruit in time. Ignoring
disobedience, even some of the time, will also bear fruit in
time, but it will not be good fruit.
Children must be taught to be respectful of authority
gures other than parents, whether grandparents, teachers,
pastors, police, or even adults in general. If children do not
learn to respect human authority, they certainly won’t
respect God’s authority. e Lord has ordained a chain of
authority in this world, and godly morality has a lot to do
with submission to that authority. Respect to God demands
respect to the authority that God has ordained (1
Corinthians 11:3). Submission to authority is greatly
emphasized in the New Testament epistles.
“Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For
there is no power but of God: the powers that be are
ordained of God” (Romans 13:1).
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as
unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:21-22).
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; (which is the rst
commandment with promise;) at it may be well with
thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Ephesians
6:1-3).
“And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which
labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and
admonish you; And to esteem them very highly in love
for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves”
(1 essalonians 5:12-13).
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 Obedience and Respect for Authority 31

“Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the

younger men as brethren; e elder women as mothers;
the younger as sisters, with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2).
“Let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double
honour, especially they who labour in the word and
doctrine” (1 Timothy 5:17).
“Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and
powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good
work” (Titus 3:1).
“Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit
yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that
must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not
with grief: for that is unpro table for you” (Hebrews
13:17).
“Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the
Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or
unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the
punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that
do well” (1 Peter 2:13-14).
“Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God.
Honour the king” (1 Peter 2:17).
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own
husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may
without the word be won by the conversation of the
wives” (1 Peter 3:1).
Children need to be taught to do things that exhibit
respect for authority.
ey need to be taught to speak respectfully to adults. e
“old-fashioned” custom of teaching children to learn to say
“yes sir” and “no sir” to their elders was designed to educate
them to respect authority. Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“I’ve always insisted on my kids saying, ‘Yes sir’ and ‘no sir.’ I
know that’s not real popular, but it shows respect and kids
need to do that.” At the very least the children should be
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 32 Child Discipline

taught to use respectful language with adults instead of

slang.
Children need to be taught to answer adults when they are
addressed. Many children are shy, it is true, but they also
like to play silly games and they must be taught to come out
of their comfort zone and show respect to authority and not
be allowed to follow their natural tendencies. As I travel on
preaching and research trips in many parts of the world and
have preached in over 500 churches, I have o en asked a
child his name or some other question and the child has
refused to answer. Many parents excuse this behavior
instead of training the child properly.
Children need to be taught not to interrupt adults when
they are talking.
ey need to be taught to greet adults when they come into
their presence, instead of ignoring them and continuing
with their own business. e latter is an act of disrespect.
is is especially true if the adult is an authority gure, such
as a grandparent or a teacher.
Younger children even need to be taught to respect the older
children. Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“We always taught the younger ones to obey the older
ones. A lot of times the younger don’t want to listen to
the older, but God put us in the order in which we are
born into the families with a design and purpose. So they
have to understand that.”
None of these things come “naturally.” Naturally, the child
follows the way of his fallen heart, which is sel sh,
insubordinate, and disrespectful.
Teaching obedience and respect for authority is a major part
of child discipline.
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 Making Much of God’s Word
It is the Word of God that has the power to sanctify us and
build us up in Christ. It imparts conviction, enlightenment,
spiritual strength, faith, wisdom, and repentance. It has
converting power and sanctifying power. Consider the
following Scriptures:
“And these words, which I command thee this day, shall
be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently
unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou
sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way,
and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And
thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and
they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou
shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy
gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
“ is book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth;
but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou
mayest observe to do according to all that is written
therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous,
and then thou shalt have good success” (Joshua 1:8).
“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the
ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in
the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the
LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water,
that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also
shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper”
(Psalms 1:1-3).
“Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by
taking heed thereto according to thy word” (Psalms
119:9).
“ y word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my
path” (Psalms 119:105).
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 34 Child Discipline

“And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the

word of his grace, which is able to build you up, and to
give you an inheritance among all them which are
sancti ed” (Acts 20:32).
“So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the
word of God” (Romans 10:17).
“And that from a child thou hast known the holy
scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto
salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All
scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is pro table
for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in
righteousness: at the man of God may be perfect,
throughly furnished unto all good works” (2 Timothy
3:15-17).
“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper
than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing
asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow,
and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the
heart” (Hebrews 4:12)
“As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word,
that ye may grow thereby” (1 Peter 2:2).
“We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto
ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth
in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise
in your hearts” (2 Peter 1:19)
Wise Christian parents will ll their homes with the
Scripture, teaching it to the children, memorizing it
together, discussing it.
David Sorenson writes,
If there is a basic truth that is universal in training
children to be godly, it is the necessity of building a
foundation of the Word of God in their lives. is is true
for any born-again Christian and that includes the
children of God’s people. I fear that Christian parents
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 Making Much of God’s Word 35

come to rely on Christian media, Sunday School teachers,

church youth programs, and Christian schools to see
their youth turn out right. All of these are potentially
good and can be a great help; however, the foundation for
godly living is o en missing in the lives of the children
and youth of God’s people. at foundation is a daily
absorption of the Word of God.
A young person from a Christian home can go to a
Christian school or be home-schooled with a godly
curriculum, be faithful to Sunday School and church
programs, go to church camp, and be carnal, rebellious,
and worldly. Or more frequently, they are just lukewarm
and go with the ow, but there are not true spiritual
convictions in their hearts. e reason is as simple as it is
singular. ey are not in the Word of God on a daily
basis.
It makes little di erence if one is a young person or a
seasoned adult. Apart from daily consumption of the
Word of God, any believer will be carnal and more
worldly than godly. God said to Joshua, millennia ago,
‘ is book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth;
but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou
mayest observe to do according to all that is written
therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous,
and then thou shalt have good success’ (Joshua 1:8). at
premise and promise has never been abrogated. When a
young person, or anyone for that matter, saturates his
mind with the Word of God so that it soaks down into
his heart, it will modify his behavior. It will impact his
heart and mind.
at is why the Psalmist wrote long ago, ‘ y word have I
hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against
thee’ (Psalm 119:11). e idea here is not so much rote
memorization of Scripture as it is lling one’s mind with
God’s Word to such a degree that it soaks down into the
heart. When that has happened, we will not sin against
God. e will has been changed.
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 36 Child Discipline

As a pastor, I watch children from Christian homes who

are in Christian schools or are home schooled. eir
parents make sure they are at every service and youth
function of the church. And yet, these same kids are
rebellious, carnal, and have a worldly attitude. Why?
Because they are not in the Word in a meaningful way.
It’s as simple as that (Sorenson, “Seven Principles in
Training Godly Children”).
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“One of the things that we did was concentrate on
teaching the children the Word of God and Bible
memorization.”
A respondent to our questionnaire wrote,
“We are a Navy family so we have had the privilege to be
members of several churches. At every one, the children’s
teachers were shocked by my children’s knowledge of the
Bible. We home school and the Lord has inspired me to
create a Bible curriculum to give regular daily instruction
in the Scriptures. e kids love it!”

An E ective Family Altar

e daily family altar is very important. It is a time when the
family can meet regularly and consistently to worship God
and study His Word. It is a time to read the Bible and
discuss it. It is a time to memorize Scripture. It is a time to
pray together.
Pastor Gene Haymaker says,
“ e day of family altars is disappearing as quickly as our
youth. Families have relegated the teaching of biblical
truth to their church and to their Christian schools. It is
my belief that the number of homes having a family altar,
where the entire family is involved, would directly
correspond to the percentage of young people leaving the
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 Making Much of God’s Word 37

church. e primary agency for teaching children biblical

truth is the home.”
Dave Sorenson gives this following advice for family altars,
Every family’s schedule will be di erent, but we found
doing so at the breakfast table to work well. Let us
consider several pointers for establishing simple, but
ongoing family devotions.
HAVE A PURPOSE. Over the years we focused on
primarily two areas in our family devotions. One was to
explain the matter of salvation to our children. ey
needed to understand the need for it, what Christ did for
us on the cross, and the way to be saved. When our
children were young and before they were saved, we o en
focused our daily devotions on this crucial topic. e
other major matter we focused on was Christian and
godly character. Because the practice of righteousness is
at the heart of Christian character, all throughout their
formative years, we repeatedly discussed the principle of
righteousness, the practice thereof, and verses which
illustrated these.
HAVE A PLAN. One route to success for a family
devotion time is having a simple operational plan which
does not require a great deal of preparation. One method
we have used over the years, particularly in teaching
godliness and righteousness, is to take one chapter of
Proverbs a day according to the days of the month. For
example, if the day of the month is the 29th, I would go
to Proverbs 29. ere I would seek out a verse or two
which stood out and go over it very brie y. Once we had
gone through Proverbs, we might then go to Psalms and
look for an appropriate verse in a three chapter sequence.
For example, if the day of the month was the 15th, I
might peruse Psalm 45-47 for a verse to dwell upon.
( ere are 150 Psalms and seeking a good verse over
three chapters was simple and always worked.) Of course,
we might go elsewhere to deal with speci c problems.
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 38 Child Discipline

Having a well-marked Bible wherein verses which have

blessed us or otherwise stood out were underlined made
it very easy to conduct family devotions this way. at
underlining was done during personal Bible reading
times. We then had a season of prayer wherein various
members of the family took turns praying.
KEEP IT SIMPLE. One of the great hindrances to family
devotions is that most people do not have a long-term
method of sustaining a day-a er-day and year-a er-year
devotional plan. e plan mentioned above is simple and
eminently Scriptural. It is virtually inexhaustible. Most
parents are very busy with the a airs of life and don’t
have time to prepare extensive family devotions. Pre-
planned devotional guides cost money and usually run
out a er a month or two. However you do it, have a
simple plan of teaching your children the things of God.
God has given that charge to the parents in general and
to the father in particular (Sorenson, Training Your
Children to Turn Out Right).
Pastor Ken Shaver describes his family’s devotions as
follows,
“In the Shaver family, devotions consist of a moment of
Scripture memorization, a time of singing, a time of Bible
reading (sometimes we also read a Christian biography
or story like Pilgrim’s Progress), and a short period of
prayer. We always have tried to include all the family,
maybe one reading, one picking out a song, one praying,
and everyone quoting Scripture. We also do not try to
make it an in depth Bible Study, although as our children
grew older, we would spend a few weeks on issues like
modesty, biblical principles for entertainment, and other
relevant things. Additionally, we would work very hard at
keeping it light, and upbeat. In our home, we just tried to
take a few minutes to focus on the things of God and, as I
mentioned earlier, draw closer together. ere are many
good family devotion books available, but most of the
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 Making Much of God’s Word 39

time we would just take a di erent chapter of the Bible

and take turns reading it.”
e Eric Taylor family -
e Lord placed a burden for more prayer in our family
several years ago. Prayer has given us a Pilgrim mindset
and helped us have a Biblical perspective in our daily
lives. How thankful we are that our Lord desires to have
such a personal relationship with us. My family has a
nightly family prayer time. Each family member shares a
personal prayer request for each day. O en, we share it
through a family-wide texting group during the day, but
we also sometimes wait to share it with the family at
night. On Fridays we each provide a personal Praise….we
call it Praise Friday. Our prayer time starts by coming
together and one family member giving a devotional
about what they are reading and studying from the Bible
from their personal Bible reading time. Each family
member has a speci c night that they are responsible for,
so they can be prepared. e same person picks a Psalter
for us all to sing out of our Isaac Watts Psalter. We then,
share each of our prayer requests. O en, we discuss some
of them in more detail. en we pray silently together
for 16 minutes for each other’s requests. Next, we pray
silently for 5 minutes for a speci c ongoing “family-
related request” which changes as needs arise. During
these 5 minutes we also pray for our country and Israel.
Our family also prays individually for a speci c block of
time during the day. We each do this a little di erently.
Our times range from 20 minutes to over 30 minutes.
Several of us have speci c prayer lists that are updated
o en but prayed over each day. We also pray for our
children’s future spouses and their ministries.
One of our sons has recently started fasting one day a
week for a speci c burden that the Lord has placed on his
heart.
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rough the years our times have increased, and we have

added di erent ideas such as our Psalter singing. We
have really seen our family grow spiritually and have
made life-changing decisions through the leading of the
Lord. Our family plans to continue this sharing of prayer
requests and prayer time even a er they each leave our
house and start their own families.
We are very thankful for our prayer times. ey are
precious to us, and we desire to continue to grow in this
commitment.
Pastor Bobby Mitchell, Jr. -
Our family devotions are usually at the dinner table
following the eating. I start with the youngest and we
each give thanks to the Lord for some thing. We work on
the passage that our church is memorizing. I o en teach
through that passage over a period of several days or a
few weeks. If not teaching through a passage we are
memorizing, I am teaching through a book. I have taught
Matthew through Colossians to them. I am currently
teaching them through second Peter.
I like to read the verse or verses and ask what they think
the Bible is saying there. It makes them think. It reveals a
lot of their understanding or lack thereof.
We share prayer requests and I lead in prayer. Sometimes
I have one or two others pray out loud too. I’ve found it
best to not have a long meeting. Some men have what
amounts to another church service for family devotions.
I intentionally don’t allow myself to say too much. We all
have private devotions too, of course. e Lord seems to
be blessing all of this. I’m thankful.
Pastor Chris Starr -
ank you for your burden to write on the Keeping the
Kids. Below are a few things that may be helpful. I by no
means am an expert. Yet, I believe God led me on many
fronts in those times we had.
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Making Much of God’s Word 41

On one occasion we dealt with how to handle a situation

where a friend tries to swear you to secrecy and the next
day it happened and two of my kids said, Dad, you won't
believe what happened. We had to put into practice what
you taught us last night. God reminded me of the great
value of time with God as a family.
Our family devotions over the years has included
• Training focuses (over 100 of them)
• Reading and discussing a chapter of Proverbs
• Learning how to study the Bible in di erent ways
• Acting out Bible stories when they were younger
• Practicing good manners
• Reading books together when they were teens
• Teaching series like What If they Say - Defending your
beliefs and standards with others
• Writing and praying for missionaries
• Memorizing chapter themes and portions of Scripture
• Singing
• Creating scenarios that they may face and how to react
Biblically
• Times of tightening things up
• Addressing problems
• Dealing with sloppy speech
• Teaching when to use the church altar
• Times where we go around and let each one compliment
another for something they appreciate about them
• Teaching and talking through how courtship works
• Developing your own guardrails and safeguards.
• Being responsible
Prayer times consisted of praying for church needs,
missionaries, tender hearts for all of us, family needs,
extended family members, lost neighbors.
We have seen three lost neighbors come to Christ, the
most recent being a drunk who lives across the street. All
of whom we prayed for!
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 42 Child Discipline

ese are just a few things we have implemented over the

years.
Pastor Simeon Western -
1. Aim for something that is realistic and doable on a day
to day basis timewise rather than aiming for something
idealistic which may lead to discouragement and
ultimately giving up when it is not attained. I have said
for some time now that it is better to do a little each day
and maintain it in the long term than to be hit and miss.
Training children is a day a er day, week a er week and
year a er year exercise. Home schooling presents the
opportunity for constant training and discipleship of our
children so the devotions, while important, are only one
facet of the overall picture. Even if the devotional times
are brief but done consistently, over time there is a
cumulative bene t. I am not at all suggesting we
shouldn't aim to have quality devotions as families and
give the time to it that it deserves. Some days the
devotion time will be longer and other times it will need
to be shorter, depending on the family schedule and what
is happening. Flexibility is important but the critical
thing is to MAINTAIN devotions each day as
consistently as possible. Obviously on a Sunday devotions
are not o en possible due to being at church for morning
and evening services but other than that, devotions can
be done the other days of the week.
2. Try to be creative and use a variety of devotional
resources. is helps to keep the children's interest. It
also can help cater to the di erent ages of the children.
For example:
- Read straight out of the Bible. We have read whole
Books together this way. is should be the primary
method. I have always tried to encourage the children to
ask as many questions as they desire, even if some of the
questions can be childish at times. is is because I don't
want our children to just put their minds in neutral when
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 Making Much of God’s Word 43

it comes time for Bible reading. I want them engaged and

interested. We have o en been surprised at the insightful
and interesting questions children ask! Sometimes they
require real thought on the part of the parent to answer. I
will also o en take the initiative to explain the meaning
of a word or make brief comments as I read.
- Read Bible story books with visuals. is is great for the
younger children and o en helps them be more engaged.
Our favourite Bible story book so far is called 101
Favourite Stories from the Bible by Ura Miller. It is one of
the rare Bible story books that has Jesus with short hair.
Apart from a few places, we have found it is pretty
accurate to the Scriptures. It also contains a verse for
parents at the end and several review questions. e
children love answering the questions and they listen
carefully when they know questions will be asked at the
end. We have even done small rewards (e.g., a small
chocolate) at the end if they can answer the questions. I
will o en add questions of my own.
- Read other devotional books with short stories and
Bible applications. We enjoyed the two volumes entitled
From Grandpa with Love available from Bible Truth
Publishers. ey contain short stories from the farm with
Gospel applications.
- e Daily Light (KJV). is contains a daily reading of
Scripture under a certain theme. Sometimes we use this if
we are pressed for time.
3. Aim for devotions both morning and evening.
- Morning Devotions: In our case, my wife usually does
the morning devotion with the children before they start
their schooling for the day. Also, I am usually gone for
the day by then to the o ce for study so it works best for
my wife to do it. A major emphasis of our morning
devotions is Scripture memory with the children. Our
children have learned multiple chapters of the Bible
during these morning devotional times. One of the best
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resources we came across as a family about 7-8 years ago

was a DVD called Scripture Talk. In this DVD, they put
hand actions to memory verses and teach the children
whole passages of Scripture that way. Children love doing
actions to things. is resource has had a huge impact on
our family in the area of Scripture memorization. Not
only did our children watch the DVD repeatedly and
learn the passages of Scripture on the DVD, we took the
idea and started learning our own chapters of the Bible,
making up our own hand actions as we go. e children
LOVE suggesting di erent hand actions for the verses
which makes it a fun, creative and enjoyable exercise. My
wife also has a prize box with small items in it and when
they complete a certain number of verses and can recite
them on their own, they get to choose something from
the prize box. To us, there is no greater investment than
having our children memorize the Word of God at a
young age so we are more than happy to give them small
rewards to encourage them along the way. We have been
amazed how even the youngest members of the family
(e.g., age 3-4 years) also learn the verses! e minds of
young children are like sponges that soak in information
and that period of their lives presents a unique
opportunity to ll their hearts and minds with God's
truth. [ is DVD might be available through Amazon.]
- Evening devotions. I usually lead this one at the end of
the day a er the evening meal. is is usually when we
do our readings as per the list above. Sometimes the
children will recite their memory verses to me at this
time also. It is important that the father, as head of the
home, leads at least one of the devotions for the day.
More Tips for Fruitful Family Prayers
- As a minimum, the father needs to lead the family in
prayer at the end of family devotions. Sometimes there
will only be time for the father to pray, depending on
how the day has worked out. is is especially true in a
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 Making Much of God’s Word 45

pastor's home where ministry sometimes brings

variations into the daily routine.
- O en we pray around the table and encourage even the
youngest members of the family to pray. Even if they
aren't saved yet, we want to cultivate prayer as a pattern
and habit of life in their hearts and minds.
- One tool we have found that has really helped us with
family prayers is a prayer box. e children love it!
Basically it is comprised of a cardboard box with a square
hole in the top. My wife made ours with the children,
including decorating the outside with a nice paper. We
then write prayer points/needs on small cards and put
them in the box. Prayer needs include family members,
church folk, missionaries as well as other speci c needs.
At family prayer time at the end of family devotions, one
of the children takes the box around the table and each
child draws out 2-3 cards ( ey love volunteering to be
the box carrier!!!). We then pray around the table with
each member of the family praying through his/her
prayer cards. We have found this helps keep the family
prayer time fresh. Otherwise children tend to end up
praying for the same things each day (e.g., bless my teddy,
mummy and daddy!). Again, variation and creativity are
important and help maintain the children's interest. It
also teaches the children that God answers prayers as
cards with speci c needs get supplied. For example, about
5 years ago we wrote a prayer card that God would
provide us with our own home. We prayed about this as a
family for some time and the Lord provided. We were
able to rejoice as a family that God had answered that
prayer card!
Pastor Nathan Searle -
I certainly see family devotions as a very crucial
component to any spiritual success of our family. It is one
of the key recommendations that I make to our church
and school families who are desiring to honour the Lord
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46 Child Discipline

and train up godly children. I encourage our school

students to be ever so thankful if the Lord has placed
them in a family where there is a faithful family altar and
to do all they can to encourage their parents in that
endeavour.
Our devotions consist of time in the Word, family prayer
and hymn singing. I either use a suitable book as our
focus on the Word or we read through some Scripture.
We are currently working through e Teenage Years of
Christ by Pastor Jerry Ross which has been a great
challenge. I ask the Lord to help me make our family
devotion time alive, helpful, reverent and honouring to
the Lord. Our time together commences as we brie y ask
the Lord to speak to our hearts and prepare us for what
He has for us to learn from Him. We begin our time in
the Word by brie y reviewing where we have been in the
section that we are studying which I nd also helps us all
to remember what the Lord has been speaking to us
about over the previous days. I seek to engage the
children and ask questions as we go along to help them
remain engaged and also remember what they have
learned. Our devotion times become quite extended
sometimes when they start asking further questions
around the theme of whatever we are studying. ese are
times that I really cherish as we are able to discuss issues
and questions that are on their heart giving me
opportunity to point them to the Scriptures for the
answers. Our prayer time consists of discussing points of
prayer to petition, thank and praise the Lord. We have a
copy of our midweek church meeting prayer points
which we also refer to. Each child prays and I nish o at
the end. Our devotion time concludes with the singing of
three hymns which are chosen by anyone in the family.
Although there are a few of us that play piano, we sing
acapella, as it enables all of us to sing and the children
sing harmony. Our devotion time usually goes for about
45min.
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 Making Much of God’s Word 47

I asked my children if they would like to write something

about how they view our family devotion time together,
and they have replied as follows:

Maryanne (7)
I look forward to devotions because I want to learn about
the Lord. I love what we do in our devotions. I love how
we sing together.

Simeon (12)
Family devotions, it’s a time that we as a family spend
each night in the Word and with each other (excluding
Sundays and Tuesdays because we have church or prayer
meeting on those days). I think family devotions is a
great blessing to our family and a real reminder to us of
how good, mighty, loving, and real our God is. Family
devotions for me is a great encouragement and a tool that
God can use if I (and any of the rest of the family) am
downhearted, scared, or tempted. I am thankful that my
dad takes time o his busy schedule and reads us the
Bible, prays, and sings with us each night.

Isaiah (15)
Every night I look forward to our family devotions. I
really value being able to spend time with my family in
praying, singing, and reading the Bible. I enjoy hearing
my dad expand on God’s Word which is very helpful as
he brings the scripture to life and makes it more relatable
to everyday life. I have learned in devotions how
important it is to have integrity and always tell the truth.
is study has helped me to overcome many temptations
in my life and live a more successful life.

Jadyn (17)
We have devotions most nights of the week and I believe
that it is one of the most important parts of the day,
second only to our own personal devotion time. Having a
regular family devotion time is the secret to a godly
family in my opinion. I believe that one of the most
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 48 Child Discipline

important aspects of family devotions is that it is

interactive – questions asked, feedback given, and regular
discussion time. I nd that it is easy for devotions to just
become mundane and repetitive and if that is the case it
loses its purpose. I also really enjoy singing together as a
family every night. Not only does it glorify God and
bring praise to his name, but it is also very good for
improving your singing ability and keeping your vocal
cords active. Overall, family devotions time is one of the
best times of the day and is imperative in the creating and
nurturing of a Godly family.
Missionary Bob Nichols says “I try to lead my family to
memorize 14 verses a month. We’ll go over the verses as a
family, and what a tremendous help that’s been.”
ere are many things beyond Bible study and
memorization that can be done during family devotions
when time permits. e family can read biographies
together and discuss them. ey can read material
pertaining to creation science. e book A Closer Look at
the Evidence by Richard and Tina Kleiss contains 365
interesting brief studies on fascinating facts of life that
support creation. It is available in a KJV edition from Bethel
Baptist Bookstore at https://bethelbaptist.ca/bookstore/
Nothing, of course, should take the place of studying the
Bible itself.
Training children to have a private daily devotional
“... from a child thou hast known the holy Scriptures” (2
Timothy 3:15).
One of the most important things that parents can do for
their children it to help them develop a habit of daily Bible
study. ough I grew up in church, I do not remember any
instruction or challenge whatsoever about this.
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 Making Much of God’s Word 49

It is by the Word of God that the young person can cleanse

his way in this wicked world (Psalm 119:9). It must get
down into the heart and soul and thus permeate the
individual’s life, and this will not happen unless reading,
study, memorization, and meditation become a daily
practice.
We know that reading the Bible alone will not produce
salvation and sancti cation; it must be received and obeyed.
But we also know that salvation and sancti cation will not
happen apart from the Word of God, because “faith cometh
by hearing, and hearing by the word of God” (Romans
10:17).
It is never vain to put the Word of God into the child’s heart.
Even though I wasn’t saved when I was young and didn’t
take the Bible seriously, the teaching and preaching had a
deep e ect on me and a er I was converted at age 23, much
of it came back to me and I had a good head start in my
Christian life.
Again we quote from Pastor David Sorenson,
e foundation for godly living is o en missing in the
lives of the children and youth of God’s people. at
foundation is a daily absorption of the Word of God. A
young person from a Christian home can go to a
Christian school or be home-schooled with a godly
curriculum, be faithful to Sunday School and church
programs, go to church camp, and be carnal, rebellious,
and worldly. Or more frequently, they are just lukewarm
and go with the ow, but there is not true spiritual
conviction in their hearts. e reason is as simple as it is
singular. ey are not in the Word of God on a daily
basis. Following are some suggestions on how to correct
this:
1. Start early. When our children were small, we had
them read from the Bible as soon as they could barely
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 50 Child Discipline

read. It was short, but they started late in their

kindergarten year.
2. Plan their reading. e Bible is a complex book, even
for adults. When our children were small, we had them
read in I John because of its simple vocabulary and
syntax. At rst, we had them read just a verse or two a
day. As they progressed through grade school, the daily
reading assignment grew to a chapter a day and by the
time they were in junior high school, we had our girls
reading four chapters a day. at is the basic amount to
read the Bible through in a year. But the greater point is
that we planned their reading for them.
3. Provide positive incentives. When our girls were small,
we prepared a chart which was on the refrigerator and as
they did their requisite daily Bible reading, they received
a star on their chart each day. When they had faithfully
lled their chart for several weeks or a month, we
planned a special reward for them.
4. Enforce the policy. We made sure that our girls did
their daily Bible reading as assigned. A refrain o heard
at the breakfast table was ‘Did you do your Bible reading
this morning?’ ough they eventually grew out of the
charts and stars on the refrigerator, we still checked up on
them throughout their adolescent years.
5. Just do it because it is right. As the girls grew out of the
stage where they needed little incentives, we shi ed to
the philosophy of doing your Bible reading just because it
was right. As we developed the principle of righteousness
in the meantime, it was easy to mesh the practice of daily
Bible reading with the principle of righteousness. Indeed
it is right to be in God’s Word each day (Training Your
Children to Turn out Right).
Pastor Mario Schiavoni says that he and his wife started
their kids out by having them spend time meditating on a
Bible picture book even before they could read. ey have
taught their children to have their devotionals rst thing
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 Making Much of God’s Word 51

a er they wake up. He says, “It is quiet around the house

rst thing in the morning because everyone is having their
devotionals.”
Way of Life Literature publishes many Bible courses that can
be used in the family, particularly those with teenage
children. ese include e E ectual Bible Student, Bird’s Eye
View of the Bible, Introduction to Bible Geography, Knowing
God’s Will, Bible Prophecy as Light on the 21st Century,
Highlights in Church History (scheduled for late 2022),
Mastering the English Bible: Genesis to the Silent Years
(scheduled for late 2022), One Year Discipleship Course,
E ectual Prayer in Perilous Times, Seeker’s Bible Study,
Spiritual Safety in the Facebook Age, e Satanic Attack on
Sacred Music, Woman and Her Service to God, and
Unshakeable Faith.
See https://www.wayo ife.org/publications/courses/
How to Interpret and Study the Bible
I would add that at an appropriate point the young people
need to be taught how to use basic Bible study tools (e.g.,
concordance, Bible dictionary, Bible atlas, commentaries)
and how to rightly interpret the Bible so that their study
time will become increasingly pro table and exciting.
Otherwise, it can become just an empty ritual.
We deal with this in the chapter on discipleship. (For a more
extensive look at this see e E ectual Bible Student, which
is available from Way of Life Literature.)
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 Discipline Must Begin Early
“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul
spare for his crying” (Proverbs 19:18).
e child must be disciplined “while there is hope,” meaning
when he is still young enough to learn the lessons.
ere comes a time when no hope. It is too late.
e discipline must begin as soon as the child can
understand what the parent is communicating, and that is
usually within the rst few months. As soon as the child
understands a command and disobeys that command, that
is when discipline begins. Parents know what the child is
understanding.
When my wife has training classes for Christian mothers in
South Asia who are newly converted to Christ, they are
always amazed to hear that they should begin training and
disciplining when the children are infants. Some years ago,
she had our daughter-in-law bring her two-year-old and six-
month-old daughters into the class to demonstrate how she
disciplines them. ey were abbergasted, because they
typically think that nothing can be done until the child is
about ve years old!
e best time to train a teenager is when he or she is a
toddler. Pastor J.B. Bu ngton, said, “I’ve heard people say,
‘Everything went along alright until my children became
teenagers and then something happened.’ But I beg your
pardon, that’s not the case. Most of it happened before ve
years old. at’s why I exhort mothers, ‘Don’t let anybody be
a baby sitter of your children except you and other godly
people.’ In those rst ve years, attitudes, security, goals, and
many other things are already developed, and they will
come into full blossom in teenage years. A child is like a
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Discipline Must Begin Early 53

computer. What you put in comes out. You can put

something into a computer and pray that something else
will come out, but it won’t happen. I urge you not to waste
time, to start early” (How to Lose Your Teenager before He is
Five Years Old).
 Discipline Must Be Done Diligently
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth
him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24).
“Betimes” is the Hebrew sahar, which means to do
something diligently, quickly. It is translated “seek unto God
quickly” (Job 8:5), “rising quickly” (Job 24:5), “diligently to
seek thy face” (Pr. 7:15), “diligently seeketh good” (Pr.
11:27).
e training and discipline must be done zealously. It
cannot be an on again/o again thing. It cannot be a half-
hearted thing. e parents must study biblical discipline and
put it into practice diligently. is must be a major focus of
their lives. is is when child training becomes e ectual.
e parents must have the dedication expressed in the
following testimony: “Turning our daughter out right for the
Lord is the highest priority we have. It’s EXTREMELY
important to us. It’s like life and death to us. So, it gets a lot
of our thought, prayers, and attention.”
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 E ective Use of the Rod
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth
him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24).
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod
of correction shall drive it far from him” (Proverbs
22:15).
“ e rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child le to
himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15).
“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou
beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. ou shalt beat
him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell”
(Proverbs 23:13-14).
e rod is mentioned four times in Proverbs in association
with child discipline. is is the proper biblical instrument
of discipline. A rod is not a st; it’s not a club; it’s not a slap
or a kick; it’s not yelling; it’s not threatening. Webster’s 1828
dictionary de ned a rod as “the shoot or long twig of any
woody plant; a branch, or the stem of a shrub; as a rod of
hazel, of birch, of oak or hickory.” See Genesis 30:37 and
Jeremiah 1:11. Previous generations called the spanking rod
a “switch.” My maternal grandmother used switches from
the trees that grew around her house in central Florida, and
they were so e ective that all of her many children professed
faith in Christ as adults and had successful marriages and no
divorces.
e rod must be used instead of
man-made alternatives
e Bible emphasizes the use of the rod for correction, but
mankind has devised many alternatives. Humanistic
psychology thinks that it knows more than God about
human nature and proposes a wide variety of manipulative
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 56 Child Discipline

rewards and punishments that avoid the use of the rod. Even
many Christian parents in Bible-believing churches draw
back from using the rod. Substitutes to the rod include
shouting, endless reasoning, ridicule, sitting the child in a
corner, locking him in a room, promises (“I’ll give you a
cookie if you do that”), threatenings, withholding bene ts,
and lies (“a monster will eat you”).
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“My dad didn’t get saved until he was 37, and my mom
and dad didn’t go to an Independent Baptist church until
a few years a er that. Consequently, my mom set me in a
corner quite a bit. She put me there and told me to think
about what I’d done. Of course, I didn’t think about that. I
was thinking about my friends out playing ball or
something like that. I thank the Lord for my parents. My
dad was a man of tremendous character, and he taught us
to work and to be honest and not to lie. But sending kids
to their rooms or putting them in a corner breeds
rebellion. It doesn’t get the job done.”

e rod must be used when the child is rebellious

A biblical rod is “a rod of correction” (Pr. 22:15; 23:13). It is
to correct bad behavior. It is to correct a child that refuses to
obey verbal commands and instruction. It is not used when
the child doesn’t understand or is confused or is otherwise
acting out something rather than disobedience to authority.
e rod of correction is a compassionate thing. e goal is
to correct the child’s natural waywardness and teach him the
ways of God.
Dave Sorenson describes how that one of his girls had to be
corrected for her stubborn rebellion,
When one of our girls was small, she decided one
evening that she did not want to stay in her bed. She had
been put to bed, but she decided she wanted to get up.
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 Effective Use of the Rod 57

She climbed out of her bed and came out into the living
room. She was lectured about the fact that it was her bed
time and that if she got out of bed again she would be
spanked. She was placed back in her bed. A few minutes
later, she came out again. As promised, she was paddled
and placed back into her bed. ... A few minutes later, she
came out again. She again was paddled and placed back
into her bed amidst rather rebellious crying. She was
throwing a tantrum. A er a while she proceeded to get
out of bed and come out again into the living room. As
far as we could tell, there was no legitimate reason for her
to get up. She just did not want to stay in bed. Again she
was spanked. is went on for about a half an hour, but
she nally got the message; if she openly de ed Mom and
Dad, she would be spanked. It was consistent. It
happened every single time. ...
at night a major battle was won. Her rebellious little
will was broken. She had tried her hardest to challenge
parental authority, and she had lost. ...
Did we as parents enjoy spanking our little girl? We hated
every moment of it. She was our pride and joy. Nothing
would have pleased us more than for her to have cuddled
up to us out in the living room, but we knew how she
needed to have discipline developed in her life (Sorenson,
Training Your Children to Turn out Right, pp. 71, 72).

e rod must not be spared (Pr. 13:24)

is means to draw back from using it, to fail to use it.
e Word of God says the parent who spares the rod, hates
his son. at is contrary to the world’s thinking.
e reason behind this is that the child needs the rod to
teach him God’s ways. He must learn that God is a Judge
who punishes sin so that he will understand that he needs a
Saviour. e rod, rightly used, prepares the child to
understand the gospel.
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 58 Child Discipline

e rod can be spared by withholding it altogether. Many

parents commit this sin. ey refuse to follow the Bible’s
teaching in this matter.
e rod can also be spared by withholding it from time to
time when it should be used. Some parents start out using
the rod properly, but they then slack o . Others use the rod
from time to time, but they do not use it consistently.
ere are many things that will tempt a parent to spare the
rod, such as a child’s cries (Pr. 19:18), the child’s lies (e.g.,
insincerely saying “I’m sorry” as soon as he realizes that he
is going to get a spanking), physical weariness, impatience
with the slow process of discipline, interference by well-
meaning but misguided friends and relatives, and mental
frustration. But if the rod is spared when it should be used
the child will not be properly disciplined.
Consistency in discipline is essential, because inconsistency
actually trains the child to disobey.
“If a child is told not to run in church, and the parent
sees the child run and does nothing about it, that is
inconsistent discipline. Parents, the child needs to know
the rules and that if they break the rules they will be
disciplined” (Terry Coomer, Rearing Spiritual Children, p.
62).
As David Sorenson says,
“We positively demanded that our children obey us. If
they did not obey, there were immediate and consistent
consequences. Every time. Every single time!”
e rod can also be spared by withholding it from some of
the children. It is not uncommon for parents to be stricter
with a rstborn child, for example, than with those that
come later. It is especially common for older parents who
have a child out of season to spare the rod.
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 Effective Use of the Rod 59

e rod must be used with su cient force

to correct the child (Pr. 23:13-14)
e foolishness that is bound in a child’s heart must be
“driven” away (Pr. 22:15). e rod must hurt enough to get
the point across and to bring real heart-level submission. To
drive foolishness away from the child takes proper force,
rm resolve, and perseverance.
Hebrews 12:11 says the chastening that produces the
peaceable fruit of righteousness must be “grievous.”
If the rod is used but the child still persists in disobedience,
it has not been used with su cient vigor or consistence or
persistence (or it is used with a wrong attitude and spirit).
Parents o en fail at this point. ey use the rod a little but
not enough to bring the desired results, and they then
become convinced that it doesn’t work. Or they use it
inconsistently. e problem in such cases is not with the
rod; the problem is with its insu cient, inconsistent misuse.
I recall some Christian friends who had a two-year-old boy
who was extra large and extra stubborn. e mother would
“spank” him by giving him a couple of swats on his thick
diaper with her hand and he would literally laugh it o and
persist with his mischief and rebellion. Not surprisingly, by
the time the child approached his teenage years he was
uncontrollable. e biblical use of the rod would have
stopped that fearful rebellion in its tracks and would have
saved the family a lot of heartache and the child a lot of
sorrow.
e foolishness that is bound in a child’s heart must be
“driven” away (Pr. 22:15).
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 60 Child Discipline

e rod must be used without multiple

commands and threats
Many parents fall into the trap of telling their child “no”
repeatedly and warning and threatening instead of calmly,
swi ly, and consistently using the rod to train the child to
obey at their rst command. If he doesn’t obey a er ONE
command, he should be spanked with the rod until he does
obey. If he is given multiple commands before he is spanked
with the rod he is actually being taught NOT to obey and he
is training his parents more than they are training him. He
learns that his parents don’t really mean it when they give
him a command or even when they warn him, because they
let him get away with multiple acts of disobedience.
Pastor Sorenson says,
As a pastor, I have visited in thousands of homes. I have
witnessed the following scenario played out numerous
times. ... Mom (or, sometimes Dad) would say to Junior.
‘It’s time to go to bed’ (or some other parental directive).
Junior ignored his mother and continued to watch TV. ...
A er a few moments, she would say, ‘Junior, I told you to
go and get ready for bed.’ He replied, ‘Awe, I don’t want
to.’ Mom let that go by. A few moments later, Mom
became a little hot about the matter. She raised the
volume of her voice and said, ‘I TOLD YOU TO GET
READY FOR BED.’ Junior replied, ‘But Mom, I want to
watch my program.’ Mom tolerated that counter for a few
more moments. She then announced, ‘THIS IS THE
LAST TIME I AM GOING TO TELL YOU. GO AND
GET READY FOR BED!’ Junior, by now himself getting
exasperated at being shouted at, shouts back, ‘I TOLD
YOU, I DON’T WANT TO!’ Finally, Mom shouts, ‘I’M
WARNING YOU. MARCH RIGHT NOW, OR I AM
GOING TO WHIP YOU.’
Variations of that scene go on by the thousands every
single day. e real culprit was not Junior. He knew from
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 Effective Use of the Rod 61

considerable experience that Mom could be ignored.

Mom was too lazy to get up and deal with the situation.
She, in fact, was in her own way contributing to the
delinquency of Junior. ...
One might say, ‘If I handled the situation described above
as recommended, there would be a pitched battle.’ Well,
you had better get on with the battle and win the war
while it can still be won. e day is coming when you will
not be able to win the battle or the war (Training Your
Children to Turn out Right, pp. 69, 70).

e rod must be used wisely and in the context

of communication with the child
Following are some wise rules about how to spank a child,
from the book Raising Children in an Ungodly World:
1. Make sure that the children understand the rules.
2. When discipline is necessary, take the child aside
privately and tell him that what he has done wrong and
how he will be disciplined.
3. Carry out the discipline with self-control, explaining
rst to the child what will happen.
4. Hug the child and tell him that you love him.
5. Explain why the discipline had to happen and why
their actions were wrong; talk with them about how they
can correct this in the future and suggest alternative
actions.
6. Always emphasize that obedience is required by God,
and that it is not just our own program.
"Every time this has happened in our home, step 4 has
never been evaded by either child or parents. In fact, step
4 in the discipline process has o en been some of the
more special times in our relationship with our children.
It says that we love you unconditionally and that our
children know that sincerely. When a child can tell you
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 62 Child Discipline

that they love you a er they have received a spanking

from you, it means they can sense your sincerity and self-
control. I am not saying that as parents we have done this
faultlessly every time. I certainly have made mistakes
along the way (e.g., not admonishing in private and even
allowing anger to rule instead of Christ) but even with a
few sinful mistakes here and there, God has been
gracious to us in the discipline of our much-loved
children" (Ken Ham, Raising Godly Children in an
Ungodly World, p. 197).
“I always appreciated that Dad would always tell us not
only what we did wrong, but why it was wrong. When we
would get caught doing something, and we already knew
why it was wrong, he would still tell us again anyway, just
to reinforce the reason. We were never confused about
discipline. Dad’s explanations made it clear” (Ham, p.
204).
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“ e children realized that when we spanked them, it
wasn’t against them or their person but it was against
their actions. We wanted to correct their attitude or
actions. We would take them aside and correct them and
then spend time in prayer with them and then hug them.
ey knew that the correction didn’t come because we
were angry or we were embarrassed for the Nichols’
name or something like that, but that they were acting
against God and God’s Word.”
Nichols adds the following wise suggestion,
“You need to maintain eye contact with your children. I
have noticed in many cases that the children’s eyes
wander when they are being corrected, but they need to
look right into the parent’s eyes. is is a form of
rebellion, too. ey’re saying, ‘I’m here but I’m not at
home.’ ey need to be accountable for what they’ve
done.”
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 Effective Use of the Rod 63

Unwise and hasty and angry use of the rod can provoke the
children to wrath and drive them away from the parent.
Communicating with the child is essential. Otherwise he or
she can be confused and frustrated and might consider the
parent unreasonable.
e parent needs to be ready to apologize when he or she
makes a mistake in discipline.
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 No Sassing or Resisting
E ective child discipline requires that the parents not allow
the child to talk back or to resist the discipline.
David Sorenson says,
[Another] basic rule in our house was that disrespect,
de ance, sassing, or any other form of overt rebellion
toward us as parents absolutely was not tolerated.
Nothing would bring judgment more swi ly than for me
to hear our children sassing their mother. ey were
taught ahead of time that de ance or disrespect was not
allowed, period! ... 1 Samuel 15:23 says, ‘For rebellion is
as the sin of witchcra ...’ It is Satanic in its origins. And
rebellion begins with a smart mouth. ... Children are
born with a rebellious, sassy spirit, and the sooner it is
nipped in the bud the better. ...
One of our children would, at times, ght the spanking.
She was informed that if she fought and resisted,
whatever the original punishment was, it would be
doubled. Now, that may seem harsh. However, it did not
take too long for it to soak in that rebellion, even during
punishment, would not be allowed. ...
As a result of dealing with it as soon as it raised its ugly
head, it had pretty well been purged by the time the girls
were of school age. ...
Do not believe the foolishness that if you deal directly
with rebellion, you will only cause a child to be more
rebellious. Rebellion and de ance will grow like an ugly,
malignant cancer. e earlier it is dealt with, the better. ...
One might think that our home was a rigid,
authoritarian, Spartan environment. To the contrary, it
was a warm, fun, loving place; and one of the things that
made it such a sweet place was that there was so little
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 No Sassing or Resisting 65

con ict (Training Your Children to Turn out Right, pp.

66-68).
is is a very important point. e Bible says foolishness is
bound in the heart of a child, and that becomes evident in a
multitude of ways. Children do not act reasonably! ey act
foolishly. ey have many ways to act out rebellion, and if
one doesn’t work they try another. For example, they will
whine and whimper or throw a t or cry e usively and
refuse to quiet down. ose are acts of a foolish heart and
statements of rebellion, and the child must be taught that he
is not allowed to do such things. He must obey. Period. He
must not be allowed to spoil the atmosphere of the home
(whether his parent’s or someone else’s), or a social get
together, with his sinful foolishness.
A wise parent can tell when the child is crying because he is
genuinely hurt and when he is putting on a sel sh act of
rebellion.
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 Discipline for Actions and for
Attitude
Many parents fail in child training by disciplining only for
actions rather than both for actions and attitude. ey allow
the child to get away with having a bad attitude as long as
they are outwardly obedient, but this encourages bad
character. It reminds us of the little boy who was told by his
father to sit down. Knowing that his father would spank him
if he disobeyed, the little boy complied, but as he sat down
he said, “I’m still standing in my heart!”
Children have a multitude of ways to get the same point
across. ey make funny little sounds; they make faces; they
are sullen. is is not the type of obedience that is
acceptable to the Lord, and wise parents will not allow it.
God’s command is that children “honour thy father and thy
mother” (Ex. 20:12). e obedience must be accompanied
by honor, which is a right attitude of respect toward the
authority.
Terry Coomer writes,
“Something that is very important is that we should
discipline for attitude. When a child says ‘no’ to you or
makes a face, proper discipline is in order. In this battle
of the wills you may have to spank more than once”
(Rearing Spiritual Children, p. 58).
is was emphasized to me in an interview with Missionary
Bob Nichols,
“Another thing I have noticed in parents is that they don’t
watch for attitudes. Attitude is all important. You can do
something with the wrong attitude and it doesn’t turn out right.
If you tell them to wash the dishes or take out the garbage, or
whatever, if their attitude isn’t right they aren’t going to get a
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Discipline for Actions and for Attitude 67

reward for it. ey are still in disobedience, and it needs to be

corrected.
“A lot of people correct for misconduct, but they don’t go into
attitudes. We disciplined for attitude problems. We didn’t allow
moodiness. You can wake up with a smile just as easily as you
can wake up with a frown. Parents shouldn’t allow moodiness
in the lives of their children. We corrected moodiness instantly.
If they had a bad attitude, there was immediate correction. We
didn’t allow it.”

Nichols also makes the important point that the children

must be taught to get along with one another. e parents
must not allow them to bicker and act sel shly.
“We never let our children ght. We never let them cut down
or ridicule each other. We didn’t allow it. If you were around
my family, you would realize that they have a deep respect for
people’s children and they enjoy being around kids of all ages.”

Pastor Mario Schiavoni also emphasizes this point,

As far as sibling rivalry (bickering, snatching things,
making one another cry) I’ve seen it in some of the
church families and I try to gently say to the fathers not
to tolerate that. I’m guessing that maybe they do tolerate
it to a point, until it gets totally out of control. We’ve
always had zero tolerance of that type of thing with our
children. Basically it was one strike you’re out. I think
children sometimes act out what they have seen on
television, but my children haven’t been in uenced by
that. We taught the children to be best friends.
We’ve tried to discipline everything from the overtly
outright snatching to the attitude or the words spoken
out of tone.
I can’t help but think that the key is the role model. If the
child sees the parents bickering with one another over
silly things, I can’t help but think that this in uences the
child. Our boys are six and nine and they share a
bedroom, and it’s not an issue. ey’re mates [friends],
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68 Child Discipline

and I think they are good mates with their older sister,
too. We’ve had them at home right through, home
schooling and all, and they get along well. ey learned
to get along when they were little.
Along this line, the younger children should be taught to
respect and obey the older ones, as we have already noted.
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“We always taught the younger ones to obey the older
ones. A lot of times the younger don’t want to listen to
the older, but God put us in the order in which we are
born into the families with a design and purpose. So they
have to understand that.”
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 Discipline in Love
“My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither
be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth
he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he
delighteth” (Proverbs 3:11-12).
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth
him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24).
If the parent doesn’t have the right attitude when using the
rod, it won’t work and it might produce the exact opposite of
godly submission.
We respond to love. e Bible says that we love God because
He rst loved us (1 John 4:19). When parents love their
children and demonstrate it clearly and consistently, the
children respond in kind and their hearts are kept close to
the parents and they remain open to parental instruction.
One respondent to our questionnaire wrote,
“ e most important thing is to love them with a sincere,
godly love. Not the liberal ‘do as you want, be who you
are, non-judgmental’ love. is doesn’t keep the kids,
because it draws them to the charismatic and liberal
churches. e world and Satan are the ones that
ultimately get our children in this kind of liberality.”
Pastor Dave Sorenson emphasizes the necessity of love in
child training,
Another concept endemic to godliness is the matter of
love. ... [It] is important that our homes be an aquarium
of love. In all your teaching, discipling, and admonishing
of your children, always season it liberally with love.
See that your children have no doubt whatsoever that you
love them. Tell them you love them. Show physical
a ection in an appropriate fashion such as hugs and
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70 Child Discipline

discreet kisses. Always be there when they need you.

Never be too busy for their school functions or programs.
Love them even more than you love yourself.
Not only is it right to love your children, it will enable
you to most e ectively teach and train them. When they
unquestionably know you love them, they know that you
have their best interests at heart (Training Your Children
to Turn out Right, p. 136).
Terry Coomer warns about parents who yell at their
children,
Parents who yell and scream all the time are only
building a rebel. e child will hear you yell and scream
and ignore you and when he grows up he will never listen
to a thing you tell him. I have talked to many parents
who have disciplined in this manner and they rmly
believe they are disciplinarians. ‘You know, Pastor, my
kids got it when they back-talked me. I hit them right in
the mouth. I yelled and they listened.’ Sure they did, right
up until the day they got out of your house. Now they live
the way they want, which does not include living for
God. You did not train them, you browbeat them! ey
longed to get away from you.
Listen carefully; proper discipline of the child requires
not disciplining in anger. When our children disobeyed,
we calmly went into the bedroom and talked with them
about their disobedience and spanked them on the area
God has provided. We always told our children that we
were displeased with their behavior and God was
displeased. We then told them we loved them and wanted
them to grow up to have good character and to be
obedient to the Lord. We also told them that Jesus loves
them and wants them to have good character. We always
hugged them and made sure they knew we loved them
and the discipline was for their own good. Quite frankly,
we really never had to spank either child a er the fourth
grade (Rearing Spiritual Children, p. 58).
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 Discipline in Love 71

John G. Paton, the famous missionary to the New Hebrides

islands who su ered much for Christ and won many
headhunters to the Saviour, in his biography described the
training and discipline he received as a child. He grew up in
a happy but very religious and sober home and the
discipline was e ective in the lives of each of the eleven
children. A er describing the way the family spent their
Sundays and how the children were carefully catechized in
Bible doctrine throughout the week and how his father used
the rod of correction when necessary, he observed:
“Of course, if the parents are not devout, sincere, and
a ectionate,--if the whole a air on both sides is
taskwork, or worse, hypocritical and false,--results must
be very di erent indeed! God help the homes where
these things are done by mere force and not by love!”
(John G. Paton: Missionary to the New Hebrides, 1891).
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 Consistency and Persistency
One of the most important things that the parents can do is
be consistent and persistent with their discipline and
training. is is true for punishing disobedience, family
devotions, teaching responsibility, and every other aspect.
Stopping and starting will render the discipline ine ective.
e parents must establish some solid biblical principles and
just keep on keeping on. We have mentioned this, but we
want to emphasize it further.
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
We have to be consistent. My oldest boy remarked the
other day that what he appreciates is we always came
back to things, such as daily family devotions. From time
to time we had events in our lives that got us o schedule,
so we would miss a couple of days, but we came back.
You have to be consistent. Your life will have
interruptions and problems and di culties and you
might have to readjust or lay something aside
temporarily, but you always come back to it.
You have to be not weary in well doing. I think that many
parents quit too early. Discipline of a child is like a diaper.
A young baby doesn’t have internal controls, so you put
external control on him. en as he begins to develop
internal control, you can remove the external. So you’ll
spend a lot more time disciplining your children when
they are younger. As they begin to develop the internal
ability to withstand the wiles of the devil and to stand on
their own, then you don’t have as much correction as you
do in the beginning.
When it comes to correction, sometimes it looks like it just
isn’t working. Pastor Mario Schiavoni comments on this as
follows,
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 Consistency and Persistency 73

“Discipline is a key, and we must try to be consistent. I

know that there were times with our rstborn when it
seemed like the discipline wasn’t working. She was very
strong willed. You discipline and discipline, but then one
day something happens, something clicks. It is something
that we have tried to encourage our church family about.
It might not seem like it is working, but it is. It takes time
to get through, but the penny will drop. We saw that with
our own. You have to just keep disciplining. With our
oldest we had more issues when she was about six and
seven. at’s when it became a real battle.”
My oldest grandson went through a dictionary de nition of
the “terrible twos.” His parents spanked him and spanked
him and spanked him, but it didn’t seem to have much
e ect. Suddenly, though, when he turned three, he calmed
down and responded to the discipline.
Parent, if the discipline doesn’t seem to be working, go back
to the drawing board (the Word of God) and make sure that
you are exercising the discipline properly.
- Are you using the rod with su cient force?
- Are you using the rod consistently, ever time it is
needed?
- Are you using the rod in love?
- Are you training the child to obey quickly, as opposed to
giving multiple commands and threats?
- Are you communicating with the child, making sure
that he understands what you expect?
- Are you refusing to allow the child to sass or resist the
discipline or have a bad attitude?
If the answer is no, then make whatever adjustments are
necessary. If the answer is yes, then just keep on keeping on
and trust the Lord to give the fruit.
“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous,
but grievous: nevertheless a erward it yieldeth the
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peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are

exercised thereby” (Hebrews 12:11).
 Involvement and Communication
Parents need to know exactly what is happening in their
children’s lives and exercise godly oversight and control.
ey need to know where the child is and what he is doing,
who his friends are, what music he listens to, what games he
plays, what books he reads, what internet sites he visits. is
is a parent’s responsibility. e children need to know that
they can talk to the parents about anything that is on their
heart.
Pastor Tony Evans says,
“Communication has been one of our big things. When
you have a lot of children they get lost in the group, so we
have made a point of individual days and times. I might
take one of the children out to breakfast before school or
for a co ee and chat, and that is that child’s time. I think
we have kept communication going that way. We feel that
communication between the parent and child is
tantamount to being able to mould their lives for the
Lord. Many times when children reach teenage years they
don’t want to have anything to do with their parents, but I
think a lot of time the problem is that communication
links weren’t set up early in life. So even when they were
four and ve years old, we were taking them on dates,
one on one, so that we could be connected and involved.
at’s been one of my venues for discipleship. We’ve sat at
McDonalds and done Bible studies.”
Even at church, parents are responsible for their children
and must not give this responsibility to someone else. e
parent needs to know what is going on in every situation. It
seems to be rare for parents to discuss with their children
what goes on at church. Too many parents just assume that
the children are O.K. In fact, though, parents need to
communicate closely with their children about every aspect
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of church life, from the Sunday School class (if the church
has them) to the content of the preaching.
is is a great discipleship opportunity. It is an occasion to
answer biblical questions, to nd out what the children are
thinking and whether they are having doubts, to teach them
how to make wise decisions (about friends, etc.), to model
godly submission to authority by supporting the disciplinary
decisions of teachers and church leaders, to instruct them in
how to handle problems, and many other things.
One man told me that through talking with his 12-year-old
son about what goes on at church, he learned that most of
his son’s peers aren’t serious about the things of God. He has
used this as an opportunity to stay close to his son by
showing that he is interested and sympathetic and to teach
him spiritual lessons, such as the importance of not
following the crowd but making his own decisions before
the Lord and choosing the way of wisdom rather than folly.
Another man wrote of the bene t of discussing the
preaching with the children.
“Children should have opportunity to worship alongside
of their parents so they can learn the culture and attitudes
of the Sanctuary. e questions that followed the
preaching gave us the opportunity to discuss and at times
be amazed at the things that mattered to our children and
even the things they misunderstood.”
If the parent believes that there is danger to the child in a
certain setting, he should act to protect the child. e
following testimony is from a mother who is taking this job
seriously.
It is the parent’s responsibility to train their children at
home and in church. I am sorry to see a lack of
leadership from the pastor in some ways. All pastors
need our prayers and encouragement. I try to encourage
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 Involvement and Communication 77

my pastor by praying for him and sending a note of

thanks from time to time. Pointing to the strong points
can build up their spirits. Too o en they receive critical
criticism. Constructive criticism, on the other hand, is
good to receive when shared in the spirit of love and
concern. I am a mother trying to teach my daughter
purity, modesty, servant-hood, thoughtfulness, and other
Christian virtues. I want her to be sel ess rather than
sel sh. I cannot change others, but I can show by my
example to my daughter what Christ is like by how I
choose to live. I am thankful I live out in the country
away from the in uences of town life. To make a
di erence, we must be Christ-like in all we say and do.
Parents need to be involved with their kids and KNOW
what they are being taught and WHO their friends are.
My daughter did not attend the Wednesday night
children’s program last year because I felt that the
children were too ‘out of control,’ meaning they are in
control more than the adults running the program. Too
many adults lack the courage to make children mind and
listen, and sadly that means there is disruption going on.
e children that want to listen and learn are frustrated
by the kids that don’t behave, which then can cause them
to not hear and learn the message being delivered. Being
afraid to hold kids accountable is not being Christ-like in
my opinion. So my daughter was the only child last year
listening to the pastor’s Wednesday evening messages. I
have shared my concerns, but I can only control what
goes into my child’s heart and mind.
I am responsible for her training. I do home school. I am
raising her to KNOW Jesus as LORD and Saviour of her
life. I don’t want her to just ‘know about’ Jesus. My
daughter is exposed to godly teaching o internet radio. I
have DVD's by David Cloud to help teach us. I love my
daughter. I want her to grow in God’s Truth and his
righteousness. Without God’s help, I could not. With
God, I can. I’m asking the LORD to deal with my heart in
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areas I lack insight and wisdom as well. God is so good

and faithful. Let God be praised in every way.
I would be very surprised if this woman’s daughter turns out
to be anything less than a disciple of Jesus Christ. e
mother is more concerned about her daughter’s spiritual
well-being than she is about tting in at church or even
about pleasing the leadership. at is healthy and wise and
right. is mother is properly respectful toward the church
leaders and has compassion toward them, but she knows
that she is responsible before God to make the right
decisions for her children. is mother is 100% committed
to doing her part to train up her daughter in the way she
should go and is trusting the Lord for the results. is is
exactly what it takes to “keep the kids.”
One of the most important things parents can do is to
maintain close communication with their children. When
struggles arise, as they will, the parents need to know what
is going on in the child’s heart so they can intervene in a
godly manner.
Parents should talk with teachers and others who deal with
their children to nd out how they are doing. One Sunday
School teacher told me that most of the boys in his class do
not appear to care anything about the lesson. He feels that
they are only in class because they are made to attend by
their parents. It makes you wonder about these parents. Do
they not know this or is it that they do they not care? I asked
this Sunday School teacher if he had approached the
parents, and he replied that he hasn’t been on the job very
long and was hesitant to do that at this point. I believe that
he should talk to the parents and let them know what he
sees, but it is also the responsibility of the parents to
approach him.
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Parents must make the home a place of enjoyment. Pastor

J.B. Bu ngton, in his 1970s sermon “How to Lose Your
Teenager before He is Five Years Old,” said,
Now, I don’t believe that the children should break things
and I believe they should learn how to clean up their
messes, but there is something more important than the
furniture and the carpet and the piano, and that is the
people who live there. I like to live at home. at is where
I can kick o my shoes in the living room. at’s where I
can relax and enjoy myself; and Mom and Dad, you need
to make sure that your children feel that way. ere have
been very few nights that my children have asked to stay
away from home. If the home is a place of joy, they will
bring their friends there. Before a child is ve years old,
he knows if the home is a place of happiness and a place
where he can enjoy himself.
Now, I don’t believe in a dirty house. ere is a di erence
between a dirty house and a house that is comfortable
and a bit ‘messed up.’ A house that is dirty hasn’t been
cleaned, but a house that is messed up is lived in.
When your children become teenagers, what will they
think about the place called home? Laughter? Joy? Home
ought to be the place where you can bring your friends
and have fun. e most important thing for parents to do
is assure their children that they are more important than
anything in that home. Sure, you teach them how to take
care of things, but they must understand that they are the
really important things to you.
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 Father and Mother in Harmony
“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake
not the law of thy mother” (Proverbs 1:8).
Twelve times the book of Proverbs mentions both the father
and mother in the context of child training (Pr. 1:8; 4:3;
6:20; 10:1; 15:20; 19:26; 20:20; 23:22, 25; 28:24; 30:11, 17).
Pastor J.B. Bu ngton warns,
“ e child quickly learns to manipulate the situation
when he sees that the mother and father are not in
agreement about his discipline. He or she will even risk
getting into trouble just to see mom and dad have a ght.
When you discipline, the parents must be in harmony
and must show the child that they are in harmony. e
mom must say, ‘If daddy said it, that’s right.’ e dad
must say, ‘If mommy said it, that’s right.’ ey must
support one another and work out any di erences in
opinion in private.”
e father and mother must study the matter of child
training together and learn together so they will be in unity.
ey must discuss these things together. e father needs to
take the lead in this, as he is the spiritual head of the home.
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart
No amount of training and discipline will work if the
parents do not capture and keep the children’s hearts. If
their hearts become estranged from the parents, the
children will experience spiritual shipwreck.
e heart is the center of the individual’s life. It is mentioned
833 times in Scripture!
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the
issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
e wise parent says, “My son, give me thine heart...” (Pr.
23:26). When children are young, they naturally give their
hearts to their parents, and a parent can keep that child’s
heart if he deals with him or her in love and godly wisdom.
Pastor Terry Coomer observes,
“Let me ask you a most serious and sobering question.
Do you have your child’s heart? You as a parent have to
get the child’s heart. Not only must you get the heart of
the child, you must keep the heart of the child. ... I can
hear someone say, ‘Pastor, I knew a Christian family
where there were three children and two of the kids grew
up to serve the Lord and one was a horrible rebel.’ e
answer is here; the parent did not have the heart of the
rebel or he did not keep the heart of the rebel. ... You have
to get the child’s heart! e problem in every spiritual
problem is the heart! Parents, rebellion begins in the
heart. Children’s lives wander because their heart
wanders. ... e one who has the child’s heart will
eventually have his life and his loyalty” (Rearing Spiritual
Children, pp. 70, 72).
Following are some of the ways that a child’s heart is stolen
from the parent:
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 82 Child Discipline

1. e heart can be stolen by parental hypocrisy.

When parents are hypocritical and do not walk sincerely
with the Lord in the home, the children become
discouraged and frustrated and they are easy targets for the
devil. We have dealt with this in the chapter on “ e Home:
Consistent Christian Living.”
2. e heart can be stolen by an unwholesome husband-
wife relationship.
As we have said, one of the most important things a father
can do for his children is to love his wife, and one of the
most important things a mother can do for her children is to
love her husband. One respondent observed,
“Having a loving relationship that is ongoing with your
wife helps keep the children’s hearts. When the children
see that, they know they have a place of security. Giving
your spouse love and a ection in front of the children is a
positive as well.”
3. e heart can be stolen when a father provokes his
children to wrath (Eph. 6:4).
When this happens, the father loses the hearts of his
children and they are easy prey for the world. We deal with
this extensively in a later section of this chapter on Child
Discipline.
4. e heart can be stolen by parental neglect and letting
the children live largely in their own worlds.
One missionary who has visited many churches and has
observed how that a great many of the young people turn
out to be rebels observed,
“I think the most important thing would be to keep close
relationships with the children. Lots of parents are too
busy with other things instead of being spiritually close
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart 83

to the family. Children grow up in their own world with

the video games, movies, music, headphones, internet,
etc., which causes great rebellion. Once they are old
enough to choose for themselves, they will go their own
way and not listen to their parents.”
5. e heart can be stolen by lack of patience and love, by
carnal criticism.
Parents must be very patient and kind with their children.
ey are delicate. We must have rules and the rules must be
enforced and there must be discipline, but we must never
forget that they are children and that learning godly
character habits and spiritual growth does not happen
overnight. It is a long process. e parents must not forget
the long and probably arduous process it took them to get
where they are.
Many of the respondents mentioned the necessity of
showing genuine love to the children. Following are a few
examples:
“Give lots of hugs and tell your children frequently that
you love them. Even if this gets a bit syrupy do it anyway.
Children want this even if they pretend not to. And really
mean it.”
“It is important as a parent to show your love and
acceptance of them consistently from the beginning.
Saying ‘I love you,’ hugs, and actions that support these
words are constantly needed to reassure them.”
“Young people don’t need good teachers as much as they
need ministers with a pastor’s heart. ey need to know
that they are cared for before anything else.”
6. e heart can be stolen by a lack of close
communication and involvement.
Many respondents to our questionnaire mentioned the
importance of this. Consider these examples,
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84 Child Discipline

“Listen to your kids. Really listen and try to understand

what they are going through. Take an interest in the
things that concern them, even if they seem very trivial
to you.”
“When they come to you and want to talk, it is important
that you listen and don’t jump all over them or belittle
their concerns. en they feel safe to con de in you or
bring their questions to you, and you have opportunities
to teach and instruct their open hearts.”
“I’d like to share a piece of advice that someone gave me
when we adopted our twin daughters in 1990, and that is,
‘You can’t spend too much time with your kids.’ at’s it.
Spend time with them every chance you get, even if you
are just in the room, doing something else; be there. Be a
presence in their lives. And talk at every opportunity.
Always welcome their point of view in family decisions.
If they know they are being listened to, they ride along.
Be genuine about this. When big blow-ups arise, get
everybody to sit around the table and work something
out.”
“Winning children’s hearts is something that needs to be
done when they are young, by spending time with them,
teaching them, and developing interests together with
them. Do not put them aside for work, or for your
hobbies that do not allow them to be around. Do not
think that you will be able to win their hearts a er you
have allowed someone else to win them.”
“I believe that parents can reach the hearts of their
children by having a relationship with them. at is, a er
all, how God reaches us and gets our hearts for Him.
Parents in today’s society have too little time for their
children. Even when kids are homeschooled, my
experience is that the majority of the homeschooled kids
are teaching themselves. My nine-year-old son is always
coming up to me and asking to do something with me.
Now, I can’t always, but if I never took the time to say,
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart 85

‘Ok, let’s sit down and play a game,’ then he would want
nothing to do with me because he would see that I want
nothing to do with him. We must make time to put down
what we are doing and sit down with the kids. We parents
have to take the time to raise our children. at means
spending time with them in God’s Word and out of God’s
Word.”
“We believe that one thing that has worked for us has
been just staying very, very involved in the child’s life,
showing an interest in her, talking to her, making sure
she knows that she is the most important earthly thing
we have, loving her. We have always wanted her to feel
that we are open and can discuss anything with her. As a
result, she feels completely comfortable talking to us
about just about anything, or, for really embarrassing
stu , to her mother.”
7. e heart can be stolen by lack of involvement by the
father.
We have already mentioned the necessity of involvement by
the parents, but here we want to emphasize the importance
of the father’s role. One of the most important ways to keep
the children’s hearts is for the father to be involved in their
lives and to be ful lling his responsibility to be the spiritual
head of the house. Malachi 4:6 says that Elijah will “turn the
heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the
children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a
curse.” us, we see that when the father’s heart is turned to
the children, their hearts are turned to him. If a father has
been unengaged with his children, he must repent of this sin
and confess it to his family and set out to make things right.
e following was sent to us when we were gathering
testimonies in preparation to write Keeping the Kids:
“We reach and keep the hearts of the children because of
our relationship with them. It is their love for us, just as it
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 86 Child Discipline

is our love for our Lord and Savior, which will cause
them to continue to respect us and listen to us. I think
back to my own experiences growing up. My earliest
memories are of my dad reading me the Bible when I was
very young. He cared about our neighbors. I’ll never
forget him sending my brothers and me out to rake our
90-year-old neighbor’s yard. Alongside my dad, we would
also shovel his walkway in the winter. Dad made sure we
never accepted money for helping out the neighbors. He
always had us looking for ways to help those around us.
Dad always took the time to sit and talk to me about
everything and anything. He was my best friend when I
was a teenager. I always felt I could go to him and talk to
him about anything. He was very clear about what was
sin, and as a result of his teaching, I also knew very
clearly what was displeasing or pleasing to God. Because
of my love and respect for my dad as well as for God, I
didn’t stray into sinful practices which were prevalent in
the seventies. I didn’t want to disappoint either my dad or
my Heavenly Father. Even while at a secular college
(Brown University), I devoted myself to my studies, not
participating in the darker side of campus life.”
One pastor told me that no matter what he is doing with his
son, even watching a DVD movie, they discuss what is going
on. e father points out things that he sees that are
spiritually dangerous, and he encourages his son to state his
opinions freely. He is teaching his son how to exercise moral
and spiritual discernment. e Bible says that spiritual
growth comes when the senses are “exercised to discern
both good and evil” (Heb. 5:14). is pastor and his wife are
working to maintain the type of relationship with their
children that will encourage them to discuss their struggles
and temptations freely. is father encourages his children
to share their hearts during family devotions. e kids have
grown up from a young age conversing with their parents
about their inmost concerns. It has become a natural thing,
and this has carried over as they have gotten older.
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart 87

Some fathers take their children on regular “dates.”

One man told me that few things thrill his young daughters
more than their “dates” with Dad. He observes that this has
helped him keep their hearts. e same man has a close
relationship with his son and plans activities that they can
do together that will allow them to talk one on one. He
testi es that his son’s heart is always tender toward his
authority when he makes the e ort to stay close to him and
to communicate with him.
I think of a pastor who has three daughters. When I preach
Bible conferences at his church, he takes me out to lunch
every day, and most days he takes one of his daughters, turn
by turn.
Pastor Tony Evans says, “Communication has been one of
our big things. When you have a lot of children, they get lost
in the group, so we have made a point of individual days and
times. I might take one of the children out to breakfast
before school or for a co ee and chat, and that is that child’s
time. I think we have kept communication going that way.
We feel that communication between the parent and child is
tantamount to being able to mould their lives for the Lord.
Many times when children reach teenage years they don’t
want to have anything to do with their parents, but I think a
lot of time the problem is that communication links weren’t
set up early in life. So even when they were four and ve
years old, we were taking them on dates, one on one, so that
we could be connected and involved. at’s been one of my
venues for discipleship. We’ve sat at McDonalds and done
Bible studies.”
Pastor Terry Coomer writes, “When [my oldest daughter]
was sixteen, the Lord laid on my heart to spend more time
with her. For the next two years, every Sunday a er church
we would go get a Coke and take a drive. Sometimes we
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 88 Child Discipline

would drive for hours and just talk about the Lord. She
would ask spiritual questions and we would talk about them.
No subject was out of bounds. We talked about developing
our relationship with the Lord. We talked about how to
really pray and what she was learning from her Bible. What
was God speaking to her about? We would talk about what
she was looking for in a young man for a godly husband. I
made sure she understood that she needed a young man
who would not be led by his emotions, but one who would
be led by the Word of God. I explained that a young man
who is led by his emotions would eventually lead her into
sin. We prayed together and became closer as a father and a
daughter. I made sure she understood what her mother and
I expected from her when she le our home. e key here
was it took time. I had to make the time. To this day she still
talks about her drives with Dad. is time spent with our
daughter on the Lord’s day helped her at a time when she
was preparing to leave our home to understand the
importance we and the Lord placed on our spiritual lives.
Parents, spiritual communication is the rst key to rearing
godly children” (Terry Coomer, Rearing Spiritual Children,
p. 45).
If this communication is jealously guarded and maintained,
when the children reach adolescence they will still share
their hearts with the parents and the worldly “generation
gap” will be bridged. e parents will be able to guide their
teenage youth through the great pitfalls that characterize
this particular time of life.
8. e heart can be stolen when there is a lack of candor
and confession and humility on the part of the parents.
“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for
another, that ye may be healed. e e ectual fervent
prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16).
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart 89

“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God”

(Ephesians 5:21).
9. e heart can be stolen when there are rules without a
clear biblical basis and the children are not taught the
reason for the rules.
Some of the respondents emphasized this as follows:
“Don’t just have rules, have biblically-based convictions.
When a child questions them, thank him for asking and
give the scriptural reasons. Reassure the children that it is
always good to come to the parent with questions, no
matter how tough.”
“Always be willing to listen to them. Give honest answers
to their questions. Show them respect; respect their
opinions. If there is a standard they need to follow
because it’s biblical, explain why. Teach them to have a
love for the Lord that is separate from yours, to cultivate
a relationship with the Lord of their own. Don’t always
hammer at them about right and wrong but also explain
to them WHY some things are right and WHY some
things are wrong, how that God wants to protect us from
the consequences of bad choices if we will be wise
enough to choose the right way.”
10. e heart can be stolen when the children are not
saved and grounded in God’s Word and when they do not
know how to apply God’s Word to their daily lives.
Children that do not have a real personal relationship with
Christ and are not grounded in God’s Word are prime
candidates to have their hearts stolen by the world, the esh,
and the devil. We have dealt with this in the chapter on
“Discipleship.”
11. e heart can be stolen when there is a lack of prayer.
Fervent, e ectual prayer is one of the most important ways
that the hearts of children are kept for the Lord and
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 90 Child Discipline

protected from being stolen by the enemy. We recommend

the Sunday School course “Fundamentals of Biblical Prayer.”
12. e heart can be stolen by a worldly friend, relative, or
teacher.
Parents must jealously and lovingly guard against
unwholesome relationships that draw the children’s hearts
away from them and toward evil.
13. e heart can be stolen by the world’s pop music and
its self-centered, rebellious philosophy.
I have repeated this o en in this book (Keeping the Kids),
because it bears repeating. Few things have the power to
steal a child’s heart to the world more than pop music.
14. e heart can be stolen by a worldly school
environment, whether Christian or secular.
15. e heart can be stolen by an evil in uence that comes
through literature or video games.
16. e heart can be stolen by a carnal a ection for
sports, which becomes a bridge to the world.
ere are a few of the ways that the hearts of children can be
stolen from the way of righteousness and truth.
Consider the Bible example of how David lost the heart of
his son Absalom. We read this sad story in 2 Samuel 11-15.
First, David sinned grievously in the matter of Bathsheba
and lost his testimony before his family (2 Sa. 11-12).
Second, David fell for Amnon’s lie and sent Tamar,
Absalom’s sister, to her room. A er Amnon raped Tamar,
David was angry but he did not apologize to Absalom or
exercise discipline or deal with the problem in any practical
way, as far as we know from Scripture (2 Sa. 13:1-7, 21).
ird, a er Absalom murdered Amnon and ed away,
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 Keeping the Child’s Heart 91

David longed for him but he did not send for him and deal
personally with him (2 Sa. 13:37-39). Fourth, even when
David let Absalom return, he refused to talk with him (2 Sa.
14:21-24). Fi h, a er Absalom burned Joab’s barley eld,
Joab convinced David to see Absalom, but it was too late; by
that point Absalom’s heart was totally estranged from his
father and lled with hatred and he had determined to steal
his throne (2 Sa. 14:28 - 15:6).
How did David lose his son’s heart? He lost it through at
least six of the ways listed previously: through hypocrisy,
neglect, poor husband-wife relationship (it is doubtful that
David’s polygamy would have provided the climate for a
quality husband-wife relationship), lack of confession and
humility, lack of communication, and lack of discipline.
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 Discipleship
“And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children,
and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house,
and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest
down, and when thou risest up” (Deuteronomy 6:7).
Biblical child discipline is not merely negative. It involves far
more than punishment of sin. It is an overall program of
discipling the child for Christ.
Discipling children requires teaching them God’s
Word naturally, as a way of life.
Deuteronomy instructs parents to teach the Word of God
“diligently unto thy children,” but this does not refer only to
conducting family devotions and taking the children to
church. ese are very important things, but the parents are
instructed to talk of the Word of God “when thou sittest in
thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when
thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”
Talking with the children about the things of God and
discussing the Bible and applying it to life’s situations should
be as natural as talking about the weather, and it should be a
daily, continual process.
Two of the respondents to our questionnaire said,
“We parents must speci cally, deliberately, teach the
values and principles of God’s Word to our children. We
cannot expect children to automatically absorb what we
believe. God’s Word commands us to ‘train up’ the
children in God’s ways, which means to ‘initiate’ the
learning and to ‘discipline’ with loving authority the
lessons to be learned. When we abdicate our authority
and position as the ‘trainers’ to others such as school
teachers or daycare workers, we are doing a grave
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injustice to these children by building within them a void

of understanding of God and His Ways which will be
lled with the lies of Satan and the esh.”
“You should build your relationship with your child at
every opportunity, teaching, mentoring on every bit of
life. Doing the laundry, making supper (for girls)
chopping wood with dad for boys, whatever. Just use
every moment as time to do things together and to learn
about the Lord and life skills.”
One man who wrote to share his experiences and thoughts
on “keeping the kids” is divorced and faces the heavy trial of
trying to raise a step-child for the Lord when the child lives
part time with an unsaved parent (who is very belligerent to
the fundamentalist Christian faith). As a result of the
custody issue, the girl is in public school (against the will of
her mother and step-father), which, of course, compounds
the problems she faces because of the evil associations. In
spite of these handicaps, this man and his likeminded
Christian wife are winning this battle by fervent prayer,
building a godly home environment, and maintaining a
close relationship with the girl. eir testimony is a good
example.
We believe that one thing that has worked for us has been
just staying very, very involved in the child’s life, showing
an interest in her, talking to her when we have her,
making sure she knows that she is the most important
earthly thing we have, loving her. Regular discipline.
Talking to her and explaining things that some might
think are above her age level, but we have talked candidly
with her about death, sex, relationships, etc., just as soon
as we thought she was able to understand the issues. Of
course, if she brings something up then that’s a good
chance to meet it head on and talk to her about it. We
have always wanted her to feel that we are open and can
discuss anything with her. As a result, she feels
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completely comfortable talking to us about just about

anything, or, for really embarrassing stu , to her mother.
I think talking at an adult level to her (within reason, of
course) has been a very important aspect of our
relationship with her.
Other important things are never missing church,
making sure she knows that salvation and the Lord are
real to us, holding up missionaries and preachers as
examples, praising young people who are making good
choices and pointing out others who are making bad
choices, and warning her of the dangers. We constantly
stress the importance of choosing the right friends.
As far as life-coaching, when she was about six we started
emphasizing the importance of choosing the right
husband. We harp on that constantly. We look for ways to
bring up the issue. We tell her over and over, it is the
second most important decision you will make in life,
a er getting saved. If you make a bad choice there, you
will regret it the rest of your life.
When she was three, we started teaching her seriously
about creation and evolution, giving her speci cs. Today,
she is pretty well grounded on that very important topic
because young people need to get that early to be able to
withstand the forces promoting evolution.
Not watching television. Involving her in whatever
ministries we could. She helps stu envelopes for
missionaries, etc.
e main thing is this. Turning her out right is the
highest priority we have. It’s EXTREMELY important to
us. It’s like life and death to us. So, it gets a lot of our
thought, prayers, and attention.
On learning the Bible, our daughter loves to be involved
in the learning experience, so we have really tried to
make learning the Bible interesting to her. When she was
3-6, we would read a Bible story and then act it out. at
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makes an impression on a little kid. She couldn’t wait to

get to the acting out part.
en at about six years old, we started giving her quizzes
about what we were learning. She loves to take a quiz.
Now, she’s 12, but a lot of times on the road we’ll give her
a quiz, like: ‘Give me a verse that says we can know that
we are saved?’ ‘What king was guilty of murder?’ ‘What
happens a er we die?’ etc.
Her Sunday School teacher says she is one of the sharpest
students he’s ever had, that she really knows her Bible.
We have a Bible Trivial Pursuit type game, with two levels
of questions -- kid questions and adult questions. Some
of the kid questions are pretty hard, and she stands just as
good a chance of winning as her mother or I do because
she’s been taught, not by rote but by involvement. at’s
why they take tests in school. Too much Bible teaching is
done by having someone telling it to you, without you
having to give it back. Why don’t we have tests in Sunday
School?
e mother and father that put the Word of God in this
central place in the life of their family will see godly fruit
that will last for eternity. Too many parents talk about
everything but the Word of God. e fathers talk with their
sons about sports, shing, hunting, shooting, and politics;
the mothers talk with their daughters about cooking,
fashion, makeup, romance novels, boys and other girls, but
they do not talk about God’s Word. is is a recipe for
spiritual disaster.
Of course, before parents can talk e ectively with their
children about God’s Word, they must rst learn it
themselves. ey must establish their own private study
time and show themselves approved unto God by being
workmen in His Word.
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 96 Child Discipline

Discipling children requires teaching them how to

serve the Lord and necessitates that the parents serve
the Lord with the children.
If we want to ful ll God’s will, we must realize that it is not
enough to have a godly, joyful home. We must gear the
home toward the ful llment of God’s will on this earth in
this present age, and that is encapsulated in what is called
the Great Commission. Parents need to teach their children
that this is Christ’s program for this age and show them how
to do it.
Some of those who wrote to us on this subject emphasized
this matter,
“When you examine the life of the apostle Paul, and also
that of the earthly life of the Lord Jesus, you nd them
giving their lives to two missions: preaching to the lost
and encouraging the believers. Devote your family
energies to those two missions and you won’t waste your
lives. Show the children that the church is not merely an
audience in the pews that watches the ‘show’ every week.
Make sure that you and your children actively encourage
other church members and expect those members to
reciprocate. Take your children with you when you do
personal evangelism. Let them see and hear the
di erences between lost people and saved people. Teach
them how to share the Gospel and let them contend with
the objections of the atheist, the cultist, the New Ager, the
religious lost. Equip them with the answers regarding
e volut ion , Bibl e versions, C hr ist i an histor y,
denominations, etc.”
“A pastor who is a great friend of mine was led to Christ
by one of his Air Force commanders and present was the
o cer’s seven-year-old boy. A er they spoke together, my
pastor friend said, ‘Your son is so quiet and well behaved.’
It turned out that the o cer’s son had participated with
his father as a prayer partner in witnessing. is little boy
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 Discipleship 97

had been praying for the entire time his father was
sharing the truth with my friend. at boy now is a
pastor himself with children that share in the joys of what
his father allowed him to do as a boy and share in the
fruits of witnessing.”
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“Our children are always in the work with us. Wherever I
go I take them. ey play musical instruments and know
music. ey go when we preach and when we go soul
winning. ey’re involved in AWANAs and discipleship.
We try to get them involved in everything. I have had all
my boys go through our Bible institute in Brazil, and
they’ve had to go through a discipleship program where
they learn to win souls. A er they win a soul they are
responsible to disciple that person and help them grow in
the Lord. All my boys have led music in church. As a
matter of fact, our church is set up where on Sunday
morning we have a 15 minute time during which the
young men can sign up to preach or give a devotion from
the Bible. It helps them develop their preaching skills and
learn to stand before others. en we have another young
man who leads the congregational music each week. e
front row in our church is where we have the young
people come and play the guitar. We always have some
who are learning to play music, both guitar and piano.
en as the boys got older we gave them more
responsibilities. We take missions trips up in the
mountains and they are responsible to preach and do
door-to-door visitation up there. en to each of my
preacher boys I give a responsibility on a rotating basis
each year to organize a camp during carnival season. I
give the young men the responsibility to organize the
camp, so that helps develop their skills. ey get an
appreciation of the planning and all that is involved. ey
have to program the events of each day, the Bible times,
the speakers, the games. ey have to order the food and
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 98 Child Discipline

everything. Giving my boys responsibilities like this has

helped prepare them for life.”
Tony Evans, missionary to Japan, echoes this sentiment,
We’ve always tried as a family to do everything possible
together. We’ve always tried to pray together, to study the
Scriptures together, to serve together. Even coming back
on deputation, we travel together as family. We’re a team
and we work together. It’s not convenient traveling with
ve kids and doing Japanese homeschooling in the bus as
we go, but we do that.
We don’t consider the ministry as something that belongs
only to my wife and me, but something that belongs to
the whole family. As the children have become old
enough to serve in some way, they’ve all had their own
ministries in the church. Benjamin, who is 20, started out
with printing things such as the church programs, and
slowly that ministry has been handed over to the others.
at’s the face of the church, so I see that as an important
job. ey don’t only get the back seat jobs. As we see
character and growth in their lives, we give them
di erent things. Benjamin heads up a lot of music
programs in the church now. He’s been doing research
and teaching on godly music for two or three years. He
leads the woodwind ensemble. ey practice every week
and they have half an hour of study on the nature of
music, where the CCM thing is going, and that sort of
thing. Now, as a result of the work he has done, just the
last couple of weeks before we le to go on deputation, he
taught a series of two-hour seminars to the entire church
on that. e week before we le , he and I shared a lecture
to about a hundred kids on the same subject. at’s
something that he personally has developed a vision for
over the years, so I can see that the Lord’s going to open
that up because the Japanese lack training in that area.
Ruth has been very involved in the Sunday School. She
has a wonderful ability to reach into the hearts of little
kids and draw them out and come alongside them. She’s
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Discipleship 99

musical as well, so there are lots of things she does with

Sunday School and the choir. She is good at building
relationships with the teen girls in the church, and I think
some of her ability to do that links back with her having
been in school with the Japanese girls. She’s been there
with the secular girls and seen what they go through.
Even the secular girls come to her at school for counsel.
As a result of that she’s been able to lead one your girl to
the Lord. She’s got the ability to listen and open them up.
She’s just given her life to go back to the Japanese.
Susanna is in the wind ensemble. She’s got a burden to go
back and start teaching in Sunday School.
We deal with discipleship more extensively in the book
Keeping the Kids.
 Teaching Responsibility and a Work
Ethic
e book of Proverbs, which is God’s premier book on child
training, speaks much about a strong work ethic and
responsibility. It warns o en about the “sluggard” way of life,
which is the way of laziness and undependability.
“Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be
wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler,
Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her
food in the harvest. How long wilt thou sleep, O
sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little
sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to
sleep” (Proverbs 6:6-10).
“As vinegar to the teeth, and as smoke to the eyes, so is
the sluggard to them that send him” (Proverbs 10:26).
“ e soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but
the soul of the diligent shall be made fat” (Proverbs 13:4).
“ e sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold;
therefore shall he beg in harvest, and have nothing”
(Proverbs 20:4).
Children must be taught the importance of these truths by
hands-on experience. Missionary Bob Nichols says,
“Another thing that we have done with our children is
that we’ve never lived in a city. We’ve always lived on a
farm, so the children have always had animals and always
had responsibilities. ey were taught to work, taught to
take care of animals. ey’ve had household duties,
cleaning their rooms, the dishes, and such. Unfortunately
too many children today don’t have responsibilities, and
they sit around with nothing to do, and the devil takes
advantage of that. ey go into their rooms and hide in
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 Teaching Responsibility and a Work Ethic 101

their computers and televisions. Children need

responsibilities. ey need some work to do.”
Children don’t have to live in the country to learn how to
work. Even if they live in the city, parents can give their
children responsibilities.
is needs to start when they are very small. ey must be
taught to clean up a er themselves. If they make a mess with
their games and toys or projects, they must be required to
clean it up. Every time. is instills good habits that will
bene t them throughout their lives.
e kids need to learn to help around the house and church
in all sorts of ways and not just be served.
ey need to be taught to look for opportunities to help and
to volunteer to help instead of waiting to be asked.
ey need to be taught not to sit or stand around and watch
others work. ey should volunteer to help with the project,
and they should make sure that it is understood that they
really do want to help.
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 Continuing rough Adolescence
Many Christian parents slack o on oversight when the
children reach “teenage” years, but teenagers need more
attention and supervision, not less!
I have witnessed many parents that have actually followed
their adolescent children into the world! One respondent
warned against this strange phenomenon as follows:
“Parents must be completely transparent in being an
example to their children. Many young people will go
through their own time of weighing what they have
learned against what they perceive to be real. When all is
said and done, if they see their parents as real; that will
win out! Also parents must remain steadfast in spite of
what their children do. I have seen many parents rebel
along with their kids. Seems they have been ‘faithful’ in
order for God to help them raise good kids. When this
tactic seems to have failed, then the parents abandon the
fundamentalist church, usually for a less ‘legalistic’
option. e child then has nowhere to return, should
they ‘come to themselves’ as the prodigal did. When the
prodigal came home, the father was right where he was
when the son le .”
Another respondent to our questionnaire made the
following important observation,
“It seems to be a trend here that many parents think they
need to let their kids make their own choices when they
are in their early teens. In my estimation, the kids are not
ready to make their own choices about many things at
that age, and God still holds the parents responsible for
guiding them. If they make wrong choices and follow the
wrong friends, they need to be stopped. Parents are afraid
to lay down the law today. ey are afraid to discipline or
spank. ey fear this will drive their kids away. I’ve
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 Continuing Through Adolescence 103

learned that consistent and scriptural discipline has

drawn my step-kids closer to me. e fears of most
parents are unfounded.”
e average teen in North America has his own television,
smart phone, computer, internet connection, and video
game console. Many have their own automobiles. My dad
gave me a car when I was 17 years old, and it was disastrous
because I was not mature and had not demonstrated that I
could be trusted to make wise decisions.
If children have been raised right and have matured in
Christ and the parents have kept their hearts, they can be
trusted in some ways as teenagers, but even then they must
be carefully supervised and closely communicated with,
because they lack experience and are prime targets of the
devil. We must be vigilant against his wiles at all times (1
Peter 5:8).
Earlier we gave the example of how that Pastor Terry
Coomer spent every Sunday a ernoon talking with his
daughter when she was 16 and 17 years old. at is a wise
example.
Pastor Mario Schiavoni says,
“We are seeing that parental involvement is very, very
important. We have many parents in our church whose
children are just turning the corner from the high school
years, and we are seeing that the parents are backing o .
ey are stepping back and allowing the teens more say
than they should have. ey are allowing little
infatuations to brew. Of course, the older children are
becoming little adults; they do have more to o er, but the
parents must remain active in guiding, especially when it
comes to relationships and possible relationships. Parents
need to be more heavily involved during that time.”
Missionary Bob Nichols says,
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 104 Child Discipline

“You don’t stop when they are teenagers. With one of my

sons, his last spanking was when he was 21 years old. I
wore him out. He is bigger than me and could have
grabbed me and thrown me out the door. Of course, he
didn’t try, and I don’t let him know that he could. As a
matter of fact, my oldest daughter was 19 when she went
to her mother and said, ‘Mom, I need for you to give me a
good spanking. I’ve got this bad attitude and I can’t get
over it. Every time that you corrected me, I was able to
get victory over it.’ at was amazing. She really wanted
victory in that matter.”
Many of the respondents to our questionnaire observed that
youth begin to dri away when they get their rst job.
Parents need to oversee such decisions very, very carefully
and wisely. If the young people have a weak or questionable
testimony of salvation and have not been properly discipled,
they will easily be attracted to the lifestyle of their
unbelieving co-workers. It is extremely important that
parents not allow their children to take jobs that keep them
away from church or from having their daily devotions or
that otherwise hinder their walk with Christ.
Consider the following testimonies,
“ ere needs to be more parental involvement in the
spiritual growth of their child and a stronger family unit.
Dri ing and departure o en begin with a driver’s license
and getting a job and no guidelines (parental) on when
they can work and where. It is at this point that most
begin to depart from the church. If they stay consistent
through this period, (16-19), they will most likely
remain. e second most critical period is immediately
following, if they leave to attend a four-year secular
university. e in uences and atmosphere are not
conducive to spiritual growth or faithfulness. I know, as I
spent four years in one myself. In the absence of parental
or pastoral in uence, this group o en dri s from the
faith and has di culty reconnecting.”
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 Continuing Through Adolescence 105

“ e biggest reason some have stopped coming to church

is the lack of discipline by the parents. One young man
got a job his sophomore year of high school and began
working every Sunday night. is can be prevented by
the parents taking the authority and approaching the
owner of the store to let them know that their child
cannot work on Sundays or Wednesday nights. One other
young man just doesn’t get up and come to church, and
when the parents are approached about it they say, ‘Well I
just didn't get him up in time, so it is my fault he isn’t at
church.’ Yet the boy can get up early in the morning to go
to work.”
“We lose about 20% of the young people sometime in
high school. Generally we lose them because they get
jobs that make them work on Sundays. Once they get
those jobs, it becomes easy for them to justify staying out
of services and they generally do.”
“We have noticed that many who leave get the idea that if
God gives them a job that requires them to work during
services, then it is O.K. to miss services. If God gives
them a job that requires wearing immodest clothes then
it must be O.K. to wear immodest clothes. If God gives
them a job that plays rock-n-roll music on the PA then
that is O.K. ey think they are strong enough to take
that and keep coming to church una ected. Usually
though, within six months of getting the job they are
missing 50% or more of the services and within a year,
they are out of the services completely. As the Singles
Director, I have stressed the fact the God has His perfect
job for us and Satan has his perfect job for us. However,
most of the kids won’t wait upon God to provide that
perfect job.”
As the last testimony states, the young people must be
taught to live by faith rather than sight. God has a perfect
will, but we must seek it and wait for it. Young people must
be taught to live out such verses as Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew
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 106 Child Discipline

6:33, and Hebrews 11:24-27. God has promised to lead us

and take care of us, but we must put Him rst and obey Him
and trust Him. If the believer makes his own plans
according to his own thinking and perceived needs and then
asks God to bless it, it won’t work! at person is acting the
part of his own god. God is not a puppet on a string, just
waiting to do our bidding when we beckon! Almighty God
doesn’t bless us when we walk according to our will; He
doesn’t bless us when we walk in the darkness of self-
service; He blesses us when we walk in the light and
according to His will.
When I got saved at age 23 and started reading the Bible and
seeking God’s will and saw in Scripture how important the
church is (e.g., Acts 2:42; 1 Timothy 3:15; Hebrews 10:25), I
determined that I would not take a job that kept me out of
the services. God blessed that and faithfully provided jobs
that supplied my needs but did not hinder my spiritual
growth and my preparation for His service.
When children reach adolescence, it is especially important
to guard them against developing an appetite for the world’s
music. is is one of the devil’s most e ective hooks.
Worldly music is the main instrument that the devil used to
capture me when I was a teenager.
Pastor David Sorenson says,
“Perhaps more than anything else, the devil uses the
power of music to get his hooks into young people. We
do not have the space to elaborate at length about the
perils of music. But su ce it to say that the world’s music
is a primary device of the devil in getting a hold of young
people and that certainly includes children in Christian
homes. In the years our children were growing up, they
simply were not allowed to listen to rock music or any
other form of the world’s music. We did not allow them
to have a radio, stereo, or other type of playback device in
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 Continuing Through Adolescence 107

their rooms. Technology has changed over the years, but

the principle is the same. We currently have a foster
daughter in our home, and she is not allowed to play any
music on her iPod which is not approved. More Christian
young people have been drawn into the world by way of
the world’s music than probably any other one means. It
is powerful. One of the best things you as a parent can do
is control the music to which your children listen. You
will never regret that decision.”
We conclude this section on discipline in adolescence by
saying that parents must be ready to go into emergency
intervention mode if they see any sign of a child slipping
toward rebellion and worldliness. It must not be ignored. It
will not go away on its own accord.
One missionary wrote,
“Unfortunately, as more kids came and there were more
responsibilities in the ministry, I didn’t spend as much
time with the three youngest as I did with the rst three.
e Lord woke me in 2007 to the fact that I wasn’t
spending the time, and I’ve had to spend more time with
my younger children. I didn’t lose them, and I thank God
for that, but I began to see some rebellion coming in that
I didn’t like, and attitudes that shouldn’t have been there.
I was so involved in the ministry and trying to help my
preacher boys get established in the works that I wasn’t
spending su cient time with my family. at’s a
precaution that especially preachers and missionaries
must take in their lives, and it’s not just ‘quality’ time; it’s
day by day time. If we live right every day, it will be
quality time. It must be a day by day process.”
is father saw that there was a problem and he determined
to do whatever he could from his side to solve it. He went
into “emergency mode” for the sake of keeping the kids.
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 How to Spoil the Child Training
It is possible for parents to practice good child training only
to have the e ect spoiled by outside in uences. Parents must
jealously guard their children so this does not happen.
1 C or i nt h i ans 1 5 : 3 3 - “B e not d e c e ive d : e v i l
communications corrupt good manners.”
“Evil communications” refer to any kind of associations,
relationships, communion, conversation, and fellowship that
is evil, bad, wrong, or harmful by the standard of God’s
Word. “Evil” is the Greek kakós, the common New
Testament word for evil. It is also translated “wicked” (Mt.
21:41), “harm” (Ac. 16:28), and “ill” (Ro. 13:10). Evil is
anything that is contrary to God’s standard of righteousness
and holiness. Evil communications can be de ned by the
rest of the verse as anything that would bring harm to one’s
Christian life and anything that would corrupt good
manners. “Communications” is homilía, which refers to any
form of association, companying together, companionship,
conversation. It is from homiléo, meaning “a multitude, a
crowd, a company.” It is translated “talked together” (Lu.
24:14) and “communed together” (Lu. 24:15). “Corrupt” is
phtheíro, “to waste, destroy, bring to a worse state, spoil,
subvert” (Complete Word Study Bible). It is translated “de le”
and “destroy” (1 Co. 3:17). It is used for the corruption of
the mind by false doctrine (2 Co. 11:3). “Good manners” is
chrestos (pro table, t, good for any use) and ethos (custom,
habit, morals, character). It refers to the right or biblical way
of living and thinking.
i s i s a c om m an d to s e p ar ate f rom a l l e v i l
communications. It describes a very strict way of Christian
living. It is a warning that any association or company or
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How to Spoil the Child Training 109

companionship or communion with any form of evil spoils

the biblical way of Christian living and thinking.
1 Corinthians 15:33 tells us that we live in a world of danger.
We are in a war. We have enemies.
1 Corinthians 15:33 is a command to have a testing mindset.
It is a command to judge everything by the standard of
whether or not it is an evil communication and to avoid
everything that ts that standard. is is contrary to the
“judge not, be tolerant, lighten up, don’t be so strict”
thinking that is predominant within 21st century
Christianity.
Obeying 1 Corinthians 15:33 requires that God’s people be
be serious Bible students. It is impossible to know what is
“evil” without a strong and growing knowledge of God’s
Word.
1 Corinthians 15:33 applies to every area of life: friendships,
education, entertainment, literature, social media, television,
movies, YouTube videos, video games, music, etc. It applies
to children, youth, parents, preachers, and grandparents.
Evil communications will corrupt the good manners of any
person of any age.
1 Corinthians 15:33 is an important teaching for child
training. Parents must guard their children so they don’t
engage in evil communications.
1 Corinthians 15:33 is an important warning in the internet
era in which evil communications are only a mouse click or
a screen tap away. e word homilia (communion,
companionship, company) is an exact de nition for social
media!
1 Corinthians 15:33 warns that it is easy to be deceived in
this matter. Paul says, “Be not deceived.” You are not an
exception. If you associate with, commune with, company
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 110 Child Discipline

with, converse with evil, you will most de nitely be injured

by it. If your children associate with, commune with,
company with, converse with evil, they will most de nitely
be injured by it. Multitudes have been deceived in this
matter.
Following are some examples of how outside in uences can
spoil the child training:
e in uence of friends and relatives
Friends and relatives who are not likeminded in spiritual
things can have a negative in uence on our children.
ey can undermine the discipline by letting the children do
things that the parents do not allow. ey o en try to
introduce worldly things into the children’s lives. ey try to
lead the children away from strong Biblical thinking and
introduce wishy-washy ecumenical thinking and the New
Evangelical emphasis on “liberty and fun.” ey try to teach
unscriptural doctrines such as Pentecostalism, theistic
evolution, and Reformed theology, and unscriptural
practices such as Christian rock music and immodest dress.
ey try to introduce the young people to unsound authors.
ey can in uence the children and young people through
social media.
It is essential that parents be on guard and that they care
more about the spiritual welfare of their children than the
feelings of friends and relatives.
A mother recently shared with me how that it is di cult to
spend time with their relatives because the relatives, though
professing Christians, don’t share their biblical worldview in
general and biblical standards for the home in particular. I
replied that there are no easy answers to such an issue, but I
would counsel her and her husband to err on the side of
protecting their own family and children rather than to err
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 How to Spoil the Child Training 111

on the side of being close with the relatives, even if this

results in misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
e in uence of child sitters
ere is the same danger with child sitters as with friends
and relatives. Parents must be very wise and cautious about
choosing child sitters.
One problem with almost any child sitter is that they won’t
exercise proper discipline. is undermines the parents’
disciplinary e orts, especially with very small children.
If a parent sees that the child is being negatively in uenced
in any way, it is wise to nd another child sitter or to do
without.
e in uence of schools
God has given the responsibility of the education of children
to the parents (De. 6:4-9; Eph. 6:4; 2 Ti. 3:15-17). ey are to
oversee all of the teaching to make sure that it is done
according to God’s will.
Over the past 50 years, the government-run school system
in America has been transformed into a humanistic
propagandizing machine that is an aggressive enemy of
biblical Christianity. It promotes evolution, cultural
Marxism, socialistic economics, anti-Americanism, moral
relativism, feminism, transsexualism, the myth of global
warming, etc.
A great many Christian schools, whether independent or
church operated, are dangerous because of false doctrine
(e.g., charismaticism, New Evangelicalism, Reformed
theology) and/or because of the worldliness of the student
body in general.
e in uence of weak, compromising, worldly churches
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 112 Child Discipline

For optimum results, the church and the home must work
together in harmony to raise a godly seed for Christ. e
church and the home are divinely-designed institutions, and
it is not God’s will that they operate independently or at
odds.
e church is to build up the homes (home instruction is
written to the churches), and the homes are to raise a godly
seed for the work of Christ in this needy world.
A weak church can undermine the e orts of zealous parents,
and a weak home can undermine the e orts of a strong
church
e church is the house of God, the pillar and ground of the
truth. Nothing can take the place of a Biblically and
spiritually strong church.
e church is so important that we would urge parents to
relocate for the sake of a sound church.
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