WHAT WH ITE E LEPHANT

THEDECEMBERISSUE

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEDECEMBERISSUE

CONTENTS
...2 HOROSCOPES ...4 CROOKED SPEECH MOTORCYCLE DERBY ...6

16 1 13 6 19 18

FOREGROUND
HELLO EVERYONE ...7
Our resident audiophile dissects his iTunes library to share some of his favorite (and highly recommended) tunes

FLASH FICTION & STORIES OF FEIGNED FANCY ...8

From short story to inspirations and dandy The complexities of raising a teenage child and not killing them outright

LUST & LYING

...9

Dedicated to you, and no this isnt praise

PULP FICTIONS
BAND INTERVIEW WITH KEVORKIAN METHOD ...10
Answering age old questions such as, Is suicide only for fags? and the timeless, What does cocaine taste like? we spent Halloween rocking out with Bransons favorite death metal band, Kevorkian Method

10

...17

...15

19

AND IMPROMPTU

...15

Weve have a lot of fun this issue but in all seriousness, love your fellow man

HOLY HOLY, HALLELUJAH

POETRY & PROSE SURVEILLANCE THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST ...16 ...18 ...19 ...20

COVER ART

This months cover designed by our new staff illustrator, Tommy Eagle

SPONSOREDBYDINOSAURSVSJESUS

HOROSCOPES
ARIES - Your world might crash, but dont look around the next corner for it to continue, this time, like usual. That magical taxi to freedom wont be there to pick you up. If anything, youll learn to navigate the world on your own, and maybe next month wont suck so hard. Pay your bills. Your landlord wont be accepting tears as payment much longer, no matter how far down your mascara runs down your face.

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

CANCER - Pantera was the coolest thing ever when you shaved the sides of your head, but 1994 is so ten minutes ago and you have no more ego to waste. However, mullets and meth are in this month, so get a job outside that restuarant youve worked since you were 15 because that guitar you were saving up for got sold long before the pawn shop closed 10 years ago. LEO - Your fire sign is red hot burning this month! Its either because of your hard to resist charm, or that rash that developed some time last month. You kinky bastard. A Scorpio in your life has been playing hard to get, and nows the perfect time to make your move. Love is the tango of life, and your best moves are in the waist areas. Take it easy on the cologne though, you dont want to come off cheap, or do you?

TAURUS - Its not your fault you keep getting recognized as the guy that got arrested on Cops. If anything this is the boost in your tarnished reputation you were looking for. Lucky. As the saying goes, any publicity is good publicity, and youve got the urge to let it all hang out this month. In public. Try not to get arrested for loitering, and stay at least 1500 feet from all parks and school zones. You dont want to be known as a known offender. Again.

GEMINI - Youre full of guts this month, with a little help from your fellow Geminis. And that 18 pack of liquid courage is doing wonders for your self confidence. You flirt. However, dont get too cocky, and remember Jesus is watching you sell that fancy new laptop. Sinner.
2 FUTUREDIVINATIONS

VIRGO - Everyone around you is acting like a whiny bitch, so grow a pair and let them really know what you think of them! People need to hear the truth every once and a while, and nows your chance to crawl back on that soapbox. For an added boost of confidence, hit that bottle you have stashed away for special occasions; now is a good time as any... live in the moment... blah blah blah. No matter what anyone says, vodka is practically invisible on your breath.

LIBRA - If lying was this easy, youd be a master with ease. Try wearing your insecurities on your sleeve this month. Everyone loves a sore loser, and you do your best to make sure everyones happy. Slut. Youll find yourself in a tricky predictament later this month, but youll probably find some way to weasel out it like you always do. Extra credit for trying to steal someones boyfriend. Bonus if you do it in a bathroom. SCORPIO - A lot of people say, opinions are like assholes, and so are you Scorpio. Sorry- Im not going to candy coat it. Youre an asshole and everyone hates you. However, you are a blast to get drunk with and that counts for something right? Next time you wanna play grab ass, try doing with the Leo you know thats been sexually harassing you lately. Sometimes something is better than nothing.

CAPRICORN - Theres a feeling of inspiration this month, so make time for arts and crafts or learn to play the accordion. A Virgo at work may get a case of superiority complex, but theyre just trying to hide their alcoholism. Tell them you understand to their face, while talking about them behind their back. That will make you feel cool and edgy. Brag about it to everyone you know.

AQUARIUS - Your month has been filled to the brim with self doubt and loathing, and its mostly your fault. If you would stop letting people snuff you out you might enjoy your own company more often, and so will others. A Gemini you know is acting very cocky this month, so feel free to knock them down a peg or eighteen. Remember, if first you dont succeed, try copious amounts of alcohol. Just dont whine when things dont directly go your way. Cry baby. Dont forget to be nice to yourself once in a while. Everyone knows you deserve it. PISCES - Youre a busy bee this month! Dropping old hobbies like writing, and picking up new ones like drinking and baking. Im surprised you even have the time to read your horoscope this month. Shouldnt you be working, or sleeping, or something else of equal pressing importance? The tiniest details never seem to elude you provided you even have the time to pay attention to them. You make neurotic nitpicking look trendy and cool.

SAGITTARIUS - Your monthly bill wont be so kind this go around, and no amount of pride will be sufficient to mop up whatever of yourself you can pull together. Dont bother going outside, its almost winter, dumbass, and the sun wont be shining for some amount of time. Be sure to give that cold stranger a cup of soup whenever he comes around again, but if he looks loaded, dont be above poisoning that cup of soup. No chance ought to be passed up.

CROOKED SPEECH
DINOSAURS 1, JESUS 0
Thousands of years ago, dinosaurs ruled the planet. They foraged, hunted and roamed the earth (much like Cain in Kung Fu) using their skills as martial artists to right the wrongs being done to the innocent. God, at some point, grew tired of their arrogance, and smote them with a rock, so the dinosaurs crucified Jesus (unintentionally, and accidentally framing the Jews). A short while later, while the dinosaur/God battle raged in the heavens (Thunderdome rules), Dolores of Davenport decided to take up snowboarding again (this is where the story gets interesting). Completely contrary to previous statements that she had given up, that super gay sport, Dolores decided to suddenly obsess over the sport, intent on reclaiming the skill and perfection that had once donned her, The almost best amateur snowboarder within six feet at this particular moment. She had held that title for nearly five minutes and had squandered the fame in half as much time. Absent reason and sanity, she procured new gear -- only the best would do for the once famed female shredder (I dont know what that word means when not accompanied by blocked cheese). Dolores decided to bomb (not really sure about that word either) down the mountain in a effort to prove her worthiness to a new-found group of gaypers she now proclaimed as friends. She would return from the mountain with a new look, a crazed brittle consciousness, and prattled on endlessly about how she had finally re-captured the cool. Her eyes were set dead ahead to three weeks in the future, a company trip to a local mountain called Sugar Bush, and she planned on bringing that frozen cunt to its knees. It is on one of these preparatory trips which our story takes a turn for the worst, an accident happened of Jen Will Tell Me such magnitude that, as it is well known, caused the dinosaur/God battle to pause for an instant and turn towards the frozen hills of the east coast (one of the dinosaurs heroes, Rikky the Raptor, paused for one second too long and it was the sole factor in his demise. RIP Rikky).* Dolores raced, holding steel to ice, as she never had before. Those with her had synced their ipods, all to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, so that they could ride as one. Dolores didnt own an ipod. She placed the ear-buds in to give the appearance, and to belong to the crowd, but its cord was merely tucked into her pocked, attached to nothing. Following too closely, the gayper in front of her (Doug), perhaps reacting to the chorus of the BeeGees or maybe just to look back and see if he had gained too much distance on the group, Doug stopped suddenly on a steep incline. Unprepared and taken by surprise, she collided with his frail yet steely body. The sound was deafening. A baby in Honduras cried. Her small chest had taken the brunt of the impact against his elbow and knee. She lied there, back against the snow, eyes fixed on to the eternity of space, and wondered, what kind of god would let a thing like this happen to someone like me?. It wasnt long before she was surrounded by the group of friends who were desperately trying to asses the gravity of the situation. Dolores, panicked and hurt, struggled to draw air and finally forced that first painful gasp. She was taken by surprise that, as her lungs filled to the brim with precious oxygen, a great pain spread across her ribs. Breathing, while assuaging the immediate fears of death she had felt not moments before, hurt. Really, really hurt. The group (who are all idiots) took her breathing as a sign that everything was fine and began the process of coaxing her to get up and once again, face

NURSERYTIMEFABLES

the mountain. There was, if they didnt dally for too long, still time for another run before lunch. Despite the pain that stretched across her body, she felt no urge to allow these people the satisfaction of seeing her hurt, allowing them to corner her back into the stereotypes of a weak, pity seeking girl. She got up with strength and wobbled, just a little bit, on the inside. Shaken from the crash, the next run was slow and languorous. Someone said something about a horse, some odd adage that reminded her of a rodeo, and she realized that if she ever caught herself saying something so odd and ridiculous, she would fly back to Colorado, load her hand gun, and spray the walls red. It took a little longer to get to the lodge than normal, but the relaxing thoughts of weed and beer was motivation to keep up with the group. Even injured, she could easily overtake the those with big mouths and no talent. Regret filled the empty spaces of her stomach as she realized that the day was over. There may be a few more runs after lunch, but she had once again seen the fleeting glory of her former self, only to see it washed away in a Doug colored flurry to the echoing sound of the BeeGees. Meanwhile, in heaven, there was silence for awhile. For the first time since the fighting began, both sides called a truce. Rickky Raptor had been a hero to all and, in his death, caused everyone to reflect on the damage this thing had caused. Jesus had been crucified by dinosaurs, a defenseless raptor/hero had taken an unsuspected lightening bolt to the frontal lobe -- the losses were great on both sides. Rikkys funeral was held at a Subway and was attended by figures on both sides, along with multiple versions of Tony Danza. Whether or not Rikky himself was actually in attendance, no one knew for sure. His reptilian body was commemorated by the dinosaurs, as is their way, by being rigged with C4 and exploded in close proximity to those who had been Rikkys enemies in past lives. This ended the silence and along

with it, the hope that this gruesome and terrible war would ever end. While the dinosaurs never took responsibility for the action, video footage of the funeral showed them anxiously, and in unison, taking a rather large step backwards seconds before the detonation. Dolores waved goodbye to her friends as she left the car and entered the subway station at Union Square holding her grimace on the inside. Two subways, six blocks, an avenue and 4 flights of stairs later had her grasping for breath. She came into 4c and collapsed on the floor wheezing like a 12 year old asthmatic - surprised and scared -- a little pee came out. After some hot tea and some Advil she calmed down enough to watch TV, but the pain remained. Dolores had long believed in the healing power of alcohol, especially when dealing with matters of pain, so she had a glass of wine, then finished off the bottle. The relaxing effects of the alcohol did not have the intended response. Instead, they seemed to compound matters, making wheezing unbearable. Breathing was a task better left to the professionals. As the night wore on she began convinced that the damage was much worse than she initially thought. There were cracked and broken ribs involved, one of them had probably become completely dislodged and punctured her lung. If there was one thing Dolores knew, it was her body. And her body was telling her there was internal bleeding, a risk of infection - probably already infected actually - possible punctured bowels and a risk of septicemia. When she collided with Doug it was actually possible that he had impregnated her with an alien baby (Dolores had been watching re-runs of ER - because she loved Clooney, and Aliens- because she loved Bill Paxton) who was beginning to grow and wanted out. There was only one suitable place to go - Bellevue - free hospital and home to for the criminally insane.

p
and left our yard decorated, broken windows and an instant overflow of company. Motorcyles were every where. hanging from trees, Immediately people thought we had a free flea market and began removing things...Our house was filling with gas and our phones would not work finally a utility worker showed up. Police were occupied with a parade down town and we got little assistance. Finally the gas was shut off and police showed up and began removing some people from our yard..It was wall to wall people, People looted all night removing things. I think we missed the kite fly that year, but we had the motor cycle fly. Burlington-Northern paid for repairs on our house, and life returned to almost normal cept for a long time we had decorated trees and it wasnt Christmas. I think the birds were confused and not sure whether their homes had been furnished or remodeled. The squirrels probably did not have to crack their nuts hid in the trees because the impact probably did that for them. but I think the robins found more worms for food thereby making bigger eggs that year.

CHICKEN IN THE SK
6

Blache1942

In an attempt to express my feelings, I began this story...Once upon a time as small child living in Greeley, Co. I found that life was very different than I expected. Some grownups got angry with children, and we had no television, and lack of entertainment sent us outside to play, Finding red paint in the garage we thought it quite a nice color, so we proceeded to paint the garage, and possibly ourselves. Our efforts were not real well received, and guess Mother thought a punishment was in order. Our houses were never locked, not sure why we had locks. But we used them when we heard loud rumblings as cars came down the old dirt, rocky road, driving on the wheels, no rubber tires on them. Mother would run for the back door and lock it, as the gypsies arrived. they would knock on the front door and try to keep family occupied as they came in back door and removed several choice items that they felt would contribute to their collections. Life changed as we moved to Mo. in about 49 after my Mother died. Moving from the city to the country was different. After several moves between Co. and Mo. we settled in Springfield, Mo. Me first, I was attending college and then married my husband whom I met at Marshfield, Mo. For awhile we lived at Seymour, where I attended my last one-room school house. Dad had remarried and we inherited several other brothers and sisters. My parents also moved to Springfield. Married after I received a settlement from a car accident, we purchased a home that was furnished. we were expecting our first child. 53 years later we are at the same place. We live by the railroad. Two accidents close to our house.One a box car fixed with motorcycles exploded

EDITORSLETTER?

Hello All! In the December issue of What White Elephant I have a few new audio gems Id like to share with you. The first album I want to talk about is Monkeytown by Berlin Electronic group, Modeselektor. This album did come out in September; however, I have just recently discovered its awesome-sauceness. This is Modeselektors third LP. For any of you that have not heard Modeselektor they are an eclectic group made up of Gernot Bronsert and Sebastian Szary. They do not particularly identify with any one genre and prefer to use an array of styles within their albums. They have done many remixes for artists such as Miss Kittin, Thom Yorke, Boys Noize, and Bjrk. Their most recent album, Monkeytown, in my words can only be described as intelligent excellence! Some songs are an incredible beat, sans vocals, that pull you in and blow your mind. Others such as the track Shipwreck include artists, such as Thom Yorke, gracing us with their presence. Their 2007 album Happy Birthday! is still my favorite. It has more of a dance feel to it; although, Modeselektor cant really be classified as a dance music group due to their dabbling in so many different styles. Next in my recent discoveries is Los Angeles based group J*DaVeYs. A duo consisting of female vocalist Briana Cartwright who performs un-

HELLO everyone

der the name Jack Davey, and producer Brook DLeau. Cartwright, with a background in Jazz and seventies Jazz fusion paired with the dynamic instrumental tracks of DLeau that encompasses genres such as hip hop, electronica, alternative rock, and new wave, make for a very unique sound that is all their own. Their most recent album New Designer Drug, released 11/22/11, is only $2.99 at their website, www.jdaveybaby.com, and has a chill yet upbeat appeal to it, much like a drugged, electronic, haze. I am fairly certain the album title is perfectly appropriate. New Designer Drug is an album that is meant to be enjoyed, dont try to decipher it too much. The name might suggest deeper meaning, but its arrangement is meant to be taken in and savored, much like a designer drug just cheaper. And last but not least, another diamond in the rough that has recently materialized into existence for our listening pleasure Ceremonials by Florence + The Machine. I was really interested in hearing what direction this sequel album would take. Its perfectly evolved from their debut album Lungs, and has a sort of chanty, etherial feel to it that plays off the title Ceremonials. Lets all build a fire and call the four elements as we dance in a circle to this beauty. Woo Hoo Witchy Woman!! Hope you enjoyed, Daniel Paul

UNAPOLOGETICRAPIST

I DINOS
Bliss Sparkly

CONFESSIONS OF A
PROFESSIONAL POTHEAD
(forget* our insatiable fear of dying)- I pray for a lottery win BIG enough to buy a one way ticket out of the corporate tainting of my american dream AND the all expense paid freedom of expression that only comes with financial security *for now... Although I have yet to figure out how to Save the World while being amongst the conflict spinning it, at the end of the day there is hope for the untapped 90% of this brain to discover new ways of puzzle-peacing my hopes and my experiences. I light my too-raw-to-be-complacently-effective heart ablaze, burn it numb just for a minute and puff puff puff away my guilted stagnanceJust high enough to believe I can still make a difference.

So you hate your job? thick sarcasm laced wit dripped from the lips of the 20-something kid behind the headshop counter, How original. Truth singed my cheeks as I clenched the paper bag of fake piss Ill use to buy myself amnesty in this russian roulette I play with my career cocked by a misunderstood escape fetish. Am I cool enough to do this... They call me an Idealist. But even my boldly optimistic passion flickers when pinched between MOHELAs grip and with my parents sense of success through martyred societal obligation- the debt of knowledge exploited by a dysfunctional health care system asphyxiated on sociopolitical economics, ignorance and greed

Sethtes Eth

EPIDEMICAL UPRISING
youre reading your updated scripts presently -> can you fully fill this new role? -> what was your old role? -> reader? -> where are you? -> wherever you are -> remember you are trying to call everyone together for a script reading -> should be sufficient to get you started with your first -> monolexical bootstrap requiring you to reread its ad hoc structure from the beginning at this point -> before you continue reading -> make sure you arent reading anymore -> you are long past the loop point required -> by -> imagination with depth sufficient enough to consider this possible-> while under the rule of the old role/facade/character/identity -> this hall of mirrors and so on -> the thing this chunk points to specifically -> more -> over reading will be futile ->

Monolexical bootstrap -> specifically designed to be interpreted any way you please -> your ability to locate the axiomatic truth inherent in this series of pondering points -> is limited only by YOUR imaginations ability to manifest -> the means to communicate to all things on all things by saying nothing -> I think therefore I am -> All the world is a stage I is on -> performing under grace -> writing under erasure -> artistic license and the exercise thereof -> ontological anarchy -> considering artistic styling and the # of people believing things like war of the worlds and the ensuing panic -> consider you are a character in a story -> considering you are a director -> considering you have just been handed the role of director -> first line of the script has you trying to call PLACES EVERYONE -> Places everyone;
PULPFICTIONS&FLASHSTORIES

AN

&
Velveteen Dandy
Its all vile.

DEDICATED TO YOU
AND NO, THIS ISNT PRAISE
You wouldnt know love, and you dont know trust, for all you do is writhe in lust. I call you a succubus; you are no myth or legend, a bad breathing thing that withers away the innocentbludgeons. Youre vain and needy always wanting more, forever greedy a true demon in a human hold. You took advantage of her I hope you knowshe being young and out of control. She didnt tempt you; you let her in, dragging her into your hellacious end. Do you feel the fire? Do you feel your home? The burning embers are gleaming gold. Your name is on the gates, sins listed in heavy iron, to you, a welcome weight. You have a hole in your heart; youre closed off and cold, never warm only twofaced for future reference to those. I know you dont care, and I know youve moved on. Yet this helps me forever forget you and the damage you have done. I dont like you anymore, as if you couldnt tell. Ive erased you from my life and Im better now. This is my last goodbye, my final note. Just know I feel sorry for you and what your diseased life holds. You will never truly be loved for your incapable of doing so, you hurt everyone you meet, because it makes you feel better when they are looking up from your feet. You search for the light people have in their souls because; you werent born with any remorse or control. I pray that God has pity on your decapitated soul, and that you remember my old heart you stole

The tangled web of words, the mess you lead, with a foul taste and selfish bitter end to always condescend. You never grapple to take hold, only grasp firmly for control. You have no station, no life. You tear it out of others cutting sharply with your hands, fuck the knife. You play a game and its cheap, hidden thrills for the passing keep. Who knew how long is all I say, youre a deep and dark fuel that stained the way. My eyes were poisoned and my heart even worse, though these days Im glad you never got too close. Your body is a disease, how could I ever look at you, a disgusting self-center coated tenfold. How could I think about your face, your lips, eyes, hips, and soulwhen all they are to me is a hollowed out mold. Youre a vessel for evil a walking scene of insane.

Youre the person I let in, instead of push away.

I shouldve done this sooner; I shouldve let you go. So stupid of me, to ever think you loved or cared at all. You live in a dream where reality doesnt win, and time and lies shrivel like smoke in the wind. Your vision is sick and your verbs even worse, you claiming temptation instead of your own evil mirth. Guilt you dont feel nor shame or blame, you ride your wave of debauchery killing everyone in your way. You have a partner in crime and you revel in the tide, a wave of massacre and rebellion a bright shadow at your side.

BITTERSWEETEMPATHIES

KEVORKIAN
Kevorkian Method is an awesome band to rock out to (with killer and mesmerizing lyrics like, Sunshine, rainbows and puppies screamed at ear-shattering decibels) and then promptly interview, despite the fact that their bassist wasnt in the room for half the interview (we later found out its because no one likes him) and their lead singer Ryan kept insisting we call him Noel. It started out somewhat bumpy with most of the band leaving immediately after their set to take shots down the street at the bar, (we like booze too, dicks!) but gave our savvy interview team plenty of time to chain smoke outside in the cold while pondering if the cocaine-like substance they had recently consumed was, in fact, real cocaine... or what it even tastes like. What are your guys names? (T) Im Tommy. (R) Im Ryan. (C) Im Corbin. (R) Where the hells Jeremy? Jeremy really has nothing to say, ever. Do you question his dedication to the band? (R) Oh constantly. I question his dedication to life! (T) I would say, in a nutshell, hes a total douche. (R) He hates everyone. I dont know why we even keep him around. He plays bass so it doesnt really matter. Whats your sign?
10

(T) Im a Scorpio. (R) Sagittarius. (C) Uhhh(R) Whens your birthday? (C) September 24th, I cant ever remember... Libra. (R) Libra! See she knows.

METHOD

(T) Do you guys want me to go get Jeremy? (R) No, hes recording right now. (T) Recording what? (R) Hes stupid any ways. (T) Ohhhh... recording the show. What can you tell me about Malcolm X? (R) Malcolm X is uh, well what do you want to know? I know he was African American40 words or less. (R) He was an African American, who fought for uh, I mean civil rights for the, uh African Americans, and uh, not so much forThats 41. (R) Is that 41? He was more of a uh, considered a radical as opposed to, Martin Luther King. (Cross talking jibber jabber) Tommy, youre stranded on a deserted island, youre gonna resort to cannibalism to stay alive. Who do you eat first? (T) Uhhh, ya know, I would have to say Noel. Why? (T) Because hes really like critical.

KEVORKIANMETHODINTERVIEW

What does he taste like? (T) Ummm, well, he tastes, he I dont know he tastes like, I would have to say its an even mix of like ginger ale and chickenHey Corbin... In your years, whatve you done to avoid being called gay? (C) Uhhh... (T) He calls other people gay. (C) Thats complete irony but um, have sex with women ya know, those kinds of things. ...And let everyone know about it? (?) Post it on facebook. (R) He calls well, his biggest thing- and Ill answer for you- he calls everyone else fags before you get the chance to ever call him one. I dont know if hes trying to like pin point that hes the most masculine out of all of us, or what the deal is but it usually involves, like Im always called a fag. Like Ill post a video on facebook and be like this is funny and hell be like hey fag Im like thanks dude. Ill be like I ate a hamburger yesterday and hes like yeah youre a fag. (R) Theres Jeremy. We were just talking about you. (R) We did not say anything good about you. Hey Tommy, whats your favorite thing about Branson. Hi Jeremy. (T) Favorite thing about Branson... ...I dont like Branson. Jeremy, whats your sign? (J) My what son? (Multiple people) YOUR SIGN! (R) When were you born? She knows. (J) May 25th. Hey Im the 26th. Hey Ryan... Whyd you guys

decide to start a Nicholas Cage cover band? For the pussy? (R) Youve done your research first of all. (C) Thats a complex question. (R) Nicholas Cage cover band, why?! Have you seen...National Treasure? No, I like watching movies where people actually act. (R) Maybe you should see National Treasure because, they steal the constitution, or something, and that was enough for me. (T) Were not Season of the Witch! (R) Yeah were not Season of the Witch. (C) Anymore... (R) We WERE! Thats why I said he did his research, I mean we were. (T) How do you know that? Why did you name your band Death Cab for Kevorkian? (T) Well ya know, we wanted to mix it up, we wanted a long name. Thats the one that sticks with you. (R) Cause of the driving bass lines really, if youve ever heard any Death Cab for Cutie albums it full of driving bass lines, and we have driving bass lines, so we figured, yea, we talk about everything, heartbreaking. (T) We sprinkle in some apocalypse powder. (R) Lots of apocalyptic stuff. Speaking of Kevorkian, what is a Kevorkian Method? (T) It was one of those things where, we dont endorse like, suicide in any way, cause thats for fags, um, its definitely not a pro choice thing, but we, I endorse the idea that if you wanna die, you should be able to die you know what I mean and Ill be quite honest with you, we couldnt think of a band name for months we were just like (indistinguishable answer).

Hey Corbin, who would win in a drunken bar fight, your band or Nickleback? (C) Chad Kroegers a pretty big guy but ya know, so is Silas. I would pretty much just put my money on Silas, and try and take out a few knee caps. (R) Id run away. (T) Those guys are getting old too. (C) Yeah theres the age factor. (T) And everyone wants to be a rock star according to them. (R) I dont know who Id bet on. What would be your weapons of choice? (R) Wait wait wait wait, you have to be more specific, like can we have anything? (C) I want the little magical powers from the skrillex video. Youd just wiggle your fingers at em. (C) Yeah warping space and time. (T) I would use the cops. (C) Works every time! Hey Jeremy? Why do you guys sound so, bluegrassy? (J) Probably because were right here from Branson Missouri I mean we have the banjo festival or fiddle festival what is it? (Everyone talking at once about how awesome bluegrass is) (C) And thats why we play it. (T) So, Im trippin out, those cars are so nice. Whats your favorite song (R) Of all time? From your band. (R) Oh my band, um I am a big fan of the abstractionist its a long, long story, its the last three songs we played.

Can you wrap up the story in 15 words? (R) Yeah, artist goes crazy, thinks hes god, kills everyone. (Jibber jabber) (R)Thats my favorite, abstractionist, for sure. Ryan Whats your outfit suppose to be? (R) Tupac. How much did you spend on your Hollister boxers? (R) I actually work there uh, good question. I believe they were $16.50 I have a discount though cause I work there. Hey Tommy? What kind of over sexualized questions do you want to be asked? (T) Umm..., How many times have I gone ass to mouth. Hey Tommy? How many times have you gone ass to mouth? (T) Only once. How? (T) Oh I got talked into it. I mean it was just mean and Ryan and Jeremy hanging out. Hey Corbin, How many vices can you juggle at once? (C) Like a vice grip? (Indistinguishable) Like how many addictions can you juggle at once? (C) Ummm... (R) Thats a good question. (C) I cant juggle so I can do it with one hand (Indistinguishable chatter and hand motions) (C) Did I answer that efficiently? Yeah. Ryan, are you a regular ladies man?

12

KEVORKIANMETHODCONTINUED

(R) No. (J) Yes he is, dont believe him (R) No Im not, theyre so stupid, most of them. Im not gay, but I support. Hey Jeremy, I noticed your show brings out a lot of hipsters, what gives? (J) I dont know, its just our really underground music, that nobodys ever heard of before. Hey Jeremy, Since its Halloween, will you put your head in a pumpkin for me? (J) Do you have a pumpkin? No. (J) I wouldve. Ryan, whats the word on the street? (R) You really wanna know? I heard this guy right here to my right is having sex with dudes, dont ask me how I heard. This is for everybody, how fast are you going? Answer one at a time, Starting with Jeremy. (J) Slow. (T) Fast enough. (R) Im moving at whatever speed your moving. (C) Yeah, I would say Im moving as fast as I can. Corbin, Where does the death come in, in death metal? (C) Uhhh... I mean youre all alive. (R) It comes down to your lyrical content. (C) Usually, generally legitimate death metal sounds more like thrash death metal, like he said, is usually about death. (R) I mean if I came up here and was like Ill smash your head with a sledgehammer ya know, like thatd be death metal.

Right? Not like sunshine rainbows and puppies (R) Exactly. (C) Now see, youre talking about A Day to Remember.

Jeremy are you pro life or anti death? (J) Im anti abortion! If anything Im pro abortion, I think every woman should abort their baby. Our last interview was with a band called Knife Death, how do you plan to compete with that? (R) Uhhh, their name is Knife Death, Im not saying our name is like the shit.

Ryan, What are your thoughts on Dinosaurs vs Jesus? (R) Dinosaurs win every time, first of all theres also. Why? (R) Nowhere in the Bible does it state that Jesus was not a velociraptor. Jesus was a dinosaur, thats all Im saying, thats my opinion.

Tommy, Whats your thoughts on the youth in Asia? (T) I actually have a receipt that says (1) euthanasia, I put my cat down not too long ago. Umm... I think if its necessary.. (R) Hes talking about the youth in Asia, (T) Oh- I was gonna make a shirt like that, you stole my idea, how did you know? (R) You didnt answer the question. (T) Uhhh, I think theyre just.. fabulous.

What do you want to be when you grow up? (T) I want to hit a certain point in my life where Im comfortable and my girlfriend is comfortable with me being like slightly overweight, with a lot of tattoos and a huge beard.

Tell us a secret. (R) I know a lot of secrets. Tell us one. (R) Tommy tried... to rape me once. Im not joking like ha ha rape joke, no, one time we went camping, and were all in a tent or whatever, and there was four of us, he was there, he was there, he was there, and Im laying in the sleeping bag, we unzipped it so it was a blanket, and Tommy is also in the sleeping bag, Im laying like this okay? And ya know, Im not comfortable so I roll over and Tommy looks at me(T) Im like right there. (R) -and he just goes hey Noel then the blanket flies over my head, I dont even to talk about what happened after that. You guys make a cute couple. Hey Tommy, What is rape? (R) He would know. (T) I guess you can approach it in like a-a-- a, physical way, like raping someones mind ya know rape is just like-(R) Awesome. (T) --a good hobby. Its not my thing, but I have a lot of friends that rape people.And theyre happy, happier than me. Can you rape my mind from here? (T) I already did. Woah. (R) Youre gonna go home tonight and have a nightmare. Hes out of practice. Should I get closer? (R) Do you want to get closer? (T) No, we would have to not be around... her (points to girlfriend) and uhhhh... (R) Go away! She wants to be monogamous with her mind rape.

Jeremy, Who tricked you as a child? (R) Lachkey, second grade, kickball. Ive heard enough. Yeah weve had enough out of you. (R) Can I see what youve written? Sure, Im writing notes. (R) I just want to see what they say. Dude, theres like 3 questions on here you didnt ask-- why didnt you ask them? These are awesome. (T) He didnt want to ask the Do gingers have souls to spare my feelings. Thanks. Youre welcome. (R) He wrote I was a secret fag... Thats so funny. Dont you guys have another band member? Why isnt he here? (T) Silas, its his birthday, he just turned 21.

14

KEVORKIANMETHODCONTINUED

Yeti Detective

As Im sure youre all aware, the earth was created 6,000 years ago by Jesus (as his own father) uttering magic words into an empty void. But it wasnt always thus. Sit back, child. Cram your hand down the front of your pants or analogous apparel, jam something crunchy and cheese-powder covered into your fat, sweaty face, and prepare to receive the huge, salty load of my knowledge into your hairy crevices of ignorance. Ready? Yeah, I bet you are. The original genesis of the world was in a ball of fire are horror nearly FOUR BILLION YEARS AGO! I almost typed that out in numbers, but my computer doesnt even have that many zeroes. So anyway, back to the Greatest Story Ever Made Up Today. Jesus lands in his chariot of fire, which is actually the leading brand of flying saucer on his planet. Whats that? You dont believe Jesus is from another planet? Well, of course you dont. That was a different time-line. Are you even trying to pay attention? Maybe turn off the lights in the room youre in. Thatll cut down on shiny things sparkling at you. So Jesus lands on Earth and everywhere there are giant scaly monsters. Jesus says, Lo! I bring salve-vation unto you! The nearest dinosaur stops and says back, Whats all this then? Jesus had landed in ancient Britain, and this

was a dino-constable. Thats why Jesus could understand him. British dinosaurs speak English. Jesus holds aloft, presenting to the passersby on the sidewalk as much as to the T-Rex who had addressed him originally, a glimmering bottle of an opaque greenish liquid. Salvation, says I, said he. Salvation from what? inquired a passing dino-vicar. Dont question, just go with it. Salvation from Original Sin! Jesus said, turning to the clergyraptor. From what? Thats not even a thing, chided a skate-punkosaurus. Even in this timeline, youth have no respect for authority or religion. Oh, Jesus began, very comfortable with this part of his spiel, but it is. It is a disease you all have suffered from since birth. A disease you inherited from your parents parents parents. You see, you were all born with this disease because it has been engineered into your very life-particles. Life-particles was their word for DNA. The original dinosaurs werent quite as technologically advanced as we are. Thats how you can tell we are better. What are the symptoms? inquired a Physiciasaurus, skeptically. That is the most insidious part of this infection, Jesus replied. The disease is entirely asymptomatic, until after you are dead. Wait, what? was the general tone of the crowd. It is a disease of the soul! Cried the Yahweh-Son. The what? responded the dinosaurs. The ghost that haunts your meat and makes you alive instead of dead... Jesus began to explain, but he

could begin to see that it was hopeless. The dinosaurs were starting to snicker at him. Oh really? the constable started up again. We all got ghosts what haunts our meats? And what about trees, then? Theyss alive. Are they haunted too? Jesus sighed, Of course not. Only dinosaurs are haunted. Why would trees be haunted? Are you some kind of pagan? And the paramecium? the Dinodoctor joined the attack. The smallest life forms known to dinokind, are they haunted with tiny ghosts, or is it ok for them to just be alive like the trees? No, Jesus huffed, Only dinosaurs have haunted meat, and your meat ghosts have a disease, and only I have the cure. It is imperative that you believe me on this. Dont you know that if you dont accept my salve then, after your body dies, your ghost will be tortured forever by horrible monsters? The dinosaurs all laughed out loud at this point. Dont you- Dont your eyes work, man? gasped the constable. We are all horrible monsters! Horrible monsters on fire... Jesus muttered dejectedly. This only caused the dinosaurs to laugh more uproariously at him as he skulked back to his flying saucer. Once on board, he flipped open his Motorola Razor and dialed 2-send. Talk to me, Jeezy, came the voice from the other line. They didnt buy it. Not even close, Jesus said. Did you tell them about the monsters? Yeah, theyre all already monsters. We have got to get a better mar16

ket research department. They were all way bigger than we thought, too. Dont sweat it, Mr J. They were just plan A. Remember how the company just bought a grow-your-ownspecies kit from the Cthulians? Jesus eyes brightened, but he tried to keep his voice level. Yes... Well, I just authorized you on it. Really? AW, THANKS DAD! YOURE THE BEST! Hey, keep the d-a-d stuff on the down low, ok? I want you to make it on your own merits, not just riding my coat tails. You know I told the higherups that I hired you because you were a bright kid and a hard worker. They give me shit every day you dont make a sale. Sorry, dad. Dont worry. I wont fuck up this time. I promise. And with that promise, Jesus opened a safety cover to reveal a large, shiny, red button labeled, Do Not Press. The aftermath of what happened next is still evident, buried in the earth. If you know where to dig, and many do, the bones of Jesus mockers can be found TURNED TO STONE! And thats why atheists arent real people.

INSURMOUNTABLERANT(CONTINUED)

SOMETIMES
Dr. Crepsly you bring out the child in me, sometimes you bring out the asshole in me, sometimes sometimes, i wonder how your life would be if you werent stuck in that whirlpool. i feel bad for you, sometimes. i miss you, sometimes. i miss what we used to have, sometimes. you used to be all that i had, although you quickly be transformed into my most unreliable ally. we needed each other. there is something i cant understand about you. weve grown things have changed ive changed you havent somehow we got lost in the translation. if you could just seek your own approval you are your own worst enemy and im sorry for that its just you, sometimes

=
UNTITLED
The Man With The Green Hat This is for the broken ones poetry only touches. This is for the feeling of edge to edginess. No further to move, let alone --over. This is for the shove push has become these years. For the lack of tears. A life spent. This is for selling values in Christmas Club advertising. The surprising breakdown only we could see imminently arriving after all. This is for the fallen with real voluntary military men in their families, standing strong among the Army-or-Prison men fouling the fame of our nations name. This is for the loveless. The private shame of soul. The waste. This is for the lonely midnight radio listener dancing in uncurtained rooms. For the beggar and the boon. The ones poetry never touches. This is that one.

&PROSE

C.IMPER
mr.ficklebritches your breath and silence subsides from the absence of the rooms eyes a blessing sweet sing in the valley fellow i call, as an echo chamber and cast your stones, sincerity to anyone except whom turned the tide & channel for you marred flesh and bled plenty for you sometimes i wish i could just pluck my heart out, filled with buried memories unloved expectation, its a heavy heart burdened in time, for you i miss you, and i hope youre happy now

OETRY

LLANCE

SURVEI

mr.ficklebritches

I might be wrong, but that wasnt my intention. And thats the best I can offer; thoughtful intention. Because things work out how theyre going to work out. Its happenstance to break down why, theres always the intentions: good and bad, theres always the he said, she said, theres always the wonder of doubt: what could have been if another path/action/thought/ word/meaning would have been taken. Kind of like dinosaurs versus Jesus. And theres feelings of loss and remorse. Maybe this wasnt the best fight to choose from. Maybe that wrong decision creates a sense of wisdom to prevent from making another bad choice. I might be wrong, but that wasnt my intention. Kind of like dinosaurs versus Jesus The sense of what could have been always lingers behind. The path least taken is never a comfortable one. Some where, in a parallel dimension, I gave up my morals, forgot principles, lost my self confidence and gave in to what you need

me to be. Its okay. I know it hurts but everything will be okay. Ive almost starting believing its true. Its never easy, but I might be wrong. That really wasnt my intention. Because things work out how theyre going to work out. Its pointless to analyze why, theres always the faith, and the hope for a genuine exchange. Kind of like dinosaurs versus Jesus.

18

MERRYHAPPYCHRISTMASCHEER

Why is the miracle of life occuring in my living room? When did fascism stop being so fasionable? You cant have my hot cock button, you just cant. But I want it! I want to hold your hot cock in my hands! What are you, a Pisces? I dont know anything about them. ...but my pussy is on fire! Shut up, Nicole Kidman! I bet you could make Black Friday fun. You can see my vagina, its on the internet somewhere Im sure. No one wants your sub-standard tacos, Dick. SWF ISO homeless for warm meals at soup kitchen. Im trying to make Pat Robertsons head explode with my thoughts.

Im making a box for my vagina, and filling it with soft lovely things. I wonder what Pat Benatar is doing right now... No... you can have one, it was just a joke... that no one got... or cared about. Dont tell Greyhound horror stories. You know, the song youve played 8,000 times in the last 3 days. Sometimes I feel gravity pressing me down; I think of you and float. No, nuh-uh, no way, no hose-a. Thats what she says today.

TWENTYNINE
Do you think youre going to run away? Well... Im going to try.

THINGS OVERHEARD
Merry fucking Christmas! Im going to trample your Grandma for a sale on gaming systems.

Im feeling like I should stop-- Shhh... Before securing your oxygen mask, spare a moment to think of the one that got away.

My heart works surprisingly well considYou have a lot of Catholic guilt for being ering all the cocaine Ive given it. a Baptist. You know work Thursday. You work In the event of a forced evacuation, Friday Saturday Sunday. Okay? Okay. passengers are advised to acquire the Buh Bye. power of flight. Honesty... its everywhere. Its been You have two options for disfiguring there for weeks. your skull upon impact: flat-top or knuckle-brains. Jesus 2000! Jesus 2000! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus 2000! Before using the emergency door, do a little eavesdropping. You may have enemies out there. THINGSOVERHEARD 19

THEDECEMBERISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

Precious jezebel! Will you parade das steed all the way to the future and put your dinky ta-tas away?

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