THE GOTTMAN METHOD

Presented by
Durwood Whitten, PhD
Completed Gottman training through Level 3
Licensed Psychologist and Principal Partner of Complete Wellness, Inc
Fielding Graduate University, Class of 2010

The Gottman Method is an approach to couples therapy that includes a

thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship and integrates research-based
interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory.

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THE GOTTMANS

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Cofounders of the Gottman Institute

 Devoted 4 decades to researching what makes couples work

 Focus has been on researching marriage stability and divorce prediction
 Authors of several books
 My personal recommendation

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GOTTMAN RESEARCH AND

METHODS
 40 Years of Research, Representative Samples, Happy-Stable, Not Only
Ailing Relationships (begun in 1972)
 Observed over 3,000 couples in research
 “The Love Lab” (apartment lab)
 The importance of physiology
 The “masters” and “disasters” of relationships
 Multi-Method: Physiology, Self-Report, Behavior
 Multi-Situational: Conflict, Events, Apartment Lab
 Longitudinal (Up to 20 Years) and Developmental (Babies, Children)
 Gay, Lesbian, as Well as Heterosexual
 Domestic Violence
 Transition to Parenthood
 Theoretical and Mathematical
 Intervention and Prevention Research
 Extension to Lower-income Populations

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NEWEST RESEARCH IS ABOUT

TRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS
 The GOAL was to define trust and betrayal as valid metrics
 Which could be computed in any one couple’s interaction (in any social
context)
 Trust not conceptualized as a trait but as a characteristic of an interaction
 Define metrics to measure trust and betrayal on a micro level
 So we can understand temporal DYNAMICS and create preventions and
interventions

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WHAT PREDICTS DIVORCE?

 Ratio of positive to negative emotions in conflict
1. More negativity than positivity
 • Presence of the 4 horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and
Stonewalling
 • Failure of repair attempts
 • Negative Sentiment Override
 • Flooding and the Distance and Isolation Cascade
 • Chronic Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA)
 • Failure of men to accept influence

COUPLES IN HAPPY, STABLE RELATIONSHIPS:

 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity when discussing an area of
disagreement
 20:1 ratio of positivity to negativity when simply conversing
 Even when talking about an area of continuing disagreement, “masters”
demonstrate affection, humor and interest in each other
 They minimize defensiveness in partner

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WHAT DO HAPPILY MARRIED

COUPLES LOOK LIKE?
 Have positive everyday interactions and behave like good friends, turning
toward one another
 Handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways; have more positive affect
during conflict to soothe partner and co-regulate physiology
 Are able to repair negative interactions during an argument
 Have greater sense of “we-ness” than “me-ness” and purpose in life
 Are able to effectively share and discuss negative emotions with each
other
 This is all interesting and predicts divorce or stability with over 90%
accuracy across studies
 But it doesn’t help us change couples

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THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE

APOCALYPSE
Some ways of interacting are more corrosive to a relationship than others. We
call these:

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STONEWALLING

Do not say… Say…

“You need to take a break to calm “We should take a break to calm
down…” down…”

“You are getting off track…” “We are getting off track…”

“You are wrong…” “I might be wrong here…”

“You need to start over…” “Let’s start over again…”

“You are overreacting…” “I am feeling flooded…”

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THE SOUND RELATIONSHIP

HOUSE THEORY
 A new approach to couples’ therapy
 Derived from basic longitudinal research
 The focus is on:
- Emotion: The “engine” of change
- Skills to enhance friendship
- Skills to manage conflict
- Skills to create shared meaning

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THE FOUNDATION: TRUST AND

COMMITMENT
 Unless both members of the couple are truly committed to the success of
their relationship, then counseling cannot proceed
 Five ways to build trust, love, and loyalty in your relationship:
1. Make trustworthiness a main priority in your relationship
2. Act to maximize your partner’s well-being
3. Know that trust is built in small positive moments
4. Avoid negative comparisons
5. Generate frequent thought and acts that cherish your partner’s
positive qualities and minimize your focus on their negative faults

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NURTURE FRIENDSHIP AND

INTIMACY
The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House focus on a couple’s
friendship, which is the foundation of a strong relationship

FRIENDSHIP: BUILD LOVE MAPS

 Couples that know a lot about each other are more successful
 Maintain an awareness of each other’s world
 Show interest in each other by asking open-ended questions, and
remember the answers

THE LOVE MAP

1. Favorite meal:

2. Special hobbies and interests:

3. Two closest friends:

4. Worst enemy or rival:

5. Two people most admired:

6. Favorite movie:

7. Favorite TV shows:

8. Favorite kind of animal:

9. Ideal vacation destination:

10. Favorite sports to watch and follow:

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11. First things this person would buy if he or

she won the lottery:

12. One thing this person would like to

change about you:

13. One thing you could do to improve your

relationship with this person:

14. Favorite types of clothes to wear:

15. Least favorite relative:

16. Favorite relative:

17. Favorite holiday:

18. Least favorite holiday:

19. Ideal job:

20. Favorite way to spend evenings at home:

21. Favorite kinds of books:

22. Favorite musical group, composer or

instrument:

23. Favorite ways to spend weekends:

24. Toughest problem this person has faced:

25. Favorite restaurants:

26. Favorite magazine:

27. Places or events this person would find

most uncomfortable:

28. Most comforting pastime when sick:

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29. Saddest life event:

30. Worst life event:

31. Happiest life event:

32. Favorite way to exercise:

33. Ideal birthday present:

34. Two worst fears or disaster scenarios:

35. Best recent day:

36. Worst recent day:

37. Two things that make this person very

angry:

38. Current stresses or worries:

39. Best parts of this person’s current job or

school life:

40. Worst parts of this person’s current job or

school life:

41. Favorite way to spend time with friends:

42. Favorite way to get over being sad:

43. Best vacation this person ever had:

44. Favorite way to get your attention:

45. Two reasons this person is proudest of

himself or herself:

46. Gift this person would give to you for

your birthday:

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47. Fondest unrealized dream:

48. Activity that makes this person feel most

competent:

49. Personal improvements this person wants

to make in his or her life:

50. Secret ambition:

The cast of characters in my partner’s life

Friends:
Potential friends:
Rivals, competitors, “enemies”:

Recent important events in my partner’s life

Upcoming events-(What is my partner looking forward to? Dreading?)

My partner’s current stresses

My partner’s current worries

My partner’s hopes and aspirations (for self? for others?)

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FRIENDSHIP: SHARE AND NURTURE FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION
 Create a positive habit of mind by looking for what
your partner is doing right
 Express fondness and admiration to each other
verbally and physically
 Build a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection
and respect
 Regular deposits into the Emotional Bank Account

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FRIENDSHIP: TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER
 Express needs by stating what
you do want, not what you
don’t want
 Turn towards each other’s bids
for emotional connection,
rather than away or against
them

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POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE: THE

SENTIMENT OVERRIDES
 When the first three levels of The Sound Relationship House work well, a
relationship contains the Positive Perspective, or in general, positive
feelings for one another that OVER-RIDE momentary negativity
 Partners are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt
 Occurs when the friendship is strong
 Encourage partners to see each other as allies (rather than enemies)

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MANAGE CONFLICT
 Practice self-soothing to keep calm; take breaks
 Process Regrettable Incidents and Past Emotional Injuries
 Use softened startup
The goal is not to help
 Repair and de-escalate
the couple resolve
 Accept influence from your partner – find their conflicts – but to
common ground help them tolerate,
 Be open to Compromise discuss, and even poke
fun at perpetual
 69% of all issues are PERPETUAL: Discuss perpetual conflicts
problems - move from gridlock to dialogue by
focusing on the existential meaning of each
person’s position on the issue
 Take turns listening – DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT exercise
 Solve your solvable problems

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MAKE LIFE DREAMS COME TRUE

 Make the relationship save enough so that each partner can express his
or her dreams

 Using the skills of accepting influence and compromise, partners can

nurture each other’s dreams while maintaining their own

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CREATE SHARED MEANING

 Create meaningful rituals of connection: formal & What traditions does
informal the couple find value
in – from the family of
origin, from faith, or
 Create shared meaning for relationship by completely new?
expressing values, roles, goals, and narratives

 Share ideas about legacy and meaning in order to create shared cultural
rituals and purpose

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CLINICAL WORK BASED ON THE

SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE
THEORY
 Very specific assessment of a relationship: its strengths and areas that
need improvement
 EMPIRICALLY BASED COUPLES’ THERAPY: We have blueprints for: (1)
building Friendship/Positive Affect/Intimacy, (2) Blueprints for conflict, and
(3) Blueprints for building shared meaning.
 PSYCHO-EDUCATIONAL: Two-day “Art & Science of Love workshop.
 PREVENTION: Transition to parenthood workshop “Bringing Baby Home.”
 TREATMENT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Group treatment of situational
violence
 EMOTION COACHING FOR CHILDREN

WHAT IS FUNCTIONAL WHEN A MARRIAGE IS GOING WELL?

 Matches in conflict style: validators, avoiders, volatiles: It is the mismatches
that predict divorce (Supported by Susan Johnson’s work on EFT)
 Dialogue with perpetual issues: 69% of problems are perpetual. Active
listening model is not validated in research
 Softened rather than harsh start-up (especially for women)
 Accepting influence (especially for men)
 Effective repair attempts
 De-escalation of negativity, usually by male partner in low conflict
situations
 Positive affect, especially as a way to de-escalate conflict
 Presentation of issues as joint problems and specific to one situation
 Ability to remain physiologically calm during conflict

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 • Active building of friendship, intimacy and positive affect

ASSUMPTIONS:
 Couples therapy is primarily DYADIC
 The role of emotion: A) Learning is state dependent B) All emotions and
wishes are acceptable and need to be expressed/understood
 The therapist’s role in soothing
 Interventions should have low psychological cost
 Couples therapy as a positive affective experience
 GMCT is about building the “good enough marriage” rather than the
ideal marriage

MINIMAL GOALS OF COUPLE’S THERAPY:

 Movement from gridlock to dialogue on perpetual problems
 Couple’s ability to process a fight without the therapist
 Establish skills for dialogue
 Build marital friendship
 Therapist fades out
 ***If couple is motivated, may explore shared meaning system

WHAT BRINGS LASTING CHANGE IN COUPLES?

 Increase overall positivity in non-conflict times
 Decrease negativity during conflict discussions
 Increase positivity during conflict discussions

NOT ALL INTERVENTIONS ACCOMPLISH GOALS

 Behavior exchange alone does not work
 Empathy Training (Active Listening) does not work
 Communication training in problem solving alone does not work

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WHAT DOES WORK?

 Communication skill training + behavior exchange
 Management of stress spill-over into marriage
 Insight into past marital dysfunction
 Exploration of old resentments
 An emotion focus: All emotions are acceptable

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ASSESSMENT:
 Overall, where are they each in the relationship?
 What is the nature of the couple’s friendship?
 What is the nature of sentiment override – positive or negative?
 What is the nature of the conflict and its regulation?
 What is the nature of their life dreams and shared meaning system?
 What are the potential resistances?
 Structure: 3 sessions of 1.5 hrs each:
1. Oral history/Sample of interaction (video if possible);
2. Meet each individually to assess commitment, presence of abuse,
history of betrayals, substance abuse/psychopathology;
3. Conjoint session summarizing the assessment based on Sound
Relationship House and contracting

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SESSION STRUCTURE:
 Starting session by catching up, especially checking up on any
assignments
 Pre-intervention interaction: therapist remains quiet – may use video
 Before suggesting intervention, ask couple to suggest their own
intervention
 Ask if the intervention seems phony/foreign
 Ask how they can make it feel more natural and consistent with their
personality – Couple owns the intervention
 Explore any resistances
 Resistance is not failure but a chance to discover the client’s internal
working model
 Give homework so couple can generalize new skill in everyday life

WHEN IS COUPLE’S THERAPY CONTRA-INDICATED?

 When there is an ongoing extra-marital affair;
 Where there is little commitment;
 When there is ongoing physical abuse
 When there is active substance abuse

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USEFUL RESOURCES
BOOKS FROM THE GOTTMANS:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last: How to build trust and
avoid betrayal. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., & DeClaire, J. (2006). 10 lessons to transform your
marriage. New York: Crown Publishers.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide for
building better connections with family, friends and lovers. New York: Crown
Publisners.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage
work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Gottman, J. S. (Ed.). (2004). The marriage clinic casebook. New York: W.W.
Norton and Company.

WEBSITES
www.gottman.com – the website of The Gottman Institute

www.divorcebusting.com – the website of Michele Weiner-Davis

www.iceeft.com – the website of the International Centre for Excellence in

Emotionally Focused Therapy

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MY OWN AUGMENTATION OF
GOTTMAN
 Values
o Necessary for cultural competence

 5 Love Languages
o Words of Affirmation
o Quality Time
o Physical Affection
o Acts of Service
o Gifts

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