ISSUES IN COURTSHIP AND BOY-GIRL RELATIONSHIPS To speak is to be committed to what you say.

Saying nothing
Talk No. 5 means no commitment. We therefore don’t tolerate mutual
understanding.
The following guidelines are the position held by the SFC
Community in fostering better relationships between brethren in 2. Pre-marital Sex
CFC Singles for Christ. They are not uniquely "Filipino" as some
people would argue. They are Christian in nature and should No matter how accepted pre-marital sex is in a society, our
therefore transcend cultures of whatever nature. position is to have a counter-culture within our community at
the very least. Christianity itself introduces radical points of
Some of the stipulations may appear as hard teaching. They view to the world that materialistic and hedonistic cultures will
certainly would entail sacrifices from an individual. However, we scorn at. We make an effort to implement such a counter-
believe that by following these guidelines, the best conditions of culture within our ranks so that others may see in us an
the relationship will be achieved. There are exceptions to the example that can be imitated. We would like to show that it is
rule, of course; but they remain as exceptions. We who have actually possible to remain chaste and pure before marriage.
opted to follow Christ's teaching of selfless love should therefore
make these guidelines our basis for relating to the opposite sex. Many have committed to a second virginity. And we have had a
number of brethren who were promiscuous prior to entering
Note: For the purpose of this presentation, “special relationship” community but now have decided to live chaste and holy lives.
means a formal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. A whole discussion and teaching on the why's of avoiding pre-
marital sex is available to the community.
1. Mutual Understanding
3. Intimate/Personal Gestures
We have been taught that God is very particular about keeping
one's word. In fact, in the Bible, there are so many references We realize that people are brought up in different ways. Some
on how He, Himself, kept His word to His people. And that His were taught to be expressive. Others grew up in an
word was not just an utterance but a promise. The promise environment where it is preferred to be at an arm's-length away
which was the "Word became flesh and dwelt among us" is from someone they care for. However, in community, we
Jesus Christ. believe that there are gestures which are exclusively for those
who are in a special relationship. Examples would be: kissing on
Since we are followers of the Lord, we also ought to be able to the lips, hugging, holding hands, and sitting snugly with each
keep our word as much we are able to speak it. We therefore other when there is other space available.
ought to say what we mean, and mean what we say. In a
situation that a man wishes to have a relationship with a Some would object to these guidelines because they argue that
woman, he cannot allow himself to get into an assumed there is no malice in their gestures. We pass no judgement on
relationship with her. He has to openly declare his intentions. their motives. However, we cannot account for what the other
And the woman must likewise declare her acceptance or non- person is feeling at that point in time. This is specially true with
acceptance of her suitor when she has decided so. men who react instantly and quickly to such gestures and who
can be aroused by sight alone. The other argument against this
is actually the question, what would differentiate your "friendly"
relationships at present which has a lot of this intimate gestures
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to a real special relationship where the expectation is to have
such intimate moments more than the usual. We advocate that men start to court only if their intention is
clear that the reason they are vying for the relationship is to
4. Long Distance Love Affairs eventually marry, barring any major impediment. Major
impediments would range on issues like religion, number of
If there is anything constant in this world, it is change. People children, living with in-laws, place of residence, etc. which could
change, and they do all the time. The only way people are able bring about major disagreements. So, when two people get into
to keep abreast with the changes that are happening with each a relationship, it should not take more than two to three years
other is when they communicate. The more often they to find out if there is any major impediment. In which case, the
communicate, the greater the chances of being able to bridge next step would therefore be marriage after that prescribed
the gap being created by change. This is why even in CFC, a period.
couple is asked to have one-to-ones even if they live under one
roof. Though they may be living together, the pressures that The normal argument against this is that people want to find
impinge and catalyze a person's character are so numerous that out if they are indeed getting the best deal by marrying the
if two people don't talk to each other in a deep way, they will person they are in a relationship with at this time. The truth of
end up as strangers in due time. the matter is that there will always be someone better -
someone brighter, prettier, more pleasant, more humorous, etc.
If it is difficult for two people who live together to remain So if there is no real impediment between two people, then they
intimate with each other without communication, it is so much should commit to each other in a deeper way and work towards
more with a special relationship between a man and a woman marriage. Otherwise, it will always be an insatiable posture that
who will be able to see each other only in a couple of years. can lead to adulterous relationships later on.
Even with today’s technology, it can be very expensive and
cumbersome. What we advocate therefore is for the couple to The other justification that people make in prolonging
formally break off from each other, releasing the other person relationships is that they are preparing materially for the
of his commitment to be loyal to the partner. So that if the marriage. We have seen this posture vary from culture to
other person, for example, meets someone else in the country culture. And usually in first-world settings where you have a
or province where he/she is at, and with whom he/she gets more materialistic environment, they prefer that certain
interested in, it won't be an act of betrayal to do so. After the material needs are secure by the time of marriage, i.e., a
two years or so have gone by, the couple who formally parted house, car, education for the children, etc. However, we have
with each other may ask themselves if they still love each other seen a lot of couples who have started from scratch and were
and would like to re-commit, then they can get back together able to build their respective homes and educate their children
again. even if they had practically nothing at the start. So, it is not
crucial to be secure in those facets of married life in order for
This does not apply, however, for engaged couples. By engaged two people to decide to tie the knot.
we mean those who have formally arranged to be married
within a year. This is because with engaged couples, the When relationships last for more than three years and extend to
commitment is permanent in nature and only lacks the final as far as five, the tendency is for the woman to lose on
blessing of the church. opportunities for a new relationship if the present one takes a
negative turn. She would have reached the age of 30 or beyond
5. Prolonged Relationships which characteristically have set ways that make it difficult for
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men to relate with them. Men of this age, on the other hand,
are able to get much younger women who are more flexible in We realize that with the influence of media and the practices of
their ways. Thus, the older woman is left hanging at the point of young people today that it is very difficult to maintain one’s
break-up having less opportunities for a new relationship, after virginity. In that light, there is a greater number nowadays who
turning away potential suitors at the time the relationship was engage, and who have engaged, in pre-marital sex. The
still intact. position we take is to ask individuals to commit to a second
virginity, that they will keep themselves pure and chaste and
6. Women as Relationship Initiators hold on to their second virginity as a gift to their spouse.
However, it should not matter to anyone if the person whom
Since SFC is a ministry of CFC, we believe in the teaching that she/he is in a relationship with is no longer a virgin. The only
the husband is head of the family. He acts as protector, requirement would be to have a full disclosure of this situation,
governor, priest and provider of the family. And we prepare the especially if the couple is about to get married.
single person for this kind of culture and mindset at the very
start of the relationship, that is, at courtship. Therefore, the 8. Break-ups within the community
initiator of the relationship has to be the man if he does believe
in the role of the man in the family. We always believe that we are brothers and sisters in the Lord
first before romantic relationships come into play. It should not
The usual argument of women against this practice is there are therefore be a cause for brethren not to attend household
certain men who take time before they show any interest or meetings or assemblies of a chapter because the person that
who may be timid in character and will not really make a move he/she broke up with is in the group. Unless there is serious
in courtship. And it may just take a lifetime for some women if pastoral difficulties such as betrayal, pregnancies, and
they wait for such men. So, these women would like to have the disrespectful behavior, the couple should agree to be friends
option of initiating the courtship. But following our principle of with each other and agree that they will remain faithful to the
headship, this will run contrary to our beliefs, unless the women community even if they may not agree with each other totally.
would want to be the head of their respective families. We have
yet to see a woman who would like to be protector, provider, 9. Love Triangles
governor, and priest of the family all in one. The second point
against is, would a man who does not have initiative be worth A love triangle is defined as two people having an interest in
the trouble? These are the questions that a single woman must one person. If two of the three are in a special relationship, the
ask herself if she is seriously considering doing the courtship. third party should not in any way interfere with the relationship
even if it is “on the rocks,” so to speak. If there is no special
Again, as we have taught in other fora, women may encourage relationship involved, say for example two brothers courting
a suitor in a subtle way so that he will take it that she is one woman, the policy is “may the best man win.” There is no
interested in him as well. Signs of encouragement during “first-come-first-serve” order in courtship. The woman, having
courtship are: being excited during dates, going out on a date to wait on who will court her, should have the flexibility of
whenever asked, giving tokens of appreciation, dressing up in a choice because she may not have the luxury of time. On the
special way to be more attractive, and always having a pleasing other hand, two sisters interested in a brother, would have to
disposition whenever the suitor is around. wait on the brother to make his choice. The brother should not
court both but, in prayer and discernment, choose the
7. Virginity
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prospective partner without testing the waters as to who most respectfully. The brother in turn should accept
likely will accept him. her decision like a man, respect the decision of
the woman, and maintain his friendship with
10. Courtship Patterns her.

As stated in the first teaching in the Men’s and Women’s fora, 11. Fleeting Relationships
the steps to courtship are as follows:
One of the reasons we advocate that men go through an
a. Men and women treat each other as brothers intensive discernment process and that they have a vision of
and sisters regardless of whatever attraction getting married to the person whom they will court is to avoid
they may have. the frequency of having fleeting relationships. The situation of
b. Then as people get to know each other in a having fleeting relationships unnecessarily creates hurts and
much deeper way, the brethren should treat also the impression that the man, or even the woman, does not
each other as friends. Opportunities for going know what he wants. Many brothers have gone through this
out as a group in which the brothers and experience have found it working against them in the end.
sisters may get to know each other are many. Sisters lose respect for men who can’t seem to maintain a
c. Service also is an opportunity to see the kind relationship. Even in corporate settings, frequent job-hopping
of heart the sisters and brothers have in implies an unstable individual.
community. It is at this stage that the brethren
can treat each other as co-workers in the 12. Mixed Marriages
vineyard.
d. If after these stages, the brother finds the Mixed marriages (having different religions) are not encouraged
sister attractive, he should pray about her and for the simple reason that we always advocate that you choose
try to get to know her even better in an a partner in life who has the same vision as you do. Getting
informal way. Consultation with his household someone who has different viewpoints could present a major
head is necessary in order to get an objective impediment in marriage and be the source of strained
input about the whole proceeding. relationships later on. The second point is, assuming that a
e. When the brother finally decides that this is settlement of issues like the raising of children and the kind of
the woman that he wants to court and commit ceremony to be held is made, there is the difficulty of speaking
to in a serious way and barring any major in authority regarding the religion to be taught to the children.
impediment will get married to her, he makes For example, it will very hard for a non-catholic mother to teach
a declaration of his intentions to the woman her children about the catholic faith, which probably was the
and may proceed to go on one-to-one dates agreement made prior to getting married.
and express himself in gestures and in words.
f. The prescribed period of actual courtship is 13. Courtship Between Friends
three (3) to six (6) months, during which both
parties should be praying for enlightenment on There is a very high probability that friendships evolve into
what God’s will is. If the woman doesn’t see romantic attractions. Sometimes people have expectations that
the relationship going beyond friendship and a friendship should not be anything else than what it actually is.
brotherhood, she must state so clearly and When a friendship takes a different course between a man and
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a woman, or at least either one of the parties concerned has
taken a romantic turn, the other person considers it a betrayal.
This should not be so. Our brethren should always be open to
that possibility but have the option, as in any courtship
situation, to turn down the degree of the relationship that is
being offered if he/she does not see going beyond what it is at
present – a friendship.

14. Being “In Love”

Some single people wait and look for the “K” factor in order for
them to consider someone. That is indeed a plus, but it is not
totally necessary. In fact, feelings fade and also have its ups
and downs. If a person solely based his/her decision to get into
a relationship through his feelings, then that person will soon
come face-to-face with a disappointing situation. He or she
would have “fallen out of love.” But love is a commitment. It is
a verb not an adjective. It is an action word that defines the
conviction of a person to take care of someone in a deep way. It
is not determined by feeling. It remains constant because it
involves a personal decision to remain constant. Married people
would say that sometimes the feelings, of being in love, die
down in time. However, when they make a personal decision to
love again, then the feeling comes back.