Self-Reflection Exercises

Roles
What roles do YOU believe men and women are supposed to play in romantic
relationships?
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What role do you believe you’re supposed to play as a parent, child, friend, etc.?
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Who taught you or where did you learn the above roles?
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Are there any roles you are playing that don’t “feel right” to you?
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What roles would you need to change or play to feel in alignment?
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Expectations:

I expect men to be:

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I expect men to do things like:
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I expect women to be:
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I expect women to do things like:
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Are any of these expectations absolutely true? Provable? Is there evidence you might be
wrong? Do you want to be wrong?
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Patterns:

Can you detect any patterns that have shown up in your relationships over and over
again? What are they? Where do you believe they came from?
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Have you ever thought “I married my father/mother” or “I just keep finding the same
person”? What qualities keep popping up? What NEGATIVE qualities seem persistent?
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Can you identify any “triggers” that you have? Certain words? Certain behaviors? What
is the automatic reaction that you tend to have to these triggers?
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Do you believe any of the following common relationship beliefs?

Y/N The “right” relationship should “just work”.

Y/N You can’t change another person.
Y/N It’s normal to yell at your partner (or other relative/friend) from time to time.
Y/N Relationship drama is just part of life.
Y/N There is a “one”.
Y/N Everyone basically experiences love the same way.
Y/N The relationships I saw growing up do not affect my relationships today.

Thoughts on the above beliefs:

Belief: The “right” relationship should “just work”.

Food for Thought: Even great relationships deteriorate with patterns. All relationships
take conscious effort in order to “work” and they all have periods that, due to life
stressors, the relationship isn’t “working” as well as other times.

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Belief: You can’t change another person.
Food for Thought: Yes, you should understand that although people DO change, you
cannot make them change or count on them changing in the way you wish. Nor would
you want them to change FOR you, as it’s not going to be a lasting change since it was
not self-initiated. You CAN, however, influence how they are with you. Haven’t you ever
noticed that someone you know is one way with one person and another way with
someone else? Bring out the best of people, and attract desirable behavior, by tending to
your own attitude/vibration before interacting with them. Be preemptive if you expect to
be engaging with a person you’re prone to being dissatisfied with. Consider making a list
of POSITIVE traits you can appreciate about them. Get in a good, strong mood BEFORE
engaging with them. If there are certain things that are not negotiable for you and you
draw a line, your partner may be capable of honoring your boundary. However, if this
boundary is contrary to who they believe they are or want to be, they will be unable to
change and meet your need.
Belief: It’s normal to yell at your partner (or other relative/friend) from
time to time?
Food for Thought: If you answered “yes”, ask at least 5 other people (not in your family)
if they yell at their partner and you will be surprised that many do not. There are many
relationships in which the people involved NEVER raise their voice or yell at each other.
If yelling seems normal to you, this is because you grew up in an environment with it.
Realize that not everyone had the same experience, so don’t expect everyone else to be
okay with it. Also, if you don’t like it, it can be changed.
Belief: Relationship drama is just part of life.
Food for Thought: Again, you may be surprised how different other people’s lives are.
Each of us has a unique blueprint of expectations and experiences. Drama is NOT a
given—it’s a choice, albeit a much harder choice before someone is aware of their
unconscious blueprint that creates the drama. It is not normal. It is only “normal” for
those who are accustomed to it. You do not have to put up with it. Awareness is power—
it gives you the ability to choose a different pattern.
Belief: There is a “one”.
Food for Thought: Many people who are single stress about finding “the one”, but rest
assured relationships are more a series of learning experiences for your soul’s growth
than a pass/fail hunt for “the one”. The concept of a “one true love” or an ultimate “soul
mate” is romanticized in western culture in a way that gives a false image of there being
only one person on this earth that you can have a fulfilling, happy, enlightened
relationship with. People can have multiple “soul mates” throughout their lives, each
serving a different purpose. Soul connections can be soul agreements made with the
intention of playing a certain role or teaching a certain lesson. Yes, there may be an
ultimate “soul mate” whom your soul wishes to share life with, however it may take
others before hand in order to be prepared for the relationship you truly desire. Even if
you do find a soul mate, being unconscious about your relationship beliefs and patterns
will lead the relationship to have the same problems as any other. The relationship of
your dreams will show up for you when YOU are ready—meaning when you are truly a
match for what you want. The success of any relationship, even one with a “one,” is

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determined on the level of evolution and conscious effort made by the individuals. Even
a soul mate relationship can be miserable and ultimately fail.
Belief: Everyone basically experiences love the same way.
Food for Thought: Everyone defines and experiences love in different ways. For
instance, one person may feel totally loved when someone gives them a gift, however
another person may feel very little emotionally when receiving a gift, yet if their partner
cleaned their car for them or cooked them a special meal they would feel overwhelmed
with love. Some people only feel loved if they’re told it all of the time. Others feel loved
when they’re in conflict with their partner because they believe their partner’s anger at
them is due to the fact that they care about them. Some people’s definition of love is
downright twisted. What matters is that you understand what love means and feels to
YOU and also your partner. Make sure you’re speaking the same language. See the Love
Languages section.
Belief: The relationships I saw growing up do not affect my relationships
today.
Food for Thought: It is true that we are not ultimately limited by our past, however until
we become aware of our programming and conditioning, we will continue to live the
patterns that our past has created. We are ALL unintentionally programmed by the
relationships we have, experience and observe in our childhood, as well as influenced by
the media and our culture. There is no escaping the programming, however, as adults
we DO have the ability to consciously observe our belief systems and choose a new way
of being in a relationship. Again, awareness is the key to transformation.

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