How to develop Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EI) is built by reducing stress, remaining focused and staying connected to
oneself and others. One can do this by learning five key skills.
The first two skills are essential for controlling and managing overwhelming stress and the last three
skills mainly improve communication. Each skill builds on the lessons learned in practicing the earlier
skills and includes the following.
The ability to quickly reduce stress
The ability to connect to one’s emotions.
The ability to use non- verbal communication.
The ability to use humour and play to deal with challenges.
The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.
Emotional Intelligence (El) consists of five key skills -
SKILL - 1 The ability to quickly reduce stress
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm oneself down. Being able to
manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience.
This skill helps an individual to stay balanced, focused and in control no matter what challenges
he/she faces. This stress busting skills can be developed by following three steps-
Realize when you are stressed - The first step to reducing stress is recognizing what stress
feels like. Being aware of your physical response to stress will help regulate tension when it
occurs.
Identify your stress response - Everyone reacts differently to stress.
If you tend to become angry or agitated under stress, you will respond best to stress-
relieving activities that quite you down.
If you tend to become depressed or withdrawn, you will respond best to stress-relieving
activities that are stimulating.
If you tend to freeze speeding up in some ways while slowing down in others, you need
stress- relieving activities that provide both comfort and stimulation.
Discover the stress-busting techniques that-work for you - The best way to reduce stress
quickly is by engaging one or more of your senses: sight, sound, smell, taste and touch.
Each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are
soothing and/or energizing to you. e.g., if you’re a visual person, you can relieve stress by
surrounding yourself with uplifting images. If you respond more to sound, you may find a
wind chime, a favorite piece of music or the sound of a water fountain helps to quickly
reduce your stress levels.
SKILL 2 - The ability to connect to one’s emotions
The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your
emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions.
Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your
stomach or chest?
Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of
which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision- making?
If any the experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In order in
to emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions,
accept them and become comfortable with them.
SKILL 3 The ability to use non- verbal communication
Being a good communicator, requires more than just verbal skills and the ability to manage stress.
Often what you say is less important than how you say it or the other non-verbal signals you send
out e.g., the gestures you make, the way you sit, how fast or how loud you talk, how close you stand
or how much eye contact you make.
In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, you need to be aware of and
in control of, this body language. You also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the
non-verbal cues that other people send you.
SKILL- 4 The ability to use humour and play to deal with challenges
Humour, laughter and play are natural antidotes to life's difficulties. They lighten our burdens and
help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood and brings our
nervous system back into balance.
The ability to deal with challenges using humour and play is the fourth skill of emotional intelligence.
One can try following -
1. Try setting aside regular, quality play time. The more you joke, play and laugh the easier it
becomes.
2. Find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature.
3. Practice by playing with animals, babies, young children and outgoing people who
appreciate playful banter.
SKILL 5 The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence
The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust building way is the fifth key skill of emotional
intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of emotional
intelligence.
Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and aware, communicate non-
verbally and use humour and play, you'll be better equipped to handle emotionally charged
situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.
Tips for Resolving Conflict in a Trust-Building Way
Stay focused in the present When you are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, you
can recognise the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving
old feelings about conflicts.
Choose your arguments - Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve
them in positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
Forgive - Other people's hurtful behaviour is in the past. To resolve conflict, you need to give
up the urge to punish or seek revenge. End conflicts that can't be resolved- It takes two
people to keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you
still disagree.
Other Techniques of Developing Emotional Quotient (Eq)
1. Become emotionally literate
Use three-word sentences beginning with ‘I feel’.
‘I feel impatient’. vs ‘This is ridiculous’.
‘I feel afraid’. vs ‘You are driving like an idiot’.
2. Start labelling feelings, stop labelling people and situations.
‘I feel hurt and bitter’ vs ‘You are an insensitive jerk.’
3. Take more responsibility for your feelings
‘I’ feel jealous' vs 'You are making me jealous.’
Analyse your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people.
4. Don't advise, command, control, criticise, judge or lecture to others. Instead, try to just listen
with empathy and non-judgement.
5. Avoid people who invalidate you. While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less
time with them or try not to let them have psychological power over you.
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