YOUR GUIDE TO
BULLET
PROOF
BOUNDARIES
WITH NICK POLLARD
LET’S BULLET PROOF YOUR
BOUNDARIES
Reading this means one of two things.
1. You want to see how creative I am in my writing, or
2. You have a boundary problem.
In either case, I hope you enjoy and implement the steps below so
that you can begin living your life by design rather than default.
Remember, the steps in this guide are the EXACT steps I used to
begin my boundary journey. They are NOT perfect because
boundaries are not perfect. The process and the result can be
messy, but it is one of the most vital steps you will take if you want
to change your life.
WHAT YOU MUST KNOW
BOUNDARIES ARE NOT A CONVERSATION. THEY ARE A
REPRESENTATION OF YOUR FEELINGS.
B O U N D A R I E S A R E N O T A L I S T . T H E Y A R E G U I D E L I N E S F OR
YOUR TOLERANCES
YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE ONLY IMPORTANT IF YOU MAKE
THEM IMPORTANT.
Y O U A R E N O T I N C O N T R O L O F O T H E R P E O P L E . Y O U A R E ON L Y
I N C O N T R O L O F Y O U R T H O U G H T S , E M O T I O N S , A N D A C T I ON S .
THEREFORE YOUR BOUNDARIES AREN’T ABOUT HOW OTHERS
T R E A T Y O U . T H E Y ’ R E A B O U T H O W Y O U T R E A T Y O U R S E L F.
STEP ONE
Recognize Your Boundaries:
(Hint: You already know what they are)
Imagine a time that you felt nervous. Not in the I am about to kiss
someone for the first time but in the “This person, place, or thing might
kill me” kind of way.
That feeling you get in your stomach, chest, or head that you know is an
indicator that something is not right. THAT'S A BOUNDARY.
Our boundaries are not anything more than guidelines for what we can
or choose to tolerate. Recognition of boundaries, therefore, is to realize
when something feels offensive, uncool, or inappropriate and accept
that feeling as real.
STEP TWO
Evaluation: (Dont Be a dick)
The biggest mistake people make when they are new to boundaries is
not assessing if they will set realistic boundaries.
Identifying whether you are “triggered” or a behavior is ongoing and
functionally incorrect is important. I cover more on triggers vs.
boundaries in my course, but for reference, a trigger is an emotional
response to a stimulus. A boundary is a guideline for what you will
tolerate.
Remember that just because you “feel” it doesn't mean it is real. Your
boundaries are based on your emotions, but they cannot and will not be
able to control other people. So whatever boundary you set, you must
be comfortable and able to enforce it.
Do not be too hasty. Take a minute to breathe and collect your
NOMADIC | 24
thoughts.
STEP THREE
Communication:
(Say what you mean and only what you mean)
Bad Example: Better Example:
Mom, when you tell me that my Mom, when you criticize how I
casserole doesn't taste good, I cook, I feel unappreciated,
feel like I am less of a person. If which makes me not want to
you continue to say that I will cook for you. Please keep your
never cook again and you can thoughts on this to yourself,
fuck yourself. and I will ask if I need help, or I
will let you take over and head
You can see that this is an out to dinner on my own.
emotional response to
specific stimuli and that the This boundary is clear and
consequence may not fit the concise. It speaks to a behavior
crime. Therefore, this is not a that you find particularly
reasonable boundary. unnerving. It is actionable (your
The casserole may taste bad mom can choose to abide by
to your Mom. Here the request), and you have
preference is not an given a specific result for not
argument. honoring your request.
STEP FOUR
Enforcement (Honor your word and so as you say)
If you have set your boundaries using the formula above, you should be
able to enforce them when the time comes.
This is why the assessment phase is SO important. If you set a boundary,
you must be willing to stand by it, or you may as well not set it at all. It
is your job to respect your limits and your needs. Look back on what
you have said: Then take action.
**Serial offenders** The ultimate boundary will eventually become
NOMADIC | 24
goodbye. So remember that if someone chooses consistent disrespect,
they likely do not have a spot in your life.
BONUS WORKBOOK
Realization is the most crucial step in boundary setting, so I have given
you this exercise. This is a good starting point and can give you an idea
of what it looks like to take ownership of your feelings.
Remember that there are no wrong answers here. You aren't supposed
to be good at this yet, and you must give yourself the grace to learn this
new and fundamental skill set.
Find a quiet room and bring a pen and paper:
Spend ten minutes writing out the most recent event that made
you feel uncomfortable or in danger. This should be detailed down
to the last second if you remember it.
Have that down? Answer the following questions:
What specifically about this made me feel uncomfortable or in
danger?
What would this person need to know for that not to happen
again?
How would I have acted if I had done these questions before.
BONUS WORKBOOK
Ok, now you have the formula:
Boundary Example:
When people (INSERT ACTION), I feel (Insert Feeling).
So when that happens, I will choose to (Insert action).
**Notice that I did not add the person's name because boundaries are
about you.
THIS IS A BOUNDARY.
Boundaries are NOT specific to certain people but internal guidelines
that YOU adhere to to keep yourself safe. So take time to do a few of
these, and at the end, ask yourself one final question.
If I was a person who honored my
boundaries, what would change in
my life in the next 12 months?
I hope that you found these tools
helpful, and I hope that no matter
where you are on the journey, this
serves as an encouragement to you.
Please stay on my email list and play
along with the rest of us as we learn
to live as a community with healthy
boundaries, habits, goals, and
successes.
My best,
Nick Pollard
